Lee and Sean get summoned to the Boardroom, where they learn the fates of the disgusting and traitorous Roxanne and Allie -- then go back up to the suite, where they have to pick from past Apprenti, including Roxanne and Allie, for their final task teams. Lee, the new Gold Rush, takes on Lenny, Pepi, and Roxanne after Lenny poisons him against all other persons. Which takes half the episode. The degree to which Lenny is scary about this is implicit in the fact that Pepi, who nobody even recognizes, is one of the final team members. Sean, the new Synergy, brings Tammy and some people he doesn't care about because they will not bear his Apprentice babies. I will tell you that they are recapper sweethearts Tarek and Andrea, because that's exciting, but it honestly doesn't matter, for real, because Sean is lame. Cruelly watching Brent twist and believe that he is going to be picked is bittersweet, because it's balanced against recapper's sweethearts Dan and Charmaine going through the same deal.
The corporate sponsor is Pontiac; the charities are Denis Leary's firefighter foundation, America's Bravest, for Lee, and the World Wildlife Foundation for Sean. Sean pulls some kind of lame ass-kissing bullshit where he decides that Trump's joking and kind of sad response to Lee's pick of event -- a Barenaked Ladies concert -- means he should also pick that event, and Lee's like, "Whatever, take it." Making Sean look like a douche. Again. Lee gets a hockey game, which thankfully comes right under the band mentioned above in terms of stuff that's less fun than Ebola, meaning that we root for Lee the same amount as ever, which is "slightly more than for Ebola." Carolyn dissolves into adorable giggles after they leave, begging that somebody explain to her who Pepi is. A running theme, but particularly cute on Carolyn. If you've watched this show before, you know the part: one charity chairperson is going to flip out like a motherfucker on one team, one corporate person flips out on the other team, and at least one team member or celebrity is taken off the board. Which begs the question, ratings-wise: if a cliff hung and nobody was there to see the hanging of the cliff, does it really hang? The answers, in order, are: firefighter charity lady going 24/7 ballistic on Lee, Pontiac getting sucky on Sean (I think this will intensify week), and Andrea rushing her lonely, wonderful self to the ER. Which is sad because she's great and it's good to see her again, but mind-blowing and a little funny, because she seems to have contracted the previously mentioned Ebola virus, and spends the task shooting blood out of every orifice, much to Sean's dismay and everybody else's task-oriented apathy.
Still no closer to figuring out Deal Or No Deal. A wave of women without names comes flooding over a staircase and they all have numbers and giant breasts, and they open a box and clap mindlessly, and then there's a lot of yelling, and...I tried. Not in order to ever watch it again, just because it seems to be on a lot which means it's getting ratings which means America finds something of value in it. But America is, as usual, ahead of my curve, because it's just surreal to me. Also because for some reason I've been putting off this recap for days. It's a fun episode, I liked it. I don't know why I resent it so much. Maybe it's just senioritis.
There's some stressful, yet hopeful music that does the job, and we have some flashbacks. Previously Allie and Roxanne "nailed it" with some culottes, and then they stared at each other, and then they made a groovy kind of love. And then we've all agreed to pretend that they turned into bitches. Upstairs, Sean tapped his fingers on the table, with wild hair and sleepy eyes making his face even grosser than usual. Lee was eating quietly and staring, in total space cadet mode. Then a weird, awkward thing happened. Sean started playing with the china and yelling about how he's not going to wait for the lady or the tiger to come back, he's going to eat in a devil-may-care fashion, because he's just being honest, he doesn't care if it appears rude. Which, whatever, except Lee's already eating, so it's the opposite of etiquette. "If it was anyone else, I'd have the patience to wait, but I'm just bullshitting myself that I really care to wait for them," he huffs and puffs and dramatizes. And the whole time, Lee's just sitting there, clearly eating. Sean is so fucking rude. The balls-out selfishness of the propaganda there is totally at odds with what he's trying to prove about himself. "I'm going to be as classless and rude as you are. That'll show them." When like, nobody cares if Sean eats except for Sean, so he's making some kind of statement nobody cares about by not eating, and then he self-defines yet more drama by finally "giving in" and eating, no matter how they'd frown on it at Eton or whatever. Assface. Lee laughs at the camera in this wheezing inner-city way, like a droog from West Side Story or like a Newsie. "You tell 'em, Gator. We'll give those Sharks what for!"
The phone rings as Sean pissily eats, and his sleepy self takes a few seconds to register it, then answers. Robin tells them to come down to the Boardroom immediately. They run around as Sean drools and screams at us about how never before has the telephone rung during a Boardroom! NEVER! The snow starts coming down even though it's June, and the rivers run red with blood, and water runs uphill, according to Sean, when this happens. He's so excited about such value-neutral stuff. Lee, dressing, gives us another unwanted window into the mind of Lee: "Probably they're going to ask who should be fired!" No, probably not, Lee. The ideas this kid has about his own importance. I think he really believes that he was the hatchet man all those times. Like, at rest, he believes that. Whatever, chucker.
