Props to Carney and Kalbear.
Previously on Angel, very little happened.
We open with title cards that read: "Sunnydale, California. The Hellmouth. 19 days earlier." And then this is happening again. Are they trying to make Angel seem better by comparison? Because it's working. So, here we go again. Buffy runs up and boggles. I start laughing. She just looks so bewildered, like she's about to say, "Your soul is leaking out everywhere and making a mess. Is it supposed to do that?" Hand-holding, dramatic music, and Buffy runs off. Some light hits Marsters's head at a strange angle, making his nose look absolutely enormous. And then he burns up.
Cut to the Wolfram & Hart offices. We pick up right where we left off last week with...well, who is he this time? I'm sure it isn't Spike, and I heard that Brad left a while back, so I guess this is someone new. Johanna suggested "Spicule." She named Brad, too. But does she get hate mail? Noooo. Spicule gasps and pants while the MoG spend a while telling each other who Spicule is. Wesley says, "He's a vampire. One of the worst recorded, second only to --" "Me," Angel grunts. Spicule spins around and sees Angel behind him. Even though all of the MoG, including Angel, were standing in front of Spicule at the end of last week's episode. Not that it matters. Angel says that Spicule is dead, and Harmony sniffs, "Who here isn't?" Spicule vamps out and leaps at Angel, but passes right through him and lands in the middle of the desk. Angel proceeds to examine his chest like he's thinking, "I'm incorporeal! When did that happen?" Hee. Spicule looks down at the desk he's in the midst of, devamps, then sadly sighs, "Bugger."
Credits. I call Johanna and we talk about how inexplicably funny the clip from Buffy was. She says, "I just thought, 'Oh, there's his soul all shining out.'" It's worth stating again that at least a month before the Buffy finale aired, Johanna totally predicted that his beautiful glowing soul would spill out and save the day and that Sunnydale would be sucked into another dimension, kind of like in that one "Treehouse of Horror," and the only hint I'd given her was that the ending would be the stupidest thing she could imagine. Then I talk about how Spicule should have a metal "S" on his forehead, and then I have to explain about Red Dwarf, because Johanna isn't nearly as geeky as I am, and then she giggles for a while about the name "Rimmer," and then the show starts up again.
Spicule wonders what's happened to him, while Wesley eyes the Amulet of Assitude on the floor. Harmony guesses that he's a ghost, which upsets him. Gunn asks, "Where he'd come from?" and Wesley picks up the amulet. Angel expositions that it's "something [he] gave to Buffy before..." Spicule immediately starts panting like the lapdog he is, and asks where Buffy is. Angel looks a bit shifty as he answers, "Europe. Last I heard from her." Johanna thinks that Angel is irked because Buffy wasn't keeping in better touch. Spicule goes on hyperventilating -- really, why is he doing that? -- and insists that he has to talk to Buffy, telling Angel, "You can't keep her from me!" Angel growls, "Look, she's a cookie that isn't done baking, and I'm not going to let you open the oven door and peek in until she's moist and delicious!" Spicule whines, "You got no idea what we had," and Angel gripes, "You never had her," and I think a better response would have been "I don't want to know!" Spicule says "More than you!" and then Harmony shrieks, "Oh! My! God!" She summarizes Buffy's relationship with Spicule quite nicely by saying "Ugh! That's just -- ugh!" and storming out. The rest of the MoG play expositional catch-up, and Gunn asks if Spicule is "a good vampire, like Angel." Angel insists that they're not at all alike, and Spicule agrees, before demanding to know what's happened to him.
