The show starts off with drama, in the form of Chris being Chris. Mike enters a room with a message about phone times, Chris pipes in with some sort of lame remark, and Mike tells him to shut the fuck up. Cue Chris getting VERY upset. Now, telling someone to shut the fuck up is NOT very nice, but everyone in the house seems to be of the opinion that Chris is overly dramatic in his reactions to everything. He tells us that it all hearkens back to his verbally and physically abusive mother, and calls a house meeting so he can apologize to the others for being so prone to rubbing them the wrong way and give a little info about his past. Which in itself is a rather dramatic move, if you ask me. The number of people who are nice to Chris triples, as Jourdan and Cory both show him kindness (in addition to BFF Nina) during the episode. Mike, however, has no sympathy, and rationalizes that part of being grown up is developing some coping mechanisms.
Everyone then moves on to some runway drama, as they have a challenge that involves walking on a spinning turntable right in the middle of the catwalk. The Editor-in-Chief of Nylon is there, and the winner of the challenge will get to be on NylonTV, which apparently is a thing that exists. Nina freaks out because she already has a problematic ankle, which she hurt by wearing stupid shoes and engaging in hula hoop shenanigans at casting. The medic comes and wraps her ankle, and she is just fine. In fact, none of the contestants even fall! What a waste. One of the judges does call Nina a "loose noodle," however, just to give us some solace. Jeremy and Mike are singled out as being particularly bad, with one of the judges referencing Jeremy's chest-baring Zoolander moment. Phil, Renee and Chris rise to the top of the pack, but it's Jourdan who is proving herself to be a really good model (if still a dullard!) and takes home the challenge victory.
The photo shoot this week is "trailer park chic," which gives Phil a lot of time to engage in white trash stereotypes. The models get to choose who they pose with based on how well they did last week, and the pairings break down as such: Mike and Alexandra, Jiana and Marvin (the message of which is, suck it Phil!), Jourdan and Chris, Nina and Phil, Cory and Renee, and Jeremy, Kanani and Don as a default threesome. Our old friend "The Cobra Snake" is the photographer, and feels right at home since he grew up in a trailer park.
During the shoot, Mike again has a hard time doing the elusive thing called "modeling" that is at the epicenter of this show, while Jeremy can't keep his squinty eyes open in the bright light. Marvin gets a boner (surprise), and Cory gets really condescending accolades for appearing manly. Nina appears to struggle during the shoot, but then the judges love her photo and she's one of the top scorers of the week. But it's Jourdan who is having the best week of all, and sweeps best photo as well as the challenge. Jeremy and Mike wind up in the bottom two, and though I thought Jeremy was a goner, it's Mike who is doomed back to a life of slinging Nutty Buddies by a mere one-tenth of a point.
The contestants return home to their luxury manor after last week's panel to find Mike's best-of-week photo displayed as digital art. Mike wasn't expecting such accolades to fall his way, largely because he's a terrible model. He says he's the kind of person who wants to do well in anything he does, which is how he because a server on an ice cream truck. Mike invites Jeremy to share in the Tyra Suite with him, because he's got de-virginizing on his mind. Jeremy tells us that he'd love to be a Guess model, but he's the new guy with no experience in the modeling world. Until he figures out his body and his face, he thinks his chances are low. Well, way to enact some positive visualization there, buddy.
Meanwhile, Jourdan tells us that she has no plan B if she doesn't win this competition. She has no job, and has been living with her boyfriend's parents, which is less than ideal. She wonders when she'll get a turn to shine. Poor Jordan: so pretty and dull. We then cut to Chris carrying Nina around. It turns out that she twisted her ankle during casting week. Boo hoo, you might think, until you see flashback footage of her prancing around in giant platform boots and wielding a hula hoop. That one is your own fault, my friend. It apparently hurts quite a bit, and also has the unfortunate side effect of giving her a wonky eye in her interviews. Nina tells us that modeling is her dream, and she dropped out of school and moved back in with her parents so she could be in this competition. And I mean, I can see how getting to humiliate yourself on television for a few months would be more appealing than prepping for a career in middle management.
