Props to DeKnight, il miglior fabbro.
April is the cruelest month, breeding reruns out of the dead air, mixing reality and contrivance, stirring dull line-ups with spring premieres. Am I right, people? Previously on Angel, Darla gave Angel a handful of dust, Cordy was looking into the heart of light, Satan surprised us with a shower of fire, and Cordelia fell for the old "Cary's going to do a spell in a secluded location" trick.
As usual, we start moments after last week's episode ended. Angel declares, "All this time, it was you, wasn't it?" While Cary pulls out a little collapsible crossbow, Cordy claims that at one time she would have seen the trap miles away, but she sensed the audience was getting impatient so she figured it was time to slip up. She asks, "What finally tipped off the Great Detective?" Is Sherlock Holmes on this show now, too? I lost track of who's in the cast several months ago. Angel answers, "Tongue. Slip of." Talking backwards he is why? Flashback to last week, when Cordy described her parasite as "my sweet baby." Back to Angel, who's gone all Atticus as he says, "'My sweet.' Same phrase [the Forced Evil] kept using." I'd make fun of the damning evidence, but it looks so pretty fluttering around in the breeze like that. Wesley adds that her wording was the final blow: "What we already knew, what he found out as Angelus -- all the circumstantial [sic] led to you." If you say so. Cordy smirks, "Little late to the table, but I might have a few scraps left." Fred asks Cordy why she did it, and Angel insists that "it" isn't Cordelia at all. Cordy grins, "Maybe you just don't know me very well." Angel steps closer to her, and she tries to attack him with the dagger. Angel swats her arm away and grabs her by the throat, growling, "Where's Cordelia?"
Connor surprises them, coming down from the ceiling in a shower of glass. Is there a skylight in this pipe-filled basement? Are they in a basement? I need more context. Connor does a backflip as Angel -- who has stupidly released Cordy -- shouts, "Wait, Cordy's not what you think!" Connor tosses Angel into Wesley. Cary fires the crossbow at Connor, who dodges and knocks Cary down. As Angel gets up, Connor does a neat little thing where he wraps Fred's arm around himself and fires the tranq gun she's holding at Angel. Then Connor backhands Fred. I like that kid. Connor grabs Cordy's hand and they run away. Cordy looks back to smirk in slow motion as Angel collapses. The Magic 8-Ball rolls across the floor toward Angel, and then into the camera. It reads, "Ask again later." Heh.
Credits. I call Johanna, and she says that they used the joke I made about the 8-Ball saying "Ask again later." I point out that I didn't make any joke like that, although I probably would have if it had occurred to me. She wonders where she saw that joke. I think she's reading other Angel recaps behind my back. I feel betrayed. This week's Boreanaz quote is one that I was saving for the finale, because it's been providing me with hysterical giggles for a couple of years now. But it fits this episode so nicely that I have to use it now. Ready? "I bless my parents that I crawled out of my mommy. It's all my parents; they're the people that created me, so you take that for what it is." You can probably stop reading now, because I'm not going to be able to come up with anything funnier than that. Ever.
For the five remaining readers...Gunn enters the lobby with a phone in hand, explaining, "I just got your message -- being close to electric Gwen can really screw your equipment." Hee hee. I missed that the first time. Gunn noti-- hee! That's so dumb. Heh. Okay, I'm back. Gunn notices that Fred's holding a bag of ice on her chin, and asks what happened. Fred snits, "Cordy's evil. Nice suit." Angel grumps that Cordy isn't Cordy, but Wesley isn't sure. Gunn asks if Connor and Cordy attacked them. Cary says, "Kid Vicious did the heavy lifting; Cordy just mwah-ha-ha-ed at us." Angel explains that Cordy is the Forced Evil. Actually, he calls her "Beastmaster," but I'm not going to because I've heard that if you say that three times, Marc Singer appears. Gunn says, "Guy steps out for a few hours, half the place goes super-villain." Angel insists that Connor's "just...confused. Again."
