Previously, but secretly, on The Apprentice: Melissa was thirsty and horrible and couldn't shut up. Diagnosis: Rabies. Then Marshawn trampled on Felisha's brochure ideas, causing them both to cry -- which again, my dear, women in business simply should not do -- and Toral got hilarious about how lame they are. Chris preferred mark's functioning illiteracy to Markus's big bag of bullshit, and was fired, and I was sad, because I like him. Jennifer W. threw a party so lame even 80-year-olds and Carolyn were like, "This fiesta blows, bizzatch! Break out the hooch!" Then Toral explained HDTV to a blind woman, fantastic, and urged the old blind woman to "take the good with the bad." Then the old woman punched her right in her stupid face: "Find the good in that, you giant asshole!"
Markus slept in and made everyone late, then demanded breakfast, and Adam almost smacked him. Winning proved to be against Toral's fake religion, and she was cobra'd and it was awesome, and then Billy Corgan called to tell me he found Toral "a tad delusional." Jen M. said Zenthura one million times and it was still incredibly hilarious, and Kristi was fired for being mean to her. I still think she's cool, but in her exit interview she said "the difference between me and the rest of the world" and no matter what follows, that phrase makes you a jackass. I hate that "say it to my face" bullcrap, because it exculpates you from grownup responsibilities like reading body language and knowing what the etiquette of a situation is. It just takes the whole thing off your shoulders. Hate it.
Alla thought about taking Markus out execution-stylee after he dicked around for four hours, calling him the new Toral, and failed to convince superstud77 (Google it, you'll thank me) that she wasn't his mommy, but won anyway. Josh made an enormous asshole of himself at happy hour, putting Brian on shout about his crush on Jen M. Marshawn tried to help out with the public speaking, making the most romantic and effective plea of all of them, but it was still a bloodbath, but Brian worked it out adorably: even if the perspective to Jen M. made him look like he had tiny T-Rex arms, they were sexy and yearning to hold you tenderly as only a T-Rex can. Randal and Marshawn fought about epistemology and expertise, and Brian and Rebecca were weird about this, but Markus is a total fuck-up, and superstud77 never met a person he couldn't offend, so it was fine. Adam and Alla had a sun-through-the-clouds moment about his virginity, which ended up being kind of sweet.
“ Felisha: wallflower, majordomo, and intermittent folk singer/doormat with a gift for diplomacy and secret smarts. Alla: soul-eating and somewhat abrasive but charming self-made multi-millionaire with a future in demagoguery. ”
The Star Warstask was so boring I don't even remember the forgotten footage, and then Randal and Rebecca had a whole problem about Jid's picture on his poster, which admittedly had more problems than just the picture. This is ironic because they caught one big aspect of the issue, and skipped the whole V-Chip issue altogether. Interestingly, she went to superstud77 to complain, which seems like a smart move in order to get him on her side -- he likes to bitch, and it would at least get him off her back for a few seconds. Superstud77 fixed the picture, and Rebecca was happy with him for a second, until the giant violin started.
Then the cool secret footage petered out, and we considered briefly our Final Five. Adam: a virgin, socially and utterly nave, but really smart and a hard worker. Rebecca: more intense than an elevator ride in the company of Betty Applewhite, Irina Derevko, and Kit McGraw from Nip/Tuck, but smart and "sophisticated." Felisha: wallflower, majordomo, and intermittent folk singer/doormat with a gift for diplomacy and secret smarts. Alla: soul-eating and somewhat abrasive but charming self-made multi-millionaire with a future in demagoguery. And Randal: puppy-saver, water-walker, grandmother-mourner and peacemaker, kind of boring but with a degree in whatever the hell you'd like, and the people and business experience to back it up.
Tonight!
That awful Levi Kreiss song plays us up to the suite, which is annoying except for how Adam, Alla and Felisha are all stretched out on the couches, singing it to each other. It's like a very skinny, well-dressed Babysitter's Club. Even Felisha -- never one to self-edit the dorkiness -- is like, "Yeah, I wasn't over-invested in this task at all." So cute! And Adam: so sleepy and cuddly! And Alla, so proud-papa with her affectionate looks and applause all around. They watch Felisha dancing around in her shiny, shiny pants with the intense love of Chris, Mark, Josh, and James. I'd just hate it if they turned on each other. But they are the Three Amigos! The Musketeers! The Chipmunks! That could never happen...could it? Well, only if this show wants to maintain my interest. Alla hilariously mourns the foregone-conclusion of superstud77's firing, sweetly remembering how he made her breakfast every morning. Every morning, people. I want more unseen footage of Alla and superstud77, because they get more intensely Grey Gardens about each other every time it comes up.
