Oh man, you guys, that was so awesome! My two favorite players, Jenn and Derek, totally got the boot, but in the awesomest way imaginable. The task: create a "consumer experience" for Lexus VIPs, the best kind of task -- customer surveys, the whole nine. Kinetic creates some weird psychic concept, but Angela and the rest of the team are unable to come up with any ideas. Bored, Derek tosses out the most bullshitty ideas he can think of, like having a psychic mime or go-karts, and they totally go for it! It's INSANE! Like a crappy circus! Arrow relegates Surya to playing with his whiteboard while they create a totally awesome "classy" event, and secretly hate Tim and Nicole -- who's lovable in this episode -- for being gross. PM Surya wanders around pointlessly while everybody rocks; Kinetic PM Jenn gives a crappy speech and then makes the VIPs drive around in go-karts. Go-karts! For Lexus! It's fabulous!
Back in the boardroom, Trump reveals his total hatred for Randal, which is funny, and Randal interrupts him like eleven times, to the point where it's almost like he's getting the cobra this week, even though he is not involved. AND OMG DONALD TRUMP SAYS "SHIZZLE"! Then the reward! The reward, people! It's hanging out with SNOOP DOGG and writing a song! James and Frankie Suits rap! Stefani dances like a white chick! Nicole is all over the huge black guys in the studio! And Kinetic's back in the yard like, "How sad that we didn't get to hang out with Snoop Dogg, because he is soooo relevant." So then in the boardroom, Derek says something about how yes, the go-karts were stupid, and he knew that, but couldn't believe Jenn actually made them happen, and then calls himself white trash that likes go-karts...SO TRUMP FIRES HIM! Just for saying "white trash," which is the same amount of scary for Trump as "black dick," for the same reasons! Because Trump is gross and dumb! So Derek totally laughs in his face and wanders out of the stupid game show whistling a tune, then Jenn also laughs in Trump's face about how he's about to fire her from his stupid sandbox, and everybody on the team makes fun of him and they take off without even saying goodbye to stupid old Trump, and then have a hugging party outside and laugh about they're on a stupid lame game show that is pointless! The ghost of Michelle smiles down at them from space or a cloud and is like, "I know, right?" And then Jenn laughs herself silly in the limo ride out of there! This show is a joke, but it's a joke they get, which has turned this season 180! I love Jenn and Derek and Kinetic! From Type A to snotty back-row smokers in a week! Best episode of the season! We are BACK!
Previously, Aimee got fired, and Trump was still thinking that Surya was a good team leader. Aimee left with snakes crawling out of her hair; back at camp Derek was very excited and interviewed that Kinetic was finally getting rid of some of the "riff-raff." Heidi's first question: did she give you the Eyes of Death? Jenn and Derek crack up, of course, because that's exactly what she did. He's then unbearably sexy performing his impression of the Eyes of Death Event for us, and compares her to The Omen. It was pretty awesome.
Later the beers come out, and Heidi, or as Jenn describes it, "the team," asks who wants to be PM. Jenn steps up, which is good, because I like her and I would like to see her do something. "If I was ever going to earn the respect of my team, that I needed to do it now." She's totally drunk telling them how proud she is to lead them; Derek explains to us that Jennifer is also riff-raff, and that he is going to be gunning for her no matter what. It's pretty intense, and I'm self-aware enough to know that if probably anybody else went all reality-bravado like this, especially in the opening credits, I would be talking about how they were a douche, but since it's Derek, I'm like, "Later, Jenn." I don't think she's riff-raff, I just think -- like the majority of her team, and actually, the whole cast -- she's better than this show.
Arrow discusses how lame it is that Surya both sucks and will be their PM forever. He disapproves of their drinking and, per Frank, thinks they're "weird." James and Tim agree that a coup is coming, one of these days, which would be like the best thing ever. After Michelle and now this episode, I'm thinking the season might be fun to watch after this point, because the crazy awesome shoe has taken this long to fall.
Rodeo Drive. Randal and Trump show up with some lady, and they talk about how Rodeo Drive is the most amazing thing in the universe, and how it's totally not fucked up to use the words "beautiful" and "shopping center" in the same adverbial phrase. It has both the finest stores and something Trump calls the "finest luxury." And speaking of luxury, that's Trump's "word of the day." My notes say: "So this should be classy." The two executive ladies with Trump, Deborah the VP Marketing and Anne who's in charge of Something Strategy, are visiting us today from beautiful Lexus, and would like to entaskenate the teams with designing a "special preferred owner experience." I was like, "This is going to be awesome," because that's one of my favorite type of tasks on this show, and is also one of the more recognizable and cool tasks we've had this season. The budget's $50K, and will be rated on "customer satisfaction," which I also love, because that means comment cards and Randal saying things like, "Product knowledge was minimal." This is not the only time I miss Carolyn, during the comment cards, but it's a biggie. I always loved how the insulted customers and their dissatisfaction would like invade her body and you could see her tensing up with how dissatisfied the comment cards were, right there in her hand like something living. "Go ahead and enjoy yourself, it's a great car," Trump says, and goes off to do whatever it is that he does.
