Creepiness is tied to the Y-chromosome, immigration through Ellis Island was sometimes a hassle, and just because people say they are experts at a thing doesn't mean they are experts at the thing. That's just a little bit of the info in store with tonight's episode, which -- for confusion's sake -- comes hot off the trail of an episode two weeks ago that was in a weird timeslot and which nobody saw. The task: design a souvenir program about Ellis Island to benefit the Ellis Island Statue of Liberty National Park. Or whatever the name of the park actually is, since you basically get those words shot at you in random order throughout the episode. Gold Rush PM Lee talks a big hubristic game again, but does everything right, again, leading his team to an irritating victory. Only Charmaine seems upset about this at all, even though I don't know how you can be in a room with his smug ass for more than five minutes without tossing him out a window. Their strategy: create a better brochure, and sell it to the tourists boarding the Ellis Island ferry, effectively hitting their very specific demographic and cutting them off from Synergy altogether. A last-second bulk sale by Charmaine helps, but the margin's so wide (they win by double) that it's not the huge deal it could have been. Synergy, meanwhile, goes into a most magnificent meltdown as self-proclaimed graphic design expert Andrea fucks up the brochure, then becomes a self-proclaimed bulk sales expert one useless hour before the task ends, then in the BR becomes a logistics/implementation expert -- albeit the kind who set up skeet-shooting over the heads of young children on the GM task. The greatest thing about all this expertise is that she's not the PM -- that's the increasingly hilarious Allie, who at one point utters the immortal words, about the final Boardroom: "There's going to be blood on the walls. There's going to be blood on the walls. There's going to be fucking blood everywhere." Andrea tries to brainwash Sean, and succeeds just like the entire team knew she would. The brainwashing is not strong enough to fool Trump and his children-Viceroys this week, and they send Andrea home summarily based on the fact that everyone hates her in the world.
Remember last episode, when Leslie...oh, back up. Remember Leslie? No? Okay, she was blonde and looked like Mariah Carey and she didn't last very long once she started talking, which was about five minutes before she got fired. She let Lee run all over the place trying to be Gordon Gekko and showing his ass, and then took him, solely, into the Boardroom after she failed to sell as many "pizza sandwiches" as Andrea, who had some lovely hats. Carolyn was not happy about the whole "Lee only" thing, because she knew what it would get Leslie -- a fat load of "Who?" Everybody left so Lee and Leslie could get down to the business of acting like giant stupid assholes, especially Lee, except for Charmaine, who took a moment to let Trump know that she is a big tattletale crybaby. Duly noted.
Once upstairs, the weird caged-rat scenario heats up for the eighth and craziest time yet. Roxanne and Tammy are like, "What is going on?" Charmaine floats the suggestion that Leslie will prevail, qualifying this opinion with the possible caveats that she could be (a) just dumb, or (b) wishfully thinking. She's not a dumb lady, but in this case, it's more of a Chinese-takeout column-combo deal. Downstairs in the Boardroom, Trump tries to explain to Leslie that, while Lee is a disgusting, immature, puling chump, he was right about the fact that $8 is too much for a pizza sandwich you're just going to puke later anyhow; Leslie in turn tries to explain to Trump that, while she was ineffective, math-challenged, and did nothing to manage the disgusting Lee, he's still so awful that he should be fed to dogs. And that his conversational etiquette is lacking and leaves much to be desired. (Much what? Much fucking silence.) And while all of this is true, Trump's point is truer. Upstairs, we get a looooong fucking look at Leslie's depressing, lovely birthday cake, waiting quietly for its mistress to dispatch the little pisher and hotfoot it back up there for some Chardonnay and cumpleaños. Tammy overstates the drama somewhat here, noting that if she were fired from a retarded game show on her birthday, she "would never want another birthday" again, forevermore. "Where's Charmaine?" someone asks, as they continue to worry about Leslie's chances, and continue to attempt to remember what she looks like. And where's Charmaine? Typing very angrily in the corner. Very. Angrily. Lee comes back in, Leslie-free, and Charmaine exclaims loudly, "Oh, shit!" Nice. She comes in looking like death and shooting glares everywhere and just completely lacking in perspective, and they all sit down to a group dinner in which Lee: tells everybody he likes Leslie a lot, claims she "fought the hardest" of "all the people [he's] fired," steps right over the inordinately stupid and creepy delusional sentiment inherent in that statement, ignores Charmaine's pointed correction ("All the people you've been with in the Boardroom, you mean?") and repeats that Leslie "probably fought the hardest." That's just...gross.
Quick Quiz: True or False?
1. You are Donald Trump, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. True or False?
2. Telling people how awesome you are will convince people that you are awesome. True or False?
3. Telling people how much you deserve the high life will convince people that you are classy. True or False?
4. Theoretical kick-ass deals that fall through are still kick-ass. True or False?
5. Having been put up as a pawn, twice, somehow shows that you're a fucking karate master in the Boardroom. True or False?
6. People can honestly be expected to believe that Trump and his closest advisors have requested that you be Project Manager on the task, despite being brought into the Boardroom on almost every loss. True or False?
7. The fact that you've been absent from two tasks is not so much a non-point against you as it is a point in your favor. True or False?
8. Nothing makes people want to be your friend like telling them your fucked-up theory about how they are only ants who exist for you to crush one by one. True or False?
Answer Key: On every level, Lee is a fucking fuck-up.
