Previously on Angel, Cary welcomed some guests to Caritas. Hey, they must be feeding us this background for a reason. Somebody's gonna sing!
Cordelia and Wesley are lurking outside a door at the Hyperion marked "Authorized Personnel Only." Actually, it says "O ly," but I'm really good at Wheel of Fortune, so I figured it out in no time. Cordy is worried, because "he's been in that cellar a loooong time." Wesley says he hears a "chucka chucka" sound. They commiserate about how Angel has been preoccupied and quiet. That's so different from his usual extroverted behavior. Cordy's got some big ol' bangle earrings on. You know, Cordy, maybe if you didn't dress like a gypsy, Angel wouldn't avoid you. Wesley is wearing a white t-shirt under a...I'm not sure if it's a jacket or a shirt, actually. But the front panels are plaid, and that's all I need to know about it. Anyway, Cordy complains that Angel's obsessed with Darla, and says, "I thought you were gonna be a man, and talk to him about this!" Wesley claimed that he did talk to Angel, and asked him "things like, did he prefer milk or sugar in his tea." Off Cordy's look, he adds, "It's how men talk about these things in England." They suddenly realize that the "chucka chucka" noise has stopped, and dash away from the door.
Angel pops out with an armful of clothes and greets them. Cordy realizes that he was doing laundry. Angel smooshes his face in his shirt and asks, "Don't you just love it when they're still warm from the dryer?" He looks at the shirt and chuckles, "Wrinkle-free? Right! After you iron it for, like, fifteen minutes." Cordy notes that Angel is "calm and homey," and asks if he's on drugs. Angel apologizes for worrying them, adding, "Darla may never need my help. All I can do is be there for her, if and when she decides to come around." Wesley looks at Cordy, folds his arms, and smugly comments, "We had tea." Angel adds that all he can do is let go. Immediately, Gunn races in, announcing, "I found Darla! It wasn't easy, but you said, 'Keep looking.'" Angel begins looking over the surveillance photos that Gunn took, while Cordy complains, "You lied to us!" Angel agrees that he did. Wesley asks why, and Angel explains, "I figured you'd nag." So, Darla is staying at the Royal Viking Motel. There're three words that don't really go together. Gunn figures that Wolfram & Hart aren't paying for this low-rent establishment, and Angel decides they should go get Darla before those darn lawyers get their pesky hands on her again. As Angel and Gunn head for the door, Cordy firmly declares that she and Wesley aren't going to help "enable" Angel's addiction. The door swings shut. "Didn't we learn anything from the tea?" Wesley calls.
In her hotel room, Darla takes off her gold cross and neatly sets it on the dresser. By the ashtray. She has a smoking room. Why? Because she's evil. She starts applying lipstick, but what she really needs is a comb. I guess this is a subtle indicator that she's at the split-end of her rope. She puts the lipstick on heavily, then looks into the mirror, grabs a tissue, and wipes it off. She seems to have forgotten all those important whore make-up tricks she learned back in Virginia. There's a knock at the door. It's Lindsey, fresh from the barber, thank God. "You're a hard one to find," he says. Credits.
Darla's at the Wolfram & Hart building, trying to out-pale and out-wan Kate's appearance last week. She, Lindsey, and a guard are all sitting around uncomfortably. Lindsey finally thanks her for coming, and Darla asks whether she had a choice. Enter Holland, who says, "Of course." Holland dismisses the guard, and says that they wouldn't force Darla do to anything against her will. Darla imitates a sulky teen by complaining that she didn't ask to be reborn. And so on and so forth; finally she asks whether they want her to go back to Angel. Lindsey looks pained. It looks like he let his baby sister cut his bangs for him. The scary part is that this is still an improvement over the way he looked last time. Darla goes on to say there's nothing between her and Angel anymore. Holland says that this isn't about Angel: "You aren't our prisoner, Darla. You are, however, our moral responsibility." He hands her a file and says, "No doubt, you remember very little of your first few weeks with us. No one ever really remembers their first days of life. But that's when these were initiated." Oh, please, let's ban all varieties of the world "initiate" and "initiative" from Buffy and Angel. Too many bad memories. Darla flips through the file and, stricken, asks Lindsey if he knew about its contents. Lindsey says nothing. Holland says that they are prepared to "deal with the situation any way [she sees] fit."
