What a sickening, nasty, ugly little episode this turned out to be. The task: open new franchises of a low-cost hair salon, success to be measured by total one-day revenue. Synergy PM Tammy weathers the attentions of Sean, who is quickly losing what structural integrity he started with, and succeeds easily by focusing on foot traffic and product up-sales. Gold Rush PM Charmaine makes one thousand mistakes -- helped not at all by Tarek's obvious obstructions and Lee's creepy Boys Only misogyny -- including getting her hair done in the middle of the task. Lee and Tarek pants around the entire episode doing nothing and making fun of Charmaine for being a woman. After they lose, Lee visits each of his teammates in turn and offers to sell out the others, then addresses us directly about what a stand-up guy he is. In the BR, Trump suggests gang-banging Charmaine, causing Michael, Lee, Tarek, and Bill to laugh uproariously. Trump tells Charmaine she's very pretty, but should have controlled Tarek better -- just like Allie with Andrea last week, only Tarek isn't a ball-busting witch, so it's unforgivable. Trump fires Charmaine for her actual mistakes, then fires Tarek for being a douchebag, and the two ride off in a cab full of rage, boredom, and laudable attempts not to laugh out loud at what a fucking joke this show is.
Last week, Roxanne was remarking on how Andrea made it difficult to "run the ball into the end zone," and Sean was kissing Andrea's doomed ass for no reason in an attempt to appear very balanced and open-minded and heavenly instead of what he actually is, which is a pussy who has worked with Andrea on nine tasks and knows damn well she's the problem. Meanwhile, Lee is upstairs trying to make Tarek admit that they're best friends who'll be having lonely dinner together every night together for the rest of their lives, like in Diner, and Tarek is being tolerant of Lee's little-brotherism because he's insecure and likes being adored. "Where are these Synergists?" asks Lee, and Tarek floats the possibility that it's going to be a long Boardroom, with "a lotta yelling, lotta fighting." Lee -- so proud, because like everything that happens in this universe, he gives himself credit for the concept of strife now too -- crows loudly and embarrassingly, "That's what I like! That's what I'm talking about!" And Tarek, at the stove, becomes more lovably condescending and bored with Lee than I would have imagined possible: "Is that what you're talking about?" There's a silent "Buddy," or "Tiger," at the end of that sentence that makes it golden. "Is that what you're talking about, My Main Man? Gimme five. Yeah."
They talk about how Synergy has been "too synergistic for too long," just like tragically happened to Mary J. Blige, and then Synergy comes in, Allie all about how wonderfully supported she was by "[her] team right here -- if it weren't for them," she swears, she wouldn't be there. Lee asks specifically for clarification on if it's really the whole team, for some reason, and she smiles apologetically at Sean: "Well, two." Roxanne and Tammy. Sean gets even more squirmy and squirrelly, whining about how he can explain what would cause him to pull that shit -- which he can't do, because it basically admits to taking the long odds on Rebecca's "integrity" move last season by choosing the most insane person in all of New York City and then describing how very much he believes in her. Problem being: he has no integrity, just a bunch of propaganda about himself, and Rebecca has five times the nuts he does anyway. Allie describes has as "a fence-sitter" who chose to go "over to the dark side" at the last moment. A place Allie knows intimately.
Sean whines about how it's "okay for me to think differently from you," which is something people only whine about as a last defense, because it's the opposite of standing by your convictions -- it's a whole lot more like asking for permission to have thoughts. His ass is gone week. Allie hugs Roxanne and then Tammy, Mean Girling in front of Sean about how "Normally, to have somebody come to your defense" like they did would require knowing them "for years!" Sean interview-begs for a story arc for this episode, which will last until the credits roll in a few seconds, all about how there's this "strong unity" among the women, and that he could "well be the scapegoat now." Please, somebody tell me I'm not a woman? One of these things is not like the others, right? Allie comes in to Sean attempting to out-admirable him by saying she has no strategy, and that she had no idea Sean was "strategic like that," referring to trying to get her fired by defending Andrea. Roxanne listens as Sean spins a ludicrous tale of how he was trying to defend himself, somehow, because he was scared of being sent home despite not being a target or having done anything wrong. Which, I am sure he was scared, or whatever, but grow the hell up and get your story straight. Tammy's like, "...But you...knew...you weren't going home... You...knew that?" She says this exactly like Quinn's Asian friend that talked really slow. Of course, Sean starts screaming and flailing and making no sense at this point, his voice so high you can barely understand him. It's very impressive in how deeply unimpressive and embarrassing it is.
Sean whines about how it's "okay for me to think differently from you," which is something people only whine about as a last defense, because it's the opposite of standing by your convictions -- it's a whole lot more like asking for permission to have thoughts. His ass is gone week. Allie hugs Roxanne and then Tammy, Mean Girling in front of Sean about how "Normally, to have somebody come to your defense" like they did would require knowing them "for years!" Sean interview-begs for a story arc for this episode, which will last until the credits roll in a few seconds, all about how there's this "strong unity" among the women, and that he could "well be the scapegoat now." Please, somebody tell me I'm not a woman? One of these things is not like the others, right? Allie comes in to Sean attempting to out-admirable him by saying she has no strategy, and that she had no idea Sean was "strategic like that," referring to trying to get her fired by defending Andrea. Roxanne listens as Sean spins a ludicrous tale of how he was trying to defend himself, somehow, because he was scared of being sent home despite not being a target or having done anything wrong. Which, I am sure he was scared, or whatever, but grow the hell up and get your story straight. Tammy's like, "...But you...knew...you weren't going home... You...knew that?" She says this exactly like Quinn's Asian friend that talked really slow. Of course, Sean starts screaming and flailing and making no sense at this point, his voice so high you can barely understand him. It's very impressive in how deeply unimpressive and embarrassing it is.
