The Task: to redecorate a common room in the Boys & Girls Club in partnership with Ace Hardware, in order to promote the Club's re-branding and give the eponymous Boys and Girls an awesome place to hang out. What a great task, in theory, but in practice it involves, basically, redecorating a room only three executives will ever see, and nobody much cares about one way or the other. Which I like, because it means the only people who benefit are children -- and they love both rooms! On Synergy's side, PM Michael screws around, can't make a decision, and shows his desire to FUTR in both his professional and private lives. Andrea acts like an insane person, but for once I think I'm not the only one who identifies with her, whilst still finding her obnoxious. Sean, Roxanne, and Allie continue to go all Big Love on each other. Meanwhile, Gold Rush is having an intense and ongoing meltdown which basically resolves down to the fact that Charmaine's accent is too difficult, and too irritating, for Lenny to handle, so he continues to tell her to shut up whenever she speaks, just like every other task. The editing's fairly even-handed, showing both Lenny's mental blocks with the language and Charmaine's inability to negotiate them, but she does end up irritating almost everybody.
The task begins with an apocalyptically bad meeting with the project executives, in which Lenny stares spookily at them for ten minutes while the rest of the team (Charmaine) tries desperately to comfort them and redirect the seeming hostility. During the task, Charmaine's unbelievably numerous suggestions, hints, questions, doubts, fears, concerns, ideas, concepts, and lack of crying jags send Lenny running for the hills, during which time Charmaine, Tarek, and somebody else get the room together. While both rooms look pretty fantastic, the more engaging Synergy room gets the kids' and executives' vote, and Gold Rush goes to the Boardroom, where Lenny makes such a scary mess of himself that Trump fires him out of hand. Which is sad, because Lenny is a pretty cool guy, but is also right, because he should have identified and dealt with the communication issues between himself and Charmaine instead of assuming that she was an idiot -- she was vying with all-out ass-kisser and personal friend Lee, to be his best ally, but ended up really throwing him off his game. Goodbye, Lenny -- I'll actually miss you a lot.
Okay, is Deal Or No Deal actually sweeping the nation? I find it so hard to believe that. I can't remember the last time I just watched TV, just checked out what was on. I know it's been years. It occurs to me that, like, JAG could be fuckin' awesome and I would never know. I'm going to stick with my current strategy. So on the tail end of the aforementioned game show, apparently there is yelling and a shadowy figure on the phone, and Howie Mandel is awful, but...what is the point of this? This is like football. Everybody seems to know what's going on, but all I see are yelling white people. time on the show, though, there are Miss USA contestants doing things with suitcases, which is very Trump, so he'll be here in spirit even though there's no episode on Monday. That's nice.
Last week, Trump fired Bryce for the reason that Bryce did nothing that made any sense at any point, and told Lenny he was "on thin ice." Upstairs, Leslie weeps, because that's the Gold Rush way, and she and Charmaine discuss how Boardroom is "so hard" because you'll lose, as Leslie, says, not only a teammate, but also a friend. Or, in the case last week, a psychopathic wannabe cult leader. Charmaine throws out a few tears for old times' sake and notes how it's only getting harder from here. Oh, yes. Lee makes a "sad" face as Trump bitches about how Bryce shouldn't have brought him in. Better than anybody, Lee uses what he's got: in this case, a real talent for pathos.
Lee and Lenny finally return, and Tarek's arms are on alert as Lenny calls out thickly, "Anybody home?" Leslie darts her eyes at Andrea as she commiserates with Tarek. "He's our...good friend. Right?" Charmaine embraces Lenny. I've heard a lot about how he's the sweetest guy for real, and I was starting to believe it, but now I really do. We don't see them choose him as GR's PM, but it's implied by the "thin ice" stuff. Lenny tells us they're going to "bury Team Synergy in their graves." See? Sweet guy.
Trump introduces the teams to some execs from Ace Hardware and then admits that some of them are not actually from Ace Hardware. I heard that Bill's building is still being held up, sixteen years later, because the mayor of Chicago thinks Trump is an asshole. Is that true? No wonder Bill's got so much time to spare. All the candidates are wearing their anti-Omarosa hardhats so they don't get attacked by plaster, but at least Trump doesn't mention that for the thirty-seventh time. He tells them they're on the 59th floor of the Trump Building at 40 Wall Street, which he bought for $1M, but which is worth today "hundreds of millions of dollars." I don't know why, considering it's unfinished and looks fairly early in the construction process. Is this one of those "I own the earth beneath it" kind of deals, and he saw a good land deal, or what? Why so much now? "Now a great company," Trump segues, "is Ace Hardware." The other person not from Ace is from the Boys & Girls Club of America. The Ace Hardware "New Faces For Helpful Places" program is about doing community service by handling building projects for non-profits, I think. The task: renovate a common room in two B&GCs "with a wonderful theme for children." They'll be judged on creativity, functionality (angle on Allie), and how well the upgrades appeal (Roxanne) to these executives. Someone (Lee) will be fired from the losing team.
The execs shows them the crappy current B&GC rec rooms, which are all torn carpet and emptiness, because they've been cleared for the renovation, so all you see is the bare walls and marks and nastiness on everything. Kids are gross. Lenny deadpans that this is a "beautiful room," and they all laugh, but the whole thing is so depressing. Purple carpet. It looks like a crack den for children. Lee interviews that Lenny has "stepped up to being Project Manager" and that it's huge for him, because "if he delivers a victory this week he's going to be the man." Lee doesn't offer that "the man" in this case means "the man on thin ice, who didn't get fired," because he doesn't really believe that Lenny could get fired, because he seems to have convinced them both that Lenny is his real dad.
Lenny brainstorms about a theme ("dance, art, musical") and Lee says he loved the drums at 14, and would love a theme about music and dance. Lenny says they can only have one theme, either or, and Leslie would prefer "music" over "dancing." Before Lenny can further narrow their theme to, like, "Dance Hits of the Mid-'90s," Charmaine begs him to focus on their meeting with the Ace execs, whose names she tells him again, and the fact that they will be arriving in five minutes. Lenny's response: "Okay, we should get speakers and a nice stereo..." and Charmaine's like, "Maybe we can think about some things to ask the executives? I'm just trying to make you aware of the time." Lenny's response: "I'm thinking music is a good theme..." Charmaine interviews how "upsetting" she found it that he was so oblivious to the exec meeting, because not only are they the client, but also the judges -- "Lenny didn't care." I think the point she's missing is that it wasn't about ignoring the executives, it was about ignoring her.