Cut to the lab. Fred waves a Star Trek gadget over Spicule, who is hugging his chest so that his jacket is wrapped tightly around him. Cary tells Wesley that the story of the Slayer's romances would make a great movie. Too easy. Cary adds, "I see Depp and Bloom." I try to imagine Johnny Depp playing Angel. Then, just for kicks, I try to imagine David Boreanaz as Jack Sparrow. Finally, I try to imagine a monkey playing baseball, and that I can at least picture. Spicule asks Fred if she is "scanner-girl." She is, in the sense that her babbling can make people's heads explode. She explains about the science division, and Wolfram & Hart, and that Angel runs the place, and are we going to have to explain the premise every single week? Yes, Spicule needs to know all this background crap, but that doesn't mean that the scene in which it's explained to him has to happen on-screen! Fred technobabbles for a while and eventually explains that Spicule is kind of like a ghost, except that they can see him. How extremely helpful. Wesley suggests that Spicule's "essence" was held within the Amulet of Assitude, and asks if he felt anything unusual when his soul went all glowy or whatever. Spicule answers, "You mean my skin and muscle burning away from the bone? Organs exploding in my chest? Eyeballs melting in the sockets? No. No memory at all. Thanks for asking." Angel wonders how the amulet got out of the Hellmouth and into his mail. Fred wonders if The Powers That Be sent Spicule to them. It's not a very good gift. It's kind of like a fruitcake. Spicule grumbles about how "saving the sodding world" should be enough and that he deserves to rest. He's still got his coat wrapped tightly around him. Is he cold? Is he wearing an embarrassing T-shirt? I kept wondering about it until I decided it must be a plot point, but it's never mentioned by anyone. As Spicule goes on complaining, he gradually starts fading out. Fred interrupts to point this out, and Spicule looks down at his see-through body and says, "Oh, balls," and then vanishes. Hooray!
Fred waves her props around some more and then asks what Spicule meant about saving the world. Angel looks embarrassed and insists that Buffy did most of the work. Spicule materializes in a different part of the room saying, "What? What?" He doesn't remember where he went, but he's sure that this is all Angel's fault. No, no, it's Whedon's fault. Or maybe The WB's fault, for not trying the Angel/Smallville combo sooner. Spicule complains that this wouldn't have happened to him if Angel had worn the Amulet of Assitude. It also wouldn't have happened if you hadn't volunteered, genius. He says that Angel chickened out and "abandoned the woman [he] claim[s] to love." Spicule, you wanted the past tense there. Angel gets irate at being called a chicken, or else Boreanaz is freaked out by someone even mentioning birds. Angel says it was Buffy's choice, and Spicule goes on babbling: "I don't give a piss about atonement or destiny. Just because I got me a soul doesn't mean I'm going to let myself be led around by --" The MoG interrupt to ask Angel if Spicule has a soul. Angel claims that it didn't seem important. Oh come on, Angel, everyone loves a joke. Spicule finally stops hugging himself as he taunts Angel about not being so special anymore, and Angel stomps out.
While walking down a hallway, Angel does a double-take when he sees a man wearing a wrestling mask pushing a mailcart. Spicule steps through the wall and follows Angel, asking if he's running away. Angel passes Harmony's desk, and she interrupts to mention that he has a meeting at 3 PM. Angel isn't in the mood, and Spicule goes on talking and talking about how Angel has all these perks, and for some reason all of his lines were looped, and it's extremely noticeable and extremely distracting. Oh, I get it: this is what Wesley meant about Spicule being "one of the worst recorded." Spicule is still talking about how Angel sold out and made a deal with the devil and oh, my lord. Why couldn't he be corporeal and mute? He finally interrupts himself to say, "Grox'lar beast," and Angel turns to see a demonic Minotaur step off the elevator. Angel steps forward and punches it a few times, and then he gets thrown into a wall. Aw, it's Satan's little brother! Spicule tries to punch the Grox'lar and, of course, just pushes his fist through the Grox'lar's neck. Angel gets back up, and after a few more punches, he does a nice move where he wraps his arm around the Grox'lar's neck and then runs up the wall and jumps off so that he ends up standing behind the Grox'lar, pulling its head back. And then he snaps its neck. Neat. And I think Boreanaz was doing at least part of that stunt. It's really hard to tell, but there's no part where it definitely isn't him, if you see what I mean. Oh, and then Angel kicks the dead demon into a wall, which seems a bit excessive.
Angel loudly asks how the demon got past Security, and Harmony starts to answer but is interrupted, so that we can all watch the joke slowly approaching. Spicule goes back to complaining that Angel has sold out, and Angel says that he's got a business to run, and finally Harmony says that the Grox'lar was Angel's 3 PM appointment. D'oh. Wait, the Grox'lar is still breathing, so I guess Angel didn't snap its neck. Or snapping its neck doesn't kill it. Angel asks why he's meeting with Grox'lar demons: "They eat babies!" Harmony replies, "Just their heads," and says that Angel was opening negotiations with the demon's clan. "Negotiations for what?" Angel asks. Gunn wanders in and explains, "To get 'em to stop eating baby heads." Angel figures that the fight may have ruined that plan, but Gunn says the Grox'lars respect strength. He also takes this opportunity to exposition that in addition to human laws, his brain is full of "demon laws from every dimension." So Gunn is Wesley now? Then who is Wesley? Gunn says that he should have briefed Angel about the Grox'lar, but that he's been busy with all the reforms they're trying to make at Wolfram & Hart. As he leads Angel away, Gunn mentions that he's fired forty employees in the past two days. Wow, he's been busy. And I think all of that had to happen yesterday, because this is still the same day that he saved the day at Hauser's trial, isn't it? And it's not even 3 yet!
