Previously on This Show According To Assorama: Assorama sold more water than anyone, even though forces outside her control (which may have included intervention by space aliens) prevented her from selling it any way other than one case at a time. Something kind of happened to Heidi's mother that related to her insides or something, but it totally wasn't that important compared to certain other events going on at the same time, if you get my drift. In particular, the Statue of Liberty fell on Assorama's head, and in spite of the fact that she qualified for millions and millions and millions of dollars in compensation, she continued working, much like the heroes of ancient storytelling who ignored their traumatic drywall injuries to build the Pyramids of Egypt. Ereka lost track of the paperwork at VersaCorp, which never would have happened if Assorama had been the PM, or had been on that team, or preferably had been on both teams and been PM of both teams. VersaCorp went to the Boardroom with Ereka, Nick, and Bill taking the trip to the final table, although none of them could concentrate on anything except how inferior they were to Assorama and how much they feared the righteous victory she would undoubtedly walk away with in a matter of a couple of short weeks. Bill and Nick both blamed Ereka for the defeat, and Trump was irritated that Ereka didn't bring her best friend "Kat" to the Boardroom with her, since he doesn't like "Kat," unlike Assorama, whom he loves and respects and quite possibly wants to make his wife. Ereka was fired, which was totally justified if for no other reason that that she was mean to Assorama one time. Who will be fired this week? Definitely not you-know-who!
Credits. Oh, Assorama. You don't even deserve such a nifty theme song playing over your picture.
S4. Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch. Katrina explains to the group what happened in the Boardroom. "I supported Ereka against the guys, and the guys then turned on us," she says. Wow, revisionist history usually takes at least a little bit longer than that to be written. It usually takes longer than that to be typed. "So it was guys versus girls," Kwame says, and Katrina nods. Interestingly, she doesn't mention the part where Trump made it plain that his biggest problem with Ereka was her failure to take Katrina to the final table, or the part where Katrina figured out that she was one big piece of burnt toast where Trump was concerned. The Oracle of Heidi returns yet again, saying, "I really don't think it'll be Ereka." Katrina agrees, even though she should know by now that having your continuing vitality bet upon by the O of H means that your remaining hours can be measured with a very teeny stopwatch. Katrina agrees that she "really really really [doesn't] think" that it would be Ereka who would be fired. Really! Really really!
In the hall, as Bill and Nick approach the suite, Nick comments to Boyfriend Bill that it was a bad move, what Ereka did -- she should have taken him and Katrina rather than involving Bill. Inside the suite, Katrina is still whining that Ereka wasn't given enough credit by the guys for doing such a great job losing the paperwork and convincing people that in trying to sell them water, she was only looking out for herself in an effort to create "buzz." The door swings open, and here come Bill and Nick. The person who greets Bill and Nick first is a squealing Assorama, who gives a high screech and then gets very sarcastic, going, "Where did she go? She's gone!" From its perch on the couch with a beer and a bag of pretzels, Karma shrugs, like, "Well, fuck with me if you want to, you'll see how it works out." Katrina looks at Amy with utter horror and dismay that Ereka was booted. HA! Ahem, sorry. What I meant to say was that I totally feel for her. Behind her, Kwame smiles at Troy, but he'd rather no one noticed, because he's not saying anything, he's juuuuuust sittin' there.
Katrina, this entire time, has a truly brilliant look on her face. It's the one you haven't seen since the prom, when that one girl found out that her boyfriend had given a tissue to this girl she hates who was crying, and she set her mouth about a half-inch open and jutted out her lower jaw. It is a look that says one thing, and one thing alone: "Oh. My. God." Complete with very pronounced pauses and, at the end, a very indignant application of lip gloss. Troy, on the other hand, happily greets the fellas. "Gentlemen!" he says. I think he really misses Ereka. Assorama gets in on the action, too, even managing to give Boyfriend Bill a hug. Now how is that justice? Katrina just sits in her little plastic chair, hating all the meanies and unable to cope. Katrina interviews that Assorama is probably happy that Ereka's gone, and it's just so unfair, because "[Assorama] should be the one gone, not Ereka." Even though, of course, Assorama's team didn't lose. But still! Anyway, there is more hugging in the suite. Katrina watches it all very coldly, with arms crossed. Heidi asks Boyfriend Bill how the whole thing was, and he calls it "not pleasant." He points out that Ereka wouldn't shake hands when it was all over. Kwame says, in exactly the right tone, "Ohh, that's not good." "That's bad," Troy puts in. And it is, of course, very bad. Katrina interviews -- and this interview is so sad that I can barely hear it over the sound of myself cackling -- that Ereka was someone she really liked. "I believed in what she stood for." Totally. You know what they say..."First, they came for the belly buttons"...it's all about integrity, y'all. Without Ereka, Katrina says that it's all about the game and the job. Aw. I think she's lost her sense of purpose. I think it will take a very tiny skirt to help her find it again.
