In the Hydra suite post-board room, the remaining members of Hydra -- Piers, Lennox, Trace, and Tito -- gloat over their most recent victory (this makes five, in case anyone's counting) and the defeat of Piers's mortal enemies on Empresario, Omarosa and Stephen in particular. Piers boasts that he'd rather quit than get stuck with the women's team. I'm going to shake a little salt on those words Piers just said, just in case. The Empresario suite, on the other hand, is fairly quiet when Omarosa and Marilu return from the board room to join Carol and Stephen. In an interview, Omarosa boasts that she's always in control of what happens on her team. Big talk for someone who's been beaten five times this season. And then both teams are summoned into board room, "immediately." To watch the credits, apparently.
Oh, but the credits are over and they're still there. Trump doesn't invite everyone to sit down; he's just going to switch up the teams. No more gender divisions. He assigns Tito, Marilu, and Trace to one team, with Lennox, Carol, and Omarosa on the other. That leaves Piers and Stephen. So which of his two mortal enemies is Piers going to be stuck on a team with? Be sure to watch all of the commercials to find out!
After the break, Trump seats Stephen with the new Empresario, and a very bitter Piers to Omarosa on the new Hydra. So Trump starts talking about Central Park and how awesome it is, thanks largely to the Trump buildings that surround it. That brings us to this week's task: running horse-and-carriage rides through the park. The team that makes the most money at it wins. Pretty simple, right?
At the Empresario suite, Trace steps up to be PM, since he's the only one on the team who's never done it. They joke a bit about the appropriateness of Trace leading a task that has to do with horses. Trace's charity? Something to do with severe food allergies and anaphylaxis, from which his six-year-old daughter suffers. Christ, Trace, how am I going to make fun of that? Give a guy a break. Empresario gets to work on the phones, shaking down everyone they know. Things hit a slight wrinkle when Trace snaps at Stephen for having him give people "incorrect" directions over the phone, failing to realize that 59th Street is the same as Central Park South. Stephen all but calls Trace a hick. Not very Christian of him.
At Hydra, Piers is serving as PM, and calls a truce with Omarosa until the end of the task. They shake on it and everything, And then his very order of business is to tell everyone that if he ends up in the boardroom, he's bringing back the people who raise the least money. Which he knows is going to put Omarosa at a disadvantage, what with her not being a real celebrity and all. I can't imagine her fundraising potential will increase by much after this episode airs.
The morning, the team is barely in the van when Piers bitches at Omarosa for misspelling his name on some form. So that immediately escalates into a full-blown fight, with Omarosa getting personal and bringing Piers's family into things. Shortest truce ever. Piers realizes Omarosa is throwing a tantrum because she's screwed moneywise. So she swears at him a lot and tells him to shut the fuck up. Omarosa's all about class. When the team finally gets to the Park and the guys climb out of the van, Omarosa stretches in the back seat and sighs, "That was refreshing." An already exhausted Carol thinks, "Speak for yourself, psycho."
Empresario is getting along much better. Not that that's hard, but they're doing very, very well. Trace is pleased with the way his folks are working the street. The staging areas for both teams' carriages are practically right to each other, close enough for Empresario to see the hate-beams flying back and forth between Omarosa and Piers.
Over at Hydra, Piers has decided to go ahead and fire Omarosa, but she refuses to leave, instead getting into Piers's face and taunting him, "Manage, PM! Manage your team!" and making it impossible for him to talk to the rest of the group. Somehow, thanks to the calming influence of Lennox and Carol, they climb down from there, but Piers still isn't happy because despite being fired, Omarosa has somehow ended up still in charge of the accounts and he suspects her of wanting to sabotage the whole team. Lennox asks what Piers is going to do about it. Piers doesn't know. The answer will eventually prove to be: drop that part of the thread entirely.
Back from ads, Stephen turns out to have procured for Empresario the second Baldwin brother of the season, Billy in this case. I certainly am looking forward to watching Stephen try to poach Daniel away from Dr. Drew. Marilu waves Billy around, like a carriage ride with him is a big deal in this day and age. A few young women are openly laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Being a Baldwin ain't what it used to be. Billy ends up riding in a carriage with a couple of female tourists and bitching openly to them about Stephen pimping out his family on the show. Not to defend Stephen Baldwin, but when Ma Baldwin was on a few weeks ago, it was to accept a giant check for her cancer foundation. Not at all the same as having to endure a coach ride with a couple of women who are only there because they're hoping Adam Baldwin will show up .*
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*Not a Baldwin brother. I know. Please don't e-mail me. Stephen.At Hydra, Piers has decided to hold back carriages so they'll be available when the big money customers show up. So Omarosa starts acting as a barker, trying to sell rides to bystanders. And they're off again, fighting like an old married couple, who are also siblings, on opposite sides of the Civil War, as well as being on Crossfire.