Kinetic discusses how the new sedan they're marketing -- which is kind of magical, in that it can parallel park by itself and uses infrared to figure out how hot the people in the car are, rather than how hot it is inside the car, which is a very different or at least slightly different thing -- has a sort of "sixth sense," so what if The Sixth Sense Of Luxury were their theme. And just like that, they've lost. The Sixth Sense Of Luxury? WTF does that even mean? I've only got the five and they're all saying that this is a bad, bad idea. Of course, there's an immediate "roadblock," per the stumbling and stuttering Angela, since they can't think of anything cool that ties into their idiotic theme. Jenn says she wants it to be different and interesting, and they all stare at each other for three hours, literal. Derek and Kristine start yelling out bullshitty ideas that would never fly: stage magicians, go-karts. Or I guess should say "would never fly except how everybody's stupid this week," because fly they do, like monkeys into the night. Kristine mentions that it's not really luxurious to ride around in go-karts, and Jenn says something weird about how it's remiss not to have go-karts because she strongly likes go-karts. And I don't know how Frankendoodled this part is, because the editing's actually trying to tell a story this week, about riff-raff and such. There is discussion about how since they sat around forever not doing anything, now they have no options, and at least go-karts are kind of like cars, just like Lexi, in that they go from here to there on wheels and sometimes even have motors.
Heidi and Muna go to the dealership and go all 2001 on every detail of the car, because they're in charge of product knowledge: they sniff it, and they scratch, and pat it all over, and ask about the paneling inside (Guy: "They're wood?"), and drive around in it, and learn about the mirrors and the steering wheel and the rims and the tires and the trunk and the hood and the door locks and the shocks and the sparkplugs and the way it feels on a slow Sunday morning and what kind of tea it likes to drink and does it take cream or sugar in its tea like a British person, and the guy almost dies with all the product knowledge they are demanding, and it goes on forever, forever. Which is, of course, exactly how it should go, because I've seen enough of this stupid show to know that product knowledge is the name of the game, because old people ask so many motherfucking questions all the time. I never thought this show would teach me anything, but there you go: when you're selling something, you should know a lot about it, because people have no shame about asking the dumbest-ass questions you can imagine. This is when I started loving Andrea again, when she did the whole dazzling car information bullshit spectacle and convinced everybody that she knew things. I think that was how it went down; that's how I remember it, and anyway, that was when this was an actual TV show, and that seems terribly, terribly long ago. Mostly due to Frankie Suits.
Arrow, listen to this, is discussing their concept of words like "elite" and "exclusive" and "luxurious," and all I can think about is J-Lo's pink diamond, like, that's how Arrow would define these terms. Surya stands at a long, long whiteboard, writing and writing and writing, words, words, words, doing nothing as usual but spending violent amounts of energy on this nothing that he's doing. James is like, "What are we doing, for real though?" He interviews that there's now a five by twenty whiteboard "full of crap," and Surya interviews in turn that he was illustrating how everybody could see their tasks and how it all fits together. In a way that only makes sense, and more importantly only matters, to Surya. Frank compares him to John Forbes Nash from A Beautiful Mind, a movie I'm conservatively estimating Frank understood about 67%, and this is not a challenging movie or anything, but it's Frank: you have to be kind. Stefani deliciously tells everybody to let Surya play with his markers and not talk to him, and in this way they will be victorious. And you know what, she's right. Love that girl. Stefani and Frank get on the phone and start the event planning, and...I don't know how to say this, but Frank looks really great for a second. He's wearing a pink shirt, though, so maybe it's just some kind of subconscious wish that Aaron will come back. I say this only in dedication to full disclosure so no, I don't want to talk about it further, thank you. It went away fast, of course. James designs the test-drive part, looks like, and meanwhile apparently Tim and Nicole are not doing anything at all. Which I don't really believe, but somebody explained to me that this is the editing again: we're getting hyped on the double-firing the last like three weeks, and now it looks like Tim and Nicole aren't doing anything. I dog Nicole a whole lot, but I seriously doubt it's like we're seeing. Although Nicole does irritatingly whine, "Tiiiiiiim, don't be a nerrrrrrrrrrrd!" in that voice of hers, so who knows? Let the lovey-dovey couple play their psych-out mind games in front of the camera and get to work, Arrow!
