First, I have an important correction to make to last week's recap. In it, I said that while the show was airing, Johanna was out shopping for Backstreet Boys Valentine's Day cards. The truth is, she was looking at N'Sync Valentine's Day cards. The Backstreet Boys cards she found were generic, and not associated with any particular holiday. I am deeply and profoundly sorry for any anguish caused by my error. Please forgive me.
Previously on Angel, Angel cut off Lindsey's hand, left a bunch of lawyers to be drained by vampires, set Darla and Drusilla aflame, and fired his employees. stop: the wardrobe department. I hope.
Cordelia's apartment. Close up of Wesley whispering, "You think I don't have what it takes?" Close up of Gunn replying, "I know you don't have what it takes." I'm sorry, I must call a time out. Can we gather all the writers for Buffy and Angel over here for a second? Come on, people, huddle up around the monitor. Now lean in real close and pay attention here: The out-of-context gimmick? It's over. No more. You only cut in on the middle of a scene like that when it's actually a wacky, trivial situation. You've never, ever done it when there was something suspenseful going on. The gag only works if we think it might be serious. We don't. We never have. It's just boring. After just those two lines of dialogue, I figured that Wesley and Gunn were playing Foosball. I was wrong on the details, but right about the basic concept. Do you understand? I don't want to have to explain this again. Sheesh. Now I have to start the recap all over again.
Cordelia's apartment. Wesley and Gunn are playing Risk. Sorry, did I spoil the joke? No, I didn't, because it was predictable. Right. Gunn is winning, and describes the situation thusly: "Three-fifths of the world covered in water, the rest covered in me! Who's your ruler, baby?" That's when Cordelia stomps out of the bedroom in a robe and points out that it's getting late. Her hair's even shorter and streakier. I liked the other cut better. Wesley says it's only 7:30. It's hard to blame Cordy for being blunt (much like her hairdo) when she says, "Really? Oh, in that case...get out!" Wesley worries that Cordy will have a vision, but Cordy says she'll call if that happens. Gunn says, "What if Angel --" Cordy glares, "I thought we weren't gonna say the A-word." Did they all become twelve years old? Wesley insists that they aren't waiting to hear from Angel, and they're on their own, fighting the good fight, blah blah blah Doyle-cakes. Gunn points out they have no plan, office, or business cards. Because business cards are such an important part of battling evil. Actually, it appears that they are, because Wesley says the first thing they should do is get new cards. He pulls out one of the Angel Investigations cards, and Gunn has to go through the whole sad bit about how the drawing looks more like a lobster. Three minutes into the show and I'm filled with bile. Gunn and Wesley start proposing new mottoes, one of which is "We'll catch you when you fall," and of course that's when Cordy gets a vision and keels over. Still waiting for a joke they haven't made before. Cordy describes her vision: "It has two heads, and it breathes fire. It's gigantic! And it's rising up in the sewers beneath Kenyard School for Girls." Gunn and Wesley scurry off.
Angel trudges along the sidewalk, while a blonde carrying a large box walks toward him. A bicyclist races by, and Angel ducks out of the way and collides with the girl, who drops the box. Apologies, expressions of surprise. Mutterings among the audience as we recognize the girl as Anne, née Lily, née Chanterelle. Angel helps collect the clothes that have fallen out of the box, and Anne explains that she was hurrying to get to work. Noticing a particularly garish item, he asks, "You do clown work?" She works for the East Hills Teen Center, which apparently can afford to purchase boxes stenciled with its logo. Okay. The box is refilled. Anne departs with a "See ya around," which strikes me as on odd thing to say to someone you've literally bumped into on the street, but perhaps I'm overly formal. Later in the episode, we learn that Angel "arranged" to bump into Anne. Uh, how? It's a pretty good piece of timing. Is that Boone riding the bike? On slow-mo, it doesn't look like Boone, and more's the pity, because if it had been, I'd give the episode some extra points. Which it needs. Badly.
Angel returns to his room and pulls Anne's wallet out of his coat. His downward spiral continues: now he's a pickpocket. Angel's nose inexplicably fills the screen. Then we see that Angel has covered the table and one wall with black-and-white photographs. My god, he's worse than a pickpocket; he's becoming an interior designer! Oh, hey, those are all photos of Anne. What a coincidence. And in at least one of the photos, she's walking down the street with Lindsey. Gasp. Angel's nose-cam returns, and the credits are sneezed out. Hey, why'd Angel take her wallet when he clearly knows a lot about her already? Just to inconvenience her? So that she'll be impressed when he gives it back?