Marilu notices that Hydra's carriages are sitting idle, while Empresario's are always busy. George shows up and notices that Empresario is keeping things moving, and he figures that will turn out well for the team Tito's girlfriend Jenna Jameson takes a carriage ride with him. That little scene features romantic music and idyllic shots of the adorable woodland creatures that populate Central Park. I think it's meant to be ironic somehow, like a porn star and a guy who beats people up for a living can't be in love with each other. Who are you to judge, editors?
Ivanka stops by Hydra, and soon hears about what's been going on with Piers and Omarosa. Omarosa lies and says she's been supporting Piers and the team despite having been fired, but Piers doesn't hold back, saying that he'd like to see Omarosa strangled slowly and have sulfuric acid poured on her corpse. Way to take the high road, Piers. "Your father needs to know about this," Piers tells Ivanka. "I have a feeling you're going to be telling him," Ivanka assures him. A smart cookie, Ivanka.
Trace's buddy and fellow country music star John Rich from Big & Rich show up with a big wad of cash. "They don't call me John Rich for nothing," he cackles. I don't know where Big is, but it's probably just as well to keep him well clear of Jenna Jameson.
Over at Hydra, Omarosa and Piers fight some more while Piers nervously waits for his team's big donors. There are only twenty minutes left. Omarosa figures she's going down either way, but she evilly grins that she's going down with a bang. I was about to say she's going to be embarrassed if she doesn't actually get fired after all of this, but I'm not convinced she's capable of experiencing embarrassment. I'm certainly feeling enough on her behalf for the both of us.
And from there we go straight to the board room. Trump's first question is to Piers, asking if Piers is getting along better with Omarosa. And they're at each other's throats again. Piers is righteously indignant about Omarosa dragging his family life into their spat, while Omarosa insists that she was only attacking Piers himself. For being a shitty father, yes, but since it was only directed at Piers and not his actual kids, it's totally cool in the context of a game show where people are playing for charity. Trump asks Lennox what it was like, and Lennox compares it to his own fight with Mike Tyson. Piers calls Omarosa out for putting down his family, and even quotes her in a bleep-laden tirade that makes Ivanka flinch. Piers extends the Lewis-Tyson comparison, saying that if Omarosa were a man, he would have punched her in the face for the things she said. He let that stop him? Being the creative problem-solver that he is, I'm surprised Piers didn't try to pay Carol to do it. Bottom line: Piers refuses to work with Omarosa again, no matter what. He'd rather be fired. Trump notices that Piers has lost his cool for the first time, and Piers admits as much. "He's met his match," Omarosa gloats, as if acting like a completely irredeemable asshole in the heat of an argument is hard. It's much harder not to. And you'll notice that while Omarosa went right for Piers's nuts, Piers -- while not a particularly nice guy himself -- never stooped to her level. He may call her "trash" and "slime," but that's pretty nonspecific, if you also leave out his fantasizing about her death in gruesome detail. Even Empresario looks shocked and uncomfortable at being in the room with this mess. Trump doesn't take sides. In fact, he admits that he kind of hopes Hydra loses, to give him a way to solve this problem. That he created. On purpose.
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So Trump turns to Trace, who says this was one of the best days he had in New York and talks about how great his team worked together. Well, that was boring, uplifting music or no. So who ended up winning? George gives Empresario's final dollar total: $29,673. And Ivanka gives Hydra's: $35,184. Omarosa nods gloatingly, as though she had anything to do with it. In addition to the money they earned, Piers' charity gets an additional $30,000. It's called "The Intrepid Fallen Heroes" fund, for the families of American soldiers killed in combat. Trump realizes Omarosa can't work with Piers any more, and moves her to Empresario. Hydra leaves, as everyone laments the fact that the team that worked well together got its happy, peaceful, unified ass handed to it.
In the Hydra suite, Piers isn't in the mood to celebrate the team's victory with Omarosa. She winks at him evilly, like she's won any kind of...anything, really.
Back in the board room, Trump is looking for someone to get thrown under the bus. Trace can't do it. Stephen can't, either. Marilu says that if she were in Trump's place, she would have fired Piers or Omarosa. Trump regrets that he couldn't do that within the rules. Tito also can't name anyone who should be fired. Trump asks George what he would do, and George says he's glad it isn't his decision. So Trump rather cravenly asks if anyone wants to resign. Nobody does. Trump says this is the toughest firing he's ever had to do. So in the spirit of charity, for the first time ever, Trump is firing...nobody. The bad news is that Marilu is taking Omarosa's place on Hydra. But for tonight, an intact Empresario returns to their suite, congratulating themselves on being the most awesome losing team in Apprentice history.
Aw, poor lonely limo driver.
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