Plotless

S03E05

Previously on Angel, Fred happened. I've run out of ways to talk about it. Cary never asked, "Friends of yours, Gunn?" when Caritas got shot up. And yet he does say that in the clip we see here. Check out the revisionist history.

Fade up on a sword inches away from Wesley's face, as he says, "You wouldn't dare." The Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm goes off briefly, and then sizzles and dies as the circuits burn out from overuse. Pull back to reveal that Cordy's holding the sword, and Wesley is berating her for sorting the weapons improperly. I stop the tape, put my head down, and cry for a while. Stop the fake-outs. Please. I'm begging you. No more. There are other sources of humor in the world. Have Angel recite limericks if you must, anything, but please, please stop doing this. I can't take it. I call Johanna and talk about Dawson's Creek for a while until I have the energy to press play again. So, they're tidying the weapons cabinet at Angel's request. Cordy asks, "Wes, who's the boss around here? You, or the guy with the pancreas dagger?" Wesley doesn't answer, because that's when Fred interrupts to ask what time it is. She's sitting on the floor, but not under a table, fiddling with some gadget that she's built in case a plot contrivance becomes necessary at some point. What are the odds of that happening? Cordy tells her that it's "three minutes since the last time you asked." Fred apologizes and babbles some nonsense theory about time until Cordy says, "He'll be back when he's back." Fred looks down and asks, "So, now that she's alive again, are they gonna get back together? Angel and that girl with the goofy name?" Wesley says that's a difficult question, but his guess is, "No. Not a chance. Never, no way, not in a million years, and also, nuh-uh." Never use one word when a dozen will do, Wesley. Fred doesn't understand why that is, noting that Angel is "so strong and handsome and he really listens when you talk." Once again, let's remember that Fred is crazy. Cordy decides that this is a question that can best be answered in improvisation, and imitates Buffy. She dramatically tells the air, "Oh, Angel. I know that I am a Slayer, and you are a vampire, and it is impossible for us to be together." She does a fair imitation of Gellar's little hand-flinging shrug, too. Heh. Wesley jumps up and joins the fun: "But my gypsy curse sometimes prevent [sic] me from seeing the truth." He says "prevent" because there's a notable edit where a line got snipped. Originally it was "my gypsy curse, and our hot little loins, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth." I mention this because it amuses me. In that way where I feel a little bit ill. Wesley squints up at the ceiling and gasps, "Oh Buvvy!" which cracks me up, because he really sounded like Boreanaz there. Cordy spins and dopily asks, "Yes, Angel?" Wesley exclaims, "I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!" Cordy insists, "And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends!" There's a shot of Gunn laughing at the wackiness, which is odd since Gunn's never ever seen Buffy and Angel together, so how much of this is he getting? Does he even know about the getting-sent-to-hell bit? Maybe someone lent him the videotapes. Anyhow, Wesley grabs Cordy's arm and suggests, "Or possibly more." Cordy turns away and says, "Gasp!" Heh. She adds, "No! We mustn't!" Wesley takes Cordy by the shoulder and whispers, "Kiss me!" Cordy says, "Bite me!" Wesley bends Cordy over and shoves his face in her neck. Cordy sure wears a lot of wide bracelets to cover up her tattoo. Angel interrupts, "How 'bout you both bite me?" Fred jumps up excitedly while Wesley and Cordy quickly race to opposite corners. This seems like a good time to note that Cordy is wearing a poofy-sleeved sheer-layered top and the mini-est of miniskirts. And, to complete the look, tan fishnets. That poor, poor girl. Gunn asks how Angel's meeting with Buffy went, and Angel says, "I think those two pretty much summed it up. To be honest, I really don't want to talk about it." Although he kind of bitterly chuckles on that last line, and he doesn't look too upset. Heck, he's wearing a light blue shirt; it couldn't have been that bad. Although, ew, he really should tuck the shirt in. That just looks sloppy. Cordy angles for gossip by insisting that Angel needs to share his grief and longing, because otherwise "the curiosity's gonna kill [her]." Angel quietly replies, "Oh no. Wouldn't want that." Whoops. Fred says she's not at all interested in the details, and a frustrated Cordy tells her to shut up. Angel says that what he needs now is ice cream, and invites Fred to join him. Good thing he's not building up her hopes or anything. Fred enthusiastically agrees to go along, and they head out. Cordy sighs, "Now we'll never, ever know." Angel merrily calls back, "That's right."