Gunn and Wesley creep through the beloved "random tunnel" set. Gunn, carrying his hubcap-axe, reminds us that they're looking for a two-headed fire-breathing monster. He says, "Right about now I wouldn't mind having --" Wesley interrupts to say that wishing Angel was there won't help them now. Gunn explains, "I was gonna say, 'some dynamite.'" Wesley considers going back for dynamite right away (from?), but then there's a menacing growl. They move forward and we see their stunned expressions as they peer around a corner. Gunn tells us that the tunnel's twenty feet high, yet the monster was crouching. Hey, I just noticed that the executive producer is one "Kelly A. Manners." She lives at Manners Manor, too! You knew I'd find a way to keep working that in, didn't you? Wesley suggests, "We'll take another look, and then we'll --" "Die!" Gunn whispers. Nevertheless, they take another look. Wesley says they should wait till the creature's back is turned. They wait, Wesley says, "Now!" and they leap out. And promptly jump back as fire blazes out toward them. Wesley fans the air while Gunn complains, "I thought she said he breathed fire!" Snicker. It's so nice when we all can be twelve together, isn't it? At this point, I think we can take it as read that this episode should not be taken seriously. They prepare themselves, and leap out again with a hearty battle cry. I'm very pleased by their decision to not actually show the monster. Perhaps they've learned a few lessons from that pathetic snake on Buffy.
Cut to the "Newt's hideaway" set. Oh, now it's Merl's place. He starts to open the door, and from outside, Angel pushes it into his nose. Merl says he won't invite Angel inside. Angel enters and reminds the world that an invitation isn't necessary for him to enter a "demon lair." Merl says, "Yeah, but it's polite." Angel worries that Merl is avoiding him: "I ask you for a favor, and you're avoiding me. That's impolite." Merl points out that leaving him dangling upside down in a sewer "ain't exactly Emily Post." Years of Moonlighting, Cheers and Remington Steele cause me to begin wondering when they'll just admit they're in love with each other. Angel says, "So we're both rude. Y'know what? I can live with that." He doesn't say it in a particularly menacing way, as you'd expect, though. Because they're in love. Then Angel starts unenthusiastically threatening violence if Merl doesn't provide him with some information. About this time, we can see the tattered furnishings, and, incongruously, an Indigo iMac posed on a table in the background. Merl gives in and plops into an armchair. He says, in full Nicholson-Slater-imitation mode, "I checked out the girl. She's clean, chaaaanged her naaaame a couple of times, but no record." Angel asks how Anne is connected to Wolfram & Hart. Merl says that the shelter almost lost its lease a few months previously, but Wolfram & Hart helped them out pro bono. Angel says that Anne's still working with them, and Merl petulantly whines, "You know so much, what d'ya need me for?" He asks after "that hot chick who was working for you." Angel just shakes his head and insists that Wolfram & Hart must have an angle. Merl says "as far as I can tell, the shelter itself is strictly leeee-git." Mere bold cannot convey how annoying his whiny singsong speech pattern is. He and Darla should get together. Somewhere far, far away from me. Angel turns to leave, and Merl asks about the $100 he was promised as payment. Angel says, "I'll owe you...just make sure you use it for some new furniture." He looks around skeptically and shakes his head. "Beanbag chairs?" he tsks. Slightly amusing, mostly for the delivery on that one.
At the teen center, Anne is demonstrating her firm but compassionate character in the direction of a lowly extra who isn't permitted any lines. Anne spots Angel and greets him with, "Hey! Guy I ran over!" Angel responds, "Hey! Girl who ran over me." Names are exchanged, and Angel hands over a paper bag of donations. Anne looks inside the bag and pulls out the pink flowery piece of garbage that Cordelia wore in "Reunion." Hee! Anne questions the garment's provenance, and Angel explains, "A friend left her clothes at my place. I won't be seeing her any time soon, so I figured..." The end of that sentence is, "...that I'd do her a favor by getting rid of this, the ugliest shirt ever created." Anne nods knowingly and asks, "Ex-girlfriend?" Angel winces and moans, "God, no." Angel wishes he could do more to help the shelter, and Anne tells him, "Well, mister leather jacket, if you really want to help maybe you should consider donating some of your own clothes, or a spare gallon of mousse, or something that you weren't planning to throw out anyway, because it's not like these clothes are going to be useful. Look at this shirt! PeTA wouldn't let a dead monkey wear this shirt!" Not really. She just takes him on a tour. Is he really helping the shelter by allowing Anne to give him a guided tour of its special features? If so, I sure wish I could do more to help George Clooney.