Gunn, boggled, asks when this happened, and snags the drink Cary's holding. Fred wonders if Cordy's been evil ever since she mysteriously reappeared. Cary grabs his drink back from Gunn with a peeved look as Gunn asks if Cordy's amnesia was a trick. Angel speculates that something "crawled deep inside for the trip" back from glowland. He adds that the carnage began with Cary's memory spell. Flashback of Cary giving Cordelia the memory-restoring hummus. Cary realizes that the stuff he saw when he read Cordy wasn't her future, but "the smackerjack surprise." Angel takes a turn on the wheel of exposition, and describes how the Forced Evil spiked his blood at Gwen's and killed Manny. We see a pseudo-flashback of Manny sitting in Gwen's vault, and then Cordy swinging an axe. Gunn interrupts to ask how Cordy could have done that without getting blood on her clothes. Wesley says, "Lizzie Borden. It wasn't wearing any." That's not quite the non sequitur it seems, since apparently there was a theory that Borden killed her father and stepmother while naked. It's not a popular theory, perhaps because she was discovered burning a dress three days after the murders. There's your trivia for this recap. We repeat the pseudo-flashback, but this time Cordy's naked. Hee. Gunn says "Quick sponge-bath in the sink..." and Cary finishes, "Voilà. Shower-fresh murder." Angel moves on to the murder of the Svear family. Another maniacal Cordy shot, and cut to the bodies of the victims. , we see Cordy opening the safe as Angel describes how she stole his jar o' soul. Fred asks about the first re-souling spell they did. Angel says it was misdirection: Pseudo-flashback of Angelus being lifted by the magical clouds during the spell, and a new shot of Cary's eyes glowing red for a second. Cary figures that's why he misread Angelus. Angel winds up his story with Cordy letting him out of the cage, and some flashbacks of Cordy grabbing and stabbing Lilah, as he summarizes, "All designed to keep us off balance." I guess Wesley saw the flashbacks too, because he suddenly says, "It was Cordelia. She murdered Lilah." It's like they're thinking, but they're actually just jumping to random conclusions. Plus, nobody has wondered why Cordelia wanted Angelus around in the first place. If it was just to distract them, okay, although most of her actions to hide Angelus are what probably aroused their suspicions. Angel repeats, "We don't know if it's really Cordy." Fred adds, "Or what she's got baking in her oven." Gunn chirps, "Evil and pregnant? I'm guessing it ain't cookies."
Blipvert. Cordy and Connor enter yet another hideout. Or a different part of the old one. It's not important. Cordy reassures Connor that it'll all work out, but he's still shocked that Angel wanted to kill her. He gets an idea: "Maybe it wasn't really Angel! Angelus could have tricked us again, and --" Wow, everybody's practically thinking in this episode. It's freaky. Cordy tells Connor to let go of the straws, and Connor goes back to brooding over what a jerk his dad is. Cordy sadly explains, "Lies. Meant to keep you in your place, where he can watch you, control you." Connor can't believe that the rest of the MoG were in on it: "I thought they were..." Gardeners? "Good." Oh. Cordy goes all deconstructionist as she tells Connor that good and evil are just words the MoG used to order him around. Cordy reminds him, "You're with me now; you don't have to live by their rules. You remember why?" Connor rather bitterly says, "Because we're special." Cordy ignores his tone and simply adds that their baby will be the mostest specialest baby ever. I'm starting to wonder if they're satirizing Baby Boomers with these two.
Blipvert. Fred has gone through Cordy's room, looking for Evil Clues, but no luck. Angel, meanwhile, has pulled the old hockey puck out of a desk. Angel tells Fred and Gunn to keep looking while he's gone. He says, "If I'm not back in a couple of hours --" "You're dead, we're screwed, end of the world," Gunn says stoically. Fred adds that Angel could stay with them. Angel cheerfully says he's done this before, and that it's "a walk in the park."
A demon is knocked into a wall and collapses. Angel shakes off the punch and grumbles, "I really hate the park." He picks up the demon's sword and moves on.