A blipvert takes us into the sewers. Fred's holding a cone as she fills us in on what we missed. She babbles, "This has been the best night ever. First there's you takin' me for ice cream, then there's the ice cream, and then that monster jumps out of the freezer and you're all brave and 'Fred, watch out!' And then we get to chase it down into the sewers, which are just so bleak and oppressive and homey. I could build a condo down here!" Sort of the opposite of a deluxe apartment in the sky. Angel puts up with this with incredible patience, and doesn't even blink when Fred asks if maybe the monster just wanted a sugar cone. He'd make a good dad. Which is lucky, 'cause, you know, Darla and all. Angel says that Durslar beasts usually stay underground. Fred manages to turn the conversation back to herself, and chirps that she's just mooching off Angel and she doesn't know why he puts up with her. But then she's distracted by a shiny object. No, she totally is! There are crystals on the wall, you see. As she leans over to look at them, we hear a distant rumble. Fred insists she didn't make the noise, and Angel says that they must be near the Durslar's lair. He tells her to go home, which makes one wonder why he brought her along this far. Fred asks whether Angel needs backup, but Angel says, "Durslar beasts are pretty Faulknerian. Lotta sound, no fury." No, that didn't make sense. I get the reference, but it's wrong and stupid. Just say "All bark and no bite," if that's what you mean. He asks whether Fred can find her way out, and Fred rattles off the exact distance and directions to get out of the sewer. She stops and asks whether she's being a nerd again. Angel nods, because of course, having an idiot-savant sense of direction is a well-known nerdy characteristic. That's why I never, ever get lost. In the building where I work. Shut up. She turns and leaves, although she offers several times along the way to stay with Angel. Once she's vanished around the corner, Angel hurries to pay off the Durslar for giving him an excuse to get away from Fred. Not really, but you'd have believed it, wouldn't you? Instead, we just see a beastie pop up behind Angel, and then there's a battle-vert.

By Strega

Originally it was "my gypsy curse, and our hot little loins, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth." I mention this because it amuses me. In that way where I feel a little bit ill. Wesley squints up at the ceiling and gasps, "Oh Buvvy!" which cracks me up, because he really sounded like Boreanaz there. Cordy spins and dopily asks, "Yes, Angel?" Wesley exclaims, "I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!" Cordy insists, "And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends!" There's a shot of Gunn laughing at the wackiness, which is odd since Gunn's never ever seen Buffy and Angel together, so how much of this is he getting? Does he even know about the getting-sent-to-hell bit? Maybe someone lent him the videotapes. Anyhow, Wesley grabs Cordy's arm and suggests, "Or possibly more." Cordy turns away and says, "Gasp!" Heh. She adds, "No! We mustn't!" Wesley takes Cordy by the shoulder and whispers, "Kiss me!" Cordy says, "Bite me!" Wesley bends Cordy over and shoves his face in her neck. Cordy sure wears a lot of wide bracelets to cover up her tattoo. Angel interrupts, "How 'bout you both bite me?" Fred jumps up excitedly while Wesley and Cordy quickly race to opposite corners. This seems like a good time to note that Cordy is wearing a poofy-sleeved sheer-layered top and the mini-est of miniskirts. And, to complete the look, tan fishnets. That poor, poor girl. Gunn asks how Angel's meeting with Buffy went, and Angel says, "I think those two pretty much summed it up. To be honest, I really don't want to talk about it." Although he kind of bitterly chuckles on that last line, and he doesn't look too upset. Heck, he's wearing a light blue shirt; it couldn't have been that bad. Although, ew, he really should tuck the shirt in. That just looks sloppy. Cordy angles for gossip by insisting that Angel needs to share his grief and longing, because otherwise "the curiosity's gonna kill [her]." Angel quietly replies, "Oh no. Wouldn't want that." Whoops. Fred says she's not at all interested in the details, and a frustrated Cordy tells her to shut up. Angel says that what he needs now is ice cream, and invites Fred to join him. Good thing he's not building up her hopes or anything. Fred enthusiastically agrees to go along, and they head out. Cordy sighs, "Now we'll never, ever know." Angel merrily calls back, "That's right."

By Strega

Credits. I'm only at the credits? It's gonna be a long episode. But an educational one. If you want to know how to write a script, I commend this episode to your attention. It's odd, but on the first viewing I just thought this episode was dull, now I'm infuriated by its incompetence.

