We begin the episode with a lesson in how smart Victoria was for not choosing anyone to share the Tyra Suite with her as house president Laura chooses Kristin, thus offending her supposed friend Leila. There is some talk that Leila is obsessed with Laura, and some talk that Laura is a fink for choosing anyone with as much innate stankitude as Kristin to share in a quality prize.
Alicia Keys visits the house along with Tyra, to announce that the models will walk in a show for her charity "Keep a Child Alive." Is that the most literally titled charity you've ever heard of or what? As house president, Laura is responsible for "assigning all responsibilities." I'm never really clear on what this means, other than Kelly Cutrone gets to yell at her a lot for not being a suitable leader. Clothes for the show have been donated by Mara Hoffman, and will be bid upon by audience members. The girl whose outfit sells for the most money wins the challenge. This seems inherently unfair, as I suspect that the quality of the model's walk will be less of a factor than how great the clothes are. Poor Leila suffers from the inability to move her arms as she walks, and Tyra goes so far as to yell at her from the audience when she is on the runway. Other than that, there is really no controversy - no one falls or gets clocked by a giant swinging pendulum or anything. It's like this show isn't even trying anymore. Victoria, Laura and Kiara wind up in the top three, with Kiara taking the ultimate prize -- the opportunity to be a special guest at one of Alicia's shows. She picks Nastasia to share in the prize, and nobody accuses either one of being obsessed with anything.
And speaking of obsession, just as Kristin and Laura are talking shit about Leila, Kiara is telling Leila about the aforementioned shit talking. Eventually Leila confronts Laura about the obsession accusation, in front of just about everyone, and then tells Laura that she actually appears to be obsessed with herself. This hits a nerve with Laura, who has apparently been accused of self-obsession since her high school days. She cries about being stereotyped as a stuck-up rich girl, and meanwhile Kristin belches and Victoria does calisthenics. Just another day in the Top Model house!
The week's photo shoot has the girls posing as cheerleaders, and striking a pose while being thrown up in the air. Jonte, the new Miss J., is there for apparently no reason at all. Kristin was of course a cheerleader, so hits the poses with no problem, though Tyra doesn't think she looks like a model. There are a lot of gnarly faces, and in other tragic news Allyssa hits one of the male cheerleaders in the head and makes him bleed and Laura cries and cries because she is afraid of heights. Just be lucky that you don't have to do a shoot on a million story building in the middle of a hurricane! You're only like six feet in the air! In the end, Nastasia has the highest scores for the week, and Leila and Brittany land in the bottom two. Though it seems absolutely crazy, it is Leila who is eliminated by a mere half point. You know it's bad when even Bryanboy sheds a tear!
Previously: Social media, blah blah blah. Are you drunk with power yet, America??????
We enter with the girls returning home to find Laura's best-of-week photo displayed as digital art. Laura tells us that she was nervous coming into the competition, because she's never been an up-and-down flat board size zero of a girl. She's here representing the healthy-bodied ladies, she says. Wow, what a role model! It's so BRAVE to be a size TWO! Laura starts rambling on about something, but I am too distracted by the fact that Nastasia seems to be frying spaghetti to pay attention to what she's saying. What IS that delicious concoction she is making? Whatever it is, I want some.
I am snapped out of my visual food coma by Leila saying that nothing has ever come easy to her, starting from the time when she was a tall, lanky, gap-toothed youth. Leila knows that Laura comes from a good household, and is envious of her. This statement is followed by an obviously stitched on clip of Leila saying that she loves Laura and that the two of them get along really well. We flash back to Leila sharing the Tyra Suite with Laura when it was her best photo week. Apparently they had discussed Laura choosing Leila to share in the spoils were she also to get best photo. Cut to one of the bedrooms, where Kristin asks Laura if she's dropped the bomb that it is not Leila but Kristin who will get to share in the glory of the Tyra Suite. Laura is afraid that this announcement is going to cause drama, and Kristin theorizes that that's because Leila is obsessed with her. Laura cackles that Leila even wrote her a note on the bus about why she should be picked for Tyra Suite shenanigans, and Allyssa is in shock. Poor Leila! I fear that Kristin might eventually dump a bucket of pig's blood on her head and shit will get REAL.