Spicule stays behind, miffed that somebody else got a few lines of dialogue. Harmony apologizes for being crabby with him, and asks if he wants to talk. Spicule silently wanders off. Harmony calls him a "Slayer-loving freak." Word.
In his office, Gunn shows Angel a voodoo doll someone made of him. Heh. The Wesley voodoo doll Selannia made is much cooler, though. Spicule suddenly speaks up from the doorway about how big the building is or something. He's gone back to hugging the coat around him again. Angel snaps that he's in a meeting. Spicule says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't care." Okay, heh. Gunn says that some of the employees aren't going to be happy about the changes they're making. He looks really nice in those clothes.
As if on cue, a lawyer marches into the office and asks if they're shutting down the Internment Acquisitions Division. Angel turns to Gunn and whispers, "Internment acqui...?" Gunn is Wesley, and Angel is Cordy? Gunn loudly translates for him: "Grave-robbing." Angel continues to look confused. The lawyer, whose name is Novac, sucks up briefly and insists that he likes the changes they're making, but adds that the grave-robbing gig is awfully profitable. Angel says that they'll have to do without. Novac starts to argue, but then Angel starts glaring at him. Novac nervously explains that they have a contract to provide bodies to one Magnus Hainsley, one of their oldest clients. Angel tells Novac, "You tell Mister --" he pauses and clears his throat, and Gunn quickly supplies, "Hainsley." See, Angel really has been lying about how great his memory is! I knew it! Angel continues, "--Hainsley that Wolfram & Hart is under new management and out of the grave-robbing business." Novac isn't too happy about being the bearer of bad news, but he dutifully heads for the door. Spicule tells Novac, "You don't have to take that," and talks and talks and talks about how Angel's just a bureaucrat now, and Novac eventually wanders off because going to face an angry evil magician would at least be interesting. Angel tells Spicule to get out. Spicule nyahs that he hates Los Angeles and is planning to leave just as soon as he says one or two dozen more things, and with a final "Get stuffed," he leaves.
Cityscape & blipvert. It's dark outside, and it may not be the same day anymore. Finally. Angel has changed clothes, at least. I don't think it's fair that he doesn't get to wear a leather jacket anymore. In his office, Angel is staring out at the city, and as Wesley passes by the doorway, Angel asks, "You don't think he's really gone, do you?" He goes on to note that he was the one who was supposed to get all glowy and then burn up and close the Hellmouth. Wesley asks whether Angel feels guilty. Even Angel -- who feels guilty about most everything -- doesn't feel guilty about Spicule. No, Angel's just wondering what the heck Wolfram & Hart were planning when they gave him the company and an amulet that would turn him into a ghost. Wesley suggests, "Maybe there's dissent in their ranks, or maybe there's another player in the game." He adds, "Then again, maybe they got exactly what they were after." Just then, Angel spots Spicule lurking in the doorway, and asks why he's there. Spicule says that every time he got near the city limits, he got yanked back to Wolfram & Hart. Okay, but couldn't he find somewhere interesting to go within the city limits? ["In L.A.?" -- Wing Chun] Wesley figures that the amulet is bound to Wolfram & Hart somehow, and that Spicule is connected to the amulet.
Harmony pokes her head in, and...okay, she's still wearing the same clothes as before. So is it still the same day after all? She says that Novac is back from his visit to Hainsley. Angel tells her to send Novac in. Harmony skeptically says, "Okay...." She turns her head, and some flunkies enter the office carrying three buckets, which they place on Angel's desk. There are some bloody rags hanging out of one. Angel and Wesley peer into the buckets. Spicule sniffs that they're doing a "bang-up job." It seems odd that he didn't say they were doing a "bloody great job." All those years of set-up, and they missed the punchline.
