Angel S02E12

Valentine has four credited writers, and I'm guessing there were a few dozen others who didn't do enough to get credit. (And I'm sure they're crying about that now.) With that many people working on a movie, you'd think that at least one of them would have seen a slasher movie before, right? But this movie feels like it was written by people who have heard about movies like Halloween and Prom Night, but haven't actually seen them. Which is a pity, because Valentine actually would have been better if it had been more predictable. You can play with the rules of a slasher movie all you want, as Wes Craven loves to demonstrate, but those rules are there for a reason; they work. You don't have to take chances on originality when you've got four bimbos and a maniac who hates them. That's the beauty of the genre; that's why it's perfect when you're on a tight budget. But the people who wrote this one thought they could improve on an old standard, and they started throwing in extra characters and motivations and, believe it or not, I think there's an attempt at social commentary. Yuck. Behold the dangers of hubris. Oh, and by the way, yes, I will be revealing the plot of the movie. You've been warned. On the other hand, I'm basing this off the notes I took during the movie and my rapidly fading memories of it, so the spoilers might be completely inaccurate.

Before I get into that, though, since there were about ten trailers before the movie, I must share a few thoughts on them. First, is anyone out there silly enough to be misled by the Monkey Bones ads? When they say, "From the director of The Nightmare Before Christmas," they aren't talking about Tim Burton. And considering how well Burton's done at the box office lately, it's a really bad sign when the studio figures his name might sell more tickets than the real director's. However, I was delighted to see that Kerr "Jack" Smith appears to be taking the Jason Patric role in The Forsaken, which looks like someone mixed together pages from Lost Boys and The Addiction. The MPAA rating for American Outlaws indicates that the movie contains "western violence." I think that means no kung-fu. And apparently someone thinks that DMX will be able to trick people into seeing a Steven Seagal movie. I have my doubts. Okay, lets get to the main event.

In a tribute to The Fugitive, we get the backstory during the opening credits. At a junior high school Valentine's Day dance, a geeky kid named Jeremy Melton asks all the cute girls to dance with him. Their names are Kate, Paige, Lilly, and Shelly. They mock him. Then he asks a fat girl named Dorothy to dance. He and Dorothy end up kissing under the bleachers, and, no, that's not a metaphor for something else. They're spotted by a bunch of bullies. Dorothy says that Jeremy attacked her, hoping that the bullies will focus their stupidity on him. It works. Message: fat girls can't be trusted. Anyway, the bullies dump a bowl of punch on Jeremy, because they're all out of pig's blood. Somewhere in here, Jeremy gets a nosebleed. No, seriously, that's a plot point. I swear. The bullies strip him, for bonus humiliation points, and start beating him up. End credits.

Okay, we have the revenge motive. And it makes as much sense as any other slasher pic. But here's one problem: we already know the killer's motive. The writers try to substitute "Which character is actually Jeremy all grown up?" for "Who is the killer and why?" Which looks like a more interesting question to you? Yeah, that's what I thought. And here's the other problem: before the movie's started, the audience already likes the killer and hates the victims. Again, you can do that later, after we already have some sympathy for the characters, and it's not quite so bad. We'll think, "Gosh, we all did nasty things when we were kids." But I was eagerly awaiting Denise Richards' bloody death before I got to the theater, so don't give me more reasons to sit there chanting, "Faster, Cherub, kill, kill!"

Right, so it's thirteen years later. Not exactly thirteen years, though, because it's not Valentine's Day yet. Hell, I don't know if it's February yet. Here's another tip for the writers: you name the movie after a holiday, and you really have to hammer that part home. You need to have characters referring to their holiday plans, you need to show festive decorations, you need to get the audience to feel like there's a countdown happening. Because then we know how long we have to wait before there's some serious gore to be seen. I have no idea how much time passes between scenes in this movie. For all I know, the first murder takes place in November. Speaking of which...

