Previously: There was a recession, and people lost their jobs. But Trump's here to help by hiring one of them. Sixteen people were competing, but a bossy pageant princess got the boot a week ago -- even though Trump didn't really like either team. And we're more than three minutes in before we get anything new -- which was okay when this was a padded, two-hour show last season, but is that really necessary now? Anyway, in the suite, the women class it up by toasting to losing the "wicked witch." [I would have thought that was Mahsa. -- Angel] The men, meanwhile, decide Angry David will be their project manager. Clint worries it could be their "kiss of death." Or, you know, David's. Shortened "Money, money, money" credits. I guess they cut here to make room for reliving last week's episode in its entirety.
morning, the contestants are lined up in a park when Trump arrives with some henchmen (George! and Don) to tell them they'll be selling ice cream, and winning is simple: Whoever makes the most profit wins. Poppy steps up to project manage for the ladies. They head off to set up their plans of attack. David talks about sucking people in with costumes, and he puts James (who wanted to fly under the radar, but he's from New York) in charge of location. The ladies decide Mahsa will be in charge of location, and Stephanie will be in charge of sales, with three other people. Poppy puts Liza in charge of accounting, even though she interviews later she's never done any sort of accounting ever. Let me guess: They're going to have money problems in a challenge that's all about profit.
The guys -- decidedly not in costume, by the way -- are busy selling in Union Square. "Selling" here seems to amount to just screaming about ice cream and hoping people bite. What a nice change from the "celebrity" version where they just call their rich friends, which I was sort of expecting them to do; I think I'd forgotten how this version works. Basically, they scream and flirt and consider this hard work. Especially for James and Alex, who just stand by and do nothing. Then they take off and find David to tell him the aggressive, hard-sell strategy is going overboard. James doesn't consider this a plan anyway, and would rather just move to a new location. David listens, and moves their ice cream stand, and tells the guys not to scream so much.
The women get a later start than the guys, and things immediately turn dramatic, because Liza's telling people they can pay $3, even though the price is $5. Stephanie bosses Poppy around and doesn't care if the women hate her, but wants everyone to stick with $5. Even when potential customers tell them they should be ashamed for selling ice cream sandwiches for $5. Liza thinks they need wigs, matching tops, or something, because they're not looking like a marketable brand. So, she and Poppy head to a store and get pink tank-tops and headbands. Then they find a new location where things are going better. Stephanie tells us how stupid it is for five girls to sell one Popsicle to one person, so she sells a case of them to a guy.
Back at Octane, James and Alex just mosey around a store looking for costumes. They're in no hurry, because James is loving being away from the group who are just yelling at people. They get the barbershop-quartet vests and hats back to the team and they all get to selling. Alex does nothing wrong, but David interviews about how Alex is just a follower and a puppy dog. Then he says, "You can't put a puppy dog in front of people in New York City and have it sell ice cream. It just doesn't work." That's weird, because I think people in any city would rather buy from a puppy dog than from these guys. Because puppy dogs are adorable. James, who's not a salesman, just gives people long spiels about the heat and ice cream, but doesn't sell any. They all notice the girls are in the spot they gave up originally, and seem to be selling like crazy. James worries, because moving was his idea, so if they lose now, it's not looking good for him. This is pretty boring. Maybe someone will blow a gasket soon and I'll have some real drama to recap.
Eventually, the women's luck turns, though, and they complain about how the afternoon sales are not going great. Which is, of course, when Don shows up ON THE SUBWAY. Why on Earth would a Trump take the subway? Anyway, he notices their biggest flaw is they're twenty yards from the biggest subway stop in New York City and aren't working the entrance or exit. He stands back and watches as Stephanie bitches to her teammates. As Don's observing Team Fortitude, Octane drives from Union Square to Father Demo Square (another James suggestion). Anand says he was concerned about Demo Park, which wasn't as high-traffic as Union Square, but soon he realized people here were interested in ice cream. David has let Steuart and Anand loose on the women of Demo Park, apparently because he thinks being hot is a sales strategy (then again, so does every advertising agent in the world).
