So before the show actually starts, Johanna calls me to see who can make the nastiest comment about how lame Buffy was. The ad for week's crossover "event" comes on while we're talking, and we stop mid-conversation to squeal when Spike suddenly lunges into the frame. I'll be talking about this more later. And watching it over and over again for the week. I'm just saying.
Previously on Angel: Darla's simpering blah blah blah Lindsey's bad hair blah blah blah Angel's angstcakes.
Wesley, who can't decide whether or not to tuck his shirt in, putters around behind the front desk of the Hyperion. He tugs on a drawer that won't open, tugs harder, and it flies out, spilling its contents all over the floor. Oh good. Wesley's doing physical comedy again. I grab my first-aid kit and begin wrapping bandages around my torso, to ensure that I don't accidentally break a rib with my hearty laughter. By the time I'm done with that, some guy with a very deep voice has entered, causing a kneeling Wesley to bump his noggin as he jumps up. The deep-voiced guy wants to see Angel. Angel's not there. Wesley falls down on the spilled papers. Thank god for those bandages. The deep-voiced guy expresses displeasure at Angel's absence, and leaves. Wesley begins picking up papers as Cordy enters. She says, "I found him, and we have to stop him before it's too late. We have to change our -- do you have any clothes a man would wear?" The bandages hold as I actually emit a slight snicker. It's not really that funny, but frankly, if an extra walked up to Wesley and said, "Doofus," I'd laugh, because I hate Wesley.
Cut to the Wolfram & Hart building. A grating in the floor opens and Angel and Gunn climb out. So, after the big break-in last season, apparently Wolfram & Hart decided that the vague if not non-existent function of those large, convenient gratings more than makes up for the giant security risk they pose. 'Kay. Angel and Gunn spot a couple of lawyers down the hall, and sneak past them into the elevator. Oh wait, those aren't lawyers -- they're Cordy and Wesley in clever disguises! I know this because they follow Angel and Gunn into the elevator and begin to cause a not-at-all-stealthy scene. For the sake of my aching fingers, let's take it as read that when Angel speaks, he presses a button to close the elevator doors, and when Cordy speaks, she presses a button to re-open those doors. Angel asks what they're doing. Cordy says that they're saving his life. Gunn asks how she and Wesley got in, and Wesley says they used the front entrance. Cordy puts on glasses and says, "Hello, lawyer." That's a brilliant disguise. Angel insists that he has to find her, and I think we all know who "her" is. In case we don't, Cordy says, "Still with the Darla of it." Which isn't actually a sentence, but she somehow manages to convey meaning with it anyway. Wesley asks whether Gunn supports this idea, and Gunn says that he's just along for the ride. If the ride ever starts, what with the duel over the elevator doors. Cordy reminds the audience of something I've been thinking about ever since the grating opened: "They have vampire detectors!"
Gunn says that Angel has a plan. Angel explains his plan thusly: "I get to the offices before they stop me." Gunn says, "See? -- What? That's the plan? Walkin' real quick was the plan?" I. Love. Gunn. So much. Cordy tells Angel, "You're all insane, and angry, and...insane! You need help!" Angel says that he isn't insane or angry. The elevator doors open again, and this time there's a guard outside. Although apparently the guard didn't come because of the vamp-detectors, since he looks surprised and grabs for his stake-baton, which I still want one of. One of which I still want. Whatever. I'm tired. Angel grabs the baton and jams it down into the guard's shoe. Yow! "Man, that's nasty," says Gunn. Not to mention scrapy. Angel leaves the elevator, and, in a piece of dialogue that we're not supposed to think was dubbed in later, admits, "Maybe I am a little angry." "Maybe?" shouts Cordelia as she follows. "Hm," says Gunn, as they head back for the grating. Roll credits. Wow, that was the shortest teaser ever. And, I'm guessing, it is a teaser which implies lots and lots of wackiness in this episode. As if the title weren't a big signpost reading: "Danger! Watch for falling prats!"