Katherine Heigl is Shelly. She has a bad date. Message: men are conceited jerks. Then she goes to study for her medical exam by performing an autopsy late at night in the creepy empty science building. Sure, it's nonsense, but that's the kind of nonsense that I expect from this kind of movie, so it's okay. She's one of those squeamish med students, though, so she covers the cadaver's face before she starts slicing. Then she's distracted by a mysterious noise. We have the obligatory fake scare when she's startled by another student, so at least the writers got that part right. Although in most movies, they have a cat to provide the fake scare. Maybe they couldn't afford to pay both Denise Richards' acting coach and a cat trainer. All righty, so Shelly finds a card that says, "The journey of love is an arduous trek. / My love grows for you as you bleed from the neck." Aw. I wish you could see the card, because the visual element is nice. Inside there's an illustration of a loving couple. At the bottom there's a little tab, and when Shelly pulls it down, the guy in the drawing lifts a big knife. Heh. I so want a set of these cards. Oh yeah, and the card is signed "J.M." Do I even need to complain about having the killer sign the threatening letters? Sure, the victims are meant to be dumb as a box of rocks in these movies, but not the killer! Sigh.

Well, at this point you might guess that Shelly is the first victim. You're right. She goes back to her study partner, lifts her scalpel yet again, and is about to cut into the belly when the body inhales. I totally called the body-switching five minutes ago. And so did everyone else in the theater, and everyone who is reading this Extra, and everyone who ever lived. And their pets. Shelly is scared out of her wee mind. Which surprises me, because don't medical students often get up to these kinds of kooky hijinks with corpses? Or have I been misled by my college professors and their wacky anecdotes again? Anyway, Shelly goes running, and the Cherub follows in that businesslike way that we expect from our homicidal maniacs. Except for a trickle of blood that starts leaking out of the mask's nose. That kind of spoils the effect. Say, I wonder if that's a clue of some kind. Shelly ends up hiding in the morgue. She looks around at all the body bags. The Cherub enters, is completely fooled by Shelly's clever ruse, and leaves. Oh wait, that's not what happens. Actually, the Cherub goes from bodybag to bodybag and stabs a big knife into each one. Five or six bags get tested this way, and then the Cherub walks over to another bodybag and unzips it. Good guess -- there's Shelly. She screams for a minute and then the Cherub slits her throat. Back to Roswell with her.

Hang on, I've got to bring up another general topic. The actresses. There are three identical blondes. They don't even have different haircuts. Apparently the writers thought that the characters were so distinctive that we'd have no trouble remembering who was who. As tactical errors go, that one is on a par with invading Russia. In the middle of winter. I took notes during the movie, and afterwards I had to correct them because I kept referring to the characters by the wrong names. Once again, the writers are messing with the formula. All you need is a spunky redhead, a curly-haired ditz, a studious brunette, and a blonde bimbo. We know those characters. We're used to them. We don't have to waste precious time getting to know them. And then there's good ol' Denise Richards. In this movie, she demonstrates that her acting methods are growing and developing, because she has a slightly different style of non-acting than usual. Basically, she stares a lot. When another character says a line to her, she stares at them flatly for anywhere between five and twenty seconds, and then she says her line. It's kind of fascinating. Is it intentional? Is she distracted by something? Is she just trying to remember her line? Puzzling out the longer words on the cue cards? Waiting for someone to offer her a treat? She does it throughout the movie, though, so ten out of ten for consistency.

Okay, I think I'm ready to go on with this. , we meet Marley Shelton as Kate. She's the heroine. She's not smarter or nicer than the other blondes, though, so I'm not sure why we're supposed to root for her. Or maybe we aren't. I don't care, and I don't even care that I don't care. That's how dull this thing is. Anyway, Kate is hanging out with her good friend Paige. Denise Richards is Paige. She, of course, does have a distinctive character: she's queen of the bitches. Paige convinces Kate to try some "turbo dating." That's the thing where you talk to eligible singles for thirty seconds at a time. Or something. In this movie, it's an excuse for character development. No, that can't be it; there's no character to develop. Um, it's an excuse for male bashing, maybe? Because all the men are made to look stupid here. Or maybe there's no point to this at all. That's a thought. Intentionally or not, we establish that Kate isn't as irritating as Paige, and come to think of it, maybe that's all it takes to make her the heroine. In the course of the turbo dating, we also learn that men are irritating, and that Paige is a whore. I do have to give the writers credit for being fairly even-handed in the stereotypes throughout the movie. Both sexes are made out to be equally loathsome, which is a message I can get behind. They finally, mercifully, wind up the turbo dating and leave the bar. Kate gets a phone call and is shocked to hear about Shelly's murder. This is when I started wondering how much time had passed. Is it the same night as the murder? Probably not. But is it the night? Or a week later? I have no idea.

