Oh Jeff Bell, why hast thou forsaken me? Props to Brother Mugga, who probably won't see this for ages, and to Montykins, who warned me a year ago about what would happen if Whedon had too much free time.
According to the WB promo department, everything I know about Angel is about to change. Hey, the show's HDTV-friendly now. That's kind of neat, I guess. Okay, so far the changes are good! I'm not going to spend a lot of time describing the teaser because it's silly, and there are enough things to rant about in this recap as is. During the teaser, Angel rescues a blonde chick who is attacked by a vamp in an alley. The point of this sequence is to attract new viewers and alert them to the following facts:
1. Angel has action sequences, some of which have impressive fight choreography.
2. Angel sometimes has CGI effects, which are also impressive, but rarely in the good way.
3. Akira Kurosawa and Sam Pekinpah used slow-motion in action scenes to create mood and to affect the audience emotionally. Angel also uses slow-motion.
4. Whatever you do, don't stop to think about what is happening during the slow-motion scenes. I know that it's difficult to resist the urge to use those moments to try understanding what the heck is going on, but that's just part of their fiendish plan to drive you mad. Resist.
So that's why the vampire -- who was unable even to scratch his helpless victim during all the time it took Angel to race to the rescue -- suddenly develops kung-fu skills for a prolonged battle against Angel. And that's why Los Angeles's alleys appear to be full of ten-story cranes hoisting convenient cables for use in dramatic entrances. Since the show contains a lot of time establishing significant details of the plot for the new viewers, and since it's possible that some new viewers might be reading this recap, I'll identify the more important things about the show in bold when they're mentioned. This will also more accurately recreate Whedon's style of working these details into the story, since he's not exactly subtle. You're welcome!
When the vamp is finally dusted, Angel tells the girl to go home. She asks who he is, and he shrugs, "It doesn't matter." Immediately, a deep voice calls, "Angel!" and several cars squeal into the alley. Ninja pop out waving guns and spotlights. Apparently I'm not the only one who thought, "Oh, the Initiative is back. Swell." Angel blinks and stares around while one of the ninja reports, "Area's secure. Angel is unharmed. Hostiles contained." He approaches and introduces himself as Agent Hauser while explaining that they're there as backup. Another car arrives, and a suited lawyer hurries up to add, "Really would prefer it if you didn't leave a rescue scenario until we had a chance to control the scene." Angel -- still bewildered, as so many of us are -- asks how they knew where he was. The lawyer explains that there's a tracking monitor on Angel's lapel.
Meanwhile, another lawyer is asking the girl to sign papers confirming her rescue, and Lawyer #1 asks Angel to pose with the girl for some pictures. He mentions, "Now, the vampire that you terminated -- he actually did work for one of your clients. But, hey! First week, no one will squawk!" It's only been a week since "Home"? Great, like it wasn't hard enough to follow the timeline on this show. As publicity photos are taken, the girl asks Angel if he works for a law firm. Angel stammers "No, I mean, well, sort of. Well, just lately!" Lawyer #2 has the girl initial something involving her immortal soul. The girl doesn't seem perturbed about that. And neither does Angel. She asks if Angel saved her for publicity, and he gibbers, "No! I help...the helpless?" Hee. Lawyer #1 offers to bring Angel's car around, and to fetch him a mocha.
Credits. Aw, Phantom Dennis is still there. Angel is wearing a light blue shirt in some shots. Hey, who's this James Marsters guy? Huh. I notice several shots of Gunn in nice suits. That's all well and good, but it doesn't make up for the sad lack of shirtless Gunn. Maybe he could wear a suit without a shirt. Like, on casual Fridays. Or when he comes to visit me. I like the big group shot at the end because they're actually using the width of the screen for once, but they do look a little bit like they're lining up for a fashion shoot instead of marching off to battle. Of course, maybe that's exactly what they're doing. I'm looking forward to the "Angel vs. The Fashionistas" episode.
Commercials. I call Johanna, and we talk about David Boreanaz's hair. Johanna speculates that maybe the reason he always had the odd spiky 'do is because he's just got bad hair, and that was the best thing anyone could do with it. Because this bouffant thing he's got going now is just confusing. Johanna eventually sends me some pictures of Boreanaz from that Dido video, and now I'm convinced that she's right. Oh, and let's get something straight right now: even though we've all known about it for a while, I tried not to think about it too much. I thought somebody would stop it. Sure, I knew that there were some misguided kids who were excited about it, but we live in a civilized society, where there are some things you don't do, no matter how much profit there may be in it. And now it's almost upon us. Maybe some of you feel like this is fine, and while everybody's entitled to an opinion, that doesn't mean every opinion is a valid one. I'm sorry, but everyone involved with the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre should burn in hell.
