Trump steps up and gives the teams a pretty simple task: step up to create and market a new character advertising the Dairy Queen Blizzard, a blended ice cream dessert. Capital Edge steps up with a nondescript cartoon character that's like a living dessert cup, and Excel steps up with Genie, who's like if the Carver from Nip/Tuck were somehow not only a serial killer who slashed people's faces up, but also sold delicious ice cream desserts. It's horrifying.
Clay steps up as PM for the men, which suits them fine since they're still smarting from his passive-aggressive pick-pick-picking from last week, while Capital Edge steps up and votes Felisha in after Toral fails to show any initiative whatsoever, except of course that required to step up and talk some mess about anyone she's ever come across. It's nasty, she's nasty, and the phrase "step up" is used about four hundred and seventy thousand times, making it officially the most irritating, obnoxious phrase in the English language. Clay's managing style is judged to be needlessly abrupt and yelly, while Felisha steps up to giving in to the Great Blonde Willpower that runs everything, and pretty much rules.
Luckily for Clay, Toral hijacks the entire episode by stepping up and making an exasperatingly huge deal about how she doesn't want to dress up as Zippy The Ice Cream Idiot, which would be fine except how -- spurred on by the Mean Girl solidarity of the Blondes -- she's eventually driven into a crazy-person corner and steps up all about how dressing like a giant milkshake is against her religion. I'm so sure, Toral. God. Only if your religion is the Church Of Giant Assholes. Toral chooses to step up and do nothing whatsoever, instead, and also steps up to telling huge lies to anyone who will listen.
Meanwhile, on the men's team, it's super-ridiculous and embarrassing in every way, as Mark steps up as a creepy (in description and in execution) Ice Cream Maiden, and Adam steps up about singing some karaoke song they write about ice cream. Josh steps up to be snarky and cool on the sidelines, Randal steps up to be doggedly helpful, Markus doesn't step up with any more of that "turd" talk, and James, Adam, and Brian finally step up to get some kind of airtime, and they are cool. Well, Adam's dorky but in an awesome way. There's way too much of Mark's junk stepping all up in your grill in the revealing Ice Cream Lady outfit.
The Viceroys are impressed with the teams, and the teams are impressed with themselves, but ultimately Capital Edge is jacked by their understandable group hatred of Toral and desire to exploit her inability to "step up" to destroy her, so Excel gets the reward: stepping up to playing baseball with the Mets.
In the Boardroom, the dirty Capital Edge secret of Toral's total craziness steps up (again) and the team steps up to turn on her (yet again), only this time, even Rebecca can't help but step up about noticing what an ass Toral is. Trump steps up to fire Toral without even blinking or asking anyone back into the Boardroom, and it is the most delicious ice-creamy treat you ever did taste. Toral The Unforgettable Business Genius is sent stepping back up to Crazytown, and the Excel team steps up to unanimously give Clay his exemption.
The entire teaser takes place over last week's unending, torturous Boardroom, as the Blonde Coven nurse their massive headaches about how Toral's going to be busting their nuts right into the Boardroom every week for the rest of the season. Most delightfully, the recap includes the awful exchange between Trump and Toral where he tells her to enjoy the view that Rebecca bought her, and her snitty and smarmy "Thank you, I will." I can't believe I ever said she was cute. God. While everybody's waiting for Rebecca, Jen W., and/or the totally safe Jen M. to return, Markus and Toral drink some wine and feel great about themselves some more.
Kristi -- bitterly, like I need to note that -- bitches that Toral isn't even wasting her time waiting for Rebecca, especially since Kristi's convinced that they're never going to see her again. Felisha, who has a really intriguing face, tells us that Rebecca's decision was less about loyalty than stupidity, and that "she's going to go home for it." Gee, I hope they don't hold this against her forever and ever. I wonder how much they hate her going to bat for Toral because of Trump's praise of it, and how much is because...well, because it was retarded, and aligned her with the hated Toral.
Rebecca and Jennifer (née the triumphant Jen M.) return, and everybody's happy to see them. Kinda. Toral lugs her wine in there as an afterthought, as Kristi and Felisha are somewhat nice to Rebecca. Kristi does that "everything's on my face" fakeout, all, "I didn't expect to see you back! I really didn't! You must've held it good in there!" She's got just enough of the wide-eyed innocence that I still kind of believe her when she does this shit. Like when she was so pleased by Rebecca's broken ankle -- how much was viper ambition and how much was sisterhood? Nobody can say. I really go back and forth with her. I like her this episode. Meanwhile, Toral skulks around and stares creepily, because if she graduated with any of those contested degrees we keep hearing about, number one is: skulking and bitching and being ungrateful.
Rebecca immediately impresses me again: "As a team," she says, they have "a lot to talk about before [their] task." I love how that leaves the door open to whatever the Bloven is interested in discussing: like, whether they're all about "leaving it in the Boardroom," like Josh last week, or "bitching me out for selling everybody down the river for no good reason," or "how to kill Toral" -- she wants to take the temperature first, and is notifying them of her openness to that up front. She confides in us the basically obvious fact that Kristi, Alla, and Felisha "really wanted to understand why I didn't bring Toral into the boardroom, and what my thoughts were." I wouldn't mind hearing about those myself, even though I really enjoyed seeing that shit work itself out in the last Boardroom.
They all lounge on the beds in one small room, like all good sorority sisters do when they've got their knives out, and Felisha negligently indicates Toral on her left with a tossed-off wrist. "I hope sincerely that we get to see what you see in Toral...it felt like you were just going 'here's my friend, I'm going to protect her,' when we've not seen what you...apparently have seen out of her." See, I've been liking Felisha's AAUGH reaction shots, but I think that was brilliantly worded. Throughout the episode, she consistently gives you the option of proving you're not the idiot or asshole that you clearly are. It's a fun strategy. Rebecca nods, and acknowledges that Toral is to all appearances worthless: "I do see something in Toral, and I guarantee you that you will see her step up on the task. I guarantee it." Kristi descends like an adorable harpy, with the hate finger all up in your face. "For each task that we've had, have you, Toral, given...your all, in every single task?" Toral, who has not yet and will never see the snares looping slowly around her feet like vines in that one Star Wars movie, is like, "Uh, probably not." I would have slapped her. Just LIE! Blame-shift! Something! She goes blue-screen every single time -- this isn't merely "stepping up" to make a brilliant marketing decision, or do something stupid or whatever, it's "stepping up" to take part in a fucking conversation! Which is about her! Her favorite thing ever!