Anne shows off her office, which she describes as "small." It isn't. It's so not-small, in fact, that there's a cot there. And a big desk, and chairs, and a lot of windows, and a wet bar, and a pool table, and over by the door there's a small pride of lions who are getting ready to sneak up on the peaceful herd of gazelle we can see grazing in the distance. Anne explains the cot by saying that sometimes she works late, and it's easier to crash at the office than to go home. Why are they establishing this? I haven't a clue. Perhaps this is supposed to establish that Anne's office counts as her home, and so Angel had to get invited in, which he was? But that doesn't make a lot of sense either. Maybe it's just to establish her dedication. For some reason. Anne says the shelter is supported entirely by donations, although they have a "guardian angel." Angel wonders who's using his name (and job description) in vain. Anne goes on about how wonderful Wolfram & Hart has been, and says that "they're the ones who came up with the idea for 'The Big Hold-Up.'" The which? It's a fundraiser, at which "big TV celebrities run around pretending to rob the guests of their donations." Wolfram & Hart is now accepting applications for their growing "freaky ideas" department, by the way. Anne goes on to say that Wolfram & Hart are paying for the fundraiser, "plus they have connections to all the TV stars." "That's not surprising," Angel smirks. I'll leave that one alone, if you don't mind.
Once again, Merl heads for his door. Once again, it's banged into his head. This time a big blue demon is the one being rude. Meet Boone. He's grizzled and wearing a long duster and he kinda reminds me of the Saint of Killers. Only blue. So the Saint of Killers crossed with the Tick. Excuse me, I have to take a ten-minute giggle break while I think about a conversation between the Saint of Killers and the Tick. Tee hee! Okay, I'm back. Boone asks if Merl is, well, Merl. Merl says, "My name's Ed...uh, Silverman." Why do I feel like this was the set-up for a "funny, you don't look like a Silverman" joke that was mercifully discarded? Boone is not fooled, and says that Merl is "Angel's lackey." Merl prefers "independent contractor." After Boone steps on his fingers, Merl admits that Angel asked him to help out with some surveillance. Merl asks, "Who the hell are you, anyway? IRS?" Boone says that he has a history with Angel. Merl says, "That's nice. What, did you guys go to college together?" Boone asks who Merl was tailing for Angel, and why. Merl describes Anne and her connection to Wolfram & Hart, and explains that Angel is particularly focused on a certain pair of lawyers. Boone's interested is piqued.
Lilah strolls through the garage toward her car, turns off the alarm, and gets in. She adjusts the mirror, allowing us to see the empty seat, and thereby telling us that Angel is in the car. Lilah is unfamiliar with the rules of the show, though, so she is startled when she turns to back the car out and sees Angel there. Angel congratulates Lilah on her recent promotion. He says, "You know what the real special part is? To think that, maybe, in my small way, I helped make it happen for you. Makes me feel all good inside." Lilah's weirdness meter ticks over, and she moves to get out of the car, but Angel grabs her shoulder. Lilah tells him that she and Lindsey are now in a position to affect policy, and so "things will change." Angel obscurely says that he gets it now, and, "It's actually kind of fun when you know the rules. I mean, when you know that there aren't any." He leans forward and hisses, "You screw with me, and you screw with me, and you screw with me. And now, I get to screw with you." Lilah tries to interrupt, but Angel chirps, "It's gonna be great!" Lilah moans, "Please..." and Angel whispers, "No, no, no. The begging, that comes later." And then whoosh, he vanishes without even opening the car door. Nice trick.