Commercials. I bring up Spiracle's habit of hugging his coat to himself. Johanna thinks he's scared someone will make him get naked again. She wonders if Marsters has a phobia about socks now: "And if he does, David Boreanaz must terrify him!" Then, apropos of nothing, Johanna tells me, "Usually when I think about how they made Xander sleep outside at Christmas, I'm just thinking about how they're being so mean to him at Christmas. But I just realized that he's sleeping outside at night in Sunnydale. With all the vampires. And they don't care. They actually want him to get killed. He's all, 'Merry Christmas,' and they're like, 'You know what would make my Christmas merry? If you were dead!'"
Angel walks out to Harmony's desk and asks for a list of Novac's contacts and relations. Wow, Harmony has to work late. Gunn walks out and says, "Got word you wanted the file on Magnus Hainsley." He got word? Do the MoG not talk to each other directly anymore? Also, here's something I've been wondering: did they mean to call him "Magus Hainsley" and got confused? Or is it like a pun, because he's a big guy? Gunn hands Angel the file, and summarizes it by saying that Hainsley is powerful and has connections and so on. While pedeconferencing, Angel spots something in the file and grumbles, "And he's a necromancer." Wesley pops up in time to translate: "Power over the dead," and says that explains why Hainsley wants a steady supply of bodies.
Gunn, Angel, and Wesley return to Angel's office and find Spicule sitting behind the desk. "Out of my chair!" Angel snaps. "Make me," Spicule replies. Gunn wants to know what's in the buckets. Angel says it's a message from Hainsley, and that he's going to reply personally. He heads over to the private elevator while Wesley complains that this is a bad idea. Angel doesn't want anyone else getting hurt. Wesley protests again. Angel is adamant that he's the only one who gets to kill Wolfram & Hart's employees. He's also having a hell of a time figuring out how to call the elevator, which is amusing. There don't seem to be any buttons. The elevator doors open, and as Angel steps inside, Wesley continues to protest that Angel shouldn't be after "an eye for an eye." Angel sniffs, "I'm not going for his eyes, Wes," and hits a button in the elevator. Gunn quietly says, "I know what you should go for." Angel quickly puts his arm out to stop the elevator doors from closing. Gunn adds, "It'll hurt him. Bad [sic]." Angel looks intrigued. I found that hilarious. Obviously, I'm okay with the idea that Angel might not care too much about Wesley's advice at this point, but the idea that suddenly he's eager to hear anything Gunn says? Very odd. You know what else I liked about that scene? Spicule only had one line.
Angel enters the garage, and again with all the damn cars. He gets ready to enter one, and discovers Spicule inside waiting for him. Spicule says, "Knew you'd pick the Viper. So bloody predictable." Spicule has decided to make the most of his situation, so his new hobby will be driving Angel crazy: "I could drive you completely starkers." He's going to annoy Angel into taking his clothes off? Angel slams the door, walks to the car, and gets inside. In a development that no one could have predicted, when Angel gets inside, Spicule is right there waiting for him. See, I don't think Spicule even tried to leave Los Angeles. I think he just found an empty room and practiced teleporting and stuff. Anyway, Spicule says he'd like to go on a road trip, and asks where they're going. Angel quips, "To see the wizard." Well, yeah, that makes sense: this show could do with a brain, a heart, and some nerve.
A cityvert takes us to Hainsley's house, where a butler is letting Angel and Spicule inside. Does the invitation rule still apply to Spicule? The butler was Rolf on Days of Our Lives and, even cooler, was in an episode of Knight Rider. Angel explains that he's from Wolfram & Hart. The butler looks questioningly at Spicule, who adds, "I'm his date." Angel makes an exasperated face while the butler explains that Hainsley is with a customer, and doesn't like to be interrupted. Angel says he doesn't care, and orders the butler to interrupt. "As you wish," says the butler, and exits. Does the butler understand that his boss's orders are more important than those of random visitors? Spicule looks around and starts carping about "life among the power elite" and how Angel hasn't busted any heads yet. Does he ever stop talking? Shut up, Spicule! Where's Wesley? Why can't Wesley be talking? I repent! Angel says he's "hoping to avoid a body count," and with that, Spicule notices something in the room.
Angel and Spicule enter a large room that is full of bodies, dressed and posed in a "lifelike" manner. Angel turns the lights up and observes, "It's a showroom." It's a shame that the people don't have big price tags on their backs, with lists of optional extras. Also, there's a shot here where Angel's hair appears to lift up in a beautiful four-inch-high puff. I think it looks that way because his head is a little below the camera level. At least, I hope and pray that's why it looks that way.
