The Shroud of Rahmon

Before we start the show, let's all say hi to my new co-writer, Scooter the chinchilla. Hi, Scooter. Scooter says hi back. No, he doesn't talk. Don't be silly. What I do is, I put him in one of those plastic globes like they have for hamsters, and he spells out things by rolling around on the giant Ouija board I painted on the floor. See, it's perfectly reasonable.

Previously on Angel, Kate found out that Angel was a vampire, decided that they should stop "playing friends," her father was killed, and...oh yeah, there's that whole thing with Darla.

My VCR must have traveled through time and space without me, because I appear to have taped an episode of Homicide: Life on the Street. Bayliss thinks that their suspect is "playin'" them. Pembleton notes that the suspect has mental problems. Bayliss says, "We've got one body already. And if she dies --" Pembleton interrupts: "If she dies, he's all yours." They enter the box, where their suspect is resting his head so that we can't see his face. Pembleton, always diplomatic, plays good cop, and asks to hear what the guy knows. He says, "My guess is you got yourself involved in something a little bigger than you expected. You got scared, you panicked, and in the end, there was an officer on the floor. Not to mention, the body without a head." The suspect finally raises his head and -- oh, it's Wesley. Guess this isn't Homicide after all. Although the idea has forced me consider whether Bayliss or Wesley is the more annoying television character. I'll have to think about that. Wesley slams his fist and declares, "She shouldn't have been there. She didn't know!" Wesley goes on about how no one knew what they were getting into, and nervously asks, "You didn't bring it here, did you?" He reassures himself, "No, then it'd be too late for all of us." Okay, Wesley is channeling Norman Bates. This is like channel-surfing without bothering to use the remote. Have I died and gone to heaven? While the cops look on, Wesley murmurs, "He grabbed her hard. Very hard." Wesley quite seriously insists that he's "quite good with the ladies," and Pembleton asks what happened. "It all went horribly wrong," Wesley says, as we fade to a slow-motion shot of a vamped Angel dropping a blonde. Pan up to his over-lipsticked mouth. Maybe Angel is channeling Ma Bates? I'm confused. Oh yeah, props to Alexis Denisof for doing a good job in the teaser.

There will be no better episode than this to note that as the credits begin, the captioning reads: "Captioning made possible by 20th Century Fox Television and Mr. Peanut and Planters Nuts -- relax, go nuts." The cast will be taking that instruction to heart.

Wesley is telling the cops that he was too late. "I tried to stop him, but I got hit, and fell, and when I looked up, he had her." Pembleton leans in close and asks, "Stop who?" Wesley doesn't answer, but instead goes on about how "you don't tell him what to do. He's the boss." He says that Cordelia was with him, and suddenly gasps, "Oh, God. Cordelia."

Cut to Wesley at the Hyperion, asking, "What happened to your head?" And Cordy's haircut reveals itself to us! Bow down, ye unbelievers! Apparently I've got the minority opinion, but I rather like her new 'do. It's a little bit 1950s, a little bit Neve Campbell, a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll...and, okay, a little too poofy in this first scene, but overall, I like it. Fight the power, Charisma Carpenter. See if you can do something about your wardrobe , okay? Anyway, Wesley coos over her haircut, Cordy mentions that she got it cut ten days ago, embarrassed backpedaling, etc. Cordy, in turn, admires Wesley's suit, which is very nice, particularly in contrast to the lavender shirt and red tie he's wearing. He's on his way to a movie premiere with Virginia Bryce. I guess she's joined the crowd at the Angel Internment Camp for Dangling Plot Devices, which Pope Buck I described in the forums. Wesley asks after Angel. Cordy says, "His day is packed. Brood about Darla, brood about Darla, lunch, followed by a little Darla-brooding." Wesley firmly declares that enough is enough, and he's going to tell Angel so. He moves toward the stairs, stops, and stares into space. "Nice posturing," Cordy offers. She adds that Angel's gone to help Gunn, whose cousin is in some kind of trouble. Wesley takes comfort in this, and tells Cordy that he has an extra ticket to the premiere. Cordy grabs her jacket, and Wesley's arm, and away they go. A blipvert shows the Angelmobile driving into a superimposed moon which zooms into the camera, followed by a cityscape. That was peculiar.