They come off the elevator in suits and ties and sit down in the BR, quite nervous, even though it seems obvious what's going on. "Generally speaking," says Trump, "The Boardroom is not a place that you wanna be. Tonight, it's a little bit different... You are the final two." Sean blinks as he congratulates them on the achievement.
I would like to say some words to you and you say whatever comes to mind. Bill Rancic. Kendra. Rebecca Jarvis. Kwame. Troy. Randall. Feels good, huh?
Allie and Roxanne turned out, Trump explains, to be very disloyal. He doesn't go into the horrifying details about how they defended themselves and advanced valid lines of reasoning and defense and acted like adults, because it was just too ugly to bring up. "I didn't. Like. Seeing. What I saw." He tells them to go back to the suite and "look at the candidates that've been fired," and tells them that tomorrow they're going to be "fighting like [they've] never fought before." Hope they're not women! Because they are the kings of all ass-kissing, they thank him like literally billions of times as he nonverbally pleads with them to get the hell out of the Boardroom. Lee snurfles about how he's "up for the challenge, Mr. Trump," and Trump's like: "Just get out of here!" Sean claps him on the back like he's so cute and not sickening like that actually was, and Trump makes a weird, proud face and yells, "Freaking politician, Lee!" Thanks for being in the box I made up! It makes me feel smarter and more powerful! Please confirm my erroneous beliefs and snap judgments more often, and you could be the Apprentice!
Sean interviews that it's "the most important day of my entire life," which I can buy, and then his awkward body prances back to the suite. Where they all are, including Allie and Roxanne, who drove away in a cab with their integrity mere minutes ago. There's Brent, and Tammy, and Leslie and Bryce, and there are hugs all over, and Dan looks crazy hot. Sean pantses around about how nice it is to see Tammy, and then picks her up off the floor and tries to spin her around, but whatever. From within his creepy bearhug, she's like, "So you're...doing well?" God save us from the imaginary crushes of a broken man-child. He kisses her cheek. Meanwhile, Lenny tells Lee how much he loves Lee, and Lee rolls over for a belly rub. God save us from the imaginary crushes of a broken man-child. I'm not the one drawing the parallel. The people they love are their doom. Lee interviews something about how "prestigious" it is to be in the Final Two, which is both sad and funny. Charmaine is only onscreen long enough to make a mean face. Hi, Charmaine! Everybody is so fucking drunk. Tammy can't even keep her eyes open through this whole part.
Lee interviews about how he's been "discounted because of his age," and that he's "happy," but "not surprised," to have found himself here. Pisher. I'm not surprised either, because he's better than everybody else, at certain things, but he's really unbalanced. He doesn't have it all, or any of it in the requisite amounts. Sean toasts Lee about how he cannot think of a "more honorable man" to go up against, and that Lee is a "gentleman and a scholar," a most hated phrase that means nothing and sounds dorky every time, and they all cheer and drink like mad, and Sean giggles and looks like an idiot. I cannot believe this is the Final Two. I don't understand how this has happened.
Sean talks to Tammy and Andrea immediately and locks them down. His lack of a clue drives him to immediately say Tammy's on board not because of his feelings for her, but because she's so great. Which is actually the opposite of a compliment, if you feel the need to clarify that. He's so confused about such a great many things. This pair of fellows is not exactly a study in contrasts. Tammy drunkenly and boredly giggles about nothing. Brent attacks and makes Sean sit down, and he wants Sean to know that he'll give him 110%. Whatever, dude. Tarek tries to tell Sean that he is important in some way. Dan gets super weird intense about how he is "a king-maker at this point" and that Lee should be king. I'm glad they got them drunk like this (I'm not sure about Dan) because of the "I love you man" factor of drinking, where somehow they all have taken on this idea that getting one or the other of them into being the Apprentice is like super important. It's not. But they're so crazed and like, "I will prove myself!" I love it. This is how many marriages happen, I think. Drinking and getting the wrong idea. Allie drunkenly talks about how she really, really wants to be "lifelong friends" with Lee, like they have so damn much in common besides their mutual bewilderment about each other. So sorority, I love it. "We're going to be best friends for the rest of our lives. I won't go down on your boyfriend ever again. Pass me that beer bong." He extricates himself from her drunken ass quite gracefully, like, "Yeah, lifelong friends, you old lady."