As the girls eat dinner, Laura announces that she has chosen Kristin to share the Tyra Suite, and tells Leila not to get mad. Leila rolls her eyes in response, which I think is appropriate. Laura then calls her out for said eye-rolling, which only adds to the obsession narrative. Leila claims that she's not mad about not being picked for the Tyra Suite. Rather, she's mad that Kristin was picked. And really, even though I do occasionally enjoy Kristin's stankitude, if there was ever doubt that Laura was a mean girl I think you could make a strong case based on the company that she keeps. And as for Leila, why be obsessed with a jerk? Go be obsessed with Victoria instead, like I am!
After credits, we immediately get to the real action as Tyra enters the house with Miss Alicia Keys in tow. The girls are allegedly woken up by this entrance, and some of them actually start to cry. I feel like if Joni Mitchell walked into the room they wouldn't even bother to get up. They'd just kind of go, "...Huh?" and roll over. Anyway, Kiara tells Alicia that the two of them have very similar voices and sings a few bars for her. She actually has a pretty good voice! I mean, Alicia doesn't ask her to be a duet partner or anything, but she also doesn't visibly mock her. I'd consider that a win.
So, Alicia Keys has a charity called "Keep a Child Alive," which is the most literally named organization I've ever heard of. It's like if Amazon.com was called "We Send You Stuff You Want, Via the Internets." But the charity provides medicine to children and families with AIDS who otherwise couldn't afford it, which is some good work. The girls will be doing a fashion show to benefit the charity. And to quote Victoria, "We're doing this charity walk to literally keep children alive." LITERALLY? Like, if someone gets knocked over by a giant swinging pendulum there's a kid at the end of the runway who will just kick it? I mean, that's actually the kind of high-pressure situation that would make for some pretty good TV. Whatever, I love kids! I'm just saying! To warm up for the fashion show, the girls do an impromptu in-house runway walk exercise inspired by the titles of some of Alicia's songs. It's pretty dumb, but we learn a few key things: 1) Leila doesn't care if stupid self-centered Laura is her stupid friend or stupid not; 2) Leila's runway walk kind of stinks; 3) Kristin relishes the fact that Leila's runway walk kind of stinks.
At the end of this anti-climactic madness, Tyra tells the models that they'll be in charge of everything at the show -- their hair, makeup, and styling. In other words, "This show has become so low-budget that we can't afford to hire reputable professionals. Good luck!" Since Laura is the president of the house, she has "super control" and will be assigning all of the responsibilities at the show. The clothes for the show are being provided by Mara Hoffman, and will be bid upon. The girl whose outfit brings in the highest bid will win the challenge. Well, what if some of the girls just get ugly-ass frocks? Their stupid fault, I guess, for having such bad luck. The winner of the challenge will get to be a special guest at one of Alicia's shows, which is pretty great, and also a way to promote her new album, "Girl on Fire." Another way to promote that album is to make the title the overarching theme for the runway show, which Alicia also does. What if they literally set Victoria on fire? I think that would be really effective marketing! For every model who is set on fire, one child is kept alive! Buy these logo matches!
In the bus en route to the runway venue, the girls talk a bit about hairstyles. Brittany tells us that there were so many opinions flying around that it all got a bit chaotic. Once at the venue, they meet up with Johnny and Kelly Cutrone, who of course instantly starts chewing out Laura for being such a poor leader. Leila enjoys this immensely, even though she claims to feel bad. She reconciles these conflicting emotions by reminding us that it's a competition and so nobody is really a friend to everybody else. Just set your roommate on fire for charity and get on with it! The girls accessorize themselves with some help from Nine West and Johnny, and Kelly then introduces Mara Hoffman, who is also her longtime client. Mara says that she wants to see strength and beauty in their walks, and not too much blatant sex appeal. With so many witch hats abounding, I don't think that will be a problem. Laura eventually makes some actually decisive decisions about makeup, which pleases Kelly greatly. What will not please Kelly greatly is if these girls (on fire) embarrass the client that she's worked with for ten years. Well, if that's the way you feel, you never should have signed on for this show!