We open on a school hallway, and I suddenly get even more terrified because maybe Whedon completely forgot which show this is. A couple of boys are talking about comics. One of them is named Matt. They enter the classroom. I can understand opening the show with a scene that's very important to the story, or with a scene that isn't really important but is exciting or amusing or in some way grabs your attention. This was both uninteresting and unnecessary. Although that's consistent with a lot of things about the show, so maybe that was the idea.
Now that the show has established mood (ennui), we're ready to see Wolfram & Hart, where a mail cart is being pushed along. Ah yes, already this is much more exciting. There's a bulky envelope addressed to Angel on top of his cart. As he reaches the elevator, the doors open, and Fred appears. The elevator opens on both sides, so she's staring around in confusion. Wesley approaches and offers to help with all the exposition she's carrying. Fred declines his help, but leaps right into the exposition by asking if he's seen her laboratory. "It's giganamous [sic], and I'm in charge." She says she doesn't understand a lot of what goes on there, and Wesley admits, "I'm still stuck back at, 'Why on earth are we here?'" Fred answers, "Because the ratings are continuing to sink slowly, the writers who are tired of limbo-ing have moved on to other gigs, and this may be Whedon's last chance to prove that Marti Noxon shouldn't be blamed for all of the insane developments on Buffy." As if on cue, Knox hurries over to join them, and Fred introduces him to Wesley while allowing Knox to help her with her box of exposition. Oh, burn! Wesley grumpily asks Knox, "How long have you been evil?" Knox insists that he just does what he's told, and now that he works for Fred, he'll probably be "saving the world on a weekly basis." See, he really is helping her carry the exposition. He offers to escort Fred to her office, since she can't find it on her own. She says, "Thanks, Knoxy," and off they go.
Suddenly, Gunn tosses a basketball into Wesley's midsection, because Gunn is black. And streetwise! He's also grown some hair since what was apparently last week, which makes me grumpy. Not because I care about the continuity -- I just liked him bald. Wesley grumbles, "Cricket's more my game," because Wesley is English. Gunn asks after Fred, and Wesley says that "Knoxy" will take care of her. He asks, "Don't you think it's a bit unseemly adding 'Y's to the ends of people's names?" because he is jealous of Knox. Gunn asks, "Does that mean I have to call you 'Wesle'?" Heh. Gunn says he's decided which office he wants, and leads Wesley across the foyer. We're still in a long tracking shot, by the way. Whedon loves long tracking shots. I like them when they add to what's happening, like the one in the hospital in "Graduation Day, Part 2," but I get the feeling this one is just here because Whedon loves long tracking shots. I mean, it's making the layout of the offices even more confusing than it would otherwise be, because we keep whirling around in circles. Anyway, Gunn offers to switch offices with Wesley if Wesley doesn't like the "the kung pao or whatever." Wesley corrects him: "Feng shui." Gunn asks what that means, and Wesley replies, "That people will believe anything." Heh. It seems like everyone is getting at least one good joke. That's nice. Wesley and Gunn exposition a little about how strange their new circumstances are. Gunn says, "You got the mystical creds, at least. I just hit stuff." He adds that even if they do learn how to use Wolfram & Hart properly, "it's gonna be a long, long while before any of us gets anywhere near comfortable here."
And the camera pulls back so that we can see Cary, who seems to be completely comfortable there, because quotes ironically juxtaposed with events equal sure-fire comedy. Cary's on the phone telling someone, "It's the project you've been waiting for. Yeah, it's Joanie Loves Chachi meets The Sorrow and the Pity. It's Joanie Loves Pity." He pauses long enough to tell a flunky who's showing him carpet samples, "Yeah, that carpet's great, because I want our clients to become dizzy and vomit." As he passes by the elevators, the camera lingers and Angel steps out. Don't get me wrong: it's impressive to do this all in one take, because that takes a lot of work and coordination and timing. But if it's not adding something to what's actually happening, you're just doing a lot of work to impress people with all the work you did. Possibly because you want to draw attention to all the work you did, because you're very, very bitter that you haven't gotten an Emmy. Just a theory.
Anyway, Angel, too, is confused by the double-doored elevators, and finally wanders out to join Gunn and Wesley. He asks if they heard what happened to him last night. Gunn asks, "You got lucky?!" They start to pedeconference as Angel describes the events of the teaser. Angel declares, "If they wanna see how I handle running Wolfram & Hart, they're gonna find out. Everything must go!" He leads them into his office and turns. "Starting with that."