Angel descends the stairs into Billy's former prison. Torches light a throne facing away from the stairs. Angel sneaks up to the throne and prepares to attack, but Skip jumps up in surprise and reintroduces himself for the benefit of new viewers, like there are any. He also offers Angel some buffalo wings and says, "The game's on in five if you wanted to --" But Skip doesn't live here! He commutes, remember? I suppose the location of Skip's home isn't really the most pressing continuity issue. And he could have been lying about that, all things considered. Fine. Angel asks when Skip last saw Cordelia, explaining, "She told me that you were her guide when she decided to become half-demon." Skip tries to prepare Angel before he says, "This is gonna be really hard for you to accept, but Cordelia has ascended to a higher plane." Angel dryly explains that Cordy, or something that looks like her, is back. Skip insists, "Nobody comes back from paradise! Okay, a Slayer once, but that..." I had not thought death had been undone so many times. Skip claims that Cordy's ascension was beautiful, so I'm guessing that his hidden weakness is a vulnerability to clichés. Angel is surprised to hear that Skip saw the ascension, too, and wonders why Skip wouldn't have been there for Cordy's return. Skip puts it down to "mysterious ways," but Angel wonders if TPTB wanted to keep Skip from warning Angel about Cordy's return. Angel quickly notes that only the Forced Evil would have wanted it to be a surprise. Well, he's thinking, which is nice, but trying to follow his logic is giving me vertigo. For whatever reason, Angel figures that the Forced Evil needed Cordy to ascend in order to work its magic. He tells Skip, "Either you've been played for a dupe, like the rest of us, or you've been in on this from the start...Skippy." Skip and Angel chuckle, and Skip finally says, "Whatever's going on, I'm telling you true --" Skip extrudes a pointy thing from his arm and finishes, "Not a dupe!" Skip can't stand up very well under interrogation. Or possibly he's lost interest. I could see how that would happen.
Cordy's gone back to the chanting. She sits cross-legged on the floor in a circle of candles. Her outfit looks especially silly when she's sitting on the floor and has to pull it up so it's not tangled in her legs. I guess most outfits would look odd in that situation, though. Connor watches unhappily.
In the room, the girl is in a corner, her hands bound. She opens her eyes suddenly, and sees Connor kneeling in front of her. He offers her water, and she instantly bursts into tears and begs to be let go. It doesn't take her any time at all to process what's happening; she just opens her eyes and starts crying. I mean, she's got reason, but, well, I'm petty. She wails, "My mom's gonna be so mad!" and I like the fact that her mention of a family seems to pain Connor. He apologizes to her, and then an echoey voice says, "Listen." Connor looks around suspiciously and asks if someone's there. The echoey voice is more clearly Darla's this time, and she says, "I've always been here. Close to your heart." Just to the left of the aorta. She continues, "After all --" and then materializes in a pale dress and white sweater. "Isn't that where a mother belongs?" She smiles us into the commercials. Parents always drop in right when you're doing something embarrassing, don't they?
When we return, Darla claims, "The Powers have sent me to give you a message." Connor, shell-shocked, says she's not his mother. She replies, "I have her memories, her feelings. Isn't that what makes a person who they are?" Interesting question. And interesting way of avoiding Connor's question. The girl goes back to crying and begging to be let go. Darla looks at the girl curiously and says, "I know that sound." Darla squats to the girl and says Darla nurtured fear "in all the people that [Darla] murdered." Connor whispers, "My mother's dead." The girl looks up at him, startled, at which point it becomes clear that she can't see Darla, and I start thinking it'd be pretty damn funny if Darla was The First. Maybe The First moonlights for TPTB while it's waiting for something to happen on the other show. Darla goes on about how she shared Connor's soul when he was inside her, which I still find ridiculous. She says, "You brought light to my shadow, filled my heart with joy and love, and caused me to make really dopey sentimental speeches like this one." Bah. Connor asks if Darla killed herself because she hated him. For the benefit of the understandably confused, I'll point out that Holtz doesn't know why Darla staked herself, and only Angel heard her rooftop speech about the glories of motherhood. I'm not sure Angel's had a chance to tell Connor about the details of his birth, and even if he had, I don't know if telling Connor "your horribly evil undead mom loved you so much she killed herself" would really cheer the kid up. Darla explains that she did what she needed to do: "My life for yours." She repeats her line about how Connor was the only good thing she ever did, and says, "I'd die every day for the rest of eternity for you." I'm sure she means that nicely and everything, but perhaps she should tone it down. Darla looks at the girl and asks, "And this is how you repay me?" Connor, resigned, says, "We need her for our baby. To keep it safe." Darla hisses, "By anointing it in the blood of an innocent? You really think that safety can be plucked from the arms of an evil deed?" I guess dying four times makes you a little more poetic. Connor quotes Cordy: "Good, evil. They're just words." Darla begs Connor, "Don't let my death mean nothing." I think the meaning of her death is her problem.
