When Trump sends the candidates back to Nipples Deutsch again, they all put in their "best" "efforts" to produce a body wash commercial. Magna produces low-quality porn, and Net Worth produces something that looks like cable access, only cheaper, and Nipples is like, "They're both ass." So Trump declares no winner, there's no reward (yay!), and everybody has to come to the Boardroom. In a continuing and very encouraging trend of weeding out the most annoying people at the beginning instead of keeping them until the end, Kristen is called out for the unfriendly, bossy, sniping pain in the ass that she is, and Trump boots her to the curb. It's a week to learn that not everybody is Herbal Essence, and that cucumbers are actually a little too graphic, and that a commercial for body wash should show it being used in a way that involves at least one of the two concepts "body" and "wash." But it's also a week to get rid of another person I didn't like, so I can only say, well played, Mr. Trump.
Previously on Good To The Last Drop Of Powdery Sludge: When the teams were ordered to come up with a way to convince a gullible public that instant coffee is something other than a workable solution to a problem called There Is A Power Outage Or I Am Camping, Michael came up with the idea of using European models and Vespas and parliamentary forms of government and stuff to appeal to the niche market of rich straight guys who like their coffee with a thin coating of scum floating on top. In fact, because he found himself exempt from firing for the week, Michael sort of approached the entire thing like he was the poo-flinging monkey at the Idiot Zoo. The rest of the critters were annoyed enough that when Magna lost the task to the intractable "hipness" advantage that the iPod maintains over the time-honored craft of mime, Danny went so far as to bring Michael to the final table, hoping Trump would take a stand on principle (HA HA HA!) and revoke the exemption. Trump, however, sucked up to casino regulators everywhere with an ode to rule-following, and Danny was left with only his own pencil neck on the line. In the end, the Troubadour of the Love Palace took his leave, missing the opportunity to enshrine himself as a permanent installment in the Reality Show Museum Of Batshit Crazy by leaning over into Trump's face and shrieking, "UNBELIEVABLE!" Which would have been awesome. They could have propped him up between Lex and Billie Jeanne.
Up in the L-Pal, Angie is trying to get Magna to clarify exactly what Trump said about Michael's exemption or lack thereof, and specifically whether it provided them with any basis to believe that "exempt" is written in pencil. Magna clarifies that Trump left it up to Danny to bring or not to bring Michael, knowing that Michael was officially exempt. A gobsmacked Angie gives an interview in which she explains that she's not sure what Magna could be thinking, convincing Danny to bring someone into the Boardroom who's exempt. She then has to go for the theme, piling on the "they're supposed to be so smaaaart" stuff about the snooty collegians, which is dumb and unnecessary. I don't understand why hostility and disgust can't just stand on their own, rather than being propped up by class warfare. Can't we all just hate and resent each other based on who we are, as God intended? Erin horribly mangles an effort at "exemption, schmexemption" (safe to say that among the words one should not attempt on television while sober is "schmexemption") as she insists that the exemption means nothing. Despite the fact that Trump made it pretty clear before they left that that wasn't the case. She then continues to argue in an interview that Trump will oust Michael on the theory that "exemption isn't meant for those that abuse it." I just think they were never going to win the argument that Michael abused the exemption. The entire point of the exemption is that the standards that would normally be applied don't apply to you. It is a free pass, so you don't abuse it by treating it as a free pass. You perhaps act foolishly, but you don't abuse it. I would very nearly say the exemption is fundamentally unabusable.
Anyway, all fantasies of a sudden rule change are shattered when Stephanie walks happily back into the L-Pal, followed by Michael. Stephanie certainly doesn't look like Danny's firing caused her any great pain, judging from her broad, buffoon-eating grin. The entire team stares blankly and unhappily at the returning Michael. Bren goes on for a few precious interview moments about how unhappy he was to see Michael come back with his lack of "tact" and such. Just remember that during the porn later. Bren says that his inner "dad" got going. It's good to know that Bren's inner dad is the kind that would let you watch a lot of Cinemax, if you get my meaning. Anyway, Bren proceeds to read Michael out about his slacking off and his not doing his homework and how he'll never amount to anything and his grandmother spent good money on those socks and he most certainly is going to wear them. Bren also asks Michael to keep in mind that not one person in the Boardroom took up for him, and being universally hated is really not the way to make it a long way in the game. Bren orders Michael to be a man. Be a man, dammit! What do we have to do, show you a cucumber? And then there is the obligatory sports metaphor about the plate, stepping up to which is, as we know, the key to success.
