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Donald explains, in his usual outdoor voice, how the new group of Apprentices comes from all over the nation, and they all have a story to tell. One story he avoids is how he hand-picked the entire squad, which is why they're almost all jaw-droppingly beautiful. Their CVs, however, tell the usual shockingly successful stories, which I always find inspiring. I love reading about how people had $150 million portfolios by the time they were in junior high. It makes me feel -- not accomplished exactly, but -- like I could be. Which is the whole point of this show: watching highly successful people doing great stuff you can learn from, and then horribly stupid things you can feel superior about.
We focus first on Kristi, a 24-year-old sales genius from Gainesville, FL. She talks about her early challenges, including having a premature child at the age of 16, right up front. We move to the somewhat creepy Mark, a "good old boy from the South," who feels that he will be a strong competitor. Thirty-five, he's a wealth management startup success with the goal of managing $100 million in the five years. He loves country music and describes his style as "visionary" and is a total sexist, having said previously that he'd get along with Carolyn once she realized she wasn't in charge.
Markus, 41, looks like British television. He grew up "splitting his time between Chicago and Sarasota, FL," but has lived in many wonderful cities. He left pre-law at Santa Monica College due to his "entrepreneurial spirit." In short, he is a tool. He immediately starts in with some irritating talk about how he's a "big fish in a small pond" and it's "time to put himself among the real players" because he's "not only as good as them, but better."
Quick Quiz! Here are some quotes from Markus's NBC interview. Check one for every sentence you'd ever possibly say in your lifetime:
"I have an intense passion for life and adventure."
"High on the list are skiing, auto racing, flying and a passion for fine wine: I frequently travel to Bordeaux, Champagne and Paris."
"Finding fascination in the everyday is a definition of success."
"The relationships I develop and the incredible adventures I lived are success."
"As a leader I take others where they would not go by themselves."
"My adaptable approach, vision and forward-looking decisions are hallmarks of my style."
"Bill Rancic and I are kindred sprits."
"We both appreciate a fine cigar!"
"I respect Kelly's 'multipreneur' (a word I coined) approach to business."
"I have been a 'multipreneur' since I was 16 years old."
Now give yourself one million points for each "Yes" answer. Way to go!
“ Trump continues to shriek: WHO WILL SUCCEED? WHO WILL FAIL AND WHO WILL BETHE APPRENTICE? Seriously, I feel like I'm about to get whacked when he does that. By a werewolf who's in the Mob. ”
Trump tells us how he's built many companies in the last hundred years, and he really needs people to run them. Makes sense, except why only choose one a year? There's some lip service to Bill, Kelly, and Kendra as "invaluable," and some shots of them looking very good at their jobs. Trump then comes running at you from Trump Tower screamingly crazily about how he needs a TOUGH NEGOTIATOR and a DYNAMIC LEADERAN APPRENTICE!
He hops in a Song plane and continues to scream at us about how there are eighteen candidates, and how they might go nuts and break under the pressure. We cut immediately to Melissa, whose main claim to strength here is the preparation she received from playing sophomore softball. No, I'm not kidding.
Randal is 34, and the President and CEO of BCT Partners, a consulting firm he founded. He was born in Philadelphia and was raised in Hightstown, NJ. Like most of the competitors this year, he was a star athlete and is a big Christian. He tells us about his five academic degrees in engineering, business, and technology, which include a B.S. from Rutgers University, an M.S. from the University of Oxford in England as a Rhodes Scholar, and an M.S., M.B.A., and Ph.D. from MIT. If you missed that, wait a second, because we'll hear about them a whole lot this year. He seems nice, quiet, and mellow, which makes him stand out.
Alla came from Russia penniless, was a stripper, and drove a man crazy with her wiles until he stalked her and eventually killed a bunch of people in a string of botched robberies trying to please her. Now she's a Vegas-living, spa-owning millionaire. She's also one of the smartest tacks in the box, and I love her, and I need her to write her autobiography, stat. She's a somewhat rough-looking 31, born and raised in Chisinau, the capital of Moldavia, and moved to the U.S. in 1988. By 19 she bought her first property, and at 23 was one of the youngest "pioneers of the spa boom," which I didn't know about before.
