Every Monday night I am surprised to realize that Bachelor Pad is still on the air. And not on a lesser network like VH1, but on an actual, Disney-owned network during primetime. This is End Times, people. If you see four horsemen heading this way, send up a flare. To make sure we don't miss even a second of potential drama, the show starts the moment it ended last Monday. Thank God, because clearly we didn't have enough time mulling over the minutiae of the moronic mind. If you have been smartly huffing paint and can't remember what happened last week, please, allow me to fill in the gaps. Just pray for my poor brain cells: Some girl named Gia -- who is vying for the chance to represent the United States in the Hair Flipping Olympics -- was supposed to give Fake Dean McDermott, a.k.a. Craig M., the Rose of Immunity so he would be spared from the chopping block and one of the self-proclaimed Cool Kids would be ousted. But despite promising the rose to Fake Dean, she gave the Rose of Immunity to Wes because he claimed he loved her. Oh Eros, always striking at inopportune times.
To deflect from her failures, she targeted Nikki for failing to perform her role in Plan B and eliminate the stupidly named Kiptyn from the competition. You see, at the last minute, Nikki remembered she was friends with Kiptyn, despite his stupid name. I am really saddened by the fact that I know what all these words strung together actually mean. I mean, God, what have we done to ourselves that any of this makes sense, let alone is deemed worthy to watch? ...Sigh. All I know is that, right now, we are watching the tiny blonde Gia, who has gigantic lips she constantly purses because someone probably once told her she looked like Julia Roberts in a good way when she did that with her lips. Now she is using that ersatz illustrious mouth to torment Nikki into tears while Kiptyn stands silent as his supposed friend is forced to fall on her sword for her decision to spare his life. Well, not so much his life, as his chance to win a quarter of a million dollars! And love! And a lifetime supply of Valtrex! Gia is also using her flapping lips to spill all the secrets and strategies of the so-called Outsiders. Before anyone can elbow Ponyboy in the gut and get her to shut her yap, she starts pouting, realizing that everyone hates her. No fair! Except, of course, it is totally fair, because she is horrible.
Gia announces that she needs the Rose of Immunity or else she is in big trouble, because the women are jealous of her, the men are angry because she has a boyfriend, and everyone loathes her existence. So how will she earn the Rose? Via competition, of course. Like the Romans. Or the Real Housewives. Chris Harrison and his ventriloquist dummy, a.k.a. Melissa Rycroft, explain today's competition: KISSING CONTEST. Whoever gets the most cooties wins. Hope you all took your herpes meds! Gia starts pouting (again), because she has a boyfriend. Or at least she did at the time of filming. She can't win a kissing competition if she has to think about her boyfriend watching this at home with his mom and sister and his tiny little dog.
Elizabeth is up first. She is blindfolded and led out to the firing line of spittle and tongues. The men all start Frenching her and she takes notes. Magically, she loved her lame boyfriend's kiss and hated The Weatherman's. Following Elizabeth's role model, the ladies line up for their... er, tongue lashings. Except for Ashley, who has realized that licking seven men on national television may have a deleterious effect on her relationship with her students' respect. Yes, she has students (not, like, in her dark basement, but at school) and they respect her, or did before she appeared on Bachelor Pad. She will play Twister, drink copiously, and wear an itsy-bitsy bikini, but she draws the line at Frenching a clusterchump of bohunks on national television. Dave, the bohunkiest of them all, thinks this is bullshit, which it sort of is, but whatevers. Tenley thinks Kiptyn is the Best Kisser Ever, and I hope they hook up and have funny pinch-faced babies with revoltingly WASPy names. Gia dutifully kisses each of the men and even more dutifully reports to the camera that she hated it all, loves her boyfriend, and number 2 was the best kisser.
It is now the men's turn to be tortured with the oral attentions of the ladies. Tenley's plan is to whore it up with each and every man and, maybe, leave her gum in their mouth. Natalie is proud of her sister-wife, but still thinks she is going to win because she is the biggest whore in the house and has no qualms about announcing that in front of God and America. But it's poor little Gia whose heart goes break break break watching all the girls do their best Ron Jeremy impressions, because she knows she is going to lose. She will either lose the competition for failing to go to third on national television or she will lose her boyfriend back home for playing tonsil hockey with seven guys in seven minutes. She cries and Chris Harrison pulls her away and breaks the bad news to the gents: Gia is out. When it's The Weatherman's turn to face the gauntlet, all the girls make the point to exaggeratedly pantomime their disgust and rinse their mouths out after licking his head up and down like a big old mama cat, because this is middle school (well, the middle school of every parents' nightmare), and no other behavior will suffice. Finally, all the spit-swapping is over, and Chris Harrison announces that he and Melissa have tabulated the votes, which is complete bullshit, because it was clearly an intern. The best kisser among the men? Dave, who pats himself on the back and extols his virtue as a passionate lover and asks him mom to embroider "Best Kisser" on a throw pillow for when he gets home.