The camera swings around to reveal my old enemy Sarah Thompson sitting on the edge of Angel's desk. Angel's office is completely different from the one he was offered in "Home," not that I care very much. Sarah chirps, "Hi. It's really neat to see you guys," and we finally stop the tracking shot as she apologizes for intruding. Angel guesses, "You like to make an entrance," prompting her to respond, "You always open both doors when you enter a room?" Angel says, "No, I usually just snap 'em off their hinges, because I hate doors." Not really. Sarah introduces herself as Eve, their "liaison to the firm." She adds, "And just so we get the whole irony thing of the way..." tossing a shiny red apple to Angel. That's the second time so far that a person has tossed a thing across a room. Maybe they have a very literal definition of what it takes to be an "action" show. Eve explains that she answers to the Senior Partners, adding that the MoG can't use her to get to them. She non-explains, "I answer to them. I don't lunch with them. Wesley says that's a powerful position for a young woman, in order to prompt Eve's response: "How exactly can you be sure I'm either of those things?" Got me there. Angel says that he thought he was in charge, and it's Eve's turn for exposition as she agrees that Angel's in charge "of the Los Angeles offices of a multi-dimensional corporation." However, she adds, "We're a business, and we have a bottom line." She concedes that the MoG could just kill most of their clients, since a lot of them are evil, but there's a catch: "In order to keep this business running, you have to keep this business running. And that means keeping your clients -- most of them, anyway -- happy." Gunn grumbles about letting their clients get away with things. Eve says, "They were getting away with it while you were all sitting around your hotel waiting for the phone to jangle. You're on the ins now, and you can stop the worst of it." She declares this "a crazy time of fun," and asks if Angel's scared. By way of reply, Angel just bites in the apple, crunchily and dramatically. This is so stupid. While he's still chewing, Eve points out the client files. We cut before he can finally swallow and gasp, "It tastes like...cheese."
We're all clear that Eve's "catch" doesn't make the least little bit of sense, right? If they kill all the evil clients and the Wolfram & Hart goes under, or the branch does...that's a bad thing? It's better to keep the branch running at a profit, which will benefit the entire corporation, and just weed out the top 10% of the baddies so that they can continue weeding out only the top 10% of the baddies. Oh, whatever. I'm just glad that the first season is being syndicated now, because it really gives me some perspective on all this. At least they finally got rid of the visions, right?
Cut to later, as the MoG have gathered in a conference room to look over their list of clients. To establish that what they're learning is disturbing; Fred says, "I think I've lost my appetite, which is kind of a first," because Fred eats a lot. Cary looks up from a folder to say, "Apparently, old Joe Kennedy tried to get out of his deal with the firm." Angel says that explains a lot, and Cary adds, "Yeah, but George Senior -- he read the fine print." Political humor! Edgy! Gunn summarizes the folder he's looking at: "Corbin Fries. On trial for smuggling Asian girls in for cheap labor and prostitution. Been charged with drugs, gun running -- nothing stuck." Angel says he'll have his secretary clear up the piles of folders tomorrow, then pauses to wonder if he has a secretary. Wesley figures, "They'll find you someone who can stomach the idea of working for the side of the righteous." Fred notes that they'll have to watch out for "evildoers plotting against [them]." And with that, it's bedtime. Do Fred and Gunn still live in the Hyperion? Does Wesley ever wonder why his closet is lined with bars? Hm, I'd like to go to some bars right now. Boy, it's hard to pay attention to this show.
Gunn steps back into his office to grab his coat, and finds Eve sitting on his couch. Eve helpfully reminds Gunn that he used to fight vampires with his own gang, and asks if he's ready for "the step." Gunn insists that he is. Eve says, "I can see why the senior partners chose you," causing me to wonder if there's a Post-It taped to his forehead that says, "King of the morons!" With that, she hands him a business card. She exits, saying, "You'll feel like a new man." Wesley is lurking outside, and asks Gunn what Eve meant. Gunn lies, "Tailor. Guess I'm not dressed for success." Has he lost weight? He looks skinny.