The candidates meet at Trump National, a world-class golf course he's still screaming about, to discuss THE DREAM JOB OF A LIFETIME. A wee man in a taxi (this is Brian, 23, who has succeeded outrageously in every industry from publishing to internet startups to real estate) looks nervous, and everybody looks nervous, including myself as Trump continues to shriek: WHO WILL SUCCEED? WHO WILL FAIL AND WHO WILL BETHE APPRENTICE? Seriously, I feel like I'm about to get whacked when he does that. By a werewolf who's in the Mob.
The valet at Trump National looks just like several of the male candidates, who mostly are identical. Brian and James are only different people if they're standing up, because Brian is short and tad bit better-looking. Mark is creepy and Markus is sad, blond Josh wears emo glasses while blond Clay looks Botoxed, Chris is huge and has dimples, and Adam is about to turn twelve. The women fare better, although it's often difficult to tell the difference between Rebecca, Toral, and Jennifer W., unless you're close up. Felisha, Alla, and Jennifer M. are all intense with long blonde hair, but at least you can tell Felisha by her frumpy clothes.
“ A Pottery Barn explosion, kitsch Lucille Ball memorabilia up to and including refrigerator magnets, constant quoting of Mama's Family rather than Grey Gardens, and a deep and abiding respect for Patricia Heaton. It's not gay, it's just Texas. ”
We meet Jennifer M. , who is very cool, hard but gracious. I'm looking forward to her really getting in there. She looks exactly like a corporate communications major at SMU, which is to say: like an oil money sorority sister. Twenty-six, she was Miss Oregon USA and a top ten finalist at Miss USA 2004. She was home-schooled and started working full time at 17, inspired by her entrepreneur father. By 20 she was breaking sales records with Qwest Dex, and at 23 was the youngest manager at an international advertising firm, where she consistently exceeded her goals by more than 200%. See, doesn't that stuff make your heart sing! I love how you can be proud of these people's accomplishments right off the bat. It makes it more fun.
Marshawn tells us that in her work, she's been able to able to represent gang members, drug dealers, and prostitutesbut also Presidents. Amusingly, she says this experience will be easy to adapt to working with CEOs and executives, but she leaves out which areas of expertise will be most helpful there. Born and raised in Dallas, TX, she relocated to DC, where she was named Miss District of Columbia and went on to the third runner-up place at Miss America. I don't know anything about pageants, so this seems worthless to me. However, she's immensely charming and charismatic, which is good, because she's the CEO of a professional development and public speaking consulting agency that works with politicians, athletes, entertainers, and media personalities. Love that. It means she's going to be really fun to watch working the people over and getting all Sales all the time. She's definitely the strongest person we've seen thus far.
The legal references she makes necessitate a slight digression, because her CV is jam-packed. It comes from the fact that she's a "national spokesperson on youth crime prevention and leadership development," and has worked with the Justice Department as a co-founder of the National Youth Network. She graduated magna from TCU and was named one of Glamour's "Top Ten College Women." Her J.D. is from the Georgetown University Law Center, and she's worked criminal defense in the Juvenile Justice Clinic and as a litigator on Georgetown's International Commercial Arbitration Team competing in Vienna, Austria.
The candidates stand awkwardly for awhile, and Clay tells us that being openly gay will somehow be a "huge advantage" because "it's not a big deal." He feels that the guys will not be threatened and that the girls will instantly want to be his best friend. This seems disingenuous in many ways, but maybe I'm biased because of his interview stuff, which all reads very "small-town Texas gay" to me, which is a subject I'm fairly familiar with. He hates Kendra for being uppity, and Carolyn for being a yes-lady who needs a man to tell her what to do, which is suspicious, but then there's also this list:
Michael Bubl, Norah Jones, Mariah Carey, Rob Thomas, Moby, Gretchen Wilson; the Shopoholic series; Friends, HGTV, TLC, The Biggest Looser [sic], I Love Lucy, Extreme Home Makeover; Under The Tuscan Sun, Love Actually, Steel Magnolias, and The Birdcage. I surmise and will bet you cash money that his home is a split level with champagne carpet containing: unique shelving, at least one large vase with nature crap coming out of it, framed photos of his mother, lots of warm colors including a burgundy or burnt umber couch, a Pottery Barn explosion, kitsch Lucille Ball memorabilia up to and including refrigerator magnets, constant quoting of Mama's Family rather than Grey Gardens, and a deep and abiding respect for Patricia Heaton. It's not gay, it's just Texas.