Wesley vs. Darth Burger

S03E15

Previously on Angel: Angelus and Darla killed Holtz's family a long, long time ago; time-twisting demon Sahjhan brought Holtz to modern Los Angeles to kill Angel, but Holtz decided to change tactics when he discovered Angel had a son; Holtz recruited Justine to his mysterious cause and ordered her to recruit others who had lost loved ones to vampires; Angel sent Cordelia away with a wad of cash and the Groosalugg so that they could have a good time together -- or at least a very, very, very bad time (wink, wink. Also, Cordelia? You might want to steer clear of West Hollywood with Groo. Just a suggestion.); Wesley translated a prophecy that read, "The father will kill the son," and for some reason thought this applied to Angel and baby Connor.

The sun rises on the Hyperion. Wesley has fallen asleep at his desk on top of a pile of papers. I'm sure his drool is going to make those dead languages so much easier to translate. Fred and Gunn wander in; Gunn sees Wesley and comments, "You've got to admire his loyalty." Wow, they didn't waste any time with the anvils, did they? Gunn blathers on that Wesley's been spending all his time studying, and concludes that Wesley needs a life. Yeah, who cares about some silly prophecies? They're always talking about the world ending, but has it? Fred reminds Gunn (and the rest of us) that Wesley was researching information about Connor. Didn't they watch the previouslies? We already heard. Put down the anvils and pay attention, guys.

Fred reaches out to the desk to see if Wesley has uncovered anything interesting. Her actions awaken Wesley, and he brusquely orders Fred not to touch anything. He claims that the papers are in a particular order, and he doesn't want to be lost. Or any more lost than he normally is. He blinks owlishly as he gets his bearings, sporting a day's worth of stubble. Perhaps he'll go into the bathroom to clean up and discover "JOHN G. RAPED AND MURDERED YOUR WIFE" tattooed onto his chest. He has that look about him at the moment. Wesley asks them what time it is, which is Angel's cue to come by in full dork mode, holding Connor and telling Wesley it's time to "wakey-wakey." Anvils and baby talk. I don't like where this is going so far. Wesley gathers his papers and mutters that he had planned to go home. They blather some more. Gunn asks Wesley whether he's found any answers in his books. Angel oddly responds that "[Wesley] already knows the answers. He's just looking for the questions." Wesley doesn't notice the oddness of Angel's statement, and asks after Cordelia. Angel interrupts Wesley to ask him if he wants to see a new trick he taught Connor. Angel slips into his game face and says, earnestly, "I'm teaching him how to die!" as he bares his fangs, leans toward the baby, and takes a big bite. And it looks like they used the actual baby up until the point where Angel actually starts eating him, so I hope the poor thing doesn't grow up scarred for life. The baby actor, I mean, because I can only hope Connor doesn't live long enough to have scars. Wesley looks on in shock as Fred and Gunn smile at Angel in satisfaction. No doubt those two are intended to represent us during this scene. Wesley looks down to see blood welling up from the pages of the book his hands are resting on. He looks up at a smiling Fred and Gunn. Gunn says in super-deep slow motion, "Running out of time. Running out of time." Because the party to celebrate Connor's not-timely-enough demise is going to start any minute. He looks back over to Angel, who pulls his head up to show Wesley the blood dripping from his fangs. Wesley pulls his hands away from the books to look at the blood on them. Hmmm...the blood on his hands. Is that some sort of metaphor?

In any event, who cares? Connor's dead! Sing a happy song and dance about! Set off firecrackers in your driveway! Gorge yourself on Black Forrest cake! Get drunk and have sex with a stranger! Throw a champagne flute into your fireplace! Shoot your AK-47s directly into the air with absolutely no concern where the bullets may land! Connor's dead! The horrible little creature is...

...Aw, CRAP! It was just a dream. Wesley was just dreaming after he fell asleep at his desk. Connor's not a demon, not yet a sandwich. The folks at Mutant Enemy still know how to mess with our heads. Seduced and abandoned yet again. Angel comes in holding the nasty little plot-eater, looking more concerned and less dorky. He asks whether Wesley's been there all night. Wesley looks confused, as usual.

Credits. I really like the theme song for Angel. Don't tell anyone. The Verizon ad is back. Since Strega missed it last week, I'll recap. Right after the final shot in the credits of Angel walking down a dark alley, we see the Verizon guy at the entrance of that same alley on his cell phone, asking the person on the other end, "Can you hear me now?" He wanders through the dark lobby of the Hyperion and into the elevator, repeating the question. I'll pay money for Angel to eat him, too, even though he has the exact level of nerdiness that I find alluring. Shut up.