The competition among the ladies is fiercer, since Elizabeth, Natalie, and Tenley each sacrificed their virtue and entered each other's disease vectors in their attempts to win. But instead, it's a dark horse who takes the laurels. It's Peyton! The quiet, all-American girl with an angular nose and penchant for athletic footwear! She is the quintessential good girl, thus proving that in the virgin-whore contest, sometimes the virgin wins. And since this is Bachelor Pad, we are using "virgin" in the broadest possible terms. Dave and Peyton are both safe and are going on dates. A date! Dates mean more opportunities to swap spittle and, hopefully, mainline broad-spectrum antibiotics.
Date Card! Dave gets to take three lucky ladies to the venereal disease capital of the world, Las Vegas! I lie, the venereal disease capital of the world is Cedar Rapids, Iowa, but that's too far for a day trip. Dave decides to grace grandma Nikki, self-professed ho bag Natalie, and Krisily, who exists, apparently, with his presence on his group date. Everyone is confused by his choices, but none so much as Nikki. They all pile into a private jet and fly to a... nude pool in Vegas. Krisily stares at the pool, but won't take her top (or her Bump-It) off to win Dave's love or the Rose of Immunity. However, she does profess to having the hots for Dave after their naughty tongue tango. She wants some alone time to figure out whether he knew he was making out with her because of all the sparks flying. Natalie ruins Krisily's quality alone time with Dave, by springing gazelle-like over the patio furniture. Then Natalie takes off her top and swears she loves Dave long time. Even though she swore she loved Peculiar Jesse just last week. Natalie makes me feel sad. Also old. Also also, disease-free.
Back at the house, Peyton's date card says something about engines and running. She selects Kovacs, Kiptyn and Peculiar Jesse to be her gentlemen companions on the date. Tenley is displeased by the idea of Kiptyn going on a date with another lady, especially one who is a better kisser than she is. Peyton announces that her new strategy is no strategy. All the ladies hate her already because she is a better kisser than they are, despite the handicap of having no upper lip. Over in Vegas, Dave and the ladies enter a luxe hotel suite only to be confronted with a dreaded note and a rose. Dave is instructed to choose one lady to stay the night and the other ladies have to ship out. Obviously Dave picks Natalie, even though Krisily's enormous rack is set to stun and aimed directly at his head. But, Natalie actually flashed her boobs! In the Loser Limo, Krisily pouts that she is never going to be able to tell Dave she likes him now! Except for, you know, when he gets back to California. Nikki has been thinking about it for a while, and she thinks maybe she should have taken off her top, too. Strategically, it might have been the thing to do. Meanwhile, Dave and Natalie get the magical overnight date card with the key to a Fantasy Suite and a condom with Chris Harrison's face on it. Obviously, they are both more than happy to take their relationship to the level. On national television.
Dave and Natalie decide that their new couple-ness must be their own personal secret that they can only announce to a clergy member or trusted adult. Peculiar Jesse is really excited about the fantasy suite because despite having his face surgically attached to Natalie's for the first few episodes of this delightful show, he now confesses that he has a secret crush on Peyton. Before the big date, Tenley feels the need to stake her claim on Kiptyn before he is tempted with a fantasy suite night with Peyton. She goes to surprise him in his bed, but ends up being surprised herself when he more or less asks her to leave. Tenley is shocked because she is magical and is dressed by bluebirds every morning and who doesn't want to fuck a Disney princess? Isn't that the founding principle of Disney World? Kiptyn pretends that he is just really tired, but THAT IS NEVER TRUE. Tenley pouts, cries a little and goes to complain to Natalie, who shrugs. Tenley decides that she doesn't like Kiptyn at all and is going to poison an apple or sic a dwarf on him or something.
Peyton goes out on her threesome with Kiptyn, Peculiar Jesse and Kovacs to the drag racing track to re-enact the scenes their lawyers and insurance representatives will let them re-enact from The Fast and the Furious. To be clear, none of these guys is Jason Statham. NONE OF THEM! Sorry, I feel very strongly about Jason Statham. He will kick your ass if you disagree. Peyton seems to be entirely unaware that Kovacs and Elizabeth are dating, so she's not that smart. Or just doesn't care about Elizabeth. Or both. Probably both. Back at the house, everyone takes odds on who Peyton will give the rose to. Tenley is pretty sure Peyton is after Kiptyn, but pretends she is totally happy that Kiptyn would be safe and not rotting in a tower with a fire-breathing dragon at the base.