Allie's voice gets even higher as well: "What are you talking about?" He tries to explain about how he didn't want to be brought back into the Boardroom with Andrea, and have to face both her and Allie -- people who have, you know, ever done a damned thing -- in the Boardroom. He flails more and talks -- when I say "flails," you know I mean physically flails, right? Not like rhetorically flailing? Actual limbs, everywhere? -- about how there are the "three ladies," and then Sean on the side, but it's like he doesn't realize that's all on him and has nothing to do with them. Roxanne somewhat disingenuously explains that "the three ladies" in the room currently don't play games like that -- "we're straight shooters," she says -- "sometimes to a fault." Which, I'll give you a pass on the total lie, but when you turn the total lie into some kind of self-deprecating statement about how secretly awesome you are? "Look, we're perfect in our integrity -- sometimes, it's almost just plain embarrassing!" Barf. I like Roxanne, but that would taste just as bitter even if it weren't a total fucking lie. Allie helps him out with some bonus lies about how they're not there to tell him "who to go after" or what his "opinion" should be, which I don't mind as much, because it's his fault for being a pushover in the first place, and the only person who doesn't know how pathetically unoriginal and weak Sean is, is Sean, so screw it. Roxanne says she has a "hard time swallowing" that he did this just out of fear of going home, even though in honesty that's the only thing he's said that's absolutely true. Allie just keeps going on and on about how his "strategy" didn't work out and trying to give the impression that "strategies" are something that only dirty people have, and Sean's just like, "Okay, whatever. Jeez." Allie interviews that he sold her out, making it harder to "buy this," but what she's buying...doesn't even make sense on its own terms, because he's just making it up, because he himself has no idea why he defended Andrea in the Boardroom, because he is a wanker. She then tells him it's okay, because "I know you love me, and I love you. I just don't want to be confused by you." Not to accuse Allie of being a woman, because I respect her too much to think of her that way, but: Gross. To the power of the googolplex.
The kids suddenly arrive at Trumpmoot without any morning call. Surely that means there's so much exciting footage that we can't spare a second for Rhona this week! I'll level with you -- in addition to being a frightening picture of the current problem of the American male, this episode is also bizarrely edited in the extreme. So Trump's hanging out with this guy who is a celebrity hairdresser (my favorite kind of non-celebrity!) and also a member of Trump's golf course, and wearing all-black. Bill looks terrified, but I think it's unlikely that it's because he knows what's going to happen . Trump and hair guy talk about some shit that is so boring neither of them can actually pay too much attention, and then Trump notifies the Apprenti, for what seems like the billionth time, how he is a brand to be reckoned with. He has a fragrance (we know!), clothes...but everybody just wants to talk about his frickin' hair all the time. Apparently Trump didn't get the memo that jokes about his hair have reached an All Your Bwah Are Belong To Us level of no-longer-funny and that nobody's talking about it anymore. Except the Apprenti and Carolyn, who laugh both nervously and with no small amount of disgust. He asks one of them to "examine" his hair for authenticity, and Charmaine volunteers. She does her Charmaine Salesgirl impression that's so funny, like she's admiring one of Ron Popeil's food storage systems -- "That is definitely your hair! I never doubted it for a minute!" -- and they all laugh at what a sad old man their hero has turned out to be up close. "It may not be pretty, but it's me," Trump says (admittedly, this part is adorable), and Tarek laughs appreciatively, because the only word he's ever heard, besides "Mensa," is "pretty."
The "hair business," Trump tells us, is a $150B industry (which: mad props to Trump for finally pronouncing correctly), and one yooge franchise is The Hair Cuttery, a business nobody has ever heard of, which looks and behaves exactly like a damned Supercuts. The Cuttery guy, on pain of death, admires Trump's hair, both in style and color, and we finally get to the task: oversee the grand opening of one of two new Hair Cuttery locations -- revenue at day's end will determine the winning team. They all head to the elevators, doing the dead-eyed Sarah Silverman yuppie voice: "That was really funny. That was so funny." Before the elevator doors close, Tammy yells at Charmaine, "You didn't get the back! Check out the back!" There is silence in the elevator of such deafening loudness that I assume Tammy's going to be fired by the end of the episode, if not kneecapped by Carolyn herself for taking the Hair humor one step too far.
Allie congratulates herself, with Roxanne as her witness, about how her "ship was sinking in the Boardroom," but she "never let up!" It's very Lee, this moment, and not attractive. Tammy interviews that Sean will likely "never recover" from how bad he burned them, and tells us that, as PM, she's going to have to put out the fires like that, and "make sure the team members can operate at a high efficiency level." I never know what to think about Tammy, because every time I see her I feel like she snuck up on me, and I hate that. Roxanne babbles cutely as they enter their salon, and then they boss the staff around about where everything should go. Everyone on both teams hyperfocuses on the products for sale, but I think for once it's for the right reason, made explicit later in the episode: a haircut takes an hour, but convincing somebody to buy hair stuff takes ten seconds, because everybody likes buying hair stuff. I wonder how much a real salon makes there -- is it like at the movies? Sean goes on and on about how he's this "marked man" because he went against the Overmind in order to protect his virgin integrity or whatever, and they're probably going to "pounce" if he does anything wrong. He has a point; Allie and Roxanne will, in fact, go after him, and Tammy will do what they say, but not because of Andrea -- because he's weak. He designs an invitation to the grand opening, and they all give their input, but because we're inside his paranoia, it all seems very dangerous and scary.
Meanwhile, Charmaine is the Rush PM because, as she puts it, she knows "a little bit about salons," and "the three guys" on her team don't. I don't know if she's ever met the guys on her team, but...that is disingenuous at best. The only reason Tarek would miss a trip to the salon would be if it cut into his busy preening schedule, and Michael...I don't even want to think about what kind of regimens Michael puts his body through. Even Lee takes care of himself. I think, given the overall tone of this episode, that it was a three-way masculinity détente where none of them could admit they'd ever been to a salon, or had their hair cut, or even heard of haircuts, or even that hair existed, because that would make them gay, so it was up to Charmaine to jump on the big gay grenade and admit that hair salons do exist. They brainstorm their plans, and Tarek asks Charmaine, as PM, what she thinks their "message" should be. She tells him the message is "grand opening," pretending she doesn't understand the question, because the question is stupid, so he condescendingly tries another tack, asking what, then, should the "theme" be. Again, the "theme" is "a store which did not exist until today now exists," but really he's just dicking with her and being as vague as possible. He throws out some bullshit "themes" that mean nothing, like "education," or how to "educate your lifestyle." Which means less than nothing. "Welcome to the Hair Cuttery/Academy -- at last, a Montessori School for your hair." Really, he's just hounding her about nothing in order to make her appear stupid, but it's counterproductive, because nobody's looking, so he's just making her look stupid to the other two guys on the team. Which is nothing but divisive, and there's a level on which he knows that, and a level on which he's convinced he's doing the right thing and she's just being thick. She asks him again and again to give her an example of what the hell he's talking about, but he's never had a creative idea in his entire life, so he just spins his wheels and continues to bitch and grin conspiratorially at the other boys. "If you don't wanna have a theme, you know..." like he's going to follow her down this path of perdition because she's their glorious leader. Charmaine interviews about the condescension and how he's locked into this role in his mind about treating her like "such a thorn in his side" because she doesn't "understand" what he's saying. Which equals nothing.