By Strega

When we come back, they're still sorting Scythian spears by the seashore, or whatever. Wesley reminisces, "Y'know, back in my days as a rogue demon hunter, I once used that very spear to pin down what I thought was a small Rodentius demon. Of course, the poodle's owners weren't very happy." He chose to tell that story. Why? Lesson one: when telling a story, including a comedy bit that isn't very funny is more important than attempting to recreate plausible human behavior. Gunn begs Cordy to get a vision, and Cordy starts complaining about the "soul-splittingly agonizing" effects of the visions that she's repeatedly claimed are terribly important to her self-worth. Then she doubles over in pain, not because of a vision, but because she's banged her leg on Fred's mysterious-but-sure- to-be-useful contraption. I miss the Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm already. Everyone stops to wonder what exactly the contraption is, and Wesley claims, "It almost looks like a spring-loaded decapitation device." To me it looks like a suitcase with an axe sticking out of it, but I haven't studied too many spring-loaded decapitation devices. Their speculation is interrupted, mercifully, when a middle-aged couple enter asking for "Angel Investigations." They introduce themselves as Roger and Trish. They were country when country wasn't cool. Wesley escorts the visitors into the office while they sneak a peek at the weapons scattered about.

After the introductions are made, Trish explains that their daughter is missing. The MoG start asking whether she was "kidnapped by evil fiends" or involved in demon worship, and a few pathetic sparks fly out of the sizzling remains of the Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. Will it never end? Roger and Trish try to answer the barrage of questions, and finally Roger explains that they've already hired a detective. Everyone pauses and finally allows him to say, "He said she was staying here, in your hotel." Because, see, they're looking for Fred. Whose full name is finally given as "Winifred Burkle." The MoG trade awkward glances with each other.

Fred enters the lobby from the basement, finishing off her cone. She pauses, and sees her parents talking with the MoG in the office. Looking frightened, she runs upstairs.

Roger and Trish ask whether Fred really is at the hotel, and whether she's okay. Wesley says that Fred's fine, and that she's out "with one of [their] associates" at the moment. Cordy smoothly covers up for the peculiarity of their earlier questions by adding, "Who's not an evil fiend. Or a vampire. Because they don't exist. In case you're unfamiliar with our L.A. gumshoe detective slang." Roger ignores that, and asks whether Fred has been with them the entire time that she's been missing. Wesley nervously explains, "We've only known Fred a few months, really. You see, we found her in..." Cordy helps out by adding, "...a fit of depression." Wesley goes on to explain that Fred had "relocated and was having trouble adjusting." Wesley asks how Trish and Roger tracked Fred down. Trish says they got a letter from her a month ago, with no return address, which said that she was fine and that they shouldn't try to find her. Trish quite reasonably notes, "Five years of not knowing whether your daughter is alive or.... How could we just let it go?" Gunn confirms that the detective the Burkles hired was able to trace an unaddressed envelope. "We could do that," he adds. Yeah, right. Suddenly Angel enters, excitedly saying, "Wait'll you guys hear what happened at Haagen Dazs! I mean, ordinarily these things don't put up much of a fight, but this one, whoa! I think I'm gonna have it --" He enters the office carrying a demon's severed head. Upon catching sight of the Burkles, he stops and lamely finishes, "-- mounted." I was hoping that the end of that sentence was "-- deep fried." Cordelia stiffly notes, "Angel, you're...alone. And you brought...a prop. From your movie!" Cordy carefully tells the Burkles that Angel makes monster movies, and introduces the Burkles to Angel by saying, "These are Fred's very normal parents." Angel sticks the severed head behind his back and says, "Ah," as a thought slowly begins to form. After a moment, he figures it out and says, "Fred has parents."

Back in the office at the Hyperion, Cordy stares out at the Burkles and says, "There's just something off about them. I can't put my finger on what." It's that they're perfectly normal, loving parents. Guess what? We know. Have you ever had someone who was always telling the same allegedly funny story over and over again, no matter how many times you screamed that you'd heard it before? It's frustrating, and this episode reminds me of that feeling. Wesley guesses that Fred ran off after spotting her parents. Angel's suspicions are aroused. He's the kind of guy you could tell the same joke to twice a day, and he'd laugh at it every damn time. Gunn wonders about the letter Fred sent, and asks, "Can you picture Fred sneaking off to mail a letter?" Cordy snipes, "Fred can barely tie her shoes without Mr. Oh-You're-My- Big-Fat-Hero around." Angel sadly whispers, "You think I'm fat?" I know it's a stupid joke, but his delivery was genuinely funny. I wonder if he took a comedy class during the break. Maybe the writers should take one. Wesley wonders whether the Burkles are lying about the letter to make it seem like Fred wanted to contact them. Angel, not one to let somebody jump to a conclusion alone, leaps right in and adds, "If the letter's real, then she told them not to look for her. There's gotta be a reason for that." Cordy notes that Fred never mentions her family. Think these clowns ever asked Fred about her family? Me neither. Angel wonders where they should look for Fred. Gunn suggests hitting the local taco stands. Off their looks, he says he was kidding, "Kinda." Angel begs the others to think, since lord knows he can't. He asks, "What do we know about Fred?" Everyone ponders. Gunn brings up the tacos again. Angel sighs, and says he'll look for Fred in the sewers since she seemed so comfortable there. Wesley suggests checking the library Fred used to work for. Cordy wonders what they should do about the Burkles. She peeks out at them and says, "We can't just leave them here. What if Fred comes back?"