Toral interviews one of the dumbest things anyone has said this season, and it's so sad that it's in an interview, because it's not like she's getting overwhelmed in the conversation like she usually does. There's like just a guy pointing a camera at her who couldn't care less: "My strategy was really to take an extremely passive approach, to allow each person to implode, because I just didn't think that these people would be able to perform in any manner." Because that's what your beloved "Mr. Trump" likes: bench players. ["And it's only a good strategy if you're not standing off to the side all smugly saying, '…See?' Because that's not a strategy. That's a disorder." -- Sars] She makes a pretty cute face -- although it's the kind of face that implicates me, and I'm so not picking up what she's putting down -- "I'm not completely wrong about that." True enough. Except that the only people your lame-ass strategy have worked on so far are: Melissa, who's like Charlie Manson without the humility, and Jen W., who -- who? Jigga-Dawn? If you want actually well-played sub-radar strategy, talk to Marshawn and Jennifer (Jen M., and that's the last time I'll tell you). I'm just saying -- they've managed to watch lots of people "implode" without incurring the hatred of every goddamn person involved in this show including the viewers, and speaking up when they have something awesome to say. Or something freaky and coked-up, in Jennifer's case -- remember "Lamborghini, motherfucker"? -- but we'll get to that.
In the Rush Chair Bedroom Of Destruction, Toral's like, "I respect that you guys have not seen me 'step up,' as you call it [which, good one, okay, that was awesome], on all of these tasks and if that's something I have to do in the future, I will." Marshawn and Kristi look worried during this little self-exculpating exercise, but I just scream. THE FUTURE IS NOW, YOU GIANT ASSHOLE. I think Rebecca's basically thinking the same thing. Kristi unspools now, because it's clear Toral's not really getting it, the hate, and this is what she totally screams: "Now I'm expecting double, because you owe it to [Rebecca] big-time, because she stood up for you -- [for how] strong and how loyal she is to you, you owe her to bust your butt, because if we end up in the Boardroom and you're still half-assing it, I'll be pissed!" God bless Kristi sometimes, you guys. I don't think I really love her as an employee, although I like her as a PM, but I think mostly that we would get along, due to stuff like this, and that's why I'm so lenient with her bullshit. Toral laughs at this speech early on, and Alla looks worried and grossed out, and Toral moves on to creepy smirking, then shakes her head like it's a shame she's going to be expected to do something. Someday. In the future. THE FUTURE IS NOW, YOU GIANT ASSHOLE.
When I catch sight of Melissa in the credits, I scream a little. Also, Adam's teeth are pretty radioactive too, but it works better on him than Mark, because he has skin like a newborn. Because he is a newborn.
Marshawn answers the phone to Rhona, who is wearing an insane baby-blue jacket with crocheted trim and her tits hanging out. It's awesome. Marshawn can't see it, and it's very early in the morning, and Marshawn is beautiful, but looks like total ass in the morning. Josh does not. Jennifer is wearing a gigantic baby-blue scarf, like down to her knees, and Alla's wearing a crazy horizontal-striped black and white cloth ankle-length jacket. I love how she dresses like Buffy's stripper grandma all the time.
Trump and the Viceroys meet some guys from DQ in the ice cream place in Trump Tower. There's some grotty fake dialogue about how the DQ Guys would love to set up shop in the Trump Tower, but Trump tells them they can when they start paying him rent. How does the ice cream place survive paying rent in Trump Tower? I bet it's one of those "Melania loves ice cream" things. Except: taster spoons only, and then maybe purging. And the blood of virgins. (Watch out, Adam!)
Trump screams at the candidates about the Amazing Trump Tower Ice Cream Parlor I've Never Heard Of and how thousands of people eat Trump Ice Cream and it's their only source of sustenance and they're all Iron Man Triathletes and they can fly, and then introduces this week's exec judges: Dairy Queen's Michael Keller, CBO (the "B" is for "Brand"), and Aric Nissen, VP for Product and Brand Marketing. Remember this, because the two execs we're dealing with are all about branding. I know I go on and on about Trump's indoor voice, but Jesus. He shrieks insanely about how DQ is the NUMBER ONE ICE CREAM RETAILER IN THE U.S. and THE BLIZZARD IS THEIR NUMBER-ONE BRAND and IT DOES THREE QUARTERS OF A BILLION DOLLARS IN SALES ANNUALLY. Trump's like the human equivalent of email spam: WHY LET THE WORLD IN ON YOUR INTIMATE DETAILS? I looked it up, and they were coming up on 5,900 franchises two years ago, and that surprised me, because I didn't think anybody knew what Dairy Queen was. Remember Dennis the Menace? Man.
So the task is to work with a costume designer and create a new "character" and promotional design. The winning team will be the one with the most original character that best represents the brand. It's literally vanilla ice cream, I'll say that right now: I don't envy them. Tom Cruise walks in and drops off $5000 dollars for Brooke Shields's medical expenses, and Trump reminds us that of course Randal is exempt from the Boardroom this week. The camera kind of gleefully focuses on Rebecca, Toral, and Felisha as Trump reminds us that nobody else is safe. Especially Toral. He doesn't actually say that, but then, he doesn't have to, because clearly she's getting eliminated this week. What he does do, though, is fix Toral with a gimlet eye and simply say, "Toral: I think you...have more talent than you've been letting on. So you'd better start shaping up." She nods and equivocates, because whatever "stepping up" actually is, she's allergic to it.
Felisha calls the meeting to order back in the suite, saying the first order of business is to decide on a Project Manager. Toral mealymouths that she would "like an opportunity to step up at some point," but that she doesn't have an "advertising background," and that she'll be happy to be the PM if "nobody else wants to do it." She actually says that. For serious. Alla interviews, looking exactly like Hedwig, "She says I'll take it on if nobody else wants to do it. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" I know, right? Felisha, seeing this as her chance to get in square with the Bloven, immediately offers, "I also don't have a background in marketing, but I think you guys know I love print, I love creating something, I love presentation." ["'I love print'?" -- Sars] The Blondes nominate and choose her without further ado, because she's still the slightly ass-kissy Dratch to their Fey/Poehler Axis of Getting Things Done, and Toral goes crazy in a verbatim kinda way: "Alright let's go Felisha Felisha let's do it no problem no problem Felisha if that's what everyone wants, do it." Oh, every time I quote Toral, or even mention her, assume she's talking over everybody else really loudly and abruptly for no damn reason and being really repetitive and saying "you know what" every five words, because she's horrible. Rebecca is totally bummed in interview: "Toral...didn't step up. I'm not only afraid for Toral, but also for myself, because I stood up for her." Well, good. That'll learn ya.
Quick Quiz! No, screw it. Toral makes it too easy. No homework this week.
Josh nominates anybody "who is very creative and experienced with DQ." Is that a slam on Clay? I hope it's a little slam on Clay. Clay agrees to do it, "based on two conditions." Brian immediately looks apprehensive, because God knows, with Clay. "If I ask you to do something, you do it." That's quite a start to what was already a scary prospect, and there are quick shots of Josh looking dumbfounded and Randal looking scared. Also, "When we schedule stuff, don't be scheduling things without us," is the other condition, and I don't know what that means, but it does in fact come into play immediately. 2A of his contract rider is, hilariously, "If you're hungry don't whine about it." First of all, HUH? And second of all, whenever the corporate sponsor of an episode is a food place, they force-feed them piles of whatever it is the whole time, so they can be seen eating and loving it on camera. Still, though, I love it: I will micromanage your alimentary canal if I so see fit! Clay interviews that he "set down the rules up front" because he's not going to "take any bullshit from anybody." Oh, like the bullshit you gave Randal last week, for example? Uncalled-for and rude and insubordinate and completely agenda-pushing? Bullshit like that?