Panther-vert. The day, Angel is still sorting through piles of paper and mail. He picks up the envelope we saw in the mail cart, and then tosses it aside before punching a button on his phone and hesitantly asking for a cup of coffee. On the speakerphone, we hear a male voice say, "You have reached ritual sacrifice. For goats, press one, or say 'goats.'" Heh. Angel hangs up and tries a different button. A woman answers, "This is Angel's office. How can I help you?" Angel says, "This is Angel." She insists, "No, this is his new assistant." "Nooo, this is Angel." "Are you sure?" Angel isn't, but nevertheless he asks for coffee, or blood if there is any. He hangs up, but not successfully, and we hear, "To sacrifice a loved one or pet, press the pound key." "I already did that one last season," Angel grumbles, and tries to hang up again. Well, that was fun. The phone rings, and this time it's Wesley asking if he can come talk to Angel about "a situation." The secretary enters and places a mug on Angel's desk while keeping her back to the camera. Angel tells Wesley to come on over, hangs up, and then takes the mug and sips it as he looks up. I cry, "Spit-take in four, three, two..." Angel puts the mug down and doesn't do a spit-take. I can't believe it. It was a perfect set-up for a spit-take. And he would have been doing a spit-take with blood. That's comedy, dammit! Is Jeff Bell even on the show anymore? Sigh. Instead, Angel just stares and finally says, "Harmony." For it is she! Zounds! He asks if she's his secretary. Harmony prefers "assistant." Angel makes an inviting gesture as he suggests, "Explain why I shouldn't kill you." Harmony concedes, "Secretary's fine." Angel doesn't think it is, and wants to know what the heck's going on. He missed Fred's explanation earlier, you know. Harmony burbles, "I'm a single undead gal trying to make it in the big city -- I have to start somewhere. And they're evil here; they don't judge." She also mentions the necrotempered glass that allows vampires to frolic in the daylight, and the dental plan, which she needs because she's a vampire. She goes on, and on, and gets around to claiming that, like Angel, she drinks pig's blood now. Angel smells his mug and notes that it tastes pretty good. Harmony smugs, "The extra ingredient is otter."
Wesley enters and nods to Harmony. Angel's surprised by Wesley's lack of surprise, and asks if he knew Harmony was there. It turns out that Wesley picked Harmony from the steno pool, because he thought "a familiar face would be just the thing in a place like this." Well, that certainly makes...what? Angel sighs, "You turned evil a lot faster than I thought you would." Heh. Harmony insists that it'll be swell, adding, "Cordy is gonna lose it when she finds out!" Oh, Harmony, look what you did. Angel starts a-moping, and finally expositions, "Cordy's sick. She's in a coma." Harmony asks if she'll recover; Angel doesn't know. Nor is he trying to do anything about it. Because that's the kind of guy Angel is. Now. Harmony is upset for several seconds: "Cordy was my best friend, like, my whole life. She's my role model. How can she.... So, anyway, I really think you should not fire me, and Wes does, too." Wesley asks Harmony to ask some visitors into Angel's office, and off she goes. Angel's still moping in a nonproductive way, and Wesley insists that they'll find some way to help Cordelia. Sometime. Maybe. If they're not too busy. I understand that Charisma Carpenter is off the show and they don't want to spend a lot of time talking about that; I understand that they want to establish this new premise quickly, and so I understand that this dangling bit of story would be tricky to handle. But there was actually a simple solution to this problem: Set this episode several months after "Home," and say that the MoG are just starting to work at Wolfram & Hart because they've been trying unsuccessfully to cure Cordelia all summer. You'd have to change maybe ten lines, it wouldn't be any more confusing to new viewers, and your characters wouldn't look quite so much like thoughtless twits. Or you could have only Angel gone for the summer, since that's practically traditional, and then all of the other characters are adjusted to Wolfram & Hart but Angel is still new and asking questions that prompt a lot of exposition. There's probably an even better solution, but that's what I came up with after thinking about it for five minutes. Which was apparently a lot more time than the writers spent on it.
Any. Freaking. Way. Wesley says that he's there about Corbin Fries, the guy Gunn mentioned last night. Fries is on trial now, and it's not going well, so he's a bit grumpy. Yeah, I sympathize, since we're about fifteen minutes into the episode now and I think that we're just about to get some plot. Oh boy! Harmony returns with Fries and a lawyer named Keel. Fries immediately starts huffing like he's trying out for a Scorsese movie: "I bring a lot of money into this firm, more than most, and I don't do that so I can be handed over to the frickin' law." Angel points out that he doesn't have much sympathy for Fries's problems. Fries snits, "You think I give a ferret's anus about your new regime here?" "Ferret's anus"? What? Keel says that "the jury's tamper-proof. Literally. I think one of the D.A.'s shamans has conjured a mystical shield around them." The D.A. has shamans now. Okay. Why don't they all just go work for the D.A. against Wolfram & Hart, then? Fries interjects, "Either you get me off, or I drop the bomb." The what? He repeats, "If they bring in a conviction, bye-bye, California. I say the magic word, the only people left standing are gonna be the ones that are already dead." Harmony sighs, "That's a relief! I mean -- hey!"
Commercials for Tarzan. My grandfather's name was Tarzan. Swear to God.
Cary is screening the Wolfram & Hart employees. He has a bunch of them gathered in a conference room, and an "employee evaluation" form which allows him to grade people on a scale. The categories are "Okay," "On the bubble," "Evil," "To be fired," and "Yikes!" Heh. He calls for Cindy Rabinowitz to begin. A woman in the crowd starts singing "There Once Was a Man" from The Pajama Game.