Michael, afraid that Bren might just ground his ass, decides to take the easy way out by pretending to be sorry, and then goes on to interview that this might be his "readjustment phase." Boy. Talk about phrases used exclusively by assholes. I have a physically powerful urge to yell, "Readjust this!" He throws some crap around at his team about how, boy, gosh, he's really sorry, and he's going to pull it together. Apparently, he had some sort of nimrod fever during the last task, and now he's all better. Alex, not fooled by this brilliant scheme, interviews that Michael "has delayed his execution." He insists that if there's not a "180-degree turnaround" (and good for him for not saying 360 -- maybe he really did go to college), "the guillotine's going to drop right on his neck." Well, that's colorful and murderous. And, best of all, French.
Morning comes to the Love Palace, and Tana answers the Rhonaphone. Rhona instructs them to wait by the plasma screen, because...well, let's say it's going to end a lot like The Ring, only instead of that swampy kid, there will be Trump. Wow, Tana looks really different without makeup on. Is it possible her nose is bigger before she puts on her makeup? It seems so unlikely. Bren tells us that Magna badly needs the victory, because if they don't get it, "Mr. Trump's going to be ruthless." Oh, he'll do that anyway, silly. Both teams gather in the living room of the L-Pal to wait for something to come on the TV. Just like me on Wednesday nights. Oh, and Bren points out that he knows Magna is making Trump sad, because he has a college education himself, and they're making all college graduates everywhere feel embarrassed, apparently. I admit, they are making me embarrassed, but not for reasons that are all that different from the usual ones. They could all be eighth-grade dropouts, and I would still feel dirty.
Trump actually addresses the candidates via a camera hookup from the back seat of his limo (oh, come ON) where he is on the way to some really important function where he will probably be nodded at by Kelly and Boyfriend Bill. What Trump tells them is that they're headed for a meeting with Donny "Nipples" Deutsch, who will test them on an account for Dove Cool Moisture. As opposed to Dove Uncomfortably Harsh Paste, which went down to a surprising commercial defeat last year at this time. Trump says that at the end of the task, Nipples will decide which team did the better job. The losing team will go to the Boardroom, and somebody will be fired, blah blah. Except for Angie, who is exempt. No, really. No, really. She's exempt. Don't get any stupid ideas.
Losing all the respect I had grudgingly been willing to afford her up to this point, Audrey says that she was extremely excited when Trump revealed that they were going to meet Nipples. NIPPLES DEUTSCH! So exciting. We see all of the candidates converge on the Batcave of the Deutsch-bag himself. When they're all settled, Nipples, George, and Carolyn head in to speak to them. Nipples explains that they'll be setting up a campaign for Dove Cool Moisture Body Wash. And he wants them to approach it like "a 30-second movie." Because regular commercials don't work anymore, sophisticated public blah blah blah, can't be manipulated, blah blah blah, pay no attention to the popularity of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, blah blah blah. Nipples says that he wants to be blown away like, "This is different; I have to watch this." And the approach that will win will be the one that's -- you guessed it -- the most "out of the box." And we know how I feel about the box.
Erin interviews that this was a very exciting task, but none of them really had advertising experience, so she stepped up and decided to volunteer to be PM. Which apparently, they all went along with, because there she is, in spite of her self-professed ignorance. She asks the team whether anyone has any ideas. And Bren says that he has one. And what is it? Oh, it's the very subtle Cucumber Dick concept. In Cucumber Dick, it starts with a female chef showing a young male chef how to wash. You know, a cucumber! Ha ha! Because it's like a penis. Anyway, he envisions the woman trying to seduce the young guy...with the body wash...and then the guy takes the...body wash...and goes off with another guy. It's all very Queer As Folk, if Queer As Folk were crossed with, like, Semi-Homemade Cooking With Sandra Lee. Kendra interviews that for the district attorney, who's a Republican (horrors!) to cough up the gay ad (no, literally, the gay-themed ad, not the ad that's so gay, which it also is, if you're hip to the seventh-grade lingo) was something of a surprise to her. She refers to it as a "homosexual commercial," which I suppose means it likes to get funky with other homosexual commercials.
