Psycho Beach Party

S12E06

Previously: Penn Jillette was rightly called out by his team (Clay in particular) for being condescending, while the Aubrey O'Day/Lisa Lampanelli junta were really into the creative freedom of being creative and didn't much care for the delegation from Venezuela. Tia Carrere got while the getting was good, dignity-wise.

Post-Pinkslip Aftermath:
The women's team is divided pretty cleanly, with Lisa, Aubrey and Debbie on one side, Patricia and Dayana on the other and Teresa willing to float to whatever side is making her feel less like the total idiot she is.

In happier news, Lou Ferrigno gets to present the winning team's check to an adorable little girl with muscular dystrophy. Lou gets choked up, despite the fact that the moment is as obviously staged as anything I've seen on TV, from the coached little girl to the insanely glossy music, but it's adorable nonetheless.

The Task:
The client is Crystal Light. The judges are Don Jr. and Ivanka. The mission is to throw a launch party to introduce one of two Crystal Light "mocktail" flavors. The women choose Aubrey as project manager and will promote the Pomtini flavor. The men choose Clay as the PM and will promote the Peach Bellini flavor. The Crystal Ligt execs stress that they are looking for creativity, brand messaging and an overall party atmosphere in this task. Aubrey manages to let us know that "as a sorority sister and former member of Danity Kane, I've thrown lots of parties." Noted. Clay, meanwhile, interviews that "as a clubber," Aubrey has an advantage. "Aubrey popped right out of her momma's choch and started grabbing onto the stripper pole," he giggles, followed by a "...How's that? Can you use that?" FUCK, I like Clay Aiken now.

Team Unanimous:
Clay does a bit of place-setting in his interview, saying, "You'd think we would all go to a lot of parties. You know, Dee and ... Paul?" Sigh. No, the truth is that this men's team is full of wallflowers. How are they going to sell the "literally, a party in a pack" Crystal Light fancy drinks? The execs say the word "fun" about a hundred times, so guess what they're looking for. Clay pitches "Life's a Peach" to the team, and while Penn sits in quiet judgment of Clay's beach-party idea, nobody objects. Arsenio and Penn sent out to go prop shopping, which keeps Penn out of Clay's hair while Dee is placed in charge of signage, and Lou and Paul are given the crucial task of unwrapping the little paper umbrellas. Paul seems cool and good-humored about it, which is not what I would have expected from him.

Ivanka visits, perfection as usual. She bats her eyes at Dee's flirting and joshes the men about being "stiffs" when it comes to partying. Man, you know it must burn Dee Snider up to have to play such a square on TV after establishing his heavy metal bona fides for so long. Ivanka asks, on her dad's insistent behalf, if Penn is taking a backseat on this task, after his and Clay's dustup last week. Clay recruits his own music director and practices a rather lovely "Under the Boardwalk," to be performed with Arsenio and Dee.

At their party, the show teases like attendance is going to be low, but I guess everybody was just waiting for the suspense-building commercials to be over before filing in. Oh God, the Claymates showed up. How weird for Clay, to see his crazy fans outside of the contained environment of a concert or digging through his trash for mementos. Arsenio is in charge of dancing, it would seem, as he supervises the limbo competition and even starts a Soul Train line. THAT is a party, everybody. Clay, it should be noted, is very impressed at the limbo skills of a pair of hot guys. Anyway, Dee found their party to be a "dudes' party," without such womanly concerns as tables or coat racks. Get OUT of here, girly coat racks!

OH! And then after the commercial break, we get the most important piece of information: the guys get Kathie Lee and Hoda to show up to their party. GAME OVER, TASK WON. Y'all, those ladies are going to be so pissed when they find out there's no booze in those Bellinis. ...What am I saying, Kathie Lee doesn't go anywhere without a flask strapped to each thigh. Kathie Lee actually likes the drink, and she is NOT the type to front if she doesn't like something. Unrelated: I'm slightly surprised Clay isn't claiming his facial hair situation as peach-fuzz inspired in service of this task. Eventually, Clay, Dee and Arsenio bust out "Under the Boardwalk," and it results in a party-wide singalong, which bodes verrrry well for the boys' team

Team Forte:
Early on, Aubrey latches onto the idea of the pomegranate as the "forbidden fruit" from the Garden of Eden. (Aubrey is rewriting the BIBLE in service of Donald Trump. She really should win.) The team then morphs that into the "UN-forbidden fruit," and that into "the Garden of Crystal Delight." It all sounds like a good idea, but the women are clearly getting the conflict edit, so they're going to lose. Aubrey plans to flex her creative muscles by defying the Crystal Light execs' request to be "sassy" and actually fun.

