Previously: This show was pretty ridiculous, but at least the Rivers women kept it entertaining. And Piers was annoying, even when it's not his season. Natalie and Herschel were both eliminated, as KOTU lost again and again. And Angel mercifully filled in for me.
Everyone watching the boardroom is sad that Herschel's gone, and wonders how Clint keeps making it. Then Clint doesn't hug the guy who tried to throw him under the bus. What a big jerk, as Jesse tells us, calling it Clint's "self-preservation instinct." Clint and Joan think the teams will be reshuffled and they'll get a new team member. "Money, money, money." Trump jet. Shiny things. The interesting thing about the opening credits is that everyone is with some indication of why they're famous, except Khloe, because there is no reason. Jesse gives his money to Long Beach Education Foundation, which gives industrial arts programs to inner-city kids. Jesse shows up and gives them $20,000, which they appreciate. Jesse says he went to this school, and it's important to him because he's always used his hands for hard work.
Our few remaining celebrities line up in the NBA store, and wait for Trump and his entourage. Trump immediately sends Jesse to KOTU, leaving Melissa with the mean girls. Jesse tells Trump that he loves Joan but Clint's not a team player. Trump tells the gang he hates people who smell, and that's why the task is for Right Guard deodorant. Joan's face looks freshly plastic surgeried, by the way. It's distracting. Anyway, Right Guard suits say the task is to create a new Right Guard print ad, which should include David Lee. Trump has Ivanka and freaking Jim Cramer as his eyes and ears. Trump tells us how much he respects Jim Cramer, as if he needed to prove that he's not nearly as smart as Jon Stewart. Project managers: Brande and Clint. Brande taunts Clint, because she's been in photo shoots. Trump says the winner gets $20,000, and the loser might get fired.
Athena finds jerseys with their names on them from Right Guard. Melissa's idea for the ad is to have the three of them in the ad, but Annie and Brande sort of ignore her. She tells us she's living in a weird Cone of Silence. I sort of can't believe how snarky Melissa is. I guess she was raised by Joan, so it does make sense, but I like her more than I expected to. And it makes me hate myself. Anyway, she keeps offering ideas, and Annie and Brande keep ignoring her. Annie tells us if Melissa keeps coming up with bad ideas, she's going to be shut out. Annie's idea is to have David Lee naked holding a ball (not that kind! A basketball). It will say that Right Guard is all he needs to wear. They ask the execs about it, and they like it as long as it's integrated back to the product. It's not too risqué. Melissa tries to talk and Annie keeps interrupting her and not letting her talk to the execs. They are enemies. Did you know that?
KOTU's photographer, Alex, shows up. Jesse wants to go shoot the cityscape to put the New York skyline in the ad. A model shows up to pose with David in their "advertorial." That sort of tells you how text-heavy Clint's ad is if he's calling it advertorial. They're shooting ads with a stand-in before David shows up, so they can set it all up before David shows up. Clint feels like putting Jesse's ideas with more Right Guard is a "solid" idea. "Solid." Get it? Ivanka shows up to find out how they're doing. Joan tells Ivanka that Clint's listening a little better this time (12 or 18 percent better). They both tell Ivanka Jesse might be the type who sits back and lets his project manager hang himself, and then throws him under the bus. In a cab, Jesse confirms this by saying his team's going to lose; he has a feeling of doom. He says he's running around trying to shoot the city, but Clint's stinking it up. Jesse says it's all about talent now, and he's going to shoot the photos that will work with his idea, and will tell Clint it's that or his stupid idea.
Athena's at a night club shooting a backdrop of girls. Melissa's coming up with ideas while Brande models with some other club girls. Melissa starts to leave, and Brande goes to whisper with Annie about Melissa, who she calls "someone." She tells Annie Melissa thought they were trying to "coerce" against her. Brande: Get yourself a dictionary. Annie, to her credit, asks what, and then sort of corrects her with the word "conspire." She interviews that she doesn't have to conspire because Melissa sucks. Brande says she's the weak link. So, you know, they're totally proving Melissa right, because they are definitely conspiring against her. Brande says, "As a crazy person, you're not going to win." I really hope Melissa wins this game.
Jesse's back at KOTU with awesome New York City photos. Clint likes them, and incorporates it into the ad. Meaning, he puts the bridge, but then adds flames and a bunch of words. Joan and Jesse don't agree. Jesse says Clint sucks, and Joan doesn't want any friction, so he's going to do all the ganging up on Clint. He says Clint doesn't know what he's doing, and has no business doing it. As opposed to everyone else, who are all experts on this. Jesse's really angry, and hates this. Clint's asking Jesse stuff, and Jesse ignores him. Even Joan asks him to listen, and Jesse just says, "It's Clint's call." Clint thinks that Jesse can't expect him to take 100 percent of his ideas 100 percent of the time. Joan thinks Jesse is trying to throw Clint under the bus. She acknowledges Clint is "a one-man band" who would "give himself a hickey," but Jesse shouldn't try to sink him.
Ivanka asks Joan if there's truth in what Clint's saying. She says it wasn't a team, and she felt more like a kindergarten teacher. Trump asks Jesse if Joan's a team player, and he jokes that she's an asshole. Trump think she's been amazing so far. Jesse says he knew he'd be friends with her, that there's this crazy sexual electricity between them. Hee. Joan says she didn't agree with Clint's ideas, but as soon as he decided on them, she did everything she could to help him. She says Clint has come a long way since they met, but he's still difficult. She says he's changed as much as he possibly can without deep therapy. Trump doesn't think anyone changes. Trump asks if Clint ever takes his hat off, and he says he doesn't. Trump thinks he should maybe wear a hat, so everyone compliments his hair. Melissa says it's iconic. Clint says he wears it because black hats make your hair look thinner.
Brande thinks they won, and she explains their concept to Trump. Because there is too much time to fill. She then tells him how much she liked David Lee. They talk about his stats. Annie says he's a friend of hers. Trump see Joan roll her eyes, and he says Joan doesn't like Annie. Joan snits, "Everybody loves Annie." She says Annie must have some Christmas card list. Melissa tries to quiet her mom, but Joan says, "Quiet, Melissa. Mr. Trump asked me a question. I answered it." Family feud! Can I make it through 30 more minutes of this? I'm actually not sure that I can.
Annie tells Trump her team was good, and if they lose, she shouldn't lose because everything was put on her. Trump asks Melissa if that's true, and Melissa says Brande made those decisions. Trump asks Brande if Annie was tasked with a lot, and she says she did because Annie's the queen of stuff. Trump asks if Annie is the smartest person on their team. Ivanka says that knowing how to delegate is important, but Brande's undermining herself with this, because she gave up the opportunity to do the important tasks by forgoing them. Brande: "I don't think I foregooed" those. Melissa actually winces, thankfully, and Trump sort of does too. Trump asks if Annie took over the team. Brande says she didn't, but Melissa says that Brande allowed that to happen. Melissa felt she was being boxed out in game play, and it felt very much like game play. Trump asks if Melissa likes Annie, and Joan pipes in that she plays everyone like a deck of cards. Trump asks if that's true. She says she hasn't lied, and she's never made a personal attack on anyone in the boardroom. Joan says Brande's a follower, not a leader. Jim thinks Brande's queen analogy is problematic, because they're supposed to be three queens, but she just made them a queen and two pawns. Melissa thinks Annie's shutting her out because she thinks she can beat Brande more easily, but Annie says that's not true because Brande's such a good fundraiser and she doesn't want to go against that in the final.
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.