Chris holds ice on Nina's ankle and tells us that they have a great friendship. Also, basically, she's the only person who is nice to him. And, side note, he's just holding an actual chunk of ice on her ankle. Not wrapped up in a towel or anything, just, like, a big chunk that he ripped from a glacier with his bare hands to soothe the joints of his true lady love. The producers don't give them a first aid kit or anything? As Chris recounts to Nina her ideal ankle stretching regimen, Mike walks in to give the group an urgent message. He says that everyone is going to get phone time the morning, but only about five minutes. Chris interjects with some comment related to the fact that it's five minutes, and Mike reflexively tells him to shut the fuck up. "Did he really just tell me to shut the fuck up?" asks Chris. Yes. Yes he did, and we all heard it.
Chris comes back at Mike, telling him never to tell him to shut the fuck up. He's a grown man, after all. Mike missed a beautiful opportunity to respond to this by saying, "Shut the fuck up." Sometimes simple is the most effective. Marvin confesses that everyone just saw some Chris and Mike action. He personally would not have made a scene but, he says, Chris is dramatic. And, I mean, it is pretty rude to tell someone to shut the fuck up, but everyone else's reaction to this incident tells me that Mike captured the sentiment of the house.
Chris walks in to Mike's room, saying that the two of them have never had a problem before. Not even with the cock-punching? He expects an apology. Mike tells us that everything about Chris is overly dramatic, and this incident doesn't need to be blown up into a whole big issue. He isn't planning on apologizing, because he would have told anybody to shut the fuck up in that moment. So, general rudeness as a defense? Chris tells us that this incident hearkens back to his childhood, in which his mom was very verbally abusive. The fact that Mike is brushing off the whole incident makes him feel like somebody insignificant. Chris then quite dramatically tells Mike that, as a man, he'll never look at him the same again after this display of disrespect. After he slams the door, Mike calls him a dramatic little fucker. And…credits!
When we return, Chris is sharing his upset about the incident with Jeremy and Cory, who has taken to wearing kicky head scarves. Cory tells him that every time someone says one off-color thing to him, it's like a bomb goes off. Chris interviews once again that his mother was verbally and physically abusive, and if he said something she didn't like she'd chuck her cell phone across the room at his head. So, Chris was raised by Naomi Campbell, then? His mom also up and moved on his eighteenth birthday, and he came home to "white walls" and a missing mother never to be found again. (Good news! She's on a show called The Face!). And not to discount Chris's childhood of abuse and neglect, but that particular narrative seems a little suspect to me. Did she also lock him in an attic for three years? Did other children cruelly call him a Muggle when he enrolled at Hogworts?
Cory tells Chris that if he wants to turn things around and have a functional relationship with others in the house, he's going to have to tell them why he acts the way he does. And so Chris calls a house meeting, which is very un-dramatic. He tells the others that he's come across the wrong way, but wants them to accept him. He also cops to creating drama. Nina tells us that she's been different for as long as she can remember. She sympathizes with Chris's plight, and adds that he looks to her as basically his only support.
Chris apologizes (and I quote: "I'm sorry to all of yous!"), acknowledges that he's rubbed some folks the wrong way, and says that he tends to offend people, because everything that's been said to him during his life has had a disrespectful tone. When people call him a fucking idiot or other mean things, it's hard for him, and he reacts. Jourdan relates to Chris, having been in an abusive relationship herself, and sees that he has a lot of scars. Chris asks the group to come up to him and tell him what he's doing wrong when he starts drama or is otherwise a pain in the ass, so he can grow as a person. I'm sure that will go over well. Just someone put the kid in therapy, please. Mike remains unimpressed, saying that being a grown-up is learning how to deal with things and if Chris doesn't have the proper coping mechanisms at this point, that's on him. The guy has a point. Chris would for sure be too high-maintenance for me, but I am also a "deal with your shit already" type of person. Cory's final word on the matter is for Chris to let go of all the bullshit that's happened in his past. Chris gets hugs, which I think is what he wanted all along.