We return from commercials to a close-up of a crying, fussy baby. Now they're just rubbing it in. We're in a hospital waiting room; two women, each with a baby to call her own, are whining about how hard it is to get their colicky kiddies to go to sleep. I find giving them a nice dry-cleaning bag to nuzzle helps. Suddenly, we hear Angel's voice ask, "Have you tried the vacuum?" Angel's there with Connor, and Wesley's with them because Connor has two daddies or something. I don't know. I guess Wesley thinks that there's something he could actually do if Angel tries to eat Connor. Perhaps stammer and trip over something? That's what he usually does. Angel and the women blather on about vacuums and white noise, and I don't care and neither should you. The women are impressed by Angel's parental skills, and one of them calls him "Mr. Dad." The joke (and the movie) is "Mr. Mom." I mean, wouldn't you expect a dad to be a mister? After one of the women gets called away, Angel dorks out and brags to Wesley that they called him "Mr. Dad." Angel strikes me one of those dads who expects a parade every time he wipes the baby's nose while actually only participating in 10% of the baby's care. Wesley, on the other hand, is still unkempt and unshaven and looks like the parent who wanders around the house in a bathrobe because all his clothes have baby vomit on them, but he never has time to do the laundry because little Connor needs his formula right now or he's going to die from screaming until his heart bursts. Angel finally notices that Wesley looks like crap and asks him if he's okay. Wesley morosely tells him that he's working on a difficult translation. Angel asks Wesley if he's found out anything about Connor that they should be worried about. Before Wes can respond, a nurse interrupts them to call in "Mr. Angel." I wonder what he gave them for a first name? When I see them in the hospital, I wonder all sorts of things, like whether Connor has health insurance, and if so, how did he get it? What did they do when the hospital asked for a family medical history? Does Connor have a social security number? I'm sure they doctored stuff up for Connor. Fred probably did it, because she can do anything! Except shut up.

By Shack

We return from commercials to a close-up of a crying, fussy baby. Now they're just rubbing it in. We're in a hospital waiting room; two women, each with a baby to call her own, are whining about how hard it is to get their colicky kiddies to go to sleep. I find giving them a nice dry-cleaning bag to nuzzle helps. Suddenly, we hear Angel's voice ask, "Have you tried the vacuum?" Angel's there with Connor, and Wesley's with them because Connor has two daddies or something. I don't know. I guess Wesley thinks that there's something he could actually do if Angel tries to eat Connor. Perhaps stammer and trip over something? That's what he usually does. Angel and the women blather on about vacuums and white noise, and I don't care and neither should you. The women are impressed by Angel's parental skills, and one of them calls him "Mr. Dad." The joke (and the movie) is "Mr. Mom." I mean, wouldn't you expect a dad to be a mister? After one of the women gets called away, Angel dorks out and brags to Wesley that they called him "Mr. Dad." Angel strikes me one of those dads who expects a parade every time he wipes the baby's nose while actually only participating in 10\% of the baby's care. Wesley, on the other hand, is still unkempt and unshaven and looks like the parent who wanders around the house in a bathrobe because all his clothes have baby vomit on them, but he never has time to do the laundry because little Connor needs his formula right now or he's going to die from screaming until his heart bursts. Angel finally notices that Wesley looks like crap and asks him if he's okay. Wesley morosely tells him that he's working on a difficult translation. Angel asks Wesley if he's found out anything about Connor that they should be worried about. Before Wes can respond, a nurse interrupts them to call in "Mr. Angel." I wonder what he gave them for a first name? When I see them in the hospital, I wonder all sorts of things, like whether Connor has health insurance, and if so, how did he get it? What did they do when the hospital asked for a family medical history? Does Connor have a social security number? I'm sure they doctored stuff up for Connor. Fred probably did it, because she can do anything! Except shut up.

Wesley awkwardly accompanies Angel into the examining room, making some lame excuse about being there in case Angel forgets to ask something important. To the doctor, Angel describes some weird sounds emanating from Connor, much in the manner you might use to describe engine troubles to a mechanic. It turns out that the problem is that Connor is alive. See, we figured out that was a problem several episodes ago. What I mean is that the doctor says it's just normal baby sounds and nothing to be concerned about. Connor's perfectly healthy. Absolutely nothing wrong with him. A perfect little baby boy. Now they're openly mocking me: "You thought the baby was dead! Neener neener neener!" Angel asks when the blood tests will return. The doctor says they'll be done in about a week, but it's just a formality; Connor's "as healthy as a human being can possibly be." Shut up! Jerk. Angel turns his dork knob up to eleven and shakes the doctor's hand for about an hour until a stone-faced Wesley tells him to dial it back a bit. The two men and their not-eaten-yet baby leave. The doctor makes some unfunny comment about Angel having cold hands and leaves a vial of Connor's blood and his chart (for a nurse to pick up, I guess) behind as he goes. I don't know much about the health and safety of babies -- have you picked up on that yet? -- but that's a huge vial of blood to have come from Connor. They drained a whole arm. After the doctor leaves, an entire second passes before one of the mothers from the waiting room sneaks into the room. The doctor didn't see her? Is there a trapdoor out there in the hallway? She creeps over to the chart, still holding her own baby (or is it?), and switches Connor's vial with one in her purse. I'd insert a soap-opera joke here about the hijinks that ensue from hospital blood-sample switching, but I don't know any. Feel free to insert your own. A nurse catches the woman just as she's finished the switch and assumes that she wandered into the wrong examining room by accident. The mother apologizes, and her deception causes a blipvert of the vial to transition us back to the Hyperion.

