So you've probably heard the news that thanks to the success of this season, there's gong to be a second Celebrity Apprentice year. Which kind of vindicates me. Some time in December, I told my wife Trash, "You know, people might actually watch this season." And she said, "What!?" And I said, "You know, between the celebrities and the writers strike, people might actually tune back in." And she said, "Oh, I thought you were saying you were going to watch it." And I said, "Oh, God no." And now here I am. So maybe "vindicates" isn't the right word.
All of which is just my way of stalling before getting into this, because we've got two hours of this tonight, people. We're getting struck, all right -- upside the head.
In the suite, everyone is hoping that Carol Alt is the one getting fired and not Jennie Finch. Omarosa has personal reasons for that, whatever they might be. "Business is always personal," she Michael Scotts. But when Carol and Marilu Henner return to the suite without Jennie, Omarosa gets over her disappointment in a hurry, and even gives Carol a big fake hug. "Everybody has to go sometime," she interviews. "As long as it's not me, oh well." I feel the same way, except instead of "oh well," I would have said, "I will be miserable."
After the credits (which still contains the epigram that totally contradicts what Omarosa just said), we watch Vincent Pastore meeting his ex-wife to give the donation he won as the PM last week. She's thrilled to get the 50 grand in her late husband's name. I don't think she's back together with Vinnie, though.
On a rainy morning, the Apprenti meet in a closed Macy's store with Trump, the Trumplets, and a couple of nondescript client executive types. Trump says that Tito Ortiz is sitting out this task because he's at a fight, so the teams will be roughly even at 5-4. Trump nominates Carol as Empresario's PM for this week, and Hydra picks Piers Morgan as their PM. So now that that's out of the way, Trump's ready to explain the task. He tells us about the non-shoes called Crocs. You probably already know about them, and you probably already have a strong opinion about them one way or another, and I'm not about to wade into the controversy. Trump also introduces the two guys from Crocs, who explain that they're going to be recycling used, donated Crocs for people in need. All the teams need to do is create in-store receptacles for people to drop them off. And yes, I know I wasn't going to stake out a position, but you've got to be in pretty dire need to want to wear recycled Crocs.
So then, with Empresario, Omarosa explains for us again what we just heard about the campaign, called Soles United. PM Carol interviews that they have some serious morale issues to overcome after four losses. I would think that the more immediate priority would be to get over their sucking issues.
The two teams end up in what looks like one big conference room. But a folding, frosted glass divider gets pulled out to separate them. Still, they're going to need to keep their voices down. While Hydra is talking, struggling to get underway with their strategy, Trace Adkins comes out of nowhere to suggest a slogan: "Wear them. Share them." Which is brilliant in its simplicity. The team loves it, and is thrilled to be off to a great start. But then, seeing a shadowy figure on the other side of the glass, they suspect the women of spying on them. So then Piers suggests that Vinnie do the same. He even stages a loud argument with Vinnie, who then goes out into the lobby with a pastry and a newspaper, complaining noisily to the looky-loo Empresario team about "that English bastard." After a few minutes, Vinnie takes it a step further, offering to go work with the women. They ask for a minute to vote on it, and then agree to hire Vinnie. It's worth mentioning that the supposedly sneaky, conniving Omarosa suspects absolutely nothing. Before Vinnie goes in, Piers sticks his head out and sells it further by yelling at Vinnie, and whispering to him to spy and report back. "Don't worry about it," Vinnie assures him. As Vinnie goes undercover, Piers interviews about how sad it is that the women had a chance to prove they could succeed without the men, but the first chance they got, they took one of them, and Trump is going to see that as a sign of weakness. Piers's concern for the feminist cause is duly noted.
Back from ads, Nely Galan is explaining what a no-brainer it was to take Vinnie on. After some discussion, they come up with "Soles United: Share the Love." Vinnie diligently takes notes. Vinnie also suggests that Empresario needs to start using its celebrity status, like putting Carol out front at last. Nely interviews about how great Vinnie's ideas are. Omarosa comes up with the idea of designing a receptacle that looks like a giant, freestanding Croc. Hell, why not put it on wheels and have it chase people, for maximum nightmare potential? She interviews that things are going well, and even says that she's impressed with Carol's work as PM. I think we're supposed to be impressed by Omarosa's maturity here. I'll get back to you if and when that happens.
