So before the show actually starts, Johanna calls me to see who can make the nastiest comment about how lame Buffy was. The ad for week's crossover "event" comes on while we're talking, and we stop mid-conversation to squeal when Spike suddenly lunges into the frame. I'll be talking about this more later. And watching it over and over again for the week. I'm just saying.
Previously on Angel: Darla's simpering blah blah blah Lindsey's bad hair blah blah blah Angel's angstcakes.
Wesley, who can't decide whether or not to tuck his shirt in, putters around behind the front desk of the Hyperion. He tugs on a drawer that won't open, tugs harder, and it flies out, spilling its contents all over the floor. Oh good. Wesley's doing physical comedy again. I grab my first-aid kit and begin wrapping bandages around my torso, to ensure that I don't accidentally break a rib with my hearty laughter. By the time I'm done with that, some guy with a very deep voice has entered, causing a kneeling Wesley to bump his noggin as he jumps up. The deep-voiced guy wants to see Angel. Angel's not there. Wesley falls down on the spilled papers. Thank god for those bandages. The deep-voiced guy expresses displeasure at Angel's absence, and leaves. Wesley begins picking up papers as Cordy enters. She says, "I found him, and we have to stop him before it's too late. We have to change our -- do you have any clothes a man would wear?" The bandages hold as I actually emit a slight snicker. It's not really that funny, but frankly, if an extra walked up to Wesley and said, "Doofus," I'd laugh, because I hate Wesley.
Cut to the Wolfram & Hart building. A grating in the floor opens and Angel and Gunn climb out. So, after the big break-in last season, apparently Wolfram & Hart decided that the vague if not non-existent function of those large, convenient gratings more than makes up for the giant security risk they pose. 'Kay. Angel and Gunn spot a couple of lawyers down the hall, and sneak past them into the elevator. Oh wait, those aren't lawyers -- they're Cordy and Wesley in clever disguises! I know this because they follow Angel and Gunn into the elevator and begin to cause a not-at-all-stealthy scene. For the sake of my aching fingers, let's take it as read that when Angel speaks, he presses a button to close the elevator doors, and when Cordy speaks, she presses a button to re-open those doors. Angel asks what they're doing. Cordy says that they're saving his life. Gunn asks how she and Wesley got in, and Wesley says they used the front entrance. Cordy puts on glasses and says, "Hello, lawyer." That's a brilliant disguise. Angel insists that he has to find her, and I think we all know who "her" is. In case we don't, Cordy says, "Still with the Darla of it." Which isn't actually a sentence, but she somehow manages to convey meaning with it anyway. Wesley asks whether Gunn supports this idea, and Gunn says that he's just along for the ride. If the ride ever starts, what with the duel over the elevator doors. Cordy reminds the audience of something I've been thinking about ever since the grating opened: "They have vampire detectors!"
Gunn says that Angel has a plan. Angel explains his plan thusly: "I get to the offices before they stop me." Gunn says, "See? -- What? That's the plan? Walkin' real quick was the plan?" I. Love. Gunn. So much. Cordy tells Angel, "You're all insane, and angry, and...insane! You need help!" Angel says that he isn't insane or angry. The elevator doors open again, and this time there's a guard outside. Although apparently the guard didn't come because of the vamp-detectors, since he looks surprised and grabs for his stake-baton, which I still want one of. One of which I still want. Whatever. I'm tired. Angel grabs the baton and jams it down into the guard's shoe. Yow! "Man, that's nasty," says Gunn. Not to mention scrapy. Angel leaves the elevator, and, in a piece of dialogue that we're not supposed to think was dubbed in later, admits, "Maybe I am a little angry." "Maybe?" shouts Cordelia as she follows. "Hm," says Gunn, as they head back for the grating. Roll credits. Wow, that was the shortest teaser ever. And, I'm guessing, it is a teaser which implies lots and lots of wackiness in this episode. As if the title weren't a big signpost reading: "Danger! Watch for falling prats!"
