Something Old, Something New

Last week, Donald Trump kept saying "Lam-Boar-Gini" and it was weird. Then the women won a sucky prize, and Toral spent some time with Rebecca's ankle. Chris left, and it was sad but also inevitable and self-inflicted, like in a Scottish play. Apprentice: Martha was a vastly more enjoyable show, and I wish we could trade somebody for Jim, because Keckler will never love him like I do.

A sax player down on the street treats us to a sad Markus-esque tune as the Excel suite door opens. Effin' Mark explains that "Chris and Markus was [sic] in the Boardroom," and opines that there's no question that Markus is the weakest link in the Team Excel chain, and should be fired. Say what I will about Markus -- and I will -- but at least he's not all Deliverance all the time. God. So Markus walks in and everybody wigs; there's a few seconds of stunned silence and then the slow clap starts. Josh tells the team -- specifically Markus, who he just totally crapped on in front of Donald Trump -- to leave the Boardroom in the Boardroom, and just start over. It's a good idea, but somewhat disingenuous of Josh to just baldly ask him, "Hey, all that stuff where I said you were worthless and a dork and a waste of flesh? In front of Trump and his Viceroys, for whose approval you regularly piss your literal pants? Let's pretend I didn't say that, okay?"

On the other hand, it's Markus, so this kind of boneheaded thing works like a charm, because he doesn't know better. Markus interviews that he's a survivor, and acts like he's totally aware of his issues and problems and it'll be a snap to change only like every single thing about himself. This is also the second week he has promised this. I would have been impressed if he'd said something like, "Hey Josh? Go fuck yourself in the boardroom, okay?" And the thing is...so would Josh. But Markus doesn't know that. Mark calls him "Baby" and they all agree to start fresh. Josh treads the line between manipulative and unctuous, patting Markus on the back as they all head deeper into the suite to do God knows what. The ritual paddling of Adam, most likely.

Kristi and Felisha discuss the Rebecca's Ankle situation as Toral accompanies our skating champ back to the suite. Rebecca interviews that she and Toral have "found friendship," and Toral lists their similarities: Rebecca was at Chicago, Toral was from Wharton; Rebecca was a banker, Toral "[continues] to be a banker�" Boy, does she ever, I'll say that right now. She will be a banker all up in your grill until you beg for mercy, but there is no mercy in her. Only banking. Substantial banking experience.

For future reference, here's some stuff of interest from Toral's bio at the NBC site: She was one of a "handful of officer-level women structuring, negotiating and closing multi-million dollar deals" at Goldman Sachs, "has traveled to more than 15 foreign countries over the course of her career," is a "skilled day trader [my emphasis] and self-made multi-millionaire," owns "upscale" restaurants in Manhattan and Brooklyn, and lives in NYC, but likes to "spend her free time at her homes in Miami Beach and London." This is not a woman without accomplishments, and until today I thought she was comfortable with them. I'm just saying. Oh, and if you think you need to jot all that down for later? I wouldn't bother. Something tells me you'll remember.

Randal tells a story about how the last thing he did before leaving for the show was to teach his dead grandmother about camera phone pictures, so that means he's qualified to lead this. The men immediately jump on board because they're scared of being PM and because they're all in total love with Randal. Randal feels like his dead grandmother will give the team the extra edge they need. I have some questions about all that, but I'm reserving judgment on Randal until he actually, you know, does something. All he's done so far is go to a funeral and get a million degrees and seem like quite a nice person.

There's a weird blippy transition where a old man sits on a street for hours as people rush by like in Garden State. It's kind of depressing considering we're about to visit a retirement home. In the shuttle, Rebecca gets down to it: if any of the Capital Edge women has concept ideas, they need to write them down so that they can discuss them in an orderly fashion. Rebecca tells us she decided to "step up" and prove she's valuable; Rebecca is all about stepping up, which is especially funny now, due to the Ankle. She chooses Jen W. for the event planning and catering, because of her supposed background in these things. Rebecca interviews this with an edge of murderous exasperation and that same grin, so you know what's going to happen.

At Cedar Crest, the retirement home they'll be visiting, Jen W. sketches out the event planning stuff and tells us she loves both "to entertain" and "old people." (So?) Her hair is really, really thin, and so is her voice, and I think also her sense of self. "I thought that we, as women, would be able to engage with the residents...they might see us as like their granddaughters." (So?) This is the kind of thing she thinks about. What is she even doing here? Everything she says is like that: "I like old people." "Lots of people enjoy cake." She's the most boring, wispy person I've ever seen on this show. She reminds me of Star from Project Runway. Her favorite television shows are Fear Factor, Law & Order, and ER. Two of which are fine, fine shows, but you gotta spice it up a little bit. Favorite movies include Pretty Woman, The Karate Kid, Steel Magnolias, "John Grisham movies," and quote, "movies that make me laugh with actors Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson." I don't even know what that means, but I do know that Pretty Woman is one of my three favorite movies of all time, and I do not think we like it for the same reasons. She thinks IKEA and Pottery Barn are a "little out there," I'm guessing. Talbot's is just a little too flashy for old Jen W.

Kristi and an old guy talk about how he would prefer to be able to use and touch the equipment himself, if he's going to be learning about it. "What's the point in watching...youngsters with beautiful eyes" doing all the stuff? The women blush and giggle and he tells them all what beautiful eyes they have. I love flirty, harmless old men like this. My paternal grandfather, Doc, was like that: this insanely flirtatious ex-military guy, a veterinarian, and I spent the better part of my childhood watching him charm the almost-literal panties off of women a third of his age. Really, though, I just want to know why this was under discussion: what were the options on the table? Were they thinking of using more of a seminar format? "Then you press the ON button, which you see I'm pointing at now."