Gunn pokes around in Darla's motel room and tells Angel, who's lurking outside the door, that Darla isn't there. Angel says that she was recently, because he can still smell her, and steps inside. Gunn calls Angel "bro" again as he starts to ask how he was able to enter. Angel says, "Public accommodation. She doesn't live here." Mmmmmokay...Gunn notices the cross and says, "Looks like maybe she was expecting company, in the form of you." Lots of conversation belaboring the point that this is not a nice place, and that it's not in a nice part of town. Angel sums up by saying, "When you're desperate, you do what you have to do."
And so, the flashback begins. It's France, 1765. Angel and Darla ride into a foggy, abandoned barn. "Don't these people know who we are?" Angel complains. Darla says, "I think they do. Which would explain the lynch mob." Darla says that it'll be dawn soon, and the horse can't carry them both any farther, so they should rest where they are. Angel begins barring the doors and windows while he complains, "I hate the French. We should go someplace like Romania." Oh. Look. Dramatic irony. Flapping about, wounded, on the floor of the barn. I hope someone puts it out of its misery. Darla sounds rather like a mother on a long family trip when she says, "In Italy, you said we should go someplace like France." I wait for Angel to say, "Someplace like France, sure. But not actual France. Someplace like France, but without so many annoying French people." And then Darla could tell him that they haven't invented Quebec yet. ["Actually, there were French people in Quebec in 1765. It may have been called Lower Canada then, though. So...you're right." -- Wing Chun] None of that happens, though. Instead, Angel says that "in Romania, they really know how to treat a creature of the night." Someone, please, shoot the dramatic irony. It's painful to watch it clawing about in agony that way. Angel pauses by the last open window to say that the valley seems quiet. Darla says, "I told you, we lost them back in Arles." Angel complains, "This man Holtz, how does he keep finding us?" Darla observes that they don't exactly keep a low profile: "We stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters. People talk." Whoa. "Order room service"? In 1765? Now, I'm not going to question the fact that you could probably get someone to bring food to your room. But the term "room service" strikes me as rather modern. Darla looks peculiarly...peculiar. Maybe it's the orange lipstick, maybe it's the crazy hair. Yeah, I know she's been riding a horse, but she's been riding a horse for miles and miles. In fog. Which is wet. It looks more like she was interrupted while trying out Buffy's crimping-iron-of-wackiness. Angel insists that this Holtz guy is "no mere mortal." Foreshadowing rushes in, stomps on the dying remains of dramatic irony, and bites its head off. I will be very surprised if Holtz doesn't turn up in future flashbacks, and eventually in modern-day Los Angeles. Darla smirks, "He's just a man, a 'vampire hunter.'" Angel complains that they've been driven into a barn like animals, and Darla tries to put a happy face on the situation by saying, "Then let's be animals!" She settles down on a pile of hay, but Angel worries that they should keep watch. Darla says they'll hear any approaching hoofbeats. Angel settles down to her, Darla bites her lower lip, and then a flaming stake flies into the room.
Present-day Darla's in a sleazy bar, talking to a geeky vampire with a receding hairline. She's combed her hair, and put on some extraordinarily bright lipstick to highlight her extraordinarily dark eyeliner. The vampire is wearing a plaid shirt (is there a Gap "everyone in plaid" theme happening, or is it just me?) over a Metallica tee-shirt. Basically, Darla is trying to hide her loathing for this creature so that she can flirt with him. She says that he must have a lot of girlfriends, and the vampire says, "Mostly I just kill 'em, dump the bodies." Darla says, with great sincerity, "That must be very lonely for you." Heh. Darla finds out that this guy became a vampire in 1992. She overcomes her distaste at robbing the cradle, and asks, "And in all this time, you've never considered making yourself a mate?" The vampire is confused as Darla expounds on all the benefits of having a companion to "walk those lonely nights." After a moment, the bemused vampire laughs and says, "That'd be weird!" Darla snaps, "Weird? It's mythic!" The vampire says, "You've been reading too much Anne Rice, lady. You've got no idea how this thing works." He finally realizes that she really wants to be his "immortal babe." But then he worries that if he sired Darla, it might be too much of a commitment for him. Darla perkily -- not to mention desperately -- says, "Then use me for as long as you like, any way you like, then discard me." After a moment, the vampire says, "There's an alley out back." Darla jumps up and practically drags him outside.