Two Japanese businessmen are karaoke-ing to "I Got You, Babe." We have definite confirmation of wackiness. Gunn looks around and asks, "What I want to know is, how I live in L.A. all my life and not know this weird-ass stuff was going on." Cordy says, "Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think," which I quote because that's a strange yet funny line. Wesley explains that the "host" (still no name, damn it!) reads the futures of those who perform. Okay, I can't stand calling him "host" any more. His name's Cary. Cary Okie. I'm sorry, I'm no good at naming people. Feel free to suggest other options. Gunn shakes his head, conveying more than I ever could. Cary is looking...dapper? Natty? Or just peculiar, depending on your point of view, not to mention whether or not watching Buffy has completely annihilated your fashion sense. So. He's wearing a blue-green suit over a pink shirt (lapels spread over the jacket, natch). And a polka-dot hanky. And a cravat. No, really. Cary asks if Angel's doing okay, and Angel admits that he's "a little...rocky." Cary says, "You're Rocky, and Rocky II, and half of the one with Mr. T. Tell me about it." Angel speaks in ellipses: "I feel this...like...I have to do something...and if I don't let it out I'll explode and then...when I do something it feels...I think maybe...this is it..." Finally, Angel gives up and says, "I'll sing if I have to." Cut back to Gunn, asking whether Angel is going to sing. He is properly horrified by the mere idea. Luckily, Cary tells Angel that no singing is required: "A break for you, a break for me, a break for Mr. Manilow." He leaves out, "A break for the already-tried-beyond-measure audience," but we all know he's thinking it. Cary writes down an address and hands it to Angel. He says, "It's an address in Ojai, a friend of mine. Even though, does he ever call? Does he ever write? Good guy, though." Hee. A bartender named Ramon strolls by with a drink for Cary, who declares, "I was just thinking, I'd rather be drinking!" Apparently this friend is one "T'ish Magev," who Angel identifies as a powerful swami. Cary says, "He'll shock your chakras, fillet your soul." Just when I think I couldn't like Cary more, the song finally ends, and he stands up and declares that the businessmen were "Cher-riffic!" Angel returns to the MoG and says, "We're going. I don't have to sing." Cordy bursts out with, "Oh, thank GOD! I mean, for your sake, because I know you don't like to do that."
Some time later, Angel cruises along in his Angelmobile, having neatly disposed of Cordy's body. Just kidding. She's fine, folks.
There she is, in fact, assuring Wesley that the swami will fix Angel up real good. Or words to that effect. Wesley blathers about how handy it is to treat psychological problems with magic. Cordy spins around in a chair and declares, "Look at me! I'm Angel!" Wesley says, "He doesn't generally spin that much." Cordy notes that and instead picks up a book and revises her impression. Rubbing her jaw, she intones, "Oh no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday." It's not really a good impression, but she's cute, so it's okay. Cordy winds up by insisting that she loves Angel (in a friendly way), but nevertheless, she's glad he's "heading the other way."
A negative-vert takes us to...a cabin along the shore of Boggy Creek, if I don't miss my guess. The night sky is cloudy and ominous as only a computer-generated sky can be, as Angel knocks on the door of a cabin. The door is answered by a not-at-all swami-like paunchy middle-aged man. He says he's the T'ish Magev, and more or less invites Angel in.
Cordy wanders through the...okay. The hair. Let's talk about the hair. So Charisma Carpenter got her hair cut, and apparently they decided to giver her a big fake ponytail extension. So she's got her fake hair pulled back, and her real hair hanging around her face, and it just looks dumb. Because, and I speak from experience, if you're pulling your hair back to get it out of your face, you usually make sure to get all of it pulled back, as opposed to leaving a third of it free to dangle along your cheeks in an annoying and unattractive fashion. I'm assuming this is because of the haircut. Maybe it's just yet another inexplicable fashion decision. My point is that, either way, it looks dopey. Okay? Thanks. Right, so she's wandering around the hotel. In a shirt I can't describe the awfulness of, because I've already ranted about her hair. But it's really, really ugly. A guy grabs her from behind and demands to know where Angel is. As the thug pulls out a pistol, we cut to Wesley overhearing the conversation. The thug insists, "My boss needs your boss, so I cannot leave without Angel, so you're gonna get him for me now, or I'm gonna blow your head off now." Cordy stammers. Then Wesley enters, clad in Angel's trench coat. He trips over absolutely nothing as he introduces himself as Angel.
Magev ("The Magev?" "T'ish?" These are the tough calls we have to make in the recapping biz) is asking about the Angelmobile, as he and Angel sit in the cabin near a roaring fire. The swami says that the car symbolizes Angel's problems: "A vampire living in a city known for its sun. Driving a convertible. Why do you hate yourself?" Angel says that he has to deal, and the swami asks, "Why not a personalized license plate that says 'Irony'?" Heh. The swami says that appearances are important to Angel, and I get the sense that a theme might be emerging. Something about identity. I'm distracted from putting the finishing touches on this theory when Angel insists, "It's just a car." Magev asks, "Why all the layers, all the black? Y'know, it's been about eighty degrees in the shade lately." "Then why the hell do you need that blazing fire, Mister Enlightened Swami?" I shout. Angel says that he doesn't have a body temperature, and Magev notes, "So it's for the look." Angel offers Neil Gaiman's excuse that if all he wears is black, he doesn't have to coordinate his outfits. Angel goes on to say that he doesn't have a reflection, and the swami notes, "You're reflected in the people around you. The way they see you. What do you think they see?"