Everybody says they like it, but Michael doesn't like the ending. He's not crazy about "the gay part." George understates that Magna may not yet have things "all figured out." He even offers a tentative assessment that Magna might be "going down the wrong path." Not that he would judge. He loves the dead gay part. Michael goes on to interview that he's going to be with his team, even if there are "a few sick members." And then he commits himself to making "the best vegetable porno we can make," which would be a little funny if anyone had said it besides him. Alex closes the conversation about concept by noting that "fortune favors the bold." And the cucumber-rific!
Over at Net Worth, the music is already honking merrily, and we know that's never good. Kristen is claiming that she would be a great PM, because her boyfriend is a director, so she's on the set all the time. HA HA HA! Awesome. Nothing makes you an expert like standing around being the Yoko all riding the grill of some suckweasel's creative team. Net Worth affirms her as the PM, but Audrey expresses great skepticism, because she can't stand Kristen, and she doesn't see much reason to change this opinion now. Me neither. John comes up with an idea in which a marathon runner would first throw water on himself, and then wash with the Dove, and then throw on more water to rinse, and then keep running. The team seems happy about this idea. John describes his idea in an interview as one of their runners "taking a bath right there in the street." Just remember, that's how it all started.
Magna is in the process of casting women for Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. It turns out that Alex, Erin, and Bren are going to keep working on this, while Michael, Kendra, and Stephanie are off to get props. Such as the most phallic cucumber they can possibly find, even if it has to be special-ordered in order to achieve the full effect of Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. We watch as Erin explains about the casting of the "beautiful woman" who will be giving Cucumber Dick his hand job, and then the gay cook's hunky boyfriend. Erin lusts after the pictures of the actors. Ha ha, that was hilarious. Oh, Cucumber Dick, how you do make the world a merrier place. You're magical.
Net Worth is at its studio, where Kristen is dismissing John -- who came up with the concept for the ad -- and Craig, so that the two of them can go and work on music. Kristen interviews with a tight smile, "It is very easy for me to do everything myself." She brags in an interview about how stuff always goes better if she weeds out everyone else and does the whole thing herself. Boy, I hope the commercial is really awesome; otherwise, she's going to look like a total buffoon! Let's watch!
In the Van of Escaping Kristen's Evil Clutches, John and Craig are talking about how John hopes that Kristen is capable of capturing the joke John came up with in the ad. He stresses that it has to be executed exactly correctly, or it won't be funny. Well, all jokes are like that. And so are all executions, actually, since we were speaking of the guillotine so recently.
At Magna, Erin is on the Space Communicator talking about how there was a set time for the cast to show up, and they can't change it now, so the cast will have to wait until they're ready to go. Kendra interviews (Kendra, blonde, long-ish hair, you remember) that the "talent" had been called in at 4:00, even though the set wasn't going to be ready until 6:00 or 6:30. Thus, she, Michael, and Stephanie decided to head over to the studio and check in on the cast. But apparently not right now, because we cut to the studio, where the cast, apparently made up of tuberculosis patients, is waiting outside wheezing because there's no one there to let them in. The actress, who will be playing the part of Cucumber Dick's Hand-Job-Providing Lady Chef, complains that she will be fit to be tied if she gets a cold. Fit! To! Be! Tied! A blond actor coughs dramatically. He may die. Finally, at quarter to six, Michael, Kendra, and Stephanie pull up in their van. Actress Lady reads Stephanie the riot act about how she was told to show up at 4:00, and it's almost 6:00 now. Fit! To! Be! Tied! She announces that she is "ready to walk out." Which would be quite a tragedy for the team, because where else can you find an actress capable of staring lustily on short notice in New York? So Actress Lady has all kinds of leverage. All kinds! Of leverage! Stephanie interviews that she worked very hard to calm the actress down. We watch as the actress bitches about "who's supposed to be supervising the cast," blah dee blah. Stephanie gets Erin (in the van) on the Space Communicator to try to calm the actress. Why she thinks Erin will be good at this is rather mysterious to me, but all right. The actress gives her spiel about how long she's been waiting, yada yada. Erin apologizes, and the actress keeps bitching, and it isn't clear what the actress wants, like, does she want Erin to keep saying she's sorry? Because Erin does that, some, but the actress acts snippy and finally declares that there's a "90-percent chance that [she's] not staying." ["Why she wasn't summarily dismissed immediately following that princessive-aggressive announcement, I don't know. Even actresses who aren't getting paid don't pull that shit in this town if they want to work again." -- Sars] In the van with Erin, Bren looks grim.