With that, it is time for the runway show to begin. Tyra and Alicia kick it off with an introduction and a plea to the audience to buy some dresses to keep a child alive, LITERALLY. Kristin walks the runway first, and Kelly thinks that, miracle of miracles, she looks like a real model. We then cut to a teary Leila interviewing that Kristin is a bad, ugly person on the inside and doesn't deserve to be in this competition. I actually think that makes her extra deserving, in this particular case! Poor Leila, learning about all the hard knocks. Victoria is to walk, and looks like she should be riding a broom down the runway. Eglantine, Eglantine, oh how you shine! Allyssa walks , and Victoria has some rather critical comments about her cheery countenance. Brittany rubs a guy's head, for what reason I do not know. Flair, perhaps. And then it's Leila's turn. In the first place, she got stuck with the worst outfit. In the second place, as soon as she passes Tyra, Tyra starts yelling at her to move her arms. That can't be good! The other girls walk pretty uneventfully, and then the whole shebang is over. Allyssa is happy to be combining modeling with charity work, since the need for charity is something they can all relate to.
Backstage after the show, Tyra tells the girls that they raised a good amount of money for Keep a Child Alive. She doesn't specify how much, though, which makes me think it was actually rather paltry. There are three girls who stood out: Victoria, Laura, and Kiara. And the one who raised the most money is...Kiara! Now she can go sing that duet onstage with Alicia! Tyra says that Kiara's victory was a landslide, and Alicia tells her that she had a beautiful fire on the runway. This is the second challenge victory in a row for Kiara, and she invites the other ladies to go ahead and hate her. Newsflash, they already do! Except for possibly Nastasia, who is chosen to share in Kiara's prize.
Back at the house, the challenge scores are posted. While Kiara got a 10 and Laura and Victoria each got 9s, Allyssa is the lowest with a 5. Yvonne and Leila weren't so hot either, each getting 6s. We get no explanation of the critical methods used in translating the amount of money bid to a scale of 1 to 10 score. I'm sure it was all very scientific, though. Leila isn't thrilled about her performance, but hopes that her great photos and consistently high scores on social media will pull her through.
In the Tyra Suite, Laura and Kristin are harping on about how upset Leila was at not being chosen to share in the spoils of Laura's victory. Kristin then says that Leila acts like she's Laura's first child, adding, "Who's Leila?" Meanwhile, can I tell you that Kristin is sleeping on a mattress dragged onto the floor? The Tyra Suite is so glamorous that it doesn't even have a second bed! Laura confessionalizes that she's not here to hold Leila's hand and bring her to the Tyra Suite. AND -- wait for it -- she's not here to make friends! Back in a different bedroom, Leila is telling Kiara that Laura is really sketchy to have chosen Kristin. And really, I think the whole point of this is to show that Victoria is in fact the wisest of them all for going solo in the Tyra Suite last week. Maybe I have to rethink the virtues of home schooling. Kiara in turn says that Kristin and Laura are sitting in the Suite talking about how obsessed Leila is with Laura. Remember that Calvin Klein ad where Kate Moss just wandered around looking sickly and saying "Obsession" over and over? That's pretty much this episode, with worse smells.
Laura then walks in, and after a brief moment of sticking her tongue out to the camera, Leila asks Laura directly about the obsession situation. As Laura hems and haws about the fact that she's never herself directly said that Leila has an obsession issue (though she sure has enjoyed it when others said it!), Leila tells Laura how she really feels: that Laura is obsessed with herself. Laura acts all shocked that Leila had it inside her to say such a mean thing, when she herself has been cackling and eye-rolling about Leila this whole time. As a crowd gathers, Leila starts going on about how weird it is that everyone thinks she's obsessed with another GIRL, and how upsetting it is that she's being alienated. She is? I mean, calm down everyone. But there is no calming down to be had and Laura, probably because she's so self-obsessed and needed to find a way to get the attention back on herself, starts to cry. She says that it's just like high school and she feels attacked. Meanwhile, I shit you not, Victoria is doing stretches on the bed while she reads a book. Whilst wearing zebra print leggings. God, I love her. Oops, but then there her zebra legs are directly behind Laura. Whether Victoria's special brand of magic is cobbled together by editors or not, I still love her.