As they hurry into the alley, the vampire asks how Darla knows that he won't just kill her. Darla grabs him, kisses him emphatically, and declares, "I'll take my chances." The vampire nervously mentions that he's never sired anyone before, and that he was "kinda out when it happened to [him]." Darla sighs and says, "I'll walk you through it. Drink. When you feel my heart start to slow, stop." She cocks her head, and the vampire bends to sink his teeth into her, before dissolving into dust. Angel stands behind the settling dustcloud. Darla angrily asks what he's doing. "Saving you!" Angel says, self-righteously. Darla says, "I wasn't in any danger, Angelus. Believe me. I picked a stupid one. I always pick the stupid ones, didn't you know that?" Snerk! Oh, I mean, "ouch." Nah, I meant the first one. Angel clarifies that he was saving Darla from herself. Oh, he's condescending and self-righteous. Better and better. Darla tells him to leave her alone, and starts to leave. Angel stops her and says, "You do this thing, I won't be able to leave you alone -- don't you get that? I'll never be able to leave you alone. time, it'll be you on the end of the stake. I'm sorry, and I don't want that. Not again." Darla snarls, "Don't worry. I wouldn't let it happen twice." She starts to walk off, and Angel asks where she's going. Darla says, "Not back in there; everyone saw me leave with the mullet." She says she'll try someplace on the west side. "Another dive, another loser?" Angel asks. He says that this isn't like her, which is a remarkable piece of self-delusion considering who and where he was when Darla first saw him. Darla gets the best line prize when she snaps, "Just because we had a 'thing' for 150 years, don't presume you know me!" Angel asks if she wants to be turned into a vampire by "some creep in some filthy alley." Darla says she wanted Angel to sire her. Angel says that won't happen. Darla says, "So I do what I have to do," and adds, "Anyway, you were made in an alley, if I recall." Angel sniffs, "That's not the point." He says that she's only been human for a few months, and that maybe she should "give it some time." Darla says she can't, and when Angel tries to argue, she says, "I'm dying." Angel is taken aback. She explains, "They showed me the medical files. All the tests say the same thing: I've got about two months left, three at the most, so if you'll excuse me, I'm in sort of a hurry."
We return to eighteenth-century France, already in progress. Angel peers out at the torch-wielding mob gathering outside. Darla says, "I can't die. Not like this." Angel suggests going to the hills in the south, but Darla says, "We'll never make it by sunrise. Not by foot." Then she gets an "I've had such a naughty idea" look. Angel gears up to go down with the...barn...and says, "Between the two of us, we can go out with a reputation." He starts to say something about death "with the right companion," and then Darla bonks him over the head with something. Possibly a shovel. "I can't stand that accent of yours anymore!" she screams. Although if you're not listening as closely as I am, it might sound more like, "I hope you get out of this, Angelus." She hops onto the horse, which is still saddled and bridled. I'd expect a country boy like Angel to know that you really ought to take the tack off if you want to give your horse a rest. Darla adds, "And give up on the hair, please." Which, again, to the untrained ear, might sound like, "If you do, maybe we'll meet again in Vienna." She gallops away safely, leaving Angel in the burning barn. I guess the idea of surrounding a building to prevent escapes wasn't invented until the nineteenth century. Blipvert.
From behind the front desk, Cordelia hisses, "Angel's back." Wesley is too busy reading the business section to care. Cordy adds, "And he has Darla with him!" Wesley cares. They both walk out to greet Angel and Darla. Cordy eyes Darla's luggage and asks whether she's planning to sleep over. "I'm dying," Darla says. "So, just for the one night, then," Cordy replies. Angel explains, "Wolfram & Hart showed her some medical files, supposably [SIC!] proving that she's only got a few months left to live." Wesley guesses that Angel thinks this is a trick. Angel does, but he's determined that they won't take the bait. Darla tells Angel that he just doesn't want to believe it. Arms folded, Angel snaps, "I don't want to believe anything from them," without even looking at her. They do argue like they've known each other for a hundred years, I'll give 'em that. Darla says that she knows a few things about mind games, as does Angel: "We played them together for over a century." Cordy says, "Yes, but you were just soulless, blood-sucking demons. They're lawyers." When they leave that joke unspoken, it's passable. When they come right out and say it, they hurt me. Darla asks Angel, "And if you're wrong?" Angel sulkily insists that he isn't. He tells the MoG to "watch over her for a while," while he goes out to investigate. Darla says that Angel can't force her to stay, and Angel says she isn't a prisoner, he just wants a chance to help. As soon as the door closes behind him, Cordy announces, "First up, you're our prisoner." Wesley seconds that emotion. Cordy says that Darla's had a bad effect on Angel, "so, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you." Wesley adds, "On the head." Cordy concludes, "With very large and heavy objects. 'Kay?"