Charmaine asks whether Trump had anything to say about her, like, her whole embarrassing shot-in-the-dark "You forgot to ask me my opinion/assign homework" deal, and Lee says no, and there's deadly silence, and then Lee tells her he's not mad at her. She's like, "Awesome, douche," and he goes on and on about how "Honestly, not mad, everything's so cool" and she finally tells him, "Perfect." He then lies and tells the whole group that Trump and the Viceroys have requested that he be PM on the task. I hate him so much. That's so stupid. Tarek is like, "They...said that? Did they?" And he tells them yes, and that his seat in the Boardroom has his "ass imprinted" on it. "This is ridiculous already!" he says, and word to that. It's not every day you get to see a mortifying chucker like this get what's coming to him. It's also not today that you see it, but I feel like you will, and soon, because the things he just pulled are...insupportable. So gross and silly and childish and embarrassing. Did you ever have the friend that discovered the poetry website that will "pay" for and "publish" their poetry because it's just so good that they had to give the poem an award? Sad, you know? But also makes you want to boil their entire head.
All through the episode, this annoying bumper keeps coming up all about "vote at home on who should be fired and you could win $10K" and they call it "Get Rich With Trump!" So it's less of an "interactive" deal like they told us pre-season, and more of an informal poll-slash-sweepstakes. By the end of the broadcast, they'll announce the person with the most anti-votes, and also the person who won the ten grand.
Trump and Ivanka and creepy Donald Jr. hang out with creepier Ameriquest guy, and Trump's like, "Tell me all about it!" and the guy says that Ameriquest is doing great, but like, when is that not true? Trump welcomes the Apprenti, and tells Lee he "barely escaped last night" and that it was "a lot closer" than Lee would "probably think." Lee informs Trump that it actually wasn't that close, and that Trump is wrong and Lee is right. Whatever. Trump introduces his kids, his "true Apprenti," and mentions that they both graduated Wharton. He makes a lame joke about how they need to do a good job as Viceroys, because they "know who [they] report to," and everybody laughs nervously, especially the kids, because can you imagine if Trump was your dad every single day? You'd love him -- he's lovable -- but you'd end up with some kind of eye-rolling tic that would make you look deranged. Maybe that's why his kids all have those unmoving death masks whenever they're not talking. Also, Junior has the toad pout, and it's just as awful on him as on his dad, and I think that's the only reason I don't like him as much as Ivanka, because I don't have a problem with any of the stuff he says. I do feel bad about saying he smelled like roofies or whatever last season.
Trump International Hotel and Tower, Trump says. Praised by "Condie Nest," he says. Andrea smiles quietly to herself. "Ellis Island is hallowed ground," he says. We don't immediately cut to Sean, which for this show is something like saintly forbearance. The people that came to Ellis Island had "the American Dream," and there's a company that had "the American Dream," and that company is...Ameriquest. Nicely done. I'm sure that there are many parallels to be drawn between desperate, hopeful, strong, determined refugees and a predatory lending company, if you put your mind to it. The Ameriquest dude, incidentally, looks oily and tattooed and gross, but never grosser than when he says that Ameriquest is "the proud sponsor of the American Dream." Thanks, Ameriquest. One question: where did you put it? He says being involved in a tertiary and barely on-camera manner with the concept of Ellis Island is an honor. So gross on so many levels. The task: take boats to Ellis Island and take some pictures, then create a souvenir tourist program in a "limited edition" for the National Park there, and sell them on Day 2 to benefit the monument and park. The team to get the most money total for the park wins. Trump begs, begs, begs Gold Rush to stop sucking, and they promise to try.
There's lots of bullshit America music. A flag. Another flag. Tarek telling his team what he can bring to the task, which is writing, because he's a "pretty good writer" because he has a "liberal arts degree." I would die to see what creative efforts he will unleash, but we don't really get to see much of the brochures up close at any point. Michael gives a similarly decisive "I'm pretty good with photography," and Charmaine says she can contribute sales experience to the Stone Soup of brilliance they're cooking up. She floats the idea of calling local hotels and selling the brochures in bulk so that they can offer them to their lodgers as "added value." Lee says he has complete confidence. Cut to Lee printing out thousands upon thousands of pages from the internet of any web page with the word "hotel" in it, and Charmaine asking him to get real. He's very proud of the number of pages he came up with, and Charmaine tries in vain to explain to him the concept of targeting their marketing here, considering she's going to have to call each and every one of them. Great Lenny's Ghost sits on Lee's shoulder whispering white noise about how girls are stupid into his ear, so that he totally misses the part where she tries to get him to understand about how they need to target locally-owned businesses and not chains for her concept to actually work out. She interviews that the point is making money from the kind of people who would be interested, rather than seeing how many pages they can print out from the internet. He does not get it; he's just like, "But so many pages! Why are you being a bitch?" She calls a bunch of the hotels, all of which say no. The funniest one actually tells her outright that she's "wasting her time," and she hangs up before having a very intense conversation with the hung-up phone about "thanks for your encouragement" and "thanks for being so positive" and the hung-up phone's like, "Whatever, crybaby." Lee watches as she calls hotel after hotel, and tells us how "his eye" is on Lee right now, because Trump's like obsessed with Lee for some reason only Lee understands, and how "if [GR] lose five in a row," he's going home. Like five is the limit Trump has set for Lee to fail. This task, like any other that doesn't fall on a holiday, is really just an excuse for Trump to see what Lee's made of. They have got to be playing this idiot, because you can see what Lee is made of within five seconds of him opening his embarrassing, smug little mouth. And it is Grade A. Lee wigs and runs around and wishes his mom were there to explain to everybody how special and smart he is, like she always used to.