Cut to Fred's lab. Knox has a wooden duck on wheels which he gestures with while asking Fred for some more exposition. Oh, the duck must be Fred's, too. How whimsical. I hate her, you know. Fred blah blahs about how Cary can read your aura when you sing. Knox offers to go up immediately and sing for Cary if it'll reassure Fred about his lack of evilness. The phone rings, and Fred answers by talking and talking and talking and the person who called waits patiently hoping that she'll have to pause for breath eventually, so then he can tell her to shut up.
Later, Fred and Cary have joined Wesley in Angel's office. Angel says that they don't know what Fries meant by "drop the bomb." Oh, oh, I have a guess! Wesley sniffs that they almost found out, and Angel grumps, "What? I'm not allowed to hit people?" Wesley says, "Not people capable of genocide," and Angel points out, "Those are exactly the types of people I should be allowed to hit!" He's not wrong. Wesley declares that they need to find out what the bomb is, and disable it. Angel suspects that Fries was being literal when he mentioned a "magic word." For no readily apparent reason, they wonder if it's a virus instead of an actual explosive. Wesley tells Fred to look through the lab records in case Wolfram & Hart created the MacGuffin, and tells Cary to go see how the trial is going. Wesley is bossy, isn't he? Harmony enters and says that she's paged Gunn without getting an answer, and that she got Spanky's address. Cary asks who "Spanky" is, and Angel says he's a freelance mystic who's mentioned in Fries's file. Fred asks if Angel can travel by sewer to visit Spanky. "Not this time," Angel says with deep, yet baffling, significance.
Cut to a garage full of vintage cars. Let's just assume they're all fitted with the fucking necrotempered glass. And that wherever Angel is going also has a dark garage. Dammit, I knew they were dumping the Angelmobile. Bastards! And despite the whining about how the show has a teeny budget, they've decided it's worthwhile to give Angel a fleet of flashy sports cars. Although if there are some car chases with explosions, I might be a little bit mollified. Angel coos over the cars for a minute, and then heads for the...er, the yellow one. I know nothing about cars, sorry. Hauser suddenly steps out of the shadows to say, "We got word there's a floater you wanted brought in." They're going fishing? Angel doesn't really want any company, but Hauser whines, "Traditionally, my unit handles all the wet work." See, he doesn't know that Angel is a hands-on boss who likes to do his own killin'. Angel insists on going by himself, and heads back to the cars. Both Johanna and I thought it looked as if he was about to get in the passenger side of the red car on his left, but then at the last minute he remembers that he's not in England, so he opens the car door on his right instead.
Angel knocks on the door of Spanky's apartment. An older guy dressed in army surplus merchandise answers gruffly, and Angel explains that he's from Wolfram & Hart. Spanky perks up and says, "Get your butt in here!" and offers Angel a daiquiri. Angel enters and then looks around the apartment while Spanky pours a drink. We finally see that Angel is looking at an extremely large selection of paddles, whips, and floggers. Angel deadpans, "So tell me, why do they call you 'Spanky'?" and Spanky replies, "I'm a big Our Gang fan." I'm so very tired for some reason. You know, jokes, like metaphors, require a delicate touch. Closer to feathers than to paddles, if you see what I mean. Spanky explains that, while he doesn't have anything against the concept, he personally doesn't spank men. Since that line was wedged into the scene with a crowbar, you might suspect that it is setting something up. Let's find out if you're right. Spanky adds, "When you said Wolfram & Hart, I assumed you were here about a mystical job." Angel says that he is, and explains that he wants to know what Spanky did for Fries. Spanky claims "mystic-client privilege," and then Angel makes with the underwhelming threats. I think he's almost as tired as I am. Poor guy. Spanky finally admits that he constructed a mystical vessel for Fries. Angel asks if it could hold a bomb, and Spanky says that's possible: "I don't know what he wanted it for. The vessel just holds it until the magic word dissolves the vessel." Angel asks where Spanky placed the vessel, which is interesting, since there's been no indication that Spanky had to install it like a wall safe. Why couldn't he just deliver it to Fries, and then Fries could have put it wherever he wanted? But wouldn't you know, Angel has jumped to the correct conclusion again, and I guess that's why he's the one running a demonic law firm and I'm not. Or maybe that's why he's the fictional character and I'm not. Wait, I'm not, right? Okay. Where was I? Ah, yes. Spanky reacts to Angel's question by suddenly putting him in a headlock and explaining, "You know what I'm doing now? I'm applying pressure to your windpipe. You'll pass out, and then I'll let Mr. Fries decide if he wants you to wake up again." Angel replies, "Do you know what I'm doing now? Not using my windpipe." I understand that he doesn't need to breathe to...er, "live," but how exactly is he talking? Angel twists Spanky's arm (literally) and Spanky realizes that Angel's a vampire. Angel grabs one of the large paddles and swats Spanky across the room with it, adding, "I have no problem spanking men." Y'know, it's like Whedon watched all of the past season premieres and learned all the wrong lessons from them. "People really liked 'Deep Down,' and that had some kink, so...."