In the lobby, Roger asks Trish, "Is it time?" "Not yet," she says mysteriously. The gang troops out of the office, and Wesley invites the Burkles to join them in the search for Fred. Roger asks whether it would make more sense for them to "split up, cover more territory?" I assumed that's why they were brainstorming for different places to look, actually, but since they all hesitate before Gunn says, "Perhaps," it would appear that I'm once again giving them too much credit. And by "them," I mean the writers. Because would you watch a show about the pack of morons we see in this episode? Me neither. Except I am. But you know what I mean. Shut up. Angel announces that he's "gonna check out...some of [his], um, industry contacts." Trish is confused as to how that will help, but then catches herself and asks whether Fred is making movies, if you know what she means. Angel catches on, "You mean...? No, no! Of course not. It's just that some of these contacts, they know things sometimes. They're underground." Everyone else heads out. Wesley trails after the others, which symbolizes his leadership style nicely, and Angel pulls him aside to say, "Call me if --" Wesley nods. Well, duh. Does he really have to say, "Call me if you find Fred, so that I don't just keep uselessly wandering around in the sewers for hours like that last time." It'd be funny if they'd done that to him at some point, I admit.

By Strega

Fred's not upstairs, though. Everyone stares about at the walls of Fred's room. Angel picks up the discarded remains of the cone and wrapper and notes that Fred was definitely there earlier. We see one bit of the wall inscribed, "In theory things are possible, but in reality things don't work." Wow, and I thought I was depressed by this show. Trish notes that the stuff on the walls is, in a word, crazy. Roger whispers to her, "We might have to call them in sooner than we thought." Who? The story editors? I wish you would. Meanwhile, Cordy asks Gunn and Wesley, "When was the last time Fred ever left the hotel by herself?" Gunn quietly replies, "A couple weeks after never." Roger tells Angel, "We want our daughter." Wesley looks at the Burkles and says, "So what's she running from?" It's unclear whether the Burkles heard that, but it sure seems like they would have, since Wesley made no effort to keep his voice down.

Hey, remember "I Got You Under My Skin"? That's the episode with the father who acted suspiciously from the moment we saw him on-screen. Who Angel suspected was evil. And who turned out to be a perfectly good dad. To no one's surprise. Remember that? I don't know why I happened to think of it just now. Lesson two: the best way to mislead the audience is to be as blatant as possible with suspicious behavior, ominous music, and red herrings. The audience has never seen this trick before, and will foolishly fall for it every time.

Fred hurries down a dark street with her backpack. It would be kind of funny if she got attacked by vampires or demons right now, since she is a helpless girl in the big city. It would also be mildly interesting. No fear of that, then.

Angel's still practicing his Fred-calls in the sewer. He says, "There's nothing to be afraid of," at which point his cell phone rings, scaring him. See how funny that was? Yeah. I know. It's okay; we'll get through this together. Angel answers the phone and admits that he's had no luck finding Fred. He listens for a moment, then turns and says, "Oh. You mean the place she'd go for help and guidance. And we call ourselves detectives. I'll meet you there." During this, we see a shot of Angel through the spooky blur-o-vision lens, which effectively recreates the terrifying effects of a fun-house mirror at the county fair. He heads out, and behind him we see the silhouetted form of a monster with glowing purple eyes. What are we supposed to make of all this? Half the story is designed to make us suspect Fred's parents. Were we also meant to believe that this mysterious monster is in league with them? This isn't a show that normally has more than one monster per episode, so when you see the creature in the sewer, you're bound to figure that the Burkles are okay. You're bound to have realized that ten minutes ago, actually, but in case you had any doubt. Lesson four: if you're dealing with multiple stories that happen to converge at the climax, in the style of "Room W/A Vu," do your best to make sure that both storylines are extraordinarily slow-paced.

