Credits. Money-money-money moooo-ney! Wiggle your hips! Dance with your cat! Sing really loudly until your neighbors plead with you to please, please stop it! But don't tell them you got the idea from me!
Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal. We watch some people gambling their life savings at the craps tables, and then at the slot machines, and then at the blackjack tables and whatnot. So this week's theme, apparently, is "personal responsibility." Elsewhere in the hotel, we find that Assorama is still in the purple-carpeted office where we left her last week. I love that, because one of the great things about a casino is that you can have bright purple carpet in the part of the office devoted to doing business, and nobody bats an eye. Elsewhere, purple carpeting pretty much means that you're in the "brothel" section of whatever business you're currently patronizing. Anyway, Assorama is holding the phone and asking some presumably very bored individual, "How do you lose a rock star?" Obviously, there are a lot of ways to lose Jessica Simpson, starting with failure to leave an adequate trail of bread crumbs when you take her from her bedroom to the kitchen, so I won't even bother with those jokes for the remainder of the recap. You'll thank me later. Assorama interviews, in any event, that Jessica Simpson was "missing." She was "nowhere to be found." We are actually picking things up a bit behind where we left off last week, because we just now see Troy and Kwame entering the room to check in with Assorama, who claims that she called Diane about Jessica's transportation, but Diane never got back to her. Liar, liar, ugly outfit on fire.
Despite this incredibly clever ruse that is only sullied by the fact that it is exactly the same as the incredibly clever ruse she used yesterday, Assorama is not successful in deflecting attention away from herself. Kwame, in fact, voices over that "[Assorama] just totally dropped the ball." He goes on. "I would have fired [Assorama], because she's not competent," he says. "But I didn't have the luxury of doing that." We watch Assorama back in the office making another phone call. As it turns out, she is now chirping to the original chirpmeister -- Jessica herself. This phone call, I suspect, causes cracks in the earth's crust from the collision of utter amorality and unmitigated stupidity. Assorama asks Jessica where exactly she is, and surprisingly, Jessica seems to know where she is, and seems to be able to state where she is. She probably asked someone. Kwame explains in a voice-over that it turned out that Jessica's people booked their own transportation; nobody told the team (and the team never checked, of course), so it turned out Jessica had two transport options lined up. So when Jessica was "lost," she was actually already being taken to the hotel.
Assorama and Kwame go to Jessica's suite to greet her. The great and mightily put-upon Nick Lachey answers the door, and Kwame and Assorama both introduce themselves to him. Kwame asks Nick how he likes the hotel, and Nick says that the suite is fabulous. I have to think, however, that a guy like Nick has probably seen about all the enormously fancy hotel rooms that one can really absorb, and probably just doesn't get all twittery over the gold-plated fruit baskets anymore. Jessica herself emerges at this point, and Kwame introduces himself and Assorama, whom he calls his "colleague," like he's trying to find some way to explain her presence without implying either that he has any control over her professionally or that he would ever associate with her socially. Assorama makes nice with Jessica, giving her the whole "oh, when I couldn't find you, I was like, 'I have lost the biggest rock star in the country.'" Is Jessica Simpson what passes for "rock" in Assoramaland? Does Pat Boone know about this? Because I think even he would be offended. "Jessica Simpson is not rock," he would say. "Now I, on the other hand, am rock." Jessica tells us that at the airport, she was "confused." You can't see anyone else in the room at this point, but I'm sure they're all trying to look surprised. Assorama assures Jessica that from here on out, it's all going to be smooth sailing, logistically speaking. I'm sure Jessica is filled with confidence. Or, you know, would be filled with confidence if she were capable of processing words other than "good girl" and "autograph" and "personal shopper." Kwame interviews that although there have been a few snags, everything is basically going well with the preparations for the concert. I guess that by "everything," he means "everything except successfully transporting either the band or the singer to the hotel."
Trump tells Bill that he'll have a couple of minutes to think about it during the commercials. And after the commercials, we'll find out which job Bill is taking, and we'll also find out (again) about Nick, Amy, Sam, Assorama, and so forth. This brings out the rest of the candidates, all of whom are angling to suck up to Bill -- even Assorama, yuck. There is much sucking up as we go to commercial.
After the break, Trump recaps the options Bill has just been given for the big job. There is the skyscraper, and there is the golf course. Which will it be, Boyfriend Bill? Bill says that while California has great weather and the golf course would be great, Chicago is home and it's his favorite place to be, so he's taking the tower. "Don't worry," Trump says, "You're going to have plenty of supervision on that building. I don't care if you're president or not." Heh. It's so hard on a reality show when the truth oozes out. Trump tells Bill, however, that it's a great choice. He then looks at his new chosen guy, sitting with the rest of the contestants, and says, "What are you doing over there? I fired all those people. Get over here." Bill picks up his chair and goes to sit at the faux Boardroom table with Trump, Carolyn, and George. He is warmly applauded, including by Kwame, who has more class than anyone, ever, as far as I'm concerned. Job or no job, he's the bomb. Trump asks Bill how he feels, and Bill says it's a great place to be sitting right now, no question. Trump tells him it wasn't an easy decision, and takes the opportunity to go on about how much he digs Kwame. "That man right there is some man," he says. Everyone applauds, because everyone knows this is true. Trump congratulates Kwame, and seems to come as close as he can to saying it was practically a coin flip without actually saying so. Not surprising.
Trump now moves to the group of candidates to talk to them. He goes directly to Assorama, and calls her out for lying, and having gotten "caught on tape this time." Hee, "this time." How does she explain that? She has a cute line all planned, though, and she is determined to use it before she starts instead of answering the question. So she says something about all this firing her and rehiring her, and she laughs, and nobody else laughs, and Trump is already bored with her and thinks that if she doesn't want to answer the question he asked her, she can fuck right off, so he moves on to the person, which I found utterly hilarious and which catches her completely unprepared. She totally thinks she's going to go back now and explain the lying, and there is just no opportunity. HA! Also, the audience openly cheers when he tells her, basically, to shut up because her turn is over.
The thing you know, it is 5:30 AM at Briarcliff Manor. Outside the clubhouse, Nick is greeting Bill, commenting that it's early, and it's cold. As it turns out, Bill roused the team at about 4:30 in the morning on the Saturday of the golf tournament so that they could get an early start. Bill interviews that he "would rather have more time than not enough time." Seriously. The team is probably lucky he let them go to sleep at all rather than pouring Red Bull down their throats at 3:00 AM while he hollered at them to keep polishing the golf balls. He comments that he was impressed that when he went to fetch the team at 5:15, Katrina was ready to go. "It's the first time in thirteen weeks that she's been ready to go on time," he smiles, "so I've got to give her credit. I owe her one, that's for sure." Indeed, in the clubhouse, Katrina and Amy exchange a "Jesus, it's early, and we should really kill him" look as they wait to leave. It's positively bizarre watching how buddy-buddy Amy and Katrina are throughout this task, by the way, considering that not only was Katrina extraordinarily bitchy about Amy when she was fired, but in the post-show press, she has done everything short of calling Amy a tramp. But for now? They're practically sisters, eeeee! Let's do each other's nails! At any rate, we watch Bill stride purposefully across the parking lot of the club as the sun is just beginning to peek out, and he re-explains his task as tournament director for this particular event. Incidentally, anytime there is a description of Bill walking anywhere while the golf tournament is going on, you should envision something at least as intense as "strides purposefully." Because today, Bill doesn't know from the carefree mosey.