Stay with me here, because it's going to get weird for a second: I am as likely to become a Scientologist as I am a lesbian. However, that doesn't stop me from being fascinated by them, or reading their literature, or watching their films. So that's the context, because the thing that's going on here was -- no matter what else -- something best explained in my experience by L. Ron Hubbard himself, which is that: the first word you don't understand is where you get off the boat. You just stop reading. You might look at words, or hear the person talking, but you don't really hear what they're saying. It stops mattering. And generally, I think, you have to then convert it to a deal where whatever you just read without understanding is just "stupid" or "poorly stated," and then you've successfully overcome the whole mess. And with Lenny, you have somebody who's doing an ongoing translation in his head and admits he's not thinking totally in English yet. And then you've got Charmaine, who has the sharp voice and the accent happening, and I honestly think he's only hearing about 15% of what she says. Now, girlfriend talks a lot, so that ups his percentage considerably, but I still think he's as likely to ignore what she's saying out of hand than to actually weigh it and manage her, because he's intimidated by the largish task of understanding her speech, so he opts out. We've seen him wave off other people's questions and doubts when they're not on message, or unnecessarily complex, and I don't think there's been an episode where Lenny didn't actually tell her to shut up. Specifically Charmaine: "Stop talking." I like Charmaine, and I have no doubt that's occasionally something everyone thinks -- Bryce bleeped over this same moment last week -- but they do make a point of showing him saying it to her a lot, and my hypothesis is that this is where all the trouble is located this week. Charmaine's too much trouble to listen to; therefore, she's not worth listening to. Which would make sense except that, well, she's generally right, and her priorities are generally correct, so it's less like ignoring Markus or Brent, and a lot more like being an arrogant prick.
Gold Rush sits down with the Ace and B&GC people, and there is total silence. Lenny looks around, everybody looks at everybody else, there is much staring. Again: it's a combination of Lenny not thinking of anything to ask them, because he didn't make time to think about it, and Lenny not wanting to speak in front of the execs. Which kind of bums me out, because his English is really good, but it's still something he's weird about. Charmaine finally breaks the silence, by...fucking up. "...We want to know more about Helpful Faces For Friendly Places." The executives look at each other, and Paula, the Ace Hardware person, smiles fakely: "It's...actually New Faces For Helpful Places." Charmaine writes it down and asks Lenny whether he didn't have a question he was dying to ask. He says he is very interested in learning more about Ace Hardware, which could not have less to do with the task. He has the impression that it's a "small-town shop," and very small for some reason, and keeps underlining its homey, just-folks appeal, which is wrong. They're all like, "Huh? It's actually quite large." The guy exec tells them it's "significantly larger" than the room they're all sitting in, and Lenny tells him that was a very good answer. Tarek stares, terrified, and the executives are just like, whatever. Lenny looks at them kind of frighteningly, because how do they know that's just his face, and Tarek gets the willies about being in that room. He interviews that the Q&A would have gone a lot longer if any of them had any idea what their objective actually was. This is going to be awesome. The guy exec asks them "specifically" what they want to know, and Lenny mumbles something and continues to stare at them. It's like The Office, only less funny. Silence, faces, icky, act out.
Weekly Wisdom: "BE DECISIVE." The people that follow you, Trump tells us, will not believe in you as a leader if you're not decisive. However, he stresses, at the same time you don't want to be so quick on the draw that you fuck up. So, he sums up, you should be decisive, but also not fuck up. He might stress this several different times in different words, actually. I don't remember, I was writing it down in my little notebook. Be decisive but do not fuck up. I love how Trump is so hyperbolic in everything that the middle ground means nothing to him. Not: "Use temperance but be firm," but somehow do both ends of the spectrum simultaneously. "Super-fast! But also slow!" Over all of this talking, he's picking out shots from this woman's contact sheet, I don't know who she is, probably Miss USA, or maybe a prostitute or something, and he's very "decisive" telling her which of her glamorous boudoir shots are the best. For some unknown but I am quite sure nefarious purpose. It's gross, and sad, and so, so very Trump.
PM Michael introduces his team to a B&GC staffer, and they look around at the horrible room, and they chat about their questions for the Q&A. Which, much like Trump's Wisdom, heads as far in the other direction from Lenny's hostile silence as possible. Michael...I don't know what I was expecting out of him. He's kind of oily with the buzzwords and the "we want to know about all your thoughts and feelings" and the repetition. He starts at the top, "What is the mission of B&GC of America," and works his way down to the particulars. They mention specifically the idea of "teamwork" over "winning," and just the fact of somebody saying that shortens Trump's life by an entire year, no matter where he is. Michael asks how important it is that they incorporate the name and brand into the project, and Paula's impressed, say it's normally "very integrated." They all thank the executives, who stand up and say pleasant goodbyes...which are interrupted by Michael with more questions, and, awkwardly, they sit back down. There's a dreamlike montage where we get just clips of the many thousands of questions Michael now asks them -- "careers and education," "contacts at Ace," "specialty lighting," "costumes" -- and Andrea gets more and more frustrated, interviewing about how she was sub-vocally begging him, "Stop talking, stop talking, just stop talking." Finally an embarrassed group of Synergy people shakes their heads sheepishly at the execs' asking if there are "any other questions," and the execs lay a patch out of there.
Showtime, Synergy! Andrea suggests that they have "physical stations" so that the kids can go from thing to thing. "Really interactive." Everybody loves it. Michael starts making a list: Television, Gaming, Music. "Girls." The eyes of Allie and Andrea and Carolyn call bullshit, but nobody says anything, because he's describing a place where you sit and chat, and boys of any age seem to find that sort of difficult, so really it's just shorthanding it, no matter how stupid and ignorant it sounds. Allie Charmaines that the stores are closing in four hours, and Michael Lennies right back that he wants to have a meeting about "color schemes." Allie's like, "Um, okay then!" It's 4 PM and Carolyn is fucking bored. "Time's ticking! Michael has to go to the store!" Roxanne finally levels with Michael that they have to go shopping, because the purpose of the task is to decorate the room, and they will need supplies to do so. Allie's like, "We should be shopping." Roxanne succumbs to a migraine as Michael talks. There's a 24-style screen split, to Gold Rush shopping efficiently at the store, and then back to Michael waxing obnoxious about colors, blue and orange and whatever, having a meeting about the colors of the rainbow with himself. Sean's kind of trying to involve himself, but is also terribly bored. Gold Rush buys some paint efficiently. Michael picks at his chin. Gold Rush finishes shopping and bundles up their purchases efficiently. Night falls.
Tammy desperately assures Synergy that they will one day go shopping, and Allie finally blurts, "We need to be out on the street!" Roxanne screams, "What TIME is it?" Allie begs Michael to start the shopping expedition and Roxanne screams, "Will you LET some of us go and start?" Roxanne is so cool, because only if you were looking directly at her that this is like the most frustrated she's ever been, but it's still like she's asking you to get in the left lane and you won't. Michael: "Sure! Here's the thing..." Tammy finally gets a little teacher voice: "Michael, we're running out of time." Michael throws his hands around, and Sean interviews exasperatedly that they're still pissing around, and then has a shadowboxing dandy-fight, like he's going a round with Invisible Hugh Grant.