Gunn, tempter of fates, wishes that he had something big and nasty to fight. Fred expositions that Cordelia hasn't called in with any visions. I hope she didn't give Wesley a goodbye kiss, then. Angel babbles on jealously that Cordelia and Groo are shacked up in some hotel room. Everybody ignores him because he's just pathetic. Anyway, Angel changes the subject to talk about how great hockey is. Yes, I can imagine that a vampire with a soul who lives in constant worry of slipping into his old, blood-sucking ways would simply love to watch a sport where men are getting their noses broken against the Plexiglas and their faces sliced open with sticks. I also hear that recovering alcoholics enjoy touring breweries. Angel goes on to explain that the games are played mostly indoors and at night. True, but the same could be said about music recitals, and rarely is there any bloodshed. Except that one time Peggy accidentally knocked over her music stand and it hit Colin at just the right angle and split open his lip. He cried for hours, too. As Angel sips from a glass of blood, he dorks off about how happy he is at the thought of watching Connor grow up, happy to see him learn to ride a bike, happy to see him go to his prom. Angel's just happier than a smurf convention. Get it? Get it? Happy. ["So he's happy. That's great! He...oh. Right." -- Wing Chun] Wesley, working quietly over at his desk, certainly does. He stares off into space, imagining that special day when Connor graduates high school, which, if Angel's happy speech is any indication, will be followed by a special breaking news story, followed by a very special memorial, followed by a very special mass funeral. Why this hasn't occurred to the others -- or even Angel himself -- is beyond me. But clearly nobody else cares, or it amuses me to think that they really are sick of the baby, too, and hope Angel loses his soul and eats him. Angel and Gunn play hockey with the baby sticks for a little while until an overzealous Angel breaks a window with the puck. Somebody wake me when something actually happens.

Oh, here we go. They're interrupted by an attractive young woman who has come to Angel Investigations to ask for help. Everyone gathers to hear the woman's story. Last week her son, Timothy, snuck out of the house at night to go to "The Pier" to visit the amusement park. She went to find him, without luck. She returned home to wait and worry, but didn't...you know, call the police or anything. Angel asks if he returned home before dawn. The woman says yes, but there was "something wrong" with his face, and he was acting angry and pounding on the door and exhibiting all those things we associate with vampireness on the show. She was afraid of him, so she didn't let him in. When you get turned, you still need an invitation to enter your old home? I had no idea. When the sun came up, little Timmy burst into flames, and not even Lassie could save him. The various MoGs take turns explaining to the woman that her son would have killed her, and she couldn't have saved him. Angel tells the woman there's no way to turn him back from being a vampire: "No matter how much you want to believe there's a part of him you can save, all that's left is an evil thing." Unless he has cheekbones that can cut glass, a sexy swagger, killer abs, and an insanely devotional fan base. Then he can be all conflicted and stuff. Wesley looks meaningfully at Angel during his little speech. Whatever could he be thinking about? Anyway, Wes tells Gunn to do some recon at the park. Gunn suggests that he could take the vamps out if he finds them, but Wesley doesn't want him possibly fighting a nest all alone. Gunn says he'll bring Fred. The woman, however, is not done with her sad speech, and insists on finishing anyway, even though the MoG are already on the case. She says she would have killed the vampire herself if she were able to. What? What does that even mean? She says she was afraid of her own boy. So her inclination was to kill him? The hell? Oh, now we can hear Connor crying in the background, and Wesley looks meaningfully at Angel. It's just another ham-fisted anvil delivery. Let me find a pen so I can sign for it.

Then we cut to this same woman, giving a presentation to a group of people in a dimly lit room. She has shrugged off all vestiges of grieving motherness. She's describing our three featured MoG members this episode: Wesley, Gunn, and Fred. She describes Wesley as the leader who hands out assignments and specializes in book research. Fred is the science expert. The woman's not sure if Fred's any good as a fighter. Gunn serves as the tough guy. She describes Gunn as impulsive and suggests they can use that in the future. I don't know how she figured out any of this other than Wesley's role as the leader based on her visit. Among the crew listening to the woman are Justine and, for some reason, Steve Zahn. No, wait. We get a close-up of him, and it's actually Holtz, who has shaved off his facial hair. Holtz tells the woman (whose name we finally learn is Aubrey) that she did good work. Aubrey thanks him and calls him "boss." As we cut away to commercial, I realize that this scene might have been more surprising if they hadn't revealed this all in the basic episode description two weeks ago.

Poor Josh Hartnett has to go forty days without sex. I want to kill him and everybody involved with that movie. Each and every one.

So it seems that somehow Holtz has found a gothic plantation house in the middle of Los Angeles, and that's where he's training his troops. Two of Holtz's Heroes train by fighting a partially chained vampire with sticks. Three other vampires are chained to a wall. Justine chats with Holtz as he reads over whatever plans he's devised to do...whatever the freaking hell he's planning to do. Justine wonders why the MoG would voluntarily work with a vampire. Holtz points out to her that he accepted help from a demon in order to seek revenge on Angel. Justine's all, "Yeah, but that's different," or whatever. Holtz theorizes that the MoG have their own "misguided reasons" for helping Angel, and says that things aren't always in black and white. Justine asks, "But what about Angelus?" Holtz confidently responds, "He's evil." I love Keith Szarabajka's voice. I wish he had been cast as Ira Gaines on 24, just so we could hear him and Kiefer purr at each other as adversaries.