Derek and Angela deal with the cute graphics guy, because there's always a cute graphics guy, and fuck around this time for five hours, and everything Angela thinks of, she checks with Derek for no reason, and he is like reclined in his chair with his tie off and his shoes off and slippers and a pipe and a copy of Mandate, is how not feeling this task he is, but she doesn't get it. So her dumb ideas that don't exist fail to gain traction, and Derek's like, "Make them any size you want, the banners. Stick 'em on a horse and buggy, pretend that they're psychic and you have to have a Sixth Sense to read the signage, do whatever the hell. Hand me a marker and I'll make some fucking signs, just leave me alone." He interviews that marketing is "on her" and that technically he "reports to her," and there's much talking, and they hit the deadline, and pass it by, so now the signage, which I'm sure is going to be piss poor, is not showing up or something, and Derek earns his firing, via edit, by telling us that Angela fucked up but he's going to pay the price for it, because his shit was done at 8, and now it's the year 2525 and Lexus has been bought out by McDonald's and our robot masters force us to do their parallel parking for them.
QUICK QUIZ!
1) Who besides you and Angela are there?
2) So justifying and saying that your ass is covered, in an interview that only you and we will ever see is ...
3) Going up against Angela, even in your mind, is...
4) So is this a risk? Burnout? Killer fatigue? A scary trip into gameshow world?
5) In summation: if the thing you were tasked to do isn't done, "My stuff was done at 8" is worth precisely...
6) And by "white trash" I mean of course ...
1) Nobody except the cute graphics guy, and he matters less than not at all.
2) Incredibly silly and is going to bite you in the ass.
3) Dumb, dumb, dumb, especially if what I've heard is true, and Trump is straight up telling them in the boardroom that he refuses to fire her.
4) Not really a risk, but the rest are true. If you don't lose the task, you and the riff-raff won't get fired.
5) $7.50. Or as you would say, three bags of Cheetos, you piece of white trash.
6) That I love you madly!
Wacky music plays as James and his wildly hot bod irons his clothes, and Nikki and Tim are still trying to figure out how kissing works, and Stefani and Frank abandon James to deal with them, and Surya runs around like a fool screaming and explaining and flouncing and flow-charting and strategizing about his pants. His literal goddamn pants: "These pants are beige but they're kind of gold, and I think they're very Lexus pants. Don't you think these pants are screaming, 'Lexus!'?" Nikki and Tim continue to canoodle, and meanwhile the pants are actually screaming, "OH MY GOD JUST GET ME OFF THIS DOUCHETARD." Then Stefani interviews a tiny bit of hubris about how the rest of the team, honestly, not being rude, but to be completely honest and without judgment, would have gotten in her way. In the van she and Frankie talk about how Surya is going to sell them down the river if they lose, and say that he had nothing to do with the task. And that he'd be right, no matter what happens.
Kinetic, where the crappy signs show up, and Kristine again explains their crappy Sixth Sense stupidity, how the car is smarter than the driver and the sixth sense is "taking over" and whatever. I can't even think of anybody that I would compare this theme to, from past seasons. There had to be more to it than this, because they open up their lovely Kinetic mouths and the most bizarre, startling things come flying out about this theme. Derek and Angela worry about the signs, and Derek explains to God and everybody, and us, a hundred times about how he's "irritated" by how Angela failed to compensate for his taking a nap on this task, but reiterating again and again that he was taking instructions from her, like he's not a gigantic grown man all on his own. I mean, she could take him in a fight for sure, but I hope it doesn't come to that. Don't touch the face, Angela! Jenn listens to Derek talk about how Angela is riff-raff and does not know her secret riff-raff destiny, so she's like, "I know!" Like the fact that Tent City is taking five times the toll on Kinetic in one-tenth the time isn't at the root of all this, from Aimee's spaciness to the entire team's inability to have a fucking conversation. I kind of love how Arrow is just naturally adapted to living in the wild, like how when our robot masters come only the cockroaches and Frankie Suits will be alive, and they will forage and live by their wits. And wear cute little suits.