Leslie and Tarek and Tarek's arms are getting things primed. As they roller the walls, Tarek talks about how he wants to inspire in them "musical ambition," and Charmaine accidentally pokes herself in the eye with her painting mask. It's all very friendly but there's still work going on. Charmaine warns Lenny that red is a hard color to paint -- true -- and that they're going to end up painting multiple coats.
What Charmaine's Saying: "Make sure you keep in mind that it's not one coat and we go -- the painting time for red is longer than we think." What Lenny Hears: "[unimportant] You picked the wrong color [unimportant] this is going to take all night [unimportant] Lenny [unimportant] bad PM." What Lenny Says: "Let me handle this, all right? If you stop talking we'll be fine." What Charmaine Hears: "Let me handle this, all right? If you stop talking we'll be fine."
Tarek interviews that Charmaine's voice is "like nails on a chalkboard," that it drives him "freaking crazy," that she is filled with "mindless blather" that comes out of her mouth and drives him insane. Tarek does not mean that it's going to lose them the task -- just that they asked him in an interview to talk about Charmaine's voice, and he admitted that it is irritating, and then moved on to a bunch of other topics. He's got floppy, floppy hair, and he's standing on a street in the evening and looking crazy hot as he says these things, but that doesn't mean they really apply to the task. Charmaine asks if they can hire professional painters, and they tell her there's not enough money, and Charmaine says -- I guess asking if they can re-examine the budget and see if it's possible -- that the painters can do it three times as quickly as the team can. Tarek gets irritated, Lee gets sad. Flip the script here and pretend that you're listening to a coworker on the phone with tech support in another country: that edge to their voice? The feeling of urgency, like for every second this person on the other end fucks around trying to understand them, or mispronouncing words, they're losing potentially thousands of dollars, that's way out of balance with how much time the call is actually taking? And then they get off the phone and say something racist about outsourcing. Or pretend it's you, behind a Town Car going about 32 miles per hour, and refusing to get out of your lane -- are you really going to be THAT much later if they don't move their asses? Either way, you're an asshole if you get upset about it, but time's subjective that way. It's why people turn down the radio when they're looking for an address.
What Lenny Screams: "We don't have time!" What Lenny Means: "I'm well aware of the literal time constraints, but I'm talking about how the energy it takes to process what you're saying makes me feel like I'm going to go crazy." What Lenny Screams: "Stop talking!" What Lenny Means: "Stop talking!" What Lenny Screams: "We're going to run out of fucking time!" What Lenny Means: "Everything after this point is your fault."
Synergy: Everybody breaks for the shopping expedition. Roxanne, Allie, and Sean -- of course -- are on one team, picking up the relatively simple musical instruments for their rec room, while Andrea, Leslie, and Michael head to Ace. I think first of all, they volunteered because they are a creepy threesome indeed, but I also think that nobody else, having seen them in action, would have gone along with them for all the tea in Boston Harbor. Andrea and Michael, at Ace, have a funny conversation about a fake tree, and Andrea says that she'd prefer a "fake-fake tree" and not a "real-fake tree," admittedly, actively taking part in the bullshit, but it's so great I don't mind: "I like the fake-fake tree because it goes with the fake-fake thing. Like me?" Okay, the last is honestly what I heard, and I love it, but I doubt she actually said that. So where it gets irritating is when Michael goes to the Ace guy and asks for pictures of various fake trees. For real. Andrea interviews that he can't delegate anything, to anybody, or make any decisions. I think they're dumb for letting him to go Ace, where there's a million different ones of everything: send him to the music store, where there are five to twenty of each kind of thing. But instead, all the aesthetics decisions are being made by Andrea, whose design sense is suspect; Michael, who gets very lame about things; and one to several women who may or may not exist. I liked Tammy for a second before she went back into the world of Leslie.
Michael walkies to Sean and asks them to list everything they bought. Allie says she can't believe he would do that, double-check the basic shit they were delegated, but Sean says probably the smartest thing anybody has said about any person, this season. Sean, I don't like, because I think he's a poseur and too invested in team spirit for his own good, without knowing it -- however, he's pretty cool in this episode, and this is awesome: "No, it's because he wants to look like he's Project Managing." Wow. I know it's not brilliant or all that out of the ordinary, but they get so wrapped up in the many crazy layers of meaning here that it's nice to have somebody call the bullshit what it is. Michael hems and haws over the paint chips before him, and Andrea spits: "Look, just make a decision, whatever it is. Tell me what you want because I don't care." No matter how much you hate Andrea, this is not an example of her being a bitch, because my God, Michael. The whole time she's saying this, he's like, "Yeah, I know, colors are so hard, I just need to make a decision! Think, Michael, think! Paint colors..." When she finishes telling him to grow a pair, he snaps out of it. "Let me call Sean." Andrea throws up her hands and goes to look for shovels.
Roxanne answers the phone, and Michael immediately starts with the word vomiting: "Do we need one color for everything, or should the walls be one color and the pipes another color, because there are exposed pipes just under the ceiling and I think that they should provide contrast, because it's all so fun for kids, and primary colors are the new black, and we really want these colors to say something meaningful, about teamwork or some shit, and like, should we have different walls be different colors, or maybe each pipe should be a different color, or maybe we should rethink all of this and just glue hay to the walls, and that will provide texture, but you know what, it would also kill the children and then so probably that's a bad idea, but you know blue, red, yellow, indigo, green, I kind of like blue, as a color, but also orange is good, I mean who doesn't like orange, but you know there are so many colors in the visible spectrum that it's really confusing, because it's like apples and oranges trying to pick one over the other, when they are all so special in their own way, which is why I was asking if we should have different colors on the walls and the pipes, and why the fuck haven't you answered me yet?" Answer: Because they're too busy laughing at your chucker ass.
Roxanne can't even answer him. She's all, "Okay!" And then they all collapse in laughter again, which would be completely funny except it's this trio, with their weird swinger vibe, so it's only mostly funny. And he makes it worse: "I can't understand you with the giggling that's going on." Which is where they don't have plausible deniability, because admit it: if you were on the other end of this conversation, wouldn't you assume they were all naked and giggling like idiots? Since that's all they usually do anyway. Michael begs and begs them to -- not answer his question, really, since he's not actually asking any questions, but respond in some way, which just makes them laugh harder. Sean interviews that Michael is "such a wanker!" "All you've gotta do is pick up some paint!" I know myself well enough to know that I would have totally been Andrea in this situation: just grab him by the crotch and be like, "Look, motherfucker, you are killing me. Nobody cares, not us, not the executives, not the kids, nobody. Pick a color or I will stab you in the eye." Which I wish somebody had done, say, twelve hours ago when this fucking conversation started. The band dorks all laugh in their little van about how weird he is, and Allie is fully face-down in Sean's lap by this point. That proto-sexual lameness aside, Sean's kind of awesome this episode. Still cheesy and too caught up in his own nerdy bullshit, but he's at least right and not just selling whatever he thinks the herd thinks without realizing they aren't his own thoughts. I mean, in all honesty the best possible reaction would be to stop giggling and just pick a color at random -- preferably backing it up with utter lies and bullshit about how blues and greens are soothing so they should avoid the reds and oranges because it will make the kids more excitable and behave less optimally, and call it a day, because that will make him think they discussed it, which is all he thinks he wants. However, they're punchy and haven't slept in seven weeks or whatever, and laughing hysterically at him is a pretty doable Plan B.