In one of the bedrooms, Katrina tells Bill and Nick that she begged and pleaded with Ereka to take her to the final table. Which I do not believe for a minute. What a load of hooey. If she had genuinely suggested that Ereka take her, that's what Ereka would have done. ["I'm willing to bet that Katrina did suggest it, once, Ereka nixed it because they were friends, and that was the end of that." -- Sars] Nick says, "If she would have taken you in, I would have been fired." Well, I think that if she would have taken Katrina, Katrina might have been fired, but I agree that Ereka might well have saved herself. Nick then has another beef to bring up: "I'm a little annoyed she didn't shake Bill's hand. Me? I don't care. But Bill's a nice guy." Hey, he said it, not me. Actually, I have to ask about one other detail. They're drinking Sam Adams, right? I hate to admit it, but I feel like I recognize those as bottles of Sam Adams, even though all you can ever see is the neck. I'm not sure the fact that I can pick that out can reasonably be filed under "Good News."
The morning, the subways of New York continue taking people to their non-Trump-oriented jobs, because surprisingly enough, parts of New York still have practically nothing to do with him. I would also say that some drinking was done the night before, considering what looks to me like a demolished vodka bottle and a demolished cranberry juice bottle in the foreground as Kwame answers the silver phone. (In boxers! Every show needs a signature accessory, and I think Kwame's boxers should be nominated.) Robin tells Kwame that they need to meet Trump at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in one hour. As he hangs up, the camera caresses Kwame's thigh. I'm not endorsing it; I'm just reporting what was done.
We move to the lovely Met, where Trump is waiting as the candidates approach. He tells them that the first thing they're going to do is even out the teams, so VersaCorp gets to pluck somebody. Their PM is Nick, so he'll be making the call. He chooses Amy, and she makes her big scrunchy happy face of getting away from Assorama and heads over toward VersaCorp. Trump, however, is not so impressed with the way they're all batting Amy back and forth like she's a ball of yarn and they've all had a little too much catnip. (I think I would have taken Troy, actually, on the merits, but it's obvious that Amy is the inevitable pick socially.) Trump says that he thinks the way they're treating Amy is giving her "a little too much power," and Boyfriend Bill nods as if perhaps picking Amy wouldn't have been his choice either. Trump says he would not have chosen Amy, and wonders aloud if they're all trying to tell him that he should just give her the job now. Katrina seethes, because now she is not only not the prettiest, she isn't even the coolest and she doesn't have any friends and the boys shipped in another girl and now how is she supposed to be special? I still feel really bad for her. HA HA HA! Just kidding. I actually don't. What really is awesome is that they cut back to Amy as Trump says he thinks it was a mistake to pick her, and you can actually see her gulp. She's totally unsure of what to make of this, and she does it very obviously: "[Gulp.]"
Now, on to the task. Trump says that behind him is "one of the great institutions of the world." That would be the museum, and not George or Carolyn, who are also behind him. He explains that the teams will be given a choice among a group of young artists to work with. They'll set up the person's work at a gallery, and whoever sells more, money-wise, will win the task. Oh, and George and Carolyn will be watching, so don't try anything funny. Not that the Met really inspires hijinks, so much. Trump points out that this task has an added level of difficulty, because art is so subjective. Unlike bottled water, which is either wet or not. Having delivered all of his available pearls of wisdom, Trump walks off.
Kwame voices over that he was nominated the night for PM, and he knew when he heard about the challenge that it would be tough because of the subjectivity factor. I have no idea why, by the way, but this was the week that the Kwame Hotness Factor came screaming out of my TV and throttled me by the neck. In this interview where he's got the jacket and the glasses and the...I mean, yipes. Just saying.
Protégé's first visit is to an artist who introduces himself to the four of them as "Giles." What's awesome is that in an interview just after this, Assorama refers to him as "Giles" with a hard "G" -- basically, "guiles," which is not how his name is pronounced, or how practically anyone with that name pronounces it. Isaac Mizrahi is at home, going, "Well, I guess I was smart not to take that personally." Also, note that this is the first appearance of the weirdest interview ever, a stand-up that Assorama does to a giant window, in which she is wearing a black skirt, a white sleeveless top, and a pink scarf around her neck and thrown back behind her. She looks like Executive Robot Barbie. Anyway, she says that when they went to see "Guiles," she thought "quintessential New York artist who puts splatter against the wall and calls it art." I'm sure the New York artists out there really appreciate your input, chickadee. She says, though, that he "had a different edge." Apparently, Giles likes to put some of his DNA on every painting, so there's hair from the sink in some of the paintings, for instance, and toenail clippings. For some reason, although you would think this would be a ripe opportunity for comedy, the only thing that is occurring to me at this point is some kind of very Catskills-ish "throwing yourself into your work" joke, which really seems to be unworthy of the situation. There's hair...from the sink...in the painting...yeah, I have nothing. Well, not until this thing happens. Assorama caresses something stuck to one of the paintings. "What is this clear [thing]?" she asks, with her eyes and nose about an inch from the crusted-over canvas. Cut to Heidi, smirking, then rolling her eyes. Assorama tells Giles that after ten minutes, she feels they've "connected." I think she's about to propose. For some reason, there's a discussion about touching his work that leads Assorama to think it's okay to pet his arm like he's a stuffed puppy, which...no. Again with the Heidi eye-rolling, which again I sympathize with. Just another one of those Vulcan mind-melds Heidi and I are always having, I guess. Heidi interviews that she would never choose to work with Assorama in the real world, because their styles simply don't agree with each other. Moreover, when she sees Assorama's style -- and I am quoting here -- Heidi is "like, oh my God." Can I say "word" to Heidi? I'm not sure I can. I think I might break something. Like the space-time continuum.