Time passes. Perhaps another night, perhaps several days, because the girls have gathered at Shelly's funeral. David Boreanaz makes his grand entrance. I thought people in the forums were kidding, but wow, it really is disconcerting to see him wearing something other than black. Particularly given that it's a funeral and all. Very respectful there, David. So, he's Kate's boyfriend, Adam, a sports reporter. Only they're not dating just now because he's an alcoholic. Hey, a reporter who drinks too much! See, these are the kinds of clichéd characters that I look for in a slasher movie. We establish that he's been sober for a month or two, and he wants to date Kate again. Kate is hesitant. During their chat, we establish that Kate has a creepy neighbor. Boreanaz does his slightly befuddled and awkward flirting thing, which we've seen so much of on Angel. But practice makes, well, passable, and in this movie that's a pleasant change. Adam leaves.

Enter Detective Vaughn. You can practically hear the director shout, "Bring on the plot device!" Detective Vaughn found the spooky card that Shelly got, and wonders who "J.M." might be. It seems that those initials also belong to the date Shelly had the night she was killed. Who has mysteriously vanished. Lucky thing, that. The other characters can't think of any other suspects. Oh yeah, and they haven't even seen Shelly in the past year, because she's so busy with med school. I don't know why that's important, but they mention it a couple of times. Maybe it was relevant in an earlier draft.

Now it's time to get to know Jessica Capshaw, as Dorothy. Also known as "Blonde number two." She's at home when she gets her card. It says "Roses are red, violets are blue, / They'll need dental records to identify you." Her not-quite-boyfriend, Campbell, shows up looking for a place to stay. He is a red herring. She is happy to let him move into one of the guest rooms, because she's rich. Or rather, her dad is. She lives with her dad and her stepmom, who is about the same age as Dorothy. The stepmom enters, and they argue. Things threaten to get interesting as a catfight almost breaks out, and Dorothy shouts, "Get your hands off me, you mail-order bride from hell!" That, ladies and gentlemen, is the best line in the movie. Which is yet another problem with this movie: not enough wretched dialogue. If you can't make a good movie, make a very, very bad one. Either way, I'm entertained. Unfortunately, the writers here were just good enough to keep things nice and dull. Dorothy's father enters and stops the Freudian rivalry. Message: men are dogs, and women are gold diggers. Are you starting to notice another problem here? Too. Many. Characters. As if the blonde triplets aren't enough, they've all got boyfriends and family members and neighbors, and I think we're supposed to keep track of all of these people. Later in the movie one of the guys from the turbo dating returns. For no real reason. Are all of these people meant to be suspects? Or did the writers genuinely believe that we were all hoping for a combination slasher film and soap opera? I don't need to get to know the characters, I don't care about their family or their feelings; I just want to see some senseless violence, okay? And by the way, writers -- there's this thing called "pacing." I hear it's all the rage in cinematic circles. So, we've established Dorothy has an unhappy family life and a lame pseudo-boyfriend. ?