This week's Trump motto is "Never Settle." And this week's designated ass-kissing underling is a construction guy in a hardhat. I think all the ass-kissing underlings should get together someday and do a benefit recording of "Take This Job And Shove It" for tsunami relief. Trump goes on to rant about how people "settle for mediocrity" because "they're lazy." Of course, in Michael's case, he settles for metea-ocracy. Trump watches a building ripped to shreds, and you can tell how his heart beats a little faster whenever something he doesn't own is destroyed.
At Magna's studio, Erin, Alex, and Bren have finally arrived, and as Alex explains, they're still working on that awesome commercial, and their actress is totally pissed off. She complains that she's been "treated pretty poorly," despite the fact that everyone has tried to pacify her, so I don't know what she wants other than possibly a cookie. Shut up, Actress Lady. Bren does us the favor of explaining that Erin simply didn't know how to "deal with a pissed-off woman." Of course, he's married, so he knows, and ha ha ha, women are crazy! Aren't they? CRAZY! Bren proceeds to hand out a bullshit apology to the actress full of the kind of shallow, inane sucking-up that idiots always think women love, and because this show is nothing if not a celebration of gender stereotypes, the actress gets all blushy and aw-shucks, and she totally forgives them. Aw, yay! I hate people.
Over at Net Worth, Kristen is supervising the creation of a fakey-looking street race where her "marathon" guy can come running along, rub the Dove on his face, and be rejuvenated. Tana welcomes the models, while Angie pretends to be all respectful of Kristen, in a way that doesn't do a very good job of hiding how much she, in fact, can't stand Kristen. I always find myself secretly admiring the people who are really shitty liars. Again, Kristen talks about how her boyfriend is a director, so she must be able to be one, too. Kristen explains that she sent Audrey off to work with Tana with the models, but snots that she did it just to get Audrey out of the way. You can see right here that Kristen laughs with delight as the guy, who goes in looking all sweaty, just rubs the Dove on his face and wipes it off with a towel. Which is not the joke. Audrey speaks for us all when she points out that the commercial is, in fact, incredibly stupid, and watching the model suddenly try to look rejuvenated is rather a grim thing. A couple of the models actually mention, in kind of an offhand way, that he's putting it on his face. And, you know, it's a body wash. But Kristen assures them you can use it on your face. Of course, you can. You can probably also use it to do dishes, but that doesn't mean it would be a good idea or that that's the intended market. But anyway.
John directs the making of the funky commercial music for the Net Worth marathon ad. I think I liked him a little more when the idea that he was too cool for Kristen and should be the guy making the music was implied, but not shown. This is actually a little too much John Is Cooler Than Everyone. Not that it's not true. And not that Craig isn't also. We even get to see John playing the drums as he interviews that he would have loved to direct the footage since it was his joke, but he's been sent off to do music, so that's what he's doing. But...the drums? It's too much.
Back at Net Worth Studios, Audrey is pointing out that if all of the models are heavily sprayed, they'll need their makeup done again, and Kristen just wants more sweat on everyone. We watch the models do some very fake-looking running (and when I say "fake-looking"...DAMN), and then Audrey complains that "Kristen treated the models as though they were stupid." Audrey isn't quite done yet, though. "She is a bitch," Audrey offers. "A royal bitch." Indeed.
Angie bitches in her interview that the commercial isn't innovative enough, and while I agree with her, I do not enjoy the ensuing lecture on The Box And Where We Are In Relation Thereto. We should be outside the box, you see, and instead, we are in the box. We are in the middle of the box. In fact, we are the box. The box is us. We should be outside, and we're inside. Of the box, that is. Got it? I love Angie, but...shut up, Angie.
Shooting at Magna is getting ready to begin for Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. Erin is shooting a scene in which her hand washes the abs of one of the models, whom she forces to take his shorts down an inch or two from his waist so that she can see "the whole ab effect." But when she's watching the footage of herself doing the ab-washing, she admits that she felt like it looked like cheap porn. Oh, if only she had kept her Cheap Porn Detector engaged throughout the remainder of shooting. Apparently, she has the team remove the offending scene from the script. That being the Guy's Abs Are Washed By Unseen Female Hands scene. And really, if you've seen one porno where a woman fantasizes about a cucumber while washing a guy's stomach -- or maybe it's the other way around -- you've seen them all.
Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial continues shooting (uh, filming) with the actual cucumber portion of the story, in which the same actress who got all prissy about being treated with respect and dignity is now pleasuring a vegetable while rubbing up against a guy dressed like a chef. I can see how she couldn't wait to get started. The members of Magna all laugh hysterically, because they have noticed that in some portions of Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial, it appears that there is some kind of a parallel being drawn between cucumbers and, well, you know, and this will be the funniest thing anybody ever sneaked into the junior class Spirit Week skit! Michael opines in an interview that Bren came up with this because he's "missing his wife." Heh. We then watch the filming of the exit of the male cook and his boyfriend, and Michael complainterviews that Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial will win only if the Net Worth commercial is even worse. Oh, look on the bright side, Michael. At least the waiters wound up happy.
I have to take a moment and mention that I was sitting here looking at these commercials, thinking that the real problem with most advertising is that it totally underestimates consumers, who really are not as stupid as they are often made out to be. But then I remembered that less than one week before this episode aired, I spent actual money -- negotiable American dollars -- to purchase Oven-Fried-Chicken-Flavored potato chips, and the reason I bought them? Was that I thought they would be funny. The verdict, incidentally, is that they smell like cat food and taste like licking the inside of a Ramen noodle seasoning packet. Or, as one taster commented, "There is absolutely nothing in my mouth except MSG." In truth, they were funny, even though I myself was approximately the last person in the room to try one, and it took several beers to get me there. They require you to make sort of a face afterwards for a certain set period of time, so I don't recommend trying them when you're about to have your picture taken. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. Trump. Candidates. Bullshit. Let's get back to it.
The day, the teams are working on editing their commercials when Tara makes the uncomfortable point to Kristen that she forgot that their joke commercial was supposed to be...you know, funny. "I was never going for funny," Kristen insists, which makes you wonder what in the hell she was going for, then, or why she bought a concept that was so clearly sold as a joke when John originally presented it. She just wasn't "going for funny." And if that isn't the cry of naturally, painfully, intractably unfunny people everywhere, then I just don't know what. John gripes in an interview that Kristen biffed the joke, and it pretty much wound up not being what he originally had come up with. In the editing room, John tells her he'll do it the way she likes, but he makes it clear that he thinks she blew the joke. "I think it's a mess," he says. And he can, because he's the power player on the team at this point, and he's done it in a way that hasn't even made everyone hate him.
Later, Trump emerges from a limo and gets into the Trumpicopter. I love the scenes where he changes forms of transportation. It's like Superman, only instead of Clark Kent, he has a regular car. Trump dials his very own in-plane Rhonaphone and tells her that he's expecting a call from Nipples, and Rhona should put him through when he calls.
And then we go to Magna, where...for reasons I kind of don't understand, the entire team is dressing up like chefs. So they've decided to take the part of their commercial that has nothing to do with the product, and dress up that way. I guess it's better than dressing up like porn stars, although that would have been funny. ["In theory. In practice, Michael…g-string…call me Kristen but I ain't seeing the humor." -- Sars] Michael thinks the whole thing is stupid, which is true, but proposes being dressed up as a bar of soap instead, which is not such sound thinking. It's like vetoing Big Daddy to watch The Animal. With the male team members actually wearing chef's hats, Magna goes into the room where Nipples is waiting to see their ad. Nipples begins by introducing the team to two of his managing partners. They're both women, whom Nipples calls "taskmasters." Hott! Nipples begins by telling the team that he can't take them seriously in those stupid outfits, so he at least wants the chef's hats off. Erin looks mortified through her phony smile. Once the hats have been dispensed with, Bren pushes the button to start their commercial.
In Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial, we first see the lady chef at the sink with her young "apprentice" (ha ha ha! I am funnier than Kristen, and I wasn't even going for funny), and then she reaches in so that her hand covers his hand, which is in turn on -- the cucumber! HA HA HA! DO YOU GET IT? She stares lustfully at the apprentice while she shakes the water off the cucumber. And then, of course, as is the tradition in all good seductions, she...makes a mug of tea. (This has something to do with the green tea in the body wash, but boy, can you ever not tell, and boy, does the cup of tea in the middle of the semi-porn look stupid. ["So…I'm the only one whose mind went straight to tea-bagging? Okay then." -- Sars]) The lady chef lingers in a doorway, and then she does her "here, big fella" finger-waggle as the apprentice looks on. He heads into the back room with her, where...she has a tray of containers of body wash laid out. No, really. In the kitchen. Like she's been putting them in the soup. And then the apprentice chef picks one up and holds it up to the lady chef's nose, and she makes like it's 100 percent pheromones and she might have a bit of a moment right here and now, but then it passes, because she realizes that she is in the unsexiest commercial since "Don't Squeeze the Charmin." And then the thing you see is the apprentice walking away from the camera, his arm around his boyfriend. Only the one guy is really short and the other guy is really tall, so they look more like a dad and his son, especially since you never see the big guy's face, and the little guy walks off leaning up against the big guy in a childlike way. And the woman looks all frustrated, and the voice-over says that the body wash is "a refreshing twist." Because they're GAY. GET IT? When the commercial is over, Nipples looks around with a contemptuous chuckle, but that might just be what his head looks like. He sends Magna out without a word about their commercial.