Meanwhile, Gunn sits in a tacky wood-paneled reception area, listening to Muzak. A doctor enters and calls Gunn. Banter about the age of the magazines in the waiting room ensues, and we establish that Gunn has been waiting for five hours. That, just by itself, doesn't seem particularly like something Gunn would do, but maybe he's been beaten down so much that it's hard to really care about what he could be doing instead of sitting there, killing time miserably, just waiting for something even worse to happen. I might be projecting again. Oh, but it's great to know that if Gunn goes missing for a day, the rest of the MoG will notice, but they won't do more than shrug about it. I'd sure trust my life to these people. As Gunn follows the doctor into the office, the doctor asks if he's nervous. Inside, Gunn stares around at a large variety of ugly gadgets and says, "No. Definitely past nervous here." The doctor says that Gunn spoke with "the conduit," and Gunn insists, "That's between me and the big cat." I like how he said that. Very matter-of-fact. The doctor asks Gunn to take off his shirt. And of course, we immediately cut away. I scream, "Bastards!" Now they're just taunting me.
The camera glides along a catwalk on an upper level as we watch Fred and Wesley walking below us and way, way off in the distance. Where are my opera glasses? Fred says that they've identified a few diseases that Fries might have taken, but there's no antidote for them. She sighs, "I'm trying, Wesley." By now, they've reached the staircase, and the camera stays perched on top so they're still pretty far away. It's certainly a nice composition, with the stair railing leading your eye down, but I keep waiting for Grover to start explaining, "Now I am near...and now I am far," because then there'd be a reason to keep the actors as far away from the camera as possible. But then again, it is Fred and Wesley. Maybe they're trying to spare me for a change. Wesley says, "I'm not doing much better. I can't disable the trigger if I don't know the magic word." So when he says he's not doing much better, he means he's not really accomplishing anything at all. It's "not much better" in the sense that it's actually "even worse." Fred and Wesley comment on how upset Angel seems to be by the whole thing. Because normally he's pretty calm about the possibility of millions of people dying horrible, agonizing deaths. They take a moment, and then Fred heads upstairs as Wesley walks off.
Angel's leaning over his desk to brood. Eve enters and asks if he's having a tough day. Angel mutters, "His son. He took a lethal virus, and he stuck it inside his son." Eve takes her cue to explain that Angel gave up his own son, explaining, "He's happy and well-adjusted now that he has no memory of you," heh, "and the rest of the world, including your best friends, never even heard of Connor." Angel snaps, "That's not a name I want passing through your lips." Eve asks what he would like passing through her lips. Oy. Angel says, "News flash: you're not cute when I'm angry." What a bad line. And now, back to the plot: Angel says he'll isolate the kid to keep the virus from spreading. Eve says, "If every case hits you this hard, you're not gonna last a week." Well, how likely is it that every single case they have will involve terrible fath-- wait, this is Whedon's only show now? Okay, forget I asked that. Angel tells Eve to stay away until he asks for her, adding, "I don't want to hear another word right now unless you decide to start helping out." Eve smirks, "How do you know I'm not?" Well, the lack of help is kind of a clue.
Back to the lab. The desk is now covered with lovely photos of disease victims, and also leftover Chinese food. I could go for some crab rangoon right now. Blah blah viruscakes, Knox says he'll ask someone to run some tests. Fred flips out at the fact that her staff isn't taking their impending death very seriously. She rants at them for a minute, concluding, "When blood starts streaming out of our noses, eye sockets, and fingernails, I'll have the intense satisfaction of knowing that I'm dying with the only people in the world that actually deserve it! Now, focus, people!" I understand that she's stressed out, and maybe the people she's supervising aren't paying attention to anything she says, but does that mean she should go on a little tirade like that? Hang on, I just thought of a comparable situation, and now I'm pretty sure that yes, she should. And she should bump up their warn levels, too. You can't catch me that easily.
Cut to Fries's trial. Cary is sitting in the back, in "disguise." He's wearing his fedora, and gloves, and sunglasses. But he's still bright green. Yes, it worked fine in Vegas, but there are many differences between the Vegas strip and a Los Angeles courtroom. Most of the people working in Vegas have to be competent at their jobs, for example. Keel is objecting to something, and the judge is mocking him. Cary steps outside and phones Angel. He says, "I'm gonna go ahead and recommend we get that boy into isolation pronto." Angel asks if Fries looks ready to "say the word." I want to know what the word is. Cary says that Fries knows he's dead meat. Angel tells Cary to stay put, and says he'll head over to Matt's school.