The day, the contestants are driven to yet another fashion show. Johnny is there waiting, along with a lady DJ. Mike is already feeling self-conscious about having the worst walk in the world, and so is not excited about this particular challenge. Johnny brings out Marvin Scott Jarrett, the editor-in-chief of Nylon Magazine. MSJ has major creep-face as he tells the models how Nylon is always looking for what's cool. The winner of this runway challenge will get to display his or her personality on Nylon TV, which is a thing that exists, I'm guessing somewhere in the depths of the internet. Johnny then drops the twist (of the ankle!) when he demonstrates that smack in the middle of the runway there is a giant spinning disc. So, good luck with that. Don is worried that he'll get dizzy and stumble off the stage the wrong way, while Nina freaks out that she will actually break her entire foot and/or body.
Johnny is styling the show, and phrases like "splash of fun" are bandied about as he tries to match clothes with personalities. Cory gets put in what looks like an S&M straightjacket, and I'm not sure what that says about his personality. Johnny notes that Mike is the worst walker there, and his helpful advice to Mike is to do the opposite of whatever he normally does. Mike tells us that he's excited about his brand new career in modeling, which will last for approximately 40 minutes more.
Meanwhile, the show is about to start and Nina is freaking out that she's going to break her ankle. Johnny comes up and asks what the tears are about, and Nina tells him that with her sprained ankle it's hard for her to walk straight, much less on a spinning disc. Johnny notes that if Nina doesn't do the challenge she won't get any points, and it will look to the judges like she's not trying. And, ultimately, she could go home. After minutes of freaking out, Nina is approached again by Johnny who calmly suggests that the on-site medic wrap her ankle. And it totally goes with her outfit! Problem solved. Chris comforts Nina after the ankle-wrapping, calling her a gladiator princess stronger than Xena. I'm guessing she might be more of a Powerpuff Girls enthusiast.
Johnny introduces the designers for tonight's show -- Ashton Michael for the menswear, and Kimberley Gordon of the line "Wildfox" for the ladies. Johnny explains to Ashton that they need to make baby-Jeremy look a little manlier in this challenge, and Jeremy takes this moment to tell us about what a mama's boy he is. And really, I can't hate on anyone who loves their mom. This is the first time that Jeremy has left his house for an extended period of time, and quite paradoxically it's the experience that's making him a man.
DJ Caroline D'Amore welcomes the crowd, and the fashion show begins. Cory is out first in his mental institution outfit, and stumbles a bit when stepping on the turntable section of the runway, but quickly recovers. Jiana looks like she's going to bite it on the turntable, but also manages not to fall even though she lets out a little scream. Phil seems to be the first genius to employ the strategy of walking in the direction that the turntable is spinning, and Ashton notes that he's a strong walker. And then there's Nina. WILL SHE DIE? No, she's totally fine. (Except, apparently, when it comes to her runway reviews). Ashton calls her kooky while Kimberley says, "She was a little bit of a loose noodle." We then see her being weird and posing, and she might actually have been better off falling.
Jourdan tells us that runway is her thing, so she's not a bit nervous, even with the spinning turntable. She does stomp it out, and Kimberley and Ashton say that she looks uber-professional, and makes you want to buy clothes. There's not much more you can ask of a model. Renee plans to give Jourdan a run for her money, and gets accolades from Kimberley. Then there's Jeremy. He decides to get a little adventurous and unzip the vest he's wearing to show his bare manly muscles to the crowd. Marvin Scott Jarrett says that Jeremy seemed to be thinking less Nylon and more Zoolander. Ouch.
Ashton looks disturbed from beneath his handlebar mustache. And then there's Mike. He manages to look even more like a weirdo, walking like he's got Styrofoam packing peanuts in his shorts and doing a strange "give me more" thing with his fingers as he rotates on the spinning disc. Ashton wonders what he's doing, while all Kimberley can say is, "He's so cute!" That's the story of Mike's modeling career. Johnny says that Mike has potential, but he wasn't really modeling. Chris does a good job on the runway, and thinks that he's modeling will improve a lot now that people are being a little bit nicer to him.
With the show over and nobody's face broken (SIGH), the contestants get their critiques. MSJ tells Jeremy and Mike that they didn't look very comfortable on the runway. There were, however, four standouts -- Phil, Jourdan, Renee and Chris. Jourdan is named the ultimate winner, and gets to be on Nylon TV and keep her outfit from today. Sadly, she does not win a personality transplant.