It's fucking midnight. Synergy has all returned to their rec room, with the exception of Leslie and Tammy, who may or may not be on this show at all. I can't even remember what team Leslie is on! ["I didn't know this season had a Tammy, I don't think, so you're ahead of me, at least. This is what happens when you have a Brent black-holing all the available screen-time light for four episodes." -- Sars] Bill comes in and Michael shakes his hand, because that's all he knows, and then starts talking about how they'll be "working all night," like that's a fucking good thing. As any good manager will tell you, "I worked all night on this" is less a sign of your devotion and more a sign of your inability to perform your tasks in the time allotted, which is why you gotta use that shit like nitroglycerine if you're going to use it at all. Rule ONE. And you better be damn sure you've got the extenuating circumstances to back it up if you do. Bill's like, "So...what the fuck have you been up to, then?" Michael's like, "Oh, well, we were at Ace Hardware!" Bill points out how they met the execs at 11 AM, and now it's midnight, and Michael "explains" that this is because they were "trying to figure out" what they needed to purchase. Allie and Andrea watch uncomfortably as Michael farts around and tries to sell this concept. Bill's like, "So you're going to...paint the room? And it took you nine hours to figure this out?" He turns to Andrea, knowing she'll talk shit: "How's he doing as a PM? You're undefeated." Andrea then puts on a little play called I Really Hate It When You Ask Me If I Like Your Haircut Because I Don't Wanna Be In That Position If I Don't Like It And Especially In This Case When It Looks Like Shit Because I'm Such A Nice Person That It Makes Me Want To Commit Anxiety-Related Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf, and mumbles that Michael is "uh, not that, um, he's fine, we really need to start working and we're going to paint," and Bill's like, "Don't non-answer a non-answerer, we know our own," and Andrea interviews about how she was trying to "convey telepathically to Bill" that "for the love of God, please don't make me say what a nightmare he is in front of him." Say what you want, I think I'll always pretty much love Andrea no matter how much of an asshole she is. Sympathy for the Devil and all that.
Andrea and Sean work out what color everything should be, and Andrea complains to him that "everybody says I'm a dictator, Sean," but that generally that's what's required, and really, "Not even a dictator: a decision-maker." And I can't disagree with that either, because even though she expresses things poorly, she's still right about the idea. Which makes the cruise ship task more interesting, because that's her mode, and it's only truly awful when she's wrong about whether she's "helping," because when she's right, she's right, and has every right to stick her thumb in the soup. And I don't like how, helping or not -- and cross-apply to Charmaine, too -- she's still going to be portrayed as this virago who bosses the men around. It's a lost-in-translation issue, which is a communication flaw and not a power-relationships one, like everybody seems to think. Neither Charmaine nor Andrea accounts for the communication dynamics at issue when they offer their forceful opinions, which is a guarantee they'll be seen as unhelpful and working against the team effort -- whereas logically, nothing could be further from the case. Which isn't really praise, because management is like 90% communication dynamics and only 10% logistics, because people are weak and need to be hugged and petted. But in this cast, it's mostly the relatively FUTR people -- Allie, Tammy -- that seem to have a balanced skill set in that regard, which of course presents its own prohibitive problems. Ask Leslie, if you can manage to Where's Waldo her out of the Type-A scenery. They start painting -- Sean, of course, has a tiny British orgasm about what a "fantastic" green they're using, and puts his arm around Tammy's shoulders. With a Trading Spaces quickness, the room is painted, and Sean interviews that they finished, "after many hours," but could still lose if the Rushees' room is "much nicer, which is easy to conceive if they don't have someone as inept as Michael leading them." Today is Sean's lucky day!
Bill shows up at the GR rec room and asks where Lenny is. The answer is, it would appear, fucking around. Lee and Lenny walkie to Charmaine: "Is everything done?" Which, they should both be fired for even saying that shit on camera. Charmaine's like, "Are you fucking joking? We're not even close to done." Lenny takes the walkie from Lee: "Why is that?" He really plays the "I'm forceful and demanding but only because everybody else is fucking around" card a lot, doesn't he. Charmaine loses a bit of cool: "What do you mean, 'Why is that'? Tarek, Leslie and I are furiously laying down some tile, but there's only three of us here!" Yeah, she seems to have been maybe putting on a little show for Bill, but I can hardly blame her at this point. Bill watches as Lenny walkies that they'll be there in thirty minutes, and Tarek -- also putting on a little show -- says that Lenny is "lucky" that he and the ladies are working so hard, because they "could have let this" become a total disaster, in his absence. Which is a sign of ugly thinking, but also: Lenny's going to think they did that no matter how well they do. Tarek interviews that Lenny and Lee have been out looking for music equipment while the others have been working their tails off, and still "nothing is done," and Lenny cannot conceive "how dire" the situation actually is, because Lenny's idea of delegation is letting any random person clean up his mess, and that's just how he's always going to roll.
Lenny and Lee -- with some stupid Russian samovar-scented music -- drive around aimlessly in their van full to the roof of immensely breakable and expensive musical equipment, and they have a really irritating conversation where Lee will say, "Turn left," and Lenny says, "No, U-turn," and Lee says, "No, turn left," and Lenny says, "Like I said, turn left, asshole" and gets more and more frustrated and more and more boring, still playing this role for himself where everyone is so irritatingly off-message and wasting time and fucking with him, because his own incompetence is not ever a factor. Not even incompetence -- just simple common wrongness about a given thing. He's not a stupid man, but operating from a position that everything you say is right and everybody else is your enemy presents a problem or two. They finally arrive at the rec room, and Lenny starts issuing orders left and right, and Charmaine says that the execs will be there in twenty minutes, and interviews that he's crazy to think it can be done. Charmaine tells Lenny that she can't clear this area he told her to clear, because the junk is actually too heavy for her to lift. Instead of seeing that this is obviously true and delegating her something else, he again bitches at her about how "we don't have time for this," and interviews that she's "so negative" and "complaining all the time" and that they "don't have time" and that she needs to "stop talking!" I'm sure that it's editing in part, but...have we seen her say anything that isn't a verifiable fact?
What Charmaine Says: "Time moves at a constant rate." What Lenny Screams: "Stop criticizing my leadership! Not everything is my problem!" What Charmaine Says: "Gravity acts on mass at a constant rate." What Lenny Screams: "Stop complaining! You're being so negative! Why do you pester me so? Girls are stupid!"