Out at the track, it's burrito break time, and Kiptyn and Peyton make the most of it. And, seriously, the best thing about this show could be that they have burritos. Kiptyn lies to Peyton and claims he has no feelings for Tenley. Then he tells the camera that he lied. Then it's Kovacs's turn to pop Peyton's champagne cork and he reverts to his plan to pretend he's single, but he also knows it is kind of hopeless. Peculiar Jesse takes the anchor position on the syphilis relay, and as the only single guy on the date it is not too long before he gets a kiss and then the Rose of Immunity. It doesn't hurt that Peyton thinks he's dreamy. Kovacs pouts as he realizes that his stupid girlfriend Elizabeth is ruining all his chances at hooking up with the ladies. Yes, yes, Elizabeth ruins everything. Let's just end the show there, eh?
Everyone heads back to Herpes Manor, and then, on the door step, Jesse and Peyton get hit with the Fantasy Suite card. But their Fantasy Suite is no one's fantasy and, instead, is really just the upstairs bedroom at Herpes Manor separated from the rabble with a fringe (not even velvet!) rope. They make out, and the camera fades away. So we get no night vision of second base or anything. But the fornicating couple does get serenaded inadvertently by Wes, who is trying to woo Gia away from her magical unicorn of a boyfriend by singing a song with lyrics. Gia is really moved, because she has never listened to a song with words before and can't believe how beautiful, like, words set to music are. Gia thinks Wes is like the Nickelback version of Shakespeare except for cuter and better. She is confused about her feelings for Wes, Shakespeare, Nickelback and her imaginary boyfriend. She also appears to be drunk or been touched by the spirit, because she is kind or rocking back and forth and rubbing herself with her eyes closed. Then Gia goes to cuddle Wes in bed, but NO TOUCHING. Gia is concerned that her boyfriend won't like her kissing boys for money, but she is pretty sure he won't mind her sleeping in the same bed as a boy for free. I mean, she's no prostitution whore.
It's the morning after, and Peyton and Peculiar Jesse wake up in bed packed like sardines and ready for their walk of shame down the stairs. They walk into the kitchen to fanfare and the Cool Kids chant, "One of us! One of us!" as Peyton joins the ranks of household whores. Meanwhile, Gia is in her... underwear? bikini? and Wes is gawking and rocking a pants tent while Gia pretends nothing happened, and Wes claims he is in love. Wes goes to try and convince the men to vote anyone but Gia off, and Gia goes to talk to Kiptyn to try and restore their fake friendship. Apparently the guys have narrowed down their nightly ejection to either Gia or Elizabeth. Gia wants to make sure it is Elizabeth who goes home, and so does Wes. But Kovacs and Dave want to ensure Elizabeth stays and they need Kiptyn on their side. They both prevail upon him to let their ladies stay and choose the other's head shot for elimination. I am pretty sure this is how the electoral college works.
It's Elimination Day! We know the guys are looking to eliminate either Gia or Elizabeth, but the girls have no plans or strategy because strategizing adds five pounds. Chris Harrison earns his salary (which is the size of Nicaragua's GDP) by wandering in and reminding the brain-dead contestants that they have to vote. He then wanders back to pet his white tiger. During the voting, Wes wanders the party with a beer in his hand and tries to rouse the men against Elizabeth so that Gia can stay. I'm not quite sure strategy-wise why he would pick to oust Kovacs's girlfriend, Elizabeth, to get the boot, as opposed to say, Vampire Queen Gwen who can't even come out in the sunlight lest she blind the contestants with her sparkle. He also could have decided to focus his ouster efforts on ANY of the other girls whose names no one even knows. But still Wes is determined that it must be Elizabeth to go. Which just shows that he is very, very stupid. Or Elizabeth is even more despicable off camera than she seems on camera. It's possible.
Rose Ceremony Time! Try to contain your excitement. Chris Harrison is wearing a rather staid grey suit, but Melissa Rycroft has murdered a Muppet and strung its head on her chest as a warning to all other comers. Harrison starts handing out the roses: Ashley, Kiptyn, Tenley, Nikki, Gwen, Wes and Krisily are safe, and then it is the last four roses. Kovacs and The Weatherman are the last two men and, of course, Kovacs is safe because he is popular and has a George Michael beard and the '80s are coming back and The Weatherman is pretty much yucky. Harrison announces that there is a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. Harrison makes up some rules on the spot and decides that Dave, as the Best Kisser in the land, gets to decide which girl is going home. Dave wants to say something first: Life's not fair. With that little future needlepoint aphorism out of the way, he chooses Gia to go home. This is one of the least surprising endings to a very unsurprising show. Chris Harrison recommends that Gia and The Weatherman say their goodbyes, but everyone hates The Weatherman and Gia only has eyes for Wes. She orders Wes not to make her cry and then heads off to the Loser Limo to sniffle in peace. The Weatherman is bitter and Gia is crying as their limos depart. Gia won't say that she loves Wes, but she hints that she might. Dave is an ass for breaking apart their burgeoning love affair. He should really consider immolating himself.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our guide to the contestants' most memorable moments!
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates would really like a taco and a shower. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.