Lindsey is having a drink in his apartment o' indirect lighting. I explain to Scooter about how Lindsey has a fake hand. Scooter picks up some hay in his perfectly functional front paws, as if to mock Lindsey. Suddenly, Lindsey's door is smashed open. Angel, standing outside, declares, "I might not be able to come in, Lindsey, but --" Lindsey calmly says, "Wipe your feet." Angel is nonplussed. Lindsey explicitly invites Angel in as he heads for the bar. After a second, Angel enters and promptly slams Lindsey's head back against the bar. Uh, Angel, you might want to close that door behind you before you start clobbering people. Lindsey asks whether Angel really thinks he needs to force Lindsey to co-operate. Angel asks, "'Need to'?" and then pushes Lindsey away. On one of the shelves behind Lindsey is a little Pegasus figure. Aw. I can understand that the WB wouldn't want to remind viewers that there are other entertainment options available to them, but Lindsey's walls are lined with shelves, yet there's not a book to be seen. They're all filled with knick-knacks. He's a lawyer, surely he'll have one or two books hidden away somewhere. Or even some CDs. Something. Anyway, Lindsey says that "those medical reports you saw were real." Angel saw them? Guess he read them over while Darla packed up all of her red dresses. Lindsey flings more files at Angel, offering him a second, third, and tenth opinion. Johanna says, "No one could possibly fake this many medical reports!" To save Angel the trouble of sounding out all the big words, Lindsey summarizes, "They all say the same thing: syphilitic heart condition. Terminal." As he pours himself another drink, Lindsey explains that since Darla was dying of syphilis before being vampire-ized, now that she's human she's "kind of pickin' up where she left off." Lindsey plugs a little plothole by adding that modern antibiotics could cure the syphilis, but "we're about a month and, what, four hundred years too late." Angel notes that Lindsey didn't believe the initial report either, and Lindsey says that he had to be sure, because he doesn't want Darla to die. Angel looks puzzled as he tries to figure out why that might be. Finally, he asks whether Lindsey is in love with Darla. Lindsey looks down. Angel chants, "Lindsey and Darla, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Sort of. In the sense that he says, "A few short months with her and you go all schoolboy. I was with her for 150 years." Lindsey says that Angel didn't really love Darla. Angel says that he wasn't capable of love, and neither is Lindsey. Lindsey says, "I'd save her if I could. And you can. But you won't." Neener neener. He says that Angel can waste Darla's remaining time searching for a cure, or he can save her himself. Angel asks, "And then what, Lindsey? You and her [sic] can be together? If I were to do it, if I turned her, how long do you think it would be before she hunted you down and had you for breakfast? I gotta say, I mean, that thought alone almost makes it worth it. But there's another way, and I'll find it." Flinging the files back at Lindsey, Angel leaves.
Cordy and Wesley are discussing the situation over mugs of, uh, something. Cordy complains that Darla is risking their lives as well as Angels. She adds, "After four hundred years of death and destruction, [it] seems to me you get voted off the island." Oh, those Survivor references. So topical. Although considering they've at least moved on from last season's O.J. gags, I guess it's a step in the right direction. Cordy and Wesley stop short as they realize that Angel is standing (or, in fact, slouching) in the lobby. He's staring at Darla, who's puttering in the odd atrium they discovered when Bethany visited. Angel says, "Give me a minute," and ambles over to the atrium. Darla's taken up night-gardening, it seems. She drops the jasmine she's fondling and looks up at Angel. After a moment, she says, "I told you it was the truth," and heads for the door. Angel says that they'll do something. Darla says, "I've been around long enough to know when something's a lost cause...unless..." Angel gives her the old "that's exactly what they want us to do" spiel. Darla doesn't care, and says, "It's what I need." Angel says that it isn't, unhelpfully adding, "I don't know what you need, I wish I did." Darla sighs and says that she doesn't know either, and then Angel says that she does. This is all very confusing. He adds, "You just can't see it, that's all. You need a little help."