Blipvert. The day, Lilah complains to Lindsey about her close encounter of the creepiest kind. Lindsey is less than sympathetic, perhaps because when Angel pays him a visit, Lindsey gets tossed around and throttled. He's also perched up on his desk like a five-year-old. And he's not wearing a tie. Or even a jacket. Lindsey, as a joint acting co-vice whatever-you-are, shouldn't you at least wear a tie? Lindsey says, "Relax, Angel doesn't kill humans. At least, not with his own hands." I had to think about that for a second for some reason. He means Darla & Dru, which you probably already knew. Some days I'm a little slow. And damn it, Angel seems pretty willing to kill humans who are trying to kill other humans. It doesn't come up often, but let's drop the idea that it's the line he won't cross, because he will. Lilah says that Angel isn't playing by the rules, because that metaphor is still fresh in her mind from the last scene. Then Lindsey's secretary announces via intercom that Lindsey's ten o'clock appointment has arrived. Lindsey says, "I don't have a ten o'clock." The secretary replies, "I'm not gonna tell him that." Lindsey goes to the door and in comes Boone. Introductions are exchanged. Boone says he has a grudge with Angel. Dramatic music swirls around and takes us to the commercials.
Boone explains that he hasn't seen Angel "since Juarez in the twenties. We had a little disagreement over a señorita." Boone tells us a story about how he and Angel fought for three and a half hours, but when the sun came up, Boone let Angel go because he's a sportsman like that. Boone continues, "I'm in a karaoke bar downtown when I get wind of this lizard demon, Merl, who sometimes does favors for the vampire with a soul." Merl said that Angel was after Lindsey and Lilah. So Boone has found them, figuring that if he sticks close, the time Angel pays a visit, "he's gonna find [Boone] instead." For an instant Lindsey turns into Michael Keaton in Johnny Dangerously as he says, "I like it, and I'll tell you why: because of the finding you instead part. How much do you charge?"
Boone doesn't want money; he just wants to know who's better. Lilah is hesitant about getting Angel killed, so Lindsey pulls her outside for a quick conference. Lilah reminds Lindsey that the senior partners want Angel alive. She asks, "What if this guy's actually as good as he says and actually kills Angel?" Could you say "actually" a few more times, Lilah? Lindsey stares at her and snarks, "Boo. Hoo. Let me wipe away the tears with my plastic hand!" Hee hee! He adds that if Angel isn't going to play by the rules, they won't either, and heads back inside to talk to Boone. If I hear one more word about how all of the characters are breaking the rules, I will go mad. Note to the writers: it's more convincing if you actually have the characters behaving in stunning and unexpected ways. Instead of just having them stand around blathering about how, wow, they sure aren't playing by the rules any more. Or is Lindsey's lack of appropriate office-wear supposed to be this week's shocker? Ah well.
Cordelia's apartment. The MoG are sitting on the couch, relaxing with some forties. Snicker. Hey, and there are four cans on the table! Hi, Phantom Dennis! Gunn and Wesley are telling Cordy about their sewer adventure. The high point is when Wesley talks about how "Gunn is running [the monster] through, pulling out intestines the size of your leg!" Ew. Cordy, amazed, asks, "You weren't scared?" Wesley and Gunn stare at each other for a second, then Wesley sighs, "Oh, mother in heaven." Gunn adds, "Pants-wettin', praising-the-lord-to-save-you kind of scared, all right?" Ego strokes all around, as they toast each other. Cordy grimaces after sipping. Wesley doesn't. He is so not at all English, kids. Cordelia nervously mentions that she started looking for an office, and she found a place. Gunn and Wesley are eager to see it. Humorless banter about which of them to name the agency after. When Gunn suggests naming it after him, Cordy improvises a little step-show, chanting, "I've got a gun, and my name is Gunn." Both she and Gunn look genuinely amused by this little piece of strangeness, which helps it go down more easily. Cordy's sparkly spaghetti-strap top has a giant hole centered over her sternum. What is it that causes the costume department to hate the cast so much?
Angel's suite. It's so strange that I can't say, "Angel's batcave," or "Angel's crazy mansion," or "Angel's mysterious apartment." "Angel's room" sounds so normal. Well, comparatively. He looks at the photos of Lindsey. He looks at Anne's driver's license. Which says that she's Anne Steele, residing at 5632 Willoughby Avenue, and that she's 5'8" and weighs 110 pounds. All of it neck. No birth date. Angel pulls downs a couple of the photos. What was the point of this scene?