Wesley tells the gun-toting thug, "That -- that -- that won't kill me." The thug shrugs (look, I made a rhyme!) and asks Wesley to go with him. Wesley plays it calm...ish...and says he doesn't see any reason to do what the thug says. The thug points out that while the gun won't kill a vampire, it will kill a human wearing an ugly blouse and hair extensions. I'm paraphrasing. Wesley agrees to go along but adds, "I shan't be cooperative." "Shan't"?
Wacky music plays wackily as the thug and that wacky Wesley wak, sorry, walk up to the front door of a large house. The building is guarded by some guys in black robes, which makes me wonder whether the Tribunal gang is moonlighting as a security company. The thug opens the door and steps inside, followed by Wesley. Without turning around, the thug says, in a voice so deep that Blue Whales can hear it, "I invite you in." Wesley, who has already entered, leans his head waaaay back as he jumps back through the doorway, and then re-enters as the thug turns around. Two older gentlemen step into the foyer, and at this point I'm guessing that most of this episode's cast has been, or will be, extras on The Sopranos, but since I only just got HBO, I haven't seen any episodes and won't recognize them. Sorry. Anyway, the taller guy says, "I'm not saying it was on purpose -- it's just, obviously, someone gives your drivers their instructions." The shorter guy says, "And your drivers? One little overreaction. You never know what that's gonna lead to." This conversation will never, ever be explained. Drivers? The taller guy says that it's nice that they "cleared it all up," and the shorter guy responds, "I think you understand me perfectly, Paul." At last, someone has a name! As Paul heads for the door, he glances at Wesley, and overhears the thug introduce Wesley as Angel. Paul leaves. The shorter guy leads Wesley into a study and introduces himself as "Magnus Bryce," and then identifies the thug as "Benny." Bryce has scored major points with me by giving everyone names. Plus, Bryce was the name of the young genius programmer on Max Headroom, from which I adopted the term "blipverts." Talk about a cleansing burst of synchronicity.
Wesley says that he knows who Bryce is because he reads the business pages, and asks what Bryce wants. Bryce says, "You help people, I need help. Protection for someone very dear to me." Benny hands Wesley a drink. It's a yummy glass full of tomato juice. I mean, blood. Ew. Wesley says, "I don't usually...drink in front of humans." Bryce insists: "Don't insult me. Go on; it's fresh." If I were Wesley, I'd start asking where exactly Bryce got this glass full of fresh blood, because as a nice soul-y vampire, I don't want other people getting killed or hurt or losing their precious bodily fluids just so that Bryce can impress me with how well-stocked his bar is. But if I were Wesley, I'd wrestle Benny's gun away and shoot myself, so there you are. Wesley takes a few gulps of the blood and gasps, "Dear God...that's...nummy." Bryce explains that his software and cable network are just fronts: "The family money comes from wizardry." For the few minutes, Wesley makes some unpleasant burping noises and assorted unhappy faces, while Bryce explains, "My great-grandfather created our first spell in his garage. A simple tallness illusion. Now it's all custom design work for people with the right money." The right money? Not the right amount, just generally "right." He continues, "You see someone in this town with looks and talent, chances are we provided one of 'em." Wesley points out that he works for the WB, and rarely encounters that particular combination of traits. While both Bryce and Benny are looking elsewhere, Wesley dumps the contents of his glass into a nearby vase. Which is, naturally, clear, so everyone can see that the water has acquired a pinkish tone. Wesley positions himself to block Bryce's view of the vase. Bryce says that in the course of business, he's made some enemies. Wesley asks if the man who just left is one of those enemies. Bryce explains that Paul's last name is Lanier, and that "his firm's in wish-granting." I'm disappointed when the closed captioning confirms that Paul's last name isn't spelled "Lennier," as in Lennier of the Third Fane of Chu'Domo. Well, they can't all be shout-outs. He finally gets to the point: "Someone is threatening my daughter. My only family. Maybe it's Lanier, maybe it's Briggs over at Consolidated Curses." Heh. I'm suddenly brought out of my post-Lanier depression by the sound of another familiar name. Briggs! My phone rings. It's Djb, calling to say, "Hi, Bobby." I hang up, because whether it's Bobby Briggs or Joe Bob himself, if he turns up on this show I'm keeping him all to myself. I turn my attention back to the show I'm supposed to be discussing. Sorry. I'm a little sleep-deprived. Oh, that wacky election. Where were we? Um, Bryce wants Wesley to protect his daughter, and isn't inclined to take no for an answer. See, you didn't miss a thing.