Skip insists that nothing he says will change what will happen. Angel asks what is controlling Cordy. Skip says, "To give it voice would rend your feeble brain into a quivering mass of --" Angel says that nobody will notice the difference. No, he just asks Fred to get the torture-sphere ready. Skip confesses that it doesn't have a name. Gunn asks what Skip calls it, and Skip says, "Y'know, 'Master' or 'Hey'..." Angel grumbles that Cordy's vision-girl stint proved to TPTB that she was worthy. Wesley suggests, "Unless it maneuvered her to inherit the visions in the first place." Skip says, "The rubes are catching up." Man, he cannot keep a secret for anything. Angel guesses that everything Cordy's been through in the past few years was part of the plan. Skip says it wasn't just Cordy: "Do you have any concept of how many lines have to intersect in order for a thing like this to play out?" He addresses the MoG in turn, and refers to Cary's arrival in this world, Gunn's sister, Fred's visit to Pylea, and Wesley's relationship with Lilah. He concludes, "I love a story with scope." It leaves your breath minty, too. Gunn asserts his free will, and Skip says, "Sure, a cheese sandwich here. When to floss. But the big stuff...Two vampires squeezing out a kid." Angel guesses that Connor was intended "to create a vessel" and guesses, "Being inside a human makes [the Forced Evil] vulnerable, doesn't it? That's why it had to stay hidden -- why it had to create something stronger to pour itself into." Gunn, understandably confused, asks if the Forced Evil took Cordy over so that it could "give birth...to itself?" Skip says that's the circle of life. Heh. Angel asks how they can stop it. Skip says that's a snap: "All you gotta do is find Cordelia, and chop her head off." Angel wants alternatives, so Skip admits that any fatal wound will do the trick. Angel grumps, "A way that won't kill Cordy in the process!" Skip explains, "It takes a whole lot of crammin' to get that much sweetness into a human." I bet it involves the same magic they use to pump extra calcium into plasticized pseudo-cheese food products. Skip says that every part of Cordy is suffused with cheese -- sorry, I mean "with the Forced Evil," "and it ain't letting go 'till it got [sic] a brand new bag." Fred asks what'll happen to Cordy after the birth. Skip says that the birth will drain her "life force." Angel asks if that will kill her, and I know he probably doesn't have much life force himself, but doesn't it sound like an important thing for living creatures to have? Skip answers, "Or she'll end up a head of cabbage."
Angel and Connor keep fighting. Okay, my other quibble is that because of the back-and-forth between battles, we don't have enough time to think about what's happening in this fight. I mean, Angel must have realized that he might have to kill his son in order to kill Cordelia, and that just makes everything suckier, but it's never mentioned, and we don't have time to do anything but think, "Hey, superheroes are fighting!" Angel quickly hurls Connor into a door as he says, "You think I want to do this? I don't have a choice!" He picks up the sword and stands over a moaning Cordy. Angel raises the sword. Connor starts to get up as Angel says, "I'm so sorry." Cordy screams, and as Angel moves to strike, light blazes out from Cordy's belly. Angel and Connor are knocked down. Prismatic light fills the shot, and the silhouette of something with tentacles is visible. The tentacles gradually coalesce. Johanna says, "Connor is thinking that as long as it has ten tentacles and ten horns, he's happy." Connor and Angel stare, bewildered, as the light fades to reveal Zoe, from...oh, you know, that science fiction show. That show that got cancelled. Remember? No, I mean this season. The name started with "F." No, the one on Fox. No, not the one with the robot who drinks and smokes; I'm talking about the show that didn't make any sense. Yeah, that's the one. Anyway. Angel looks at Cordy, who moans and falls unconscious. He quickly grabs the sword and jumps up to attack, then stops suddenly and gasps, "Omigod." California is finally rubbing off on him. Angel falls to his knees, and Connor does the same. "You're beautiful," Angel sighs. Zoe smiles prettily and says, "Angel." Shantih.
week, Zoe starts a twelve-step program, and Fred gets some really nasty outfits.