Back at Fortitude, it's the end of Day 1, and Stephanie's telling everyone how tomorrow there will be no kissing babies, petting puppies, or listening to customers' jokes. Just tell them you don't have time and send them along. (This is the person Poppy put on sales?) She realizes she sounds like a Nazi, but she doesn't want to lose. Everyone else would sort of like Poppy to step up and tell Stephanie to shut it, but she won't even though she seems to hate Stephanie.
On Day 2, the guys are back at Union Square -- in the spot they gave up to the ladies the day -- when the women show up and find them there. Stephanie's pissed, so they decide to "push them out" by setting up right to them. The guys thinks the women will just lure people in and then they can take their sales from them. Stephanie, who wouldn't know irony if it told her a joke or kissed her baby, says she'd never buy anything from sales people as "aggressive and arrogant" as the guys. It gets very heated between the guys and girls, particularly between Kelly and Steuart. Finally, Poppy decides to leave the guys' area for the last hour of the day. They head to the other side of the park, and start selling great. Poppy's already deciding who her weak sellers are (Liza is the one she mentions) in case she loses.
George shows up at Octane and notices how aggressive the guys are at selling. Which he sees as a good thing, because this is New York City. Fortitude takes their remaining stock at the end of the day to give it away free right in front of Octane's truck, just to take away sales. I get that the strategy here is to keep them from selling, but do they realize they are also keeping themselves from selling by giving it away? They seem pretty proud of the decision to do this, so I'm guessing they're not smart enough to know what they've done. Tyana, in fact, says it was "an amazing last-minute strategy" to ruin Octane's last ten minutes. Knowing Trump like I do, though (and I don't know him at all), I have to think he'll be more impressed with people trying to bring in profit right up to the last minute than with people giving product away free.
Boardroom time. Poppy tells Trump she thinks they did well and probably won. Trump asks if they had an advantage because they're all beautiful women. Brandy doesn't think they had an advantage and says the guys were using the same tactic, by selling to young women. Trump acknowledges that, yeah, the guys are probably good-looking, but that's never been his thing. I really believe he doesn't think other opinions matter. He asks Poppy her weakest player, and after the usual "I don't want to" "You have to pick a name" back and forth, she chooses Liza as the weakest player, saying she should be fired if they lose. He says he's basing it on her sales, since this was a sales task. Liza starts defending herself in full-on, fast-talking crazy mode. He asks Brandy what she thinks, and Trump says, "Liza, you're fired." She starts to cry, and then he says he was only kidding. Everyone laughs, but he says he's just in somewhat of a crazy mood. And it's not like this is a TV show or anything, so Trump can just do what his moods say. Liza tells her team it's not fair what they're doing, and Trump agrees. But, you know, he's crazy. Trump asks Liza if Poppy was a good project manager, and she said Stephanie ran the whole task, not Poppy. Poppy says it's getting personal. Which is hilarious, since she was the one singled out first. Mahsa says she'd never fire Poppy, who totally impressed her. Mahsa thinks they won, but she says she knows it, and Trump lectures her about it: "You don't know anything. Say you think you won, because you can't know anything." If it means being mean to Mahsa, I love Trump's crazy moods.
Trump moves on to David, who is also confident his team won. He quickly answers Trump's question about his weakest player, saying Alex and James. He says Alex is a puppy dog, who takes too much management. Trump asks Alex about that, and Alex says it's tough to hear because he was in retail sales before. But he doesn't think he's weak, because "I kicked some butt on this task." David then explains his choice of James. He says he's smart, but he overthinks everything, and James admits he's never sold anything. Trump tells him that everyone needs to be able to sell themselves so you have to be a salesman. Trump asks Gene who he'd fire if the team loses, and Gene says James. Wade (who?) agrees. James keeps nodding his head, so Donald and his henchmen ask him if he's in agreement and why he doesn't fight. James is ready to fight: He chose Father Demo Square, and he chose to get matching costumes. David says James did it in his slow motion speed, but Trump doesn't see him as slow motion. David says, "Mr. Trump, he puts me to sleep, which isn't easy to do." James then calls David "erratic," "emotionally charged," and "prone to breakdowns."