Magev tells Angel, "There are two yous." Angel is stumped by this until Magev says, "The image you've worked so hard to create, and the real you." Angel reluctantly admits that his persona is "a little affected." Magev scoffs, "How many warriors slated for the coming apocalypse do you think are going to be using that hair gel?" Angel self-consciously clutches his hair, and I chuckle. He goes on to say that Angel can't fight the soldiers of darkness if he's fighting himself, and pulls down some big ol' fighting sticks. Or pool cues. Whatever. Billiards-vert.
Bryce, Wesley, and Benny enter a bedroom where a curly-haired moppet lays on a bed. Okay, she's not a moppet; she's, like, thirty-five. She's wearing one of those shirts with the convenient cleavage slit, and says a few things to establish that she's spoiled and cynical. She's so clearly a rush order from the clichéd-character supply company that I'm amazed Styrofoam peanuts don't fall out of her hair. She's also unimpressed by Wesley, so she's not a complete fool. Virginia guesses that her dad had Wesley brought in under duress. Wesley suavely steps into the room, spies his reflection in a mirror, shrieks, jumps, knocks some kind of hideous clown-thing off the wall, and demands that they cover the mirror. When Virginia asks why, he says that if they're attacked, he doesn't want the bad guys to realize that he's a vampire. Because they won't be as easily intimidated as they will be if they just think he's a British twerp. Well, it seems to make sense to Bryce and Virginia. Wesley asks to speak privately with Virginia, and Bryce leaves. Wesley admits that he didn't choose to come, but points out that Virginia does need protection. Wesley tells her, "We're both stuck here, so it seems to me, I might as well do what he wants me to do. Do my best to protect you." Virginia considers this for a moment, than hops up and says, "Let's go shopping." Wesley, puzzled, says, "It's the middle of the night. Wouldn't you rather wait till morning...when I can't reasonably leave the house. Yes, as your bodyguard, I insist we go at once." And away they go.
At the Hyperion, Cordy tells Gunn that Wesley was abducted at gunpoint. "And this whole 'I'm Angel' thing is a very, very bad idea. I mean if I thought that would work, I could've been Angel, because guess what? Pretty much a girly name." I totally missed that remark the first time I watched this, because I was so astonished by her shirt and hair. So a belated "hee" from me. She says she tried to follow Wesley but lost him, and fills Gunn in on her new plan: "You go get Angel from the swami place, I track down Wesley." She says that the thug was distinctive-looking, and that she might be able to track him down because of that whole thing where the police have their mug shots online. Gunn says he'll get started, but it may take him a while to track down the swami. Cordy worries about where Wesley is.
Wesley is, wackily enough, at a store that sells...stuff. I dunno, it looks kind of like a museum gift shop. Wesley claims that the items are actually "wizard supplies," and I wouldn't have guessed that the prominently featured champagne bucket would be something wizards have to go to a special store for, but what do I know? Wesley expresses concern for Virginia's safety. Virginia shops. She says she's looking for a present for her father's fiftieth birthday party tomorrow night. She looks over some talismans, saying that they are "images of the goddess Yeska, his favorite creepy deity." Wesley suggests that she go for the iron version, since "one good spell" would melt a gold version. Virginia talks about how her dad used to teach her about runes and so on, but they don't bond like that any more, and guess what? There's a character on this show who has a troubled relationship with her father. I know, I know, they're breaking new ground here. Go lie down, breathe deeply, the shock will pass.
Wesley insists, "Your father obviously loves you, too. He's gone to some trouble to protect you." Virginia sniffs, "He has his car insured, too." Then she notices that Wesley is resting his hand on a decorative cross atop a helmet. Wesley winces, and plunges his hand into the handy ice-bucket (so that's why a wizard would need to buy a -- guh?). Then he flinches again because the ice is all cold and stuff. Two heavies stroll up beside Virginia and one tells her, "We're going now. Say goodbye to the pretty guy." Virginia stage-whispers, "Angel!" The bad guy steps back and asks, "The vampire?" Wesley pulls off his glasses and says, "Yes, I'm Angel. The vampire with a soul. Fighting for my redemption with...with...killing evil demons." He goes on to describe himself as a "scourge of the demon world," and says, "I don't kill humans...unless I'm angry." Virginia makes a daring break for freedom by slowly edging over to Wesley's side. The baddies admit that they're working for Lanier, and Wesley tells them to go. He suddenly covers his face with his hand, as if trying to keep his game face from appearing, and instructs them to tell Lanier, "Forget about the girl." Exit the baddies. Wesley puts his glasses back on and suggests to the easily-awed Virginia that it's time to go home.