VersaCorp has decided to start out splitting Bill and Amy from Katrina and Nick. Why would they pair Katrina and Nick after last week? Ugh. Now Nick will bomb with the powerful art distributors, and they won't want a pallet of art, and...I see disaster coming. Anyway, Nick and Katrina go to visit a guy who turns out to Andrei, another one of the artists. Katrina says that she really felt strongly about his stuff. I have to say, purely subjectively, that I too love Andrei's paintings, and would totally buy one. I mean, if I had a lot more money than I actually do. He calls himself a "nature-based abstract painter," and...I actually get that! His paintings sort of feel like the woods without depicting the woods in any literal sense. I feel so smart. Nick interviews that they also just liked Andrei and liked his attitude, and Nick liked the fact that Andrei was able to explain the art to them in a way that Nick, not a notorious art lover except in the "I kind of dig those miniature Japanese gardens you can get for your executive suite" kind of way, could understand.
Elsewhere, Bill and Amy meet with an artist named Leah. What Leah does is paint "snapshots of her life," as Bill explains it. They're mostly small pieces that look a lot like cartoonized photographs, and although that sounds like it would be stupid, they're mostly fairly pleasant little pieces. I'm not sure exactly what to say about Leah, except that she's perky and her stuff isn't as weird as what we're about to see.
And now, Protégé meets with Meghan. Meghan is a blonde with glasses whose living room features a big deer head. Or something similar. Heidi interviews that she was very excited on walking into Meghan's apartment, because the apartment was so swell. A great apartment! Meghan seems so nifty! Of course, "[s]he seemed a little creepy," Heidi allows. You're about to learn about Heidi's restrained use of the phrase "a little," among other things. Back in the apartment, Meghan explains that she's currently at work on "a series called Psyche and Smut," and she goes on to explain that it's about two sisters by those names. One is bad and one is good. Oh, and the city is "ruled by frogs and their concubines." So it's like those old "Goofus and Gallant" cartoons in Highlights magazine, except that instead of being about etiquette, it's about mescaline. Troy tries to explain Meghan thusly: "She has a looooot of different genres, and has this weeeeird kinda theme goin' on." I think it's safe to say that strings of vowels are generally required for any discussion of Meghan's work, because indeed, it's a liiiiiittle unusual. Troy goes on to say that although the customers may or may not be into her, Meghan's stuff goes for about $4000 per painting, which is more than twice as much as the other folks they've been seeing, so she seems like a good investment, if nothing else. I'm not sure how the prices are determined -- I mean, I could tell you the price of my bathroom rug is $5000, but that doesn't necessarily mean anybody's going to buy it. (Incidentally, it's not that expensive -- I could be brought down from that figure somewhat, if you don't expect to also get the shower curtain with the duckies on it.) So in short, I don't know if Meghan actually sells stuff for those prices, or if that's a self-determined measurement, if you see what I'm saying. Kwame interviews that what they dug about Meghan was that her work was risky and kind of out there, but it was high-end stuff, so if they could sell three or four, Kwame was pretty sure they'd win. She also shows them what look to me like Star Wars figurines in bottles that she claims go for $7000, which again shows you what I know about art. Or which, possibly, shows you that Star Wars figurines are undervalued.
Back from commercials, the motto of the week is "You've Gotta Believe," as Trump explains that you can only sell things you believe in -- "if you don't really believe in it yourself, it'll never work." Hmm, that seems rather ominous for the people with the frogs and concubines, doesn't it? Protégé meets at a little restaurant to talk over their decision. Kwame says that they have it narrowed down to Meghan and Leah. Kwame says that while Meghan is "weird as hell," he thinks she "has her shit together," and he thinks that if she can get the turnout she says she'll get, they'll do well. Otherwise, he acknowledges that they'll be "at zero." Yeah, I don't think there's any such thing as a being a little bit into Meghan. He interviews that he didn't come to be practical in all ways -- he came to take risks. By the way, here's Assorama's comment to Kwame: "You're absolutely right. We'd be taking a calculated risk." She does go on to say that she has concerns about Meghan and would prefer to go with Leah. She keeps stressing, by the way, that for the moment, she's coming at this from an artistic perspective. I guess she's some kind of art expert, although I'm not sure I saw that on her résumé. Heidi interviews that she doesn't think you can look at it as an art task, and you need to look at it as a business task. She doesn't think Trump "gives a rat's ass about the art," he just wants to see who makes money, and I think that's true, as far as it goes. Anyway, back at the discussion, Assorama says that she's been speaking as the art expert, and now she's going to flip and talk business. "Meghan's the only one who's going to drive the numbers that we need to win," she says. So just keep in mind that later, because when she claims that she fought tooth and nail for Leah? That's absolute nonsense. She interviews, however, that Kwame wanted to take a risk, and she felt this was "just not the task to do it." Then why did she say only Meghan could drive the numbers they needed to win? Because she's a big liar, that's why. Anyway, back at the table, Kwame pushes the notion that art is about risk, and he says that they're going with Meghan. Assorama comments, "I'm going to sell the frog smoking opium." Heh.