Bill makes his way into one of the offices, where he explains to a guy (who I'm thinking is on the ground crew or something) that the team has managed to lose a Marquis Jet sign somewhere along the way. Apparently, the sign was among the stuff that was errantly stored in the model home and then had to be moved when Lesley made it clear that Model Home Garage Storage Requisition Form 5834 had not been properly completed in triplicate, and thus everything had to be moved into the office. Bill describes the sign to the guy, and the guy promises to keep an eye out for it. This is also where Boyfriend Bill receives the bad news that the tournament is going to suffer a "frost delay." Apparently, you can't walk on the golf course while there's frost, lest you "crack the grass" or "allow an invasion by actual native plants" or something. Therefore, their tournament, scheduled to tee off at 9:00 AM, won't be starting until at least 10:30. Bill is immediately aware that this is going to screw up the agenda for the whole day, and he makes his very first constipated face of the day. It will not be his last. Bill asks the guy, very seriously, how the club would normally handle an onset of frost, and the guy is like, "Well, we drink coffee until it's warmer." Heh. Take that, you type-A tobacco-pusher.
Bill goes to talk to the team, and as he voices over that he wants to "stay calm," we see him say tightly to Amy that he's still very concerned about the missing Marquis Jet sign. Doing great on the calm-staying so far, obviously. He and Amy do some more poking around in the office, looking for it. As Bill calls someone to double-check on whether they've turned it up, Amy keeps looking. Bill tells whoever it is on the phone that Marquis Jet is a fairly significant sponsor, and it's not going to be good at all if they lose the sign. Amy interviews that they actually had several signs missing initially, and that this was "stressful" because they actually had contractual obligations to display those signs for the sponsors who had given money, and it wasn't going to go over well if they didn't have the signs available. We gaze at a guy mowing the course while it's still cold enough to see his breath, and Bill interviews that it was crucial to maintain good relationships with the sponsors. We're back, by the way, to the no-socks interview that I was hating on last week. I may not like Boyfriend Bill's naked ankles, but obviously, somebody does. We then see Bill (but not the naked ankles) in yet another guy's office, looking for the sign and telling the guy to let him know if he sees it. The guy looks like it's not outside the realm of possibility that he will take a swing at Bill if Bill doesn't shut up about the damn sign.
We move to a bit later in the morning, as people are beginning to arrive. Bill is outside milling around, and he voices over that as they were still looking for the sign, the Marquis Jet guys showed up. He explains to them outside that there's a frost delay, and they should just go have some coffee and donuts. He does not say, "Give me just a minute here, because I am frantically looking for your sign." Probably wise. Bill then finds another guy and goes with him to look in a new office for the missing sign. There, again, he has no luck. After he and the guy get through pawing through some packages and finding that the sign isn't there, Bill says, "I'm going to take a run down to the dumpster just if there's some weird chance that it got thrown out." And indeed, Bill does run to the dumpster. And what does he find down by the dumpster? The Marquis Jet sign, still in its cardboard sleeve. "Sweet Ginger Brown [sic]," he says as he pulls it from its box, apparently combining the Spice Girls with the Harlem Globetrotters to come up with his personal patron saint of lost promotional materials. He mutters under his breath that he has no idea how the sign got to the dumpster. I suspect Assorama, or someone she hired to spread the misery. Amy, however, interviews that she thinks that because they had the office so filled with debris, they were trying to get it cleaned and thought the box was just trash. It's not as implausible as it sounds, because the sign is just foam core, and foam core inside a cardboard box doesn't feel that much different from nothing inside a cardboard box.
At any rate, Boyfriend Bill shows off the sign for the Marquis Jet guys, and interviews about the miracle of finding the sign when there were probably thirty seconds before the guys figured out that something was amiss. Heh.
Taj Mahal, morning. Kwame and Troy are waiting for a meeting with two representatives of Operation Smile, which is a very nice charity, but quite honestly has one of those names that makes you want to punch someone. It's not that the name isn't relevant to the charity, either -- it's a charity for kids with cleft palates, and it provides them with the opportunity to have life-changing surgery. Get it? Smile? So...yes, I'm a very bad person, and yay, life-changing surgery, and yay for good charities, but...I still kind of want to punch someone. Not a needy child or anything, you know. Just someone. Troy and Kwame sit in on a meeting in which the charity provides a lot of information about their work, much of which is probably not completely necessary given the incredibly short timeline and the fact that they are more Jessica-wranglers than promoters of the charity, since the tickets that will benefit the charity have presumably already been sold. There's probably no tactful way to say, however, "I don't really care about your good works, because I have to make sure Jessica Simpson isn't upstairs inadvertently spraying her hair with Raid or something." Kwame tells us that he got up at 6:30 after going to bed at 2:00, so he's not running on very much sleep.
The first big event this morning is a 10:00 breakfast with Operation Smile. Unfortunately, when all the parties -- including Jessica, the Operation Smile folks, and Secondary NotGeorge -- file in for breakfast, there is nothing to eat, which does have a tendency to detract from the "breakfast" aspect. Without the food, it's really just "meeting before anyone's had coffee." Kwame interviews that Assorama was originally going to be in charge of the breakfast, but she begged off on the theory that she already had entirely too many things she was in charge of mishandling and she could not possibly mishandle anything else, so he put Troy in charge. Unfortunately, in the shuffle, nobody actually told the food preparation people that the breakfast was at 10:00, so they have nothing ready. Secondary NotGeorge is extremely unhappy about this turn of events, and tells Kwame that it's frankly embarrassing to be without pancakes for Jessica. (Or celery sticks, or Louis Vuitton cereal, or whatever she has for breakfast.) Assorama smugly interviews that Troy failed to "follow up" on the catering as he should have. She also complains, as we see her pull Kwame away from an agitated NotGeorge for a chat, that Kwame is being too laid-back and needs to be "more intense." Meanwhile, the head of catering tells Secondary NotGeorge that he in fact had no contact with Troy whatsoever. Secondary NotGeorge complains in an interview that apparently, the team believed that the food would all be sitting there at 10:00, even though they hadn't told anyone it was at 10:00. Hmm. I doubt it was quite that idiotic, but obviously, there was a breakdown in communications somewhere. Otherwise, Jessica would currently be eating French toast, which she would think had just arrived via airmail.
Secondary NotGeorge pulls Kwame aside and gives him a stern talking-to about how embarrassing it is when an extremely dumb celebrity's breakfast isn't ready. He also tells Kwame that no matter whether you've passed a responsibility to another person on the team or not -- when it comes down to it, it's your team and you're on the hook for making sure everything gets done. "Kwame's team killed him," Secondary NotGeorge interviews bluntly. He also says that Kwame appears to be "cracking" under the pressure. We walk with Kwame as he goes to meet with Troy and Heidi in the suite. They ask how breakfast went, and he breaks the news that it went not so well, actually. Troy insists that he did tell people the time for the breakfast, and Kwame interviews that once Troy told him that the work had indeed been done to prepare and make sure the breakfast was ready, there wasn't much else he could do in the situation. He says that he can't go back and double-check with catering guy that they did it, which I think isn't the case. He can exactly do that, and in this case, he should have done that. Kwame calls this "micromanaging," and repeats that it just isn't his thing. I'm not sure I know where Kwame draws the line between "micromanaging" and "managing."
Briarcliff. Bill chats with Lesley, telling her that he understands the delay to still be putting them off until about 10:30. She interviews with a slightly unseemly level of satisfaction that indeed, the delay will throw a wrench into Bill's carefully laid plans. She asks Bill whether he knows anything about Trump's arrival, and Bill assures her that they've got everything all ready for him, even though they don't know precisely when he's expected. "Be aware of his arrival," Lesley lectures, talking to Bill in exactly the patronizing, obnoxious way I suspect she was last week when Bill complained that she was treating him like an idiot. "Absolutely," he says pleasantly. We rise up to the sound of a swelling choir as Trump's car ceremoniously pulls up in the driveway. Because on this show, when you hear the angels singing, you know that a tacky billionaire approaches.