Angel and Magev battle with their sticks on a lovely covered bridge overlooking Boggy Creek. Magev taunts him, "You're wimping! This ain't Riverdance -- fight!" Angel says that he is fighting, and Magev says he's holding back. "Why can't you let go?" he asks. Angel hisses, "If I let it, it'll kill you." "It?" Magev asks. I automatically chant, "We all float down here!" Angel explains, "The demon." Magev says that Angel is the demon: "That's the thing you've spent so much energy trying to conceal." Angel says that he can't let it control him. Magev nods, and then trips Angel with the stick. "You don't think it controls you?" Magev wonders, and walks away.
Inside the cabin, Magev is on the phone saying, "I don't know how long I can keep up this Yoda gag." Ruh-roh, Scooby! But props for having a plot twist that was not visible from several miles away. Magev says...but it's not really Magev. See. Identities. Deep stuff. Start working on your senior thesis now. Not-Magev says, "There's something we didn't think about. Y'know, the guy can smell blood." At the other end of the line, we discover Lanier asking what Not-Magev is talking about. Not-Magev says, "It's only a matter of time before he sniffs out where I stashed the real Magev's body." Ew. If it's eighty degrees in the shade, I think even non-vampires will be smelling the body pretty soon. Not-Magev says that he's supposed to keep Angel there for the whole weekend. Lanier interrupts to make sure that Angel is really there with Not-Magev. "Yeah, he's right outside! He's brooding. He came up here right after he spoke to the host, just like Ramone said he would," Not-Magev confirms. Lanier says, "The vampire's with you? Then who the hell is the English guy?"
Cordy's looking at mug shots online. Whatever. She's bored with the concept too. She turns her attention to a magazine nearby called Convenient Plot Devices Weekly. Or maybe it's called Bio. It's hard to make out the letters for sure. The cover story is: "A star's self-destruction: Richard's sad slide." Beneath that, smaller type reads: "After months of boozing [?] and partying, Richard [something blurry] checks into a rehab -- but it may be too late to save his marriage to [more blurry names]." Why do I tell you this? Because I ruined my eyes trying to read it, that's why. I suffer so that you don't have to. You're welcome. On a whim, Cordy looks in the table of contents for the "celeb photos" section. If this is meant to be a People clone, wouldn't that section be called, "the entire magazine"? ["No. People is about 15% celeb photos and profiles, and the rest filler about 'regular Americans.' Total snooze. You're thinking of InStyle." -- Wing Chun] Nope, apparently they're all on page 46. She flips through and I'm amazed to see how much text there is in this glossy celebrity magazine. Page 46 has exactly one photo on it -- of Bryce, his daughter, and that lovable goon, Benny. Or maybe that's not page 46, but a other page she just happened to stop on. I don't know. The point is, she has discovered who nabbed Wesley. Now all she has to do is send him a nice thank-you card, and her work will be done.
Wesley escorts Virginia back to her room. She says she's angry "at the whole thing -- the fact that [she has] to live like this." Wesley says it's a bad situation. Virginia thinks his remark is insufficient, and opines, "It's a waste of a life." She complains, "I keep waiting for my life to start, and it never does. There's just more locks and surveillance cameras and -- guards?" For that's when she spots two black-cloaked Tribunal-members-for-hire outside her door. She walks up to one of them demanding that they leave, and of course he grabs her, because they're not guards at all. The other robed baddie pulls out a handful of...well, fire, and tells Wesley, "Let your flesh be weakened." I assume this is a magic spell and not just a fervently expressed desire on his part. But apparently it's a vampire-specific spell, because Wesley says, "Right, then!" and trades the wackiness in for some actual whacking. The baddies scamper off, and Virginia is once again astonished. She says, "Your face -- you don't go all...like a regular vampire?" Wesley says, "I suppose I'm not like a regular vampire."