I know I'm mentioning our robot masters a lot lately, but for a while I found myself talking about werewolves all the time, and I'm so over werewolves right now. Surya introduces his cockroach team to the VIPs, and interviews that even though he's the PM, Frank and Stefani are in charge of every single little thing. Like he openly says that, like an open-faced sandwich of begging for a smack. All the hors d'oeuvres and things are very Arrow-classy, but luckily they are also Lexus-classy, so it works out. Surya dimly notes -- on a few index cards which he keeps in a binder clip in his pocket like he read on GTD, to keep track of the thoughts and ideas that he never, ever, ever has -- that the people like the food. He sorta congratulates himself on the food that he had nothing to do with. I don't think Surya's really this bad, because I've seen TV before, but I hate him anyway, for making Frank cuddly and funny instead of my mortal enemy. I can't even get it together to be mean about Nicole this week, is how much my hands want to throttle Surya through time and space. The car battery -- after, of course, a bunch of old people and their fucking questions touch everything and make everything go and push all the buttons and switches -- finally goes out. Tim is shitting it, Surya writes something down in his Blackberry about creating a strategy for looking up how batteries work on Wikipedia. The car, meanwhile, is not having any of this, hilariously. Surya calls the fact of life as it stands right now "rather unfortunate," which is less obnoxious than "absurd" but only slightly, and without irony talks about the old people and how they would not quit with the massager. It's all kind of embarrassing, but I wish something more would happen, like Frankie could slip on a banana peel, and in the confusion accidentally pants Surya, and he would fall into a wedding cake that was delivered by mistake, and then I don't know what. The bees would come. No: Cameron Diaz. Wouldn't that be so awful?
Kinetic: Jenn tells us how she's an "events person," which explains why I liked her so much on sight, and how this was ten billion times harder than the PR that she does in her natural habitat. I guess due to it being a stupid gameshow intended to humiliate her, and whatnot. She's really charming but not very informative or polished as she makes up her entire presentation out of nothing but the moisture in the air and the memory of a Chateau LaFitte she had three years ago, like out of no ingredients at all, and she can't even synch up with the screens, because the whole thing is taking place in a circus tent, did I mention, because what says "Sixth Sense" better than a circus tent, but the sun is coming through and glaring off the TVs, so she just tells them to look at the screen and like...fuckin'...use their Sixth Sense to imagine that she's making any damn sense at all. This is the best episode. She stumbles and stammers and squints, and all the old people start thinking they're having strokes, and she says all the things she can remember about the car, which is like two things, and then all the things she can remember about cars period, which is another like twelve things, and then a big hole opens up underneath her and she drops down a cleverly disguised chute that's there just in case she biffs this one. Because somebody used their Sixth Sense to look into the future of Kinetic and to see lots of Tents in that future. Kristine stresses, and all the old people can think about is how there's something wrong with that pretty Jenn girl. The whole team is like, "Whoa." Angela interviews that A) this is what Jenn does for a living, except for apparently this three-hour period, and B) the only thing that can save them now are the go-karts. GO-KARTS! I mean, this is the best episode of the season by one point nine million miles.
Cut to the sad little go-kart track, which is like smaller than your living room, and Randal standing out there like a Scandinavian fisherman, waiting for death to come, staring at the horrible little go-karts going around and around, and the sad go-kart music, and it's just the best thing that's ever happened on this show, beanpole cadaverous Randal standing like the sad king of a dying go-kart kingdom, watching it fall to the enemy all around him. Jenn's interviewed defense: "We entertained...about half the people...a lot." Yeah, the ones that were high and wandered in from the medical testing facility door, they loved it. Jenn laughs with a pretty customer about how lame and random the go-karts are, and how they're not designed to be driven in a skirt and heels, and yet here we all are, doing what we should not. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE! No, because this is when the magician shows up. MAGICIAN. No lie. Derek goes, "So this guy who looks like Yanni on crack shows up, and I'm thinking, 'That's gotta be the illusionist. You know he's going to do some freaky crap because he looks like freaky.'" I have nothing to add to that. It is exactly what he is describing, although I personally would say that the guy is not only yucky in the way that magicians are yucky, but adds a personal yuckiness to it. He looks like, I don't even know, he looks like a bi-curious polyamorist, with the hair and the whole thing. He looks like John Oates crossed with Kenny G, and he's doing magic. In public!