Meanwhile, Tarek and Andrea and Tammy sit around in a bedroom, planning Sean's life for him, just like he likes. Andrea wants Sean to win so bad it gives her the Ebola. Tarek tells them a long, sexy story about how he worked at McDonald's for so long, and also at a sewage treatment plant for a while, so he imagines himself to have a "blue-collar work ethic." If you say the words, you don't have it. But I imagine the whole time he was doing the work, he just kept repeating the words to himself, trying to prove something to somebody. "I am demonstrating a blue-collar work ethic. I am a man. I am a hard-working man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty. I think I might throw up." Andrea interviews that it's "no secret" that she believes herself and Tarek are the smartest people. I agree with that statement completely, I just don't think it's a selling point. The real respect and coolness that Andrea and Tarek have with each other makes me like them both more, when I already liked them to begin with. Even if it's based on weird ivory tower presumptions about their own superior intellectual gifts. She says that she hopes Sean will take Tarek on, despite not having worked with him. I said, aloud, "...And it'll be kind of gay." Sean grabs Tarek by a meaty deltoid and goes on and on about his "swagger" and how much he loves the "swagger," and also the "cheeky charm" of Tarek. I love lots and lots of things about Tarek, mostly things on the inside of Tarek but also some things on the outside too, but..."swagger"? He has no swagger. Swagger comes from within, and within Tarek there's just a kid holding a sign and the sign says, "Please?" That's not swagger. Tarek doesn't know what to do about all that and just smiles hugely at Sean.
Lee and Lenny take off to build a fort with couch cushions and act like idiots with a secret plan. Leslie thinks it's stupid. I think that's Leslie. Was there somebody named Theresa? Hang on. Okay, the blonde lady is Theresa. The Center for Intra-Spection lady that lost her marbles in the BR that I liked prior to the marble-losing. So who the hell is Leslie? ...Right. The deaf-mute volleyball player. I don't see her here. Anyway, Theresa thinks that Lenny and Lee are being dorks. She's insightful. Lenny tells Lee there's nobody better than him and then lectures him about who should be on the team. He makes it clear that he and Lee are the Allie and Roxanne co-PMs of life. A win for Lee is a win for Lenny, because they have love. Lenny wants "people who are willing work for us," and to prove that he is all about Lee's success, says that they have GOT to have...Pepi. Remember Pepi? Goatee? Couldn't handle Brent? Or anything else? Thought everybody was actually Omarosa in disguise or whatever? No? Yeah. Lee wonders if Pepi isn't "rusty," and Lenny gets intense about how he must have Pepi on his dream team, and don't ask questions. He gives no reasons for any of this; he knows he doesn't need to. Lenny interviews that he loves Lee and wants Lee to win, and I do believe that. I just think that, if you're going to have a person making all your decisions for you, it should be based on them not being crazy or incompetent. Lee seems to love Lenny purely because Lenny loves Lee, and that this somehow translates into strategy. This is how you join a cult.
Leaving Lee behind in a pile of dust, no longer necessary to the Lenny Nation, Lenny asks Pepi to be on his team. Lee spouts about how he just wants to be "surrounded by people who genuinely love him." Which is really the first rule of business, isn't it? Idiot. He tells this theory to Theresa, who just nods. This is so stupid. Lenny does more of that weird aggressive threatening stuff, telling Lee that Leslie and Allie and Charmaine are the enemy. I don't even know what they're talking about. Maybe doing this at a kegger wasn't the best idea after all. Lee interviews that Lenny cares soooo much about him, and it sucks for Sean, because nobody loves Sean the way Lenny loves Lee. But what Sean does have, douchebag, is a clue about how he wants to win, not just subsist in a group hug and hope for the best and let fake-daddy handle everything. Lenny lectures Theresa at length about something or another, and Brent gives interrupting them the old college try, and Lenny -- gorgeously, I admit -- doesn't even acknowledge his existence, so Brent just wanders away, brutally rebuffed.
Dan tries desperately to get away from Brent, with the full-on crazy eyes of someone who's in a room with a rabid animal, as Brent yells at him about nothing. Finally, Sean announces his team: Tammy, Tarek and Andrea. That is a good team. Dan is sad. I'm sad, because no more Dan, but that's a good team. He then hands things over to his "nemesis," with all the drama, and Lee babbles for awhile. He admits to choosing Lenny, because Lenny "might die" to see him be the Apprentice. Not a valid reason. Then: Pepi and Roxanne, for no reason at all. Everybody stares. Brent looks fucking clueless as usual. There are lots of hugs and Lee interviews a whole lot more of that "people who genuinely care about me" stuff. I wish Lenny would explain to him that this is not material. He then says something very hilarious about how "smart people might want to see me fail," so he instead "chose people that want to see me win." That's funny. Pepi and Lenny and Roxanne are smart, but that's funny because of his cluelessness. Sean and Tammy talk about how Lenny is in charge of Lee's life, and so there's really no PM. Sean interviews that he's "confused" by Lee's choices. I'm "confused" about how you could mistake them for Lee's choices. Sean gets all intense on Tammy about how it's stupid, and then interviews really fake intensely and awkwardly and grossly about who the hell is Pepi, a running theme. It's valid, but he says it in this eight-year-old fake-agog way that makes me want to cough up blood.