As Justine and Holtz are expositioning, the fighting vampire manages to break his leg chains and starts beating down the trainees. Justine sees it and rushes over to inflict some Anti-Slayer Fu on him. This was a poorly edited sequence. The first couple of times I watched it, I thought that one of the other chained vampires had broken free, leaving them with two vampires to deal with. After Justine impaled the vampire to the ground with a sword and ordered Holtz's Heroes to get some chains back on him, I thought, "But what about that first vampire they were fighting?" But it was just one vampire. Just in case you thought the same thing. After Justine's done, Holtz purrs at her, "I knew you were meant for this." He tells her that they need to get moving because "events are happening more quickly than [he] had hoped."

"Thank God. I was starting to get bored," says a disembodied voice, as Sahjhan materializes into the room. Justine instinctively swings her sword around to decapitate him, but it goes right through him. He dryly observes that his barber has the same problem, hence the bad hair. He compliments Holtz on his lair, telling him, "I love the whole chained undead look you've got going on. It really sets off your fern." They love to have it both ways at Mutant Enemy. Mock horror conventions, but use them anyway. Sahjhan is there to find out what's the deal with their deal. The deal is that there is no deal anymore. Holtz asks Sahjhan what he's going to do about it, then answers his own question: "Nothing. That's what you'll do. That's all you can do, or else you wouldn't have brought me here in the first place." It would serve Holtz right if Sahjhan went back in time to last season and warned Darla about the pregnancy, thereby saving us from baby Connor, and keeping us with an evil vampire to kick Holtz's sanctimonious ass. Sahjhan would rather resort to sarcasm and name-calling instead. He calls Holtz's Heroes a bunch of paramilitary Moonies and suggests that Holtz is too big a coward to kill Angel himself and theorizes that Holtz's dead wife would agree with him. Oh God! They're inflicting bad exposition on us. Sahjhan painstakingly details how Holtz's family was killed. I hate it when characters tell each other things that they already know for our alleged benefit. And then Sahjhan concludes his history lesson by asking, "Any of this ringing a bell?" in order to make it sound like Sahjhan is trying to remind Holtz of his motivations when it's really just bad and unnecessary exposition. As sick as I am at the leaden dialogue, Holtz orders Sahjhan to leave. Sahjhan reminds Holtz that the untouchability goes both ways here. Holtz trumps Sahjhan, though, informing him that he could trap Sahjhan's essence in some sort of magical urn that would keep him imprisoned for the rest of his life. Or forever. Whichever. Sahjhan warns Holtz, "This isn't over," as he fades away.

Back at the Hyperion, Wesley's on the phone, arguing with some wizard he wants to perform some task for him, offering him "obscene amounts of money." From where? They're back to having almost no clients again. He stares at his prophecy translation: "The father will kill the son." I'm thinking that just because the prophecy says, "The father will kill the son," it doesn't mean that Angel is the father or that Connor is the son. But, then again, I'm not as good at jumping to conclusions as Wesley. After all, it's not like Wesley has a history of translating prophecies incorrectly, does he? Perhaps I should give Wesley the benefit of the doubt that he's doing this consult because he has realized the wiggle room in the prophecy. But I won't. Fred wanders in -- wearing a red jersey with 35 printed on the front -- in order to provide our recommended daily allowance of unresolved sexual tension. She compliments Wesley on the way he comforted Aubrey. She babbles on that Wesley needs to get out of the office for a while, and suggests that he ask Aubrey out on a date. At this point, I've resorted to impersonating Apu from The Simpsons toward the television, saying, "Shut up! Will you not shut up? I cannot believe you will not shut up." This is probably Fred's idea of letting someone down easy. Wesley looks a bit hurt for a moment. Or perhaps just horrified and wondering whatever he saw in this nitwit. Then he curtly tells her, "We're not here to date; we're here to do a job. Now why don't you go to the pier and do your job." Chastened, Fred leaves.

Hey, it's Lilah! She's in her office, talking on the phone to her mother. It sounds like mom has some sort of ailment, perhaps Alzheimer's. Lilah has to repeatedly remind her mother who Lilah is and asks if she needs any money. But Lilah's awfully patient and nice about it. Lilah reminds her mother that she can't come over to visit because she's in Los Angeles. Lilah loves her mom. I hope they don't go softening her up. I'm afraid they're going to turn her into the new Lindsey and then turn Gavin into the new Lilah.

Suddenly, Sahjhan materializes into the office. Without missing a beat, Lilah curtly tells her mom that she'll have to call her back, and hangs up. Lilah informs Sahjhan that he doesn't have an appointment. Sahjhan's surprised at Lilah's lack of surprise at his sudden appearance. He's further surprised when Lilah reveals that she knows his name, what his powers are, and that he was the one who brought Holtz to Los Angeles. In a display of continuity, she even refers to the magical reference woman in the archive. Sahjhan tells Lilah that he's familiar with her firm's work here "and in other dimensions." Lilah theorizes that because Angel yet lives -- or unlives, rather -- Sahjhan and Holtz haven't worked out so well. She guesses that Sahjhan has come to Wolfram and Hart to "expedite the process." Sahjhan confirms this. As she writes on her notepad, Lilah tells him, "I hate to disappoint you, but Wolfram and Hart's official policy is to let Angel live until he becomes useful. I'm sworn to obey that policy." Then she holds up the notepad, which reads "COUNT ME IN." So the firm distrusts the employees enough to bug their offices, but not so much as to install security cameras? These people are stupid. No wonder they're always losing. She asks Sahjhan out loud if there's any other way she can help him. Sahjhan looks around for a second, then leans on Lilah's desk and tells her, "I have a plan. But for it to work, I require--" Okay, hold on just a minute. I'm breaking in here. Lilah just made it clear that it's not safe to talk about his plan to kill Angel in the office, and now they're going to go ahead and talk about it anyway? These people are so very stupid. I have a hard time imagining that Wolfram and Hart controls any dimension. Unless the inhabitants are drooling morons. Okay, I think they could possibly control whatever dimension that produced Glory. But that's it. Continuing on, Sahjhan says he has a plan, but that it requires something that might prove to be almost impossible to get. As the strings on the score attempt to increase the tension and make us wonder what this mysterious item may be, Sahjhan reveals it to be some of baby Connor's blood. Before the words are completely out of his mouth, Lilah says, "Got it." Sahjhan is utterly flummoxed. I love that Lilah is at least a step ahead of him, even if she doesn't know exactly why. She says they managed to snag it from the doctor's office. But, she explains, their people have looked over the blood and can find absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Sahjhan explains, "That's because they're looking for the wrong thing."