Hydra is still coming up with their concept, which doesn't go much beyond putting Lennox Lewis front and center. Again. Stephen Baldwin starts taking pictures, but Trace wants to talk about the actual design for the receptacle so he knows what to tell the manufacturer when he meets with them at noon. They end up going with a flat, rectangular bin. Well, good thing Trace kept them on task.
At the Empresario meeting, Vinnie is still floating ideas, and begins to question Piers's wisdom in sending someone as intelligent as he is to do the spying when he could be using his big brain to help Hydra. A bit later, he and Marilu Henner are headed out to go meet with the designer. Stephen is already out in the shared hallway, using the phone there. So while Marilu isn't looking, Vincent tosses Stephen the folded-up notes he wrote. But Stephen won't pick it up, because to him that counts as cheating, and "God is watching us all." Stephen's a minister now, in case you weren't aware. I take responsibility for keeping you in the dark about that. I've been putting off mentioning it until I could say it with a straight face. So because the Right Reverend Stephen Baldwin has...
Excuse me for a minute.
Sorry, just had to blow my nose. There was a great deal of soda in it after I started that last sentence. Anyway, since the Right Reverend Stephen Baldwin wants no part of accepting ill-gotten information from the other team, he has Lennox come do it instead.
Back from the ads, most of the guys are excited about the goods they got from Vinnie, but Stephen protests that it's wrong. He doesn't mind messing with the other team, but he isn't cool with taking the information. Piers calls Stephen a hypocrite. But it doesn't really matter, because they aren't changing their strategy at all. The notes lie on the table, still folded up.
And on the way to Brooklyn with Marilu, Vinnie changes his mind, and decides to be on Empresario for real. He comes clean to Marilu in the cab. "He thinks he's still on The Sopranos, she says. Which is funny, because Marilu insisted on driving the cab. Not really.
For Hydra, it's Lennox and Trace going to see the designers. Ivanka drops in on the Hydra war room and wonders where the other guys are. Piers is honest with Ivanka about what Vinnie is up to, and she's sort of on board, although she's disappointed in Omarosa for not seeing through it. After she leaves, Piers gloats to Stephen that Ivanka is backing them up on this. He understands that Stephen might not want to go back to his ministry after being part of corporate sabotage, but he doesn't have that problem. Piers also does not have Biodome on his resume, so it's not really a fair comparison.
Hydra meets with the designer, and Empresario meets with theirs. Don, Jr. comes in and is surprised to see Vinnie there. Vinnie explains about having flipped. Don, Jr. interviews (directly addressing the camera, which is a little creepy, on top of the preexisting baseline creepiness that is Don, Jr.) that he thinks this is going to work. And then he and Vinnie step off to one side, as Vinnie claims that he is really wanting to help the women win and see Piers fired. Don, Jr. thinks it's a risky strategy, but he'll wait to see how it plays out.
Back at Hydra, Trace is regretting the underhandedness of the whole spying thing, and speculates that karma might be about to bite Piers in the ass. Oh, Trace. Trump fired karma in the first season.
Trace calls Stephen back at the war room, and since their donation box is pretty much done, they can come back now. Piers interviews about how well he and Stephen work together, "despite detesting the sight of each other for most of the day." They even talk about stating a company together. And then Stephen screws it up by trying to convert Piers. Piers touchily says that he's already a believer, thank you very much; he was raised Roman Catholic, and points out that unlike Stephen, he's always been a good boy who didn't have to be born again to elevate himself from a life of depravity. He also adds that they both prayed to win The Apprentice, but only one of their prayers will be answered. Even that might be a little optimistic.
Over at Empresario, Carol is starring in the photo shoot for their campaign, right there in the hallway. Stephen and Piers come and watch for a while, trying to distract her like she's a midlevel contender on America's Top Model and not one of America's actual, literal, top models. After Carol's done, they come and knock on Empresario's door and mockingly reveal everything they know about the women's strategy. Nely and Carol quickly figure out the Vinnie has been ratting on them. Piers enjoys teasing, "Share the love," and later interviews, "Why would you trust a guy who came out of The Sopranos ever? Maybe because IT'S A TV SHOW. He goes back into the Hydra war room cackling, "Vinnie needs to get out of Brooklyn."