morning, the phone rings, and Rhona flirts with Sean some more. Everybody gets ready: Roxanne brushes her teeth, Pepi gets pretty...and Sean plays with the place settings some more. Why? He interviews that you must "surround yourself with the very best people." Which he has done. I have no rooting in me, but I guess at this point I vote Sean, because as annoying and smarmy and inauthentic as he is, he didn't hand the whole thing over the second he hit Go, like Lee. Sean brings Tammy coffee and calls her "baby" and then lurks around and watches Tarek in the bathroom. Tammy's like, "Great coffee." He interviews that he wants "the job" and "the girl" and ... whatever, it's tiring. This movie in his head is not the actual thing. Maybe Trump will fire both of them week and be like, "I still kinda want Rebecca." Tammy looks around for her earring, and Sean makes a weird, lame joke about how she left it in his bed, and he's so far off her radar that she actually needs the joke explained to her, and she just fake-laughs exhaustedly.
The teams meet Trump and the Viceroys in the Boardroom. Trump stares at all of them for a good long time, greets some of the team members, and then says the word "Wow" a bunch of times. Carolyn grins secretively. Trump strokes them about how there were a million applicants, and now there are the Final Two, and that's awesome. He tells the other six people that there were "no losers" and they thank him for lying to their faces. Lee explains to Trump that his team feels "passionately" about him becoming the Apprentice. Which makes more sense than the original bullshit way he kept saying that. Lenny gets creepy and stupid about how he wants Lee to win with all his heart, and that he wants to bury Sean's team "so deep" they won't be found for twenty years. I remember back at the beginning of the season I was like, "Trainwrecks at the beginning, awesomeness at the end of the season. I love this show because at the end, you have adult people who are very good at their jobs, fighting in a civil manner to be the best." That makes me sad to think about now, even though I believed it at the time. Who could have predicted this? Sean explains Team Sean, and it's awesome, because he's right: "Sales, Marketing, Operations..." He calls it a "dream team." Tammy ambiguity aside -- which is on Sean solely, I don't have a problem with Tammy qua Tammy being here -- I want to give Sean yet more props. Not v. Lee, but v. Lenny. Once Lenny was the PM of Team Lee, it was up to him to create the best team, and Sean has bested him on that field, and I salute that. Lee's all, "I have the best team possible," but leaves off the unspoken "...or so Lenny tells me, and won't explain why."
I don't know that there's a recap on this site in which I've not managed to mention my hatred of the Barenaked Ladies and their so-called "music." Keep that in mind. So the task is this: Manage "all business, creative, and logistical aspects of two enormous charity events," in partnership with Pontiac and SLS Speakers. One side is a Barenaked Ladies concert at the Trump Taj Mahal to benefit the World Wildlife Foundation, the other is a celebrity hockey game at Chelsea Piers, to benefit Denis Leary's firefighter foundation. They both sound really fun, actually. I liked the comedy club thing last year, because I like events and color-coordinated purple napkins. Trump goes on and on about how wonderful firefighters are and how he'd be lousy at it because he's not brave, and then kind of aggressively forces George to admit that he too is unbrave, but that he's "brave with his mouth." He's hundreds of years old. If I saw sweet old George trying to enter a burning building, I'd knock his ass out. "Absolutely, that's key!" says George to all this "good-natured ribbing" out of nowhere that he's some kind of a weak old pussy of a man. I don't get Trump at all.
Lee selects the Barenaked Ladies task, and Trump makes the same joke once, twice, almost goes for a third, that it's always best to work with Barenaked Ladies, because Barenaked Ladies sounds good to him. Even though the Barenaked Ladies in question are overweight and pasty male Canadians with nasal, reedy voices, the mere fact of their name means Trump would like to pop a Viagra and hump them. That's how he rolls. It's not offensive in the way he has been lately: it's just a dumb uncle joke. Carolyn giggles. Sean fucking ruins the whole thing: "When you put it that way, I'd choose the Barenaked Ladies!" He says this like it's brilliant, but also like he somehow feels like if he doesn't try for the Barenaked Ladies, that means he's gay, and then what's the point of Tammy? Shut up, Sean. Trump's like, "...At the Trump Taj Mahal," I surmise just to see how much of a fucking asslick Sean actually is. And Sean, you know, will not disappoint: "...At the Trump Taj Mahal." Trump gets excited about the boys fighting over Barenaked Ladies -- who are neither bare naked nor ladies -- and Lee is the very embodiment of class, for once: "I'll take the hockey game." T-Bag's sad about them not fighting over the Barenaked Ladies, but he's like, "Okay, no big deal." He then hurls the heavy leather task dossiers in their literal faces, which is so weird and abrupt and cute that everybody bursts once again into laughter. "I'll be taking my helicopter down to Atlantic City, and a limousine to the ice hockey rink to watch you," he says, like people talk like that, and then says that Team Lee will be Gold Rush, and Team Sean is going back to the accursed Synergy name. I think it should be the other way, given the relative character of these two groupings -- hot smart intimidators and group-hugging whiners in search of surrogate parents -- but like it matters. Trump dismisses them.