Net Worth enters, with Kristen and her newsboy cap carrying a tray of body wash. Their commercial starts. As you would expect, the only thing to not suck entirely is the music, which is at least boring and unobjectionable. In the ad itself, there are a bunch of runners running along, and then Sexy Guy pulls up with a charley horse or something. (Objection, irrelevant.) Other runners get bottles of water. Bottle! Bottle! And then...body wash! Yeah, see, Sexy Guy gets handed a container of body wash. It is not clear why. The other runners stop and look. Sexy Guy rubs body wash onto his sweaty arm. He rubs body wash on his sweaty face. He makes a cheesy grinning face, and then he wipes the body wash directly off his sweaty self with a towel. Random shots of cucumbers and -- you guessed it -- tea are supposed to make it all better. And then he runs off. No water, either before or after the body wash. And also, for the most part, he put the body wash on his face. Nipples tells Net Worth that he "appreciate[s] the effort," and then he sends them out. Get out, out!
Nipples and the Nippletones have no love for either of the commercials. They discuss the fact on Net Worth, there's the strange fact that they use the product completely wrong, in a way that makes it look gross. But Magna's "semi-porn movie" is "unairable." One of the women thinks that the ending where a guy leaves with a guy and a woman gets a cucumber isn't really her idea of a great concept. Heh. And they really, really hate the part where Net Worth managed to make refreshing body wash look gross. And also, where they used it on the guy's face. So Net Worth didn't really get what the product is, and that's a slight problem. Nipples just feels like they have nothing to pick on either side. They bring both teams back into the room.
Nipples makes the call to Trump. In the Trumpicopter, Trump asks him how it went. Nipples begins by saying that with Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial, he didn't even really get their ad, from the standpoint that he didn't even get what the product was. And also, Nipples doesn't think the "gay bit" is the "right positioning" for a "mass product." So much for outside the box. Nipples then turns to Net Worth, saying how really gross it was to see that guy rub body wash on his sweaty face. Nipples calls it "the most unrefreshing thing in the world," and even though that's not a word, I agree. "I've got to tell you, you both missed big. You both sucked," he says. Nipples tells Trump that he really can't recommend a winner, because both of the ads were that bad. Trump says that what they'll do is have no winner and no reward, and both teams will come back to the Boardroom. Anybody can be fired except Angie. Ooh, harsh!
Sadly, we watch the teams return to the Love Palace. Erin explains that the mood, of course, was very grim, seeing as how both teams had bombed at Madonna-movie levels. Michael gives Erin a big hug, hoping that she will perhaps not throw him to the wolves, since he was so obviously hated by everyone last week and by all rights should take the booting this week, as long as everybody's eligible. He interviews that because of his precarious position, he has to be nice in the Boardroom, even though he didn't support the vegetable porn. Kristen, on the other hand, says she just came back to the suite and went to bed, because she isn't used to hearing such nasty things said about her. I think it's safe to say that she is now. Everyone lolls around the L-Pal, and then it seems to be thundering and lightning…ing. Bren and Michael have a chat in which Bren says that he knows he'll be in some trouble for being the concept guy on Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. Bren interviews, in fact, that this is his first trip to the Boardroom feeling nervous. Because he knows he might be fired for his "little vegetable porn creation." Yeah. You might. Bren also tells Michael that he hasn't slept a night since they've been there, and that's a little weird. Although it would explain his increasingly desperately rodential manner.