Everyone knows Teresa Giudice likes to throw a party and has exquisite taste. This according to Teresa Giudice. Her big idea is to create Dixie-cup popsicles out of the drink. That's the kind of party-planning strategy that comes with decking your entire foreclosed mansion out in onyx. Debbie, meanwhile, is writing an original jingle and putting it on CDs that the team will hand out at the party. Patricia is put in charge of signage, but she's also squarely in the sights of Lisa and Aubrey. Lisa -- a former editor at Rolling Stone, apparently -- gets pissed that Patricia is ignoring her requests to proofread her copy. It'd be easier to feel sorry for Patricia if she weren't describing Lisa and Aubrey's micromanaging as "the most damaging human behavior I have ever seen in my life."

Don Jr. arrives, and Aubrey interviews that he "makes [her] nervous." Totally understandable. "...because I have a CRUSH on him." Wait, WHAT? Gross. Aubrey explains her idea of a high-tech garden concept: "We're taking a lot of photos of gardens instead of something that anyone can do, which is put a lot of forestry and trees around." I don't even have to explain why the stupid things she says are stupid, right? Don asks about their party not being very fun. Aubrey: "The fun element is something that we need to creatively continue to push." Indeed.

Patricia is doing her own thing on the signage and branding, without checking back in with Aubrey as much as Aubrey would like. Patricia once again interviews about the crappiness of Aubrey and Lisa. "Some people don't get into the level of criticizing and backstabbing and saying bad things about people and we just do the work," Patricia says. And it's true. But those good people are not on Celebrity Apprentice. When the posters arrive from the printer, Aubrey is dismayed to learn that there are no posters that specifically say Crystal Light. It's Patricia's fault, says Aubrey, because she didn't get her ideas approved.

Later, Debbie records her jingle, with that weird new vocal affect she's been featuring lately, and Teresa in placed in charge of carpeting ... and the floors look disgusting. Seems appropriate. Sidebar: Aubrey has that God-awful squeaky Kardashian voice that I hate so much. Talk like a god damned woman!

So as party time approaches, Teresa's popsicles look fucking JANK, and Aubrey is dressed like Princess Kashmir, but per Lisa, the party looked very "elegant." Still, despite Teresa's insistence that it's a "par-TAY," the tasteful string quartet on the post-production soundtrack tells us this is a Fancy Party, not a fun Soul Train party. Dayana brings her hottie pageant friends along, and Debbie sings her song, which turns out to have a catchy little melody. Also, throughout the episode, Aubrey is CONSTANTLY talking shit about Debbie's songs and her "annoying" hooks. Bitch, is this some residual Danity Kane territorialism? You were BARELY a pop star. Shut it down. Nevertheless, Aubrey is pleased at the catchiness of Debbie's jingle. There's a weird momentary team unity on Forte, while they all enthuse about how great the party turned out, but how long can that be expected to last? Indeed, Aubrey says she's bracing herself for backstabbing in the boardroom. She seems like a cool and normal human being who would be fine to be around in all circumstances.

The Boardroom:
This contest doesn't seem close -- the boys clearly killed it -- but let's see. The Crystal Light execs were impressed with the sense of fun at the guys' party and with Debbie's song, and they single out Aubrey as a "star." As for potential problems, it seems that signage was the bugaboo for the boys, while branding an issue for the girls.

Inside, Aubrey is fake as shit as she enthuses about her team chemistry, but the women uniformly are incredibly positive that they won and won't point out any weak spots in the task. Trump grossly enthuses about Aubrey's ability to talk up her team. "Does she have a mouthpiece or what?" he croaks like an illiterate buffoon. He promises Aubrey a boyfriend when the show is over. Teresa is challenged by having to sum up the concept of the party using words and sentences, but he does say she'd fire Dayana if called upon. Trump susses out that they just don't like Dayana. Which is generally true, but this week, even Lisa is reluctant to point the finger at Dayana, as they're still riding high on this team unity thing.

Meanwhile, on the boys' team, the execs loved Clay, and Dee pipes up to admit that he initially underestimated Clay in the game, because ... and then he trails off because he doesn't know a better way to say "because he's a homo and all." Trump asks Clay who he'd bring back to the boardroom if they lose, and I have to say, as much as I find him a disgusting person, I have to hand it to Trump on the genius of this relatively new practice. It makes sure the winning team gets the seeds of dissent sown even in victory. Anyway, Clay dithers all the way through a commercial break, then says he'd pick Dee and either Lou or Paul. Not a great moment for Clay, game-wise. Trump HATES dithering when it comes to this question. Smarten up. Aubrey dithers much less and says she'd pick Dayana and Patricia, causing a lot of elbow-poking about how she clearly hates Venezuela.