Angel tells Not-Magev, "Not a vampire at all, really." Turns out he's talking about Darla. Did they hire the guy who used to edit Magnum, P.I. for this episode? Because that show always had the conversation overlapping the cuts this way. Not-Magev says that seeing Darla has triggered Angel's "inner struggle." At this point, we realize that they're fishing off of the bridge. All right. Not-Magev points out, "She's not even the one who did this to you." Angel insists that it's still Darla and that "it's kind of hard to explain." Not-Magev says that Angel is obsessed, and that he blames Darla for his situation. Angel agrees. Not-Magev says that Angel wants to punish Darla: "But at the same time you want to thank her." Angel has some trouble with that idea. Not-Magev says that Darla gave Angel a gift, and that Angel is "deeply ambivalent." Angel says, "I am, and I'm not." Not-Magev proposes a solution. He asks Angel to describe Darla, and then suggests, "You go out, and you find yourself some small blonde thing. You bed her, you love her, you treat her like crap, you break her heart. You and your inner demon will thank me, I promise." Angel looks uncomfortable, and gets as far as saying, "Um," before we cut away. His words were probably, "Didn't someone give Lloyd Dobler that same advice in Say Anything?" ["Plus, didn't Angel already do that, anyway, with a little blonde called Buffy? I don't watch either show, so I'm legitimately wondering." -- Wing Chun]
In her bedroom, Wesley asks Virginia if she's okay. She talks about how she fantasizes about running away, getting a job as a perfume sprayer or "working in a tire store." She also claims to be twenty-four. Wesley guesses that Bryce wouldn't allow Virginia to take that kind of risk. Virginia says, "He says that they would grab me in a second, use me to get to him. If you think about it, he's saying that if I moved out, it would kill him. I'd be responsible." She leans on Wesley's shoulder. They kiss. Without stopping, Virginia apologizes, and says, "I know we can't." She says that she knows about his curse. "Ah, the curse..." Wesley chuckles, but I don't think he's really amused at all.
Angel and Not-Magev are also chatting about the curse, as it happens. Not-Magev asks, "So you really can't...at all?" Angel says, "Well, that's part of what makes me special, right?" Er, right. Not-Magev asks if the curse is "a sex thing." Angel says no, not specifically, and Not-Magev asks for the specifics.
"Perfect happiness," Wesley explains. He kisses Virginia, muttering, "Mustn't let oneself get diabolical...consequences...I should...You know, this whole curse thing has been widely misinterpreted." "Really?" Virginia asks, as she nuzzles his ear. "Oh yes!" Wesley blurts, which may or may not be a response to her question. He goes on to say that it's "less of a curse, and more of a hex, actually. Barely that -- a recommendation." They kiss some more. Virginia asks if he's sure. Wesley says, "I want to be honest with you, I want to tell you everything. I'm not --" she mashes her lips against his before he can get any farther, and they collapse out of the frame. You'd think I'd be really upset by that scene, but I think it's so far beyond my comprehension that my brain simply refuses to acknowledge what I'm seeing, and I'm actually very calm about the whole thing.
The sun rises. Gunn's truck pulls up to the Angelmobile. He gets out and shouts, "Yo, yo, anybody home?" Not-Magev walks up and says, "Morning, traveler. Do you seek enlightenment?" Gunn says that he's seeking Angel, and asks if he's around. Not-Magev says, "He was, and then the sun came up, and -- see that pile of dust over there?" Before Gunn can react, Not-Magev laughs and says he's just kidding, and that Angel's inside. Gunn heads for the house, commenting, "We got ourselves a funny Zen master." And then Not-Magev clunks Gunn over the head, punches him, and knocks him out. Oh, I don't like that at all. We hear a door latch, and Angel steps out onto the shaded porch demanding, "Which lesson was that, exactly?" Not-Magev insists, "He was not your friend. I sensed danger." Angel asks where the real T'ish Magev is: "Did you kill him? Did you put him in the lake?" Not-Magev grins and admits, "Something like that. But you know what? Somehow, I'm not worried about you right now, seeing as how you can't get any closer." He laughs again and savors the warm rays of sunlight. He turns his back as Angel picks up one of the fishing poles. Norman Maclean is haunted by more than just the waters as with one quick motion, Angel casts out the line, wrapping it around Not-Magev's head and placing the hook neatly in his lower lip. Owie! Angel pulls the line in, dragging Not-Magev into the shade. "What're you doing?" Not-Magev manages to mumble. Angel, his game face on, answers, "Getting in touch with my inner demon." Well, that sounds therapeutic.