"Do you think we should not go with a theme? Is that what you're saying?" asks Tarek, like the invisible Trump Inquisitor hovering somewhere in the room is going to clap his hands like thunder and be all, "By her own admission, she has no theme!" Even though she has a theme, and this isn't that kind of task. "Come get a haircut." That's the fucking theme. Charmaine's like, "Again, no theme is my vote, because that's lame, but I swear if you come up with one, we'll have a big theme party." Tarek again tries to argue her into a corner for the benefit of nobody but Lee and Michael: "Do you feel at all uncomfortable that you're the PM, and you're going to do a theme even though you don't wanna do a theme?" Um, no, she feels "uncomfortable" that you're fucking around and wasting time trying to make her look stupid about a non-issue. She underscores -- again, for the benefit of the others -- that she's not "leading by consensus," but that if they (the three guys, collectively, which is where she fucked up and will continue to fuck up) feel that strongly about this nebulous "theme" they still haven't come up with, fuck it. Three against one. He interviews in a disgusting hick accent about how Charmaine "struggles with anything [they] come up with," even though -- again -- they've come up with nothing but the absence of an idea. "Ah luuuuv the ahhh-deah, but Ah just don't lahk eeee-it," he smarms. This is like when nobody in the car will name a restaurant, and all the hungry people get really stressed out even though they are also not naming a restaurant. Except that in this case, nobody is hungry, and there is no such thing as a restaurant. Michael says his theme would be "Making You Happy" (of course he does), and Charmaine is just like, "Whatever, fine," but the glory of being Tarek is that he somehow sees this as a minor victory. It's such bullshit, because: what have you proven? Still?
Weekly Wisdom: "Watch Your Back." Trump tells us that he views everybody as wanting his job, meaning that you have to view everybody as your competition. He tells some group of sad individuals about how they have to "go after" the competition, and "fight hard," and "win." Those lucky people to have paid money to hear Trump tell them that the heart of competition is competing. "If you have the top spot, don't let anybody take that from you... Stay focused." I don't know what bearing this has on the episode, because Tarek's not leading jackshit, he's just acting like an asshole because he can't handle Charmaine being in control. Maybe this advice is meant for Tarek and that, as a man, he should never have let Charmaine be PM in the first place. The rest of the episode would seem to suggest that.
Tammy and Sean go around doing marketing on foot, selling 50% off kids' haircuts, and Tammy says she likes selling with him, and he says he just likes spending time with her, and hugs her on a street corner, and it's weird. They tell Allie and Roxanne about how they've brought flyers to the people all over, and they're all four quite hungry, so then we get a back and forth of Allie and Roxanne eating Chinese food and Sean and Tammy on the saddest, squirmiest, stupidest "date" in history. Here is some advice from me to you: if you meet a boy and he says anything approaching the sentiment that he "falls in love ten times just walking down the street," or anything like that concept, that he's just so romantic that he can't keep his shit on his side of the fence, you fucking put on some cross-trainers and don't stop running until you hit the state line. Those boys will suck your brain out. You can think that you are just friends, and then a year later somehow he'll have married you because he thinks he's ready for grown-up love, but he's not, and he probably never will be until he is hurt very badly, and there you are: no brain left at all, dust all over your guitar, wondering why your friends keep referring to his "creepy bisexual vibe" whenever they're drunk, and why he gets so bitchy about having to share the remote or spend time with any of your friends. I'd stake my reputation on it, as a foremost expert in judging people's deep psychological shit based on a few seconds of camera time like I have any business doing so: Sean is one of these boys.
Anyway, Roxanne and Allie discuss "the Crafty Brit" and his unending charm, and Roxanne points out the very salient fact that suspicious people are always shady themselves. That cannot be stressed enough. She floats the concept that he's all about flying under the radar, which I think gives him too much credit, because I'm fairly certain that's just how he is, and Allie gets very verbatim Lee again about how Sean got scared that she was "going to fire him," so he turned on her. "He sold his soul," says Allie, getting jiggy with Satan for like the eightieth time. Roxanne asks what he's up to now -- "Trying to get back in Tammy's good graces?" -- and they talk about how she would never date him, how it's "over for him," and they're right, but there is a sadness that pertains to this, because they're acting like they're so totally over it. When like, just yesterday, they were rolling like thunder in bed with the Crafty Brit, so it comes off, again, very Band Camp and sour grapes. Which is unsettling on another level, because (a) he's gross-looking, and (b) he misplaced his entire junk somewhere over the Atlantic before they even met him.
Meanwhile, Tammy and Sean giggle and love their pizza on their fake date, where Tammy is playing him like a limp violin. Tammy talks about how it's a predominating concept that he has no integrity, which is true is a structural sense, but that he thinks he's "a good guy," not "malicious" or anything. Which is quite true, but has nothing to do with his lack of backbone. This is actually, I think, all an unfortunate byproduct of Allie's martyr complex, which has shifted The Problem With Sean away from the actual problem and over to a place that gives him a lot more power in the situation than he deserves. He wasn't really "coming after" anybody, because he's not proactive enough to come up with a plan like that. Tammy spins some line about how you have to have "good chemistry" with the people you work with, and that the two of them have "good chemistry." Her dialogue here is weirdly chopped up, making it seem like they're suddenly talking about dating, but that's highly unlikely. "I'm just glad we got a date finally!" he says, and she smiles noncommittally. He tells us at length about how suddenly, Suddenly Tammy is just "so sexy" and whatever, and he makes dreamy faces and stares fakely into space and sighs grotesquely about how "anything can happen," and apparently he's susceptible even to the will of the off-camera interviewer who didn't know what they were asking when they asked Sean about Tammy, or how stupid it was going to get. Short clip of footage of them eating pizza -- which Sean accomplishes in the most unattractive manner imaginable, like a snake eating at a pasta buffet -- and he tells us how they might just have "lots and lots of babies, once this is all finished." State line! Then he sticks his stupid finger in his stupid ear and drools and wonders if he actually just said that shit.
Lee and Tarek fuck around with the product, Charmaine begging them to at least try to do it right, and correcting them left and right in language a child could understand about how each product line is like a "happy family" and that they should be grouped by line and product type. Obviously. Lee interviews that they could do this later -- "I don't need to sleep," he lets us know -- and that right now they need to focus on marketing, while people are still awake. And he has a point, but on the other hand, if you guys weren't doing your best to fuck it up, you could have had the shelves done in an hour. So he's right, and it's Charmaine's bad, but she does nothing to take care of the situation or re-delegate. He tries to explain the concept of "selling" to Charmaine, but she's not interested, and Lee whines. Charmaine interviews that they're treating her less like the PM and more like "just some girl on the team." Which is true, and makes them dicks, but she doesn't really do anything to work around it.