Clay tells Markus to set the meeting with the graphic designer "for ASAP," and continues to tell us that coming in all guns blazing will "show the guys that I can lead, and that I'm not afraid to put them in their place if they won't listen." I have a problem with that, the "put them in their place" part and the "if they won't listen" part, because they're not five, but I let it slide with Rebecca so I'll let this slide too. Mostly it's just the way he gets all Vicki Lawrence all over the place whenever he has an opinion, like just assuming they're like these rowdy boys and he's the overworked and slightly disapproving mother hen. I wonder if this chest-out gorilla posing is about the gay thing, or the "small-time small-town real estate" thing. Like those are two different things, but whatever. If you don't think of yourself as a real dude, the real dudes know that, and no amount of throwing your pearls around is going to throw them off. Just be yourself, Clay. I like you, kind of, and so do they. Kind of.
Markus tells Clay that the design guy bartered him up from 11:20 to 11:30, which is totally not ASAP o'clock, and Clay gets to throw a fit, so he does. Markus dives right back into the dork hole, all sniveling and "Because! To give us time to get ourselves ready for it." They're both just being so vapid and petulant about it and I'm like, test your boundaries on some other task, Markus. Please. They're going to work themselves into a knot of bullshit that nobody can unravel. James interviews in this amazed kind of way how "once Clay put that PM jacket on...it was Clay's way or the highway." All the guys are kind of blamflasted about it, but also kind of love it, and so it ends up working, but not the way any of them thinks it will. This is the entire point of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, this whole enjoyment of getting yelled at by homos to shape up and act right, and I don't even think I get all the math there, and I think we're better off not pondering it, but anyway it's a time-honored dynamic.
Clay lectures Markus: "From now on, if I ask you to schedule something ASAP, don't do it for an hour later." I would have killed for him to then go on and explain what ASAP stands for, but he doesn't. Markus just ferrump-ferrumps about "No problem, my man," and Clay is so done with him. Clay wants to be ready by one and have all their research done, everything. The boys duck their heads and do whatever he says and it's mysterious.
In the midst of a whirling brainstorm, Felisha's spazzing out about how "We are the demographic!" but I don't know what she means. I guess most of them are small southern-towners. With the exception of Tooooral, of course, who is from the Principality of the Awesomosity of Greater Pretentia. Marshawn offers a spoon character: "Call him 'Scooper.'" I would call him "Spooner" and have him talk about Quairy Deen all the time, but it's a red-state world. Everybody says crazy words like "Spin. Spinning. Spinner. Spinner? Spinrius Rucker? Spurricane? Spinderello? Spinneret? Spindiplodocus?" and finally somebody decides to put Operation DUMBO Drop into effect, and asks Toral her ideas.
"Blizzard Blister?" Tasty. "Blizzard Booster?" Blizzard Ombudsman? "Boost-Off?" I'm June Allyson for Boost-Off… Felisha tells us that Toral was a "non-factor" from the start, and that her comments tend to be "completely off-track." She continues: "Blizzard bumblebee?" Kristi doggedly notes everything down on the butcher paper. "…Blizzamarole?" Everybody stares. "What did you say?" "Blizzamarole." They all laugh. "Yeah. [Look it up, I think she says.] Blizzamarole." Kristi looks troubled. It's ridiculous, but only because it's impossible to say, spell, or enjoy. Rebecca is asked for her list: "Zip. Zam. Zoom." Everybody loves "Zip." Alla likes it because it is short and quick and to the point, because in Soviet Russia, the trains run you on time. Jennifer goes off on how "Zip" is going to be totally cute and have "personality" and "big eyes and lips" and a spoon, and he'll have a magic backpack containing all the Blizzard ingredients and he'll "just zip it all together." I love Jennifer because, like, that's what would make her buy things: a giant milkshake with big cute eyes that just zips around and cheers people up! Toral asks if that isn't a little "goofy," and Carolyn watches silently. Somebody -- I'm guessing Kristi -- is like, "Duh, it's supposed to be?" Like, how delicious would a giant, erudite Byronic milkshake be, all rambling emotionally over blasted heaths and smoking a pipe in stentorian libraries. With a zippy little clubfoot. Gimme!
Jennifer asks them to put the Dairy Queen logo on Zip's t-shirt, and Alla is really opposed to the idea. Jennifer interviews about how as a former beauty queen, she's used to people underestimating her all the time. I bet that's true, because not only is she not so "former" in her beauty queen-ness, but also because she's not constantly pushing herself to the front of the stage screaming about how brilliant she is with her shirt pulled up over her giant brain like some people, Toral. Felisha asks -- like it's random -- that Marshawn, Toral and Rebecca stay behind to do...something...and she and the Bloven will be meeting the design guys. Carolyn looks so incredibly beautiful as she tells us how these three are being left out of some kind of weird group vibe, and I think she's right, but I also think that: Marshawn can take care of herself, and also tends to vanish anyhow; Rebecca is like a wolverine and will do whatever you want, and do it well, all the while feeding and diapering Toral with the other hand; and I wouldn't take Toral cow-tipping.
In the shuttle, the Bloven are enjoying the Zip sketch. Kristi's getting hyped and goggle-eyed about the concept of teamwork all, "Everybody added something," and for once she's being cool, and then Felisha snorts: "Well, everybody in this van," and even Kristi's like, "Yeah well, you know." She looks away, out the window, because she's not completely on board with this random potshot, which isn't even true. The thing here is that Felisha feels like she's finally in the girl's club for real, with Jennifer W. gone, and so she is just getting in there and bitching like Kristi and Alla sometimes do, but like, she's the only one laughing. If we have learned one tiny thing from Judy Blume, it's this: you are not the Heather that grows back. Those are born, not made. And certainly not made by being a gaping hole of insecurity. I like Felisha just fine, but this moment was a total dick move, and just shows she's not really Bloven material. If you have to think about it, and if you're so aching for approval that you commit a fuckup like that, you're just...Blubber. And that will bite you in the yoyo-dieting, acne-stricken ass every time.
Mark, and the rest of Excel, want the campaign to be "dramatically different." They totally succeed. Especially if they mean "dramatically different from anything that will let you sleep through the night without waking up in a cold damn sweat." Adam talks about the idea of "magic," the "magic" of Dairy Queen, and they decide on Ginny, the DQ Genie. I find it interesting because DQ kind of already has a female mascot, even if you never see her, and that's the Queen Of All That Is Dairy, and I'd rather see Mark dressed up as that than as the stuff of nightmares. Josh hype-talks to the crew about how Ginny is, for a young kid, "motherly," while to a tween, it's "sexy." Gross, gross, gross. I mean, I get it, and people in Japan dress up like Ronald McDonald and fuck each other, and Betsy Braddock can get her legs behind her head, but you are talking about fucking a person made of ice cream, okay, and the ice cream person you're fucking? Is wearing a fez.