Cary looks around at the Burkles, Angel, and the MoG. He snarks, "Hey Gunn, why didn't you bring your other friends? 'Cause they make a party!" Gunn offers to wait outside, and Cary takes him up on the offer. C'mon, Cary -- it wasn't really Gunn's fault. He was just the innocent victim of a dumb episode. Of course, at least this way Gunn won't just have to stand there and watch everyone else get all the dialogue. As Gunn heads for the stairs, Cordy sighs noisily and Angel looks down in embarrassment. The Burkles stare around at everything, and Roger asks, "Is this one of your big industry contacts? Some guy in a bathrobe wearing makeup and fake horns?" Cary snaps, "They're not fake! And it's only a little eyeliner." Wesley introduces the Burkles and over-emphasizes, "They're here visiting from the country." Subtle, Wesley. Roger isn't amused, and says, "You'll have to forgive us hicks. Down in Texas, we don't get a lotta guys wearing eyeliner. Not for long, anyway." Tell that to the goths in Texas. Cordy insists that Cary just got back from a shoot. She adds, " He and Angel do monster movies together." Cary disputes that, and Angel pulls him aside. While they chat off-screen, Trish concludes that no one knows where Fred is. That's kind of why you're all out looking for her, Trish. See how the pieces fit together? Roger has another idea, and says, "Maybe they just don't want us to find her."

Angel says he's sorry about Caritas, but insists that they have to find Fred. Cary goes on a little rant about how he's not a "mystical vending machine, here to spit out answers every time [Angel] waltz[es] in with a problem." Yes, he is. Hasn't he seen the show? He asks why no one cares about his destiny, and keeps on complaining until Angel realizes that Cary is stalling. He asks whether Cary knows where Fred is. Cary responds by asking, "How do they get the pimentos in the olives? There's a mystery for you." He goes on like that for a while, but eventually gives up and says that Fred has reasons for avoiding her parents. He asks why Angel wants to "force a showdown." Angel points out that the Burkles aren't going to give up until they find Fred, and at least the MoG can help protect Fred this way. Cary finally gives in, but warns, "Play this one delicately, bro, cause it's gonna get messy." What the hell is he talking about now? If he's talking about Fred, there's a few tears and then everyone happily reconciles. If he's talking about the stupid bugs, there's no reason to make it sound so dire. I might be able to accept it if he was smirking a bit, because then I'd figure he was deliberately misleading Angel just to pay him back a little for the trashed club. But as it is, I just see the writer playing the audience for suckers at the characters' expense. Lesson five: do your best to make sure that the story becomes more nonsensical with repeated viewings.

We cut to a bus station. Fred is sitting on a bench to a scruffy differently-residing man. Fred is, of course, giving herself a little pep talk. "I can just get right up on that bus and be a whole new person. Like origami. Or plastic." No, I have no clue what she means. She continues, "Move someplace I never been with no money, no friends, no job. Easy as pie!" As she starts reciting pi, the man gets up with his various bags and shuffles away. Fred sadly explains that she was "just calculating pi to relax. I'm not dangerous." The guy ignores her and leaves, and Fred keeps on chatting to herself. She decides she could go to Vegas and play blackjack. "Memorized 452 consecutive digits of pi, a few hundred measly cards should be easy." Hey, she wasn't calculating pi at all, she had it memorized! Cheater. Behind her, we see Angel and...well, everybody enter the bus station and fan out to look for Fred. Fred looks up and sees her parents just as they spot her. She jumps up and runs toward the door, yelling, "No, you're not here! Go away!" The MoG surround her, and Fred stops and looks around as her parents rush to her. Fred cries, "You can't be them. You're not them, 'cause they don't know." Roger and Trish keep insisting that they are her parents, and Fred keeps denying it. She finally bursts out with the big non-dramatic non-revelation, which is, "It was just a story with monsters, not real, not in the world! But if you're here and you see me, then...then it's real, and it did happen. If you see what they made of me. I didn't mean to get so lost." Once again, this is exactly how I felt in high school. Well, not really. Um. Maybe just a little bit. Gosh, if Fred is this screwed up about her experiences, it's going to take some sensitive work to resolve her problem. Like, Trish will have to hug Fred, and everyone will need to cry a bit more, and Trish will need to say, "We'll make it all right." And Roger should probably says something like, "Everything's okay now." Luckily that's just what happens. Problem solved! Except for the giant CGI praying mantis that drops from the ceiling, of course. Lesson six: when the audience is about to turn off the television in disgust, grab their attention with special effects!