Donald emerges, wearing khakis, a yellow sweater, and a black baseball cap. Not very appealing, that ensemble. Indeed, his bag and all his stuff are immediately pulled up beside him, just as Bill said they would be, and Trump takes them. Bill, meanwhile, is tearing into the office, telling Amy and Katrina that there's nobody at the gift table, and there needs to be, because it looks horrible. They mostly ignore him, because he's freaking out, and they've obviously started to tune out the most freak-out-like moments. Outside, Trump makes his strange, lumbering way across the golf course toward the hospitality tent. He shakes some hands and so forth. Elsewhere, Bill walkie-talkies Katrina and asks her where she is, because he's right by the gift table, and has noticed that she isn't so much right by the gift table, which is where he asked her to be. Then he calls Nick and asks for an update on the frost delay. I suspect Nick's answer is, "Yeah, still all frosty," or something equally helpful.
As Bill continues to tear around the grounds, Trump slowly walks into the tent, greeting people as he goes, sometimes anonymously. Nick is now talking to Bill in person, and Bill still wants that frost update. Apparently, Bill believes that the hot air generated by fussing about the frost delay will cause the frost to dissipate more quickly. Trump is in the tent, making all har-har with his buddies about "no cheating" and all that rot. They probably have little side bets going on this tournament, Trump and his pals -- you know, loser has to lay off 1500 employees or something of that nature. Bill makes his way into the tent to greet Trump. Trump makes a great display of asking everyone whether Bill is doing a good job, assuring them all that he'll be quickly fired if he's not. "He'll be fired like a dog," Trump says. And you just know that if anyone had ever fired his dog, it would undoubtedly be Trump. ("Sure, I'm only giving you 48 hours' notice -- but that's like two weeks to you.") Bill asks whether Trump's stuff was all okay when he arrived, and Trump assures him it's all great. Bill voices over that while Trump made the "fired like a dog" remark somewhat in jest, he also made it completely not in jest, if you see what he's saying. He interviews that he wants to win, because the money is great, but the opportunity is also great. As he sits to a woman in a pink fuzzy hat, Trump says he wants to get going, and Bill tells him that they've got a delay. "No later than 10:30," Trump insists, explaining that he's going to Atlantic City afterwards. Bill says that he'll do his best. "No later than 10:30!" Trump repeats. Bill's got this look on his face like, "Okay, no problem, no problem, just need a way to transmit thermal energy to the earth's crust, no problem..."
Taj Mahal. Team meeting. Assorama is, remarkably enough, bitching to Heidi about the way that Troy "dropped the ball so bad on this breakfast." She goes on to say that they'll have to "rebound" with a great "meet and greet" with Jessica this afternoon. Heidi now goes into her bitchfest of the day, which is about how Kwame originally put her in charge of the meet and greet, but now Troy is supposed to be helping, and boo hoo hoo she's not the boss of it anymore and blah dee blah she feels like Kwame doesn't trust her and wah wah wah she feels undervalued. Because it's totally all about that right now. When Kwame and Troy return to the office where she and Assorama are hanging out, Heidi gives Kwame the same speech about how she feels like Kwame now has two people assigned to it. Her complaint is that she thinks that now, if anything goes wrong, she'll be the one who gets blamed. Where does she get this? From her paranoid brain. "I feel like it's, 'if something happens bad, it's all on you, Heidi.'" "If something happens bad, Heidi, it's all on me, actually," Kwame says with a smile. That was a great line, sadly wasted on her. Kwame clarifies for Heidi that indeed, she is in charge of the meet and greet, and she can wear the big party hat, and blah blah blah. Troy is just there to help her out in case she, you know, totally has no idea how to manage or do anything other than sales. He wants Heidi to make the decisions that need to get made. Of course, this isn't really what Heidi wants. Heidi, as usual, is afraid to run anything by herself. Therefore, what she is attempting to do here is set up her excuse for later if something goes wrong. She was certainly not trying to actually regain control of the meet and greet, which is what she got. Sucks to have your manager call your bluff, huh? Bereft of other options, she finally gets around to owning up to her lack of clue, complaining that she's never done a meet and greet before. Kwame patiently points out to her that nobody else has, either. They're all doing new things. She needs to be willing to do new things, too.
Kwame interviews that in case you didn't get it from that little moment, Heidi makes a much bigger deal out of things than she needs to. He points out that "she creates stressful situations" even where stress is not required or called for. He reassures her back in the meeting that indeed, she is in control and Troy is the "co-pilot." She sulks bitchily anyway, but he leaves, because honestly, what else is he going to do? He doesn't need an executive vice president in charge of bitchy sulking, but that's what he's got.
Briarcliff. Boyfriend Bill charges into the office, where Lesley is surveying what's left of the stuff that was stored in the offices. He assures her that all of the furniture is going to be put back where it belongs, and not to worry. "I'd like that done as soon as possible," she snots, and turns away from him, as he says, "That's -- that's high on my priority list." The minute Lesley walks away, Bill gets Katrina on the walkie-talkie to address the office clutter situation. He then interviews that this kind of high-pressure situation is actually the setting in which he really feels like he thrives. He talks about his on-the-run style, and says that some people don't like it. "But to me, that's the only way to do it," he says. He tells Katrina that cleaning out Lesley's office really needs to get done. Katrina wants to know where the stuff is going to go, and Bill tells her that it doesn't matter; they just need to get the stuff out of Lesley's hair -- they can stick it under the table if necessary. He bolts back into the office, as Katrina tells Amy that this whole hyped-up thing is what she thinks Bill needs to, you know, stop doing. She interviews that when she's asked to get something done, she does it, and she doesn't want to be asked multiple times. It doesn't sound like that was the first time he'd asked her about cleaning out the office, so I'm not sure she has much of a leg to stand on, but there you go at any rate.
Lesley now says in an interview that Bill was in and out of the clubhouse too many times, and she doesn't think it looks good for the manager of an event like this to be running around so much. Eh. It strikes me that if she's going to be self-involved enough to grouse about the boxes in her office while the tournament is right in the middle of being conducted, she needs to understand that's going to make him run around like the little windup toy he is at this point. Elsewhere, Bill meets up with Amy, who assures him that everything's fine. Pairings? Done. Everybody's done? Done. All the athletes are...? Amy just stares at him. Finally getting her point, he puts his hand on her shoulder and grins. "You know what I'm about to say," she says calmly. "I've gotta ask," he laughs. She reminds him in her kindergarten teacher voice that they had an agreement that he was only going to ask her stuff once. Hee. Amy now interviews that Trump's business is all about stressful situations, and she's troubled at how frazzled Boyfriend Bill has been getting about this. As Katrina and Amy stroll at the golf tournament, they both talk about how they would never double-check things this many times if they were just checking with each other. Well, of course they wouldn't. They would just talk about each other in secret -- in Katrina's case, throwing in a few scandalous rumors about Amy in the process. Amy interviews that she thinks Bill won't win, which makes her "sad." Because Amy really, truly cares.