Arrow: Frankie Suits, talking into the mic, not fucking it up finally, and James finishing up the test drive track, and the old people driving scarily, and the car parking itself. All the old people hold their hands up in the air when the car parks itself. Every single damned one of them. How old and rich do you have to be before that's your version of a rollercoaster? Miss Daisies raising the roof. Needless to say, I would do exactly the same. For the first time I actually want the thing that this stupid show wants me to want. Stefani wraps it up, and they clap, and she -- again, worrisome -- lets us know that she is into taking credit for her and Frank only, and that if Surya comes after her, she will "crush him." C.f. the whole thing about how Derek gets a pass from me, above. Stefani! Crush him! I'm twice the hypocrite when it's Stefani, who I love, versus Surya, who I despise. Speaking of, Nicole is of course jaw-dropped in awe of the thing: "That's just SICK! That a car! Could PARK ITSELF! Are you kidding me?" But again: valid. I for once am on Nicole's side: this is objectively amazing. If you threw the Lexus LS666 or whatever, if you threw this sedan into a lake, it would float. That's all I'm saying. The Lexus Self-Parking Sedan is a witch.
Over to the Trump Mansion, where Randal is as boring and inconsequential as ever, and now sporting the extra-scared wall-eyed Boyfriend Bill look as well. What does Trump do to them? We may never know. Do you really want to, though? Trump is like frat guy to the power of Army guy, you know? Not feeling that, at all. Jenn tells him straight up that Kinetic did an outstanding job, and since the task was crazy and intense (it was, for the first time so far), she was amazed how everybody pulled together. On their theme that made no sense, and presentation that was a dog's breakfast, they did essentially a great job. At least they got a lot of useless Lexus information loaded into Heidi's hard drive. (Did you I tell you Karen's theory that Heidi is one of the Final Five Cylons? How great is that?) Surya strategizes an answer to the question of how Arrow did, but never quite gets there. Everybody "dug really deep" and they had "game faces" on, and it was "game time," and the game game was abuzz with ludiferous gamerosity. Trump calls Nic and Tim a beautiful couple, which means he's still going nuts, which means this is going to be awesome.
Arrow comment cards: The staff was v. polite, they went out of their way to help, were very well organized, and delivered exactly what one would expect from Lexus. Those are some great comments! I love that. "You weren't a shitty knock-off of the Lexus ass-kissing that I have come to expect." Overall rating: 94%. That's a trounce. I don't care what Kinetic got, nobody gets that high. That's awesome. For them, I mean. I'm certainly not fucking rooting for them. Besides Tim, and Stefani, and James, and Frankie Suits, and I guess Nicole, I fucking HATE Arrow. Frank claps like a seal, or like a slow kid getting to see a seal for the first time, at the zoo, and Trump tells him that he hasn't won yet. "But we're proud," Frank explains exuberantly, and of course Trump has no answer for that, because he was just being a dick for no reason when he said that anyway. And Kinetic? Oh, girls: the "Sixth Sense message" didn't fit the day, today or any other day. There was a lack of activities and no opportunity to learn anything, because they forgot Heidi's USB attachment, and that it didn't "feel like Lexus." Which I always thought meant something "felt like Arrow"? I'm so confused right now. Overall: 84%. Which means that two Kinetics are going home. I hope it's fucking fabulous! And weirdly, it's going to be!
I swear to you this is what happens . "Arrow, after creating a great promotional campaign for Lexus, you'll be spending some time with Snoop Dogg." Those words come out of Donald Trump's mouth. Kristine and Heidi are sad; I almost passed out with the fucked-up awesome weirdness of this episode right then. Derek needs a hug, also. Trump...explains how our popular perception of Snoop is that he is not "a great guy," and that he's "wild," and not "smart" or "tough" or a "businessman," and I don't think he means our perception of Snoop as a person, because I've always thought all those things were true, but this is Donald Trump, he's still getting used to the idea of black people. Think I'm lying? "In addition to being a great musician. For shizzle." FOR SHIZZLE, says DONALD TRUMP. I was like, "Did I have a stroke and the last thing I will see while I'm smelling toast is my most fantasy episode of The Apprentice? What a total fucking gyp, insofar as in addition to having a stroke, my last thing is watching an episode of mental Apprentice. On the other hand, that means I'm making out with Derek in a few minutes, and I've always liked the smell of toast." But alas, it was all an illusion: Surya's still PM, and will be a-Viceroying, and that would never happen in my dream.
Kinetic has their usual pretend sadness about the reward, and Muna talks about how Jenn is not detail-oriented. And I don't have a problem with Muna and I don't feel likely to, but I think maybe the deal with Muna is that she thinks "detail-oriented" is like, an example of a personality. Because that's all I know about Muna: details and hilarious bitching under her breath at all times. Derek and Kristine agree about how Jenn doesn't know about details, like letting workhorse Angela suddenly hang for creative, there's a detail, or like Kristine and whatever the fuck she was doing this week, or any week. What does she do? Wears those glasses, snarks around with Derek about how stupid the PM is. What a fabulous life. I'd live in tents for that, for a couple weeks maybe. Muna brings up the go-karts and how doomful they were, and Derek is like, "Jenn's going to have to defend the go-karts." He lets us in on his subtle plan to get the whole team to blame Jenn, and I wonder: since that's Kinetic every single boardroom, does that also mean that Derek's the one planning this every single week? Because that's hot.