Back at home, the actual challenge scores are listed, and Mike, Jeremy and Alex circle the bottom with sixes. Chris gives Nina a bear hug of congratulations for getting a seven. She tells us that they have the kind of relationship where they're like best friends who will one day marry each other. You've known each other for, like, three weeks. Calm down, kids! Meanwhile, Jourdan is thrilled that she got a new outfit, since her bank account is in the negatives, while Mike and Jeremy are a wee bit depressed about their standings and know they have to do well in the photo shoot.
Speaking of the photo shoot, the models are shuttled off to their location -- a trailer park. Today, says Johnny, they're mixing it up by combining redneck culture with the over-the-top glam of beauty pageants. Is that actually mixing it up, though? Not on Toddlers and Tiaras in any case. Johnny calls this "trailer park chic," or, "We find you ironically amusing in the pages of Vogue, white trash!" The models get to choose who they want to pose with, based on how well they did last week. Mike chooses Alexandra, while Jiana forgoes Phil and takes Marvin. So, a non-lovers' quarrel? Marvin reminds us that he wants to bone Jiana, just like he wants to bone everyone. Jourdan chooses Chris, much to Nina's chagrin. Jourdan's choice was based on the fact that Chris is a strong model, and also she wants to get to know him a little better. Nina goes with Phil and Cory chooses Renee, which leaves Jeremy, Kanani and Don to be a default threesome.
As the models get hair and makeup done, Marvin tells Phil that the trailer park wardrobe looks like it came from his closet. Phil takes it as a compliment. He also tells us that weaves hurt, but he loves his. Also, it suits the trailer park scenario quite nicely. Johnny introduces the photographer for the day, his good friend The Cobra Snake. I feel like we've met The Cobra Snake before, and he's a lot less interesting than his name would suggest. That's often the case, isn't it? Jiana tells us that she thought he was just a trailer park resident, which makes sense as The Cobra Snake tells them that he actually grew up in a trailer park. So, he feels right at home.
Kanani, Don and Jeremy are up first, and Johnny tells them to make this the chic-est trailer park barbeque in history. He then introduces "Sugar Pop Pop," a character inspired by Honey Boo Boo who will pose in many of the photos and sometimes provide Flixel motion. Sugar Pop Pop was, I think, a failed experiment since she gets very little further attention. The models for the most part ignore her as they try to embody sexy-trash. Kanani tells us that she grew up on the west side of Chicago, so the trailer park is a breeze. She gets praise from Johnny. Jeremy, meanwhile, is having a hard time keeping his naturally small, squinty eyes (his words!) open in the glare of the lighting. Johnny tells him to open his eyes at least twenty times, and at one point calls him "Squinty McSquinterstein." Jeremy is distressed. In further bad news, Johnny tells us that Jeremy has weird angles, and, I quote, "One turn and his body looks hideous, then back to normal and it's good." Hideous!
Mike and Alexandra are , and off the bat Johnny tells Mike that there's no need to snarl. His chest looks nice, though. Alex is no fan of Mike's, telling us that he's just coasting along while she's wanted to be a model for ages. She thinks he has no reason to be there. Johnny tells us that Mike got lost in the photo, and kept freezing in the same poses. He's not sure that Mike will make it all that far in the competition. He'll get plenty of poon in his life, though, so you can't feel too sorry for him.
Meanwhile, Jourdan and Chris are bonding over their backgrounds. Jourdan says that she always lived in apartments growing up, Chris interjects that because he had a single mom he lived in 38 places, and Jourdan responds that she moved every year. She thinks that connecting with Chris will help with their photo shoot, and indeed they look pretty great. Renee tells us for the thirty-eighth time that Jourdan annoys the hell out of her (because she's such a good model, I think). But Renee isn't going to let her take her spot, even with the blonde hair. She adds, "Bitch I'm bronze, and I love it," for good measure. Chris knows how good Jourdan is, and talks about stepping up his game to let the judges know how serious he is about this. Johnny thinks that Chris has good moments, but needs to work on being present and bringing chemistry with whoever he's working with.