By Shack

Night has fallen at the amusement park, and Fred suggests to Gunn that they head back. Gunn tells her to wait a moment because he's "getting a tingle." Fred looks down, worried that Gunn can tell that she's draining him of his knowledge of rifle sight calibration, and cracks a bad "no sex in the workplace" joke in the hopes of distracting him. But that's not the problem; Gunn thinks there are vampires about. Fred looks around and says she doesn't see anything. Then she points out that a man is trying to break into a nearby building.

The building houses the carousel. Gunn and Fred sneak their way in. Fred sees the man climbing a ladder on the other side of carousel. Gunn starts to follow him, but Fred tries to talk him out of it. Gunn says he didn't walk around the pier all day just to go home and file a report to Wesley. He's going to find out if there is indeed a nest here. Suddenly the carousel starts to move. A vampire opens the center door, climbing onto the moving ride and growling. Then a second vampire falls from the ceiling behind Fred and Gunn, and a third jumps down from the ceiling in front of them. The first vampire jumps off the carousel to face them. Fred and Gunn look at each other. Fred thinks, "Perhaps I sucked too much of Gunn's brain." Gunn thinks, "Cheese dip."

We return from commercials back into the action at the carousel. As Gunn and Fred face the vamps, we see Justine and a random Holtz Hero watching the action through the monitor on a camcorder while hiding in a nook in the carousel. Why don't the vamps attack them? They were the ones torturing them, after all. Since vamps are evil and have brains, if I were one of them, I'd rat out Justine and just leave to find someplace safer to feed. But I guess they found stupid vampires. Gunn tells Fred to prepare to run when he tells her to do so, and rushes up to take on the vampires. The fight is dimly lit and choppily edited. Gunn punches vamps. The vamps punch back. Gunn yells at Fred to run, and she does, realizing that she's gotten all she can out of Gunn's head. The fight continues. There's lots of kicking and grabbing and throwing. Gunn's losing, though he's putting up a good fight. Justine and a random Holtz's Hero watch. Gunn manages to throw one of the vampires down and dust him. But then the other two vampires beat Gunn down. As one of the vampires holds Gunn up by his neck, the random Hero suggests to Justine that they should step in and save Gunn. Justine tells them no, because she doesn't want another appointment with the ice pick. But not to worry; Fred is there to save the day! She rushes back in, picks up a stake from the floor, and tosses it to Gunn. She rushes up behind the vampire holding Gunn and stakes it as Gunn, at exactly the same time, reaches backward and stakes the vampire behind him. Gunn asks Fred why she's still there. Fred responds, "I've got your back. Well actually, I got his back." Because Fred can do anything. Except shut up. Fred and Gunn hug and kiss. Their lack of chemistry actually douses nearby fires.

And now, Wesley. Okay, I have to stop giggling so I can recap this scene. Okay, so Wesley...hee. Okay, just a minute. So Wesley...hee. Dammit. I rewind back to Fred and Gunn's kiss, which puts my funny bone to sleep. Wesley is seeking out some coordinates on some hand-held GPS trinket. He stops and says, "This must be it," with a bit of confusion. We pan back to see that Wesley is standing in front of a fast-food drive-through speaker. The speaker is shaped like a giant hamburger with a face and arms and legs. The lights of the restaurant cut off and a couple of guys leave as Wesley mutters to himself that he was expecting a statue, but then realizes that a giant plastic burger does qualify, in some bizarre fashion. The two guys see Wesley talking to it and laugh at him as they walk away. You know, if I worked at a fast-food restaurant and saw somebody standing around talking to the speaker after we had closed, I'd call the police. After they're gone, Wesley pulls out a pouch and sprinkles some dirt, or herbs, or pixie dust, or whatever in front of the burger. Then he holds out his hands and asks some entity called Loa (and I'll take the forum posters' word for it that Loa is some sort of voodoo god) to accept his offering and "open the gates of truth." In a flash of light, electricity, and masterfully executed CGI effects, the burger statue begins to grow until it towers over Wesley. Its eyes glow a hellish orange color. Its happy smile turns into a sneer, and with a voice as deep as James Earl Jones's, it says, "How dare you call on the Loa!"