Cut to the inside of a completely inconspicuous black surveillance van, where Hauser & Co. are listening in on the phone conversation. Hauser tells his troops, "Let's show the new boss how a threat is contained." He adds that they'll take out the entire classroom, and anyone nearby: "No survivors, no witnesses." Angel's problem is, at least on paper, interesting enough without adding in these clowns. But I guess he couldn't have a big fight in the last act unless there were some unambiguously evil people around to keep things dull.
Commercials. Johanna notes, "I don't think they have a very efficient use of space at Wolfram & Hart."
In Angel's office, Wesley says that it could take days for Fred's team to come up with an antidote, and that he's no closer to finding a way to remove the vessel from the kid. Angel says he has to get to the school. Harmony has to interrupt a few times before they allow her to mention that Hauser's team left for the school ten minutes ago. She says, "They called for the cleaners to meet there. I have it from some of the girls [that] 'cleaners' means a big job. Lots of bodies." Wesley says Angel won't be able to get the school in time. But dammit, Angel has to try! Harmony again tries to interrupt.
The inconspicuous big black van races along the street.
At the school, the class is still in session.
Wesley enters the courtroom and sits down to Cary. Wow, he got there in no time at all. So the court is, like, door to the Wolfram & Hart building? Or maybe Angel dropped him out of the helicopter as they passed over the courthouse. Oh look, I gave away the joke. Shame. Wesley asks how it's going, and then sees Fries glaring at them and says, "Never mind." Cary asks what the plan is, and Wesley pulls his jacket open to show a pistol. Wesley likes guns. And the courthouse has shitty security.
Cut to the school as the inconspicuous black van arrives and a bunch of inconspicuous ninja leap out and race into the building. Now wearing gas masks, they head straight to Matt's classroom, because the Wolfram & Hart files are incredibly detailed. One kicks the door open, and two others toss gas canisters into the room. They hurry inside and line up neatly along one wall, with their guns aimed at...empty desks. Wait, not entirely empty: Angel is sitting casually at one desk in the back of the room. He cheerily greets the ninja by saying, "So it turns out [that] with this new deal and all, I own a helicopter!" With necrotempered windows, I assume. And he landed it in the underground helipad at the elementary school. Fine. Hauser asks where Matt is, and Angel says that the ninja just missed him. Because along with the helicopter, Angel also has the ability and authority to evacuate a school in moments, without any difficulty. In Los Angeles. In 2003. The whole "How will Angel get to the school in time?" question seems to have been created solely to distract us from the "What exactly is he going to do when he gets there?" question, because answering that second one would take more than a punchline. Hauser guesses that Matt is isolated somewhere nearby. Angel asks, "Do I even have to start with how fired you all are?" Hauser laughs and removes his gas mask, insisting, "That's not how it works." Angel asks if Hauser wants to show him one of their traditions. Hauser does, and orders his troops to open fire. On Angel. The vampire. Now, the ninja should already know this, but just in case the audience doesn't, gunshots won't kill Angel. Bullets are sprayed all over the place, and luckily none of them breaks a window. Although Angel did think long enough to let the blinds down. Angel ducks behind the teacher's desk until the ninja get bored with the gratuitous gunfire. Finally, one ninja pulls out a wooden knife, which shows a little more sense, and approaches the desk. Angel, in vamp-face, knocks him out, and then there's some more gunfire and neck-snappage and desk-fu. Another ninja pulls out a little canteen marked with a cross, and they waited till now to pull out the holy water? It's not that they're evil; they should be fired for incompetence. Angel kicks it away, and then there's a lot of kicking and a whirling-dervish kick, and so on and so forth.
Lawyerly shoes walk down the hall to the courtroom. Who is this mysterious person? We pan up slowly, but once we hit the hands the camera hurries on to the face, because after all, there's only one black man in Los Angeles, and his name is Gunn. And he's got a nice pinstripe suit now! He marches into the courtroom and requests a moment to confer with Keel. The judge grumbles, "Another defense lawyer. What a joy." Gunn whispers to Keel, and Keely then cedes the floor to Gunn. Gunn promptly moves for a mistrial. The judge asks what the grounds are. Oh my god I'm so bored. Gunn takes a while to explain that Fries is one of the owners of a company that the judge has stock in. The judge insists that she couldn't have known that, but Gunn replies, "I found out, and I've been on the case six hours." He spews some more legal stuff. The judge finally says, "I'll see counsel in my chambers. Right now." We're clear that "mistrial" doesn't mean "not guilty," correct? Fries looks back a little more happily at Wesley and Cary, so maybe he doesn't know that.