Darla sits on a stool onstage at Caritas. She goes all Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys with a torch song about ill winds blowing her no good. Judy Henske, she ain't. But she can carry a tune, even if her voice makes me expect her to break into "Don't Speak" at any moment. Cary, a.k.a. the Host, is wearing a leopard-print shirt under his blue suit. He knows better than to wear plaid, though. He listens to Darla sing for her succor, and says, "Oo." (Okay, I used that pun before. But I'm proud of it, so I'm using it again.) When Angel demands clarification, he says, "Ground control to Major Tom: we may not be able to save this bird." Y'know, I could see Angel saying, "Planet earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do..." Brief synopsis of how the last time Angel got advice from Cary, a swami-impersonator tried to kill him. But Cary suffered from that adventure, too: "People try to kill you every day. I'm talkin' about Ramon, who overheard us, betrayed me. Man was a world-class bartender. He made a Sea Breeze that took you to Tahiti!" Angel asks if they could get back to the latest albatross around his neck. Cary listens to Darla, who somehow manages to simper while she sings. After a minute, Cary tells Angel that "things fall apart, not everything can be put back together, no matter how much you want it." Cary points out that Darla had a heckuva lot more time to enjoy the world than most people do, but Angel says that was "as a vampire. Before that she was...she never had a chance." Darla finally finishes her song, and as everyone applauds, Cary comments, "Someone get my heart! That girl's ripped it right out." Reluctantly, Cary admits there is one way Angel can help, although "[he's] probably going to regret this. In fact, being prescient, [he's] sure of it." Cary says that it's "a bit of a quest," and Angel will probably die in the attempt. Angel is, naturally, all over that idea. Cary scribbles down an address and hands it to Angel, saying that this is "where we find out if you're really ready to take the plunge."
Angel and Darla arrive at an empty swimming pool. "He said I'd have to take the plunge," Angel notes. Darla asks if the plunge has to be into an empty pool. Angel says, "Sure, 'cause if you had water, you'd get all wet, and miss out on all that skull-crushing." More bantering, and Angel assures her that it's "this whole leap of faith thing." Angel steps onto the diving board as Darla asks why he's doing this. Angel looks at Darla. Darla's low-cut gown answers the question. Angel nervously says, "I'm either coming back with a cure, or you're about to see something kinda funny." Heh. Angel dives...through the bottom of the pool, tumbling onto the floor of the remodeled Oracles' foyer. A man impersonating John Hurt says, "Well, you've certainly proved your faith. Now we'll test your valor. I shall be assisting you with the trials, sir." Angel turns to see that Darla has also been transported to this little dungeon nook. Hurt explains that if Angel survives all three trials, Darla will "be made whole." If not, Darla dies instantly. He adds, "In the meantime, Darla, you can relax with an iced beverage in our antechamber." Darla fades away. Angel doesn't like this whole "betting on Darla's life" deal, but he is essentially told to stuff it. Growling noises are heard, and Hurt tells Angel to get ready.
After some commercials, Hurt tells Angel that before they get started, he'll need Angel's shirt and shoes. I'll bet Angel hears that a lot. Angel asks whether the first trial is unarmed combat, and Hurt says, "Well, you'll be unarmed, yes." Angel reveals his freshly-waxed chest as he asks what the three challenges are. Hurt doesn't think it's proper to divulge that information, since he's never provided information to other challengers. "How many of 'em asked?" Angel wonders. Hurt hesitates, and then admits that the first challenge is "child's play." He directs Angel's attention to an archway barred with an iron grating, and says, "Once that gate opens, all you have to do is walk through it." Angel is skeptical, and asks what the catch is. Hurt says, "That would be telling." Angel gives up on that one, and asks about the other two challenges. Hurt says he doesn't know anything about them, since he's never seen anyone survive the first challenge. Oh, how ominous. I've gotten fortune cookies that were scarier than this guy. He wishes Angel luck, and then fades out for an iced beverage of his own. The gate slowly rises up slightly, and then a big green goblin (not the one from the comic book, mind you) steps out from an alcove. Hey, remember that episode last season, "The Ring"? Well, here we go again. The goblin swings a big chain around its head. Angel plays jump rope for a while. Then he runs up along the outside of an archway to get away. The point is, they fight.