Gunn and Angel meet Gunn's cousin, later identified as Lester, on a deserted street. Lester needs some reassurance, "not that [he's] prejudiced; [he] just hate[s] vampires." Gunn explains that if it's a vampire problem, Angel has experience in that area. Lester says that he has a job driving for a "big-time crew." He heard that one member of the team was "this psycho vampire from Vegas." Angel asks a few questions, and learns that the plan is to rob a museum of something "supernatural" later in the week. Lester gives Gunn the address for the meet, and Angel asks who the "psycho vampire" is. Luther tries, "G-Don, or Joe-Don." Joe Don Baker? Angel vs. Mitchell? Angel asks, "Jay-Don?" Lester nods and says that he's arriving via bus that night. Gunn tells Luther that he'll take care of it, and gets a hug in return. Lester leaves, and Angel insists that Jay-Don is too dangerous for Gunn, so he'll take care of it himself. "Since when do I take orders from you?" Gunn asks. Angel answers, "Since I'm paying you." Gunn notes that he's not getting paid for this job, but Angel insists that he'll handle it himself. Gunn asks, "And what I'm [sic] supposed to do, sit home and knit?" Angel [sigh] quips, "I could use a sweater." He is slightly redeemed when he adds, "Something dark." Angel slips into his car and drives away, leaving a disgruntled Gunn. Or a disgunntelled Grunn. Whichever.

While the others peer at a map, Angel hisses at Gunn, "I told you I'd handle this." Gunn replies, "I told you I don't take orders." Dortmunder asks if there's a problem, and they join the group. Dortmunder explains that they're going to steal the Shroud of Rahmon, which is worth "about two million on the black market." To who? How will they sell it? Who will launder the shroud, that's what I want to know. Dortmunder goes over the plan: they enter, Bob turns the alarm off, they take the elevator downstairs, and blow open the vault. He says that the vault has a thermal-sensitive alarm, so Angel, having no body heat, will go into the vault and disarm the alarm. Asked to describe the shroud's case, Dortmunder says that it's "big," and pulls out a line drawing of it from some book. Since the picture does nothing to illustrate how large it is, I'm not sure why he did that. He adds that the box is "made of consecrated wood, the edges are sealed in gold. Inside, the box is lined with lead." He says it weighs about a ton, so it'll take all of them to move it. I wait for someone to mention a new invention called a "hand truck." No one does. Okay. Kelp wonders if Bob is strong enough, Bob insists that he is, Gunn disputes that claim, Angel says that Gunn is a troublemaker. Gunn suggests that Angel keep his mouth closed. Angel apologizes and says, "This is something I should just --" then he punches Gunn, pulls him away, and adds, " -- take outside!" That is just not okay. As he drags Gunn toward the door, Dortmunder draws two guns and says, "I got a problem with that." Kelp pulls out a stake and approaches Angel. Angel lets Gunn go and asks, "You expect me to spend the rest of the week with this clown?" Dortmunder answers, "No, just the rest of the night. We're not waiting, we're doing this now."

Cordy is using her laptop to look over the local museums listed by the Los Angeles Globe-Register. She gets enthusiastic about the Gene Autry museum, for reasons which defy my comprehension. Not that there's anything wrong with Autry; I just can't see Cordelia as a big fan of singing cowboys. Oh wait: I'll bet she likes sequined, fringed, cowboy shirts. That's would be right up her fashion-impaired alley. Okay, it all makes sense now. Anyway, she tells Wesley, "Well, it could be a magical stuffed horse." Wesley suggests they try the Museum of Natural History and look at recent acquisitions. As she scrolls down, Wesley reads, "On the third of this month, [the] museum research department received the Shroud of Rahmon from a tomb recently unearthed by University of New Mexico archeologists." Cordy offers a moral: "People, you've gotta leave your tombs earthed." Wesley tells her to look for more information online while he looks for any mention of the shroud in his books.