Wesley looks like he's about to crap his pants, but manages to hold himself together. He says that he comes in supplication and begs Darth Burger for answers to questions only he can reveal. Darth Burger points a finger at Wesley and tells him, "You have answers, human. You search now only for the questions." Darth Burger has a little bow tie, too. Hee. Wesley asks Darth if it's true that Angel will kill his son. Darth Burger's response -- and this is the important line of the episode -- is, "That the vampire will devour his son is certain. The dark question you harbor is only, 'When?'" It's pretty obvious, especially in print, that Darth Burger's response doesn't match Wesley's question. If this entire conflict ends up in some sort of muddled mess because it turns out Wesley has forgotten how to properly conjugate verbs in Babylonian or whatever and Darth Burger here decided just to mess with Wesley's head some more, I shall be very cross. Wesley denies that he wants to know when the prophecy will come true. He wants to know how to stop it. Darth Burger says it cannot be stopped. But you have a choice of side dishes. Just pick from the menu right there. Okay, he doesn't say that part.

Wesley gets pissy and insists that the prophecy must be stopped. Darth Burger sneers at Wesley and zaps him to the ground with some orange lightning. He tells Wesley, "Your insolence is displeasing." Strega's been saying that for almost two years now. Wesley mutters, "You try chatting with a cranky hamburger," because he's just stupid that way. Darth Burger tells Wesley that he has risked death by summoning him and wonders if that's what Wesley actually wants, telling him, "The pain in your heart begs for it." The pain in his heart? Oh, please don't tell me that Wesley's poor widdle heart is broken over Fred. God, it's all sturm and drang with these people. They're pulling that Donna Martin/Joey Potter "It" thing over Fred now, aren't they? It's his own fault for pining away after her and never saying anything. Wesley tells Darth Burger to go ahead and kill him, because he won't be stopped any other way. I cross my fingers, but Darth Burger decides to continue screwing with Wesley's head, which could possibly be more entertaining in the long run. And if it's not, I'm not going to have to be the one to recap it. The burger raises an eyebrow (really, it does) and tells Wesley, "Simple mortal, your pain is just beginning. Betrayal and agony lie in wait. And time is running out. Yet still you ignore the question." Wesley capitulates to the burger and asks him when the prophecy will come to pass. That right there was the strangest sentence I've ever written in my life. The giant burger narrows its eyes at him (second-strangest sentence), and tells him, "The first portent will shake the earth; the second will burn the air; the last will turn the sky to blood." Darth Burger clenches his cartoon fists at the end, and I chuckle at the fact that he has four fingers. I giggled so much at this when I first saw it that I missed most of the dialogue. Wesley considers the first portent and realizes it's an earthquake. He points out that they're in California. Now I wonder if all earthquakes are portents. Wasn't there one the week before Kung Pow: Enter the Fist was released? Anyway, Darth Burger repeats the portents and insists that Wesley bother the Loa no more as it morphs back into a small statue. I can't believe that the same company that produced that giant claymation snake on Buffy produced this.

In a slightly amusing scene transition, we hear a woman's voice say "I need a drink" as Wesley stares at the burger statue, before we actually cut away to a bar, where Lilah has decided to uncoil and recover from another day of evil. Lilah orders "Scotch, thirty-year-old, two ice cubes." Some loserman sits down to Lilah and she tells him to go away. The bartender returns with Lilah's drink, which she nurses until Sahjhan appears at her side. Nobody seems to notice or care, though all the other bar patrons are human. Sahjhan apologizes for being late and makes a stupid joke about his lateness being ironic because he can shift time. Lilah is as amused as the rest of us at that one (which is to say, not at all) and tells him, "It's on." He doesn't understand. Lilah explains that the Angel plan is a go. She's outsourced the labor and is burying the costs, so the firm should be none the wiser. She finishes her drink, tells Sahjhan goodbye, and makes to leave. Sahjhan whines that he skipped one hundred and thirty-three years for the meeting and wants to engage Lilah in some small talk. Lilah sneers at him, "Right. Because we're on a date? The only reason I met you here was so that we could talk freely." So Sahjhan invites her to talk: "Would it impress you if I told you I invented Daylight Savings Time?" Who are you going to pick up with that line -- a farmer? Lilah ignores Sahjhan's nonsense and asks him why he wants Angel dead. Sahjhan responds, "I have my reasons," and doesn't elaborate, because we can only have so much plot development in a given episode. He shoots the question back at Lilah, considering that she's risking her career (and who knows what else) with this little plot. She says, "We have our history," and doesn't elaborate. She asks Sahjhan if he's afraid of Angel. He denies it. Lilah is certain that Sahjhan's afraid of something or someone. That's Sahjhan's cue to call the meeting to a close. He asks Lilah when the plan will be put in motion. She tells him it's already started.

Dawn breaks, and the sun zooms over the horizon just like it does in L.A. Story. Wesley broods in his office some more. He stares at little Connor in his crib. A knock on the counter interrupts him. It's Aubrey, there to thank him for killing that vamp nest and pay them for their work. So now Angel Investigations is charging for revenge as well? She hands over a check and tells him she's glad those monsters won't take anybody else's son. Wesley puts the check in a desk drawer and mentions that he doesn't recall ever saying there was more than one vampire. Aubrey recovers by pointing out that Wesley told her there could be a nest. After some receipt business, Aubrey asks Wesley if he's okay. She says he looks a little rough around the edges. Wesley tells her that he hasn't been sleeping well. Aubrey then invites him out for a cup of coffee. Wesley looks a bit gobsmacked. Aubrey continues that she could use a friend right now because little Timmy's all dead and she's so very, very lonely. Wesley responds, "You're good. I liked the 'lonely' thing." Aubrey is confused at Wesley's response. Behind her, Angel says, "Yeah, 'lonely.' That was a nice touch." Angel is wearing exactly the same purple shirt I wore the first time I ever went to a gay bar.