Tarek gets the "happy family of hair products" speech, and he explodes petulantly (and falsely) about "Fuck! I don't know!" Charmaine, irritated, interviews that there's no compelling reason to listen to these guys and their genius ideas when they know nothing about the product or the business, and we get to watch Lee and Michael giggle as Tarek orders Charmaine around about fixing what he just fucked up. It's so freaking stupid. They are all three such assholes, and I blame Lee and Michael for being weak, but we knew that, so I am more disappointed in Tarek, because he's doing nothing to move the task forward, just fucking with Charmaine for the short-term pleasure of feeling like he's not under her control. Tarek tells us -- over freaky footage of stupid Michael measuring the distance between bottles of shampoo with an actual ruler -- about how Charmaine and Michael "always focus on idiotic crap," and that they need to "take a step back" and realize that what's important is revenue. Which is going to come from the product, which he doesn't understand apparently, but also requires the actual traffic, which Charmaine doesn't seem to get. The three boys shuffle and fuck around at the shelves and Lee exclaims brightly, "Three guys taking orders from a lady!" Like it's opposites day and they should all be wearing their underwear on their heads. Nobody wants to know this about guys; it's like seeing them on the toilet. In the background, Charmaine is less horrified than just disgusted, and up front, all three of them laugh like fuckwads.
This week's firing poll: Lee 18%, Allie 16%, Charmaine 15%. No idea why.
Opening day! Outside the Gold Rush store, there's a banner tied to crappy-looking orange traffic cones, with black and white and yellow balloons, looking busted as fuck and unreadable. Oh dear. The Rushees do a hands-in with their staff, yelling "Make People Happy!", and then the staffers go off to wonder why they needed a "theme," and why the gay one kept pretending he'd never been in a salon before. Michael interviews that Charmaine sent Lee and Tarek out to post flyers, which I would say is her second mistake. The sabotage here is not coming from a desire to see her fired, it's coming from an inability to deal with Charmaine being PM. It's not personal with her, it's personal for them -- and so close to the center of it that they can't even see it for what it is. It's as gross as ever. Charmaine and Michael stay and half-heartedly harass people in the parking lot, and then there's lots of footage: cute guy getting a haircut, people doing their jobs, Charmaine looking amazing in the breezeway outside with a straight gray skirt, Charmaine pointing to a random in the parking lot and Michael noting that the man in question is bald. It's kind of fun, but mostly depressing, because they're in the Strip Mall of Death, where stores come like elephants to die, and she should've noticed that yesterday.
Lee and Tarek mince around flyering cars everywhere and talking about how "face-to-face" marketing is so important, but there are no faces, because everybody's too busy shopping and driving their cars from place to place. This isn't the first time Tarek's been mystified by the concept of other people having shit to do. Lee is nervous about the Cuttery foot traffic, as well he should be; Tarek is sleepy, which also makes sense considering how hard he's been working to fuck up this task for the last 24 hours. At the place, Charmaine and Michael are getting more and more stressed at the boneyardiness of it all. "You're a guy, go talk to them," she hisses at one point. Charmaine interviews her worries, illustrating things in a way you'd need an economics degree to understand: "I'm scared because there are not a lot of people coming in, so there are not a lot of transactions -- not a lot of high-dollar-amount transactions." I think what she's saying is that the most necessary ingredient in selling something is having somebody to buy it, but whatever, I'm not in Mensa, I didn't even go to Wharton. I can't even spell "demand curve." Lee and Tarek walkie Michael and giggle like shitty little baby boy-children about how "great" it's going, and they laugh and laugh and bitch and moan and angle their mutual masturbation in such a way that the van driver has no idea what's going on, or at least doesn't let on. Which is classy of him. Tarek interviews about his "buildup of frustration" with "this girl," and discounts Michael's opinion out of hand because he "hasn't worked with her," so how could he know how horribly she behaves? As though she has will and a mind of her own? Sends chills down your manly spine. They laugh and talk shit about how Charmaine is a woman so she's probably getting her hair done, and then, because God hates me and this episode was edited by a person with an even uglier mind than Tarek's...
...Cut to Charmaine, getting her hair done, discussing at length the process and procedures and details of the various tools and products that they use in the salon. Which is annoying today, but would have been really cool of them to do yesterday, instead of playing with shampoo bottles apparently all day, for no reason. Bill walks in and Charmaine's eyes go a bit wide. "They're making me happy?" she tells him brightly, while in the corner, Michael soils himself. In the van, Tarek does another Charmaine impression about how they should "awl go hold hands in Kentucky" and Lee laughs for no fucking reason, because it's stupid; back at the ranch, Charmaine quasi-whines to Bill about how the team is made of "strong personalities" (read: "Tarek is an asshole and the others are his bitches") and that it's hard to make them listen, but Bill just stares into space, bored, because Charmaine's just a woman, so how could she possibly be saying anything important. Tarek and Lee laugh and laugh, oh how they gaily laugh, about nothing in particular beyond the fact that it's fun to indulge your hatred and fear of the ladies sometimes, when you're with like-minded fellows, and it's disgusting, and then they have a ten-minute conversation about what they'll wear to the Boardroom, and what will best compliment their eyes, and whose skin is softer and more radiant, and whose hands are more soothing to the touch, and what they think they'd be like as fathers, and how do you get your calves so hunky, and what kind of moisturizer do you use, and can I feel your pecs, and we should go work out together sometime, and what's your best deltoid routine, and who gives the best blowjobs.
Lee hopes, from where his head is resting on Tarek's wide, strong shoulder, that "Maybe Synergy's having the same problems," but that seems unlikely, considering there are no men on that team either, and at least there's not one single woman to carry the burden for an entire gender. Allie is aggressive, knowledgeable, and adorable telling customers lies or truths or something about the various products: "just a little bit of protein, not too much," "that's my favorite leave-in conditioner!" and stuff like that. She interviews: "I don't care who you are, you're buying product." And she does it, crazy fast and very well, tossing "Buy Two Get One Free" and "25% Off" at the people like bullets from a cute little bobblehead tommygun. Tammy runs outside and stands with Sean, looking at the vista of an empty parking lot and the Marshall's in the distance, telling him about how Allie just sold six products to a single customer. Inside, Roxanne is totally friendly with everybody, and Carolyn says something I've been unable to catch but I'm fairly sure is approving, while outside, Tammy shivers a bit from the cold, and Sean manfully rubs her shoulder for a moment because that's just the chivalrous kind of guy he is. Tammy interviews that she's pretty sure she did a good job, and we cut to a kid smiling cutely, so you know she's safe.