A "Rehak" moving truck, driven by Gunn, backs up to the museum loading dock. "Rehak"? They head for the door, and Angel suggests, "The driver should stay with the truck, just in case somebody shows up." Dortmunder says, "We need him inside," and he, Kelp, and Bob enter while Angel holds the door. Gunn stops and tells Angel, "Don't hit me again." Angel says he was trying to protect Gunn. "I appreciate that," says Gunn, before slamming his elbow into Angel's face. I swoon with delight. "Don't do it again," Gunn adds as he goes into the building. Angel follows, and we zoom in on the door so we can see that there's duct tape over the bolt to keep it from locking. Was G. Gordon Liddy in on this, too?

So, they go in, they take the elevator down, Bob turns the alarm off, they capture the other guard, who they leave tied up (or taped up, if you wanna be pedantic) in a corner. They arrive at the vault, which is a pretty imposing piece of hardware. In fact, maybe they should have found the computer genius locksmith from Die Hard to get that thing open. Dortmunder walks up to the vault and presses his hand against it, while Kelp growls, "Come on! Hurry up and blow it!" We wait expectantly for Dortmunder to manifest magical safe-cracking powers. And then we cut to a drill boring into the safe. Heh.

At the station, some cops are showing surveillance photos to Kate. They'd noticed the gathering of hoodlums, and they know that Bob is a guard at the museum, so they know where the robbery will take place. They also snapped a photo of Angel joining the gang, which is why they're telling Kate about all this. It's all making perfect sense until one of the cops says, "It's out of the scope of our investigation, but Carlson said you might be interested." Eh? What part is out of their "scope," exactly? Investigating a planned robbery? That seems like something that any member of the police force could safely consider to be within their job description. Maybe they just mean Angel's involvement, but then their statement would imply that they can investigate every other suspected burglar, just not Angel. Plus, as we will see, Kate goes to check out the museum, and the other cops don't, so I'm forced to assume that these cops are from some special unit that can do all the boring grunt work, but can't act on anything they find out. Oh, maybe they're interns.

Dortmunder's hands shake as he opens a small box and reveals a small vial nested in cotton. His hands keep shaking. He's nervous. Or maybe drilling through steel vibrated his hands too much. Inside the vial is a pale yellow liquid. Demon pee? I don't want to know. Gunn explains to the impatient Kelp that the vial contains nitroglycerin. Oh. Kelp keeps complaining, Dortmunder shouts at Kelp to shut up, and in doing so, drops the vial. Which Angel catches on his shoe. No, he really did. And it didn't break when it landed. Those must be some super soft, comfy shoes that Angel has. Whatever. Angel picks the vial up off his shoe by lifting his leg instead of just bending over or letting Dortmunder pick it up, maybe because he wants to practice his "ungainly flamingo" Tai Chi moves. He puts the vial in the hole they made in the vault door, everyone takes cover, and Dortmunder uses some electronic gizmo to detonate the nitro and blow the lock.

At the hotel, Wesley reads from a book. "The shroud was woven by the head priest, said to have been driven mad by the demon himself. Once Rahmon was defeated, the priest dyed the shroud with the blood seven virgin women sacrificed on the first full moon, then laid it upon Rahmon's body in order to prevent his resurrection." Cordy starts complaining about virgin sacrifices and male dominance, and Scooter curls up for a quick nap. Wesley says that the shroud absorbed Rahmon's power. He is unhappy to discover that in 1803, the shroud was removed from its casing, and as a result "the entire population of El Encanto went insane, mothers and children hacking one another to pieces, men roaming the streets like rabid dogs..." Cordy observes that this might not be a good job for Angel after all. Wesley says that they'll warn Angel when he returns. Cordy says that's a fine idea, "unless, of course, they're stealing it right now." If only they had some kind of magical communication spell that would allow them all to keep each other updated when plans changed suddenly. Or, if that would strain the bounds of credibility too much, maybe they could remember they have cell phones. But then we'd have no story, so off they rush to the museum.

Angel steps into the vault, and spooky noises are heard as his eyes briefly turn yellow. He steps over the shroud's case, which has a glass panel in the lid so you can see the demon face on the shroud. How convenient. Angel looks at it and vamps out. Then he unvamps as Dortmunder asks whether everything's okay. "Everything's fine," Angel says in his evilest voice. Scooter rolls his ball back into a far corner of the room. Chinchillas scare easily.