Merl enters his home, carrying some take-out Chinese food. He's grabbed and smashed into the wall. Merl assumes that his attacker is Angel, and insists that he "didn't say nothing to that guy." But when Merl turns around, he sees that he's actually being visited by Lilah and some thugs. Merl wonders, "Does everybody know where I live? I gotta get myself a new lair." Seriously. Lilah wants to know what Merl's been doing for Angel. Merl tells her about Anne.
Anne's in her palatial office, late at night, when she hears mysterious noises outside. She wanders out and is startled to find Angel there. He has to talk to her. Anne worries, "You're not stalking me, are you?" Angel says that actually, come to think of it, he is, and shows her the photos he has taken of her. Then he hands back her wallet. I'm still not sure why he took it. Anne says she's going to call the cops, but Angel says, "I'm not going to hurt you, I just couldn't go on lying to you any more." He explains that he's really interested in Wolfram & Hart, and suggests that they're going to keep most of the profits from the fundraiser. Anne isn't convinced. Now, is Angel being sincere here, or is this also part of his plan? And does it really make a difference either way? I guess he'd be less "dark & creepy" if it was sincere, so maybe it's part of the plan. Anyway, that's when Lindsey arrives. He's the very picture of concern, solicitously ('Cause he's a lawyer. It's sad when I'm reduced to pointing out my jokes, isn't it? Ah well.) asking Anne if Angel hurt her. Lindsey turns to Angel, grins an evil grin, and says, "I'm just glad that I got here in time." Angel growls, "A little over the top. Maybe if you worked on that look of concern." More sniping. Angel tells Lindsey, "You haven't seen anything yet." Lindsey responds, "Neither have you," and then Boone enters. Angel says to Boone, "Working for Wolfram & Hart? I thought you had integrity." Boone says that he does, "and here's fair warning." Then steel cables wrap around his hands. Fighting. Very annoying jump cuts. I'm still trying to figure out the cables. Judging by the clanging noises, I think we're supposed to believe that when he punches, that's what he's connecting with. And that would definitely hurt. But the cables look like they wrap around the back of his hand, not the knuckles. My knowledge of fistfights is minimal, but that just seems unhelpful. There is one really nice bit where Boone punches Angel so hard that he's knocked off his feet and spins around in midair before falling down. There may have been other cool things, but when each shot is a half-second long, it's rather hard to tell. C'mon, guys; I'd rather see nice work done by people who are obviously stunt-doubles than get this impressionistic direction where I can't actually see what's happening. So, Angel gets pummeled and finally races out the door. Boone starts after him, but Lindsey pulls him back. Boone growls, "He's getting away!" Lindsey loudly declares, "That's fine, as long as he's not threatening my client!" More quietly, he adds, "Soon. But not here." Boone leaves, and Lindsey turns to reassure Anne.
After the ads, Anne says to Lindsey, "That guy who beat up Angel, he wasn't human!" Lindsey starts to explain that "there's a different world," and Anne interrupts with, "I'm not naive." Lindsey tries again, "Angel's a vampire. He's a sick, deranged --" Anne interrupts again, mentioning that Angel said Wolfram & Hart would steal the money from the fundraiser. Lindsey says that Angel's lying. Anne says that Angel said that he, that is, Angel, has proof. This is a really hard conversation to recap. Lindsey blinks for a second at the mention of proof, but again insists that Angel is lying. He discusses how the kids at the shelter will lose out if she makes the wrong choice about who to believe. "So he doesn't have proof?" Anne asks. Again, Lindsey hesitates before replying, "He can't have proof." I assume he added, "Uh, because it isn't true, that is, not because it's true but impossible to prove! Ha ha!" But we don't see that part because...
We jump to Lilah asking, "He's got proof?" She and Lindsey are taking a little nighttime stroll. Lindsey says, "If he's got proof, it came from you," and accuses her of blabbing. Lilah responds, "You're the one with the sporadic professional death wish! How do I know you're not on one of your kamikaze missions with me as your co-pilot?" Heh. Lindsey says he only talked about the plan with Lilah, and only in his office, which is swept for bugs three times a day. He finishes, "I never discussed stealing the money in public!" Lilah reads my mind by saying, "Until now..." and looks around nervously. They go on worrying about what Angel will do with the tape. I missed the part where they knew for a fact that the evidence is a recording. Oh, I didn't miss it: it didn't happen. Lindsey figures that Angel will humiliate them in public, and Lilah figures Angel will give the tape to a reporter. Lindsey says that isn't personal enough: "He's gotta be there." He pulls out a cell phone and orders that security be doubled at the fundraiser, and asks for a vampire detector to be there as well.