Taj Mahal. A pigeon waddles across the Boardwalk. And in a segue that absolutely has nothing to do with the pigeon at all, honestly, Heidi now gets off the elevator with her walkie-talkie, preparing for the meet and greet. She's got that stupid red pleated skirt on again, by the way, which is just...really, really no. Not even as part of a schoolgirl uniform. Really, really...no. Heidi interviews that the meet and greet where the fans and the VIPs can meet Jessica is "really critical." She manages to work in a reference to how impor-ant it is not to "underestimate" her. Because of course, it's still all about Heidi and everyone totally cares about whether she's "underestimated," even though she did get booted weeks ago and is about to experience a shelf life as a celebrity somewhat shorter than the amount of time required to prepare microwave popcorn. (A small bag.) She also reminds us that she is "more confident than Troy." Yaaawn. When she gets to the meet and greet, however, she discovers that the event is suddenly expecting a lot more people than the room can hold. The VP of entertainment at the Taj Mahal interviews that they substantially increased the number of casino guests who were expected at this event, and the information was passed to Troy, but it didn't make it to Kwame or Heidi. Heidi pages Kwame to the meet and greet ballroom, and when he gets there, he smoothly reassures the gathered worriers that their plan involves only bringing people through the ballroom in groups anyway, so they don't intend to have all of the people in the room at the same time. Thus, the fact that there isn't room for everyone isn't so important. They all seem to approve this plan. It's interesting that Heidi didn't come up with it, what with being in charge and everything, just like she wanted.
At this point, we move to George, who tells us that this task is very difficult, and it appears to him that Kwame has it well in hand. "I think Kwame's doing very well," George interviews. Kwame leaves again. He interviews that although he's nervous, he continues to believe that leaders have to maintain an illusion of calm, whether they actually feel calm or not.
Now, the meet and greet gets underway, and Secondary NotGeorge is again not all that pleased about the way things are going. He says that although Heidi was in charge of it in name, Troy was in charge of it in practice. He says that when the VIPs filed into the room, Troy talked to them all about standing in line and filing in, and Secondary NotGeorge felt that he did it in the wrong way, like they were "third-graders." One might ask whether a Jessica Simpson fan is likely to be insulted by being treated like a third-grader, but I suppose that would be unkind. I know some very smart third-graders. It does appear that Troy goes way overboard with his hick routine while trying to be charming, and he does indeed come off like he's conducting an all-hay-chewing episode of Romper Room.
In the purple-carpeted office, Kwame is trying to reach Assorama on her walkie-talkie, but she's unavailable, because she's extremely busy screwing around onstage with Jessica's band. And her skirt? Obscenely short. Just like old times. But meanwhile, Jessica is late for her meet and greet, because Assorama isn't getting her there. Heidi is apologizing to the VIPs for the late start, and she's promising that they expect Jessica very shortly. Kwame continues to page Assorama, who continues to frolic with the band, asking about the whereabouts of her tambourine. Ah, Assorama as a tambourine. Tuneless, useless, devoid of purpose...that's one perfect metaphor she accidentally came up with. Kwame says back in the office that Assorama won't pick up her phone. Somebody eventually catches up with Assorama over by the stage, and she claims that she's been telling Jessica that they need to leave for the meet and greet -- which may or may not be true. She would say it either way, obviously, true or not. Finally, she picks up the phone for Kwame and tells him that she's got Jessica on the way to the meet and greet.
We watch a lavender-sweatered Jessica walk up to the ballroom, and then Heidi, inside, spots her and runs over to greet her. Heidi seats Jessica at her autograph-signing table, and Jessica gives the idiot two-handed wave as she sits down. As the meet and greet progresses, we visit with Kwame, who is back in the office talking about how difficult it is to keep everything organized in a complex task like this. He repeats that his leadership style depends on the assumption that the people he puts in charge are competent. He says that otherwise, you're doing your own job and everyone else's as well, and that benefits no one. I would understand that attitude if your goal as a manager were the personal growth of your employees, but in this case, what is he trying to do, improve Heidi and Assorama as people? Yeah, good luck with that. When he's done, I'd like to be taller.
Briarcliff. Trump, from his perch in the tent, declares that it's time to play golf, so the tournament gets underway. Many wealthy men stand around hitting golf balls, and then Trump gets in his cart. "Let's win it," he says. And that's only a little bit stupid, but then he adds, "Kick ass," which is extremely hilarious. For some reason, even as a guy with a few billion dollars who has probably driven many a normal citizen into abject poverty, Trump really can't pull off "kick ass." As a bevy of golf carts heads down the winding path, Bill interviews that once the tournament got moving, he felt the pressure begin to ease. He says that now he's "going into event planning mode" in preparation for the dinner that will follow the tournament. Amy directs some SUV or other to turn around inside the tent, I think. Preparations are made for dinner, and somebody gets a martini. Meaning that somebody either has no taste in drinks or has never had tequila. Outside, Bill tells Carolyn as they walk toward the tent that he put a schedule in her mailbox of everything that's going to happen for the rest of the day. Bill interviews that Lesley and Carolyn "run a very tight ship," in that the club is "very exclusive" and everything has to be top of the line at all times. He says that it was therefore a stressful day, but ultimately, he thinks they've got everything covered. "Presentation-wise, I think it looks great," he tells Carolyn as they survey the dinner. "How do you think it looks?" "I think it looks great," she says simply. She interviews that overall, she thought Bill did very well. "Were there quite a few hiccups? Absolutely," she says. "Is that par for the course? Absolutely." Ew, was that a golf pun? I would think Carolyn would be so above a golf pun. If she weren't, I'd think she'd do nothing else all day, and that's not even counting all the "hole" jokes that she would have to keep inside her head and not tell anyone about.
The music drums dramatically as Amy says that Trump National is a gorgeous course. She coos about the money Trump put into renovating it, and then says that with the beauty of the setting, and the nice fall weather, and the "good-looking" men, it was quite a day. By "good-looking," of course, Amy means "rich." And her mention of how great it is when the men are all wearing "their golf uniforms" strikes me as a little bit off. I've never in my life lusted after a guy specifically attired for golf, and that is the truth. I think it's the pants. ["Also, 'uniforms'? Shut up, Amy." -- Sars] Anyway, for better or for worse, golf ensues. Bill mingles, introducing himself to some of the players. More golf. Trump happily announces a birdie, which he probably paid someone to sink for him. As an independent contractor, of course, and not as an employee, because employees get benefits and have to be covered by workers' comp.
Back at the clubhouse, Bill tells Lesley that Trump is on his way back from his round. When Trump returns, Bill asks him how the golf went, and Trump says it went well. "Eighteen under," he says of his group. "I can't see losing." Bill smiles and says that he likes that attitude. Bill interviews that Trump's foursome won the tournament. Wow, there's a shocker. Quite a remarkable coincidence. Bill also says that Trump seemed impressed with the seamlessness of the proceedings. He says that he himself was also pleased, as things were "relatively flawless." Hee. I wonder what "relatively flawless" means. He gives a little thanks-everybody speech at the end of the tournament in which he, well, thanks everybody, and also takes the opportunity to pimp the charity. Trump steps up and adds his comments, and publicly congratulates Bill on a great job. "I don't know if you're going to win or not," he says, "but congratulations on doing a good job."
For one of a very few times during this task, we see Nick, who is carrying a couple of golf bags. He interviews that Bill is performing like 1968 Namath -- "Bill's the man for the job, and he's just doing a wonderful job." Thanks, Nick. Crawl back in your hole now, where you apparently spent this entire task. And also, wipe that look off your face. What look, you ask? Well, pretty much any look you have on your face at any time deserves to be wiped off. Trump stops to talk to Katrina and Amy, who are eating something or other and are probably mortified to be caught doing so. Trump pauses as he steps in his limousine to inform us that he had a great day and a great round of golf, and now he's heading for Atlantic City to see how Kwame is doing. The Trumpicopter takes off, and we slide away from Briarcliff.
And then we are back in Atlantic City, where Kwame leaves the Purple Office, saying that he's meeting Trump on the helipad, and wants to have a briefing ready for him to reassure him that they're doing everything. When the helicopter lands, Kwame is indeed right there waiting to meet Trump. Melania exits the helicopter behind Trump, but no one pays any attention to her, because she has her coat on so you can't see her boobs. Kwame limits his attention to Donald, and he runs down the facts: Jessica arrived safely (eventually), they had the breakfast that morning (well, kind of), and the meet and greet is now in progress (uh, pretty much). Trump asks where all the VIPs are now, and Kwame says they're in Diamond Ballroom A.