Everybody runs around like when you stomp on an anthill, while at Synergy, the execs are arriving with Carolyn and Bill. Michael threatens to "go through [their] vision with" the executives, and they all wish they were wearing more comfortable shoes, because this is going to take a fuckin' year. He shows them a branded sign outside the room that says, "The Lounge," and talks about it for a million years, and then describes how the room is interactive and how there are lots of activities, but you never feel cut off from everybody else. There's a large-screen TV, with video games that are all "teamwork-based," areas to socialize over karaoke and a drum kit, and a place where "girls" can "relax and enjoy their time." This time, it comes off a lot weirder, like he has no idea what girls "do" when they recreate. There's a board game area which, again, stresses teamwork. Sean and Andrea watch and watch and watch as Michael talks about how kids should have options, and not all "necessarily like the same thing," and then they bring in a bunch of kids. Who have a pretty time, playing with all the crap, as Carolyn and Bill laugh and interact with Andrea's fake-fake tree. One little girl tells them they did a great job, and the executives thank them and quickly leave before Michael starts talking again.
Over at GR, Lenny wishes the execs a good afternoon, and then Lee points out a stage, with the drum kits and karaoke machine. They check out the black-and-white checked dance floor, and the folding chairs where people can watch all the interactive performing going on. The GR room looks fantastic, by the way, half checkered tiles and half glossy black. They point out the headphones on the drum kit, to keep the noise level down, and Lenny says he hopes they "create a beautiful place for" the B&GC kids. They bring in the test group of children, and the kids go nuts about how awesome everything looks, which makes Lenny super-happy. It's nice. Tarek and Charmaine giggle and the kids totally rock out and it's heartwarming, but the executives make strange faces that I can't read. Lee interviews, "I really think we have a win," signifying that they are going to lose, and throws his arm across Lenny's shoulders, signifying that one or both of them is getting cobra'd.
The executives are seated behind a table as the teams file in for judgment. They conference Trump in, and say that Synergy understood "the core areas" of the Boys & Girls Club, and props to Andrea for rolling her eyes when they mention how there's even a "space where a girl can just be a girl." (Like, seriously, what does that mean? Horse figurines? Tampons? Betsy Wetsies? Posters of Orlando Bloom? Fucking fairy wings and toe shoes? Pretend stovetops and vacuum cleaners and long strands of pearls? A drawer chock-full of scratch paper and little Ikea pencils so they can write mean notes about each other. Jeweler's loupes and laminated reminder cards about the Four C's. The My First Brazilian kit with the strawberry-scented wax. A bone china tea set and a stripper pole. A jumbo bucket of clitorises. Applications for Wellesley, Bryn Mawr, and Smith. ["Note also that a boy does not need a space to 'just be a boy,' because for a boy, that 'space' is called 'the world.'" -- Sars]) The executives make an implicit comparison with Lenny's room by transition: "Lots of things going on at the same time." Lenny goes, "Huh." The executives characterize the GR room as narrow, with the focus on music, and Paula says that it could be chaotic, but if they use the headphones, they're back in Game Boy world and no longer fostering teamwork. They admit that both teams did an "excellent" job, but that Synergy "hit it better." Lee is sad; Tarek is both sad and terrified. Sean interviews that Michael is wicked lucky that they won on their teamwork, and not his management.
Synergy's reward is to take a little girl with a rare kind of cancer on a Make-A-Wish shopping spree at a popular children's toy store which Trump says the name of fifteen thousand times. "Through Make-A-Wish you can grant this wish," he says, the redundancy equivalent of saying, "With OxiClean Spot Remover, you can remove spots." They are all happy about it, because the only thing that brightens up your day more than diamonds and truffles is little kids with inoperable cancer. Dasheaira is eight, very adorable, and arrives at the toy store with her mom in a limo. Every Make-A-Wish thing I've ever seen, they really get it done, with the limos and the people in costumes and stuff. That's so wonderful. Mom tells us that Dasheaira is like the second kid ever to have this kind of cancer in America, and it's rough, but this show isn't about that kind of thing, so we cut quickly to piles and piles of toys, consumption, shiny packaging and costumer service, merchandise accumulating with the speed of acquisition. An out-of-work actor in a king costume lurks around. Dasheaira's mom is so cute. So are the Toys R Us employees. Trump arrives and he's all, "Is that it? No way! Keep picking stuff!" Everybody laughs, and for once it's not because he's Donald Trump, but in fact because he's being adorable. Trump's good with kids, and it's not taking anything away from that wonderful fact to note that: of course he fucking is.
Trump and the mom shake hands and he interviews how "the greatest thing you can do is give," and he kisses Dasheaira and makes her laugh and it's very sweet and lovely to watch. I like also how they make sure to edit in Dasheaira saying certain toys and things are for her relatives for Christmas. She seems a lot younger than eight, but that just makes this train of thought even cooler. I was thinking "generic Make-A-Wish shopping spree," but that little moment made me want to buy her a bunch of shit myself. What a neat kid. The team puts on a bunch of boas and get really into it. Off to the side, Dasheaira's mom is talking to Michael, and she says, by way of talking about how happy her daughter is, that it's like she's "died and gone to heaven." Michael is sort of thrown by this particular colloquialism, but covers well, and I feel bad that he's like the only one who has to remember that the kid has cancer, while everybody else gets to giggle and play with her. I like that her mom can say something like that without even thinking about it, because it means she's dealing with her daughter's illness in a way that I would hope to. New topic. Michael and the mom are very cool together. Later, she interviews that it's like English would have to come up with a new word for how happy Dasheaira is, because the ones we've got don't cover it. Dasheaira says goodbye to the team, and Roxanne kisses her cheek and hugs her close, and Allie kisses her hand, like a little lady. Dasheaira voices over her thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation and, of course, Donald Trump -- I'm sure completely unscripted, you know -- and tells us in the limo that this is "one of the best days in [her] life." He mother smiles down at her lovingly, and Team Synergy and the Toy King or whatever wave goodbye to her limo. I don't believe that I am strong enough to work for that particular Foundation. Despite what those assholes (Family? I have no family! No friends! Only persecutors!) at my intervention said, I'm not an alcoholic, and I'd like to stay that way.
Lenny tells his team that, first of all, he "didn't do anything wrong," which is a good way to start this shit, and says he really doesn't want to "bring anybody into the Boardroom." The funny thing about Russian is how the "except fucking Charmaine" is actually silent in his native tongue. Little-known fact. He interviews that the only bad thing about the entire task was Charmaine, "complaining all the time," and he's willing to bet that she's "probably the reason" that they lost. The brain math on that is so easy, we don't need to do it. Charmaine applies her face and tells Tarek she has no idea who Lenny's bringing, and she might be telling the truth, but I doubt it, because she's a smart girl. Tarek says that things only went wrong when Lenny and Lee checked out, but says it in a way where you can tell he's practicing for the BR, and he interviews in the same vein: "I can't believe he left us!" He talks about the "thin ice" some more, and wonders if (trans.: "hopes that") this will put Trump over the edge, and then, "that's the end for Lenny."