Carolyn and Trump and George stare at them leaving, particularly Pepi, and finally Carolyn breaks down once they've gone: "Who was the guy on the far right?" She's laughing at herself, like, "I knew I checked out this season, but damn." (Wasn't he eliminated on an Ivanka week?) Trump has to look at a list to find out Pepi's name. George is finally like, "Pepi." Trump gets very adorable here, futzing around and confused and like, "What happened to Pepi? I didn't recognize him!" They giggle and feel stupid and it's really funny. Carolyn's like, "I don't know! I have no idea!" Trump furrows his brow for once in a way that doesn't make him look sick. "Pepi, you're fired...I don't remember saying that." Carolyn's completely at a loss, just giggling and snorting and weirded out by the whole invisible candidates issue this season. I submit to you that the list here is long, as far as people that would've earned this response: Summer, Theresa maybe, Leslie for sure, Tammy if she'd been eliminated earlier, for starters. Maybe not Theresa, for the same reason as Bryce: when somebody pisses on your conference room carpet, you remember that. Their face at least. Trump wishes Lee luck, whoever Pepi is. I like Pepi, but come on. He was ineffective as PM, never did a thing, and went home in Week Two. I don't think this is a problem. Frankly, it's at the least a relief to get away from Sean and Lee for a sec.
Taj Mahal. Tarek explains the task for us again. Andrea has the Excel color-coordinated timelines by which I live my entire life. We are soulmates, I knew it. We even seem to use the same colors! So crazy. Does this mean I'll have Ebola soon? She lists all the shit they have to do, and it's impressive: they need to brainstorm some creative fundraising ideas (I don't know who would be point on that, they're missing that part -- although, as we'll see, not like Team Lee!), get the dressing rooms and backstage stuff together, do the pre-party, cover sound check and rehearsal, do a brunch welcome party, manage the concert itself, and take care of Trump. That's huge. God, how fun would that be? I'm freaking out. That's like a reward to me! Lucky bitches. Sean interviews that there are a "lot of moving parts" in there, and that they spent hours just planning. I am miffed we didn't get to see more of that, but then, that would not be so fun for a lot of people, I think, to watch intense party planning. There should be a show of that. Dude, I would be so crazy for that. They sit down with the inordinate hotness of the World Wildlife Foundation person -- what is it with the granola-sucking sexiness of ecopeople? -- who wants to "seem credible" and wants to raise at least six figures. Tarek jokes that they have a millionaire friend who'll be arriving Tuesday. Sean takes everyone on a tour, including SLS Speakers, who are sponsoring the party, and Tarek talks to them about signage and branding. They start thinking about seating for the concert itself, and how they need places for the sponsors and Trump, and I don't wanna be there when he's confronted with the Bare Naked reality. Sean goes: "Blah blah blah." Something about how there are many responsibilities. I think the reason Sean's interviews make me want to jump out a window is that you can totally see what the interview question was, based on his overheated response. "Are there are a lot of responsibilities? Talk about that." "OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO DO AND NOT A LOT OF TIME TO DO THEM AND NOW I HAVE PICKED UP A COKE HABIT TO GET THEM DONE AND RIGHT NOW I'M TEXTING ON MY BLACKBERRY USING MY PREHENSILE TOES BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO AND NOT A LOT OF TIME TO DO THINGS" and that's how Sean is, but man. Stop wearing yourself and myself out with the energy of it and just, you know, do it.
Roxanne, who you never know what she means, tells Lee: "You're going to be the Apprentice! Awesome!" Her voice is saying "awesome" but her face and body are saying, "I will never drink around these people again, because this is so boring and pointless and I can't believe I'm on this team." They go into Leary's production company, and meet with the foundation person, Lys. Who is an interesting character. On the one hand, she's not ready for prime time, and doesn't seem to think looking good on TV is a necessary thing. Or maybe she's just thinking the cameras are there for decoration. When I appear on television bedraggled, it's because I'm an alcoholic and just got off the floor when the cameras arrived. I don't think that's true of Lys. I think she just doesn't think looking her best is a really big deal. On the other hand, I can't disagree with a single thing she says, and I really like her. So there's that. And I don't think it's the schadenfreude of watching her call Lee out, either, although that's not a bad thing. Basically, she explains, the foundation fills in the gaps between what the government can do for FDNY, and what the department actually needs. She's totally intense, and her voice is really sharp-sounding, just like all charity people. You have to have an allergy to the word "no" to be in fundraising, and I do not have this allergy, so they're like aliens to me. Dan squared, because it's not even salesmanship, it's what's beyond salesmanship. Instead of "Give me money and I'll give you this thing," it's all, "Give me some money...or else."