Apparently the giant bug cut the power, because that's when my screen goes black. But I can still hear Angel ordering everyone to run away and let him handle the infestation. It's like the golden days of radio -- so I guess that Bickersons reference was foreshadowing. Or not. The picture comes back as everyone but Angel scurries outside. A moment later, Angel crashes through the glass doors and lands in a pile at their feet. He's got his vamp-face on as the bug comes out after him. Everyone else runs for the car while Wesley gives the curious Roger a quick overview of the souled-vampire scenario. And then a message scrolls across the bottom of my screen in inch-high letters. Apparently this is my chance to win tickets to see "Thir13een [sic] Ghosts." The message goes by very slowly. Twice. I am not at all tempted to call, although I do find the message slightly more interesting to watch than the show. While that's going on, Wesley spots a golf bag in a pile of luggage. The squealing man-in-a-giant- mantis-outfit wallops Angel about a bit. Gunn fires an arrow at the bug, and then everyone starts clobbering it with golf clubs, and the action is shot in an extraordinarily annoying fashion. Intentionally or not, the jerky motion is reminiscent of Harryhausen stop-motion battle scenes. "Reminiscent" in the sense that it makes me think, "I remember forty-year-old movies about cowboys fighting dinosaurs that were more convincing than this is." Then, uh, something happens. I swear to you, I just watched it five times and I still can't figure it out. It looks as if, while aiming another arrow, Gunn is knocked down, which causes a golf club to slide across the floor toward Fred. I'm not entirely clear how these events are connected. I think that Cordy accidentally hit Gunn, and dropped her club in the process. Does it matter? Angel's knocked about a bit more, and the bug stabs him with its legs. Because a giant bug would, naturally, have sharpened legs. Fred rushes to defend him with the golf club, and is knocked aside. Roger then clobbers the bug with a trash can and shouts, "That's my daughter, you damn cockroach!" Angel takes that opportunity to grab the bug from behind, and Roger hurries to tend Fred. The bug throws Angel off and is hurrying to attack again when it's unexpectedly run over by a bus. The bus stops, coated in bug goo, and Trish hops out. She jumps up and down asking, "Did I get it, y'all?"

Bugvert. At the Hyperion, Cordy bandages Fred's arm. I get another chance to win movie tickets. I hate that scrolling message. The Burkles chat about demon-hunting with Cordy, and Fred takes this opportunity to notice that the pretty crystals she noticed in the sewers are also now visible on the Durslar's severed head. Trish complains that the severed head gives her the willies, and Roger grumbles, "Don't be silly, Trish! It's just a severed head!" I like Roger. I hate everything else about this episode. Gunn picks up the head to move it out of the way, and then there's some "funny" business as he mocks the fact that Trish is scared of a papier-mâché head, and then Angel tells Gunn that it's a real head, and then Gunn rushes away to wash his hands. Because we all know that Gunn is squeamish, not to mention stupid, and also deaf. See lesson one. But it's really just another clever method of getting him out of the room so that he won't feel hurt upon realizing that he doesn't get any lines for a while. Angel and Wesley watch the Burkles fuss over Fred. Cordy finishes bandaging Fred's arm and calls, "up: multiple stab wounds. Angel!" Angel hops up and gibbers, "Oh, it's my turn! Yay!" and skips over to the sofa. Cordy quietly says, "What a dork." At this point, I figure that the body-switching spell from last week went tragically awry, because everyone is behaving in ways that are incomprehensible and out of character.

By Strega

Trish and Cordy are chatting on the couch in the lobby. Trish explains that Roger loves the Alien movies, but adds, "Except for that last one they made -- I think he dozed off." What a daring and amusing reference to Mr. Whedon's forays into the cinematic world. To quote a popular line from the Aliens movies: "Kill me." They commiserate about what a wacky, demon-infested world they live in, and Trish says she's glad that Fred's going home, where it's safer. Roger and Gunn wander out carrying Fred's axe-in-the-box. Wesley explains that it's probably a weapon, in case we forgot that he said that earlier. Because that fact just might turn out to be important. Bets? Angel, carrying Fred's suitcase, leads Fred downstairs. Trish asks, "You got everything packed, baby? What about that shirt with the bug guts on it? You threw that out, right?" Fred explains that she wanted to keep it as a souvenir. Roger beams and enthuses, "That's my girl!" Fred makes her goodbye speech. She hugs Gunn, Wesley, and Cordelia. Cordy whispers, "I'm almost a little jealous." Fred turns to look at Angel, and they just stare at each other for a minute while she thanks him. He hands her the suitcase. No hug? Poor Fred. She gives them a final wave from the door and leaves with her parents.

The Burkles are riding a cab through L.A. Roger says that Fred's room is just as she left it, "except for the guy who's renting it out, but his lease is up in a month." Fred's shocked that they rented out her room. Even though she wasn't living there even before she went to Pylea. Unless she had one hell of a commute. There's a "comedy" bit when the cab driver overhears them talking about "alternate dimensions." Sigh. Fred opens her bag and pulls out her bug-goo-coated shirt. Except now it's covered with pretty crystals. She stares at it for a minute and then tells the driver to turn around.