Anne's back in her office. Angel enters. Hey, Anne's got those generic inspirational posters that talk about "Pride" and "Inspiration" and things like that. I don't know why, but that amuses me. Although, now that I think about it, it'd be funnier to see them on the walls at Wolfram & Hart. Maybe they're donations. Angel sounds for all the world like a thirteen-year-old girl when he asks, "What did Lindsey say about me?" Anne says that Lindsey described Angel as "a psychotic vampire who cut off his hand, harassed his firm, and is borderline schizophrenic." Angel asks if Anne believes him. Anne says that she's sure he's a vampire, since he survived the big fight. "And that doesn't frighten you?" Angel asks. Anne gives a nod to "Lie to Me," saying, "A few years ago it would have been a big turn-on. I thought vampires were the coolest." Angel asks what changed her mind, and Anne says, "I met one." Angel says, "You're not afraid of me." She replies, "I've seen worse things since," but doesn't go into the events of "Anne." This couldn't be any more confusing, could it? She says, "I've seen a 14-year-old girl sitting in her own blood after a rough trick, and dozens of people walking right by, so vampires, demons, even lawyers pretty much don't impress me." I like it when they imply that people can be a lot worse than the supernatural yuckiness. Anne goes on to say that if evil lawyers want to raise $2 million for the shelter, that's fine. Angel points out that she may only see 5% of that, and Anne says that $100,000 is still a pretty sizable donation. Angel asks, "What about the other 95%? You don't care where that's going, who that could be hurting?" Anne pauses and says, "I can't." Angel says, "There's blood on that money." Actually, there isn't; his argument is that there will be blood on it. Sorta. Probably. Anyway, Angel guilts her, and asks her to get him inside the fundraiser. He pulls out a microcassette and says, "I put this on, the world sees a whole new side of Wolfram & Hart." Yeah, because the idea that a lot of the money raised for charity actually goes to professional fundraisers will be a shock. Not. Anne says she won't do it.
And now, the main event. A banner reading "Highway Robbery Ball" hangs over the doors to the venue. I thought Anne called it, "The Big Hold-Up." Not that either name is a real winner. Why not "A Fistful of Spare Change," or "Support Your Local Shelter" (with host James Garner). Yeah, those suck too, but they suck slightly less. But it's all okay, because there's Holland on the big screen. Yeay! He's sitting on a park bench in a Mr. Rogers sweater, ruffling the fur of a lovely collie as he oozes wholesome fatherly appeal. He goes through a generic PSA about runaways while we pan across the ballroom floor full of guests and reporters. Anne sips a drink. Back on the screen, Holland reaches out to a crazy homeless person from central casting. Holland helps the androgynous urchin up, and hearts are warmed all over the place. That was funny. The tape continues, and a creepy bald guy with thick glasses moves through the crowd. He's a cross between Drew Carey and a turtle. Turtle guy greets Lilah, and asks how the party is progressing. Lilah's dialogue boils down to: this will be not only profitable but good PR for the firm. Then Lilah calls Anne over and introduces her to the turtle, whose name turns out to be Nathan Reed. Anne looks very pretty. She has escaped the wrath of the wardrobe mistress. She thanks Reed for his help, and Reed says, "I like to think of my job as underlining the 'heart' in Wolfram & Hart." He and Lilah tell Anne how important she is and how she's doing great work and so on.
Up on a balcony of some kind, Lindsey is checking the security. The flunky he's talking to assures him that if there's a vampire within 100 feet, they'll be notified by Zorn, the vampire detector. Lindsey says that if that happens, the flunky should alert Boone. Zorn lurks in the background wearing a hooded robe.