In counterpoint to Alla's hatred of the conventional wisdom and truism of "brand as product," Clay squeals that her belt buckle should be "totally DQ!" I have not told you what it looks like yet. It's like Predator in that way: you never see the whole thing at once, and then...you totally do! And you scream! Randal tells us, very fucking optimistically, that people "will want to hang out with her, they'll want to do...everything with her." (Beat.) "And come get a Blizzard!" The delivery on this is really, really cute and hard to describe, but Randal is really funny. Mark accompanies Clay to what Clay calls "izzyquierredo studio" for the costume design.
Once at Izquierdo, which is totally normal word everybody knows, especially if they're from frigging TEXAS, Clay asks them, brilliantly, for "a genie from Alaska or Antarctica," and the design people nod, because they get it, because all advertising people are the same and they say this shit all the time. He wants her "almost edible," with "flowing hair like ice cream," "fairly large" breasts, and lots of DQ "bling." I get it, it's great, but it's like watching a Lamborghini going through a tunnel at a thousand miles an hour: Nothing has changed, and it never will. The Izquierdans ask who will be dressing up as Ginny, so they can start measuring for the costume, and the guys are somewhat flummoxed. But see, they were meant to design a costume, for one thing, and the other: this show is designed to humiliate you. Which part of this memo have you still not received? Mark steps up, so to speak, and offers without a second's pause.
Clay finds this bizarre. Why? Has he ever met another Southern guy before? He likens it to being a "drag queen." Why? Because it's a costume of a female person? That's dumb. This is dumb. The established gender roles going on here mean that nothing's being called into question, it's just a razz, and anyway, without any implications about Mark happening, this is more like dressing up like anything he considers kind of dumb or inferior. Something completely non-him like that. Missquierda is like, "This is a drawing of a woman. But you're wearing it?" And Mark smiles in an incredibly charming fashion: "Right. Give me boobs and a nice mask." He interviews that his "good old redneck buddies" have ever seen a "drag diva queen" (a what now?) like "[he] will be." Southern boys are all the same. Boy cheerleaders get so much ass, you guys, and at least once a year the football team dresses up like big scary girls to cheer a Powder Puff game, but if you let them do it, they'd prefer that every day, like, over anything but maybe Homecoming, they'd do it, because it's hilarious to them. It's not gay, it's just Texas. Well, Kentucky, but you know what I mean. "If I'm gonna have boobs, I want 'em big." Again with the huge, awesome smile, and I think Mark's fairly charming after all, you guys.
Felisha shows the Zip concept drawing to the costume people, for some reason pointing out that there are absolutely no DQ symbols, insignias, trademarks, or any other signifiers marking this character with any kind of brand identity. As above, they're asked for their actor, and Felisha two-ways to Toral to ask politely if she'd be "interested in being the character." The reasons for this are two-fold: number one, Toral's been worthless, and thus does not deserve to show her face in the presentation. The second is that everyone hates her and wants to see her in a funny costume. I'd say it's about 40/60, for the team, and most of that is Marshawn being nice, but for me, it's about 80% the funny costume thing and 20% hoping she'll fall down and poke an eye out. Marshawn and Toral look at each other, and Toral's thinking, "Can you even believe this shit of how I'm being asked to contribute?" while Marshawn's thinking, "Please don't fucking freak out about this." Toral says she'd prefer not to do it, honestly, and to be quite frank myself, that's when she got fired. Even more than when she pussyfooted around the PM thing, this is where she just hands the Bloven the knife and exposes her throat like some kind of dishonored woman in a bad country.
She interviews how "That character was a childish character, and then all of a sudden it comes to me that Felisha is demanding that I do it. I just have to ignore her." All I can hear is, "Hey, hammer this into the ground about what a bitch I am, okay?" Felisha's like, Will do! "I just need you to step up and say, yeah, I'll do that role, if that's where you need me to be." Translation: "I will fry your ass so fast. It's what we call an 'ultimatum,' son." Jennifer laughs bitterly, a full-throated, head-back affair, because we've all agreed to act like Toral's being intractable. Which she is, but it's still fun to act super-scandalized even as she's playing into your obvious trap. Marshawn just ignores the whole thing and keeps her head down.
Toral says it's "just something [she's] not comfortable doing," and Felisha gets this huge headache, all, "Why -- um, why are you uncomfortable doing it?" Toral just doesn't "feel comfortable in that sort of position," but she's totally into helping out "however else" she can, which is no how. She'd like to be involved in the presentation, if possible. Because nothing says success like a surly asshole telling the client how much you hated the entire idea, Markus. Felisha makes sure we're all on the same page, reiterating all, "Okay, well, that's where I needed you to be, and you weren't able to step up to the plate to do it." It's funny, because it's that same Felisha "I'm giving you the opportunity to prove me wrong, please do so at the tone" deal, with added "just so we're clear, you're a douchebag, right?" on top. Kristi starts screaming: "Done! Done! Done! I'm so over her! I'm done! She's done!" It's awesome. Get it, girl! I'm so with you right now that I'm married to Ryan Phillippe! Felisha just looks tired and bored with the whole thing.
Trump Wisdom of the Week: "Maximize potential." See, a good leader has to be able to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of his or her employees. A leader has to know who is really strong, where -- and if they don't do it, it's not going to work out very well for the team or the leader. Trump addresses a seminar or something: "…So get the best people -- and watch them!" They all laugh and cheer this brilliance like there are snipers.
Josh gives them Excel this weird presentation about this little boy who looks into a cup, and then Ginny the Nightmare Genie comes floating out. Adam is really damn excited about the jingle they're going to be writing, and then there's lots of embarrassing singing from Brian and Josh, and if you've ever read a recap by Jacob before, you know that's my total Kryptonite. I hate, hate, hate watching people sing. Like normal people, like people like these. People in suits. It's like getting my eyeballs propped open and being forced to watch Kids, As Good As It Gets, the end of Blair Witch, American History X, Requiem For A Dream, Se7en, Deliverance, Saw, those four scenes in The Silence Of The Lambs, Happiness, the tongue part of Midnight Express, Irréversible, and Misery, all at once, just those parts on a loop, for ten whole horrible years. Whilst eating a beet-and-Vegemite stew. It makes me incredibly anxious. But most especially when Adam starts singing, because...man. He sings this incredibly long, detailed, excited jingle, and it's pretty much exactly like that guy in The Fisher King, and after naming every movie I can think of, apparently, I dissolve into a puddle of embarrassment on the floor.