Speaking of Diamond Ballroom A, now we are there, and Jessica is still signing autographs. In an interview in which Troy appears to be stuck in a tree (don't ask, I have no idea...contestant contracts are a mystery), he says that the meet and greet was going well at this point. Jessica, however, was getting antsy about the time, because she still had to eat and have her hair done and fluff her cerebral cortex and so forth. Assorama is enjoying the privilege of being Jessica's personal best friend far too much, by the way. Kwame, walking with Trump, radios Heidi and Troy to tell them that he's on the way down to the ballroom with Trump, and Troy gives him the right-on. "Thank you very much," Troy says into the walkie-talkie with a wry smile. "We're working on the talent." Hee. Troy interviews that Trump wanted to meet Jessica in the ballroom. Back at the meet and greet, Troy tells Assorama and Heidi that Trump wants to meet Jessica, and Heidi says that this might be a problem, because Joe really wants to hustle Jessica out of the meet and greet, and doesn't want to wait. Not even to meet Trump? Fool. Jessica stands around looking peevish, and Troy leaves the room briefly. Assorama, loving every minute of being Jessica Simpson's BFF, says that they might as well leave too. Oy. So she and Jessica are gone.
Trump, Melania, and Kwame approach the ballroom, as Trump assures Kwame that the helicopter flight went fine, and that Kwame will most likely travel that way himself someday. Back in the ballroom, Troy tells Heidi that there's no Jessica. "I left the room for two seconds!" he interviews in disbelief. I think on the list of Jobs You Do Not Want Under Any Circumstances Ever, you will find "Tracking Assorama and Jessica Simpson" listed somewhere near "Testing Types of Peppers To See How Much It Hurts When You Smear Them In Your Eyes." Kwame tries to get Assorama on the walkie-talkie, but nothing doing. Trump enters the ballroom, and of course, there's no Jessica. Troy briefs Kwame, who then goes and breaks the news to Trump that Jessica has taken off already and won't be back, because she'll have to go straight to the stage. A surprisingly serene Trump says that's fine, because they can go backstage to see her. With this plan in mind, he, Kwame, and Melania take off. When they get backstage, or wherever it is Kwame takes Donald to look for Jessica, however, he doesn't find Jessica, so Trump and Secondary NotGeorge are standing around with their respective thumbs in their ears with nothing to do. This does not make Trump happy. "Come on, Kwame, time is money," he snaps, rather unnecessarily, I'd say. Trump looks mightily unhappy, and at that, Kwame looks mightily unhappy as well. "Come on, Kwame, let's go!" Trump barks.
When we return from commercials, Trump is still waiting around with Diane, Secondary NotGeorge, and some other people, as Kwame tries to figure out where Assorama and Jessica have gone. "So where the hell are they?" Trump asks.
We cut to Assorama's neglected, forgotten walkie-talkie, which is sitting in her bag as people try desperately to get in touch with her. We pull back to see that we are in Jessica's suite, where Assorama is just hanging out and thinking about how great she is and how she's breathing air molecules recently exhaled by a genuine famous person. At the moment, more specifically, Assorama is trying on a ridiculous and huge black hat with feathers, to what she thinks is the amusement of Jessica and her entourage. Jessica smiles politely. Nick looks at Assorama like he can't get her out of his room fast enough. I swear, I've seen dogs who will pee on the floor in front of the neighbors who, compared to Assorama, really know how to read a room.
Kwame is still with Trump, calling for Assorama, but mercifully, Troy receives word that Jessica may well be up in her room already. He relays this to Kwame, and a now very grumpy Trump says that he'll just go up to the suite. "Come on, let's go. Man," he snaps. So Trump, Melania, Kwame, and Secondary NotGeorge head up to Jessica's suite. And when they get there, who answers the door? Assorama, of course. Inside, Trump chats up Jessica. Melania takes the opportunity to coo over how "cute" she thinks Newlyweds is. I suspect Melania thinks that Nick and Jessica are being ironic, or else that Melania doesn't know why thinking that "Chicken of the Sea" is tuna is funny either, so she feels Jessica's pain. Or lack of pain, or whatever that expression is that Jessica is always wearing.
But enough of Jessica's pain -- back to Kwame's pain. Kwame's pain in the ass, specifically. "[Assorama], I would never hire, because she's very intelligent, but she's a space cadet," he interviews. Snerk. Kwame goes on to say that it's hard to get in touch with Assorama, and she "wastes a lot of time and a lot of effort, and I don't have time for that. That's not how business is done." Obviously, Kwame isn't working for the right companies. Kwame recalls all of the awkwardness about Trump meeting Jessica, and calls it "the first time that [he] thought [he] could be fired." Really? With nine losses? For God's sake, Kwame, it should have occurred to you before now. Wake up, pumpkin -- it's a hazardous world out there.
Similarly, Kwame thanks his team at the Taj Mahal for all their work, and they break. He interviews unconvincingly about what a great job his team did. Even though they didn't, and they were kind of pains in the ass, too. He tells us that indeed, he wants to be the apprentice and he wants the opportunity. He leaves in a very large limo, praising Trump the entire time in his voice-over, talking about how he hopes that some of Trump's "dust" will rub off. Trump has dust? He seems like the type who would vacuum himself compulsively to keep that from happening. Maybe Kwame needs to find the Magic Lint Roller of Mojo.
Hyper-dramatic music plays as the sun rises in Manhattan, where Trump is returning to his home base. Boyfriend Bill and Kwame are both back at S4. As Bill prepares for the final Boardroom, we watch him primp, thus discovering that his hair is like that on purpose, at least to some degree. Who knew? He shaves, talking about how he hasn't "fully digested" the situation, really. He claims not to have slept at all. Trump de-copters and heads for his limo. Kwame is to his bed, praying. He talks about how "bittersweet" this is, because the game is coming to an end, but a whole new chapter might be starting. Trump's limo progresses through Manhattan. Bill interviews that his "life could change drastically" as a result of whatever happens over the few hours. He talks about the potential for "generational wealth" once you get yourself on a path blazed by a guy like Trump, and how this opportunity could change his "kids' kids lives." Kwame's thoughts are slightly less philosophical. "I'm going to try to respectfully take Bill down," Kwame voices over as he preps in front of the mirror. "That's all I can do, and he's going to do the same." We see Kwame's enormous collection of nice ties as he packs his things for the last time. If he really has that many ties, then there is no room for anything else in his suitcase, I'll tell you that much. I seriously wonder whether he could have worn all of those ties in the time they had available. Or in a single lifetime, actually. You know, my brother-in-law originally worked in a casual dress environment, and then he went to a place where he had to wear a tie every day, and for a long time, he did exactly that -- he wore a single tie, one tie, the same tie, every day. Until they made him get another one. So my BIL and Kwame are sort of the yin and the yang of tie-wearing. Hee. Anyway, Bill voices over that he and Kwame are going "mano y mano," which actually is the same mistake Kwame made last week, although Kwame said something more like "mano e mano." Bill speculates that he will do well in a "one-on-one scenario." As opposed to a "hand and hand" scenario, which is technically what "mano y mano" means, and which would require them to move the show to cable.
They gather their things and leave, with Bill saying "say goodbye to the loft" as they go. We linger on shots of S4, which really isn't all that worthy of lingering over, considering that it just looks like a lot of money was splattered on the walls to what is in some cases very strange effect. The anime room, for instance, still squicks me out, many weeks after I first saw it. I never did get used to the feeling that the cartoon characters who were competing on the show were being stalked by cartoon characters even larger and sillier than they were.