Trump finally shuts them up and tells them one team made $1,500 and the other made $1,800. The women won, so Poppy will get to meet Jack Welch as her prize. He sends them back to their suite to watch the guys duke it out on the screen. Trump asks Liza if she feels okay, and she says she's okay now, but was kind of worried back when he fired her. They leave and the men stay so one of them can be fired. It must be a quick and easy one since there's only ten minutes left in the episode.
David tells Trump he's disappointed and surprised. Trump points out they had one more person than the women and the women still did much better. Back in the suite, Poppy says everyone did a great job, and tries to make amends with Liza, who cuts her off: "Don't even frickin' look at me bitch, okay?" Ha. People ask Liza to "come on," but she tells them this isn't a celebration after what they just tried to do to her. Brandy tells Liza to keep going down that road and isolating herself. Tyana asks if they can listen to the guys for now and "fight right after." So they tune back in.
David sticks to his guns: that James and Alex are the guys he had to baby-sit the whole time. Trump says it seems pretty obvious he'll bring them back to the boardroom, to which David replies that he has no choice: "My other teammates rocked out loud." He really did just say that. Trump pauses, and my heart skips a beat while I think he might just fire David right then for being such a tool. But, instead, he sends the rest of the guys out.
James says it's clear he and David have butted heads and had some disagreements, because he's been vocal about his opinions since he has responsibility for the outcome. Trump asks who should be fired, and James says it's a toss-up: Alex is the weakest player on the team, but David made some critical errors. Trump asks if Alex is the weakest player or the weakest on this task. James says his performance was sub par in both tasks. Alex can barely formulate a sentence to try to defend himself. He basically babbles about how he screamed to work hard. I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm just quoting the weak guy here. Trump asks David who the team could do without, and he's like, "Either one of them," which gives George a chuckle. David says it was like being back with his five children. Trump asks who is stronger, and David says James is, as a person, but Alex gave a better effort in this task because he tried everything David asked even though his sales remained low.
Alex stumbles again over defending himself, and Trump says he doesn't blame him for being nervous, but does he really think he's in these guys' league? Alex does think he is. Trump points out he's not saying that as negative or positive (because there is usually such a positive sentiment to saying someone isn't in someone else's league), but asks James if Alex is in their league. James says no. Alex flails some more, as Don and George jump in to pound on him a little, too. He flails. Trump insults him a little more, then moves on to David. He wonders if he shouldn't fire him, as project manager of a losing team. David doesn't think he should (uh, duh), but James says David took a lot on but never delegated or had a plan or direction. Alex says he was also told conflicting prices. Then David gets weird again, saying he "worked it out with each one of my stallions, my reps that were out there killing it, to sell like they wanted to. You do not keep a prize horse in the stable. I let my guys gallop." Seriously ... what? David says he sold more than Alex and he did everything else. Then he makes a sour face at Alex. Trump jumps in again and says his problem is with Alex selling the least, and he doesn't seem to have the same passion as the other two. He fires him and sends him on his way. In the lobby, Alex hugs James and shakes David's hand. In a shocking twist, George and Don agree with Trump's decision.
Alex's taxicab confession: He thinks David brought him into the boardroom because they got off on the wrong foot. He says David put him in a position to fail this task, but he was really hoping to escape. But Alex loved working for Trump, and will cherish it forever. After the confession, we learn that Alex got a job right after being fired from The Apprentice, so his wife is sleeping at night again. And look at that: An unemployed American hired by someone other than Trump!
week: Each team will run a hotel for dogs. David: "Yay!" But Mahsa squeals as she cleans up poop. The blondes yell at Liza, and Mahsa joins in. James and David fight and fight some more, and it appears James is project manager. David's psyched to lose the task. How is it possible that -- even with people like Mahsa and Poppy on the women's team -- the guys are the bigger drama queens?
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has paid $5 for an ice cream sandwich. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.