Meanwhile, there's a girl lying on a table, which is centered over a pentagram. The girl's top is open to show off her abs. Standing over her is a guy who will, of course, turn out to be Magnus Hainsley. He's played by Victor Raider-Wexler, who may be nearing Hey! It's That Guy! status. I mean, look at all of his credits. He was on The Tick, too. There's some Tuvan throat-singing as Hainsley makes gestures above the girl's torso. Then we hear someone talking about how he considered getting an older body. The camera slowly turns around to reveal a kinda cool charred-looking demon standing in the corner, although his voice gives me some slight Merl flashbacks. The demon chatters on: "But in the end I...I went with pretty. I suppose we all do, in the end, don't we? You know, in the end. Pretty people just seem to have it so much --" Hainsley suddenly plunges his hand into the woman's stomach. Is he reaching through her belly-button? Ew. Hainsley stretches his left arm toward the demon, who jerks and notes, "That's feelin' a little weird." Orange glowiness travels out of the demon, into Hainsley's arm, and then through Hainsley and down into the girl's body. Suddenly the butler says, "There are some more men from Wolfram & Hart asking to see you. They seem rather adamant." Hainsley looks up long enough to say, "Kill them," and turns back to his work. The butler seems cool with that. So is it a new trend where the episode's villain isn't even mentioned until midway through the second act? That's fine in itself; it'd actually be a kind of interesting way to approach stories. I just hope that eventually they find something interesting to do in the first act.
Back in the showroom, Spicule is -- surprise! -- talking. He suggests that Hainsley might be lonely, so maybe he "picks out one of these painted pigeons and shows her a good time." Ew. Off Angel's look, Spicule defensively insists, "I'm sure they don't mind." And if they do mind, maybe Hainsley can run out and get a soul afterward. Angel grunts that he minds, and wasn't Spicule just five minutes ago talking about how Angel should be up in arms about his bucket o' lawyer? Oh, I see, Spicule has decided that it's all about him. For a change. He moans that the dead folk around them are lucky, because "nobody's shoving them back into the stinking world against their will." Angel glares at Spicule and repeats, "I mind!"
The butler enters and announces that Hainsley asked him to send Angel and Spicule back to Wolfram & Hart. "In a manner of speaking..." he evils, and then whips out some butcher knives and makes with the swishy-swishy sound effects. Angel, looking bored, reaches behind him and picks up a teaspoon from a cup one of the posed bodies is holding. He throws it across the room, and it ends up embedded in the butler's skull. Sometimes I make things up in these recaps, but honest, that's what happened. Johanna didn't see this part, and she didn't believe me when I told her about it. Spicule boggles, "A spoon?" The butler pulls the spoon out of his head and glares at Angel. Spicule continues his color commentary: "Okay, that's more --" And then the butler collapses. "Disappointing, really," Spicule concludes. I've decided to like that, not so much for the Tick reference but because...well, come on, it's certainly not what I expected. Angel tells Spicule, "I know you can't help me, but could you maybe not root for the other team?" Spicule says he'll cheer on anyone who might take Angel down a notch. Angel sighs, "What is your problem?" and Spicule goes off on a younger-brother whiny-ass tirade as we return to the world of ADR: "You're king of a thirty-floor castle, with all the cars, comfort, power, and glory you could ever want, and here I save the world, throw myself onto the proverbial hand grenade for love, honor, and all the right reasons, and what do I get? Bloody well toasted and ghosted is what I get, isn't it? It's not fair." "It's not fair"? How old are you? Angel loses his temper in turn, and he looks seriously pissed off, which seems almost excessive because he's dealt with bigger problems than Spicule for a while now. On the other hand, as we've established, he's had a very, very long day already. Anyway, he looks furious as he snaps, "I spent a hundred years trying to come to terms with infinite remorse. You spent three weeks moaning in a basement, and then you were fine! What's fair about that?" Hee. Spicule just looks distracted, probably because if anyone starts to point out his own questionable character he stops listening, and then he asks, "Are you getting blurry, or is it --" And poof, he vanishes. Angel makes some more exasperated gestures and leaves.