At the studio of Snoop, Surya pulls a TOTAL FUCKING SEAN and talks about how this reward is meaningless to everyone on Earth and is basically a love letter to him from fate, because he's the hugest fan of Snoop Dogg all the time, and this is like a personal song and dance drama fantasy for him, because of how much he loves Snoop Dogg. And I guarantee you that if this were Shania Twain, or Eminem, or Garbage, or Sixpence None The Richer, he would be saying the same goddamn thing, and that's why I hate Surya. And the more I talk about it, the more I think he's going to win this bitch. Gross. I'm so sure you love Snoop, Surya. Frank does a goofy stupid dance with a cigar and a glass of classy champagne, and Snoop forces James to freestyle (and while pretending to do so, James bites off Will Smith, of all people, which makes him almost as hilarious as Surya), and Nicole gloms onto the biggest bodyguard guy she can find, and nobody likes James's rapping, and Frank finally grabs the mic after some liberal champagne, and Snoop dances around as he raps, and I don't know. You guys know how hard these music tasks are for me. I don't even really remember this part very well. I must have just left the room or gone to vomit or something. Here are my notes:
This is not... This is so, so awful. I am actually glad that Arrow won this task because at least Frank's not doing anything weird, he's just being Frankie.
Imagine Heidi rapping.
Wouldn't you die? Stefani interviews like the third ringing of a bell that says she's being set up for a bitch edit week and possible firing, even though she's right, and she's always right, about how Surya, "the self-proclaimed #1 Snoop fan," leaned back against a wall and acted like he never even knew which one was Snoop, which he didn't. "Like an idiot! Why was he there?" Ouch, Stef. Dial it back for me, please. Meanwhile in the night vision of Trump Trailer Park, Jenn's drunk, again, always, bitching about "Snoop? That's cool," hilarious/snotty like that, it's awesome, and Heidi from somewhere deep inside manages to summon a nearly believable "That...sucks?" Over at the studio, Stefani's dancing like a white girl, and Nicole is amazed that there's such a thing as Snoop, and they sing a song that's stupid, and Nicole says, in her way, that everything that Arrow Corp is about was defined in that song. And that's true, and everything that Arrow Corp is about is defined in that fact, and so on. Stefani tries to have a conversation with Snoop, but he's suddenly very very high and gets sleepy, so he makes them go away, and he winks at the camera, and this episode is so...very fucked up.
SURYA SAYS: Let's do a StepSnap FiveFishBlue Strategy Thought Session!
Step ONE: Make a list. What is more fucked up than this?
- The fact that Arrow keeps winning.
- The fact that Arrow individually keeps getting less and less objectionable as we get to know them, as though you cannot judge books by their covers.
- The fact that this is happening even though everything that seemed apparent about them at first glance is still true, but it's somehow not a problem.
- The fact that Kinetic keeps losing.
- The fact that I'm like 80% sure that there are members of Kinetic we still don't know about
- TRUMP SAID FOR SHIZZLE! FOR SHIZZLE!
Step TWO: write each of those phrases on a different whiteboard, piece of 11"x17" (what's called "legal" size) paper, or 3"x5" (index) card. Brainstorm up a big old mess. Don't do anything with the mess. Write the word MESS on another card. Stick that one in your pocket. Go get some lunch. Talk about how hard you're working. Rock out to some Snoop Dogg. After lunch, write some more shit on the whiteboard that nobody will ever read. Take an hour to write everything from the whiteboard down on some note cards. Make sure that they are plain white, but unbleached, note cards. If necessary, order them from the green catalog located on the third floor near the hippies in IT. Go back to step ONE if you forget what you're doing or get bypassed in management by someone with thoughts and ideas, forcing you to freak out about what you're entitled to and how much leadership you're constantly displaying, and threaten to jump to a startup that your friend is talking up, and don't actually do anything, and then get laid off anyway for being a toolshed. Don't forget to roll over your IRA. Tear up the note cards and eat them with a delicious lemon sorbet. This is the taste of leadership.
Step THREE: Take a long motherfucking look in the mirror.