Trump declares the men's team to be the winners, obviously. And here's how I see it: the biggest problem for the women's team was the fact that their party was not as fun. And that was Aubrey's fault, for sure. But ain't no WAY Aubrey is going anywhere; not when there's a television show to put on. So it's going to be a sad day for Venezuela in a few minutes.

The boys celebrate, and Clay gets a moment to regret that he had to call three people out on the carpet unnecessarily. Hey, welcome to Trump TV. Anyway, the boys all laugh at Aubrey crying on the monitor.

Inside the boardroom, Aubrey's tears get Trump to donate $10k to stop teen bullying, as per Aubrey's charity, which gets LISA crying at the generosity of it all. Jesus. "It takes you about 30 seconds to make that amount..." she says to Trump, which is some fine unintended shade. Aubrey seems honestly saddened to break up this team, which does surprise me, but she still says she'd boot Dayana. Trump says he likes that Dayana brought models to the party. Aubrey, he's giving you an out; take it. Pro tip for anyone going on this stupid show: Learn to read Trump! He's capricious but not complicated. If you can see that he clearly doesn't intend to fire someone, pick a new target.

Speaking of, Patricia refuses to say who she'd fire (weak link!), which only causes Trump to grow less patient with the lovey-doveyness of the girls. "If you get fired tonight," he asks Aubrey, "would you still love them?" Aubrey: "I'm not getting fired tonight." Bitch is good in the boardroom, I will give her that. She actually perfectly articulates something too few people on this show articulate: the "We may not have had a glaring weakness this week, but if it's about keeping the strongest team together for the tasks ahead, please eliminate X" defense.

Ivanka brings up crucial issue: whose idea was it to run with the "Pomtini" brand over the "Crystal Light" brand? Aubrey stresses she gave specific instructions on the signage, but it's ultimately revealed that it was Patricia's responsibility. Trump is just DYING to fire her, it should be noted. The two women disagree over whether Aubrey got approval on everything. Debbie dithers when asked whom she'd fire, and Don Jr. earns my momentary allegiance by smiling his reptilian smile and wondering how everyone can be so shocked when they're asked who they'd fire. He's right, though. Forty minutes out of every episode consists of Trump asking people whom they'd fire. Debbie eventually reads the tea leaves and says Patricia, for the printing. She feigns towards Aubrey as a possibility but says she's been a major creative force for them all along. Back in the peanut gallery, Dee pipes in that the women have lost four of six tasks under the Aubrey/Lisa junta. Dayana, to her credit, basically says just that. Aubrey picks Dayana and Patricia to return to the boardroom with her. Bing bam boom.

The You're-Fired-ing:
Obviously, Aubrey is drama-queen gold, and Trump wants Dayana to bring in the Miss Universe girls for at least another week, so this elimination is an easy one to call. Aubrey still says she'd fire Dayana and even sticks up for Patricia's contributions. Don yips about how they're judging THIS task (which ... it's not at all clear that that is the case on this show). Ivanka encourages Dayana to take it personally and fire back at her teammates. Instead, Dayana makes a great case for Aubrey's wonky creative vision, at which point Aubrey takes credit for Dayana and Debbie's wins. "You cannot fire creative people for being creative," Aubrey stresses, really parroting Lisa's lines there. It's faulty logic like whoa, too. Creative people get fired all the time for crappy creativity.

By Joe R

Patricia makes her case as the most resourceful one on the team, which is dubious but whatever. Then Don Jr. grossly crows about getting Team Venezuela to fracture when Dayana nods at his statement that Patricia was the one who highlighted "Pomtini" over Crystal Light in the branding. You keep sowing seeds of dissention among the brown folks, Don. Hold on to that seat in the ivory tower a little while longer. Dayana again makes a great point that Aubrey's leadership allowed too many branding options (Pomtini, un-forbidden fruits, garden of Crystal Delights, et cetera), but Trump has a one-track mind. He badgers Patricia into admitting she made a printing mistake, then fires her. After the women leave, Trump says he's amazed that people can be nice to one another after ripping each other apart for his amusement. In her exit interview, Patricia doesn't say much of interest. She kind of took the Tia leaving-with-my-dignity route too.

week: Reege! Tribe swap! Teresa vs. Debbie!

Joe R is really bummed he missed out on the George Takei and Victoria Gotti episodes. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com, and you can listen to him yammer on to his heart's content on the Extra Hot Great podcast.