The members of VersaCorp consult amongst themselves via Space Communicator. Nick and Katrina feel really strongly about Andrei; Bill and Amy feel equally strongly about Leah. Because they're essentially in a stalemate, Nick makes "an executive decision" to go with Andrei, which is probably all he can really do. If you're not going to get consensus and you can't vote, then somebody has to just decide, and I think he did it in a reasonable way. Plus, I agree with him, because I like a vague sense of the forest better than a keen sense of a kid blowing out birthday candles. Bill interviews that Nick made the decision, and they stuck with it. Amy says again that she has a "pit in [her] stomach," and she really needs to straighten out all those prepositions and notice that that's not the expression; the expression is that you have a "feeling in the pit of your stomach," not a "pit in your stomach," which is what happens if you swallow a peach without chewing. But who am I to argue?
Assorama leaves Trump Tower the day with Heidi. Assorama, of course, is wearing a beret, because it's an art task! Get it? Bonjour, Francophiles! Assorama explains that Kwame and Troy went to hand out invitations to the gallery while she and Heidi worked with the artist. We see them inside with Meghan, unpacking her stuff for the show. "Heidi, it's George!" Assorama says happily, as a casually dressed George walks around at the gallery. George asks how they selected Meghan, and Assorama cites Meghan's "extensive following." In a really cool and casual sidewalk interview with George, of the kind I wish they'd show a lot more, George says that art is a business, but it's very subjective, and their choice to take a "provocative" artist is "really a gamble, one way or the other." He seems, at this point, to respect the risk that they chose to take, which I think is cool. Inside, Heidi asks Meghan to explain two faces with blood dripping down, and Meghan explains how it's about harnessing your inner evil forces, basically, which I really think Heidi has already mastered. There's a totally brilliant pause right after Meghan tells Heidi that becoming more evil will make her stronger, and then Heidi looks up at Meghan and says, "…Okay." Heidi talks in an interview about how she asked Meghan about the art so that she'd know something about it before she sold it. I'm not sure she asked enough questions. She then tells Assorama that she had nightmares last night as a result of the art, but interviews that she's going to sell it and learn to like it. Hmm.
Heidi and Assorama leave the gallery, and Assorama says, "My head is killing me; I've got to eat something." Oh, good Lord, not this again. Not only that, but she insists that she cannot wait twenty minutes. She must stop and eat right this minute. Now! Where is her personal staff? Madame's tray, Mrs. Pendergast! As Assorama takes a call on the Space Communicator from Kwame, Heidi points out that they can stop and get a sandwich, but they can't "sit down for two hours." Assorama says she does indeed want to sit down. "I can't run like this with a concussion." Does she think we're stupid? Concussions that are serious will make you, like, lose consciousness for a period of time. Does she forget that we actually saw her take this famous blow to the head? And that she went, "Eek!" in surprise, and then patted her head, smiled, and went on with the conversation? She didn't even react to it, hardly. There is no way she had a serious head injury from that. Maybe I need to explain to her the medium of television, and the concept of instant replays, and the way that the brain is capable of discerning visual cues and processing them into meaningful information that taps on the brain and spells out S-H-E I-S F-U-L-L O-F I-T in Morse code. Heidi points out in an interview that Assorama only has headaches during tasks -- never during rewards. "She's an absolute lunatic bitch," Heidi says, and...you know I don't care for Heidi, but "absolute lunatic bitch" is going in my permanent file of great lines, that's for sure. You never know when I might need it.
As Assorama bitches on the phone to Kwame about how she needs to stop and eat, he tells her that they need to work it out between them, and Troy pantomimes a swoon against a tree (which of course Assorama cannot see). Hee, funny. Oh, Troy. Assorama and Heidi continue fighting about who's being rude and how Assorama always needs to sit down and blah dee blah. They bitch back and forth, "childish," "check yourself," "I could give two shits about you," and so forth. "Heidi has a trash mouth," Assorama says. Boy, that's a fact. "And I just was not going to be on the receiving end of it." Actually, for Heidi, that wasn't all that much swearing. I'm just saying. ["Man, God help Assorama at a TWoP staff meeting, is what I'm just saying. I work bluer than Heidi in my sleep. What a princess." -- Sars] In the Pink Scarf Interview, Assorama says, "She needs to clean up her act and shut her mouth." Oh, aren't we sophisticated. She's crazy. Back on the sidewalk, she and Heidi bitch some more at each other as Assorama finally hangs up the Space Communicator. The stunned Troy and Kwame just laugh. "My head, I wanna eat," Kwame laughs. "Dude, it's my head," Troy offers in a mocking tone. "And if I don't get some catered service pretty quick, I'm calling the president!" Boy, that right there is the non-Boardroom line of the week. Troy then interviews that Heidi and Assorama just don't get along, and they're "never gonna change." "Heidi doesn't gel with [Assorama], and [Assorama] just doesn't want to put forth the effort," he says. Oooh, so that's an interesting diagnosis from Troy. I don't think the Princess of Ass is selling him on the "trouper" routine so much. But Troy really doesn't seem happy with either of them: "It keeps the team on an emotional roller coaster," he says.