And now, the unmistakable Boardroom music, and the evening, and the lights, and the elevator doors opening. It is time, indeed, for the final Boardroom. Both Bill and Kwame thank and shake hands with the elevator guy as they go. Aw, hee -- always thank the staff. Robin invites the boys to have a seat on the lobby couch and wait. They do. She watches them slyly, wondering which is a better kisser. (Oh, she is too. And so are you.) Kwame tells Bill that he's glad it came down to him and someone he respects. "'Cause I can make peace with that, you know?" "Me, too," Bill says with a smile. Just then, the elevator doors open, and the six candidates who were on the teams over the last few days get off and walk into the Boardroom, leaving a concerned Bill and Kwame to stew on the couch.
In the Boardroom, the teams sit down at the table from which they have all already been dismissed. Trump starts by asking Team Kwame how they enjoyed the Taj Mahal. Assorama takes charge, saying that they loved it. And did Jessica do well, Trump wonders? Of course, Assorama assures him, she did a wonderful job. "Did you think Jessica was very beautiful?" Trump weirdly asks Assorama. "Yeah, she's a pretty girl," Assorama says in a very measured, slightly condescending way that clearly indicates she wouldn't go as far as "very beautiful." Because Jessica is not her, of course, so she can't be the utmost pinnacle of beauty. "Pretty, or beautiful?" Trump asks Assorama. "She's beautiful," George barks, which throws the entire room into hysterics. Oh, George, you hilarious old horndog. "Jessica was beautiful," Trump repeats when everyone regains their composure. "And you thought Kwame was...good? Okay? Great?" Heidi says that Kwame was good. She complains, though, that he "relied on Troy too much." Because of course, Kwame's failure to stroke Heidi's ego enough is going to come back to haunt him, as everyone should have known it would. Trump points out that there's nothing wrong with relying on Troy if Troy knows what he's doing. He asks her if she thinks Troy is better than Kwame. "No," she says flatly. And then she checks herself slightly, because her answer sounded more like "Hell, not at all, because Troy is a potato-head." She tries to get out of it by just saying Kwame did a good job, but Trump wants to know what she means when she says he relied on Troy too much. Heidi says that Troy and Kwame have this "bond." Which is true, but who cares? Why would that be bad? She has nothing. "What about Kwame?" Trump asks, looking over at Troy, "because I don't care about you; you've been fired." Troy laughs. "What about Kwame? Do you love Kwame?" HA! That's one of those things I almost can't believe really happened, but it did. "He does," Heidi says smugly as the rest of the folks chuckle. Carolyn laughs her scrunchy-face laugh that always makes me want to crack up. Apparently, the clever Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters were not the only ones to note the HoYay! going on between Kwame and Troy. Of course, I suspect that satellites picked up the HoYay! going on between Kwame and Troy. Old, decrepit satellites with failing reception, even.
"What about Bill?" Trump asks, turning to Bill's team. "How did he do?" Nick says he did well -- "He got it done." Katrina and Amy both offer that Bill did a "great job." He then turns to Carolyn for her take. She says that she thinks that overall, given the limitations under which he was operating, Bill's work was "exceptional." Katrina nods enthusiastically. Trump now asks George about Kwame, and George says that in his opinion, Kwame's work was "exceptional." Heh. Copycat. George sort of disses Carolyn's job somewhat by saying that celebrity golf tournaments are easy, because all you have to do is tell people where to be and they'll be there. Huh? I mean, that would be true if all you had to do was make people stand where they're supposed to stand, but Bill had a much bigger job than that. Carolyn says, "I disagree." George goes on to argue that with celebrities, if the celebrity changes the timing, you have to react and compensate and everything. Carolyn says she completely disagrees with that assessment.
George and Carolyn bicker back and forth a little bit until Trump calls a halt. "Enough of this," he says. "Let's talk about our golf tournament." He asks Team Bill whether Bill did anything wrong. Amy says that Bill has been totally awesome over all the tasks, and she felt that he was slightly less awesome in this one. She thinks he didn't "perform at his typical Bill performance." Her reason for this is, unsurprisingly, that she thinks Bill became too frazzled at the tournament. Trump counters that Bill actually looked "pretty cool" to him. "I think that he was not as calm, cool, and collected as he usually is," Amy repeats. Asked for his opinion, Nick cites "some areas of opportunity where he could have improved." Again, he cites remaining calm as something to work on. "He seemed a little ruffled at times," Nick says. He adds that once you've delegated something, you need to trust the people you've asked to take care of it. "You think he's got great potential?" Trump asks, and while Katrina nods emphatically, Nick says, "Oh, he's outstanding. He's a sharp, sharp guy. And I believe if I were you, I'd select him." I thought that was interesting, because I was momentarily thinking that Ex-Boyfriend Nick was going to try to sandbag Boyfriend Bill at the last minute. (Isn't Nick everyone's ex-boyfriend? Isn't that really the Nick issue, that every ex-boyfriend is exactly like Nick?)
George asks what exactly ruffled Bill. Nick says that it was the multitude of things coming at him all at once. George wants more detail. Nick cites the lost signs. Katrina cites Bill's "unbelievable potential," and talks about what a great candidate he is. She says he just needs "more confidence." Carolyn actually nods a little while Katrina is talking. That's a new pair of people to find in agreement.
Trump turns to Team Kwame for their full report. Assorama says that Kwame was "quite the opposite" of the way they're describing Bill. She says in her smooth, maddening way that if anything, Kwame was too laid-back, and too hands-off. She says they didn't see "intensity" when things went wrong, and she thinks they may have needed to see some. Trump asks Heidi if she thinks Kwame has "the intensity." She says yes, but she adds that she does "like to be micromanaged." In other words, yet again, "I fear being asked to actually be responsible for anything" is basically the point she's making. She's consistent, at least. Assorama tells the story of losing Jessica Simpson. "She just cut off all communication with us." Trump makes a face. Assorama complains that Kwame didn't do anything to deal with that situation. Trump asks the team if indeed Kwame is too laid-back. Troy insists that Kwame is laid-back, but he's prepared -- he has the whole formula for being a great manager. Carolyn says to the team that it sounds like they're saying that if they worked for Kwame, they'd actually rather see him a little more wound up at times, and they don't disagree.
George asks all of them if they've stopped to consider what they would do if they were in Trump's shoes, trying to hire someone for the job that Trump is looking to have done. "We're talking about somebody who has the ability to build into a long-term career." "Then that's Kwame, hands-down," Assorama says, as if she didn't spent the entire task cutting Kwame off at the knees. Trump cuts this inquiry short and just puts it this way -- who would they choose if they were Trump? All of Team Kwame says they'd choose Kwame. All of Team Bill says they'd choose Bill. "All right, get out of here. You haven't helped me at all," Trump snaps. Hee. Scram, losers! They get up and leave. Carolyn chuckles. The teams pass their fearless leaders in the lobby on the way into the elevator. The guys sit, drowning in their own tension like Cheerios in milk.