Virginia and Wesley lay naked in bed. Wesley admires her completely unsmeared makeup. Cut to Wesley sneaking out of her room, fully (thank you, lord) dressed. A dressed Virginia kisses him goodbye, and before she's closed the door, Cordelia rushes up, gasping, "I found you!" Wesley asks how she got in, and she says that the guards let her in when she said she worked for Angel. She says, "You've got everybody scared around here, I'll tell you that. It's like they don't even know you're a Shemp." The closed captioning leaves that last line out, possibly because they couldn't make any sense of it. It took me a few times, I must admit. Okay, so Cordy is knowledgeable about the Three Stooges as well as the Marx Brothers. This is the very definition of "out of character." Virginia steps out, curious, and Cordy introduces herself. Wesley sends Virginia back into her room for his coat. Cordy suggests that this would be a good time to leave, but Wesley says he has a job to do. Cordy says that he has "delusions of Angel. You're not him. You can't do stuff on your own." Then she says, "Oh, crud," as Bryce and Benny approach. Wesley tries to cover by saying he asked Cordy to test the security. "Did you know your guards just let her in?" he asks. Bryce says he instructed the guards to do so, "because I wanted my daughter to hear someone call you by your real name." Virginia returns and asks what's going on. Bryce says, "I got a call from an anonymous friend with some information. This guy isn't Angel." Benny drags Wesley back toward an open window, and everyone watches as the sunlight fails to have any effect on him. Wesley gamely tries to insist, "It burns!" but gives it up. Virginia looks stunned. Wesley finally introduces himself. Virginia says, "I talked to you. I trusted you. You lied to me. Come to think of it, you actually put my life in danger!" Then she adds a not-at-all-needed note of pathos as she says, "I finally thought I had a friend." She hands Wesley his coat and walks back to her father. Bryce says, "You're going to get out of my house now, loser. And take the piece with you." A guard pushes them out as Cordy complains about being referred to as "the piece."
Downstairs, Benny tells Bryce, "You should have let me kill him." Bryce suddenly tosses Benny against a wall and shouts, "Never tell me what to do! Never! You brought me the wrong guy, you risked the whole sacrifice, you understand?" He steps into another room which contains a big papier-mâché altar, and says that the sacrifice is in a few hours. "This is the party of my life," Bryce says, bending over to toy with the manacles attached to the altar. In case we haven't grasped the scenario yet, Bryce adds, "Obviously, Virginia's too." Gosh. He's not just overprotective, he's also evil! The father! Being all evil to his own child! I am so beyond sick of this idea that I can't stand it. I miss the stalkers. Bring back the demented men who develop freakish superpowers so that they can stalk blondes. Please. And if you can't do that, could you at least not name the characters after significant plot points, because I figured that maybe Virginia's name might be significant three scenes ago. Thanks.
Back at the hotel, Cordy comforts Wesley by saying, "That was pretty humiliating, huh?" Wesley is too depressed to respond, "I could say the same thing about your shirt." Angel leads a still-dazed Gunn into the lobby, and Cordy asks what happened. Angel wants to know why Wesley is wearing his coat. No one explains, so Angel summarizes his adventures with the fake swami. Wesley asks who hired Not-Magev. Angel answers, "He wouldn't say. That is my coat, right?" Angel looks genuinely concerned about his jacket, which amuses me. Wesley figures that Lanier must have hired Not-Magev: "He thought that would keep Virginia unprotected. Then, when his men couldn't take me out, he tipped off Bryce that I wasn't Angel." Angel wonders, "What's going on? Were you in Virginia?" Wesley hesitates and says, "That's beside the point." That's not even a single entendre. That's a half-entendre. Cordy explains about Bryce trying to hire Angel. Wesley mentions that Bryce is having a big party that night: "Cake, ice cream, tributes to the goddess Yeska." Angel perks up, "I know Yeska -- she's no goddess." I expect him to continue by saying Yeska is this girl he went to high school with, and she's cute and all, but goddess is quite an exaggeration. Instead, he says, "She's a Davric demon." Isn't Wesley the demon expert? I guess he doesn't know them personally. Fine. Wesley does say, "Davric? They don't serve humans." He explains that Davric demons require a live sacrifice to nibble on in exchange for their services. We all figure it out. Eventually even Wesley does: "Bryce is going to sacrifice his own daughter!" Instead of immediately rushing to the rescue, they decide to use this time to resolve any remaining plot holes. Which I appreciate, so I won't ask why they can't wait till later. Cordy asks why Lanier wanted to kidnap Virginia. Angel says, "Bryce is gonna get a lot of power off this sacrifice." Well, that seems to be the only plot hole. For now. But there's a gigantic one directly in their path. Wesley orders, "Angel, you take Gunn, go to the front of the house. Cordelia and I will go to the back." Angel stops Wesley, and Wesley concedes that Angel is better at planning "this sort of thing." Angel ponders the situation, and declares, "Um, well, Gunn and I could...take the back." The dramatic music starts up and Wesley marches off. Angel trails him, asking, "Could I get my coat back?"