After commercials, we return for the gallery evening. Three guys on motorcycles are seen driving around a corner, but I don't think they have anything to do with anything, unless they're part of Meghan's dark security forces, in which case I'd expect to see them dripping more blood. At VersaCorp, they're going over the plan. Bill and Amy are greeting and handling the food and beverage in the early part of the evening, and it seems like Nick and Katrina will be doing more of the sales. Bill interviews that the number of people who are actually going to lay down major money on art is limited to begin with. I am not in favor, by the way, of Bill's interview outfit, in that it includes jeans and black loafers with no socks. Yuck. I don't really get into the ankle porn, but thanks. As he and Nick wait outside the gallery, Nick starts to get nervous about the fact that no one's there, and Bill reassures him that the first hour is always slow. Nick asks if he should change his gray shirt for a black one. Heh. Boyfriend Bill tells him no, it doesn't matter. In an interview that I think is actually really old, Nick says that even when things are bad, the team leader has to always stay positive, lest you lose the troops.
At 7:30, Bill is working on a sale. He tells someone that among other things, the artist will hang and light the artwork for her if she buys it. He takes this nice woman around and shows her some of the work. He sells her a really nice one with a lot of blue in it that I have to say would look nifty in my living room. He shakes on the deal with the lady. Katrina interviews that once Bill made that first sale, she knew they were going to do great. She herself, of course, reverts to flirting with a guy in the gallery, twittering that he should buy her one of the paintings and so forth. If I hadn't seen her crank the twitter on so many occasions before, it might be a little easier to forgive I this one. (And yes, "Crank the Twitter" would make an excellent band name, a fine British sitcom, or a useful addition to any woman's vocabulary.) Nick and Amy are also working over various potential customers. Nick and Andrei are obviously very upbeat about how the evening is going. In that same old interview, Nick says that he thinks the whole competition isn't about marketing or background or whatever, it's about "leading people." It's a nice thought. And wrong. The thing is that Nick is a pretty good leader, but he's a terrible follower, so unless you want to start him at the very top of your organization, he's just a bad bet, in my opinion.
Over at Protégé's gallery, Carolyn surveys the decimated tray of nibbles. Assorama claims that everything at the gallery "fell into place" and she feels confident. As the camera carefully points out, though, somebody really needs to clean up the food and drink table, because it looks like somebody's dirty kitchen after a party. There's fruit everywhere, dirty glasses...there is work not being done, I'm saying. Troy tries to sell a painting like this: "Again, her thought process is far beyond my comprehension. Just the little indoendoes [what is that, all of a sudden?], the snake in the grass over there, the skull...I mean, she is amazing." The guy looks around like, "Is there more to this, or is this the whole painting?" Troy interviews that art is indeed his "Achilles heel," because he knows bubkes about it. And, in this case, he can't fake it, unlike with water from Poland. He then explains to several guys that one of the paintings stands for the dichotomy that guys want a virgin outside the bedroom and a whore inside. And Troy took some crap for saying that this week, but it doesn't mean he or Meghan would be endorsing the concept, just pointing it out. And he's hardly be the first person to suggest such a notion exists.
Assorama gives a phony, very pageant-y interview in which she chuckles over how Troy and Heidi don't understand art, and they "have no appreciation of this particular genre." I don't think anybody understands this genre, if we're talking about the "Photoshop frogs and concubines" genre, actually, so...shut up. We then see Heidi giving what I will agree is a pretty lackluster explanation of the art, which...I mean, as Trump said, it's hard to sell people something you dislike. Heidi then takes the woman over to one piece that's based around a cast-iron thingamabob that Heidi describes as a "toilet tank." When you pull the chain, it reveals a picture. The woman asks if that means it's supposed to go over a toilet, and Heidi laughs. Oh, silly lady! Of course not! How can she not "get" what you're supposed to do with toilet tank art? Heidi interviews that art is "subjective, it's how you see it." There's a brilliant cut, and we see Meghan explain the same piece, pointing out that it is in fact a "cast-iron fireplace cover." Oh. Well, then. Heidi interviews that "so [she] made a mistake...it looked like a damn toilet bowl to [her]." Could've asked, I guess, but why risk looking silly when you can just say it's made out of a toilet? Back in the gallery, she tells someone it looked like a toilet seat. So apparently, she's not sure what part of the toilet it looked like, but it looked very toilet-y to her.
Troy and Heidi meet up and talk about how hard it is, and the fact that neither of them has sold anything. Troy interviews that the gallery owner, Madalyn, made a very apt comment, which is that they're all business types, and Meghan is an artist, and they're in a gallery, and "there needs to be some more communication." I'm not actually sure that would have helped, but hey, Madalyn is doing her best. Kwame interviews at the gallery that they still have a couple of hours, and he's hoping that they'll be able to sell some big pieces.