Almost as troubling is what happens . Heading back to the home conference room, Felisha's acting all tough, all, "She's gonna do it, because I'm the PM and her boss." Alla goes, "I don't think she will," and it's hilarious. Felisha interviews that "Toral is going to be in the costume, end of story, that's how it's going to be," and it's very cute and misguided. Kristi's like, "Toral! Step up!" and Toral starts talking about how there are clearly other people that want to do it, and blah blah blah and Kristi shrieks, "THEY ARE MORE VITAL IN THE PRESENTATION THAN YOU!" Felisha tries to explain that it's not that anyone would rather do it, because they all hate her equally, it's more that "they're hearing your response, and trying to step up to the plate." Confetti comes raining down and a huge buzzer goes off because someone just said "step up" for the hundred thousand kajillion-millionth time. Toral just feels "really uncomfortable" about it and Kristi yells, "Fine!" and mumbles something. Rebecca looks horrified, and Felisha tells Kristi, "Stop." It's pretty cool.
Felisha turns to Toral like the rooster's about to crow for a third time: "Are you telling me that even if I say, 'Toral, this is your responsibility,' you're not doing it? Just be clear." Alla stares, and flexes her claws. Toral is so close to the edge and all it will take is a tiny...little... Somebody asks, kind of desperately, Why? Toral doesn't want to embarrass her future employers, or her family. Jennifer's awesome: "They're not even going to know you're in there, Toral. God." Alla then asks two very excellent questions: "So if I do it, I should be embarrassed?" Which, that's actually the point, because she assumes she's way better than anyone, but especially Team Capital Edge. Question Two: "If we have a construction project and we have to, like, clean up toilets, will your family find that embarrassing?" Cut to Rebecca, with her intensity at full burn. Toral's like, "No, that's different." They all wonder aloud: How? I know that the Bloven is sometimes difficult to take, and they're doing all of this to be bitches, but...every single thing they've said, every issue they've raised, is completely on target, and smart, and I am completely and totally on their side. She's being ridiculous. ["They're also undercutting their points by repeating them. She's not doing it, Felisha, because she sucks; asked and answered. Sideline her promptly and without further comment and move on to the thing, or it makes you look petty." -- Sars]
See: "I don't know why they want me to do it. Imagine if Mr. Trump asked Carolyn to wear that sort of mascot costume, you know? I'm sure she would tell him to take a hike!" No, they wouldn't, but I'd like to take a moment to introduce you to a little friend of mine called the Categorical Imperative. It's something you can use every day in your stupid little life, kind of like a check and balance against your natural inclination to be a steaming butthole. It's a little gift from our friend Kant, and it goes like this: "Act so that the maxim may be capable of becoming a universal law for all rational beings." It means that you should only do stuff to people that it would be okay for them to do to you. It's also called the Golden Rule, albeit with a bit more scaffolding, and it's a moral imperative that some people just find comes naturally: abolitionists, pacifists, feminists, humanists. People I like. People I don't like? People like you, who are too good to wear a costume because it's demeaning, but more than willing to let anybody else do it, because they're naturally inferior? Are sickening, and you and I are...better than them. It's somewhat okay to be lazy and skive off, I guess, just don't base your case on the Divine Right of Assholes. You know?
Kristi continues to shriek! "Why would she be still allowed to participate in this, and get credit? We're better off without her! She's BENCHED!" And a thousand people heard this wrong, the first or second time they saw it, and I've watched it like a million times, and she never called her a bitch. And even though that would be terrible and unprofessional, I'm kind of sad about it. Toral's like, "Kristi, just calm down for a second," again, like she's the rational one here, out of the two of them, and Kristi gets in there with the Shame Finger again: "No, no! Just step up to the plate, Toral!" It feels good. Toral's all, "I just can't do it." Hey, remember gym class? Remember when you were in gym class with Toral? Remember how she could make the gym teacher turn purple? Remember? ["Remember how you had no respect for the gym teacher after that? See above. If you're going to bench her, bench her, but don't be a bunch of seventh-grade girls about it, please." -- Sars]
Rebecca interviews that she was "uncomfortable with the way that the team just raked Toral over the coals," and feels like the team has "already made up their minds, and they don't want her here." Insightful, Crutches McObvious. Back to the conference room, where Jennifer is like, "Rebecca. Don't feel bad for her. Please." It's awesome how she says this, like, "Please don't get all upset about this. He was a really old dog, and he had a good life." Rebecca's shaky, but assents.
Mark and Clay are very nervous about the presentation as they return to their team. The boys clamber all over each other like a box of puppies, all about the jingle and the concept and the story and Randal's like, "The genie is lying on the carpet and the ingredients fall into the Blizzard," and there are high-fives everywhere and Adam almost bursts into song again and Clay...just starts bitching. I tried to figure it out for like an hour, but I still don't know what he's bitching about. Just randomly complaining and fitting nonsense words together. Randal interviews about how Clay just wants to "scrap everything" and how dumb that is, and it's the most perturbed I've ever seen him. Markus, because he also speaks crazy, tries to answer Clay's complaints, and that makes no sense either, and then Clay hisses, "Stop! Stop! Two seconds! And I don't want you to speak until I tell you to speak, okay?" Aw, snap. He did not just say that. You know who else said that? Jeff on Martha. You know who I'll beat up if I ever run into him? Jeff on Martha. You can talk a lot of shit and tell me to do a lot of things, but you will not tell me what I can say, or when I can speak. Not when you're the one babbling. Find a better way. Be a fucking manager.
Josh interviews that Clay's being a "tyrant," and that he hopes "Clay's creativity makes up for the fact that he's got his bitch coat off." "There's absolutely zero question in my mind who's responsible," he says, "if we lose this task." And for once he's not bluffing, because he will end up giving Clay his propers by the end of it. Clay addresses the room at large with the entirely worthless "I want to put the fear of losing this into everybody in this room, because I want to win this thing." Adam looks terrified. Randal looks irritated. I'm bored, because again: you're going to henpeck and frighten these grown men into doing a great job? Which they're already doing? While meanwhile you've created something that looks like the unholy child of the Carver from Nip/Tuck and an organ-grinder's monkey with huge tits?
James and Brian accompany Clay and Mark back to Izquierdo, which Mark pronounces correctly, and Mark gets into a bodysuit. It's totally freaky, and will freak you out, but of course they're dudes so they act ten times weirder than that. Brian laughs hysterically, like he's caught in a hysteria, the entire time. James watches, smirking in a frightened manner, as Clay asks the Izquierdess if she can duct-tape Mark. It takes a second for her to figure out what he means, and just in case you also don't get it, we get a tight shot on Mark's junk for about ten minutes. It's...well, it's a body suit. It's not intended to flatter, and that's all I can say. Mark tells us, in case we still didn't get it, how he's not too keen on getting "a certain part taped up." Then they all go outside and pull the wings off flies and make bees fight, because apparently there's actually no such thing as men, just boys in suits.