Angel and the MoG are sitting around in the office, engaged in a big angst-fest. Cordelia says that she misses the Burkles. Angel agrees that they were nice, and Cordy insists, "They weren't just nice, Angel, they were --" Gunn finishes, "Parents." I don't think I quite get this yet. Could you maybe spell it out for me with scrolling text along the bottom of the screen? Wesley overshares, "They loved her. Supported her. They didn't grind her down into a tiny self-conscious nub with their constant berating, their neverending tirade of debasement and scorn and..." Seems like the word might be "recaps," doesn't it? Was that a shout-out? After a pause in which everyone makes it clear that they don't really care about Wesley's issues -- and who can blame them? -- Cordy observes that at least Fred has a chance for a normal life. She says, "Things are just never normal around here -- you know?" I wonder if that will cue some kind of ironic situation. Oh look -- out in the lobby, the Durslar's head is starting to...uh, bubble.

Despite the threat of something happening, we return from the commercials to find things completely unchanged. Phew. Wesley claims that Fred was capable, leading Cordy to repeat her claim that Fred couldn't tie her own shoes, leading Angel to repeat his "I'm not fat" joke. Lesson seven: if you do accidentally manage to happen upon a funny moment, repeat it until any remaining comedy is safely drained away. Angel explores new realms of the bizarre as he says, "She was just this nice, quiet kind of crazy. I found it soothing." Cordy goes along for the trip, and insists, "I can be soothing. I could soothe your ass off, pal." Oh look, I have another chance to win tickets to Thirteen Ghosts. Hasn't anyone won yet? Cordy insists that she's glad Fred's gone, and after going on about that for a minute, Angel says that Fred will visit. Cordelia immediately chirps, "Do you really think she'll come back and visit?" Cordy is well known as one who hides her feelings, so it's funny here when she slips up and reveals her emotions. Except she isn't, and it's not. See lesson one. The Durslar head keeps on percolating, and one of them glowey-eyed bugs lurks outside the hotel. Cordy puts her shoes on and declares that it's time to go home. She gets out to the lobby and cuts short her monologue due to the giant bug in the lobby.

The bug carefully negotiates the stairs into the lobby. I pause for a minute to work out where the legs of the person wearing the costume are. Not a bad design. Pity it still looks rather silly. When I press play again, I am struck again by how mindlessly annoying the "stop-motion" effect is. Cut it out! Gunn asks whether the bug wasn't killed after being hit by a bus. Angel explains that it isn't the same bug. At which point we see a whole bunch of bugs out in the courtyard. There's still time to win movie tickets. These contest alerts are almost as annoying as the show. After staring for a moment, they decide to make a run for the weapons. Angel rolls across the front desk and dodges the bug while Gunn and Wesley run to the weapons cabinet. Angel's knocked down for the fiftieth time this episode, and as Wesley runs up to get knocked over, Fred enters with her parents. "I'm here!" she yells. After looking around for a moment, she adds, "I'm late!" She sets down her decapitation-machine. How'd they get past the bugs? The bugs were only coming in through the side door? And now that I mention it, how'd the stupid bug open the door in the first place? While Gunn and Wesley try to push the bug away from Angel, Fred steps on a pedal attached to her box, which catapults an axe across the room. It lands neatly in the Durslar's head, splitting it open. A large number of cockroaches begin crawling out of what's left of the head. Ew. The bug is distracted by this, and moves toward the head as the others help Angel up. Then, supposedly, the bug scoops the head up in one...leg...despite the lamentable absence of any digits with which to grip it. Everyone watches in awe as the bug turns and leaves. Awe, or perhaps bafflement. As it climbs the stairs toward the door, the bug is no longer carrying the head. Unless the head is stuffed under one of its wings. I hate this stupid show.

Once they've all caught their breath, Angel -- understandably -- would like an explanation. Fred reminds him about the crystals she saw in the sewer, and shows him the crystals on her shirt. She says, "Those crystals are just dried-up bug goop. It must've laid its eggs in the Durslar's head, which would explain the Durslar coming up out of the sewer, 'cause, I mean, wouldn't you be a little crazy if you had eggs in your head?" She says that when Angel killed the Durlsar and took its head, the bug "had to track him down to get its babies back." Well, that certainly makes perfect sense. Except, how does a bug track someone down? And why did it lay eggs in the Durslar's head? And since we know that it doesn't take long for the bug-goo to crystallize, how did it get on the Durslar head so recently? Also, why do they seem so unconcerned that, under L.A., there's a hive of giant insects which lay their eggs inside other living beings? Lesson eight: whatever you do, don't make any sense. And by the way, do you get how the bugs just wanted to care for their children? Just like the Burkles do Fred? See how the stories resonate with meaning? If you do, let me know what you're drinking. Wesley compliments Fred on her deduction, and Gunn chimes in to admire the axe-apult. Fred says, "That was just a random thought I had: what if you had to do battle with your arms cut off? Sure, you'd hemorrhage to death pretty quick, but at least you could take your enemy with you." Uh huh. Fine. All of this leads Fred to declare that the whole thing has been "a stunnin' revelation of [her] true path in life." Fred makes one of her cute self-deprecating speeches, the short version of which is that she isn't really suited for a normal life now, and so she belongs with Angel and the MoG. She nervously turns to the MoG and adds, "If y'all don't want to put up with me, I completely understand." Wesley quickly says, "Let's put it to a vote, shall we? All in favor say aye? Aye. Motion passed. Good. You're staying." Delighted grins all around. On the show. The expressions in my apartment are more along the lines of disgusted grimaces. Fred turns to her parents, who, of course, are understanding and supportive. Roger says, "We'll have to stick around for another a couple of weeks." Fred sighs, "Daddy..." Roger amends that to "days." Because after five years of not knowing if she'll ever see her parents again, Fred's already sick of them. And her parents feel the same way. See lesson one.