Assorama walks around with one particular lady, bragging in the Pink Scarf Interview that she did it the right way, which is to wait for someone to express interest, and then try to sell it to them. We see her explain the great value of a little bitty picture that's called "The Hollowed Pussy." It's a picture of a cat. Oh, how droll. I have to say, that's the kind of too-cool-for-school cutesy crap that makes me want to just cover my apartment with generic landscapes just to piss Meghan off. "Hollowed Pussy," indeed. She tells the lady that it might be "an undead kitty." Assorama sells it to the lady for $869, an amount that would have paid for a whole vacation, so whatever, undead-cat-buying lady. Kwame says after the sale that he really hopes they can sell something else, because he doesn't think $869 is going to cut it.
After some more commercials, we return, and it's time to find out who won. Everyone files into the Boardroom. Trump joins them. First, Trump wants to ask some questions. Who picked the artists? Nick says that the team was divided, so he made the call to go with Andrei. The members of VersaCorp -- including Amy and Bill, who originally wanted Leah -- all chime in about how much they liked Andrei. Kwame says that Protégé, on the other hand, chose to go with a "high-risk artist." Troy basically says that his basis for the decision was that because they didn't know much about art, they'd go with the person whose stuff cost the most. Asked whether he was happy with the choice, Kwame admits that they never really liked Meghan's work, but they felt that she had an available client base that they could tap into. Carolyn announces that VersaCorp sold $13,600 worth of art -- eight pieces. Protégé, on the other hand, sold one piece for $869. Wow. Now that is a trouncing. "That's getting creamed," as Trump puts it. Trump points out that VersaCorp picked something they really loved and were into, and they did well. Protégé tried to sell something they didn't like, and they bombed. It's interesting, indeed. ["Not as closely correlated as Trump keeps claiming, though, in my opinion. I wish we'd seen more of this alleged client base, and why it wasn't exploited better." -- Sars] Now, Trump announces the reward, which is that the PM, Nick, gets ten minutes of face time with Trump. Wow, is that it? The rewards certainly do get worse and worse. "You know, a lot of people would like that opportunity," Trump says. And then he tells Protégé that they'll just have to come to the Boardroom and get somebody's ass fired.
Nick later arrives at the Trumpartment for his one-on-one time. He interviews that he knew he needed the win, or he was likely to be fired, given some of the recent events. Trump ushers Nick into the Trumpartment, and Nick comments on how beautiful it is, because he is blinded by all the gold. GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! Everywhere, there is gold. Nick says that he took the opportunity to ask Trump what he's looking for in a young executive. Trump says that "assuming the brain" (never safe), he's looking for "energy." He tells Nick that Nick has obviously got a lot of energy himself. Nick then asks for the tour, and Trump gives it to him. As they walk, he asks Trump if there's a mentor that he particularly learned from. Unsurprisingly, Trump mentions his father. (That would be his father, Fred Trump, married to his mother, Mary Trump. Thanks, Sam! At least your studying had some value to someone.) Trump then shows Nick pictures of Mary and Fred. In the pictures, Mary is old, but Fred is in his prime. Somewhere, a Sigmund Freud type leans back in his wing chair and says, "Ah, I zeee." Nick interviews that Trump stressed the importance of a "support system" and a "close family." He claims that he has "a connection" with Trump. They're engaged, I guess. Trump tells Nick to "just keep it going." He also makes a very interesting comment, which is, "Even when in theory, you weren't doing well, I thought you were doing well." I think that Trump is really at the point where he's not judging people on individual events anymore. He's looking for what he's looking for, and he's getting rid of people who are not it. They shake hands. I do think Trump likes Nick a lot. I think he sees "cocky bastard" and thinks, "Ah, that I can relate to so much more easily than 'oversensitive crybaby.'"
That night, Manhattan has many lights. And also buses. Heidi calls her mom, and apparently Mom tells her that it's going to take some treatment (apparently in addition to the surgery) to treat Mom's cancer. She interviews that Mom is doing well, and on the phone, she double-checks that Mom is with the best doctor. It's basically another reminder of how Heidi just wants to be awesome on behalf of her mother, which...I mean, if it changed her outlook permanently and made her less unpleasant to people, that would be great, although...I doubt it. And when I say I doubt it? I'm saying I doubt it. She interviews that she knows Kwame will take her to the Boardroom, and she's ready for it.
In S4, Assorama has a chat with Bill -- who, along with Amy, seems to be able to get along with her reasonably well, judging by what we've seen. She prattles to Boyfriend Bill about how Troy was worthless on the task, and didn't do anything except carry booze and clean the floor. It's more than Assorama has done on several of the tasks, but it's not like that's going to slow down the train of self-righteousness at this point. She interviews that she doesn't know Troy did anything that "leads to a victory." Unlike making $869 in sales, which totally was critical. Keep in mind as she preens for the rest of the episode that if everyone had done as well as Assorama did, the team wouldn't have lost by $10,000 or so. It's not like she carried her cash haul home in a convoy of six armored cars. In the Pink Scarf interview, she simply states that Kwame will not take her to the Boardroom, because she was the "artistic advisor" and did a bunch of other stuff. Yeah. She was the "artistic advisor" who told him that business-wise, Meghan's stuff was the only stuff that would bring them the money they needed to win. Why wouldn't he take her? It's goofy. She imagines in her own mind, and speaks as if it were fact, the notion that Kwame ignored her advice and went with Troy and Heidi. She's just delusional in a way I'm beginning to find kind of creepy.