John has already, of course, positioned himself as almost un-fireable as a result of having been sent away for the actual shooting of the ad, and Kristen is working on him to support her in the idea that it was Tana and Audrey's fault that there wasn't good footage, because those two were in charge of the models. Kristen tries to instruct John about what he's going to say if Trump asks him why they didn't get more footage, but John tells her nothing doing -- he's going to say that he thinks they missed the joke in the entire way the commercial was shot. And that's a problem for her, obviously. He says that it will be up to her, then, to explain why the bad execution wasn't her fault. Damn, he is good. Kristen continues to equivocate, but John is in the best position of all, which is that he's good and he's been good, so he doesn't really have to play except when he decides he wants to. In an interview, he explains that Kristen is the one who said that the final (sucky) product indeed represented her (sucky) interpretation of his (slightly less sucky) idea, so he thinks she's clearly the one who should be fired.
Magna has a team meeting in which Erin comments that she thought they wanted racy, and the team thought it was delivering racy. Bren sadly says that he bears some part of the responsibility for the stupid idea. Alex interviews that this is exactly true -- if Trump hates the whole idea of what they did, Bren will be the one to take the brunt of the wrath of the Hair. Alex says, though, that Bren's firing would be a terrible loss, and accordingly, Erin says in the meeting that everyone supported the idea, stupid as it may have turned out to be. Elsewhere, Kristen is trying to get Tana fired up to blame Audrey, which seems like such a totally losing battle, I cannot even tell you. Tana interviews that, indeed, Kristen wants Audrey out, and she thinks Kristen will ultimately get rid of Audrey. Bren's words, as they head out, are that the Boardroom will not be pretty, because he's sure Trump is not happy about the universal sucking.
Ding! The teams enter the Boardroom. When they're all seated, Erin and Kristen stare grimly ahead, the Two Brunettes Of The Apocalypse. Trump reminds them how much Nipples thought they all totally screwed up the assignment, and how "terrible" both of their commercials were. Asked for her opinion on how the team did, Erin accentuates the positive, saying that the team "worked together well," and they met deadlines and didn't fight. In other words, they sucked functionally. Which, I agree, is better than the alternative. Trump points out that they still made a shitty product. Trump calls for the Magna tape. Bring on Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial!
Vegetable porn ensues. When the commercial is over, Trump is like, "Ay-yi-yi." George adds that he doesn't see anything in their ad that he thinks would appeal to Dove as the way they want to promote their product. Trump says he heard it was Bren's idea. Where did Bren get the idea? Bren immediately loses every point he has gained with me since the beginning of time by saying the ad is the "very opposite of [his] moral beliefs." But it was a risk. Yes. It was the Risk Of The Gay-Themed Advertisement. LoopTrump tells them that Dove is a yooge product sold all over the world, and they "must have been crazy to think the stupid cucumber idea wouldn't offend anyone." Of course, inability to offend anyone is not the standard by which commercials have ever been judged, but Trump will not be slowed by logic.
And now, it's time for the Net Worth ad, in which we learn that body wash is actually rather stanky. The runner runs, sweats, wipes, dries. "Boy, that's terrible," Trump says. He goes on to say that normally, ads are subjective and you never really know. But you can tell that both of these suck. Hee. Asked for her opinion, Audrey says, "I think Kristen was terrible." Double-hee. Audrey goes on to explain that John's joke was funny the way it started out, and Kristen turned it into something stupid and not funny. Craig, incidentally, is working a glorious 'fro that he teased the shit out of in the L-Pal beforehand, and I personally think it's hot. I mean, would I have him wear it like that every day? Maybe not. But he looks awesome. In my favorite line of all, Audrey says of Kristen, "She doesn't have the personality to make it funny." Which is exactly true, and painful. Well, and therefore painful.
Trump asks John what he thinks, and he also thinks it should have been funny, and it wound up having too much going on, with the body shots and things. In other words, you can't really have your commercial be sultry and goofy. Which is largely true, because you only have 30 seconds, and you can't turn on that particular dime. Kristen insists that the idea was that the sweaty person got refreshed, and Carolyn is like, "You use body wash with water, moron." Only nicer. Though not very much. Carolyn puts it simply: "It repelled you from buying this product." I hope they're all taking notes. Like Carolyn thinks repelling the consumer is bad -- seems to feel strongly. Kristen then moves on to her anti-Audrey segment, which is to say they were going to use water, but the models were difficult. She goes on to point out that Audrey was in charge of the models, and Audrey says she certainly was not. Tana was in charge of the models, and Audrey assisted. Tana affirms that she was in charge of the models, but denies that model problems were the reason they didn't use water in the ad. Certainly are a lot of walls closing in on our Kristen.