But back to fucking Laura. Apparently, people in high school used to tell her that she was obsessed with herself. Well, there is one notable common denominator here. Laura says that people thought she was a rich, stuck-up girl because her parents were in the entertainment industry, and picked on her just because she was different, and because they could. Wow, the dangers of being a small town girl! And here I thought Mayberry was such a nice place to grow up! you'll tell me that there's a meth problem and I will be equally shocked! Oh God, and then Leila and Laura are both getting emotional and crying. Can't Tyra invest in some Feliway or something?
The girls head out to West L.A. College where Johnny and the New Miss J. known as Jonte await them. Not to be outdone by his predecessor, Jonte is wearing a smiley face muumuu and riding hat. Photographer Sarah Silver is also on hand. For this shoot, the girls will be channeling sassy fashion cheerleaders with a top model spin. This entails being thrown up in the air, as demonstrated by Jonte. Sashay, Jonte, Jonte, Jonte, Jonte. Laura tells us that she's afraid of heights. Does this count as heights? As the girls get hair and makeup done, Kristin tells Johnny that she cheered for six years. I mean, of course she did. She knows that this is an advantage, since she can relax about the being thrown up in the air part and focus on modeling. Rob Evans shows up, because there's nothing that he loves more than upskirt views.
Kiara is up first, and even though she's a basketball player she gives respect to those who cheer. What about those who were on drill team with the band and wielded pompoms without any athletic prowess whatsoever? For they are my people. Kiara seems to do an okay job. Her athleticism helps with the cheering part, but then there's the face to contend with, so I'd say it's a toss-up. Literally! (You know when I resort to puns in a recap that it's been a long week.) Yvonne is up . There is a LOT of blurring of her crotch, and on her first unwieldy toss-up the guys kiiiiind of don't catch her. It must be difficult to be the fiercely real in that particular situation. Eventually Yvonne's technique gets a bit better and it seems like she gets a decent shot.
Allyssa is , and is nervous due to her low challenge scores. She doesn't look particularly graceful up in the air, but you can never tell with these things. Meanwhile, Rob talks about how high they're throwing the girls up, and Laura gets even more nervous. On her last shot, Allyssa manages to hit one of the male cheerleaders in the head and causes an actual bloody flesh wound. I don't know how much these guys are getting paid, but I trust that it's not enough.
With that, it's Laura's turn. She is, of course, freaking out and crying and all the things of that nature. She totally knocks down one of the male cheerleaders after her first throw. Johnny tells her that the men are not going to let her fall, even though we've just seen that that's not true. Laura's fear shows through in her photo, and even Victoria thinks that she's a big ol' giant baby for crying on the shoot. Laura is proud that she was able to push through her fear and hopes that she managed to get a good shot out of it. Kristin is , and does look pretty phenomenal with the cheerleading part. Leila is irritated by how well she's doing, and says that if she gets the week's best photo is because she's a good cheerleader, not a good model. And speaking of Leila, she develops a severe problem with duck lips during this shoot. She tries and tries not to give duck face, but can't seem to help it.
Victoria is , and per usual is a gangly delight. I'm sure her calisthenics prepared her both for the shoot and the copious blurring of her lady bits. Nastasia is lovely and graceful and athletic, and Johnny tells us that she was going the highest, striking the strongest poses, and in it to win it. Finally, we have Brittany. She looks okay in the air, but Johnny tells her that they don't have any good shots. He believes that she overthought it, and gave too much cheerleader and not enough model. After the shoot wraps, Bryanboy shows up to be like social media, yadda yadda yadda.
Back at the house, the girls talk about who did well and who didn't. It is widely noted that Leila didn't have such a hot shoot, and she had a poor showing in the challenge. Laura tells us that Leila should not be America's Top Model, because her walk is super crapola. She deserves this more than Leila does, she tells us. Given the curse that often accompanies the winner of this show, I would actually believe that to be true.
With that, it's time for panel. The photo of Rob and Tyra that is shown to lead is in does not involve Tyra being thrown up and/or landing in a vat of barbeque sauce. And wow, it's been a while since I've made a Tyra/ribs joke! How have you been, old friend? There are prizes, there are judges. I kind of miss the guest judges. I mean, mostly they were useless, but at least you got to see what Beverly Johnson was up to and that kind of stuff. And remember the challenges they used to do at judging? They may have seemed stupid at the time, but without them we never would have known the wonder that was Yaya spitting out umeboshi.