In the kitchen, Lee's made a cheat sheet for Lenny entitled "Lenny's Cheat Sheet," which is a multi-part document outlining: possible questions from the Trump and Viceroys, their best answers, qualities of Lenny to bring up, and the many kinds of love Lee feels for Lenny. Lenny couldn't care less about any of this. It's pretty rough, watching Lee do this whole song and dance to save Lenny, and Lenny allowing his arrogance to cloud even that. I think there's also slight linguistic irritation going on with Lee, too, based on this conversation and the conversation back in the van. And the fact that Lenny thinks of Lee as a pet, and not a player in this game in any way, so why would he think that Lee could help him? But Lee's love for him blinds him to all this, and he doggedly keeps going and quizzing him and shit, and I think it's admirable to go through all this with Lenny, but it's kind of sad and irritating that Lee's lying down for somebody who doesn't think of him even slightly as a man. "What were we being judged on?" Lenny says, "Sustainability," meaning that he's either crazy or does not know what that word means, because expensive electronic equipment in the middle of the hyperactive, sugar-stoked wolves' den that is daycare is not a concept you want in the same room as the word "sustainability."
Lee: "No." Lenny: "Yes. Sustainability." Lee: "No. Creativity." Lenny: "Yes. Sustainability." Lee: "No." Jacob: "You know what? I think you've got this covered, Lenny. Clearly you know what you're doing, and I don't want to seem pushy, so I'm gonna bounce."
Lee explains to Lenny that one of the sheets is about the task, and the other one is about Lenny in general, and it's so, so sweet and funny and so very Lee, but Lenny scorns them both equally. Lee points out a list of things "Trump likes to hear," and I hate the "political" nature of Lee's ass-kissing, but it's a matter of subtlety, not strategy, with me. These are lists you should be making in your head, but you have to tell it slant, because people aren't stupid. Lee mentions some Lenny buzzwords, "crafty" and "responsible," but doesn't mention "comedian," even though that's The Phrase That Pays for Lenny. He asks if Lenny knows what "resourceful" means, and -- honestly, I believed Lee and Lenny were intimate enough that this wouldn't push any buttons, because they're pretty clear on the whole talking thing and how Lenny is bad at it, but I guess Lenny's more self-conscious than I thought -- Lenny rolls his eyes. Like that's out of the question that he would have any gaps in his vocabulary. It's such a crutch when he wants it to be, and something you should never mention otherwise. But knowing that, you can work around it. While silently hating him for it, maybe, but you can still do it. Which is what Charmaine never figured out.
Lee asks him, as a Viceroy, why he gave the presentation if he's not good at English, and Lenny mumbles something about how his "mind was completely off," and Lee's eyes bug out. He begs him not to admit anything of the sort, and Lenny...fights him on it. And again, that's another point where I'd say goodbye, kiss his cheek, and go have a beer, because fuck that noise. There comes a point at which, no matter how helpful you're trying to be, I lose respect if that impulse overrides your desire to command basic respect. Whether or not that's "just Lenny's way," it's bullshit, and it makes Lee look weak. Lee interviews sweetly about how he wanted a win so badly for Lenny, but now he's got to do anything he can for Lenny, because he will always do anything for Lenny. Lee eats his little noodles and continues to beg Lenny to read the lists he wrote, and then they have a very quick, very creepy conversation in which it is made clear that Lenny is taking Lee to the Boardroom, and Lee is cool with that. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Even Trump is going to call bullshit, and Trump generally understands 30% of nothing!
Commercials: Bill does an ad for Ace and the "Lovely Places For Exciting Spaces," apparently at gunpoint. His posture is so uncomfortable and his fake grin is so wide and manic, the baby starts crying. Honestly, it's like in that movie where the Joker mixed up common household chemicals and people died with the crazy smiles. Dear Bill: You're not a bad-looking man. Sometimes you're very handsome. But the fucking time they put you on camera, I want you to first drink a glass of red wine, slowly, and I want you to look in the mirror and say out loud: "I'm a fucking rock star. Also, there are no snipers after me." Two things you really oughtta know by now.
Into the Boardroom! Trump sits down and regards the Rushees. "Charmaine, Lenny was the Project Manager." I'm guessing Bill (or a producer) filled him in on how Lenny and Charmaine felt about each other this task. Charmaine explains simply that Lenny was an ineffective leader on the task, and made several poor decisions. Lenny responds not to the accusation but to the person, what they call an ad charmainum attack: "Charmaine is hard to manage!" Lee nods, even though this does nothing to further Lenny in the BR. "She surprised me big-time! Questioned everything I did! And would not listen!" Which, first of all, is never going to be why you lost, so keep your eye on the bottom line. And second of all: wrong. That's not what happened. She may have repeated herself to a sickening degree, but that's what you do when someone cannot hear you. Charmaine's like, "I disobeyed nothing," and Lenny changes his bitchy course again: "She was the most negative person on the task!" Which is a valid comment if the person was acting in a way that was detrimental to the task, but doesn't signify if the person told you "no" and that's the problem you were having. And people are scary when they are so wrapped up in their own arrogance that they can't tell the difference. Charmaine brings up how she gave him constant ticking reminders from the fifteen-minute mark about devoting time to the executive meeting, and Lenny yells, "If you're so smart, why didn't you have any questions?" Which is, again, not a response, and not true. She was the only one we saw interfacing with them at all, during your campaign of awkward silence. "When they walked in," Charmaine tells the Viceroys and Trump, there was a long "dead silence," but that eventually she asked a bunch of questions.
Trump tells them something I don't think they knew, which was that while their meeting with the executives was less than nine minutes long, Team Synergy talked to them for forty-five minutes. Looks bad, although with the Michael factor, it's a bit less dramatic in comparison because only probably thirty of those minutes were worthwhile. On the other hand, all the weird questions he asked were what won the task, so you can't completely laugh at him. Lee, not actually randomly, I'm sure, but edited weirdly: "Lenny did a great job!" Trump says that the bottom line is that their room wasn't good. "What was your vision?" Lenny says that the theme was music, and Bill pounces: "Way too narrow in scope!" Which I'm willing to say might have been a criticism he came up with at the beginning of the task, and not something he remembers the client saying one hundred times, but the amazing response of Lenny makes me forget to bitch about it: "No, it's not." Bill's like, whoa, because not only is that true, but it's something the executives said outright. Maybe Lenny just ignored them saying it?