In the kitchen, Heidi shrugs to Katrina and Nick that she's always taken to the final table "by default." Or, you know, because of the quality of her work, but why quibble? She says that if she were the PM, she'd have to nominate herself! Rimshot! She cackles at herself. Oh, so funny. Not. Assorama says that for the good of the team (roll your eyes with me one more time, folks), she wants Heidi to go. "Besides, I'm tired of hearing her say that she'd rather sell Tampax than artwork." That comment, while typically vulgar in a very Heidi-like way I'm not crazy about, does oddly make me chuckle, in part just because I love the idea that Heidi said it to Assorama during one of her art appreciation lessons. "This is an impressionist painting." "I'd rather sell Tampax." Hee. As if that weren't enough, Assorama says that Heidi is just proving Assorama's "theory that [Heidi] is the least classiest person." But fortunately not the leastest grammatically correctest. Assorama tells Bill, "Kwame could take me, but if he doesn't, I'm going to have to...eat my brutha up." Bill laughs, which I'm sure Assorama mistakenly believes is with her rather than at her, because that's the kind of perceptive girl that she is. She interviews that Kwame will now assess everyone's role, and she hopes he doesn't choose her, because she is "ready to go into that Boardroom fighting." Or, you know, weeping uncontrollably.
After the commercials, the moon emerges, and we know that it is Boardroom night. Protégé walks into the Boardroom. Trump joins them. "Well, we've had some disasters, but this is the worst," he says. He recounts the magnitude of the defeat. He asks Kwame what happened. "We basically made a calculated risk that did not pay off." Kwame says, pretty much, that Meghan was weird, but she gave the impression of salability. Trump commends Assorama for being the only one who wanted Leah, although Trump apparently doesn't know that Assorama supported taking Meghan as a business decision. Assorama smiles. Heidi comically rolls her eyes. I still don't like her, but I will admit to being occasionally glad she's there to look disgusted when I feel disgusted. Trump tells a long story about some businessman who bought a bunch of stuff and watched it go up in value, and uses it to demonstrate -- again -- that you only should buy stuff you yourself actually like. His stories are kind of like that -- he tells a story about a guy who got in trouble for buying too many shoes, and the lesson is, "Don't buy too many shoes." There doesn't tend to be a lot of subtlety to the metaphors. Anyway, Assorama says that she "hoped and wished" that they could do well with Meghan, but she knew they couldn't. Again, very inconsistent with her statements, but hey. Whatever. It's all water under the bridge of delusions now.
George brings up the fact that he was watching them, and he doesn't think the outcome would necessarily have been different if they had taken a different artist. He thinks their biggest problem was teamwork, not the particular art they chose. I'm not sure a cohesive team could have sold the frogs and concubines and Psyche and Smut, but I know what George is getting at. Heidi tells the story about how Assorama wanted to sit down for a lengthy lunch break because of her aching head. Assorama, who I think believes that Trump is unaware of her injury and she's about to spring it on him, says, "Can I just tell you I've been walking around for a week with a concussion?" She goes on to say that she simply "needed a moment," and she brought the request to Heidi, who ignored her. It's all very tragic. Heidi -- quite correctly, ARGH -- says that Assorama was "fine in the morning," and it always seems to turn into a traumatic injury whenever she wants something. "I've been a trouper for this team," Assorama insists, reinventing "trouper" to mean something between "wimp" and "glaring liability." Trump asks her what having a concussion has to do with the length of lunch. "You got hit on the head with a little piece of plaster," he says, and he points out that pretty much all his life, he's been getting bonked with plaster, which is a line so awesome I need to stop the show right at that point and go buy some champagne so that I can toast Donald. Wait here until I get back. In fact, I suggest that you get yourself a drink as well, and then we can toast together while we watch the end of the episode.
Okay. Everybody...toast! Assorama looks gobsmacked that Trump knows the nature of her trauma. "[Assorama], I mean, you know, give me a break." She insists that she's "not being dramatic." He double-checks that her story is that because of her horrible injury, she "took lunch instead of working." She asks whether he's insinuating that she was lazy, and he says he's not, and she looks around all innocent, saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was going to be attacked for being hit on the head." Trump tells her she's not being attacked; he's just trying to understand her lame-ass argument in her own defense. He just doesn't see the connection between a piece of drywall popping you on the head and stopping days later for lunch. She insists that she "wanted to take five minutes to eat," which is totally false, because Heidi was perfectly willing to stop for a few minutes; she just didn't want to sit down and be served. Wait, when did I get myself on Heidi's side? Somebody get me a map and a compass. Trump asks Kwame if Assorama blows things out of proportion. Kwame says carefully that "at times she tends to exaggerate," and he thinks that he's not the only person who thinks so. Nor is it just this team that thinks so. Hee.