They ask what she wants, and she won't tell them, just asks for their ideas, which they do not have at all, and then she'll tell them what she likes. Problem being, as stated, that they have no ideas. She screams, "BIG IDEAS!" I don't know, you could tell me Lee made this up right there on the spot and I'd believe you, but he's like, "A date auction? With the firefighters?" Lys points out that this is a celebrity hockey game, a family event, so that makes no sense. He vaguely mentions raffles and silent auctions, and she's like, "Bigger?" You really feel the frustration here, because you're talking about millions of dollars and he's just got nothing. "A yacht ride with VIP guests?" No. Roxanne interviews that they went in thinking they were "shooting for the stars," but that was not true. "Lys was completely unimpressed." Lys is like, Back to basics? Great. "We have really exclusive and classé events," I think she says, although that is not a word. She tells him this isn't his mommy's kegger and he's like, "Really? Okay. Wow." She lays it out, completely demoralized by all this: "There are ten thousand firefighters in New York. Our current project with FDNY is three million dollars." I so feel her here. "Come on, guys! You've been to the website?" Her disgust does not translate to paper, but trust me: it is mighty.
Lee interviews one of the stupidest things we've heard this season besides Brent talking: "They didn't hire me to go into a meeting and be very very prepared for the meeting!" Oh, they didn't? The hell you say? And who's "they"? "As long as I learn... They know I don't know the details, let's see if I can turn it around...that's probably what they're thinking." He looks like hell. He looks so bad today. This is ridiculous. "They" don't give a fuck, "they" are not interested in the drama of your life. You totally just insulted the charity really, really bad, and you still don't get it. It's not about what "they" think, it's about the fact that you're acting like a stupid child. He's back to his whole Horatio Alger feeling of how special and narrative his life is becoming. Is "they" Trump and the Viceroys? Because if that's the "they," let me tell you that they would lose as much confidence in you as I did. Lys laughs nervously and finally kicks them out of her office, because they are suddenly total amateurs. This is not my Lee, this person. I don't know what's going on. What were they doing in the time that Team Sean was rocking out? More planning session footage would have been good here, because it looks like they slept in and don't know what's going on at all, and I can't entirely believe that about Lee.
Down to Chelsea Piers, discussing their corporate sponsors. Roxanne interviews about how she loves Michael J. Fox and Jason Priestly and Jamie Pressley. Is she Canadian? I really like her these days. She's funny, and she was super-cool on The Starlet that time. I hope we get to see her. I really used to hate that lady. Team Lee meet with the Pontiac people, who are charming and pretty and only a little scary, and go on a tour of the facilities and the hockey rink. Roxanne tells us it's a hockey game, two pre-parties, catering to the celebrity guests, creating the program, raising funds, and working it...oh, and Trump, she adds hysterically. "The big thing!" The Pontiac meeting goes better than the firefighter one, but just like by a hair. Pepi mumbles something about matching funds, and the guy one is like, "What is your actual idea?" Lee wants to have Denis Leary auctioning off two Pontiac cars, and after a second they agree to this. "Don't screw it up," says the guy. Outback Bastard last year set the bar so high on rudeness that all of this is humor to me. The Pontiac guy could reach out and smack Pepi's cute little cheek or draw blood or something and I'd be like, "Remember Outback Bastard?" Pepi's hair is a little too too -- it's razor-cut and spiky, and very cute, but also kind of ahead of him, so he looks a little crazy. The rest of him is not up to the demands of his hair concept. Outside, Mary of Pontiac tells us that they completely dropped Pepi's matching funds idea, and that it's too bad, because they got two cars out of the meeting, but..."they missed a big opportunity." Oh, I like Mary. I like how she doesn't say it, but still says it, that they would have gone to the matching-funds place if asked, but the meeting was just too chaotic, and Team Lee dropped the ball. AGAIN.
Team Sean: Tammy floats an idea about getting smaller donations from nurseries and "green companies." I don't get the link, but whatever, I'm sure it makes sense. Sean gets all crazy and Seannish about "Fantastic idea! Well done Tam!" Tarek looks askance at this, because although he's right that Sean has decided that he can't think straight around Tammy, he doesn't have Sean experience to know that Sean's always like this about something or another, and usually it's completely beside the point, so maybe having Tammy there is good, like a Tammy lightning rod for when the cup of Seanthusiasm runneth over, which it always, always does, because he's a big faking fakester and doesn't even know it. Tarek interviews that Tammy's "real pretty," but that he's worried Sean is going to lose sight of the end goal, which is "to create a great event." Sean delegates that Andrea and Tarek will meet the Pontiac guy -- the biggest sponsor of the event -- while Tammy and Sean -- the Project Manager and Final Two member -- will be making decisions about catering. Lord.