Victoria is up first for evaluation. It should be noted that all of the girls have their hair slicked back, and Tyra says this makes Victoria look cute and bird-like. She doesn't mention the giant feather earrings that also may add to this effect. As for Victoria's photo, Kelly does not like her body position and says that she looks like a middle aged man about to take a nap on a new bed. Now, that comment was not up to snuff. If we were back in the Janice Dickinson days that comment would have been, "You look like a homeless amputee about to pass out on a park bench after I blew him." Wow, I am so nostalgic right now! Rob likes the picture and generally enjoys Victoria. Tyra is also a fan, particularly because the photo is not too cheerleader-esque in nature. There's at least one positive online video by a crazy person, so that is in Victoria's favor too. In the end she gets a 6 from Kelly and 8s from Tyra and Rob.
Leila is , and Rob tells her that she looks very in control of the situation and has good body position. However, with her face, he's afraid that she'll be characterized as a one-dimensional model. Top Model fan Jesus says that he loves everything about the picture except for the face, which could have been controlled more. And he made that face so he knows what it's capable of. Kelly thinks that Leila totally looks like a model standing in front of her, but in the photo it looks like she's been bitten in the eye by a mosquito at a drag queen slumber party. If there was ever a fabulous place to get EEE, that would be it. Tyra says that Leila put all of her tension into her neck instead of into her booty, where all tension should go. And though Leila is popular online, Bryanboy personally feels that she needs to step it up. When did he get permission to start sharing his own opinions? I don't like it. Leila gets a 4 from Kelly, a 6 from Tyra and a 7 from Rob.
Then there's Kiara. Kelly likes her body position but says that the face is awkward. Tyra disagrees, and thinks that Kiara's face is luminescent. For his part, Rob doesn't like the fact that she is just standing on her male cheerleaders and not being tossed up in the air. He says that there's nothing sadder than seeing a beautiful bird that can't fly. Social media still seems meh about her. Overall, though, Kiara gets good scores - 8s from Kelly and Tyra and a 7 from Rob. we have Kristin. Rob thinks that her shot is crazy, and it is true that her body position is fantastic. Kelly says that Kristin is really cool and glamorous, and she loves her eyes and how her feet are pointed. Though Tyra thinks the photo is gorgeous, she sees a cheerleader and not a model. Kelly strongly disagrees, and then the two just start slapping each other all willy nilly. No, of course they actually don't, but if they DID I think it would be great for ratings. And people on the Internet love Kristin, per usual. Kelly gives Kristin a 9, Rob gives her a 10, and Tyra gives her a 6.
Then there's Brittany. Kelly basically does not like anything about the shot. When she first saw Brittany, she says, she thought she'd make it to the end of the competition. Now she's not so sure. In contrast, Rob initially thought that Brittany was too sweet for the fashion industry and would be gone within the first week. But she's impressed him every week, and he thinks she can make it all the way. Kelly butts into tell Brittany that she's not an edgy model and shouldn't listen to Rob. Brittany just stands there with an awkward grimace, per usual. Tyra asks Brittany how she's feeling, which is always a mistake. Brittany says that she came into this competition as a Disney girl, which is a huge part of her. What the eff does that even mean? She cries as she says she wants to show other sides. In an equally nonsensical statement, Tyra tells Brittany that she can be fierce Disney, sexy Disney, sweet Disney. How about just trying to be an adult human? Brittany gets 6s across the board.