Trump says to George and Carolyn, "This is a tough decision," and then he asks Robin to send the fellas in. She does. They sit at the Boardroom table. Trump tells them again that they're both great and should be proud. "But only one of you is going to run one of my companies," he says. He cites the fact that their teams described them as having very different ways of operating. He asks Bill which he thinks is easier -- the concert, or the tournament. Bill says as frankly as he can that he thinks the concert is easier. Kwame is asked the same question, and he and Bill both laugh as he says that the golf tournament would be easier. Trump asks about intensity and drive. He tells Kwame that the team sometimes wondered if he had the intensity and drive that he needed to have. Kwame insists that he does. Not only does he say that he remains "calm, cool, and collected," but he says he doesn't "get ruffled easily." That's two precise vocabulary swipes from the discussion about Bill. Very interesting. It's like Kwame has a cheat sheet. "You know what they say," Kwame offers. "Still waters run deep." Kwame is asked whether anyone gave him any trouble on his team. He says yes. He says that Assorama was "difficult to manage." Trump says to Kwame by way of a diagnosis of the problem, "Didn't she want to be you?" Kwame agrees. They both believe that Assorama was all about getting the spotlight for herself. Trump says that he was pretty surprised that Kwame picked Assorama when he did. "You did pick her," Carolyn repeats. Kwame says that when he picked her, he felt that she was "the most qualified person." Meaning he saw Assorama as more qualified than Nick or Heidi. Meaning, by the way, that the order in which they chose made no difference, because if he thinks there are two people less qualified than Assorama, then he would have picked her anyway. Trump asks whether picking Assorama was a mistake, and as Bill nods vigorously (heh), Kwame hedges with, "In some ways yes, and in some ways no." I'd be fascinated to hear about the ways in which picking Assorama really worked out great for Kwame. ["He…didn't die?" -- Sars] At any rate, Carolyn says that picking Assorama was a very risky move at this late juncture in the game.
George tells Kwame that the team felt that the task required more hands-on management than Kwame offered. Shifting gears, Carolyn says that she thinks the golf tournament under Boyfriend Bill went very well, but she raises the issue of his team's observation that he seemed stressed out. Bill counters that he doesn't think he was ruffled. He's just "very intense." He goes back to his claim that he "blueprinted a plan" that covered everything, and it covered most of the things that could go wrong. Apparently, running down to the dumpster to look for a straying piece of foam core was in the "blueprinted" plan somewhere. You know...honestly, I wouldn't be surprised. It might be in a footnote, but it's probably there.
Trump repeats, returning to this point, that the team felt like he got flustered. Bill snorts it off. He insists that he operates in high-stress environments all the time. Flustered? It is to laugh! "I'm a perfectionist," he says. "Do you think you're better than Kwame?" Trump asks him, which I hate, because such a stupid question, and you really don't want to hire anybody who would answer it rather than calling it a stupid question. Bill says he has "different skills," but when he starts to explain what they are, Trump returns to, "Do you think you're better than Kwame?" Bill says that he thinks he'll be better for this particular job, yes. He cites his experience and the fact that he's proved himself already with his own business. He also says he has "desire," and says he's shown that off quite a bit as well. Trump also says Bill has a good track record, and Bill says yes, that's correct. Kwame counters that Bill's track record is only a couple of wins better than his, but Trump points out that in this context, that's a big difference.
Trump asks Kwame whether he thinks that over a thirty-year period, he'll be more successful than Bill. "I think it's gonna be neck and neck," Kwame says diplomatically. Asked the same question, Bill says he thinks he has a leg up, as a result of his experience and the fact that he has "entrepreneurial blood." Fortunately, he does say it's in his veins, as opposed to in the other locations where he might be keeping it, if you see what I'm saying. Bill compliments Kwame for working so hard to get this awesome education, but he maintains that having gone out on his own and started his own enterprise should count for more. Trump asks Kwame whether he thinks he'd do a better job for Trump than Bill would, and Kwame says yes. There is some more back and forth, culminating in Trump mentioning again what a great job Kwame gave up to be here. "I think you're both very outstanding; I have a very, very tough choice," Trump says. "Get the hell out of here." He tosses them into the lobby. It's not every guy who could combine "you're outstanding" and "get the hell out" in the same command. That never works when I'm trying to get someone to leave my office.
Out in the lobby, Bill and Kwame shake hands. They sit together on the yellow couch, and agree that they could use a little water. Heh. They agree that it went well, and that there are "no hard feelings." They shake hands again. Certainly is a lot of hand-shaking on this show.
Trump talks to the Viceroys about the choice he's facing. George says that he agrees that the choice is very difficult. His vote, however, would go to Kwame. He thinks that Kwame handled pressure very well in Atlantic City, and Kwame "can adapt" to being in the organization. In the end, he just thinks Kwame is a better "fit" for Trump. Carolyn says that she agrees with George that Kwame is outstanding...but she would go with Boyfriend Bill. She thinks Kwame is "textbook" and lacks experience. She thinks Bill would be the better fit, as a matter of fact. She also remains concerned that Kwame is "too laid-back" for the job. She also gives Bill extra points for how well he managed a staff of people who were not only unpaid but, in the case of Amy and Nick, just recently fired, and he handled them well. Disheartened by the disagreement, Trump tells Robin to send the guys back in.
Bill and Kwame walk back into the Boardroom. Trump seats them. He tells them that three months have passed, and they've both "gone through hell." He reminds them that they're the last men standing out of more than 200,000 applicants. Which is a record! Woo! Trump is the biggest ever! "I love you both," Trump says. Wow. I'm suddenly thinking this is going to turn into a really different kind of reality show all of a sudden. Trump turns to Kwame, however, saying, "A couple of things bother me." He says that Assorama flat-out lied to Kwame. Not once, but twice. "Why didn't you fire her?" Trump asks. Kwame says that he didn't even realize he had the option of firing her. He also, however, cites the job that needed to get done and the small group of people he had to do it. He simply didn't think he could divert her and manage her part of things himself. Trump asks him why, then, he didn't at least put Assorama on less important stuff -- "move her over to the side." Again, Kwame talks about the fact that Troy and Heidi were already busy, so he didn't think he could cover for her if he took her responsibilities from her. Trump says that he just didn't feel that Kwame took a tough enough stance on the Assorama issue when it arose, and that George and Carolyn agreed. "You should've fired her," Trump says.
Now, Trump turns to Bill. He tells him that the job he did at the golf course was, by all accounts, excellent. "You were a little nervous, a little crazy...but you got the job done." He congratulates Bill some more about how well the tournament went. "Kwame, I think you have an amazing future. You're a brilliant guy with a great education, and I have no doubt that you're going to be a big success. But for right now..." And he turns to Bill. "Bill, you're hired." Wild cheering erupts, as the Boardroom walls disappear to reveal the live audience that's waiting. Oh, and the Saturday Night Live band playing a version of the theme that sounds exactly like every transition to a commercial that SNL has ever provided. Bill and Kwame hug. Bill leans over and shakes Trump's hand, and then George and Carolyn's, and then he raises his arms in victory. There's more hugging, and loud music, and then we see Mike Ditka's restaurant, where the hometown crowd is cheering like crazy. We return to what is actually the SNL studio, where Trump, standing with a stunned-looking Bill, tells everybody to shut up. Heh. He says that there is still some business to take care of, and the first thing Bill has to do is choose between two possible jobs with Trump.
The first job is working on the construction of the Trump International Hotel and Tower now being built in Chicago. There will be 2,500 people working on it, and it will cost $700 million. Trump promises that this job will be "mind-boggling." I have a feeling Bill likes nothing better than having his mind boggled, so that would suit him very well. On the other hand, the other job is in California, working in management at Trump's new ginormous golf course. Trump bought this particular golf course after the eighteenth hole fell into the ocean. But he moved in a couple of million cubic yards of dirt, and now everything is fine, because it's "the most expensive golf course ever built." Of course, it's easy to make it expensive when you have to start by rebuilding a collapsed mountain. But this particular golf course will have expensive estates and so forth. In other words, it's just a different playground of the rich -- one that's built horizontally rather than vertically. It actually occurs to me that if there were real estate Transformers, you could make one where the Trump International Hotel and Tower folded out to become the Trump National Golf Club Los Angeles. The perfect toy for your budding tycoon, you know.
Trump tells Bill that he'll have a couple of minutes to think about it during the commercials. And after the commercials, we'll find out which job Bill is taking, and we'll also find out (again) about Nick, Amy, Sam, Assorama, and so forth. This brings out the rest of the candidates, all of whom are angling to suck up to Bill -- even Assorama, yuck. There is much sucking up as we go to commercial.
