Spit Swap

S01E03

Gia announces that she needs the Rose of Immunity or else she is in big trouble, because the women are jealous of her, the men are angry because she has a boyfriend, and everyone loathes her existence. So how will she earn the Rose? Via competition, of course. Like the Romans. Or the Real Housewives. Chris Harrison and his ventriloquist dummy, a.k.a. Melissa Rycroft, explain today's competition: KISSING CONTEST. Whoever gets the most cooties wins. Hope you all took your herpes meds! Gia starts pouting (again), because she has a boyfriend. Or at least she did at the time of filming. She can't win a kissing competition if she has to think about her boyfriend watching this at home with his mom and sister and his tiny little dog.

Elizabeth is up first. She is blindfolded and led out to the firing line of spittle and tongues. The men all start Frenching her and she takes notes. Magically, she loved her lame boyfriend's kiss and hated The Weatherman's. Following Elizabeth's role model, the ladies line up for their... er, tongue lashings. Except for Ashley, who has realized that licking seven men on national television may have a deleterious effect on her relationship with her students' respect. Yes, she has students (not, like, in her dark basement, but at school) and they respect her, or did before she appeared on Bachelor Pad. She will play Twister, drink copiously, and wear an itsy-bitsy bikini, but she draws the line at Frenching a clusterchump of bohunks on national television. Dave, the bohunkiest of them all, thinks this is bullshit, which it sort of is, but whatevers. Tenley thinks Kiptyn is the Best Kisser Ever, and I hope they hook up and have funny pinch-faced babies with revoltingly WASPy names. Gia dutifully kisses each of the men and even more dutifully reports to the camera that she hated it all, loves her boyfriend, and number 2 was the best kisser.

It is now the men's turn to be tortured with the oral attentions of the ladies. Tenley's plan is to whore it up with each and every man and, maybe, leave her gum in their mouth. Natalie is proud of her sister-wife, but still thinks she is going to win because she is the biggest whore in the house and has no qualms about announcing that in front of God and America. But it's poor little Gia whose heart goes break break break watching all the girls do their best Ron Jeremy impressions, because she knows she is going to lose. She will either lose the competition for failing to go to third on national television or she will lose her boyfriend back home for playing tonsil hockey with seven guys in seven minutes. She cries and Chris Harrison pulls her away and breaks the bad news to the gents: Gia is out. When it's The Weatherman's turn to face the gauntlet, all the girls make the point to exaggeratedly pantomime their disgust and rinse their mouths out after licking his head up and down like a big old mama cat, because this is middle school (well, the middle school of every parents' nightmare), and no other behavior will suffice. Finally, all the spit-swapping is over, and Chris Harrison announces that he and Melissa have tabulated the votes, which is complete bullshit, because it was clearly an intern. The best kisser among the men? Dave, who pats himself on the back and extols his virtue as a passionate lover and asks him mom to embroider "Best Kisser" on a throw pillow for when he gets home.