Back on the ballroom floor, Holland's going for a big finish. In front of the Wolfram & Hart logo, he asks, "Can we really change the world? At Wolfram & Hart, we're counting on it." Snicker. The picture freezes, and the caption, "Holland Manners, 1951-2000" appears as the crowd applauds politely. Then Lilah speaks from the podium: "Holland Manners is gone, but I feel he's looking down on us tonight. Don't you feel it?" More applause from the audience, more giggling from me. "The truth is, Holland had a vision of the future most of us can't imagine. Let's make it come true, together." Lilah announces that they aren't going to ask for money, they're going to "take it at gunpoint." She introduces the "celebrity bandits from the hit show, Life Lessons: Serena Tate, Holden Raynes, C.J. McCard, and Jordan Johns!" Wild, goes the crowd, as the celebrities hurry out in Hollywood-ized western wear. They run around the crowd, pointing toy guns and collecting money. Like, cash in large, neatly labeled envelopes. And jewelry. No receipts are offered. But everything about this episode is ludicrous, so let's just go along with it. A security flunky looks up and sees a hooded figure we assume to be Zorn. Well, if we saw the ads for this week's episode, we assume no such thing, actually, but whatever. Back on the floor, a blonde is handing her jewelry over to Serena Tate. The blonde asks, "I have to know: this thing with making your character gay -- is that like, all about ratings, because I don't get it." I laugh for about ten minutes. Apparently Joss Whedon didn't think that was funny, which just makes me laugh harder. Also, the blonde and her husband look kinda like Dawson's parents. Or maybe it's just me.
Up on the balcony, Zorn pushes back his hood and it turns out that it's actually Angel. Fancy that. How'd he get in without alerting Zorn? Well, presumably Boone took care of Zorn. I guess. Angel turns around and there's Boone, saying, "I was afraid you weren't going to show. You are ready to finish this?" Boone was afraid Angel wouldn't show up for the key part of the plan that they worked out so carefully together?
Lilah is wrapping things up downstairs, thanking the celebrities for their help. Shot of the stars waving and grinning at the crowd, while through gritted teeth, Holden says "I'm gonna kill my agent!" Lilah thanks everyone for their donations, but then they're all distracted by the noise of a fracas. Why, lookee there! Boone and Angel appear to be engaged in battle! Punch, thump, and they both tumble over the wall and down to the ballroom floor. Some goons grab Angel, and Lindsey says, "Did you really think we weren't gonna be ready for you?" He pats Angel down and asks where the tape is. Boone elbows Lindsey aside, saying, "He doesn't have it," and then sidles up to Angel and asks if he's okay. Oh, those two scamps; they're like Tom and Huck all over again. Angel looks behind him and says, "I'm just here for the show." Lilah figures out that Anne has the MacGuffin. Anne slowly walks toward the music / video console as she pulls the tape out of her purse. The gathered infotainment journalists begin eagerly recording the events, because they are psychic and know that something interesting is about to happen. Sure enough, Lindsey and Lilah begin a mad dash through the crowd toward Anne. The crowd watches. The lawyers run. Anne pops the tape in and presses play. This scene is taking three hours. And then the tape starts. We see feet, and hear Wesley asking how to turn the camera on. Cordy tells Wesley to give her the camera. In a stunning plot twist, they proceed to bicker. Then the scene changes, and Cordelia is berating a coat rack for cheating on her. The audience is bemused. Holden tells Serena, "I sorta believe the coat rack more." Now Cordelia is enjoying a big glass of milk. "Mmm, milk," she says, in varying tones. Lilah asks Lindsey, "What's happening?" As the scene changes again to Wesley doing a soft-shoe for the camera, Angel explains, "Looks to me like you two were acting like a couple of crazy people. On camera, too. Ouch." Lindsey and Lilah are suitably abashed. Because, wow, they were running through a crowd. And they can't possibly think of any excuse to justify their behavior. Not even the slightest bit of sense is being made here. Meanwhile, Wesley does an impression of Sean Connery as James Bond. Serena asks, "Isn't that the guy who's dating Virginia Bryce?" Wesley dances in a wifebeater and begins to undo his belt. The crowd laughs. Reed looks flummoxed. I begin to whimper. Lindsey realizes that Angel doesn't have any tape recording of evidence. Lindsey's super-duper smart, isn't he? Angel merrily says, "Do you know how hard it is to secretly record someone as paranoid as you two [sic] ?" Wesley, in his underwear, appears to be fondling himself. Writing that sentence took ten years off my life. Lindsey guesses that Angel hired Boone. Angel says, "No, you did. For a whole lot of money, too." "The money!" Lilah gasps, and she and Lindsey race off again. They reach the table and see that their flunkies are unconscious, and the big bag o' loot is gone.