Nastasia is , doing a partial split in the air while sporting a very fierce face. Rob says it's as if she's cheering at a game and sees her boyfriend in the crowd cheating on her. Kelly loves it, even though her face is a tiny bit too fierce. Tyra thinks it's a powerful, fierce shot that gives good "Bam!" Nastasia gets a 9 from Kelly, a 10 from Rob, and an 8 from Tyra (with two points deducted for being neckless). Then there's Yvonne. Rob thinks that she nailed it, and Kelly says that she has more control of her body and a smoking hot face. Tyra notes that Yvonne can be a head to toe model but also sell beauty because her face is so beautiful. The fans are apparently enjoying her too. Yvonne gets 9s from Rob and Tyra and a 7 from Kelly.
we have Allyssa. Kelly says that the photo is very show pony carnival gone bad. Tyra likes it, though, and says that she sees cheerleader, model and sexy woman all at once in the photo. Rob is concerned that Allyssa looks shorter than she is in the photo. Bryanboy reports that Allyssa is sort of middle-of-the-road with fans. She gets 6s from Kelly and Rob and an 8 from Tyra. And then there's Laura. Rob says that the photo looks like a little girl got angry and threw her Barbie doll up in the air. Kelly thinks that there's something scary about the picture in an intergalactic Nutcracker sort of way. But if there's one person who likes disturbing, it's Kelly Cutrone. Tyra says that the photo is weird and odd and could be in Nylon. Rob asks how Laura did with the shoot, and Laura confesses that she is scared of heights. When Tyra asks what in particular she feared, Laura just says, "My head," and points to her noggin and starts crying. I think she was literally afraid that her head would smash open on the ground and brains would splatter everywhere. Tyra asks if it's a fear of heights or a fear of being tossed up and out of control. And THEN Laura says that even when she's hiking she has to sit down because she's afraid that a big gust of wind will blow her off the mountain. No, she really just said that. Can they please have a windy hiking on a mountain shoot sometime soon? Laura gets 9s from Kelly and Tyra and a 6 from Rob.
Nine beautiful girls stand before Tyra, but she only has eight photos in her hands. And these photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. The scores have been added up, and best photo of the week goes to Nastasia. She has a total score of 40.9, and a fan vote of 5.85. Now she can engage in Tyra Suite drama, too! Laura is called . She has a total score of 38.7 and a fan vote of 5.69. Then there's Kristin, with a total score of 38.1 and a fan vote of 6.1. Back on top with the people of America! Kiara has a total score of 37.3 and a fan vote of 4.3. Her challenge wins are really pulling her through, aren't they? Victoria is called , with a total score of 36.5 and a fan vote of 5.5. Yvonne is just slightly behind her, with a total score of 36.4 and a fan vote of 5.37. Allyssa is called , with a total score of 30.8 and a fan vote of 5.76.
This of course leaves Brittany and Leila in the bottom two. Brittany came into the competition with a clear, adorable brand, but her existence in the competition is confusing. Who IS she? What does she STAND for? Is she actually a CARTOON? If so, why is her NOSE like that? And then there's Leila, who has a strong edgy face and knows how to work her body in a photo. This week, however, her photo was less than stellar. The judges also saw her poor showing in the challenge and wondered if she's a model who can only exist in a photo. Leila shakes her head no, but to no avail. She clearly thinks she's staying, and tearful Brittany thinks she's headed out the door. But nay! The scores appear, and we see that Brittany has a fan vote of 4.49 and a total score of 29.5, while Leila has a fan vote of 6.0 and a total score of 29. Mostly, we have Kelly Cutrone's super-low score of 4 to blame for sending Leila home.
Leila's mouth hangs open as Tyra nonsensically tells Brittany that sometimes our passion is who we should be, and it is so amazing to get up in the morning and know that our passion is what our job is. Does this mean that Brittany finally gets to be a cartoon character? Are there animated birds waiting to take her through a secret passageway? Leila really starts crying, and Tyra says that this elimination is a shock to her. Bryanboy is extra sad, saying that Leila was his favorite girl. He actually has to wipe away a tear! I am so surprised that he has fluids in his body. Though Leila's world has collapsed a little bit, Tyra reminds her that she's going to do every single photo shoot. Since she has high social media scores, she actually stands a chance of coming back. Leila tells us that she worked so hard and talked such a big game and felt so good about herself. Being eliminated so early makes her feel like she disappointed everyone. I guess this is the dark side of having self-confidence! Leila hopes that her fans stay behind her and allow her to come back. If she can ever stop crying long enough to take another photo, I think she's got a shot!
week: the girls bring a video game to life! Also, Yvonne is a bitch to Bryanboy.
Oh behalf of the biggest little state in the union, Potes is sad to see Leila go. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.