Shots of Manhattan, with close-ups of pedestrians walking around in Crocs. One assumes they're tourists. Nely and Carol call Marilu and tell her what's going on. Vinnie insists to Marilu he's really truly on their side now, but when Marilu relays that to Carol, he yells at her to just keep playing the game, whatever that means. Marilu just wants to get back to work. They're overseeing the construction of a giant Croc, after all, with all the irritating curves and fiddly bits that entails, not to mention battling their consciences in creating this giant monolith of bad taste.
When Omarosa returns to the Empresario war room from wherever she's been this whole time and gets brought up to speed, she wants Vinnie's blood. She gets Vinnie on the speakerphone, and he admits that he did pass Hydra the goods. He also and says that Marilu already knew that. Marilu grabs the phone and insists that she didn't know the extent of the "signals" Vinnie sent. Omarosa fires Vinnie over the phone. Afterwards, Vinnie states his case to an unsympathetic Marilu before heading out. So now he can't go back to the men, either, and he complains that Piers thought it was funny to rat him out when he was undercover. "Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?" Wrong source material. As he rides back in an unmarked van, he hopes that this will all end with Trump firing Piers.
Back from ads, Vinnie says he wants Piers to go back to England on the Titanic. That is going to be a long, cold voyage. When Vinnie returns to the Hydra war room, Piers greets Vinnie and welcomes him home with over-the-top fake warmth. Vinnie yells at Piers for betraying him, and for putting him in a position that would have gotten him killed in the real world. Piers scoffs, "We're not dealing with the mafia. We're dealing with a bunch of female celebrities." "You don't know Marilu!" Vinnie protests hilariously. Poor Piers actually has to tell a producer that he didn't think Vincent Pastore was going to be murdered by Marilu Henner. That wouldn't even make TMZ. The men knock off for the day at 6:00 and stop to say goodnight to the women. "We'll be dining out if you want to share the love," Piers mocks.
Empresario's giant green Croc gets delivered, and it looks great, for what it is. Since what it is is a six-foot-tall replica of an ugly shoe balanced on its toe, its intrinsic value is in question. Like, I could see what Stanley Kubrick was trying to do with Eyes Wide Shut, but still I question whether it was worth doing. Same thing here. Anyway, they dress it up nice with decals and fill it up with prop "donated" shoes.
The morning, Hydra starts setting up the space for their presentation, and their bin looks nice too, if minimalist: a plain rectangular bin with a circular Crocs logo for a deposit door. As they dress it up with their graphics, Vinnie is standing off to one side, not helping and criticizing Piers for sending him over to spy. And when Piers complains about Vinnie's hypocrisy, Vinnie claims credit for Empresario's whole concept, which makes Piers confident that the women are going to lose. They end up in a shouting match, with Vinnie on his high horse about being put in that position and Piers calling Vinnie "a ridiculous individual" and "hypocrite of the year." Vinnie ends up getting kicked out. Again. Vinnie interviews that he's been wanting Piers off the whole time. So...this was part of his plan, then? Piers sends Vinnie off with a mean comment about his belly, and interviews that if Vinnie was really Empresario's creative force as he claimed, it'll be amazing if Hydra doesn't win.
A theme-appropriate shot of a street rat brings us back from the ads. Vinnie runs into Trump in the hallway, and wants to tell his story. "Do it in the board room," is Trump's advice. Because we've got a two-hour episode going here.
Trump and the guys from Crocs go to Empresario's presentation first. Carol does a little spiel, asking them to give up their Crocs. They unveil the giant Croc, and hand out brochures and t-shirts (and Crocs, for some reason). Marilu demonstrates the lever action on the giant Croc that allows people to put their shoes in a little Plexiglas box and then drop them into the bin, like on a mailbox, in a needlessly complicated way. At the end of the presentation, Trump asks Omarosa why she stepped aside to let Carol be the spokesperson. Omarosa talks about the advantage of having a supermodel as their point person. "She's a ten, I'm a nine-and-a-half," Omarosa "jokes" "modestly." Also, Carol is the PM, I feel I should point out. "So far, you're in the lead," one of the Crocs guys says, which isn't going that far out on the limb. After they leave, the women congratulate themselves with a big group hug.