Two Japanese businessmen are karaoke-ing to "I Got You, Babe." We have definite confirmation of wackiness. Gunn looks around and asks, "What I want to know is, how I live in L.A. all my life and not know this weird-ass stuff was going on." Cordy says, "Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think," which I quote because that's a strange yet funny line. Wesley explains that the "host" (still no name, damn it!) reads the futures of those who perform. Okay, I can't stand calling him "host" any more. His name's Cary. Cary Okie. I'm sorry, I'm no good at naming people. Feel free to suggest other options. Gunn shakes his head, conveying more than I ever could. Cary is looking...dapper? Natty? Or just peculiar, depending on your point of view, not to mention whether or not watching Buffy has completely annihilated your fashion sense. So. He's wearing a blue-green suit over a pink shirt (lapels spread over the jacket, natch). And a polka-dot hanky. And a cravat. No, really. Cary asks if Angel's doing okay, and Angel admits that he's "a little...rocky." Cary says, "You're Rocky, and Rocky II, and half of the one with Mr. T. Tell me about it." Angel speaks in ellipses: "I feel this...like...I have to do something...and if I don't let it out I'll explode and then...when I do something it feels...I think maybe...this is it..." Finally, Angel gives up and says, "I'll sing if I have to." Cut back to Gunn, asking whether Angel is going to sing. He is properly horrified by the mere idea. Luckily, Cary tells Angel that no singing is required: "A break for you, a break for me, a break for Mr. Manilow." He leaves out, "A break for the already-tried-beyond-measure audience," but we all know he's thinking it. Cary writes down an address and hands it to Angel. He says, "It's an address in Ojai, a friend of mine. Even though, does he ever call? Does he ever write? Good guy, though." Hee. A bartender named Ramon strolls by with a drink for Cary, who declares, "I was just thinking, I'd rather be drinking!" Apparently this friend is one "T'ish Magev," who Angel identifies as a powerful swami. Cary says, "He'll shock your chakras, fillet your soul." Just when I think I couldn't like Cary more, the song finally ends, and he stands up and declares that the businessmen were "Cher-riffic!" Angel returns to the MoG and says, "We're going. I don't have to sing." Cordy bursts out with, "Oh, thank GOD! I mean, for your sake, because I know you don't like to do that."
“ Some time later, Angel cruises along in his Angelmobile, having neatly disposed of Cordy's body. Just kidding. She's fine, folks. ”
Some time later, Angel cruises along in his Angelmobile, having neatly disposed of Cordy's body. Just kidding. She's fine, folks.
There she is, in fact, assuring Wesley that the swami will fix Angel up real good. Or words to that effect. Wesley blathers about how handy it is to treat psychological problems with magic. Cordy spins around in a chair and declares, "Look at me! I'm Angel!" Wesley says, "He doesn't generally spin that much." Cordy notes that and instead picks up a book and revises her impression. Rubbing her jaw, she intones, "Oh no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday." It's not really a good impression, but she's cute, so it's okay. Cordy winds up by insisting that she loves Angel (in a friendly way), but nevertheless, she's glad he's "heading the other way."
A negative-vert takes us to...a cabin along the shore of Boggy Creek, if I don't miss my guess. The night sky is cloudy and ominous as only a computer-generated sky can be, as Angel knocks on the door of a cabin. The door is answered by a not-at-all swami-like paunchy middle-aged man. He says he's the T'ish Magev, and more or less invites Angel in.
Cordy wanders through the...okay. The hair. Let's talk about the hair. So Charisma Carpenter got her hair cut, and apparently they decided to giver her a big fake ponytail extension. So she's got her fake hair pulled back, and her real hair hanging around her face, and it just looks dumb. Because, and I speak from experience, if you're pulling your hair back to get it out of your face, you usually make sure to get all of it pulled back, as opposed to leaving a third of it free to dangle along your cheeks in an annoying and unattractive fashion. I'm assuming this is because of the haircut. Maybe it's just yet another inexplicable fashion decision. My point is that, either way, it looks dopey. Okay? Thanks. Right, so she's wandering around the hotel. In a shirt I can't describe the awfulness of, because I've already ranted about her hair. But it's really, really ugly. A guy grabs her from behind and demands to know where Angel is. As the thug pulls out a pistol, we cut to Wesley overhearing the conversation. The thug insists, "My boss needs your boss, so I cannot leave without Angel, so you're gonna get him for me now, or I'm gonna blow your head off now." Cordy stammers. Then Wesley enters, clad in Angel's trench coat. He trips over absolutely nothing as he introduces himself as Angel.