Kate is trying to help out by performing the obligatory shower scene. I guess someone finally remembered that this was a slasher movie. Although I owe it to the prurient readers to warn you that this flick is lacking even the least little bit of gratuitous nudity. They just don't make 'em like they used to, folks. So, Kate hears a mysterious noise (over the sound of running water, yes) and goes to investigate without even stopping to wash the shampoo out of her hair. The mysterious noise did not sound like a gunshot or a fire alarm, so I have a little trouble with the fact that she doesn't take thirty seconds to rinse her hair. She looks around. Nothing. When Kate returns to finish her shower, the water won't come on. She tries the sink. No water. She's gonna be late for work. Oh, the tension. She looks for bottled water in the fridge. No water. This was every bit as exciting to watch as it is for you to read about. Guess what? There's still no water. Eventually Kate resorts to dipping her head in the toilet bowl to get the shampoo out. This scene caused more horrified reactions from the audience than any of the gory killings. I think that's kinda funny. She calls the super to complain, then realizes that her door is open, then wanders down the hall to investigate. In a towel. And she's the heroine. It's kind of hard to care about her, when she's this dumb, isn't it? She finds the elevator door is blocked open with a cupid mask. Then Gary, her creepy neighbor, whose creepiness she made a big point of mentioning to Adam, is creepy at her, and she goes back to her apartment. Anybody who even for a moment thought that Gary was the killer is no longer allowed to read my recaps.

Time to meet Jessica Cauffiel as Lily. She lives with Paige. Lily finds a box of candy with a card on the doorstep. The card reads, "'Tis a well known fact, beauty is skin deep, / To savor the taste, you are what you eat." Yeah, it's signed "J.M." Whoa, that one didn't even scan. I should say that I'm not entirely sure I got that poem down correctly, because it seems like "so" would make more sense than "to." On the other hand, it doesn't make too much sense either way, and really, who cares? You get the idea. They argue about whom the card and candy are intended for. Paige insists that they must be for Lily. The candies are opened, Lily bites into one, and yum, it's full of maggots. This would be a good time for someone to quote Forrest Gump. But I'm not going to do it. It must have taken quite some effort to get those maggots into the candy. No wonder the Cherub's poem wasn't as good this time. The grossed-out girls discuss who would do such a thing. And who has the initials "J.M." Eventually Paige remembers old Jeremy and the party. Gosh, could he be the killer? See, now would be a good time to have a few parts of the flashback. And then save the revelation of Dorothy's betrayal of him for the climax. But nah. Then there'd be a slight reason to pay attention. Yawn.

Now that we've finally met all of the main characters in more detail than anyone ever wanted to, it's time to start spilling blood, right? No, it's time to go meet some more supporting characters. Won't that be fun? The girls all go to see an installation by Lily's boyfriend, Max the artist. Max has facial hair. He is wild and rebellious like that. Dorothy shows up with Campbell the red herring. Campbell's ex-girlfriend appears. She yells at Campbell and says she wants back the money he owes her. That's right, this is a slasher movie with tertiary characters. Maybe Campbell is just using Dorothy for her money. Maybe he's not a nice guy. Maybe this subplot belongs in another movie. Oh yeah, during the chitchat we also establish that Lily is going on a trip to Los Angeles the day.

So, the installation is a big maze with pictures of studly men and recorded voices asking generic questions. At least, that's what the girls see. Max divides up the people by sex, and the men and women each go into different entrances and presumably see different versions. Um, this movie is set in San Francisco. You want me to believe that an artist in San Francisco assumes that his entire audience is heterosexual? Whatever. The girls get separated, and Lily runs into Max in an isolated corner of the maze. They start making out, but then Max introduces his friend, another artist named Amy. It appears that Max wants to bring Amy in to, shall I say, collaborate on a piece. Lily is infuriated and shouts, "You turned out to be a cheap, hypocritical bastard!" Max replies, "Yeah, but you knew that." I don't know what he did to make those adjectives apply, but I once dated an artist with facial hair, and they certainly applied to him, so I can accept it. You guys will have to come up with your own Freudian ways to help this scene make sense. Message: men are sex crazed, and women arenot. Anyway, Lily stomps off, gets lost in the maze, and then that darn Cherub appears. Thank goodness -- I was starting to forget that there was a killer on the loose. The Cherub is armed with a bow, and as blood drips from a cherubic nostril, Lily gets three arrows to the gut. She gets a very nice dramatic plunge down a Vertigo-style stairwell, landing in a dustbin at the bottom, which promptly slams shut. Because of Lily's trip to LA, no one will miss her. In fact, at the end of the movie, they still haven't found her body. So I guess the "dental records" thing applies, and the killer is two for two.