Hainsley is washing his hands when the double doors to the room are smashed in by Angel. Hee hee. Double doors probably piss Angel off even more than normal doors do. What did doors ever do to him, anyway? Hainsley chuckles and said he didn't know it was "the head cheese himself." The girl on the table sits up and says, "I can see you guys have a thing going on. Don't wanna get in your way. I'll let myself out." As she passes Angel on her way out, Angel grabs her arm. She snarls and her eyes glow red, and Angel punches her, knocking her out. So, why do demons want to possess human bodies? Do they still have demon powers in there? Angel promptly answers my question, sort of, by figuring that demons do it so they can "walk amongst the sheep." So they do keep demon powers, then? What happens to their old bodies? Can they go back into them later? None of it really matters, and it's probably for the best that they don't try to answer these questions, but hey, I'm just curious. Angel tells Hainsley that he's cutting off the supply of bodies. Hainsley gestures, and Angel...er, grimaces and starts pretending that he can't move. Hainsley gestures again, and Angel is drawn across the room. Hainsley explains, "I eat the dead for breakfast, son. And you're just another plate o' bacon and eggs." Metaphorically. Oh God, I hope he means that metaphorically. Spicule materializes in the doorway, and Hainsley is even more amused, asking, "You brought a ghost as your backup, vampire?" Spicule assures Hainsley that he's not backup: "I just haunt the bastard." Hainsley says that he could dust Angel with no problem, but then releases him instead. Angel gasps and moans as Hainsley explains, "That would be too big an insult for the senior partners to overlook. Seems that they've got plans for you." Oh, a clue! Ish. Angel says he has plans, too, and pulls out a phone. He says, "Gunn, do it." Angel explains that Gunn just froze Hainsley's assets and turned him in to the IRS. He adds, "Five minutes from now, you'll have nothing but this house. Ten minutes from now, that'll go into foreclosure." Hainsley starts complaining, and threatens to sue. Angel heads for the door, quipping, "Good luck. We're your lawyers." As he leaves, with Spicule trailing. Hainsley blusters, "This isn't over, vampire."
On the way out, Spicule makes fun of Angel for having the IRS fight his battles and yap yap yap yap -- poof. He vanishes again. "Thank God," Angel and I say.
Spicule materializes back in the room with Hainsley, who explains that he could yank Spicule back since he has power over the dead. Hainsley says, "You're a ghost. Well, close enough, anyway." He offers to give Spicule a corporeal body. But in return...Spicule interrupts, naturally: "Hurt Angel, [is] that it? You want me to hurt Angel? You've come to the right ghost."
Commercials. Johanna observes that Angel knows a lot of details about Spicule's return post-souling. I guess maybe Faith called him after the Hellmouth closed for business, and they had a nice gossip session. That's nice. They were so cute together.
Back at Wolfram & Hart, Gunn says that he wiped out Hainsley's assets. I wish Gunn had the crumpled hubcab axe as a paperweight in his office. Just for old times' sake. Wesley and Fred enter and ask how it went. Angel thinks they'll hear from Hainsley again, but asks, "Can we get back to my, uh, spiritual crisis?" He describes how Spicule went along on the visit to Hainsley's, and asks how they can get rid of him. Wesley says that his entire unidentified department has researched the amulet without finding any way to release Spicule from it: "At least, not in the conventional sense." Wesley adds that maybe they can grant Spicule what he asked for, though: eternal rest. Oh Wesley, keep on whispering in my ear, tell me all the things that I like to hear. That's what I like about you.
Spicule materializes in the corridor and walks toward Angel's office. As he passes Harmony's desk, she snits, "Fine, don't talk to me." Does she have a home? Do they all live in the building? Spicule stops, and Harmony complains that he treated her badly. Then -- and I'd like to emphasize that Harmony's not very bright -- she says, "Since you're all soulful now, I thought maybe, just maybe, you might've learned to open up a little. You know, talk?" She wants him to talk more! Also, it appears that Harmony's new shtick is malapropisms. Swell. Harmony stomps off, and as Spicule approaches the office he overhears the MoG's conversation. Wesley says it's like an exorcism. According to the captions, Fred replies, "We're talking about killing him." Spicule sidles up closer to the door. He is clear on the part where he's a ghost, right? If he wants to eavesdrop, why doesn't he go through the wall instead of leaning against it?
In the office, Fred continues by saying, "I know he's already dead, but he'd be gone-dead. Forever. It just doesn't seem right." Wesley says that "letting him cross over" would be merciful. And that's just if you're talking about the audience. Angel quickly says, "Yeah, mercy, I'm all for it. Just, hey, tell me how we do it." Heh. Wesley says that the magic that protects the amulet doesn't work on hallowed ground. So if they take it to a church or a cemetery, they can smash it. Gunn asks Angel what he thinks. "I think I want to sleep on it," Angel says. Fred responds by putting the amulet on the desk in front of Angel. Her miniskirt seems really inappropriate for the office. Yikes. Spicule looks pouty and walks away before the MoG exit the office. Angel gets up and takes the amulet.