Synergy rides their ferry to Ellis Island as Allie explains to us that three of her grandparents came here through there, so it's important to her, and maybe she can make her grandparents proud by winning this one. Only if one of her grandparents was Lizzie Borden, which I'm not ruling out. She finds a very friendly and knowledgeable park ranger guy who tells her interesting facts, which Tammy notes down in her Handy-Dandy Notebook for possible inclusion in the brochure. So far, so smart. For example, the process was around four-and-a-half to seven hours on a good day, but less fortunate immigrants could wait eight months to get through. Jeez. As we watch Allie pumping this guy for Ellis Island info, Andrea pulls Roxanne aside -- thinking they're going to be on the same side, even though she did this same shit to Roxanne twice as bad -- and tells her how they're "wasting time" because you could just pick up brochures for that kind of info. And there's a way in which she is right, but also: how very creative of you, lady. "Many brochures at Liberty National Park agree, Ellis Island is quite a trippy experience." Go do some fucking yoga. Roxanne interviews, of course, that Andrea is an asshole and a half, and that if she's not in charge, everybody is wrong. Also valid. "Her sole goal in life is to make the Project Manager's life a living hell." I would say that's one of her goals, another being complete control of her digestive system and the lives and souls of everyone in her vicinity, but that's a whole other deal.
Andrea self-importantly interrupts so she can "recommend" to Allie that they come up with "an organized plan." "Not just for the ten minutes," she specifies, "but for today and tomorrow." Like Allie was (a) confused about what she meant and (b) had no such plan. I wonder if Allie didn't fully let Andrea in on the plan and Andrea just wasn't listening, or found it so stupid that she boomeranged it without even thinking it. Allie's like, "Okay, the plan is to take photos, right? Like we were all told to do this morning?" and Andrea tells her that she just doesn't want them "crunched for time." Which is what Andrea always says immediately after wasting a bunch of the Project Manager's time either directly, by having a huge fucking conversation about nothing, or by association, by screwing up the actual products of their work, like when she told Roxanne's bored couple on the cruise ship that they were being "too bored." Allie interviews how she was just like, "Get your scary face out of my face," when this bullshit came down, because there's totally a plan. Also that Andrea is "counterproductive," "condescending," and makes you "paranoid about the work you're trying to do." Which, again, means that Andrea should win this whole bitch, because that's all managers in all industries, everywhere. Allie is finally like, "We're done! We're done!" but Andrea's still talking, and finally just kind of trails off.
They all get on the ferry back to Battery Park, when Tammy realizes the Handy-Dandy Notebook is missing. "With all your notes?" "Yeah. With all the notes." Allie interviews about the "pages upon pages" that were so necessary that have gone missing. I realize that sucks, but the notebook is not crucial. You were both there, you both got the anecdotal stuff. You can make do. As long as you don't misremember basic factual shit ("Ellis Island is technically an isthmus," "The Statue Of Liberty is actually modeled after Lord Harold of Snodgrass, a former lover of Benjamin Franklin"), I think you'll be all right. Andrea, Roxanne, and Sean run all over the ferry freaking out as it starts up, with Allie and Tammy still not on board. Roxanne actually runs into the engineering room and screams at the Captain: "Where are you taking us?!" Allie and Tammy, having found the notebook, scream triumphantly, and then are forced to say goodbye as they watch the ferry recede in the distance. Allie interviews that OMG, she's "the leader of this team" and "they're leaving here" without her. Again: there's stuff you can do. You've got a walkie-talkie and all kinds of capabilities, and the ferry runs...let's see...every half hour, if I'm reading this right.
There's inclement weather during this broadcast, so I don't know what the Wisdom is officially called this week, but I gather that it's something to do with drawing a balance between your personal shit and the job you have to do. In Trump's case, business and his family of striking, unmoving faces. In Andrea's case, business, and her family of neuroses. There's some cute, cute footage of Ivanka in Trump's office, telling him that in fact yes, the real world is substantially different from college, and listening to him going on and on and on and loving him very, very much and trying desperately to get away. All of which is just as it should be. Somewhere in that fuzzy old mind, this season and this episode particularly are about showing us what a normal, loving, average family they are...and damned if they don't pull it off somewhat.
Gold Rush is at the graphics place, and Tarek's explaining to the designer how black-and-white photography gives you that olden-days feeling. Even the graphic designer seems to think Tarek's arrogance is somewhat adorable. "The point isn't today," Tarek explains, "but what it was." Later on we'll have to get Tarek to fill us in on that whole "sepia" morass of meaning and implication. Ivanka comes it and watches, and the team explains that they're going to marry their photos to quotes from various places, and that the cover, and possibly inside-cover, can be color ("today"), but the rest must be in monochrome ("what it was"). Lee is like, "Brilliant!" Ivanka interviews that Lee is basically "relying on Tarek to create the vision," which she thinks is a "huge responsibility" and which would have given her pause, as PM, to delegate. Tarek lectures Lee about this and that, and because Lee has no initiative or drive of his own beyond the ongoing marketing scheme about his awesomeness, he's nodding and very excited. As Charmaine puts it: "If somebody walked in, they'd think that Tarek was PM." The reason for this is that...he is, for all intents and purposes. Which is scary in its own right, but at least Tarek's capable of evolving. She tells us that she really wants to win, but will get a little pissed, because she doesn't "want to win under Lee's leadership." It will be "very frustrating" if they win this task and Lee gets "the glory from it." Which would be bad teamsmanship, if she were saying this to someone else on the team. But she's not, she's saying it to us, and different rules apply. This happened with Kristi and Josh last year: they were awful in their interviews about their teammates, and only let it out once each in general company (Kristi with Jenthura and Josh with Markus), but were always known as these terribly negative bastards, and I always found that weird. I think it's a lot healthier, for the person and their team both, to keep that shit in the one-on-ones. Tarek says how much he loves a particular photograph, and then realizes he took it, and giggles at his own bullshitty nature, and it's funny. From inside Tarek's ass, you can hear Lee laughing too.