Bill says it all goes back to the meeting with the executives -- since Trump seems to think that, but also because it's true -- and overrules Charmaine's attempt to interrupt. For once, I wish she'd follow Lenny's instructions and STFU, because I like her more and more every week but she so does not need to talk all the time. Especially in the BR. "That meeting was about asking the right questions. Synergy asked the right questions. These are the people judging you." Lenny, again not getting it: "We're not trying to please the judges." Which is all very nice if you're campaigning for the Bryce Memorial Award for Being A Very Wonderful Person Who Was Raised In "A Certain Way," but has nothing to do with the fact that you're on a stupid game show. Bill's like, "You...want to win, though?" Lenny explains to them very self-importantly that they were "working for the kids," and Trump tries to get him to understand that the kids weren't the ones judging. And I don't really think he's making some huge moral point anyway, because the whole point of having the B&GC guy there was to approve the rooms for use, and somebody affiliated with something called "The Boys And Girls Club" might reasonably be expected to know what works best for Boys and Girls and their Club. Even more than Lenny! Lenny and Lee moralize some more about how, even if it damned them for eternity, they'd still want to make children happy, because they truly believe that children are our future and need to be shown the beauty they possess inside, and behind Lee, Lenny's riding a papier-mâché Jesus on wheels back and forth across the Boardroom while waving an American flag, but for once Trump's not distracted by empty sentiment, because they're talking about money and competition and pleasing clients, which will always win, both with Trump and in actual real life. Trump tells Lenny that plenty of people aren't that into music, and don't really like singing and dancing, and Lenny ham-fistedly tries to play the comedian card -- "You do, right?" -- but it's too little, too late. "Yeah, I'm a great [fucking] singer," Trump scoffs, as Carolyn laughs in a manner that is 70% "OMG" and 30% "Awkward Is the New Tasty." Bill explains redundantly that the kids aren't businessmen, and that they're not the ones making business decisions. Lenny interrupts all, "Got it, got it," but I don't know that he really does have it yet. Moral superiority is a tough drug to kick, even in the face of most ruinous reality -- especially when it's so quickly and desperately seized upon.
Carolyn asks what happens if the kids break any of the equipment Lenny spent most of the money on, given that B&GC is a non-profit. "What about their TV?" Lenny asks, for at least the third time not actually answering the question in any way, but coming off very bratty and whiny. The business does not have time for your "no cutsies" rule, because the business world has a bottom line. When I was a kid, the people I hated most were the ones that bitched and moaned about being in the front of the line, because everybody was going to the same fucking place, which was guaranteed to be stupid once we got there anyway, so it's not like you were getting anything in particular by being at the front of the line beyond being at the front of the line with a bunch of other poorly prioritized assholes, and to this day the amount of time and energy spent on shit like that -- at the post office or the DMV, or on the highway -- still blows my mind. Because those kids all grew up and now you have to deal with them in those places, and they just make things harder for everybody without any real benefit to themselves, beyond getting to be assholes. And one of those people is Lenny.
Carolyn tells him that Synergy's high-end TV was "one item" -- which honestly is less likely to get broken than the things he bought, considering you can't actually play with a gigantic TV, but the stuff he bought was made to be played with, by adults, which is the difference. He smart-asses that any given drum kit is "one item," and Carolyn doesn't even bother explaining it. "All of it was expensive!" He complains that they have "five keyboards and five guitars," like in a week when the kids have ruined four of each, they'll still be able to have a band. It's pointless and anachronistic and weird and less than intelligent to complain about the evils of Communism, but when I think of the former USSR, this is exactly what I see: one keyboard without a stand and covered in jam, one guitar that's missing quite a few strings, and a pile of junk, and no money to deal with it, and some dude going, "How could we have known this was a bad idea?" But I realize the only reason I'm thinking about that is Lenny's area of origin, so it doesn't count. Lenny gets very smart-mouthed with Carolyn when she says it's a lot of money to not worry about, given that he was all about appearances and not -- ironically -- sustainability. "One hundred dollars for a keyboard! Is that a lot of money?" (Google "New Russian" to see why that's funny.) And Carolyn's like, "Fucking yes? You're talking about kids below the fucking poverty line?" And honestly, you can't do a walkthrough of a Boys & Girls Club anywhere, like they did, without grasping how dire that shit actually is.
Trump asks Lenny to admit that he was bad in the presentation, and he does, and Carolyn -- her ire rampant now that Lenny's demonstrated ignorance of the economy of scale, which is the system by which she organizes everything from middle management to her sock drawer and the order in which she loves her children most -- is on him again: "Then why did you do it?" Lenny says, "Ask Lee." And I don't even know what he means, because I don't care, because they can both go to hell. Bill asks if Lee is Lenny's attorney, and Lee explains that they have an understanding about how he articulates himself better, and Carolyn's like, "Then you should have presentation." Lee agrees. Trump points out that Lenny is "great at other things," but beyond being a funny dancing Russian monkey, I'm not sold that Trump could say what those are, and he's speaking just on faith. Not that I don't agree, Lenny's awesome in a lot of ways, but I doubt Trump knows shit about it. Lee explains that his fear was that it would show weakness if someone other than the PM did the presentation, and I'm too tired to link to all of the examples of this, but he's got a point, historically. Bill points out that this still isn't the point, because the presentation isn't why they lost, and Trump kind of gently overcorrects that maybe if the presentation was "great," they could have convinced the execs the room was better. Which is untrue, and just a way of backhanding the whole argument, because everyone in the room at this point -- except Lenny, and Lee would never admit it -- agrees that the task was lost at the first executive meeting. And what's really frustrating is that most of the team knew that at the time, but the bullshit kept getting in the way. Which is intensely exasperating, because honestly, Charmaine could have been Lenny's key guy in this task, but he was too flustered to deal with her, so it's his fault -- except that was obvious, and she didn't correct for it, so it's kind of her fault too. She's smart enough to adjust to him, whether or not he's smart enough to adjust to her, and vice versa. I just like her more than I have since the beginning, but I admit that they were both stymied by the same thing.
Lenny tells the V&T that he never lost control of the team, "not for a minute," and I wonder how many minutes there are in the 72 hours he was apparently gallivanting around town with Lee while the other 2.5 members of the team got the shit done, but I know that was at least in part for dramatic effect. Charmaine says that if it weren't for her, Lenny wouldn't have made the executive meeting at all, and instead -- again -- of answering this with anything like a response, he goes all ad charmainum: "Ooooohhhhhh, if it weren't for you it would have been a nice task." She's like, "Um, without the 2.5 actually onsite, you wouldn't have had a fucking floor," and he...I'm getting so tired of this shit. "It would have been a better task without you! And I wish you weren't there!" Just fucking fire him already. There's no point to any of this. Person A says some valid criticism, and he responds about something completely unrelated but including the implication or outright statement that they can go fuck themselves, and game play passes to the left. And it's been like this every fucking episode, and it's so, so exhausting. I like Lenny, I do, but he's just got the one fucking trick, and if he doesn't go home tonight -- specifically right now -- I am going to freak out, because I am so, so tired of his one fucking trick. "I can't believe this!" Charmaine vapors over her mint julep -- not to make fun, I thought it was fairly mind-blowing myself -- and he outright lies about how she "didn't do anything but paint two doors," and then tattles to the V&T about how she "complained about the red paint." Like, just because it made you feel bad and make a frowny face doesn't mean it was a misstep or that it ruined the task, and it's kind of freaky for you to say that in that definitive tone, like the V&T are going to be all, "She WHAT?" Charmaine flips the script on him: "That's true, I didn't like his color choices at all." Which is brilliant, because either they're going to ask why that matters, or they're going to let it pass as value-neutral, but either way it's not feeding the whole "Charmaine is a worthless cunt" concept he's selling, and almost seems to detract from it simply by her agreement.