In the dungeon's green room, Darla and Hurt stand by the lovely buffet table. Two goblin guards stand in the background. Hurt notes that Angel has already lasted seventeen seconds, which is twice the amount of time most challengers last. Darla asks him to call the whole thing off, but Hurt says that he can't. It's just like when Mr. Roarke would say, "Once a fantasssssy has begun, it cannot be stopped." But then other times he'd pop in at a particularly unpleasant part of the fantasy, and say, "If you wish, I can stop the fantassssy now, and you will return unharmed." That always bugged me. Mr. Roarke was a big jerk. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Darla says she that she needs to see what's happening, and Hurt says okay, and touches her forehead. She closes her eyes for a second and sees blipvertish flashes of Angel getting the old goblin-boot to the head. She looks unhappy about it, but I'm actually enjoying that image.
Back to the fighting, now in Darla-vision. Angel does some scampering around in the alcoves, and finally manages to grab the goblin's sword and slice him neatly in two. Phew, says everyone. Angel heads for the gate, which still hasn't risen high enough for him to pass beneath. Behind him, the goblin opens his eyes and pushes himself up so that his torso is hand-walking around. "I'll bite your knees off!" Johanna cries. You know how some people say, "Pull yourself together"? Well, this is what they mean. Angel turns around in time to watch as the goblin hand-walks over to his lower half and jams his torso back into place. And so they're back to the chains swinging and so on. This time Angel goes straight in and cuts the goblin in half again. Then he uses the goblins chain-and-grappling-hook gear to fasten each half to wall sconces at far ends of the room. The goblin arghs unhappily about this treatment, but the gate rises up and Angel passes through the door. In the green room, Darla asks, "Is this how a guy like you gets his rocks off?" Hurt assures her that he has no personal interest in how it all works out. "Do you?" he asks, as if he just got there and missed the part where her life is at stake. So yeah, I think she probably does have a personal interest. The hell?
Back to Angel, who has reached a long, dark corridor. My guess is that Angel's second challenge will involve measuring four gallons of water, using only a three-gallon jug and a five gallon jug. And the third challenge, of course, will involve a lot of doors marked with signs that are made up of one true statement and one false statement. Anyway, the ceiling slides open, revealing the crescent moon and the night sky. Why? So that the moonlight can reveal that the floor and walls of this long corridor are inlayed with hundreds of crosses. In the center of the hall is a little baptismal font or bird feeder or something. Three guesses what's in there. Oh wait, I already gave it away by saying "baptismal font." Oh wait, they gave it away by using a baptismal font. Guess we're even, then. Hurt samples the buffet. Darla whines, "Why don't you just kill him, if that's what you want?" Hurt assures her that he doesn't want anything, and then starts telling her about how the journey is all and blah blah blah Joseph Campbellcakes.
Cross-vert. Angel begins a mad dash for the door at the end of the corridor. The hell? Okay, on close-ups you can see that there are small crosses on the floor in between the larger ones, but there are still quite a few places that look big enough for Angel to put his feet down if he'd walked instead of running. Later, it occurs to me that maybe the point of opening the ceiling was that he couldn't take the time to pick his way across slowly because the sun would be up soon. If so, maybe that part would have been clearer if the sky weren't so gosh-darn dark. Just a suggestion. So anyway, Angel singes his footsies, trips over nothing at all so that his hands and chest are burned too, and finally makes it to the far door. Which is, of course, locked. Guess where the key is? Did you figure it out? In the font -- which is full of, say it with me: holy water. Angel reaches is, screams and wails, pulls out the key, and runs back to the door. He unlocks it and makes it through. As trials go, these aren't exactly the Nemean Lion or the Aegean Stables, y'know? Hurt says, "He's quite remarkable." Darla thoughtfully agrees. These two really need to raise their standards. They're probably trying to nominate David Blaine for sainthood, what with all of his miracles.
Angel limps into another chamber. Shackles whip out onto his wrists and ankles, and he's held securely as Hurt wanders in, applauding. "You've fielded our strokes from end to end," Hurt says. I'll bet Angel hears that a lot, too. Then Hurt begins the final challenge. And a hundred stakes slowly poke out of the wall Angel is facing. Angel asks what's happening, and Hurt says, "I think you know, sir." Angel sighs, "Stakes." I finish the thought for him: "Why did it have to be stakes?" Angel coughs up a little bit of blood, for some reason, and says, "The only way it can work is you kill me." Hurt says that death is the final challenge, since "we can't restore one life without taking another." Golly. Who knew?