Kinetic: Jenn gets her Regina George all up in Angela's Kady Herron, and vice versa, and it's fucking fly, and they talk about how if Angela weren't a steady tortoise-wins-the-race type of person, they would not have had to resort to shitty ideas like the go-karts, and how conversely if Jenn weren't a work-shirking octopus-loving honey whore, they would not have had a presentation that was this close to turning into a slaughter. I mean, I'm paraphrasing, but whatever it is, it's fabulous. They interview these basic facts a bit more clearly to us, and whatever. Like Angela's going anywhere.
Anne explains that Kinetic was not so impressive, due to the go-karts in great measure, because go-karts do not have a luxury factor like, for example, all things on God's green Earth that are not go-karts or a prison camp. She points out, however, that Muna and Heidi put forth a tremendous effort. To create the first Lexus-woman hybrid baby, I think she means. Also, this just in: both Trump and Randal think Lexus is SOOOO GREAT, and they're not just saying that, and they will continue to love Lexus SOOOO MUCH even after this task is over, and it's gross.
Into the Boardroom! Andie's like go straight in, don't even bother me. I have my GED to study for. Kristine's looking super-stressed, so I don't see this going well, because she wasn't even there and she's still weirded out. Pink tie, again, so probably Derek's gone, for some crazy reason. Jenn tells Trump that she was shocked by their loss, since everybody did such a great job...failing. Trump immediately brings up the horrible signage, and whatever, Jenn admits suddenly that they fucked up, but he's not fooled: "But you just said you did great!" Can't get a thing past old DT. He tells her how Randal was horrified by their performance on every level, and how they didn't convey luxury, because they were in a tent, which is tacky. The irony of this fully escapes him.
Trump: They had multiple LCD screens and, what? You had four signs?
Jenn: We worked really hard, I stand by that, nobody was a colossal screwup. Except for Angela and Derek.
Derek: I only had 5 hours! To do nothing! I will take a token amount of responsibility for this, but mostly it was Angela's fault, the woman sitting beside me here, who I am indicating by pointing my finger at her, to remind you that she's here while simultaneously distracting you from my imposing presence.
Randal: Why did your performance lack luxury?
Jenn: I think perhaps it was the go-karts. Or the nudist magician. Both of whom were Derek's ideas.
Derek: In that they were jokes! In that I was obviously fucking with you!
Kristine: Well, I wasn't there, but I heard that these things lacked luxury, and that I am supposed to say that this is Jenn's fault...I mean, this is Jenn's fault.
Trump: Why did you brainstorm go-karts?
Derek: I was just thinking of things off the top of my head. Ideas.
Trump: Don't say that! Never do that! Brainstorming isn't about coming up with ideas from your head! You're disgusting!
Derek: WTF? Yes it is. That's like the dictionary definition of brainstorming. You're totally trying to find a reason to fire me, aren't you? Gross.
Kristine: I agree with Derek about the lack of luxury and it being Jenn's fault, but I wouldn't go so far as to agree with Derek about the definition of the term "brainstorm." Unless that would be okay, or you secretly agree with him.
Derek: I don't know shit about luxury! I'm white trash! I mean like on Mama's Family, not those people in To Kill A Mockingbird! Like the cute kind of white trash that I imagine is hilarious! I like deep fried appetizers!
Trump: WHAT?!?! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT DOES WHITE TRASH MEAN? DON'T SAY WHITE TRASH IN THIS ROOM! I AM NOUVEAU RICHE WITH NO SENSE OF ELEGANCE OR CLASSIC STYLE! HAVE YOU SEEN MY SURROUNDINGS? I AM THE DEFINITION OF WHITE TRASH WITH MONEY! HOW DARE YOU! THAT IS A STINKIN' STATEMENT!
Randal: That doesn't sound flattering, but like, you're a total racist, what do you care?
Trump: I HAVE LOST MY ENTIRE GODDAMN MIND AND NOBODY HAS NOTICED, BECAUSE I SURROUND MYSELF WITH FEAR INSTEAD OF LOVE! YOU SAID TWO WORDS, AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY WERE, BECAUSE I AM CRAZY NOW! DEREK! YOU ARE FIRED!
Derek: Um, okay. Your stupid show is sucky, so that's fine.
Trump: GROVEL! GROVEL, WHITE TRASH!
Derek: Um, suck it? I'm outta here.
Kinetic: Bye, Derek! We love you! You're not white trash!
Derek: I love you guys! You're not really riff-raff! I just wanted to be on The Amazing Race and ended up on this doubleplusdicksucking show instead. No hard feelings!