Here's where I would have been complaining that ten seconds ago Angel was fine with the idea, but suddenly he wants to think about it some more? But Johanna cleared it all up for me. Because she thinks he meant he literally wanted to sleep on the amulet. And that's why Fred immediately gave it to him. See, he has no doubts about getting rid of Spicule, but he fell in love with the amulet. And why not? It's small and shiny, and entirely unlike a door. So after that last scene, Angel takes the amulet out for a romantic dinner, and then we blipvert to...
Angel gets off the elevator, still holding his beloved amulet. He appears to have a penthouse apartment in the building now. Okay. It has the most boring furniture possible. I know he hasn't had time to decorate, but just to wax nostalgic for a minute, one of the few things I liked about the first season was how his Batcave apartment was full of paintings and weaponry and oddness. And now he's staying at a corporate Marriott.
Cut to Angel coming out of the bathroom. Shirtless. Gosh, it's been a while. Also: yargh! He and the amulet have had a long romantic bubble bath together, and now they're going to curl up in bed and cuddle. He gets into bed, turns off the light, and then he gigglingly asks the amulet, "Whatcha thinkin' about?" Oh fine. What actually happens is that Spicule says, "Look at you." Angel moans, "No, no, no, no..." Spicule starts on another round of whatever it is he keeps bitching about, and Angel says, "Dude, the amulet and I would like a little private time, if you know what I mean." Spicule says that he overheard the conversation earlier in Angel's office. He goes on to say that Hainsley offered him a deal: "Said he could bring me back -- body and soul -- if I used our close personal relationship to double-cross you." Angel asks what Spicule answered, and then Spicule gets pissy about how could Angel even ask that, insisting that he works for Team Good now, except of course when he's crazy, or when he's decided not to, or when he's been brainwashed to kill people, or when somebody tries to make him feel bad about anything. But apart from that, he's completely good. Spicule goes on to say that he doesn't trust Hainsley anyway. He says, "I can't live like this," and I ask, "You mean, being dead?" but he explains that he can't go on just hanging around being useless, and I can see how three or four years of that would be more than enough. Spicule concludes, "I want it to end." Well, there's only ten more minutes.
Moonvert. Angel and Spicule walk through a cemetery. It's still the same night? Poor Angel must be so sleepy. Angel asks if he's sure, and Spicule insists that it's for the best. Angel puts the amulet on top of a gravestone and, after giving it a goodbye kiss, picks up a handy urn to smash it with. I think a hammer would be a little more effective -- you don't smash a crystal with a clay pot. Plus, then this bit would have been even funnier. Angel raises the urn and then clobbers himself in the head with it. Heh. Angel looks at the urn with some confusion. Spicule says, "I think you missed." Angel hits himself again, then makes a face as he levitates. Hainsley steps out and declaims, "And the dead shall rise! Just 'cause I say so." Hainsley explains that he "wields power over all things lifeless." Yes. We know. He gestures, and Angel is whapped into a wall. Spicule complains that Hainsley took too long to appear. Gasp, it's a double-cross! Hainsley says that he'll give Spicule his reward soon, and looks over at the unconscious Angel. Not like that.
Commercials. Johanna and I discuss Angel's apartment. Do they all live in the Wolfram & Hart building now? It'd be funny if the rest of the MoG are living at the Hyperion, and now it's Party Central because Angel isn't there moping around. And then one day they could have an episode where Angel needs to find them for some urgent problem, and they aren't answering the phone, and then he goes to the Hyperion and there's a rave going on there.
So, this is not good. Although it's not as painful as the premiere. And I keep trying to decide if, bizarrely, now my expectations are too high, because I'd actually enjoyed watching the show for a quite a while. And, to be fair, I hated hated hated the first third or so of Season Three, and then I adored the latter part so much that SNeaker is still disappointed in me. I find this pretty painful, but it's early, right? Maybe Spicule will get lost in a hell dimension and then he'll abruptly fall from the ceiling a few episodes later and be sorta evil. It could happen. There's certainly a precedent for it, right?