Into the Boardroom, where Trump asks Tammy how she liked her salon. She loved it, of course, and she feels good about how they did. Trump asks Charmaine, and she writes a big novel for him called I Simply Don't Know Why People Call Me A Crybaby, But I Can Tell You That Our Foot Traffic Was For Shit. Tarek smirks like he's somehow the guy who denied her foot traffic. Which he kind of was, and kind of makes him a scum-sucking dick. He tells Trump that Charmaine was "average" as a PM, and Trump makes heap big laughter about "So much for dating Charmaine!" Everybody laughs hysterically, and Tarek says that yes, it's over between them. "It was over a long time ago," says Charmaine with a smile, and his grin drops clattering to the table. These people are so fucking boring.
Final report: Synergy sold $363 in product to the customers, for a total of $1005.47. Bill says that Rush didn't really have "a lot of direction," and their total was $700 overall. Yeeowch. Charmaine nods -- I wonder if she is even capable of admitting in her own mind that this is her fault? -- and Tammy is super-happy. Charmaine is sad as Trump tells Tammy she's won a "great, conclusive victory," and Lee looks physically ill. Whatever. I thought the four-way firing last season was stupid because they didn't all equally deserve it, but this bullshit debacle? Charmaine should go for letting them do that to her, Tarek should go for his inability to work as a team member, Michael should go for being a scary weirdo with something up him, and Lee should go far, far away and jump off a pier, because he is gross. I never thought I would miss Adam this much. Or at all.
Oh man, funny story. My friend Greg was sitting at DC Reagan airport when he heard a loud-talker trying to be noticed, and it was Adam, talking on his cellie about "the recap." I'm not saying he was talking about this site or me necessarily, but I will say that this was December first, which would mean that this episode aired that night, and this recap had most recently gone live. And what he was saying was that the recap made him look bad, and wondering "what they'd do this week." Considering I've never gotten as much as a dirty look from any of the candidates, I can hardly be accused of desperation if that story makes me chuckle. On the other hand, the only time I actively disliked him was on the task he got fired, and looking at the group of assholes this season, he's on my list of okay folks with a bullet at this point. I just don't get the hate! All I did was call him a half-gay home-schooled virgin loser for ten weeks straight -- what's so terrible about that? Not to mention that, in my opinion, it's more than outweighed by saying he made a very sexy Padawan. I will never understand these people!
Heh. So anyway, the reward. Because this task was ostensibly "all about style," Trump is sending Synergy to the arbiter of all style: Burt Bacharach. I don't remember a reward in the history of this show that I would ever want to take part in, but for once, I'm wretchedly jealous. Burt Bacharach is my Jon Stewart, my Nolan Ryan, my everything. I love him with a stupid love. So they'll be meeting him at Steinway Hall, "in midtown," and write a song with him. Sitting at his piano! I hate the songwriting tasks, and I know that it's going to be a bloodbath, but MAN! I could cry. That is so fucking cool. Burt plays piano wearing a dirty shirt, under a windbreaker, under a lavender sweater thrown over his shoulders, and still looks cool as Bruce Lee. Roxanne tells us about how Burt wrote all the songs you've ever heard of, all the songs you didn't know you'd heard of...all in all, "over 473" hits. "That's huge!" she shouts. They all smile so cutely and sweetly at him, and he tells them that he's got a piece he's working on that doesn't have any words. It's called "In Our Time," which is...where things go horribly wrong, and don't ever stop.
He says that "In Our Time," as a concept, is "kind of applicable" to what they've been going through, but does not explain this cryptic and possibly Santana/drug-influenced perspective. Sean's lip wriggles creepily at Burt, and Burt starts playing the song, and they all whip out notebooks. Fade to a second later, where they're brainstorming with all the sense of fun and whimsy -- and lyrical originality -- you'd expect. "Laughter...something...and tears," Allie suggests. That's the level we're dealing with. Tammy notes that "careers" rhymes with "tears," and Sean and Allie are like, "No." Somewhat at length, in Allie's case. Tammy cutely says, "Don't be knockin'!" but it's clear she feels jumped on, even though they're all just thinking out loud. Sean and Allie team up on her some more, and Tammy interviews about how what could have been a team-building exercise was turned into a pogrom by Allie, who "just stirs the pot." It's a bit naïve to think that these four task-oriented machine people could actually have fun with this activity, but it's sweet. They continue to write the awful, dumb song, and Tammy wishes to us aloud that Allie weren't "such a little bulldog" and wouldn't "make Sean feel like the outcast," and that they could "all just have love...like the World Needs Now!" She cracks her own shit up with that one. Man, Tammy's pretty. When she's around.
They sing their words, which I have transcribed here. Notable: Roxanne has a great voice, Allie's is more powerful than you might think, and Sean is a whiny bastard even in the language of music.
"In Our Time," by Burt Bacharach and Some Dorks
Oh what a time
What a time it was
We were young
We were strong
We were true
We held on
We had faith
And we grew
As one
For the dawn that would last
Through the years
Those years.
Isn't that pretty? Dumb? Burt tells them they did a "very good" job, and Allie goes, "Awww."
American flags! Flags upon flags! Scary cool music! New camera tricks! Up in the suite, Lee asks Charmaine what she's thinking, and she says nothing, except for how he's going to throw her under the bus. He says he's not going to unless she attacks him directly, which I wish she would do but she's clearly too smart to do. She interviews that she's "not prepared to go head-to-head with Lee," but that she "won't have to." Why? Because she and Lee are BFF. He tells her that they have it in their power to "steer this whole situation" wherever the two of them "want to go." Lee tells her -- no self-interest at all in play -- that she'd be better off going in one-on-one with Tarek, because Trump doesn't like Tarek, doesn't think he's doing a good job, and thinks Charmaine's great. All true. Charmaine: "If I could call anyone an ally, it would be [Lee]," because though he's not vocal about supporting her, he won't speak negatively about her either. "So he's as good as it gets," she admits grimly. And she's right about that too. He wishes her luck, "darlin'," and she thanks him kindly.