Showtime, Synergy. Andrea is on a one-woman extinction agenda with the pictures of people's faces, with which she is way angry, and interviews about how Allie and Tammy are stuck on Ellis Island -- "a mistake in a series of mistakes!" -- and has been delegated to be the Queen of Everything Including the World, she believes, because she knows "a lot about design." Sticker company, y'all. She orders the design guy to do some weird, ugly shit with the pictures, like overlapping a 75% transparent Statue of Liberty with a random shot of Ellis Island, the end result being a kind of menacing, kind of Mormon-looking picture of an island being haunted by the Ghost of Liberty Past. Allie and Tammy "finally" arrive, and they are both kind of mind-blown by the ugliness, but instead of slapping Andrea, they couch it in terms of "that looks a little funny" and "the statue is floating in the water?" Dumb. This is Andrea we're talking about: just tell her it's hideous and you desperately need other options that only she can provide, and she'll use that as a jumping-off point. She doesn't play games like this. Giving her this job was stupid in the first place, but anybody else tasked with it would have gotten less work done due to having to manage Andrea's interfering ass, so I can get that -- but now that you're here, take the friggin' reins. Accusations fly in both the design room and over interview, but Allie does basically nothing to help as Andrea "changes" the shot by not changing it substantially -- even managing to make it creepier and uglier -- and acts like a total asshole, finally shrugging and walking off after doing nothing effective at all. Everyone stares, but you can tell they're used to it.
Right now: 27% of people think Lee should be fired, 17% Charmaine, and 13% Andrea. I'm so used to hearing about how vile Andrea is from everybody I know trying to get a rise out of me, even though I've lost even the ghost of respect for her over the last few weeks, that these numbers are kind of shocking for me. It would be funny if the other 43% were votes for Brent.
There's an intensely shirtless Lee trying to blow smoke and mirrors about how he does not suck! But we will not give in! Put a shirt on, pisher! (Just kidding. Nobody's stupid enough to think that saying someone has attractive physical attributes is the same as saying they're a good person, or a good businessperson, are they? Because that's basically the same thing as admitting you hate yourself because you're ugly, isn't it?) Gold Rush gets dressed ever so early in the morning, and Lee rejoices about how Synergy is sleeping in, because it's all about "Price, location, position, selling. Simple." I love how life is just one unending Gordon Gekko seminar for this idiot. He delivers the last word with unstoppable conviction and satisfaction and bites his lip like a total player. He explains how Gold Rush is going to win: "90 percent" of the people that go to the Island leave from Battery Park, and wait generally around an hour to get on the ferry. Therefore, the first team to secure that location wins. He is, of course, completely correct. He asks Charmaine what she thinks, at the location, and I love her: "So positive I can't stand it!" Sails right over his head. They all love and worship the power of Gold Rush for a while, and then head out with their heavy duffle bags full of brochures. Lots of selling footage, and Lee talks about how they will do anything to fuck with Synergy if they show up: "lower the price to a quarter," even "badmouth them!" I wish he was right less often, because it's hard to separate out my hating of him and the job he's doing, which just keeps getting better. "It's war!"
Synergy shows up to Battery Park, and as usual it's Sean who gets weird and overemotional, screaming at us about how Gold Rush is selling to HUNDREDS of the people getting on the ferry and it's putting them in "deep trouble," and I hate it when Sean gets so screamy and dramatic about shit. Charmaine reports the sucking of Synergy to Lee, and Tammy reports the awesomeness of both Gold Rush's brochure and marketing strategy to Allie. They try desperately to sell their inferior product to people who have already bought brochures, and slowly, one by one, realize they are screwed.
Instead of getting the hell out of there and finding another appropriate place to sell them -- for example, at nearby hotels, tourist-package sellers, or other entry points that aren't Battery Park -- Andrea suggests that they get on the ferry and try selling at the museum. Where all the people who have just told them no, because they already have Rush programs, are headed. So stupid. Roxanne resists for a sec, but finally they agree to follow this stupid plan. It's self-selected, the demo at the museum, and it's a target, but they're looking for a percentage of a percentage, with no outside foot traffic. This is appalling. The Venn diagram is appalling. Everybody there is the kind of person who would buy a program, but they've already been asked at least once, and have made the decision already, and aren't going to be buying twice even if they said yes the first time. And it's on a literal fucking island, so it's not like there will be people there about whom this is not true just showing up. You're locking yourself in a room with Eskimos. Stupid. Junior points out that they are stupid and "may not get the full benefit," given the above. (In all honesty, he's the one that made me realize how stupid this actually is, because I was more concerned with the demographic.) This, now, is the time for a Big Idea, a complete change of venue, something really creative and unexpected. This is the time for the Project Manager to say, "Oh fuck. Everybody in the van." And you keep waiting, and it never comes.
On the island, everybody's embarrassing. Allie: "Did you already buy this same one? Because there are two?" Dumb. Sean: Wearing a fucking fanny pack, screaming, all frustrating and obnoxious and yelling and ugly and stupid and awful. "Oh, lovely," he whines. Michael: reading quotes from their book aloud and being obnoxious.
Meanwhile, Coldwell Banker calls Charmaine and she sells an extra 100 programs for $85. She and Lee are very happy together, and Lee is very self-congratulatory but not annoying about how they are "thinking different, thinking smart." I like to see Lee and Charmaine playing nice, just because they are so, so deeply weird with each other most of the time. Lee refers to "his" risk having turned into a "huge reward" for the team, and takes the ego to the roof about how Synergy has been "owning" them but now, thanks to the great idea he somehow forced Charmaine to have, he is leading Gold Rush out of the desert and into the sunshine and it's only a matter of time before they elect him PM in perpetuity.