Angel is still fighting the ninja. Man, and I thought the courtroom was dull. At last, only Hauser is left, aiming a shotgun at Angel. Angel devamps and reminds Hauser that the gun won't kill him. Hauser says, "It'll hurt. That part's fun." Then Hauser decides that a long speech will hurt even more, and he's right, but what did I ever do to him? One of the collapsed ninjas wakes up and pulls his mask off so that he can listen as Hauser asks if Angel believes that he can make everything right at Wolfram & Hart. He sneers, "You pathetic little fairy." Angel sniffs, "I'm not little." On a side-note, can I just repeat something I said a while ago: for there to be homoeroticism, there must be some eroticism. Jokes that rely on "Ha! That means gay!" for a punchline aren't homoeroticism, they're just leftovers from Will & Grace scripts. Hauser goes on talking, and talking, saying, "I am something you will never be. I'm pure. I believe in evil. You and your friends -- you're conflicted, you're confused. We're not. That is why you are gonna lose, because we possess the most powerful thing in the world: conviction." Finally, we have a title! Woo! Angel insists that there's one thing more powerful than conviction. I write down, "If he says 'hope,' I quit." Luckily (?) he says "Mercy" instead. Any typos in this recap are due to the fact that I still haven't been able to stop rolling my eyes. Then Angel kicks the shotgun up so that it lodges under Hauser's chin, and then I guess Hauser jerks his finger, because: kerpow. Hauser's body collapses. As Angel walks down the hall, the remaining ninja gasps, "What happened to mercy?" Angel grunts, "You just saw the last of it." What? What? So it's more powerful than conviction, but Angel doesn't plan to use it, so seriously, what?
Eve-vert. Eve and the MoG have gathered in Angel's office yet again. Eve explains that they enhanced Gunn by giving him "a comprehensive knowledge of the law." Gunn snips the end off a cigar while the others wonder why Gunn didn't get their opinion of the idea. Gunn insists that he's not evil: "All I got stuck in my head was the law. And for some reason, a messload of Gilbert and Sullivan." Eve says that's standard: "Great for elocution." Angel asks how Gunn can be sure, but Gunn says that the man in the white room doesn't lie. Fred is wearing a miniskirt and ankle boots, but no stockings. I think that's actually a fashionable look right now, but it shouldn't be. Eve says, "You needed a lawyer to get by here." Oh lawd, this gets more terrifying every minute. "Charles had the most unused potential." Eaaaaaah! Don't use that word! That scared the crap outta me. She adds, "His degrees are all forged, but he's the real deal." Gunn offers to sing for Cary as a test of his intentions, and Eve points out that Gunn saved the day non-violently. After a final "Yay, team," she exits with more hip-wiggling than seems strictly necessary.
Cary notes, "'Saving the day' meant getting the scumbag who was ready to sacrifice his own son off on a technicality, and then returning said son to said scumbag." Wesley says that they have time to undo the spell now, so li'l Matt will be just fine. And there's no reason to think that Fries will use that time to do something else horrific to protect himself! Because it's not like he could have even more of that virus! Gunn adds that he can postpone the new trial for months, and during that time Fries will have to be, I guess, slightly less evil. Fred wonders if they're going to be able to accomplish anything at Wolfram & Hart, but Angel insists that they will: "We came to Wolfram & Hart because it's a powerful weapon, and we'll figure out how to wield it." This is reassuring? He adds, "Sooner or later, they'll tip their hand, and we'll find out why they really brought us here." Oh, yeah. Because having you hamstrung and even stupider than usual isn't a good goal in itself. He grabs that mysterious envelope from off of his desk and waves it around as she suggests taking things one at a time. He rips the envelope open as he concludes, "We deal with whatever happens ." The Amulet of Assitude drops out of the envelope and onto the floor. I'll be the first to admit that it wasn't a particularly witty name for the thing, but it's certainly proved to be accurate. The amulet starts glowing, and the MoG back away from it nervously. A dusty cloud whirls up with a scattering of Christmas tree lights, and solidifies into a body. And then there's a guy with bleached hair and a leather duster screaming in the middle of the room. He glares around. Wesley stares at their visitor and says, "Spike?" Is he planning to build a railroad? Angel grrs, "Spike." Harmony pokes her head into the office and chirps, "Blondie-bear?" Oh, Spike! I remember him now. But how can they be sure it's him and not that other guy? A title card reads "To be continued..." so I guess we'll find out.
week, Angel and that other guy are "the new dream team." And there's a hard-rockin' score to the promo that is just hilarious, but it's probably not meant to be. Okay, you finally got me. I admit it; I'm finally genuinely sorry that Firefly was cancelled.