Felisha and Toral have a pretty cute moment about how we're all feeling "positive!" and how that means we have to "smile!" and it's fun. Kristi bitches to us that she wasn't a part of the presentation -- which is too bad, she's better than a lot of them at that stuff -- because "Toral wouldn't put her butt into the costume, and I finally said [I would] do it. So: I have no respect for Toral, I don't want to talk to Toral, I don't even want to look at Toral. Toral is a friggin' GOOBER." Back in the conference room, everybody laughs as Kristi dances around. Except for Toral, who is in fact an uber-goober. "That suit was an absolute embarrassment, and Kristi just looked like a fool today." She giggles about what a fool Kristi is, and then makes a bigger ass of herself than I've ever seen someone do that wasn't holding political office. With a straight face, she goes, "Again my judgment was 100% on-target." WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT? "Yet again, my infallibility…" Effing Craig Kilborn thinks you're a punk!
Jennifer's back on the Metabolife, we see. Entering the DQ exec's conference room, she immediately starts with that freaky intense sales stuff I admire so much in others. "Who is Zip? Zip is a brand new character, a new creation! Zip is fun, energetic, and full of energy! [Like ME! AAAIEEEE! YEAH!] …We see Zip's huge eyes, cute inquisitive little eyebrows, and a big, big smile! The kids are going to love this! He has all the ingredients for the perfect Blizzard! When someone needs cheering up" -- this is the beauty part -- "Zip takes off in his rocket shoes and zip, ZIP, ZIPS! to the rescue!" Like a monkey on crack, this one. Although this particular monkey has luxurious long blonde hair as well.
Rebecca interviews humorously about how, "when Jennifer showed the executives that Zip goes zip ZIP ZIP! I thought, my gosh this is ridiculous." And yeah, it is, and yeah, the weird playacting of Capital Edge's presentations is always kind of queer and off-kilter, but, like, welcome to advertising, ladies. But the whole thing with sales is that there are people, and I am sadly not one of them, who were born without the little-known embarrassment button, which is located in the hypothalamus. And I'm thankful for them, because they make business happen.
A DQ exec points out that one of the prime marketing targets here is teenagers, and Jennifer babbles, "We shouldn't leave the teens out. I know that Zip will appeal to them." Because, get this, teenagers love gadgets. In fact, adults love gadgets. You know who loves gadgets most of all? Jennifer M. And I love her for it, and I wonder what it's like for the kids she works with in Junior Achievement, because I imagine they have just shitloads of fun all the damn time. And that they think she's mental.
The execs ask how they're supposed to know how Zip is in any way associated with Dairy Queen or Blizzard, and everyone stands perfectly still. Finally, Marshawn has to say, "I can take this one, if that's okay." She points out the swirling shape of the Blizzard, and notes the barely-visible "Dairy Queen" on the spoon, "So we've incorporated trademark components of the Blizzard brand." Good cover, but obviously a cover. While she's saying this nonsense, Felisha (whose fault it is), Jennifer (who is on the downward slide of whatever she just took), and Toral (who is an assclown of the highest order) all nod and smile like scared idiots. The end.
The execs stare as Excel files in. Markus comes in all fnur fnur fnur and puts down a sad little tray of cheese and crackers and grapes and stuff in front of them. They stare at it like they've never seen bad meeting food before. It's so sad. Then! Mark, in the costume, comes dancing in and nods his head at them like I Dream Of Jeannie, arms folded, and jumps around crazily, and Clay welcomes "Ginny The Blizzard Genie."
It's terrifying.
"Her" face is white, like those guys you see in the dark after a scary movie even though you're over thirty years of age, her hat is jaunty, her breasts are ridiculous, her costume is like if Santa Claus joined the Moldavian army, her penis is clearly outlined, the hard-plastic mask attaches to the fabric costume in such a way that she has a Richard Fish-worthy wattle, and her grin...oh, her grin. There's a little bit of the blow-up doll in there, a dash of those clown things you knock over but they don't stay down, some Pennywise, some Killer Klown, those creepy dolls at your grandma's house that come alive at night, and a heaping helping of Robert Blake from Lost Highway. Well, any old Robert Blake, but specifically that one.
Randal says you could "sense a feeling of excitement and enthusiasm," but I think he means "stark trouser-blasting fear." "From her flowing soft-serve hair," Clay dithers, "to her wonderful DQ bling [for real!] all over her body," he goes on and on, about her "royal DQ colors," and ends up exactly where he needs to be, on the square marked "easily adaptable to any retail location throughout the world." Asked why they went with a female character, Clay gives the gayest answer imaginable: "She's larger than life!" That's Ginny with a G! He explains in some kind of fucked-up garblespeak that she'll be attractive to younger girl customers, who are not yet a huge DQ demographic because of all of TV, and that she has "some sex appeal to her" that will appeal to older men. "She attracts a broad base of who you want to attract to Dairy Queen." They love it. They love it. Alone, the execs talk about how Excel "took risks" and is the winner.
Everybody comes back in, and everybody's worried except for Toral, because she is a sociopath. The execs conference in Trump, and tell him that both teams performed very well. They say Zip is an original character, but maybe too geared toward younger kids, and that they're not interested in making a run at the cartoon business. Really, though, the problem is that there's no association with the brand -- the CBO and the VP of Brand Identity saying this -- and that although Zip is "fun," he has...nothing to do with Dairy Queen, or Blizzards, or anything besides how cute and funny and cool and spazzy Jennifer is. Meanwhile, Ginny the Genie evokes the "magic of Blizzard" and "the magic of DQ" and showed a good connection to the target.
Toral, with her extensive experience in marketing and advertising that didn't exist back on page one, gives us the rundown: the problem was a "superficial analysis of the brand," and she smugs up the place about how she was "pleased to see people finally put in their place." Trump, on speakerphone, asks if anybody wants to vote against Clay's exemption for week. They're all silent, and Clay is very thankful. Josh admits that after all that, the reality is that "we did win under his leadership, he made decisions, he did a decent job." Although I agreed with Josh and Chris's original problem with the exemption thing, it still pleases me. I like Josh more than usual this episode. Maybe because he didn't have much to do. The guys, having won, will be playing the Mets at Shea Stadium. Felisha gets grossed out about losing, and Trump reminds us, "Somebody will be fired." The camera considers Toral at length.
Back in the suite, Toral is bitching at Felisha about...whatever. The whole thing. They're both sotto voce, which I admire, because the freakout claws are fully snikt-ed the whole time. Toral is so dumb, she's sitting down on the bed, with Felisha staring down at her. So dumb. Have this conversation across a desk, if you're honestly going to do this whole bullshit shambles of a desperate wank-off. Toral thinks that Felisha could have handled it better. Felisha responds that she handled it over the phone "very nicely." Toral invents how she said that she has "a personal and spiritual belief about that stuff." Blubber, kind of enjoying herself now, notes that she didn't invent that until just now. Toral lies and says that she totally invented that lie way back at the beginning, like before milkshakes were invented she told them all this lie. Felisha said that "personal reasons" sounds like an excuse and has nothing to do with religion, and that was where Toral left it. Toral disagrees, because she's nuts and doesn't actually know she's lying. Felisha -- and this is brilliant, the usual thing she does -- goes, "If you wanted me to know that, and you thought that was your case, you needed to pull me aside so that I could back you as well, and you didn't do that." Cornered, Toral goes back to the beginning of the conversation, how "all she's saying" is that she's "a little bit disappointed in how that was handled." Felisha leans slightly closer: "Well, guess what? I'm disappointed too."