Jen M. gives her interview stretching languorously back against a wall with this crazy I Dream Of Jeannie hair and a black trench. It's a really weird, off-kilter kind of modeling pose and I'm really unsure as to what the deal is there. ["I can't swear to this, but I'm pretty sure they put Omarosa in that weird pageant-doorsill pose too. Very awkward." -- Sars] She explains that they're going to be judged based on surveys that the seniors themselves will fill out. It's very glamorous and very weird, as she is telling us this. They all shake hands with the original focus group old guys, and Jen M. looks totally beautiful. One old geezer says he'll come if the pretty ladies will be there, and everybody laughs. He's not kidding.

Excel is also interviewing old people they've back to their conference room. Clay talks to an old man named Jacob about his technological level of experience. Jacob feels that computers are "something from the devil." It's awesome, the way that he says it, like he feels like they're "something from Ithaca." Randal looks at him tenderly and they kind of laugh and get weirded out because this is a 91-year-old man they're dealing with and they don't know if he means it like a metaphor or what. Creepy Mark and his blindingly white hick teeth and stupid fake tan tell us what we just saw, and then back in the conference room, Clay looks perturbed and James stares at something in that freaky way he has.

Markus says that TiVo is a great idea, and Clay just directly contradicts him, saying that the old people will avoid the technology expo if something really scary like TiVo is there. I would think they'd be more scared of the computers, if they're honestly going to go running (or shuffling or whatever) the second the terrifying technology is revealed, because a computer you can at least recognize on sight. TiVo, there's a whole explanation of why it's cool that will draw them in before they get scared. Markus diplomatically offers to be in charge of the TiVo presentation, and again, Clay has to disagree. He interviews that TiVo is a very hard thing to set up. Why is that any harder than anything else? Because it's Clay that's scared of TiVo, obviously.

George comes in and Clay calls him an old fart, basically, and George tells him to redirect, bluntly but not unkindly. Randal stares, and everyone giggles, and Clay just asks George to get on board with the idea that "old men are set in their ways." George points out that THAT'S THE POINT OF THE WHOLE TASK, but Clay's not hearing him. Randal acknowledges Clay's point, such as it is, and tries to keep moving, and then Clay fucks up: "If you're wrong, we'll deal with it then." It's not just what he's saying, or that he's saying it in front of George, which are two things that are bad enough, but he says it in this schoolmarmish, wheedling way where he does it without looking up from his paper. He's like the mother in every Tennessee Williams play. Randal's like, "Did you actually just say that to me?" And Clay...repeats himself. The whole time, he keeps glancing over at George. I hate Clay.

Josh interviews about this, calling Clay "the biggest bitch on the team," and pointing out how Clay could not take his eyes off George the entire time he was getting all Melissa about everything. Much was made of Josh calling Clay a "bitch," was he being homophobic, would he have said that about somebody else...and I think the answer is yes, because Clay was fully being a little bitch, in a way that you wouldn't consider Markus one, because he kisses ass desperately, but not as a strategy to make everybody else look bad. Especially Randal, whom Josh adores. It's a very specific usage, and one that I agree with here, and one that Chris would have agreed with, because it's a football team usage. "Grow a pair and stop being a bitch." Josh says Clay was being really blatant about "looking for approval" and that Clay was basically saying "when you lose, Randal" and it's all true. There are lots of shots of Clay looking very much like Tom Lenk, only pissy and not cute.

Then things get gross. The patented Trump Wisdom Title Card this week is "Inspire." Trump tells us the total news of how "leadership is important" and that you have to "inspire your staff." I take a moment to note that shit down in a special steno pad I have for times like this, which on the front I have written in Sharpie "Duh Thoughts For When My Brain Falls Out My Ass." He then demonstrates this Wisdom for us by haranguing some old man about something, then summoning Miss Universe to flirt with the old man. He tells us that people like working for the Trumpanies because "I make it fun." To him, "fun" is hot young ladies that would never fuck you except for your money, not that you can get it up anyway. Fun is trophies. Boobies. Fun is the idea of ass, to guys like Trump, and I don't get it. The guy, Jay, is a lawyer, and he's kind of upset by all this blatant prostitution, and a little confused.

Miss Universe sits there and everyone's uncomfortable and Trump bumbles weirdly about how "where else you gonna get a good time like this," and this kind of thing is always so confusing because...it's so Vegas, like, "Come up to the room and drink some champagne in the hot tub and never ever touch me," and somehow that's fun. I think it has something to do with impressing other men and I don't think it has anything to do with sex. It's certainly not fucking "inspirational," so I don't know what the point of that was except to show Trump to be what we already know he is.

Essay Question: Pretend you're a creepy old fucked-up white man. You've been trained your whole life for a very rigidly defined kind of success, and now you've accomplished pretty much everything you ever needed to in order to please your father, who is now dead. While you've never really taken an interest in women as people, their forms and boobies are pleasing. Too bad your crusty old self needs Viagra to do anything about it, but luckily your cronies in the insurance racket have made that available at cost, while emergency birth control is still some kind of Satanic mystery rite that only happens on full moons. Keeping in mind that you've stashed every emotion or doubt you've ever had so deep down you've given yourself colon cancer and six heart attacks, and that your children hate you, in this essay you're going to ask for a hug -- from a friend, a coworker, even a stranger; be creative! -- because you're desperate to be touched.

Take all the time you need.