Over to the Hydra presentation. Piers talks about the three things they're offering: Lennox Lewis, a great bin, and a great slogan: "Soles United: Wear them. Share them. He talks about how the bins will create great word of mouth, and the biggest problem the company will have is coming up with enough supply to meet the demand the campaign will create, boldly predicting that this will increase their demand tenfold. Because what's holding Crocs back now is the lack of boxes in public places where you can get rid of the things.
Afterwards, Trump sits with the Crocs guys for the post-mortem. They discuss the pros and cons of each campaign. Empresario's was better choreographed and more complete, but then their receptacle looks like it'll be a lot harder and more expensive to make. Hydra, on the other hand, had a good slogan, and Lennox Lewis, who we're never supposed to get tired of. So who gets the win? We'll have to wait for the upcoming half-hour boardroom sequence to find out.
But in the meantime, the local news guy promises to tell me more about the shark attack at the mall, like I already know about it. My reaction: Shark attack? At the mall?!? Living in Minnesota is not entirely without its surreal moments, as you probably already realize from seeing Fargo.
Boardroom. The two teams enter first and sit down across from Ivanka and Don, Jr. Vinnie enters after them, but there's no seat for him, so he has to stand behind Hydra's chairs. When Trump enters and invites Vinnie to speak, Vinnie says it looks like his execution. Vinnie has apparently not been to all that many executions. Trump asks what happened, and Piers explains that Vinnie was behaving erratically that morning. "We had a frank exchange of views, and I asked him to leave," Piers says. Trump tells Vinnie to give his side, and Vinnie explains about being sent to spy on the women, and then confessing to Marilu and becoming a double agent. "This is both interesting and complex," Trump says. He's half right. Vinnie is pissed about being used. "And you ratted on a rat," he accuses Piers. Piers says all this only means that nobody will ever trust Vinnie again. Trump asks Stephen what he thinks. Stephen says it started as a joke, but then Vinnie joined the women. There's a lengthy tangent here about why the women accepted Vinnie on their team in the first place, and Carol claims that they took Vinnie in after seeing his distress. Vinnie has to confess that it was still only an act at that point. Ivanka and Piers both give Empresario a hard time about taking Vinnie in, and potentially letting that take away from an eventual victory. Piers in particular criticizes the women for taking a man at the first opportunity, and adds that it gave him the added benefit of getting Vinnie out of his hair. "He offers us nothing as a team member," he explains. Vinnie's like, I'm standing right here. Trump gives Omarosa a free swing at Piers, and she takes it, saying that Piers must have been desperate to take such measures. Piers carefully explains the difference between espionage and sabotage, and says he was doing the latter. He claims that Empresario's information would be useless, and all he was doing was messing with them. Trump steps in to say something vaguely disparaging about the English, while also calling himself "part of the clan" and complimenting Piers for having "a lot of English stuff." Piers claims that there were women listening outside the door at the beginning of the task, which they deny. So there's another tangent, in which Vinnie yells at Piers for calling him a fat Italian. "I called him a very fat Italian," Piers corrects. But the more he and Vinnie shout over each other, the more they both look like idiots. Well, Vinnie more than Piers, since Piers is taking the fairly defensible position that Vinnie is not Don Corleone, and Vinnie is insisting that Piers doesn't know that. I have to give that point to Piers.
The women continue to insist that they weren't spying, and Trump believes them. Vinnie and Piers yell at each other some more, and Ivanka cuts in to say that sabotage only works if it's well thought out, which this clearly wasn't. Piers says that they don't need Vinnie anyway. "We'll be better off without this histrionic drama queen threatening to kill me every five minutes," Piers insists. Trace is asked what he thinks, and he voices his disapproval of the whole business, admitting that he didn't protest either. As for Stephen, he talks about Piers's aggressive methods. Nely complains to Stephen about going along with the mocking yesterday, and he gets put on the spot about whether Christians spy. "This Christian doesn't spy," Stephen claims, speaking only for himself. And then Don, Jr. asks him, if they lose and either Piers or Vinnie has to go, who does Stephen think it should be? All this, and we're at another commercial, and we still haven't found out which team won.