After the break, Trump recaps the options Bill has just been given for the big job. There is the skyscraper, and there is the golf course. Which will it be, Boyfriend Bill? Bill says that while California has great weather and the golf course would be great, Chicago is home and it's his favorite place to be, so he's taking the tower. "Don't worry," Trump says, "You're going to have plenty of supervision on that building. I don't care if you're president or not." Heh. It's so hard on a reality show when the truth oozes out. Trump tells Bill, however, that it's a great choice. He then looks at his new chosen guy, sitting with the rest of the contestants, and says, "What are you doing over there? I fired all those people. Get over here." Bill picks up his chair and goes to sit at the faux Boardroom table with Trump, Carolyn, and George. He is warmly applauded, including by Kwame, who has more class than anyone, ever, as far as I'm concerned. Job or no job, he's the bomb. Trump asks Bill how he feels, and Bill says it's a great place to be sitting right now, no question. Trump tells him it wasn't an easy decision, and takes the opportunity to go on about how much he digs Kwame. "That man right there is some man," he says. Everyone applauds, because everyone knows this is true. Trump congratulates Kwame, and seems to come as close as he can to saying it was practically a coin flip without actually saying so. Not surprising.
Trump now moves to the group of candidates to talk to them. He goes directly to Assorama, and calls her out for lying, and having gotten "caught on tape this time." Hee, "this time." How does she explain that? She has a cute line all planned, though, and she is determined to use it before she starts instead of answering the question. So she says something about all this firing her and rehiring her, and she laughs, and nobody else laughs, and Trump is already bored with her and thinks that if she doesn't want to answer the question he asked her, she can fuck right off, so he moves on to the person, which I found utterly hilarious and which catches her completely unprepared. She totally thinks she's going to go back now and explain the lying, and there is just no opportunity. HA! Also, the audience openly cheers when he tells her, basically, to shut up because her turn is over.
Trump asks Heidi what she thinks about all this, and she says she and Assorama should take a two-hour lunch and talk about it. And then she winks, which is how you can tell she thinks she's funny. It's certainly the only way you can tell anyone would think she's funny. Not that you can discern the wink all that easily underneath the forty pounds of eye shadow. Goodness.
Trump moves on to Ereka, and in case you're wondering whether he thinks Assorama is utterly full of shit, he tells Ereka that he thinks that she has "suffered" because of Assorama and the charges she's leveled. "Mr. Trump, I would have fired her," Ereka says. Ereka's face is unbelievably, blindingly shiny. I know it's not really about that right now, but still. STILL. "She's a liar, and I've known that for a long time," Ereka burbles simply. Trump makes a comment about hoping that everything turns out all right for her. He also tells Assorama she needs to "straighten out the truth," and Assorama is all, "Oh, we will," as if she has a leg to stand on, which? She doesn't.
Trump moves to Nick and Amy, whom he calls a "pathetic" romance. Certainly is getting blunt as we go on, isn't he? The pathetic lovebirds themselves confirm, as they have elsewhere, that they dated for a short time after the show, but it didn't last, wonder of wonders. Trump complains that it wasn't "hot" -- all we ever saw was a kiss. Amy says that's all there ever was, which I certainly think is a pile of crapola, but then, I'm just the recapper. What do I know? Trump tells Amy that this is "good virtue" on her part. Ew! Shut up, Trump. I mean, pardon me for snorting at the word "virtue," but seriously. Anyway, are the two of them together now? No, they confirm. Trump asks who broke it off, and Nick specifically passes it off to Amy, who says that they decided to remain "very close friends." "Yeah, I've had some very close friends," Trump says ruefully, and Nick laughs and says, "Yeah, me too." Trump continues, "It's cost me a lot of money." Everyone laughs. Because dirty old men, even when they're young, are just inherently funny, apparently.
"You know, there's a guy in the room named Troy," Trump says, "who everybody loves." He asks Troy what he has to say, and Troy just repeats how happy he was to have the chance to make his dream of meeting Trump come true. "It was an honor to meet you," he says, "and I'm coming back." Trump tells him that he can come back anytime. We see Troy's wife applauding in the audience. She looks nice, but kind of too old and too tall for Troy. I expected someone more wee and perky. And generally, this clip show is stupid, in case you haven't noticed. Don't worry; it's almost over.
Now, Trump calls out a salute to Carolyn and George. Trump calls Carolyn "Lady Di," which obviously embarrasses her, but she has no idea what to say, and she works for Donald Trump, so fortunately, she's used to her boss saying weird things to her. Trump tells us that both Carolyn and George are tough and smart, but "have big hearts." Aw. He thanks them some more. Thanks, Carolyn and George!
Trump says that they've got other business to deal with, and first up is Bill getting his new car -- a Chrysler Crossfire, which is parked outside. Nice little car, if you like your cars cute enough to smear their front bumpers with Bonne Bell Lip Smackers. Trump stares at the cue card as he tells us how awesome Chrysler was for being a sponsor. He thanks everyone like Steinbrenner who got involved before they knew the show would be so hot. Warm applause for the sponsors. ["Except there was totally this long pause while the audience was like, 'We have to applaud for…Steinbrenner? Yuck. Oh, all right.'" -- Sars] Trump promises a preview of the Apprentice. Yeah, right. I'm sure it will be quite a preview, considering casting isn't even finished.
After the commercial, we enter the obligatory Sam sequence, in which we see his weird handshake moment and such. We return to the live show, where Trump comments that Sam was "a piece of work." Trump asks Sam how he's doing, and Sam says that he has a proposition for Trump. He says that Trump is paying Bill $250,000 to work for him -- well, Sam has a suitcase full of money, and he's willing to pay Trump $250,000 to work for him. Trump doesn't blow him off at all, but instead demands that Sam come over and hand over the cash. Which he does. Trump promises to consider it, provided it turns out to be real money. Heh. It's funny, because I wouldn't put it past Sam to offer Trump $250,000 for a job, but I also wouldn't put it past Sam to have a thriving counterfeit operation in his basement, powered by hamsters on wheels. And the hamsters would survive on a new kind of protein pellet that Sam invented himself.
Trump goes to Heidi to ask about her mom. Happily, her mom is fine, and is there in the audience. And happily for Mom, Mom didn't apparently teach Heidi about eye shadow. Or perhaps that particular bit of bad luck skipped a generation.
Trump points out that Tammy is going to have a baby, but once the applause is over, when she tries to say, "My husband and I --" Trump cuts her off by going to Jason. Golly. Ten seconds to a customer, I guess. No talking, chumps! You're still fired! Jason confirms that he's doing fine in Detroit real estate. "He's able to collect his rent, finally," David snots, and he obviously thinks that's funny, although I honestly couldn't tell you why. Trump comments that he hears all the candidates have gotten job offers, and they all confirm that they have.
Trump goes back to Bill. He will start with the Trump organization "soon, like maybe tomorrow," but for now, it's time to go claim his car. Bill shakes Trump's hand, then he turns to Carolyn and shakes her hand. Then he gets up and walks off, and he first neglects to stop for George, and when he realizes it, he bolts back and apologizes, shaking George's hand as well. Bill does his victory arm-raise one more time as the audience cheers him. Trump looks smug. And why not, really?
There's a tease for the all-new Apprentice in the fall, but honestly? There is nothing to it. It says people will come and kinda do the same thing, only more so. You didn't miss anything.
Trump congratulates Bill again. He says that it's been "incredible" for everyone. Good luck to all, and to all a good night!
Bill gets into his car and scampers off. Aw. Congratulations, Boyfriend Bill. I never doubted you for a minute.