Blubber interviews, absolutely correctly, that after the loss, Toral clearly started thinking, "I could go down for this -- I better come up with a reason nobody can argue with. Oh! God! Whatever my deity is, that's my reason." Which is kind of harsh, but yeah. She runs to Kristi, all, "She's trying to turn this into a religious thing! Respect my religious thing! I'm like, You're so full of shit." Kristi wonders if she actually said that, because you know Kristi would have, which is why I like her. Felisha's like, "If that was the case, and I'm not sure it was…" And Kristi almost jumps up: "Then say it in the beginning! She said it was degrading, she said it was demoralizing…" Jump to Kristi in interview, wearing gigantic pink chenille Mickey Mouse gloves, all, "I can't be in the costume because it's against my religion. Ridiculous! It's not against her religion, that's bull-crap." So cute. She stares off-camera on the last word, just totally exasperated.
At Shea Stadium, the Mets mascot is a giant baseball head. Ironically, baseball is against my religion. ["Aaaand that's how I got fired." -- Jacob] ["'Personal reasons,' that's bull-crap. NOW GET IN THE TUBEY OUTFIT." -- Sars] Mark's got that fantastic grin happening again as he quips, "Quite frankly, if every time I put on a women's dress I could go play baseball with a pro team, I'd be a drag queen every weekend." Ah, Mark. They call Brian "Seabiscuit," which is funny because he's small like a jockey, and they talk about how James played baseball in college, and Adam gushes gaily about how James could probably be in the Mets. Adam seems very...cult-susceptible. Something in the eyes. He's mesmerizing and somehow seems erratic. Like Gabe from Intervention doing that chemistry rap. Something not sparking right in the old carburetor. Josh goes down hard for a fly in the outfield, and is it wonderful? Awesomely so. Some Met tells Excel that he has no talent, but that he follows his dream, and he keeps talking crazy for a while, and then James interviews an embarrassing, weird metaphor about how Excel is like the Mets, because...they will win. ["Um." -- Sars] Trump shows up and everything goes to shit, of course, and he throws a baseball and it's lame.
Having "convinced" Kristi of everything of which they're both already convinced themselves, Blubber moves on to Jennifer. Jennifer is brushing her hair like some kind of female Godfather in this whole part, and looking at Felisha through the mirror as she slowly brushes, brushes, brushes. It's utterly sinister and imposing and fabulous. The first clip is so awesome, and my favorite line of the episode: "It was big this time. I mean, it wasn't just that we didn't like her." Love that. Jennifer's like, "Um, but I don't think Toral was the reason we lost this task." She interview-reminds us that her initial instinct was to put the DQ branding on Zip, but that Felisha didn't push for it. "Who was in charge of strategy? Branding?" Felisha's like, "Everybody?" Jennifer's not worried about it, and totally out-Felishas Felisha: "So no one person was in charge of that?" Like, "How curious." Blubber flounders and watches Jennifer doing her hair.
Meanwhile, Toral freaks out on Rebecca about how the Bloven comes up with "song and dance routines" that don't impress the execs. Valid. "That was their version of a marketing campaign," she snots. In interview, Toral goes on: "These people, for attacking me without cause, I think they just got what they deserved, and I...honestly, I'm happy that they lost." Narcissism, again: since none of this is her fault, it's just something that's happening to her due to everybody else's bullshit, and thus when she gets her ass fired in five seconds, it's because they didn't listen. God. Back to Rebecca, and Toral's on a roll. "Let each of these individuals...they're so stupid! They have no intelligence! They have no backbone! If they try to turn this into a popularity contest, rather than a contest about the issues, about why we failed..." She nods like she's Tess McGill in her own personal fantastic movie where she's amazing. "They're going to get a fight." She smiles, and I wish I could say it's creepy or deluded or something but you know what? It's just boring.
Felisha is wearing an awesome Chanel-ish pink suit with a mid-length skirt, and Alla is now dressed like...a vampire's sexy grandma. They enter, and Toral's already smirking creepily. Trump's immediately like, "Felisha! What the fuck? You didn't even have branding on the character?" She says the thing about the spoon and Carolyn's all over it, and also you couldn't read the name on the spoon. Toral nods in that Markus way where she's like, "I know, right? Silly candidates. Let's fire them all!" George is aghast, because companies spend so many billions a year on brand identity and all that, and Jennifer speaks up. "I suggested it on the t-shirt," she begins, and Marshawn backs her up. "Yes, I remember that. But we changed it." Trump wonders why they would do that, and Rebecca is rueful. Marshawn's like, "There's nothing to say to that." That's taking it a bit far, but I've noticed Marshawn hates silences, especially when the team is going to look stupid if they don't say anything.
Toral is like, "I believe that this group is outstanding at setting up balloons, and cheese trays, and making song and dance routines -- which I believe are parts of event planning. I don't think they're components of strategic marketing. Strategic marketing [about which I do not know anything, or so I will say when I feel like lying, which is all the time] is about placement, product, promotion, distribution, targeting and positioning." All of these things, of course, she continues to screech about while everyone else is attempting to talk, because they're interested in having some kind of a conversation, rather than making crazy-people lists of words. Trump's like, "Okay, Miss Strategic Marketing, where the hell were you on this task?" Kristi goes, "She was nonexistent." Toral screams about how she kept "saying that [list of things] over and over again" and Alla goes, "Nonexistent, that's where she was!" Alla's got panache, yeah.
Toral starts in about how it's a "politically divisive group," which isn't precisely what she means, and complains how "every time there's an idea from this side," indicating herself and Marshawn and Rebecca, it gets ignored or shot down. Trump asks if the "sides" are her and Rebecca versus everybody else, and Toral is like, "You know what? I won't even bring her into this." Such a good friend, that Toral. Felisha shouts, "What ideas? You didn't speak!" Toral continues to interrupt: "You know, every time you have an idea, they roll their eyes and they squelch the idea, Mr. Trump. I would fire Felisha in a minute. She's inappropriate…" Trump's like, "You're totally already fired, but your madness amuses. Why's she inappropriate?" Toral bears herself up regally: "Mr. Trump. Felisha compelled me [ME!] to wear the costume of Zip, and because I did not want to wear that costume…" Trump's like, "The hell you say?"