Jiana and Marvin are , posing in a trailer doorway. Marvin picks her up, and tells us that it's hard for him to focus when he has a hand on Jiana's leg and, for the thirty-eighth time this hour, has a boner. Johnny says that Marvin had only one facial expression, and none of it felt real to him. Meanwhile, Cory butches up for the crowd, while Jeremy says that he looks like a man. Renee interjects, "He IS a man." I mean, Jesus. The Cobra Snake says that even though Cory has a feminine edge, he came across as strong and manly in his photo with Renee. Renee gets kudos for her great body. And then we get some stereotypical southern white trash theater from Phil, Marvin and Jiana. Charming!
Nina is not a fan, and is worried that Phil is going to mess up their shoot with his antics. She's not looking forward to working with him, which is a problem when they're supposed to have chemistry. Phil tells us his philosophy for the shoot, which is that he's not trying to bring Milan runway, he's bringing trailer park. He's an actor playing a role, and this one seems to be particularly well-suited to him. He lifts a weight, while Nina again complains about her ankle. Take an Advil already! The Cobra Snake says that Nina was cute, but a bit lost and awkward in the photo. Phil, however, seems to be doing great. The Cobra Snake even high-fives him. Nina acknowledges that she was worried about Phil, when in fact he seemed to do quite a bit better than her.
Back at the house, the dudes talk about the shoot and their chances for the week. Jeremy thinks that he and Mike will be at the bottom, while Mike acknowledges that he thought he got a few good shots in but you can never tell what will happen at panel. And he doesn't want to go back to scooping ice cream. Jeremy tries to gauge his exact level of squintiness with Don, and the verdict is, "pretty squinty."
With that, we're at panel. There are prizes, there are judges. Phil and Nina are up first for evaluation, and Kelly says that their photo is an example of when casting and clothing can come together to produce an amazing photo. She loves it. Rob also thinks that they're selling it, and Tyra says that there's something special about it -- she can see the high fashion element shining through the trailer park. Bryanboy reports that Nina is giving Jiana a run for her money in the social media category. Nina gets an 8 from Rob, 9 from Kelly, and 10 from Tyra. Kelly and Rob think that Phil was made for this picture, though Tyra wishes he had pushed more with his body. The fans at home are not so enthused, however, with one saying that he looks like a trailer park extra. Phil gets an 8 from Tyra and 9s from Kelly and Rob.
Jiana and Marvin get flak for holding hands as they walk to take their critique position, and Tyra asks Marvin if he has a crush on Jiana. He admits that he does, and gets jealous when he sees her with Phil. This gets an "Oooooooh!" from the peanut gallery. Tyra loves Marvin's sculpted cheeks in his photo, but wishes that he would have done something with his mouth. Kelly loves his ripped body, but Rob says that he hasn't shown much variety in his face. Marvin gets 9s from Tyra and Kelly and a 7 from Rob. Rob does like the way that Jiana worked her body, and Tyra and Kelly both agree she looks beautiful but lost her neck. And Jiana is a social media favorite yet again. She gets a 7 from Rob, 8 from Tyra and 9 from Kelly.
Then there's Cory and Renee. Kelly says that Cory is very "dude" in the photo, and Rob is proud of Cory for pulling off being a dude -- he'd believe that he IS a dude if he didn't know better. Tyra has to point out that Cory is, in fact, a dude. What he's pulling off is straight dude. Rob says that Cory looks like a man, and Tyra yells at him again. She says that Cory looks straight in the photo, but lost his model a bit. Cory gets 8s from Tyra and Kelly and a 9 from Rob who is still oddly proud of him. Kelly is scared by Renee's photos, because she's stunning and elegant in person but photos a little lowbrow. Rob says that her body has sex appeal, but her face doesn't. Tyra thinks that Renee has dead eyes and a short-looking neck in her photo and it's everything that Renee isn't in person. Bryanboy agrees, adding that Renee isn't registering with fans. She gets 7s across the board from the judges.