Aubrey's response is immediate: She pulls a stake out of her handbag, spins around, and tries to dust Angel. Angel knocks it out of her hand and pins her against a desk. Angel accuses Aubrey of setting up an ambush and trying to kill his friends. Aubrey responds that Angel's friends are still alive, but her little Timmy is dead. Though Aubrey's little story was a lie, she did indeed lose her son to vampires. Angel lets her go. The guys figure out that Holtz found her and recruited her because of what happened to her son. They try to get confirmation from Aubrey, but they won't answer her questions. Angel tells Aubrey, "You're right to protect him. Holtz is one of the good guys. He has every reason to hate me. And if he ever comes close to any of my people ever again, or tries to touch a hair on my son's head, I'll kill him, and anybody who tries to get in my way. You might want to mention that." Aubrey runs out, frightened. Right after she leaves, a very brief tremor jostles the lobby. Angel picks up Connor and wanders off to record baby's first earthquake in his scrapbook. Wesley stares after them. Whenever Wesley is in a scene with Angel, just assume that Wesley is staring at him.

Back at the plantation, Holtz is watching the tape of the carousel fight, amazed that a little slip of a girl like Fred saves the day. He doesn't realize yet that Fred can do anything. Except...you know. Holtz points out that Fred was willing to die rather than abandon Gunn. He tells the gathered Holtz's Heroes that they, too, must be willing to die for their cause, "but more so." How exactly is one's willingness to die measured? It's like pregnancy. You either are or you aren't. And another thing that remains unanswered is why the hell would all these people be willing to die just to help Holtz get revenge against Angel. What's in it for them? Is he going to help them get back at the vampires who killed their loved ones later? Holtz tells the Heroes to study the tape carefully, because they may be fighting Gunn and Fred soon. Then he hears footsteps and purrs that they might be fighting sooner than expected.

Aubrey has returned to the group. Holtz approaches her and instantly realizes from her expression that her cover has been blown. Somebody will be getting some icepick acupuncture later. Aubrey apologizes, but Holtz says that's not important. He is, however, annoyed that she allowed herself to be followed. We hear Wesley's voice telling Holtz not to blame her. We pan over to see Wesley standing at the entrance to their lair. He says, "I would have found you eventually." Only if Holtz's address was written on some two-thousand-year-old scroll, you big liar.

We return from commercials where we left off. A rather large man menaces Wesley with a knife, suggesting that they cut Wesley's tongue out and send it back to "Angelus." That would probably only increase the proportions of Wesley's dual martyr/savior complexes. As the man approaches, Wesley lashes out and punches him in the throat. The man goes down, gagging. Wesley looks at the gathered vigilantes and says, "I didn't come here to fight." Well, that's good, because he'd totally get his ass kicked. He insists that he's not their enemy. He tells them they're fighting the wrong man. Holtz asks, "Angelus?" Wesley corrects him that the guy's name is "Angel." Wesley points out that Angel has a soul now and is a "good man." Holtz is aware of Angel's new soul and recognizes that Angel is capable of feeling the pain of his past evils. He thinks that the gypsies were very creative in the curse they put on Angelus, but thinks they stopped short of actual justice. Holtz wants to correct that mistake. Wesley's complexes speak up and invite Holtz to kill him instead. He claims that he's as much responsible for Angelus's actions as Angel is. Holtz purrs out the list of the crimes against his family (wife raped and murdered, infant son killed, young daughter vamped), and asks Wesley whether Angel's responsible for these acts. Holtz says that Angelus is a part of Angel and will re-emerge at some point. Holtz theorizes that Wesley already is aware of this possibility, and that's why he has come to their lair. It seems that Aubrey (or somebody) had infiltrated the Hyperion more than Wesley and Angel had realized: Holtz knows about the prophecy Wesley has translated. Holtz tells Wesley that as long as Connor remains with the demon, Connor's not safe. Wesley sarcastically observes that he thought this was all a vendetta when, really, all Holtz wants to do is protect Connor. Holtz asks, "You don't believe me?" Wesley responds, "Hmm...not sure, really. Could be the low, scary voice that's giving me trouble." Oh, you only wish you had a voice like Holtz's. Holtz says his army is growing, and that if Wesley and the others stand against him in this war, there will be a bloodbath. Wesley points out that this isn't a war -- it's revenge. Justine points out that revenge is all some of them have left. Because remembering your loved ones fondly, yet continuing on with your life is the pussy's way out. Wesley tries to go for empathy, saying he can't know what it's been like for these people, but Holtz interrupts him to purr, "You might." He walks up to Wesley to look him in the eye and says, "When I put my son's body into the ground, I had to open the coffin, just to know he really was in there. You also may discover that a child's coffin, Mr. Wyndham-Pryce -- it weighs nothing." So when Connor turns evil and dies, we can play beach volleyball with it.