A very creepy statue of a drowning man is lapped by waves. It's a cool idea, for a sculptor, but weird in context. It's a symbol of Allie, only instead of the harbor water, it's blood. She sucks at selling people on the "wonderful story" and the "emotional rollercoaster" that their ugly brochure represents, but not as bad as Andrea is at interacting with human beings. We see her selling and selling, and it's a three step process: (1) Andrea approaches a family. (2) They get one look at her clacking heels, intense eye sockets, anger lines, and malnourished vegan frame, assume she's a docent or park ranger and they've been caught doing something awful -- touching the art or stealing memorabilia -- and turn bright red. (3) She yell-mumbles at them about something or another having to do with giving her some cash, without friendliness or human emotion her voice. (4) They decline fearfully, still on a fight/flight high from when they thought she was five-oh. (5) Repeat. Allie interviews about how in every task, Andrea sucks at selling or schmoozing people, but doesn't turn that critical eye on herself and wonder why the fuck she would ever delegate that task to Andrea. Junior watches as the group continues to melt down. Solid to liquid to gas to plasma -- there is no rock-bottom to their sucking. Andrea randomly mentions that she is a "bulk sales" expert and Allie wonders why the hell she didn't tell them that to begin with, and that's when Allie decides to blame their assured failure this week on Andrea, regardless of what happens. It's pretty much fair dinkum, to me: yeah, Allie's being a shitty manager, and they would lose regardless of Andrea. But on the other hand, there hasn't been a phase of this task, from research to production to sales strategy, that Andrea hasn't willfully fucked up in the last 24 hours. Or almost any other task, really. And if Andrea had come up with the "bulk sales" idea yesterday, like Charmaine did, they would never have gone to the island in the first place, because it's a better idea (which value Lee managed to basically ruin, on GR). So I think the failure lies ultimately in Andrea not stepping up at the beginning of the task and offering her actual skills, because she was too busy tooting her horn about her many other expertise-level areas of skill, which turned out to be imaginary. In other news: last chance to vote! Meaningless sweepstakes results to be announced live!
Into the Boardroom! Man, Junior makes the same exact milquetoasty face as his dad. So damned unattractive. Trump would like to start by asking his son Donald how he liked being a Viceroy. He thought it was different. Aren't the Apprenti "good, smart people"? They are. Thanks for the input, Junior. Ivanka, as usual, loves the whole process, because she's wonderful and gets why it's such a cool show, and she says it was even more fun with her brother around this time. Aww. Trump asks Allie how they did, and she admits they've "done better on other tasks, Mr. Trump." Tarek and Lee gloat and have a make-out sleepover as Allie says she's lacking "that confident feeling" that she usually has coming into the Boardroom. I like that idea, I like that she said that. He asks what the problem was, and she says straight-up that the problem was sales, and that Andrea's always been weak in that area. Andrea jumps like she's been stabbed, and I've already said why I love her in the Boardroom, but she's such a limp dick through the rest of the episode that I'm not even going to remark. Roxanne agrees that Andrea is not as strong "in Sales" as the rest of the team. Trump asks if it isn't true that Andrea has been "the star" for the last four weeks. Where the fuck did he get that idea? I love Andrea, I do, and I think she's good at what she does, and that it has nothing to do with this show -- I'm an ardent supporter, still -- but where the fuck did he get that idea? They disabuse him of that notion, with a quickness, and Andrea says she's "shocked" by this. Drug abuse is a terrible societal ill, and you know I'm very seriously involved in our nation's war on drugs, but as part of the research I've done in this area, I'm willing to posit the following cocktails in order to explain Andrea's behavior from this point on:
1. The Carolyn Kepcher Sunny Sunday Afternoon: One (1) fat blunt, and a plastic bottle of off-brand white rum (1 liter), with cherry-flavored cough syrup to taste
2. The Ruth Fisher Fucked My Legless Grandmother: One (1) handful of cat tranquilizers -- between four (4) and ten (10) tablets, to taste -- crushed into a fine powder and shaken into two (2) cups of chamomile tea, in a martini shaker
3. The Night Hateful Jim Kissed Me: Six (6) ounces of vodka, shaken with ice and dusted with three (3) 60-milligram capsules of common prescription ADD or ADHD medication (my ex posited that Ritalin abuse should be called "tasking," by the youth of our generation, as in "we were tasking hardcore")
4. The Spring Break Hootenanny: One (1) handful -- also referred to, in common parlance, as a "hootenanny" -- of peyote buttons
5. The Real Housewives Of Orange County: Five (5) pixie sticks, inhaled nasally, with a chaser of 500 micrograms of "Homer Simpson" lysergic acid
Trump's not impressed with Andrea's "shock," much less her negligible ability to maintain in the face of adversity -- he tells her it doesn't matter, because they'll "find out," if Synergy lost. Which is a good edit, because it reminds you this is just the "who lost" Boardroom, not even the real one, and Allie's already starting with the bloodbath. Junior explains that they stayed on Ellis Island basically, and made $843.40 for the charity. Trump asks Lee if he thinks GR beat them, and the whole room answers, "Duh."
Ivanka says they sold to the tourists, pointing out how they cleanly cornered a captive audience and thereby cut Synergy out of the task altogether. Which was -- admit it -- pretty sexy of them. Grand total for the charity? $1548.68. "Which is," she wonderfully points out with a Cheshire grin, "doubling Synergy's amount." Trump congratulates them, and what Lee says is, "About time, Mr. Trump!" but what he means is, "This show is a farce, just give me the job and call me messiah." Trump says that Ameriquest was "so impressed with both teams" -- and what he means is "horrified" -- that they're donating $10,000 in addition to the amounts raised. He tells them that GR will be playing golf with Trump and Vijay Singh, about whom Trump only hates that he's a good golfer. They also get a set of golf clubs. That's like telling me: "Congratulations! Herpes! And the sores that go with it!" But then, I'm not a businessperson.