Lee runs straight to Tarek: "We're both going to say she needs to be fired." They practice their complaints about how Charmaine and Michael were at the store the entire day, but sold no products, and Lee, still trying to impress Tarek with how much of a freakin' player he is, is all, "Not only that...we have a lot of stuff, obviously..." And they talk about how the spent the whole first day screwing around with the boxes of product, and that in the time it took them to screw that up completely for no reason except being vapid idiots and whiny bitches, they could have given flyers and marketed to like a hundred people. If they'd gotten just "six more ladies" into the salon, they could have clinched it. But again, the thing Lee is missing is that standing around bitching for that entire time doesn't exempt him from the fact that they didn't get that done. Tarek interviews that Lee's on his side, and Lee continues listing the things they had no control over whatsoever, because Susan B. Anthony had them all handcuffed to their mommies' madeleines or whatever stupid shit, like how she wouldn't let them brainstorm about "the products or whatever," because she was so concerned about value-add stuff like cost of services and the system of discounts. Tarek interviews that Lee is a "good guy," "religious" to the point where he "doesn't want to lie," and Tarek respects him for that. Two down!
Lee gets naked and comes to Michael, telling him that Charmaine will do their bidding in the Boardroom, though Tarek won't. If all three boys are in the Boardroom, that's too many cooks in, so Tarek needs to stay out of the Boardroom. Huh. I'm not sure even Lee is clear on his overall agenda with all this lying and whatever, but the self-image of himself as "wheeler-dealer" is demonstrably more important than getting results, considering he can always take credit for unrelated shit at a later time to preserve his feeling of control over all living things. Anyway, that's three.
An Asian man in a business tie smashes a racist cement block with one fist, while proudly holding his sandwich aloft. Three hipsters (mesh cap/Neil Young burns; black glasses music nerd; temporary neck-tied slave to The Man) roll up their sleeves and show off their negligent muscles, as they raise their sandwiches to their mouths, in unison, not unlike Rosie the Riveter: "I am strong (STRONG!) / I am starved (STARVED!)..." One construction worker sucker punches another, both of them still holding firmly to their sandwiches. It's a sign of love, but also of excitement! Thanks to the Burger King! Nothing for the Dairy Queen, not today! Skinny, teenage cheerleaders do their routine against a building, no breasts, no body hair, as a man rips off his underwear from inside his pants and tosses it into an open flame (that part was weird). The men line up behind him, thinking of things that they can burn away in this rebirth. "I am incorrigible!" Somewhere, Helen Reddy realizes that she was basically the Leni Riefenstahl of women's hegemonic control of mankind, and hides her face, ashamed.
The men take to the highway, causing a minivan to swerve to a stop before their awesome tide. "And you can't keep a big burger beef bacon jalapeno good thing down..." There is silence as the minivan door opens, and a father steps out. What will he do? Is he in too deep? Is it possible that his whipping by the pussy will pause long enough for him to eat a hamburger? YES! He jumps to his feet proudly, throws his hands in the air -- at last, he is free. Free of bullshit like women, and kids -- free to eat the sandwiches of freedom. Fists and sandwiches are raised to the sky as the men -- all across the city, the country, the world, proudly raise their barbaric sandwich yawp: "YEAH!" The men's smiles fade somewhat as they -- as a group -- lift the minivan by its sides ("Do Not Attempt," says the screen) like a Watts riot of misogyny, and plunge it over a bridge and into a garbage truck, which is being pulled along by a an old, bulky man wrapped in chains. (This part is also weird.) "I am hungry / I am incorrigible..." A young woman with no face and lots of tits holds a sandwich out to the pulling man on a shovel, tempting him with manhood. "I am man!" scream the men on the bridge, watching the old man reaching for his sandwich, pulling the garbage truck in which they've deposited their fatherhood, their couplehood -- their enslavement. "Eat Like A Man, Man," says the screen, above a BK logo.
Perhaps we all will. And then we can all go to a White Power rally. Oh, you're not Caucasian? Sorry, you're not invited. It's really about celebrating how great it is to be white. Why would that be a problem? Stop screaming! You can eat the hamburgers, ladies, if you really want to -- you're just not allowed to celebrate them with us. It's a man thing.
Charmaine's not happy, heading into the BR. Trump asks what went wrong, and she levels with the facts: "We failed to capitalize on the products as a source of revenue, and Synergy did $300 more in sales." She tells them that she wasn't a bad PM, and Carolyn zeroes in: "You take no blame?" Charmaine replies, idiotically, that it's not really that hard for her to say that she "wasn't at fault," and that the entire failure was no solely her fault. Dumb, just like every week when she says this. Carolyn asks what her stupid plan was anyway, "put flyers on cars a mile and a half away?" Charmaine says her strategy was more about one-on-one interaction, not so much with the flyers, because haircuts don't sell themselves that way. Carolyn jumps tracks: "You had five stylists in there doing nothing, while you four ran around handing out flyers." Bill gleefully jumps in: "Actually it was dead when I came in, and they were doing your hair." Charmaine admits that without shame, and Trump's confused. She explains that one of them "needed to go through the process," so they could tell customers what makes the Hair Cuttery different and better. I don't disagree in theory, but it was a bad idea to do it on Day Two, and honestly it wasn't necessary in this task, period. Trump's like, "Like so you would sell better, if you liked it?" She tries to explain it, but nobody's really convinced that this was worthwhile. I just think it looked stupid. Bill says that she could have been out in the lot during the time it took for her to "experience" the salon, and that bringing in a possible ten or fifteen customers in that time would have won the task. He's saying the right thing in the wrong way, restricting it to that probable one-hour period instead of just using it as an example for her lack of marketing initiative.
Trump asks Lee what the issues were, and Lee says that there were "areas of opportunity" that they missed, and scoffs when Trump asks if any of that is his fault. Bill asks Lee if he was particularly hard to manage -- so I guess he was listening to parts of Charmaine's bitching sentences -- and Trump laughs about how of course not, because...yep, you got it: he's such a fucking "politician." Do they even need to show up for these things? Really? All he sees is stick figures with one-word cartoon faces and occasional breasts anyway. Charmaine says that Lee was maybe "a little difficult," but that nobody really could ever compare to Tarek. Trump says drolly, "Tarek's tough, huh?" And because Trump's got a smile on his face, Tarek busts a hump: "I always get that, Mr. Trump!" Like it's something to be fucking proud of. But Trump hates Tarek anyway, no matter how much ill-advised ass he smooches, so he's like, "All right, whatever. Settle, you." He asks Michael whom he should fire, and Michael gets scary and weird and stupid-sounding. "The person who was most difficult to manage. When you look at a team of four, all struggling for the same goal, they need to work together, need to be managed, and if one person is causing mismanagement because of attitude and the way they act, you look at that person and say, 'Why?' And you look at the PM and say, 'Are they doing their best?'"