Toral explains that there are two reasons, which she would "characterize as personal, and also cultural." Talk like a person, Toral. First of all, it takes "a lifetime to build a reputation, and some small judgment errors...really destroy a reputation" and that "wearing a chicken suit or a Zip outfit" is "contrary to the image" she has built of herself in her own deluded mind. Complete the thought, Toral! GOD! Trump's like, "Funny you should mention chicken suits, because I totally wore one on Saturday Night Live, so you just called me a chump." Marshawn and the Bloven laugh and smile because they totally remember that. Toral complains that it's okay for him because he's Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, but that she's merely an "up-and-coming business person," whatever the hell that means. Then there's the second reason, which, straight from her horrible mouth, is "obviously having to do with some cultural values and some religious values that I think this is not the forum for." Trump: "Oh snap!"
He begs her to cut it out, if she's just using the religion card, and she protests overmuch about how there's an "absolute religious tenet" having to do with something or another, and he asks if she told the rest of Capital Edge that. They all scream NO! And she continues to boldly lie about stuff nobody ever lies about, ever, because it's just too icky: "Mr. Trump, I...said there are cultural and personal reasons," and he's like, "Okay, you have to tell the truth, we're talking about religion." Dude, if Donald Trump is like, "Your ethics are a little bendy," you need some religion.
Toral goes off about how this whole conversation, which she has engineered, is totally inappropriate, and how she's not comfortable talking about the "personal and religious" subjects she just fucking introduced into the conversation, but Trump's over it. "Rebecca, are you still a fan of Toral?" Rebecca gets that intense broken-bone Katie Holmes face again. "I think that when she said the night before, that she would show us her leadership abilities the day, I think that she should have the PM…" Toral jumps on top of her. "Rebecca, Felisha said that she's a marketing genius! An expert in advertising!" Carolyn -- who's gotta know what a pile this is -- redirects: "But you had a lot more to prove, so why didn't you step up and take over as PM?" Crap, now they've got Carolyn doing it. Toral is unstoppable in her madness: "When you have someone who says she's a marketing genius…" Kristi screams! "NO! She did not say that, Toral!" Trump ascertains from the sane members of the group what actually happened, which is in fact the precise opposite of what Toral is now proclaiming to be true. God knows what she actually heard, you know?
Toral equivocates, and both Trump and George call bullshit. They bully Rebecca into first admitting that Felisha didn't use those exact words, but Toral explains -- in an embarrassingly, condescending tone -- that the meaning was there. Trump calls Toral a liar some more, and asks Rebecca what he should do. Rebecca is great: "I would have kicked myself if I'd never got to see what Toral was capable of doing." Trump asks what she's implying in the question: "Okay, well. Now you've had an extra week. Are you impressed?"
What bothers Rebecca is how Toral didn't make a stronger case for herself in the first place. "I wanted to see her in that role. If I was the person in Toral's seat, I would have stepped up to the plate and made a really strong case for myself," and demanded the PM position...just like Rebecca did when she broke her ankle! She totally goes there! It's awesome. There's nothing up her sleeves, nothing behind her ears, and them BOOM we've gone from Toral as total disappointment to how Rebecca totally rules. Man, that was good. Trump sets 'em up, and Rebecca stares at 'em until they fall down out of fear.
Toral says "you know what" a bunch more times, everybody calls her worthless, and she claims to have been sidelined for cruddy reasons. Carolyn asks Marshawn if Toral is why they lost, and Toral interrupts with an incandescent "No, I'm never the reason!" And Carolyn slaps her right down. Marshawn gives the very good answer that Toral contributed nothing, and that "if you have a team member who doesn't contribute, then they can't be a part of the victory -- or a part of the loss." Trump explains to Toral that it wasn't so much that they sidelined her for refusing the costume, and more that they were sidelining her regardless: "You know why they wanted you to wear the costume? Because they didn't want you to contribute. They thought you were the weakest person on the team." Toral: "Mr. Trump, in your book Think Like A Billionaire, you always say consider the source. Who is the source here really?" She gives him a "we're on the level" condescending nose-scrunch, just like fucking Markus would here, and rolls her eyes. Trump's like, "Well, um, there are a lot of sources to consider, Crazy. All of them hand-picked by me, so shut it, and, like, there are a ton of people who hate you. Including George and Carolyn." She jumps tracks again to complain about how Capital Edge is just vapid sluts all around and he's like, "Every single problem you're mentioning could have been solved if you were the PM, no?" She fights him, but he swings back around to Rebecca. "You never answered my question. If you were me who would you fire?" She sighs and stares at the desk. "Toral. The team won't work with her on it, unfortunately." He almost laughs and asks if that was really so hard. She's like, "Yeah it was." And it clearly was, and that's sad, but don't pick a sick pony, girl.
Trump tells them all how disappointing it is that they keep losing, and then goes crazy. "Generally speaking, I'd say 'Felisha, pick two people and just bring them back in,' but I am so disappointed with you, Toral. You have the great Wharton education [probably], but you are totally ineffective. You've done a terrible job, and you're fired. Go. Out." Rebecca is sad, Blubber's relieved to remain a Heather, and Toral brushes off Rebecca's concern almost kindly. Out in the foyer, Toral encourages her again as she's crutching by, and it's more real this time.
Inside the Boardroom, Trump uses "divisive" correctly, and repeats that he's disappointed in her, because she's so smart. Me too. Carolyn's issue is that she didn't "step up" as PM (AAUGH!) and George just doesn't see why she couldn't put on the damn costume. Ultimately, they all know they did the right thing. Ultimately, they don't say out loud that they did it a couple weeks late.
As Toral strides out to the taxi, chin held high, Jennifer leads the women back to the suite and Marshawn shuts the door. In the Crazy Taxi, Toral says the following words: "Some people take their personal dignity very seriously. I'm a person of stature and respect, and in everyday life I don't think I would even speak to somebody like Kristi or Felisha. I mean, these are people I would not even hire as my administrative assistants, honestly. So thank goodness this whole thing is over with, and I can just go about my business at this point."
I don't even have time to deal with that speech, but it's kind of an object lesson in its own right. I will, however, say that she's now claiming to have trademarked the name "Toral" under a corporation that doesn't exist, and has the world's most hilarious website in the entire universe, and it's called "The Unforgettable Business Genius, Toral Mehta," and that's a lesson too. In terms of Maximizing Potential, I think we must also consider the corollary, which is: "Minimize Toxicity." Identify the crazy, and don't sideline them. Just boot them out. They'll find a company to work for eventually, and all the people there will be just like them, Unforgettable Business Geniuses and "multipreneurs" and self-obsessed toe-rags, the lot, and it'll be great and they can do all the yelling and time-wasting they need to do without ruining everybody else's day, and that's why America is great. And they'll be called "small consulting firms," and you will know them by their CEO's bullshit meetings, incomprehensible gatefold brochures (Dream! Evolve! Learn! Believe!), general dicklessness, and inability to operate fucking Powerpoint. And if you're my best friend Anna? You'll get a new job in the same building, and smile sweetly when they pass by, because Minimizing Toxicity is something you gotta do on the inside every now and then too. "Look! A real company! And you're hired!"