After the commercial break, Angel goes to the handy alarm fusebox and looks at the pretty colored wires. Unsure about what to do , he solves the problem of the Gordian wiring by simply yanking out all the wires at once. A red light outside the vault flashes, and Dortmunder smiles because I guess that's the "all clear" light. They all enter the vault o' spooky noises. Gunn says he feels weird, and Kelp complains about how humans always have to tell everyone how they feel: "'I'm so happy, I'm so scared.' Makes me sick." Angel chortles, "I like it when they're scared. Makes 'em taste kind of, oh, salty." Kelp gets in Angel's face and says that he didn't ask for Angel's opinion. Angel winces and calls, "Altoids, aisle four!" Dortmunder tries to restore order while Gunn looks into the case and asks, "When [are] they gonna start making some pretty demons?" Angel's eyes start flashing yellow again, as they all heft the box.

Wesley discovers the unlocked door to the museum, and he and Cordelia enter. They immediately reel from the impact of the spooky noises. As they recover from their dizzy spells, Cordy says, "I think it's the altitude." They head down the hall while Wesley says, "Right, the altitude here at sea level." He and Cordy giggle. Cordy suggests splitting up to find Angel, but Wesley thinks that would be too dangerous. He turns down a hallway and Cordy obliviously walks straight on.

Pembleton makes sure he's got the story straight by asking Wesley if he's saying that there's a magic shroud that "turns people into super-strong lunatics. So one ripped the head off a guard, and another viciously attacked Detective Lockley." Bayliss pulls Wesley to his feet as Pembleton announces that they're arresting him. Then Kate steps in, and wow, nice job on the makeup. She's got dark circles under her eyes, and her lips are pale and wrinkly, and she definitely looks like she was overdrawn at the blood bank. She tells Pembleton and Bayliss to let Wesley go.

An unspecified amount of time later, Kate is peering into the box, so we can also admire the really nasty scar on her neck. Angel's got a really wide jaw, apparently. Cue the flashback. In blur-motion, Angel grabs her as she fires her gun, chomps down, and turns so she can look over Angel's shoulder to see Dortmunder taking aim. The vamped Angel whispers, "Stay down or they'll kill you," into her ear, and drops her to the floor. End flashback. Kate turns to stare thoughtfully at...something else.

Wesley and Cordelia sit nervously in the Hyperion lobby. Cordy is still wearing the necklace from the museum. Wesley doesn't think that Angel's coming downstairs. Cordy "hms" in response. Wesley doesn't think that "recent events did [Angel] a lot of good." Cordy says, "Again, a hearty 'hmmm.'" Wesley says, "It's not the shroud's effects on him that worry me as much as..." Cordy asks, "As what? My stealing? I returned everything, I swear!" I think that her lying about returning everything is as funny as it would be if she just didn't mention it. Particularly since, how would Wesley know that she took anything? He was under arrest when Cordy (presumably) regained her senses. And, for that matter, what did she take besides the necklace? See, now I'm too busy asking questions to be amused. Wesley explains that he's worried because Angel drank human blood from a living person, which is "something he hasn't done in a very long time." As noted in the forums, Angel drank Buffy's blood at the end of season three of Buffy. And he certainly drank human blood while he was Angelus in season two, though I guess you could say that wasn't Angel. But you'd be wrong. Cordy asks if their Darla-distraction project may have "re-awakened his blood-lust." Wesley says yes. "Full day's work, then," Cordy observes. And so they head home.

Up in his apartment, Angel -- come on, say it with me -- broods. He has his own flashback to drinking some Kate-blood, and apparently he particularly remembers clutching her arm. Maybe he just really liked her leather jacket.

week, Darla's dying, and Angel has to spend a lot of time wandering through an S&M parlor without a shirt. Scooter cowers in terror, and rightfully so. Am I gonna get reported to PeTA for exposing a chinchilla to things like this? Oh yeah, and having considered it carefully, I must report that Bayliss was more annoying. Just barely.