Back from ads, Stephen gives his support to Vinnie. So does Trace. But Lennox wants to keep Piers, since he's winning, after all. Vinnie is still pissed about Piers hanging him out to dry with the women. He accuses Piers of having set him up. Piers claims that he was doing exactly that all along. Stephen suggests sending Vinnie over to Empresario, but Trump shoots that down, and the women don't think it's a good idea either. Trump asks Vinnie why he changed sides, and Vinnie says he wanted the women to win because they needed a victory, and that Piers was kicking them when they were down. He also has trouble picking a course and sticking to it, but he leaves that part out.
So now it's time to find out who won. I would say it was time for that an hour ago, but nobody asked what I thought. Trump says the Crocs guys liked Hydra's presentation, although they need to lay off of Lennox already, before he gets as overexposed as Trump himself. But the Crocs guys loved Empresario's display, and picked the women as the winner. They're thrilled at this, their first victory, and now Crocs is going to give 10,000 of their hideous recycled shoes to impoverished countries in Carol's name. How nice. Where I come from, that's called "dumping." Fortunately, they're also donating $20,000 to her brother's charity: "The Tony Alt Memorial Fund," Carol barely chokes out through tears. "It helps children." Well, that's a great charity! Who doesn't want to help children?
Vinnie tries to claim some of the credit for Empresario. But when nobody agrees with him, Vinnie says he's had a good run and made some money for his charity, but this isn't a "healthy environment" for him and he offers to resign. Trump thinks about it, but sends Empresario off to celebrate their victory first. "You don't have to quit," Omarosa says softly to Vinnie on her way out, probably unaware that her mic is still live. And Empresario heads back to enjoy their champagne and the live feed of the rest of tonight's board room.
Back in the board room, Vinnie is explaining that he doesn't like the environment, with all the fighting. "You wake up in the morning and fight with people?" he asks Trump. Trump is like, yup. "My whole life is a fight," he boasts, being extra annoying by comparing himself to Lennox. The Trumplets say that Vinnie didn't need to quit, and Trump asks if Vinnie would stay if he fired Piers. Who, by the way, has been just sitting there all Britishly stiff upper lip this whole time. Only really sweaty. Vinnie says he would stay if Piers were fired. Back in the suite, Omarosa and Nely root for the firing of Piers. I root for the end of this death march already, but all I get are more ads.
Back from the break, Ivanka is still wondering why Vinnie wouldn't fight, so he reconsiders. But Trump says he can't have a do-over on this. Trump asks Stephen what to do. After a great deal of ass-kissing, Stephen says he'd fire Piers. He asks Trump if he's ever stopped at nothing to succeed, even if it meant hurting someone. Trump has no comment. In other words, "Always." Piers steps up and calls Stephen a hypocrite, claiming that he advised Piers to look at Vinnie's information. Stephen denies it. And, in Stephen's defense, we haven't seen any footage of the moment Piers just described. God knows there's been room for it. Piers also claims that Stephen wants Piers to get fired so Stephen can win. "A winner fights to the end," Trump says, which Vinnie realizes is about him, and admits that Piers has more determination than he does. So what does Lennox think about quitting? Trump sucks up to Lennox for a while, again, some more, and Vinnie gets tired of this and reiterates his resignation. Trump accepts it this time. So technically, we all sat here for two hours without anybody getting fired. Super.
On Vinnie's way out to the familiar strains of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," he shares a hug with Piers, who tells him, "Business, not personal." Vinnie rides the elevator down and exits onto the sidewalk. We see a random guy walking along with a newspaper. Vinnie walks to the limo. There's another random guy standing there with a paper, kind of suspicious-looking. Vinnie steps over to the limo's open door. Stands to it. Looks up at the building. And the screen goes abruptly black on "Don't stop..."