When we return, Angel is lying on the table in the pentagram room. And there's a slit in his shirt so we can see his belly button. Thanks so much, that's just about the least flattering thing you could do. Angel starts to sit up, but Hainsley shoves him back down with another gesture and explains that he has power over dead bodies, and that Angel is dead. Yes, yes, thank you, we heard about that. Angel reminds Hainsley that the Senior Partners might get miffed if Hainsley kills him. Spicule explains the devious plan: "Necro here's gonna give me my body back after I take yours for a test drive, fix his little problems." He adds that he'll also get to play with Angel's cool new toys: "Your cars, your fancy digs, everything -- everyone -- I deserve will be mine." He adds that maybe he'll "have a go with that Fred. She looks like a goer." Hainsley says he's never done this with a conscious dead body before, and that it might be painful. Not that he cares. More Tuvan humming. Hand to Angel's stomach. Orange glowing blobs. Spicule is sucked into Hainsley's arm, but then the glow stops around Hainsley's right elbow. Hainsley grunts, "What are you doing?" He screams, "No!" and pulls his arm out of Angel. Angel punches Hainsley and does a neat little roll over Hainsley's back and they face off. Hainsley makes another gesture and suddenly there's a huge plot twist as Hainsley explains that he can control the dead. I had no idea! He throws Angel across the room and twitches as he claims, "Your ghost can't control me for long!" He gestures again, but Angel is unmoved. Literally. Angel clobbers Hainsley a few times and shoves him into a table. Hainsley gets up, and his stunt double gets in a few punches before Angel grabs a platter up off a table and throws it like a Frisbee so that it cuts off Hainsley's head. Spicule's head is shown poking up from behind Hainsley's body in an effect that I don't think worked very well at all. Hainsley's body falls as Spicule says, "Oh, bollocks." That's his reaction to everything. Probably because that's where his brains are. Angel asks, "That was you hitting me?" and Spicule admits that yes, it was at the end. He explains, "I had to get a few licks in, didn't I?" And then they both start to laugh, and there's a freeze-frame shot, and roll credits on this freakish little Police Squad meets Kolchak show.
Only not quite. The day, after a solid twenty minutes of sleep, Angel is back at work and explaining to Wesley about the plan he and Spicule had. Incidentally: first we had Hauser, and now Hainsley. So we've dropped the idea that "L. M." initials equal evil, and moved on to just the letter "H"? Wesley says that if Spicule is going to stick around, he should share his plans with everyone. Yeah, like the audience, because I hate these stupid fake-outs. Angel says that Spicule isn't good at sharing. Harmony makes another malapropism. Sigh. I was okay with the concept of Harmony being here, even given how little sense it makes, but this...this is not good. Also, maybe Angel's hair is all smooth and poofy now because Wesley's hair is spikey like Angel's used to be? So, Gunn has Welsey's brains, Wesley has Angel's hair, Harmony has Cordy's job, and Cary has...a lot of free time. Poor thing.
Fred enters the lab, wearing a slightly more appropriate outfit. She goes into her office, turns around, and then jumps as she discovers that Spicule is there, facing the wall like he saw The Blair Witch Project too many times. She asks if she can help him, and he answers, "Well, that's the heart of it, isn't it? The crux. The nub." Oh my God, they really are writing him like he's Season Two Wesley! Spicule asks if she's "the smart one," and finally moans, "I'm slipping." He looks really, really old. He says that the ground under him is slipping and he's standing over a chasm and blee blah bleh. Fred asks if that's what happens when he vanishes. When Fred's the one who's terse, there's a serious problem. Spicule turns away again and says he's being pulled somewhere. Where? Well, let's see if he can answer that in a hundred words or less: "It's not the place heroes go. Not by a bloody long shot. It's the other one. Full of fire and torment. Not the place with the people with wings playing harps, no sir. The one with the nasty people who poke you with sharp things. You get it? You see what I mean? It's for bad people. Milton talked about it for a while. There's a name for it. It's on the tip of my tongue." I made some of that up. But probably less than you'd think. He concludes by saying he's terrified, and begging, "Help me."
week, "the man who once loved Buffy" -- okay, could you vague that up a little more? Er, so whoever that is, he (or she) might be sweet on someone new. There is a supremely unflattering shot of Boreanaz in the promo, where his skin looks all blotchy, and it seems like a mean thing to put in an ad. But the girl he likes looks kind of like Darla, which amuses me. Poor Darla.