By Strega

At the desk, Wesley asks Fred how she feels. She digresses momentarily and then answers, "Kinda like a giant bug tried to rip my arm off, and Angel saved me." Trish says that Angel does that a lot, which she would know because...? Then Fred claims, "Angel's a champion, and Wesley's the brains of the operation, and Gunn's the muscle, and Cordy's the heart, and I'm..." She stops and looks worried. Perhaps she had a moment of clarity, and realized how little sense that made. Angel's the champion, but Gunn's the muscle? Aren't those the same job? And Cordy's the heart? Cordy? I can't even talk about Wesley. I think what she meant to say is, "Angel's the title character, Wesley's the lame comedy sidekick, Gunn's the lamentably underused good actor, Cordy's the girl in distress, and I'm here to make sure Gunn stays underused." Roger finally explains his ominous earlier remarks by saying they were getting ready to call the police "on a bunch of superheroes." Angel faux-bashfully insists that he's not a hero, just as Gunn gets called back to the set to say, "More like a bloodsucking fiend." Angel looks hurt, and Gunn smirks. Because his out-of-the-blue distrust for Angel's demonic nature has gone from a sore point to a source of good-natured ribbing. Roger thanks Angel for saving Fred, and somehow that leads Roger and Angel to discover a shared interest in golf trivia. Fred suddenly declares, "I want to go home." Everyone stops talking and looks at her. She explains, "If Angel hadn't gotten me out of the way, you'd all be laughing in the morgue right now. Maybe not laughing, but the point is, I think I should go home, where it's quiet, and safe, and monsters don't eat your family." She asks her parents if they're disappointed, and Trish smiles and insists that it'll be good to have her back home. The Burkle family has a group hug. Gunn sadly says, "She'll probably be happier there." Wesley reluctantly agrees.

By Strega

Do you realize I could be watching Freaks right now? There's no justice. Fred's staring about her room as Angel pokes his head in. He asks how she is, and Fred answers, "Kinda weird and fizzy. But excited. A little sad. Thankful. Sort of cautiously happy. Relieved and worried at the same time. Slightly nauseous [sic] while still being hopeful." Angel looks around at the graffiti and asks if she'll remember all of her notes. Fred says she will, because it's a story. She turns to the walls and tells the story, which is a little fairy tale that I think could be summed up by saying -- can you guess? -- "Handsome man saved her from the monsters." In case we don't quite get it yet, she has more to say: "The minute they got back to the castle, the handsome man went away again. And even though she didn't mean to, didn't want to, high up in that castle tower, the girl just built herself another cave. Hoping he would save her again." She tells Angel that he can't save her this time. From what? From her loving parents? There aren't enough "whatever"s in the world for me right now.

By Strega

Daytime at the Hyperion. Everyone is helping paint over the walls of Fred's room. Are they going to help tidy up some other parts of the hotel? I mean, they might as well, while they're in the mood. And if it's just a matter of giving her a room free of nutzoid rambling on the wall, she could just move to one of the other empty rooms. Roger says, "Now, Spiro Agnew: I know he was a --" Angel interrupts: "A Grathnar demon! You knew that? I thought I was the only one that knew that!" Roger, not unreasonably, asks, "What else would he be but a demon?" Wesley wanders out to correct Gunn's painting style. Wesley has managed to get white paint on his arms, but none on his black shirt. Trish tells Gunn and Wesley not to fight, and they sulkily chorus, "Okay." Cordy enters with pizza and offers some to Fred. Fred says she just wants to finish one act of deep symbolism first. She picks up a roller and stares at a drawing of two people riding a dog. Horse! All right, I suppose it's Fred and Angel escaping the Pylean demons. After a minute, she paints over it as heartwarming music plays. I vomit.

week: who cares?