Now, it's time for Kwame to pick who goes to the final table. Heidi makes this really funny face like, "Oh, just SAY IT'S ME." Kwame says that Troy remains his best source of help, so compared to Troy, he has to take "the two ladies." Troy is sent upstairs, and the rest are sent into the lobby. Out in the lobby, Assorama, suddenly realizing that nobody is buying the head injury anymore, kicks it up a notch by crying all over Kwame about what a champ she is. She whimpers, he comforts her, et cetera. Heidi sits on the couch with a sour expression on her face, and then it hits me. In this episode? Heidi is me. The swearing! The eye-rolling! The hating of Assorama! The lack of knowledge about art! It's like Freaky Friday. She even makes a disgusted mouth-twisting grimace. I totally do that! Oy. This development confuses me, to say the least.
thing you know, Assorama goes and opens the door to the Boardroom. Trump looks rather mild, but we hear him yell, "[Assorama], I didn't call for you yet!" He still looks rather mild as she comes in and starts defending herself in a pitiful whimper: "Mr. Trump, I've worked for the last two weeks -- I've been running around for a week --" Trump cuts her off and says, more bored than angry, "We all have problems." Toast again! Despite them not having been called back, Kwame and Heidi have come in behind Assorama anyway, and as they sit down, Trump's like, "Life is full of problems," and Heidi's all, "Yeah, like cancer." Assorama asks to go back outside and grab a tissue. Even funnier, Trump says, "Yeah, grab a napkin." I have no idea why he said "napkin," but it was hilarious. Hey, is your glass ready? Clink me! Whee! She goes outside and, in the lobby, checks herself in a GIGANTIC mirror that apparently lives in her purse. Who carries around a mirror like that? It's not like she's looking in a compact -- she's got a flat mirror the size of a hardcover book! In her purse! Freak. Also, while she's gone, Heidi rolls her eyes, and Trump shoots her this look like, "Yeah, no shit." Clink!
Assorama checks her makeup some more, dabs herself, and returns to the Boardroom. Trump gets everyone seated. Trump asks Kwame what he wants to say. Kwame repeats that going with Meghan was a risk that didn't pay off, and he quite correctly says that if it had paid off, he'd look like a genius. Trump turns to Assorama. She snivels that she worked so hard yesterday, and she was the shining star, and she did all this stuff. Trump asks if she thinks that criticizing her for taking lunch was unfair, and she says yes, as he agrees with her that people do take time for lunch. But after all, he goes on to say, in this situation, they had a very limited timeline to work with. Heidi points out that her concern was that if you stop for a sit-down lunch on a busy day, it could take a very long time. Assorama says that if Heidi had "explained it that eloquently" at the time, there would have been no fight. Oh, WHAT a load of crap.
And now we move toward truly classic TV as Assorama sadly complains, in this very sad and very serious voice, that Heidi likes to "drop the f-bomb." Heidi looks at the ceiling and smiles, saying, "You gotta be kidding me." Trump asks Assorama, "The what-bomb?" "The f-bomb," Heidi says with exasperation. "What is the f-bomb?" Trump asks. "She curses," Assorama says self-importantly. We cut to Carolyn, who is sitting there kind of keeping it together, but who suddenly just busts out with the funniest and most endearing laugh, like she cannot believe they are arguing over the f-bomb. Clink! "That's excuses," Heidi says dismissively, and correctly, again. Asked if she thinks Assorama did a good job, Heidi says she did "okay." George asks her if "okay" means good or not good, and Heidi says it means "not good." Asked how she thinks Heidi did, Assorama says that she didn't think Heidi contributed anything. As these two great minds have apparently reached an impasse, Trump finally says "it's time."
First, he tells Heidi that she's kind of annoying people. Is she aware of that? She is. Then he tells Assorama that the competition, more than she thinks, is about "leadership and getting along with your team." He says Kwame did "a terrible job," but he sort of respects him for taking a risk, and he thinks Kwame has learned a lesson from it. "Besides," Trump says, "I've been known to take a few risks myself once in a while." He is not happy, however, about the "constant fighting" on the team, and he especially doesn't like the fact that Assorama and Heidi bitched about lunch when they had such a limited time to work with. He turns to Assorama. "[Assorama], go out and sell paintings, or whatever the hell you're doing. I don't like excuses. In this case, [Assorama] has to go. You're fired." She looks at him in this cold, dead way that's very reminiscent of Sam in its apparent potential for leading to a psychotic break. "Thanks for the opportunity to be here," she finally says. Heidi mutters something about trying to stop driving people nuts as she and Kwame get up to leave. As Assorama gets on the elevator, Trump says, "[Assorama] has a yooge chip on her shoulder. She felt that she was superior to the other people. [Shot of Assorama snottily waving to Robin, who waves back, like, 'Whatever.'] She's very smart, but I think her attitude was terrible." Clink!
Assorama gets in the cab. Chug!
week: Absolutely no one is sad that Assorama was thrown out. Katrina and Bill have some kind of conflict. But most importantly, Assorama isn't there anymore. Refill!
In her exit interview, Assorama is all pageant-girl, saying how much she liked everybody and what a great time she had. She wants the rest of the contestants to remember: "No man is my friend, no man is my foe, every man is my teacher." I totally believe she's serious about the first part, that's for damn sure.