Blipverts lead us to The Diner of Fred and Gunn's Not-So-Much- Forbidden-As-Slightly- Frowned-Upon Love. Fred asks Gunn if he's feeling okay because he's hardly touched his food. He says he's fine. He sets down his fork and tells Fred he's been thinking about what happened yesterday. He's not mad at Wesley anymore and wonders if perhaps they shouldn't be involved. As if Wes wouldn't be all over Fred like a wet t-shirt on a drunken sorority girl at a Daytona Beach spring break party if Gunn weren't in the picture. Fred worries that Gunn has changed his mind and tells him that they just have to keep things separate. She points out that they learned a lesson when a plant demon sucked them underground. And that lesson was never to underestimate what sort of ludicrousness the writers might throw at you . Gunn worries that they won't be able to manage an office romance. God, I'm so bored. Check? Can I get a check here? Gunn gives the carousel incident as an example of the relationship clouding their judgment. The relationship had nothing to do with your decision to take on an unknown number of vampires on your own. Except for that part where Fred sucked you dry of your sense of self-preservation. Fred wonders what would happen if Wesley made them choose. I reiterate: Is he going to fire them? Is there an office manual where employee guidelines are documented? Tell him to go screw himself. More so than he usually does. Anyway, Gunn responds that he's been fighting demons all his life, and he's never known anything else. But if he's forced to choose, he'd choose Fred. Awww. Now if they only had even a drop of chemistry. Gunn has to sling one last anvil at us before the scene ends. He tells Fred not to worry about Wesley: "He'll do the right thing. He always does."

Back at the hotel, Wesley sulks and broods as he trudges down a hallway. He knocks on the door to Angel's room. Angel calls Wesley in as he puts little Connor to rest in his crib. Angel asks Wesley how he's doing as he heats up some milk for Connor on a gas stove. Wesley says he's had better days. Again, Angel totally fails to push the issue to find out what's bothering Wesley. The writers attempt to foist off some last-minute explanation as to how Angel could tell Aubrey was infiltrating for Holtz. He saw her pain and rage and realized that if something like that had happened to Connor, he'd do the same thing. He'd join up with some guy who wanted to get revenge on a totally different and unrelated vampire and infiltrate some hotel to get information about how everybody in there does good deeds and plot to kill them anyway? Nice try, but no. Angel reiterates for the millionth time how much he loves Connor, trying to make up for all the people who hate him. It doesn't work. Wesley points out that love can be a terrible thing. That's certainly the case with Angel. Angel ignores the hint, though, and blathers that he used to feel that way too, but the pain and fear that normally goes along with love in Angel's case just isn't there with Connor. And that's supposed to be good? That Angel's not even worried about experiencing a moment of perfect happiness anymore?

Wesley starts to giggle at Angel's comments. Angel wants to know what's so funny. Wesley chuckles and smiles and tells Angel that life is funny and listening to "stupid people talk to burgers" is funny. I guess he's decided to dismiss the prophecies altogether. Or he's just finally flipped. Angel laughs along, even though he totally doesn't get the joke, as he checks on Connor's milk. Wesley gives Angel an intense, yearning look that would earn the Gayest Look of the Episode Award if this were Smallville, and tells Angel that it's all so funny and beautiful.

And then an earthquake hits -- caused by a mysterious rain of anvils, I'm guessing. This is a big one: cabinets open up and things fall down.

We cut to Lilah's office. Her clients are freaking out, but Lilah just sits there, looking slightly bemused.

At Holtz's plantation, random Heroes run about.

Back in Angel's room, the earthquake causes the stove to fall over and explode, creating a huge fireball that sends Angel flying across the room. Part of the roof falls down, flaming, separating Angel and Connor from Wesley and the room's exit.

Back at the plantation, Holtz runs over to push Justine out of the way of a falling cabinet. The two of them land on the floor together, Holtz on top of Justine, and share A Look.

Back at the hotel, Angel gathers up Connor in a blanket and leaps to safety over a fire burning in the center of his room. Wesley's just staring at the fire. Angel actually has to run back into the room and pull Wesley into the hallway before the ceiling collapses on them. Then they all just hang out in the hallway as if it's the safest place in the world to be right now. There's no way that raging fire can get through those plaster walls and wooden door. Angel has a huge gash on his forehead, and as Wesley watches in horror, drops of blood spatter all over Connor's blanket, which is dyed sky blue with white clouds. So all three portents came true in a matter of seconds. Angel tries to calm Connor and tells Wesley that he was afraid that he'd get trapped in there. Then, in a slight smirk and a somewhat ambiguous tone, he tells Wesley, "At least I would have had something to snack on." Wesley looks at Angel with -- wait for it -- horror. Was it a really, really bad joke, or is Angelus finding his way back out? You'll just have to wait to find out.

week: Wesley decides to take Connor out for a ride, and everybody panics.

By Shack

And then an earthquake hits -- caused by a mysterious rain of anvils, I'm guessing. This is a big one: cabinets open up and things fall down.

We cut to Lilah's office. Her clients are freaking out, but Lilah just sits there, looking slightly bemused.

At Holtz's plantation, random Heroes run about.

Back at the plantation, Holtz runs over to push Justine out of the way of a falling cabinet. The two of them land on the floor together, Holtz on top of Justine, and share A Look.

week: Wesley decides to take Connor out for a ride, and everybody panics.