George says that he wants to hear from Chris, because Chris hasn't yet said anything. What is Chris thinking? Well, Chris is thinking that he's about to freak, as he often does. He recalls being told to be "bold," and says that while the Net Worth ad wasn't as bold, at least IT WASN'T GAY! That's basically what he says, about the "homosexual connotation," at which point Erin's eyeballs go, "Boing!" Which I love, because you can tell she totally forgot there were even idiots like this floating around anymore. Have you noticed that true homophobes are becoming marginalized? Yeah. Eat it, suckers. And then Trump gets really weird, and says to Chris, "Are you not a homosexual?" "Sir, I am not a homosexual," Chris insists loudly. He goes on to spit, "That is a not a huge number of people to attract." Well, sure, but it's all the good ones. Just kidding! Don't email me! Trump turns to Erin, and she's like, "Who watches Will and Grace, a show about gay men? Women, women, women." Word. And, as stated, Queer As Folk, too.
Time to move on. Asked whom she will be bringing to the final table, Erin names Bren and Michael, and Trump says he figured. And Kristen? She will be bringing Tana and Audrey, hoping desperately to convince Trump it was some kind of model malfunction. Everyone else gets to go up to the L-Pal, but the final six, three from each team, have to stick around.
When the candidates are gone, Carolyn argues that Tana has done well in tasks. "She's better than Michael," Carolyn says dismissively. And, really, who isn't? "Bren came up with the ridiculous cucumber idea," Carolyn nearly spits. Asked for his opinion on Kristen as PM, George says she flat-out failed. Having heard all that, Trump is ready to let the candidates back in.
When they're all seated, Kristen begins to dance, saying that she directed, and when she put Audrey and Tana in charge of the models, she expected them to follow through and do a good job, which she argues they didn't. Audrey counters with the whole "boyfriend is a director" thing, saying that if Kristen knew so much about directing, she should have been able to respect the people who were working on the set. Trump asks Audrey whom she would fire if she were in his position, and even given the opportunity to pick somebody from the other team instead, Audrey suggests firing Kristen, because she sucks that much. Erin looks around, a little surprised.
Trump turns to Erin and asks why he shouldn't just fire Bren for being the brains behind Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. Erin says that he shouldn't fire Bren, because the people on her team are family, and she'd never advocate that anyone fire her mom. Or something. He asks her whether he should fire her, and she says of course he shouldn't -- she didn't really know what she was doing, but she stepped up and she did her best. She had honor and integrity. And courage. And that wasn't a terrible answer, really, except that honor and integrity don't matter. But we tend to pretend they do on this show, so it's all right.
Trump asks Kristen whether she was a bad leader in the sense that her entire team imploded. She says that it wasn't her fault, and that it happened because Audrey is such a "loose cannon." Oooh, Magic 8-Ball! Hee hee. Anyway, Audrey jumps into this and says that it's crap, that Kristen just doesn't like her. Trump asks whether the models were a problem, and Audrey says the models didn't get direction from Kristen. Carolyn returns to the lack of water use with the body wash, which was "disgusting." She says that she doesn't get why they couldn't get the models to throw water on themselves as the idea originally called for. Tana says that Kristen never wanted to shoot it that way and never asked the models to do it like that. There is some more back and forth about how Kristen never saw it as a "joke," and Audrey's like, "Yeah, that's the PROBLEM," and then finally Trump puts a stop to it. He traps Kristen in the fact that when the result is this crappy and you tried to be a strong leader, you're stuck with bad performance on your own part, or failure to control other people who sucked. She doesn't want to admit to either.
Trump turns to Erin and tells her that her commercial really sucked, but she seemed to keep her team together. So nobody from her group is going to be fired. But then he returns to Kristen and says that her leadership sucked. She argues that the team is very hard to lead, and Trump basically says that if teams were easy, they wouldn't need managers. Which, good point. ["I don't know why PMs keep going back to that well. If your team wasn't listening, you screwed up, so that buck-pass won't play and they should know not to try it by now unless it's an extreme case like Omarosa." -- Sars] Kristen continues to try to argue her case, but you can see that she's circling the drain at this point. And eventually, Trump lets her go into the pipes. She's fired.
Kristen, down! Everybody else, up! Trump tells George and Carolyn that he had no choice, because Kristen showed no leadership. Kristen goes out to the cab. Well, at least now she can be with Brian.
Kristen's taxi interview is one long self-justifying ramble, so good for her. At least she remained true to herself.
week: Mobile businesses! (Whatever that means.) Trump hates phonies! Down is up! Up is down!