Angel is walking out the door when Anne hurries up behind him, pulls his shoulder to turn him, and slaps the air near his head. She complains that she risked everything, and Angel never planned to expose Wolfram & Hart's plot. Angel says, "They would have covered it up. I just wanted to shake 'em up a bit. Not much, but it's a start." Anne asks about the money, and Angel says that it's "tainted." Anne starts to say, "I don't even care about the --" and Angel interrupts with, "Yes, you do." Wait, she doesn't care about the money, or she doesn't care that it's tainted? And how, exactly is it tainted, again, because I missed that part. Angel does know that the guests weren't really being robbed, right? Angel continues, "That's the difference between us. You still care." Anne is too confused to do anything but stare angrily as Angel walks away.
A blipvert takes us to the Wolfram & Hart building, where Lilah and Lindsey are getting quite a dressing-down. Reed says they embarrassed the firm. Oh yeah, and they lost $2 million. No, it doesn't make any sense that this super evil law firm with it's own high-rise office building in downtown Los Angeles has to resort to robbing charity organizations to balance their budget. I know. Don't think about it. Four more minutes and this nonsense will be over and done with. And Reed has one more item on his list: "You violated company policy by hiring an assassin to kill Angel." So, in a way, it's lucky for them that Boone was actually working for Angel, isn't it? And didn't Boone refuse Lindsey's offer of payment? So he didn't really hire Boone, then. I'd expect Lindsey to point that out. Lilah apologizes. Reed says that Holland was a brilliant lawyer, "but I think he had a soft spot for the two of you, which I believe clouded his judgment." Reed won't make the same mistake. He suggests they "start piling up wins. Fast." Lindsey resentfully asks how they're supposed to get anything done when they aren't allowed to hurt Angel. Lilah edges away from Lindsey. Reed turns, smiles, and says, "I'm sorry, did you say something?" Lindsey, never one to take a hint, says, "Angel's an obstacle to everything that we do. Give me one good reason why we can't just kill him." Reed invades Lindsey's personal space and explains that Angel is a major player. "In business?" Lilah offers. Reed just can't believe the shoddy education of employees. "In the Apocalypse," he clarifies. "Oh, that," I say. "Oh, that," Lilah says. Whoa, that was a scary moment for me. Reed mentions some new plot points: "The prophecies all agree that when the final battle is waged, he plays a key role." Lindsey isn't impressed: "Good for him." Not to be deterred, Reed continues, "Which side he's on is the gray area, and we're going to continue making it as gray as possible." He says that "until then, [Angel's] growing obsession with the two of you, the increasing possibility that, to scratch that itch, he'll go as far as to kill you -- well, that could actually play in the firm's favor." Lilah is increasingly displeased as Reed adds, "It would be a sign that Angel is on the path to joining our team, and, as hard as it is to lose good attorneys, well, the truth is, you're both expendable. Angel isn't." Finally, the dastardly plan is revealed! Er, kinda.
Angel keeps staring at his photos of Lindsey and Anne. Then he throws them away. He walks through the Hyperion lobby and we fade out. Don't we? Oh my goodness, it's still not ending. Angel stops on the stairway and says, "I thought you'd be halfway to Brazil by now." Who, me? I'll admit it was an odd episode, but you've done much worse; I didn't feel like I had to flee the country. Angel turns around to apologize to everyone for this convoluted, yet nonsensical, story, and we -- oh. Sorry; he was talking to Boone. Classic shoot-out poses are held. Boone really does want a rematch, and he's willing to risk the sack of loot to get it. They stare at each other.
The sack of money is deposited on Anne's desk. Angel is looking a bit bloody and rumbled. Anne stares at the money. Angel starts to warn her about what will happen if Wolfram & Hart realize she has the money, but Anne assures him she can hide it. She notices a wet stain on one of the bundles of cash and asks what it is. Anne's not very bright, y'all. Angel looks at her and says, "Blood." Duh. Anne looks down thoughtfully and then says, "It'll wash." Because she was all concerned about where the money came from. Wait, no, that's not it. Because she didn't want to take the money. No, she did, so...Anybody else feel like a few pages of script got stuck in the copier and nobody noticed? This episode was pure cotton candy; it looked as if there was a lot there, but afterwards you're still hungry, and you've got a sick taste in your mouth. Only instead of sugary residue on my teeth, I've got the image of a half-naked Wesley in my brain. Gaaaack.