Trump: LISTEN UP! THE REST OF YOU, THAT WAS A BIZARRE MOMENT FOR SHIZZLE. I AM TOTALLY INSANE AND GRASPING AT REALITY, AND I AM FEELING GASSY TODAY! ARE YOU SCARED?
Kinetic: Not really. You're turning a funny color, but nobody really cares if you live or die, so mostly it's just creepy.
Trump: I DO NOT APPRECIATE THINGS SOMETIMES!
Derek interviews, as a true reality lover, you gotta know to keep it schtum in the BR, and he totally forgot, and whatever. He doesn't point out, because obviously he doesn't know, how you never ever tread on Trump's personal shit like that, especially when he's got that sneaky mean look in his eye like that: he is looking for a reason, and you not only handed it to him, but pushed some of his inner trashy buttons at the same time. Dumb.
Trump: WHITE TRASH IS A HORRIBLE EXPRESSION THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. I WOULD NEVER HIRE WHITE TRASH, BUT EVEN IF HE WAS JOKING IT'S NOT OKAY, AND IF HE'S NOT JOKING IT'S GOOD THAT HE WAS UP FRONT ABOUT BEING WHITE TRASH, WHATEVER THAT IS. I AM NOT YET APPEASED! MORTALS, ONE MORE OF YOU SHALL FALL.
Randal: [Keeps interrupting Trump throughout the rest of the boardroom, enraging him further.]
Trump: [I swear to God he nearly backhands Randal at one point; it's supremely freaky.]
Jenn: Whatever, dude. Fire me. I dare you.
Muna: Yeah, do that.
Heidi: Bzzzzt...
Trump: Heidi, are you...
Randal: -- It's interesting that you...
Trump: SWEAR TO GOD, RANDAL. GIVE ME A REASON.
Randal: Whatever, you've been keeping me in a locked room since last season making copies of TPS reports and opening Trump-owned strip clubs in Reno. I will do whatever it takes to get away from you.
Trump: WHY WAS THERE A GLARE ON THE SCREENS DURING YOUR PRESENTATION?
Jenn: Because the sun moves across the sky every day, from east to west. Fucking fire me.
Trump: ANGELA CAN YOU BENCH PRESS ME OR GIVE ME A PIGGY BACK RIDE BECAUSE I AM A SICK OLD FUCK?
Randal: More to the point, guys ...
Trump: RANDAL IF YOU EVER FUCKING SPEAK AGAIN I WILL HAVE YOUR FAMILY KILLED.
Surya: [Says nothing, because he has nothing to say, forever and for all time.]
Jenn: Look, I've got my bags packed and everything. I'm wearing comfortable shoes. Tell me to hit the road. I'll show myself out, how about that?
Trump: SURYA WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING? I TOLD YOU TO START TALKING!
Surya: That's right, sir, my Sixth Sense picked up on that even though you didn't.
Trump: RANDAL MY SIXTH SENSE CAN HEAR YOU THINKING WHILE I'M TALKING AND TRYING TO GET SURYA TO TALK. YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, LITTLE MAN. REBECCA JARVIS IS A PHONE CALL AWAY. REMEMBER THAT ALWAYS.
Randal: I wasn't thinking.
Surya: Me neither!
Trump: WHY DOES YOUR TEAM HATE YOU AND DISRESPECT YOU?
Jenn: Um, when did they say that?
Trump: IN MY MIND!
Jenn: Guys?
Kinetic: No, we love you and totally respect you, we were just instructed to throw you under the bus because you're an easy target. Don't take it personally?
Jenn: Totally not! You guys are great! I have had so much fun with you guys, respecting your opinions and individual strengths and skills!
Kinetic: That's so crazy! So did we!
Trump: I HAVEN'T BEEN HUGGED ONCE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Jenn: That's really sad. Can I go now?
Trump: EVERYBODY HATES YOU!
Jenn: Fine, yeah, they do. Whatever.
Trump: YOU'RE FIRED!
Jenn: Christ already. Bye, guys.
Kinetic: Bye, girl! Call me! Hit up my MySpace!
Jenn: Will do! Good luck getting away from this awful game show!
Kinetic: And congrats on doing just that!
Then they go outside and have a slumber party about how awesome they are and what a fucking joke Donald Trump and this show turned out to be, and it's the best episode ever, and meanwhile Surya and Randal are lined up against the wall of the boardroom with apples on their heads and DT shooting arrows at them, and the whole time they're going, "Thank you sir, good shot sir, try again sir, that was my spleen Mr. Trump, good shot sir." For the rest of their lives.