Sean and Andrea do some hugging, back upstairs, and she tells him that she had sold $100 as of noon, and kept selling well into the afternoon. She confirms for him that her total must have been over $200, and Allie approaches and Andrea's Hootenanny kicks in. "I just wanted to let you know one thing? That it's just stupid of you to lie?" Allie's like, "About what? Everybody said you're shitty at selling, and I've seen it myself." Andrea tells her again how "stupid" she is, this time for "going off the information" she got from the team. Which is what you call "management," no? Andrea's being so fucking weird, because even if she's right, (a) they haven't gone to the BR yet, so slow it up, and (b) the translation is "Witch-hunt me, please? Because I'm planning on going nuts in the Boardroom." Allie's like, "It's not just about a number -- you're not a strong salesperson." Andrea and Allie fight about whether or not the $110 at noon is real or imaginary, and Andrea keeps yelling how Allie is a "liar." It's even more childish-sounding than it seems, whether she's right about it or not. Andrea is "so angry" that "those bitches lied" about her, and how they're contriving to "get something on" her. She says this with roughly the energy of someone sending back their egg-white omelet because it's too crisp. Allie tries to explain how she's not getting it, and it's not about the sales necessarily -- that's just how they're trying to fuck her over -- and why can't Andrea see reason? Why doesn't Andrea understand that she's the enemy of the team and all good things in this world? Why's she being a bitch about it? Andrea wanders off, calling back all, "You're all a bunch of liars!" and "Nice try, ladies!" In the kitchen she scarfs some legumes or sesame puffs or something and narrows her eyes. "Bitches." Oh, and if you think Andrea's being particularly crazy now? Wait.
GR takes a chopper to Trump National, and fuckin' Lee tells us more about how he's in charge of space and time. "This is exactly how I scripted it! Break the streak of four losses, win this task, I'm PM, I look amazing, learn golf from the best golfer in the world...hang out with Mr. Trump in an informal setting…it's great!" Lee's imaginative powers are amazing, but his basic point is: "I hoped we would win! And now we have! I rule!" He tells us how "it's amazing how you go from four straight losses" to winning, because he "felt like crap," as opposed to "how amazing" he feels, after a win. "Winning," he wants us to know, is the "best remedy for feeling like crap." But what, pray tell, is the remedy for being a douchebag? Oh, tell us, Lord Fauntleroy. They all laugh and pants around with Singh, and Charmaine again interviews about how it's a "bittersweet" win, because on one hand, the sweet is that they won the task, but on the other, the bitter, Lee's "lucky" to have gotten the PM title (by lying, I'll remind you) and now just looks even better to Trump, even though Tarek did all the prep work. Which...I'm sure he was "creative director" or whatever, and I'm sure Lee didn't come up with the whole Battery Park thing out of nowhere (both teams went there first), but I can't say he didn't earn it this week. Singh and Trump loves Lee's "swing" and Tarek's "lustrous locks of hair," and Trump just wants to watch Tarek swinging at golf balls for the rest of the day. Again: can't blame him there. Tarek's got a flattering little outfit for every occasion. Tarek gets mind-blowingly ridiculous about finding meaning in an arbitrary and complex universe, all about how Singh is a "consistent golfer" and that GR has "struggled" with that. Except one thing GR has done is be consistent. Consistently crappy.
Vote finals on the interactive fun: Andrea 31% (still low), Lee 22% (WAY low), Allie 11% (kind of low). But I yeah, I do think that Andrea should go home, not because Allie didn't bite this week, but because we've come as far as we can with Andrea. She's not winning, and at this point she's been identified as the problem. Now that Michael, Brent, and whoever else are gone, we're positive that Andrea is the problem.
Allie explains to Roxanne and Tammy and Sean that "in a very short time," they're going to have to make Trump forget the whole "she's a star" thing -- "Take him from [that] to knowing everything that we know." Which doesn't sound so witch-hunty to me yet, because he did show a major card just then, with the "Isn't she the star" stuff, and he really does need to be disabused of this notion. My recommendation: make him feel stupid for ever thinking that. He'll retroactively erase it from his memory and fire her like he just forgot to do it before. Sean whines that he's not going to backstab her, that he wants to "know the truth" and see it for himself. I don't know...what he means by that. If somebody said that to me, I'd tell them to join her team for a task or two, but he's been on her team all along, and...Sean only knows which way the wind's blowing by the way he's blowing with it, because he's intensely a follower. So what he's saying is, "Andrea is making me believe one thing, and it conflicts with what you're making me believe, and that makes my brain hurt." ["It's possible Sean doesn't 'know the truth' about Andrea because he hasn't had to deal with it; Andrea strikes me as the type who only pulls her shit on other women, for whatever reason. Which is not to say that Sean shouldn't have figured that out, too." -- Sars]
Allie and Tammy make fun of Sean for thinking he's going to get "the truth" out of Andrea anyway. "She will brainwash you," says Tammy, awesomely and correctly. Roxanne sits and listens to all of this, and finally tells Sean to "go think about it," and not to "worry about" the Coven meeting -- he's already dust, and nothing says Allie needs to bring him into the BR at all, and nobody takes him seriously, so why play into his "I'm a really good person" psychodrama when it has nothing to do with the task at hand. "Go be a nice person somewhere else and let the grownups strategize." Andrea, listening outside, intones in a scary witchy voice, "I'm out here! I can hear every word you say!" Sean gets up to go talk to her, begging for the other women's approval on the way out. Roxanne notifies him that she is laughing at him. I'm too tired of him to laugh.