Wait, I forgot option three -- I always do this! -- which is: "Trump is either disabled in some way, or completely out of his fucking gourd." Instead of addressing either Charmaine's disloyalty and constant undermining of the Lenny Monolith, or the fact that his color choices weren't smart (and I feel strongly that this is an editing thing, because it's not a huge hop to what he says , but it's funnier when they cut right to him talking instead of making it make sense): "You like red because you're from Russia!" They laugh about that for a while, and it's embarrassing as ever.
Trump asks Charmaine if she thinks Lenny's a good businessman, and she answers much as I would. In fact, I think he's a very good businessman, and a good man period. "I'm sure -- but in terms of leading and managing a team, he wasn't effective on this task." Lenny -- linguistics rears its ugly head once more -- both hears this as "[general negativity directed toward Lenny]," as we'll see in a sec, but also takes the bad rhetoric way out: "How can you say I'm a good businessman but a bad leader?" Considering she said neither, do I have to tell you what happens ? Whatever, Charmaine tries to tell him about the "on this task" that he didn't hear because he was too busy reacting to his feeling of badness about what she said, and not what she actually said. This "feeling of badness/goodness" has its place, because you have to assume all managers react this way, because they don't think as fast as you think they do, so you have to lead with the positive, or the not-negative at least, because they stop listening right then. No matter if they're Russian, you're Southern, whatever. Ears stop working when you ask them to do shit they can't do.
"Charmaine, who would you fire?" Of course, Lenny. Trump ribs Leslie about her Schrödinger level of involvement with this show we call The Apprentice, and she bitches about how she's not really that FUTR, even though she is, and then threatens -- charmingly, and not in a way that offends anyone, especially Trump -- to beat him in "swimming, tennis and volleyball," in such a way that he's completely charmed by it. Everybody giggles, Carolyn and Bill smile of course because Trump's laughing, and then Leslie noncommittally says that ultimately "the PM" should get the cobra because "he led us and we lost." Leslie, help me out here. Trump tells Tarek, mentioning Mensa, to explain the loss. Tarek smiles wonderfully and does a good job of not coming off like the prick he can often be, about how the theme was okay but underdeveloped, and mentions also that he, Leslie, and Charmaine laid down the entire floor without the Lenny/Lee Omnibus Being, and it took hours.
Trump points out to Lenny that, as usual, everybody thinks Charmaine did a good job except for Lenny. "Why do you think Charmaine did a bad job?" And Lenny goes buckwild about how he thinks that because she did, because it's a conspiracy against him. Trump, to his credit, ignores this, and asks Tarek who should be fired (Lenny) and why: misallocation of resources, no-good theme, major disorganization. Lenny gets all tiresome again, not answering the accusation: "People like Tarek always stab from behind," he says, and Tarek looks hurt and exasperated, but, like: this is why, if there were a television show called Discussing Stuff With Guilty Pre-Teens, I wouldn't watch it, because fucking deal with it, Lenny. You shirked, and nobody else is to blame for that. Lee throws out some "as an inner-city kid" bullshit about Lenny's wonderment, and Carolyn shakes her head as Trump tells him to drop the bullshit, which was awesome. Lee says that Charmaine should be fired, and Carolyn goes ballistic: "You really believe that Charmaine did a worse job than Lenny? I'd like to know why you're defending Lenny! [And if] you wanted him to succeed, why did you let him do the presentation?" I cross my fingers they'll both fucking leave, and he starts in on the whole "showing weakness" part. Carolyn's like, "Um, or it would show strength? To choose the best most articulate person?" Lee makes a sad face, as I've said thirty times in every recap but only learned to really mean with this episode. Shut up, Lee. Go do some Benadryl commercials or something about how sad your allergies make you.
Trump asks who he's bringing back, and Lenny scoffs: "So easy! Charmaine. And Lee." Trump is grossed out by this, and Lee explains that...basically, that he has no sense of self and has installed Lenny as an authority/father figure during this fucked-up whirlwind of a game show, and doesn't feel like he could look Lenny in the face after refusing to be his sacrificial lamb and/or pawn, because that's how pathetic and sad Lee is, and how doesn't that show loyalty and integrity and a bunch of other bullshit Trump occasionally, when he's in the mood, pretends to admire. Bad plan, Lee baby. Trump ignores Lee's continual interruptions as he delivers his final speech, to the effect that Lenny "made a lot of mistakes," was "not a good leader for this task," "tried to put the blame on certain people" that he should not have, "like Charmaine," that the room "wasn't good," "the leadership wasn't good," and then fires Lenny. Finally.
Silence. They stand and thank Trump, who praises Lee's loyalty on the way out (so at least Lee got that out of it, smart kid that he is), and then in the foyer, Charmaine tries for ten thousand years to get Lenny to understand that she wasn't saying anything beyond that he was less than perfect on this task, over and over and over and over until somehow she flips it inside out and starts looking like a whining idiot, as he pointedly ignores her and hugs the other contestants and kisses them on the cheek one by one and says goodbye, all the time with Charmaine at his shoulder yakking about "Please like me? Please, please, please don't hate me?" Which makes me like her less, but doesn't make me like him more at all, and he finally shares that he doesn't "like people with ten thousand faces," and takes his leave, and the whole time Charmaine is screaming about how she's just got the one face, and it's sad and stupid and annoying, because: you're still not understanding the actual problem, and it's even more boring and irritating than Ross and Rachel or whatever. Except this isn't drama for narrative, just drama because they're both mostly great but also kind of dicks.
Trump tells the Viceroys that Charmaine was "absolutely right with every point," which, say what you will, but as usual, in terms of strictly the facts, she was -- so it was between Lenny and Lee, and that was not a close contest. Carolyn says, and for once I don't feel like I really know what she's implying, that "in that case," it was "easy," and Bill says some pointless prayer to the ineffable rightness of Trump, and in the Crazy Taxi Lenny returns the favor of Lee's hyperfocus on him, talking about he wishes everybody luck, "Especially Lee," and then talks about Lee's doomed ass for a good long while like he's even possibly going to win. Lessons learned are bitsy this week: speak their language, don't expect them to speak yours. Identify what they're not hearing you say, and say it in a way they can understand. And don't think you're a martyr: it's your responsibility to say things in a way other people can understand. We're not in your dialect, you're in ours.