After the ads, Hurt apologizes for Angel's suffering. He offers Angel a chance to pray if he's so inclined. From the green room, Darla whispers, "Don't do this." Then Hurt suddenly declares that Angel has a choice: he can accept his death so that Darla survives, or he can leave. See, Hurt is just like Mr. Roarke. Angel asks what happens to Darla if he quits before Final Jeopardy. "She dies," Hurt says. Angel's having none of that. Hurt decides that this would be a good time to delve. He asks, "Isn't the world a better place with you in it? You can save so many people. It seems she can barely save herself." Darla cries. Hurt points out that even if Darla lives, "how long will it be before she stumbles, before she falls?" Angel doesn't know. Hurt again asks if Angel wants to give up his life for Darla's. Angel does. Hurt backs off, the stakes retract, Darla moans, and kerblam!
Darla screams and closes her eyes. Then she opens them to see Angel standing before her. Then she screams again. Then she realizes his chest is safely covered, and calms down. Hurt unnecessarily says that Angel has passed the final test "by accepting death." Angel tells Hurt to pay up. Hurt starts congratulating Darla on how a new life awaits her in the off-world colonies, a golden chance to begin again...or something like that, anyway. Angel tells Hurt, "Unless this fortune-cookie crap is some new kind of torture, what do you say we just get on with it, huh?" Hurt looks a bit upset by the harsh language, but places his hands on Darla's head and emits mysterious music. After a minute he stops and says, "This is very embarrassing." He says that Darla has already been given new life once before, and so he can't help. Angel says that Darla earned a second chance. Hurt says, "She's already living her second chance." A wall fades away, revealing a stairway up. Hurt says, "Perhaps you should have told us she was brought to life before this all started. I truly am sorry, sir. The fact of the matter is, there's nothing I can do." And away he fades. Angel glares at nothing. Darla looks wiped out. Angel lashes out, attacking the table and overturning all the food. A goblin rushes forward, shouting, "No one messes with the buffet table!" Angel punches the goblin, and goes on fighting and smashing stuff for a while. He winds up by smashing his fist into a pillar before collapsing to the floor as the soundtrack takes over.
At Darla's hotel room, Darla and Angel sit in the dark. Angel speculates, "Maybe it would be different. We don't know. Maybe, because, you know, I have a soul...if I did bite you..." Darla tells Angel that she saw everything he went through, and that she felt how much he cares. "The way no one ever cared before. Not for me. That's all I need from you." Personally, I think that Angel's attack on the buffet table reminded her of how he did pretty much the same thing at the bar where she first saw him. Only that time they both thought it was funny. Angel asks how "the powers that allow you to be brought back [can] dangle a second chance and then take it away like this." Er, because they're evil powers, Angel. Remember? Wolfram & Hart? Vocah? They're evil. Darla says maybe this is her second chance: "To die. The way I was supposed to die in the first place." Angel gets teary and goes over to Darla. Look, Ma, he's emoting. He says he won't leave her: "Every moment that you have left, I'm gonna be by your side. You're never gonna be alone again." Darla hides her head on his shoulder and makes snuffling noises at the idea that her last days on earth will be spent in Angel's company. And then blammo, the door bursts open. Mysterious men rush in and zap Angel with one of those little electric shock gizmos that made such an impression on Selina Kyle. While they're duct-taping Angel's hands behind his back, two other men grab Darla. Lindsey struts in, grabs Angel by the hair and asks, "How'd you think this would end?" Lindsey looks out the door, and in walks Drusilla, in dramatic slowish motion. My god, she has the longest neck in the world. I never noticed that before. And she seems to have borrowed one of Darla's red dresses. Oddly, no one says a thing as Dru vamps out, grabs Darla's head, and sinks her fangs in. With Angel's hands bound, he is unable to high-five Lindsey and say, "Hey, check it out: two chicks! Alllll riiiiight!" Dru lets Darla fall back onto the bed and slices open a bit of her chest, then lifts Darla up to drink. Dru looks at Angel, and we fade to black while the violins shriek.
At first, I thought it was really odd that Drusilla didn't say anything in that last scene. I expected a little, "Hello grandmother," followed by her patented crazy-talk. But on review, I suspect that she was silent because that way her name didn't have to appear in the opening credits, and she'd be a big surprise. So I'm okay with that. Since we're gonna be in reruns for a while, you can pass the idle hours trying to come up with in-character theories to explain why Dru wouldn't talk.