Outside in the fainting couch room, Sean asks Andrea politely to brainwash him, and she obliges. Allie and Roxanne agree that Sean cannot currently be trusted. Andrea tells Sean not to "trust politics," and tells him that she will "protect" him in the Boardroom. Like he needs to worry about that this week. He bites the hook anyway, because he's a dipshit, and inside, things get...amazing. It grows subtly darker in Trump Tower, and there are crashes of thunder from a sunny sky; snakes appear in shadows, under couches and behind laundry baskets, coiled and invisible to all but the most peripheral vision. The creeping vines on the wallpaper begin to grow and undulate and sprout blood-red blossoms. There are dry rustles in empty rooms, and high-pitched sighs from behind mirrors. In an upstate New York barn estate, something unnatural is born, and screams like a bald eagle before it dies. The New York harbor glows brightly for a few seconds, and becomes a few degrees warmer as shoals of fish head for the coast, fleeing something huge and vast and deep. An entire household in Queens sees itself growing old and decaying in their mirrors and family portraits, then snaps back to normal before they can scream. Down at Macy's, there is a frightening ten-minute period in which the whole place goes black, and all you can hear is the chorus of "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies, everywhere, from the sound system and the gold-plated Versace boom boxes and from everybody's phones, in the darkness. And at Trump National, terrifying things are crawling out of the golf course holes, arms like matchsticks, claws like toenail parings, and no eyes at all.
"We will tear her apart," says Allie, and the world shivers. "It will be the ugliest Boardroom Trump has ever seen. There will be blood on the walls," she vows. She sits up, playing host to something larger than herself. Larger than any of us: "There will be blood on the walls." A smile plays at the corners of her mouth, and little skull-and-crossbones hover over her irises, which have gone all-black: "There will be fucking blood everywhere." In the darkness there is a dry chuckle, like sandpaper on an infant's skin. The deal is struck.
Into the Boardroom! Trump's like, "Allie! Dude! What the hell?" and she's all, "Oh, lots of reasons that we sucked this week, but I blame Andrea mostly." But Trump thought Andrea was such a star! They try to explain how untrue that is, and how he made it up in his mind, and Roxanne explains that "when a team wins four times," a lot of things end up under the radar, and one of those things is the worthlessness of Andrea. He asks if it's possible that he overrated her, and Roxanne blows past that little minefield with some non-Trump facts: that Andrea's not a team player, and that when she's not in charge, she's obnoxious. Grasping at straws to support his killer instincts (the same ones that have led to all those successful marriages), he begs them to admit that, at the least, Andrea might be termed "a better leader than follower," and he is corrected with a swiftness. "No, not at all." She threw in the towel! Allie agrees with Roxanne's point about walking away from the computer when Allie was so rude as to suggest that, as PM, she might have some input into the product. Andrea says it's not true, and Trump just babbles about how he thought Andrea was so damned great. She protests that the team is "rallying around" due to their total fear of her. Trump gets Sean to admit that he's not in "wholehearted" agreement with the team, and Junior asks him who should be fired. "I adore you, but...Allie," he says, because she can't manage "personalities." Which is true, and this is all true, but on the one hand it stopped being about Andrea and started being about Trump a few minutes ago, and second of all, Sean is not about to get a free pass for that criticism, because the only language he's fluent in is "cheerleader," so he doesn't even know what he's talking about. Trump asks if Andrea couldn't possibly adapt even in the absence of Allie breaking her spirit, and Ivanka disagrees subtly that that is Allie's entire job.
Allie returns this serve fucking brilliantly, I admit, saying that she did exactly that, thanks to Andrea's status as a "self-proclaimed graphic designer," who turned in a shoddy product. Ivanka says she shouldn't have been absent from that part of the process, which I don't think is exactly fair pool, because it's boxing Allie in: either she micromanages or she doesn't, but trusting her teammates/employees to be good at the stuff they say they are good at isn't exactly a negative. I don't know; this is a peeve of Ivanka's that I can't entirely sign onto, this "ultimate responsibility" thing, because it's true in theory but it's also something you can whip out on the PM at any time, no matter their level of involvement, and if they do that, you can always jump them from the other direction and accuse them of playing kindergarten teacher. The thought behind it, I agree with, but you have to couch it in better terms to make your point. Ivanka and Junior move on to how they totally let GR poach their shit, that Allie as team leader "conceded" their position once they couldn't compete. Which is very true, and entirely the point. Allie stupidly says that this is because Gold Rush's brochure was "better," and so that even that was Andrea's fault. And I'm not siding with Andrea exactly, but that shit should have gotten Allie fired. You have got to learn how to step back and not see every fact as mixable with every other fact, because it makes it too obvious you're gunning for one particular person, which makes you look weak. Junior points out that Allie has also stated, in her own defense, that she made "substantial changes" to the brochure herself, so she shoulders that burden, and Allie's forced to take the untenable position that though her corrections were "drastic," they couldn't overpower the total nastiness of Andrea's designs. Which is just stupid.