Trump blows a gasket about how "very well-stated" that complete lack of opinion was, and Michael thanks him and returns to injecting bleach into his eyeballs or measuring his toes over and over and over or whatever somebody that fucking weird does for fun. Tarek begins, "In my own defense..." and again, Trump shuts him the hell down. It's satisfying to see Trump's utter dislike and disinterest in Tarek's mess. I like Tarek, basically, even though his issues are boring and cause him to act like a fuck-up most of the time, but it's still kind of like Christmas. I don't remember Trump just hating anybody this much. But then, I've never seen him in the kind of total gay love with anybody as he was when this started up. He turns back to Michael about how it was a "beautiful statement," even though it was...not a declaration of anything in particular, just a simple proof: when the team fucks up, you look at the leader and you look at the team, and you determine who caused the issue. Isn't that beautiful? He should be a published poet. Michael responds in the most asinine, unbelievable manner possible: "I believe it. When you believe something from your heart, it's hard not to say things like that." Tarek bursts out laughing; I have never loved Tarek until this moment. My God, Michael. What the EFF is wrong with you? Trump gets super-pissed at him for making fun of Michael, because that means he's making fun of Trump, which can never happen, because he's "smarter" than Trump, which is all there is to Tarek. He's so fired; it's over. He doesn't know to lie down yet, but he just died. ...But it was kind of worth it, because that was fucking embarrassing, that little non-speech followed by that little I-don't-know-what, and Trump should be made fun of for getting so drippy about it.
Charmaine jumps on the "Michael is the finest orator" train with a quickness. I always did like that girl. "I don't think Michael is dramatic at all -- Tarek seems to get so defensive if he thinks nobody's on his side..." Trump asks if they didn't fight a lot, Tarek and Charmaine, and they agree that they did. Tarek offers, by way of explanation, that Charmaine is an emotional rollercoaster, and instead of returning the serve and pointing out that Tarek is a petulant child who pisses and sabotages whenever he doesn't get to be in charge, but has never had a creative thought in his life, she goes on this whole thing -- Carolyn's eyes like stoplights on her face -- how she's acted as Tarek's "biggest fan," how she was the very happiest cheerleader in Trump Tower when Tarek survived his first Boardroom as PM, but that he never seemed to "relinquish...that title of PM." Because in the Burger Kingdom, you have to ask politely. She describes the personal journey of Charmaine, where in retrospect, every single task was basically completely under his control, because he wouldn't let the PM do anything or be in control at all. I throw up my hands -- she can go too. That's a stupid fucking bunch of nothing to say: "He wouldn't stop managing the entire process! He was unstoppable! It was quite rude! But there was nothing I or anyone else could do, though we lost one hundred weeks in a row!"
Tarek says it's absolutely untrue, and adds like it's a related statement that Charmaine always leads by consensus, that "everybody has to agree," when in fact there's always a right or wrong answer. Charmaine, having been effectively led off-track from saying anything of import at all, says that's not how it works in creative tasks, and anyway, the "right" answer is not necessarily the Tarek answer, which is what he actually means. "The reality is, all we were trying to do throughout this task was support you, from beginning to end," he lies. He accuses her of being oversensitive, and takes her protest as license to bring up how she cries constantly, "more than anyone I've seen in my life," and she scoffs. "I've cried twice, and neither time had anything to do with you." He laughs arrogantly and makes a stupid face, and fuckin' Michael pipes the fuck up: "Charmaine did not cry on this task, Mr. Trump." Thanks for the help, weirdo. Tarek takes the handoff brilliantly and seamlessly: "Not on this task," he shouts, hoping to filibuster just long enough that Trump won't hear her explanation (that it happened in both cases in her room, and had nothing to do with business and everything to do with this being a reality TV game show)...yep, there it is: "I don't like crying," says Trump, who would seem to be comprehending less of things today than even usual. Lee sits quietly, his stupid forked tongue flicking around and eyelids nictitating.
Things proceed directly into the shitter. Tarek accuses Charmaine of wanting "everybody to love each other," and tries to explain the concept of "competition" and the intrinsic backbiting and sabotage that's so important in team activities where you're trying as a group to get things done...and Trump interrupts. "She said what she wants is for everybody to love each other? And you didn't take advantage of that? You are a schmuck." All the males in the room laugh uproariously, unending, raucous. I wait for the camera to fall on Carolyn, on Charmaine -- on Lee's religious integrity -- but the shot never comes.
I could only ever respect you, Tarek, if you'd initiated a gang rape. If only you'd pulled a train on old Charmaine, and lined up and fucked her one by one, and iced her down between them. Only if Charmaine had bent over for the erect cocks of Tarek Saab, and Lee Bienstock, and Michael Laungani, could I have respected you. But you couldn't get it done. You somehow couldn't engineer an orgy where you greased up and took turns fucking your female teammate and Project Manager, and for that, you will never earn my respect.
Trump plays to the laughter, interrupting Charmaine's attempt to explain how you can't move forward as a team if you hate each other, and says it again: "You're not a genius." And Lee keeps laughing. And Michael keeps laughing, and Bill keeps laughing, and Tarek keeps laughing, and there's no Carolyn at all. Finally, begrudgingly, Trump gives Charmaine leave to continue. "We can't move forward as a team if we don't get along," she says, and Tarek continues to scream about how throughout this process, you have to "struggle for that one end goal," and they argue about how that makes no sense if you're talking about actively working against the team, and he doesn't understand it, and given what we've just seen, how can you expect him to? To be male in America is to be broken. That's all any of you are saying. Charmaine says that, for example, she has friendships with Lee, and with Michael, and Tarek -- from his high horse -- tells the Viceroys via Charmaine that he would never "sacrifice the success of the team because of a friendship," which has nothing to do with it. Carolyn, desperate to somehow regain her place in the scheme of things, tells Charmaine straight up that she doesn't care who Charmaine's friends with, and again Charmaine clarifies that it's about getting along well together, and thus working well together.
Trump admits that Charmaine does seem to "get along very well with people," as though even he can't figure out when that became a sign of weakness, and Charmaine stupidly says that, for another example, the "whole team of Synergy" is "dying" to see her come back from the Boardroom, but Trump misunderstands and thinks she means the team sitting in front of him. "When you say the team wants you back...I don't know that Lee wants you back." Lee says he doesn't want Charmaine to go, because she's easy to work with, but then, he doesn't want Tarek to necessarily go, because he's a hard worker. Carolyn asks him to say something definitive for once, and is rebuffed: asked whether he's saying that because he thinks Charmaine is an easier competitor moving forward, and he says, rightfully affronted, that he never said anything remotely like that. Charmaine stares at the table, thinking she's fucked. Again. And not in the hilarious way where grown men wearing business suits, for whom we're supposed to be rooting, line up and fuck her, no, she means it in the metaphorical way where not even Carolyn or her own performance can save her. She lost the second Trump admitted what he just admitted about himself, on TV.