At the caterer's tiny office, Sean goes mad with the whole showy "watch me pull out your chair" creepiness, which is just another flavor of the "I'll starve myself until I get hungry" propaganda that means less than nothing except that your mom was scary. Tammy encourages this behavior by remarking on what a gentleman he is, which is the reason he did it, which is the opposite of being a gentleman, and is stupid. As Tammy conducts the meeting with the caterer, Sean stares at her creepily with lots of teeth and no thoughts. Meanwhile, Andrea discusses the car situation with Pontiac Hottie #3, and there is product placement I'm not recapping, and then Andrea pretends to find the car "sexy," or maybe she actually does, I don't know, I'm caught in the horns of that dilemma with Sean/Tammy as well, and I can't figure any of this out. Sean smiles creepily at the side of Tammy's face some more, and interviews that "love" could very well be blooming at this very moment. He mumbles around and says some dumb smarmy shit about how he'd "be in there like swimwear" if he had "the opportunity." Maybe I'm overthinking this. I think maybe he's just a virgin. He's acting like a virgin. Why didn't I just call it that way originally instead of inventing a whole eighth-sex explanation for him? Because it is mind-blowing. Andrea also gets Pontiac to agree to raffling off a couple of cars. Cutie's like, "That's a lot, but it's a noble cause, so okay." Tarek interviews that the guy probably thought one of them was the PM, because Sean's off in la-la land with Tammy doing stupid shit, and how you should be meeting your gigantic sponsor and "not doing the in-house catering." Sean and Lee, man. These are the Final Two!
Voting is closed on the phone bank stuff this week. Who has the best team? Lee by 63%. That is...an untruth. I think that America was fooled and thought that it was like the other weeks, when the question was: "Who is the biggest asshat?" I have to believe that.
Someone falls down on the ice at Chelsea Piers, sliding in toward the camera. Is this foreshadowing? I don't know who should win. I want them both to lose, because they are both fucking up for no reason. But I guess Lee's fucking up more. I think that the mix of personalities last year warped me, because it was my first year really watching and thinking about and talking about the show every week, as opposed to catching it when I could. But that was so...grand. Especially in retrospect. Carolyn sits watching Team Lee, wearing a Burberry scarf. Oh, Carolyn. Well, once you own something you should wear it, because you're above that stuff. Except for fur. The saddest thing about fur is that you owned it before we figured out that that was vile, and now you can't even use it. That isn't...well, the second worst thing, I guess. I just hate the inefficiency of holding onto stuff you can't wear anymore. Lee interviews that he frankly doesn't "need to be micromanaging the program," checking yet one more thing off on the list of his responsibilities that are not his responsibility. I have yet to figure out what it is that he actually is doing. Him too, I figure. He whines to Carolyn about how his duties are so "extensive," and that he has to deal with celebrities, and it's driving him mad. Carolyn is, of course, horrified. She calls him "laid back," which is like the worst thing Carolyn could ever call you, and says he's not demonstrating good leadership, and that he's under the impression that the event will somehow run itself. Exactly. For some reason, my intuition tells me that this list of his incredible fuck-uppery and being in over his head is going to flip around week, and he's going to come off golden for some reason.
Lys calls and lays it out for him one more time: "Here's where I am 24 hours before the game: seeing lots of different pieces, but still unclear on your overall strategy." There's a reason for that, babe. Lee interviews that she's a "tough cookie" and that she "expects a lot," and...maybe this will be Susan B. Anthony's revenge after all. Because she's not being a crazy lady, she's asking for the big picture, and he doesn't have one, and for some reason this request irritates him, because he is a tool. He mumbles that they're going to have a silent auction, and she's like, "That's your idea?" He mumbles and steps on himself and then sounds like a high school student caught in a lie, which is what he is: "The idea is...you know what? Actually, you know what we're going to do?" Carolyn's like, "The fuck?" Lys tells him straight up that he doesn't know what he's doing, so how could she possibly guess? Carolyn gives him the dagger eyeballs, and Lee rolls his eyes like Lys is being a bitch. Um, she's totally not. She's asked him one question fifty times and he refuses to answer it except with things that don't fit the profile and she already said no to. I wish he would get smashed flat as a pancake by something large. "She is busting my balls," he whines. "I wanna cater to her, and she's very very very very important, but...I'm dealing with other people." Which actually means the opposite of what it says, but whatever. I'm over Lee, I think. Busting your what? Fuck off, you idiot child. Go back to community college.
Lys: "Don't make excuses to a person who's done this for the last five years." Word. She isn't being very helpful, in terms of maybe telling them about other things that have been done in the past, but there's something inside that, like a part that doesn't wanna help them anymore than she has to, because it's become a pride issue. Frankly, I'd like to see them fail phenomenally at this point, and it's not even my event he's pissing on. She tells them she wants a walk-through at 7:30, and Roxanne freaks out in interview about that, and reminds us that "If Lee doesn't deliver, Lys could pull out -- and if Lys pulls out, Lee is shit outta luck." Lee whines and complains about how Lys is "outta control" and asks God how many things can he possibly do? And God's like, "Start with one, pisher."