They ask if Tammy can say anything to defend Andrea, and Andrea totally scoffs at the whole idea that anyone but Sean would defend her. Tammy obliges, that Andrea "questioned every decision Allie made." The point is that she wasted time, but since Allie lost the task, Trump goes to the Lee place, which is that this is only a valid complaint if she was wrong. Or -- and we're done here, basically -- she was just generally "difficult to deal with" ("Exceptionally!") disruptive to the team ("Totally!"). In which case he needs to know if she is usually a good leader. They say she does nothing to inspire her team when she's PM, and she objects, and Allie calls her "lucky" to have won as PM. Referring specifically to the GM task, which they only won because Sean and the rest of the team are fun. True. "We won in spite of Andrea." Which is not entirely true, to my mind, but I've already talked about that task. She mentions the 7-11 task as another example of how they ended up having to work harder as an end-run around her, in order to win. Trump asks the team if Allie's the powerhouse salesperson she's suggesting, and Roxanne and Tammy admit that she is. Roxanne tells Trump straight up that she loves Allie, at length, and Trump...marvels at how well-spoken Roxanne is. Oh, man. If I freak out every time he tap-dances at the edge of racism and sexism, I'll never get anything done, though -- and on the other hand, she's very well-spoken, regardless of her characteristics. Especially compared to teammates like Stumbling Sean, Bumblefuck Brent, Suddenly Tammy, Attack Andrea, or Ouija Board Allie.
He asks Roxanne (the new "star," I bet you, as of week) if he were to fire Allie and keep Andrea, she would be "semi-devastated," which I love, and she responds that she would be, if for no other reason than Andrea's "constant sabotage." Andrea jumps in to complain about how they didn't "do bulk sales" to stores and stuff, and Junior gets right up in her metaphorical face: "Well, aren't you the expert?" Allie laughs; Junior is awesome. Andrea says the team knows she is, kind of missing the point, so Ivanka explains it to her. "That's when a leader steps up." Junior chimes in -- they're a great double act -- that an expert and/or leader would certainly not wait until the final hour of the task to step up to that. "Mr. Trump," says Allie, "it would have been fantastic for her to mention that was her specialty," and adds that she never said this to Allie face-to-face before that last hour. Trump: "You never told anybody that you could do bulk sales?" Andrea gets kind of...I'll just say it. Heartbreaking. "Allie is a fantastic salesperson. Am I a good salesperson? Sure I am. The best salesperson on the team? No. I'm not. My expertise is in hiring good salespeople. Hiring great designers." On the one hand, I get it -- it's code for "Just like you, Trumpy." But on the other hand, it sounds desperate and last-ditch, because that wasn't the task. And because it is, of course. "Your expertise is...hiring?" asks Trump, wonderingly. "Operations and implementation," she says. I knew it! Didn't I tell you? She needs to sell her business and start a consulting firm, dude. She'd rock so hard and she'd love it so much more than yoga. "So...you should have been helping the leader lead," he tries to explain, and all Andrea can say is that she tried, but Allie wouldn't let her or listen, because Allie doesn't like her. Which is 45% of the truth -- that she's unlikable -- but the other 55% being that she had no idea what she was talking about. ["But if that's the case, then why would Allie play it on the angle of 'she didn't tell us how to utilize her skills'? Uch. Andrea had so many opportunities to turn it back on Allie here and didn't take any of them. Disappointing." -- Sars]
"Okay, Allie," says Trump. "Can you get along with people?" Stretching ever-so-slightly, she smiles: "I get along with all types of people." A simple yes or no would be better there, because: "Not Andrea," he smirks. "Andrea? Can you get along with people? ...You don't seem to. I don't see this group as a vile, vicious group looking to get rid of you." Trump admits that he basically sees her as the problem this week, that she was the reason for the loss, because of "lack of chemistry." He's setting up a Clay cobra, like with Brent or Markus, which is my favorite kind, because it's the kind they so often forget to do until it's too late. He tells her she's a good leader (true), but that a great leader can also follow (true), but that she destroys the chemistry of the team, and is therefore fired.
Everybody is super-intense for a second, and then they all stand. She thanks him, and Ivanka stares at them. Andrea hugs Sean and barely smiles at Tammy. She gets on the elevator, smiling and visibly upset. Aww. Back inside, Trump feels he did "the right thing," because the team "really disliked her." The kids agree and agree and agree with him, and Trump complains to Ivanka -- and she strongly agrees, and I do too, but not because I don't know better -- that if you told him "three weeks ago she'd be gone," he'd have been shocked, but now it makes sense. He leans back and congratulates the kids on doing a good job, and I want to hug all three of them suddenly. So weird.
Crazy Taxi of Introspection. Andrea calls it "a great experience," and seems to grasp this on-camera: "Maybe there's a reason I work for myself." She says that she should be flattered that the first time she's ever been fired, it was by Trump himself, which is only a little self-flattering, and she says she feels he does respect her. Which he does, and that's neat. "It's all right," she says, and wipes away a tear. Oh, man.
Okay, lessons learned: there's no percentage in keeping mum about your skills. Be a Charmaine, not an Andrea, and mention (without getting obnoxious) all the skills and benefits you bring to a task. That was the smartest thing Gold Rush did, that little meeting at the beginning. Just try to be honest about what you are best at, which implies a lot of work on yourself you should have already been doing. Andrea could have spent Day One designing a brilliant strategy for selling them in bulk, and would have had a lot better help than fucking Lee getting it off the ground. Instead, she was too interested -- just like every week -- in attacking her PM directly and trying to prove that she'd make a better PM. Which is the opposite of how you actually prove it. The best PMs are the best team support, and that's why Tammy's still around. Don't worry about flying under the radar or over it -- and do not fucking go all Lee and use every conversation to try to sell yourself as a superhero, because it's gay as hell -- just do the best you can. It really, honestly is that simple. Lead by example, sell yourself with effort and excellence, and you won't have to do a damn piece of PR for yourself, because it'll sell itself. Oh, and "Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is only cool after third grade if your kids are, like, magic. And don't cross Allie, because she and the forces of darkness are like this.