Let's get this party started. Virginia eyes the altar suspiciously and asks Benny if a girl is going to jump out of it. "Not really," Benny says. Bryce taps a spoon against a glass. He thanks everyone for coming and says, "My feelings run almost too deep for words, but I'll try to do this, and do it right." He lights a candle and says, "Yeska of the razor eyes and stone heart, take this offering." The lights dim as he goes on about casting his most precious emerald into the ocean. I suspect he's speaking metaphorically. Virginia says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" as if she doesn't know he's a wizard. Benny grabs Virginia's wrist and drags her to the altar, fastening the manacles. As Virginia protests, Bryce tells her, "Be a good girl. This is hard enough already." "He's really torn about it," Benny explains. Bryce steps forward and rubs some water onto Virginia's forehead. Then Wesley (having returned Angel's coat) leads the MoG into the room and declares, "Release her or die." "Don't I say that?" Angel wonders. And then there's a fight. While that's happening, my phone rings. It's Johanna, who wants me to explain how Angel got into the house. I have no answer for her. If it's because when Wesley was invited in, Benny thought he was inviting Angel in, that's really extraordinarily stupid. The fighting continues. Wesley starts to free Virginia, while Bryce huddles in a corner and says, "The hour approaches, Yeska. Do not be blind to my plea." A wind blows, lightning flashes, and a pudgy harpy with big sharp pointy teeth appears. She reaches toward Virginia and growls, "The sacrifice!" Virginia recoils, and Yeska adds "-- is impure!" Yeska squeals and is sucked down into the giant sucking plot hole in this otherwise passable episode. Poof, she's gone. Virginia asks Wesley why he came back, and Wesley answers, "I said I'd protect you." Although it turns out that Virginia was in no danger, actually. But it's the thought that counts.
And now, a quote-heavy paragraph. There's a lot of funny bits here that I had to include. Bryce asks curiously, "She's impure? She's not a virgin?" He looks at Wesley and growls, "You..." as the gentle strains of the wackiness melody start again. "Whoa!" comments Gunn. "That's what 'impure' meant?" Cordelia is dumbfounded. Bryce says, "You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch." "You slept with her?" Cordy wonders. "A eunuch?!" Angel interrupts. Wesley explains, "Things happen. Two young people. Danger." Virginia still doesn't get it. Bryce tells Wesley, "She was a virgin before you got here." Virginia firmly declares, "I was not a virgin." Bryce is surprised. Wesley is relieved. Gunn says, "I coulda told you she wasn't no virgin." Which I suppose is sexist, but it's also funny, so I don't care. "I am not a eunuch!" Angel insists. Cordy, still stunned, says, "One day as Angel. One day, and he's getting some." She looks at Gunn, who shrugs. Bryce asks, "How could you? I kept you away from all men." No one listens as Angel mutters, "The curse isn't even all that clear." Virginia starts talking about the chauffeur Bryce hired when she was sixteen, and another one he hired when she was eighteen, and so on and so forth. "I even dated Rick," she tells him, and everyone looks as one of the hooded guards slips out of the room. Bryce hisses, "Don't do this. Don't make me angry!" Virginia says, "Right. Because then you might do something bad. You were going to kill me!" And with that, she decks him. "You are not my father any more," she says, and storms out. Angel quietly tells the fallen Bryce, "I'm not a eunuch."
Back at the Hyperion, Cordy has changed into a clingy dress and modified the ponytail so that it doesn't look so freakish. She hands Angel some pages torn out of a magazine and demands, "Look!" Angel looks at a photo of Wesley and Virginia laughing at a party. He reads: "Virginia Bryce, squired by Mr. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, private detective and bodyguard to the stars..." Angel chuckles and asks, "Who says 'squired'?" Cordy instructs Angel to "look at him, all over her!" Angel says that Cordy is just jealous of the attention Wesley is getting. Cordy snaps, "Damn skippy!" Skippy? What'd he have to do with it? Isn't he off stalking Mallory Keaton somewhere? Oh, wait, it's an expression. She continues, "He's getting famous off this! Reflected glory? That's my thing!" Johanna tells me that "damn skippy" is no longer a hip expression. I didn't know it ever was one. Dude, I'm so square. Wait, we don't say that any more either, do we? I give up. Cordy, still upset, leaves. Angel looks at the article again, and repeats, "'Bodyguard to the stars'? Yeah, right." As we fade out to the recurring wackiness tune, he bitterly adds, "There's no Wyndam-Pryce agency." Hey, do you think anyone went back to tell Cary that his swami friend was murdered, and there's a spy at his club? Just wondering.
week...aw, yeah, baby. Will Buffy realize that long dangling scarves are not a good slaying accessory? Will there be mega-flashbacks? Will Cordy take comfort in the fact that her wig is still better than Angel's? Will Spike model several new (or, rather, old) hairstyles? Will there be a subway fight straight out of Highlander 2? Will a herd of vampires re-enact the opening credits of Reservoir Dogs? Will I care what happens, as long as I get to talk about Spike?