Bill asks Lee if she should be fired, take two, and Lee says that on this particular task, the PM wasn't proactive enough and didn't sell enough product while he and Tarek were off driving around and making out in the back of a van, still refusing to answer. Carolyn: "You are a politician!" No, Carolyn. He's a pisher. We've discussed this. Bill calls it a "safe answer," and Lee is like, "I know Trump always says 'politician' but I don't honestly know what that means: I'm just kind of wormy and worthless, is all." Sooooo, asks Carolyn, should she be fired or not? Take three. "Not that she should be fired, but in terms of the task..." Tarek speaks up, noting that Lee has said this numerous times and it still means nothing. "In terms of this task..." Bill: "You're dancing a little bit, Lee." Lee kind of gives up, swimming in flopsweat, so Tarek jumps back in: "There's no question: Charmaine doesn't have the capability to lead a company." She says not only can she do that, but she can also be a team player. "You are totally incapable of running anything," he says, and she gives up the ghost entirely, exhausted and pissed and mortified: "I'm incapable of running you," by which she means that he's an asshole, but basically comes off saying that she's not competent to deal with problem employees. Which is only a problem in the real world if those employees are also good at something, or else you fire them. This is dumb. Michael stares ahead weirdly, worried about things in general.
Tarek brings up the old chestnut about how he gets singled out not for being obstructionist and a prig, but because he's so proactive and "vocal," and Charmaine reminds him how they've never gone with a single one of his ideas, but leaves out the part where that happens because he has none; Tarek keeps yelling. "If you really think you're going to win this by being louder than me...?" she says. He is, kind of. "All I'm saying is that I wanna finish my point," he screams. Note: if somebody says "listen" to you in that tone of voice, it's not because you're not listening, it's because they're not feeling heard, generally because what they're saying is either stupid or pointless, and they're not getting what they want. Back away from that shit, because they're in a place. Tarek spends most of his days in that place, so it's even more scary-snaky there than usual. "I want to question his integrity, Mr. Trump." Tarek gives a very Andrea "of course you do" non-reply to that one. "He has lied in front of a potential future employee..." Tarek just screams over and over and over about "Just let me finish! Just let me finish!" and she turns a cool eye to him: "So you can lie?"
"I'm not fit to lead you -- and neither is anybody. Maybe Mr. Trump is the only person that can." No, I think Mommy, actually. "You can't lead this team!" Tarek screams, and reaches way back to Lennyville: "You are the most negative person on the team every single time!" Trump -- and he's right -- once again calls bullshit on this. There's a reason Tarek never says anything we haven't heard before. Charmaine tells him that Trump's right: "I'm not negative, Tarek." And he freaks out again: "She's negative! She is negative, Mr. Trump!" And Trump just stares at him like they've not met: "Quite the opposite." Normally the enemy of your enemy is your friend, but I fucking hate these people so much I just want a bomb to drop on Trump Tower. Maybe Roxanne and Tammy and Charmaine could escape, but honestly it would be worth it to lose them too. This fucking nasty show.
"She is a whiner and a nagger throughout the entire process!" screams Tarek, and Charmaine looks at him cross-eyed. "A whiner and a nagger?" Michael weakly protests, and Charmaine asks if he really doesn't mean that she refuses to buy into his bullshit, but Tarek's too busy now screaming at Michael to stop having an opinion, because he has no right to have any of those, or to speak in the Boardroom. Cobra, cobra, cobra. I would fire him for pulling this shit on an assistant, much less a colleague, because it means he'd do it to a client just as easily. He is not in control. Cobra. This is so freaking stupid.
Trump screams over Tarek: "Charmaine, Charmaine..." Instead of telling him to go get his ass fucked by the Fortune 500 like she bloody well should, she turns to him deferentially. "Yes, Mr. Trump?" He says that she's not negative, because she's "very, very attractive," and mentions other nebulous things she has going for her that he doesn't have time to enumerate. "I think you probably lost because of bad decisions, and really some bad leadership decisions in this case. I think there was some weak leadership. You can't control this guy -- he's a maniac. He's supposed to have this great IQ; I don't know...maybe Mensa made a mistake..." Huh? Back to the train of thought, you old fucker. I hate when he loses his place like that. Tarek swallows. "But you can't control him whatsoever. A leader has to control the people that they're leading, so Charmaine, you're fired."
Silence. Charmaine stands, and somewhere, Allie lies prostrate before a stone altar, with bright knives by her side, and thanks her Dark Lords that she didn't get fired last week for...the exact same fucking thing. Charmaine stands, and Trump says, "Wait one second." The word "prolapse" suddenly holds specific and powerful meaning for Tarek Saab.
"Tarek. You're a very smart guy, you've got a lot of things going for you. But man, you're impossible to lead. I don't know where you're coming from!" Tarek says he'd appreciate another opportunity, but Trump continues to wax befuddled. "You have a good day, you have a bad day; you're a wonderful leader, you're bad as a follower; you have these outstanding moments, and then you have these moments of great, great failure. But you really are impossible to lead, and a great leader also has to know how to be led. And you...don't know how to be led. Tarek, you're fired." Lee becomes a man right there in his pants. Mazel tov.
Michael and Lee board one elevator, Charmaine and Tarek get on the other one, smiling broadly and chatting easily. He leans over to say something -- they seem to just be relieved to be the hell out of there. I don't blame them. I'm kind of giggling hysterically now too. Inside, Trump says he "liked both of those people," but it was "just so obvious." I have to say that I do agree with his reasoning: she failed the task, he fails life. Boom. Easy. Carolyn's not so sure: "I think it could've gone either way." I don't know what she means. I like to think that she's actually a sleeper agent and that around the Live Finale one year she's going to start screaming and jump across the table with a knife or garroting wire screaming "BASTA!" and that'll be the end of Donald Trump. Especially this week. Bill sighs exhaustedly -- but still with a hint of terror -- about how it's "coming down to the wire," and Carolyn giggles. Trump, one hand underneath the table and out of sight for some reason, hums to himself. "That should be an interesting cab ride; they'll be fighting all the way home."
Man, though, I wish they would make out. At least give us something out of this worthless fucking episode. But no. In the cab, Charmaine stares slightly to our left, chewing gum and nearly laughing, while Tarek smirks nervously and blinks out the window. They're either deadly pissed, or near tears, or about to laugh their asses off. Probably all of the above, if they have any humanity left at all.
In conclusion: this show can go gang-rape itself. Better luck week.