Mike and Alexandra are . Kelly thinks that Mike takes a good picture, even though she's still haunted by his walk. She likes his picture with Alexandra. Rob doesn't, however, and wonders if Mike just got lucky last week. Tyra thinks that it's an interesting and different pose, but his face and neck and shoulders aren't carrying it enough. One fan says that her eyes should be going to Mike's face, but instead they go immediately to his crotch. Is that a good or bad thing? Mike gets 8s from Tyra and Kelly and a 6 from Rob. Alexandra doesn't fare much better. Her body doesn't look model-esque to Kelly, and Tyra says that her front-facing fanny sack (known as a fanny pack to those of us not in the fashion world) is messing up her lines. Her social media scores are consistently good, though. Alexandra gets a 7 from Tyra and 8s from Rob and Tyra, who thinks the face close-up is stunning.
Then there's Jourdan and Chris. Jourdan's body is amazing, and she's learning how to work it, says Rob. Kelly thinks it's a little stiff and would like more fun in the shot. Tyra says that Jourdan is serving it, but she doesn't see the story in the photo. Social media still likes Jourdan, and one British fan thinks she looks like a princess supermodel. Jourdan gets an 8 from Kelly, 9 from Tyra, and 10 from Rob. Kelly loves Chris, and Rob thinks he's looking more and more like a top working model. Tyra's only complaint is that Chris needs to learn to find his light, and suggests that he cheat forward to steal some of Jourdan's angelic glow. Chris gets 8s from Kelly and Tyra and a 9 from Rob.
Finally there's Kanani, Jeremy and Don. Rob likes Kanani's photo from the head up, but says that she looks small. Kelly agrees, saying that her body makes it look like she might be the pretty girl at the trailer park but not a supermodel. Tyra disagrees, saying that she likes everything about the photo. And so does social media, who have given her score a bump. Kanani gets a 6 from Kelly, 8 from Rob, and 9 from Tyra. Don has a bad boy image and all the tats, but Rob says he needs to buff up. Tyra, however, thinks that his thinner, lean look works with the trailer park narrative. Malnourished auto mechanic chic! And Don's social media score leaped. He gets 8s from Kelly and Rob and a 9 from Tyra. Poor Jeremy has duck lips, and the light isn't doing his abs any justice. Tyra thinks a quarter turn to his left would have highlighted his muscles nicely. Kelly thinks he looks like a dopey electrician. And then there are two shirtless mock-rednecks who provide video fan commentary, much to Jeremy's chagrin. Jeremy gets 7s from Tyra and Kelly and a 6 from Rob.
The scores are tabulated, and Jourdan gets the best photo of the week. She has an 8.1 fan score, and a total of 45.1. Nina is with a fan vote of 8.5 and total of 42. 5. Then there's Phil, with a fan vote of only 6.5 but a total of 41.5. Don is called with a fan vote of 7.7 and a total of 40.7, followed by Chris with a fan vote of 6.6 and a total of 40.6. called is Marvin, with a fan vote of 7.1 and total of 40.1., followed by Jiana with a whopping fan vote of 9 and a total of 40. Cory is with a fan vote of 6.1 and a total of 38.1, then Kanani with a fan vote of 7.7 and a total of 37.7.
Jeremy, Mike, Renee and Alex remain. Alex is called, with a high fan vote of 8 and a total of 37.0. is Renee, with a low fan vote of 5.7 and a total of 35.7. This leaves Jeremy and Mike in the bottom two. One of them is a virgin, and one scoops ice cream and tells people to shut the fuck up. They are the youngest and oldest in the competition. Jeremy has a great body, but doesn't know what to do with it. Mike was discovered by Tyra, whose scouting talents maybe are not all that great. And then, shocker, it's actually Mike who is eliminated, by one-tenth of a point. He got a fan vote of 5.1 and a total of 33.10, while Jeremy had a fan vote of 7.2 and a total of 33.20.
Tyra tells Mike that she didn't send him home -- the fans did. So now he has to work as hard as he can to get voted back in and prove to the world that Tyra knew what the hell she was talking about when she discovered the ice cream guy. Mike says that he's going to keep working hard and then gives Tyra a hug. He has no regrets, and says that Tyra Banks completely changed his life by believing in him and taking a risk on his behalf. He appreciates the opportunity, and knows that he can't slip up at all if he's going to get back in the competition. And now he can get as drunk as he wants without cameras in his face! Yay!
week: Renee and Jourdan go at it, and there's a cross-dressing make-out photo shoot in which Jeremy maybe slips Jourdan some tongue.
Potes is somebody significant. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.