Alla interviews that Rebecca and Randal will have to call upon their "so far nonexistent" creative abilities for this task, or else they're "done." Felisha sings The Apprentice end-of-episode Tension Theme as Adam welcomes Rebecca and Randal back to the suite, and they excuse themselves for a debrief. Rebecca intensely sort-of apologizes about calling Randal "uncreative" in the Boardroom, and Randal clarifies that there's a difference between questioning his judgment, and saying he didn't step up, and by conflating those two, she gave a much bigger smack to his performance than perhaps she intended. I'm not sold that she didn't actually mean to do just that, but it's how Randal talks, like how he told Kristi there were possibly assholes in this world, and they might be acting in a certain way, and if she was in fact acting that way, it was perhaps the case that she was an asshole. Rebecca knows what he's saying, which puts her one better than Kristi in this situation, and nods curtly. And intensely.
“ Keep it out of the Boardroom and concentrate on staying there, so that your record speaks for you regardless. Acknowledge it and clear the air with your teammate, but stay focused on the task. In front of the Viceroys, show your competence and enthusiasm as much as possible without seeming insane. ”
Randal interviews that "perception means a lot" in this game, and that all Trump has to go on is every single word he hears, because it all adds up to a mental picture of Randal's performance, so that in the end the Boardroom impression would be that Randal has slacked on the last two tasks. Which, he informs Rebecca, is the opposite of the case on this last task. Rebecca fully apologizes at this point, and then interviews that either way they have to work together and win, so why worry about it. She then gets very Rebecca with him, and it's glorious: "You push me as hard as you can possibly push me, and I will do the same thing for you." Randal's like, "Um, yeah. Let's do that."
I think that's actually what it's like in her head, you guys. I've talked about this before, like how when she wakes up in the morning she first laughs bitterly that the snooze button is for the weak, then lies there for a second planning her attack on the coffeemaker, then springs across the room in one mighty leap and defeats her clothes, then does the Times crossword with a switchblade and clotheslines her RSS feed, wrestling it to the floor and squeezing it blue for up-to-the-minute news and gossip, all within fifteen minutes. While timing herself. Maybe it's imaginary Rebecca I'm in love with. Clearly I want to be her, at least.
While they agree on getting even more hardcore and intense with each other, and it seems cool, Randal interviews once more that even though she apologized, there's still the issue that this misperception of his back-seating it is out in the ether. Which is a good outcome, for the situation: there may be lingering trouble, but I find there's a subtext here that he's shouldering the burden of disproof. Which, admittedly, can only happen once he's back in the Boardroom, but at least it's a lot better than some people might have reacted, Clay and Markus. They got to the point the second they got back to the suite, Rebecca opened the lines of communication about the comments, they cleared it out and she apologized, and both acknowledged that it's about moving forward. Even with just two of them that's still precisely the opposite of what Cap Edge did numerous times in this circumstance, not to mention the fact that Randal's concerns had legitimacy, and weren't merely based in "hurt feelings" crap. Not that the situation could have been reversed -- Randal's way too cool a cucumber to say something that unconsidered -- but still. Hopefully they're actually good about it, and can get moving. Randal gives a hoo-rah ("Let's do this tomorrow") and Rebecca gives it right back. Good deal.
How Do You Cope With Adversity? Your teammate has just, inadvertently or not, put you on blast as a lazy bitch in front of your boss. Do you:
A. Complain to your teammates.
B. Complain to your boss.
C. Complain to the camera.
D. Overcome any forthcoming obstacles in such a way that nobody can deny your power, and talk loudly about how powerful and amazing you are at every opportunity. Using as many overblown and ridiculous metaphors as you can, if possible.
E. Keep it out of the Boardroom and concentrate on staying there, so that your record speaks for you regardless. Acknowledge it and clear the air with your teammate, but stay focused on the task. In front of the Viceroys, show your competence and enthusiasm as much as possible without seeming insane.