Team Sean. Andrea comes to Tammy and crouches at her side. "I can't even say it without crying. I have to go to the doctor...I've been coughing pup blood. I'm sure it's nothing. Hopefully be back in like an hour." Tammy's weirded out. We cut around a lot in this part, so that we don't see Andrea begging Tammy not to make a big deal or react in front of the cameras, because it will make it worse -- which is so Andrea, and I'm glad the show has some sense of protecting her from having to show that vulnerability on screen, because man. But the upshot is how this editing makes Tammy seem like a total robot that wishes Andrea ill, when in fact she's maintaining in a really cool way for Andrea's benefit. It's sweet. I feel like being able to navigate the kind of person that Andrea is, is a really cool skill, because I love Andrea and I feel her strongly on this issue. I totally would have done the same thing. "Do not overreact, do not hug me, do not touch me, do not acknowledge this in any way, or I'm going to fall apart, but here are the facts." Andrea lists all her action items and where they're at, and Tammy's mind is a bit blown so she doesn't really hear all the details, but of Andrea knows them back to front, and Andrea keeps repeating that she'll be back immediately, tuberculosis or no, and they'll pick up where she left off, and she's not letting them down, and Tammy's like, "I've got this grocery list and I Mapquested a grocery store, if you wanna grab some stuff." Andrea kind of nonverbally lets Tammy know that her bravado doesn't extend that far, and Tammy's like, "Gotcha, sorry." Andrea holds a tissue to her nose, and finds more blood, which causes her to jump kind of high, and whispers, "Oh God. It's coming out of my nose, too." Her voice is getting closer to delirium. Tammy's like, "Holy shit."
Sean returns, and she tells him what's up, and promises to come back super fast. I don't want to see Andrea weak, because it's not fun to see, because it's the opposite of how she is: veganism and yoga are sometimes, I think, symptoms of having a face-off with your body, which when you live in your head like Andrea, generally means that your body will swing around on you with some really fucked up shit, because your body doesn't like being ignored or controlled like that. Control freakism is a good way to get your immune system to turn on you, for example. I don't know, I feel like I'm taking analytic liberties at this point and getting weird, but it's like, I really do feel like I get Andrea, more than anybody I've seen on this show, more than people I like more even, and this little scene is pushing like every button I have. Ugh, being weak on camera, being caught off-guard and not knowing what's going on. On camera. Can you imagine? My favorite thing about Andrea was how she could take a punch and freak out for three seconds, and then solve it. Adrenaline/control. It's the reason neither of us can fucking stand the sight of Brent: he's too chaotic. On like every possible level. But when the Ebola or whatever strikes, you can't do that, and since it's like her only strategy, that's fucking terrifying. I live in constant fear of injury, even more than illness, because I barely feel any control over my stuff when it's in working order. Actually, you know what? I think I actually predicted that her body was going to turn on her in a prior recap. Sorry I gave you Ebola with my words, Andrea! I love you! I love you so much you made me like Tarek! Via the transitive property! Please do not give him Ebola via the transitive property!
Sean hugs her caringly -- right response, wrong time, last straw, no fear -- and interviews that he's concerned because, though he does not have a medical degree or license, he can tell you that "coughing up blood is not good." It's like one of the five "ER now" symptoms of First Aid, I think. Adding well-meaning insult to injury, he calls her back from the door to hug her more and blabber at her, which almost kills her, but she takes the moment to...there she is. That's my girl. "I'm just really worried. I will come back when I can." She takes off, finally, and Sean's like, "The hell?" And Tammy's just like, "I know! I don't know! Coughing up blood!" Sean interviews the difference between a cold or slight flu, and what's going on here, is that she's bringing up "chunks of blood" from her chest. Whatever, Sean. Seanthusiasm does not apply here, because it seems like you kind of want her to drop dead or something, for the drama. Like how you don't really want your roommate to commit suicide, but your GPA could use the A's. Andrea cries and walks out of the Taj Mahal, cameras following behind, as Tarek identifies this as a "major roadblock," because Andrea is "brilliant and hard-working." I think Tarek gets her too: Tarek gets back on task and asks where the SLS banners are, and Tammy's like, "Somewhere? I'm out of it! Blood! She was coughing up blood!" Tarek worries for Sean, because he's a "man down."
The last shot is fucked up: Andrea crying, rushing down the foyer, and the voiceover and chyron come up announcing the phone-in winner, so it's like this.
Voiceover: "Congratulations to Abernathy Sneedler, our $10,000 winner!"
Andrea: Sniff. "Oh my God." I'm probably dying.
Nice. week: Live! Who will win? Competent but immature and fucking annoying and delusional and planless? Or gormless and distracted and Ebola? Whoever wins, Trump loses, and that means we do too. Voting -- for however that plays into the finale -- will be going on all week.