Ghost Brides: Asylum

S19E02

First, let me just say: You guys, I don't even know anymore. If it was Tyra Banks's end-of-season goal to make us feel like we'd entered some sort of altered reality -- a really, really, really dumb one -- then mission accomplished. So, the whole episode is kind of told via flashback (to things that happened mere hours before the runway show), but the actual content of the episode is very similar to finales past. The three finalists have a shoot with Nine West, a company that happens to be a client of Kelly Cutrone. As such, Kelly is very, very, VERY involved with the shoot, and gets a little too up in the photographic grille of Jez Smith. They have quite a mutual smackdown, with Kelly micromanaging, and Jez snittily asking her if she'd like to take the photos herself, and each accusing the other of being rude, and both being right (and wrong!). Producers get involved, and eventually it is determined that Kelly is the boss in this particular situation, and from then on Jez shuts it. All of this fighting happens while Laura is having her photograph taken, and she feels that she has gotten shortchanged and cries about it a whole bunch.

There is also a photo shoot for Nylon, in which Leila flashes her crotch and is deemed the most Nylon-esque of all the girls. During the shoot, the girls are surprised by visits from their families. And yes, this includes Laura's soap opera actor dad and rather desperate, scene-stealing mother. Leila's mom is totally mellow, while Kiara's grandma is completely adorable even while being a huge fan of Tyra Banks.

And then there is the runway show. Sooooooo, it all happens in Rose Hall, which is an allegedly haunted mansion whose "mistress of the house murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own." (Note: in the actual legend, this crazy lady slept with and murdered slaves, which makes this whole scenario even more fucked up than it was to begin with. Also: voodoo.) There is a really priceless short film to introduce the runway show, involving Tyra as narrator and Rob as a hot guy and last cycle's winner Sophie as the ghost who kills all the other models and makes them ghosts too, or maybe zombies, just to get in the pants of Rob. And then we find out who Bloodyface is. (Tyra, obvs.) And then Tyra makes the fashion show audience put on scary masks and utters the words, "Now their spirit bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes." Subsequently, I heard a popping sound in my brain, which was probably some sort of spontaneous lobotomy.

The fashion show features the models in really over the top Gaga-esque ghost brides couture. Some of the gowns have a collar that basically covers half of your face -- I call them "face collars," which is really catchy I know -- and you know that trouble is a-comin'. The season's eliminated models march in the show (minus Victoria! ALAS!), but the real star is Leila, who falls not once (immediately upon setting foot on the stairway leading to the runway) but twice (immediately upon exiting the runway) due to not being able to see anything over her face collar. Her legs splay out just like a little baby dear. She manages not to fall on her second pass, thanks to the technique of walking reeeeeallllllly slow. Kiara is bar none the best walker and even rocks it with the face collar, while Laura is more or less fine.

At panel, the judges give Kiara the highest praise for the runway show, while Leila has the edge on the Nine West photo and is the favorite of Nylon. And yet it's Laura who wins the whole thing! The judges give each girl a numerical score for their performance over the entire season, which is added to their average challenge score and average fan vote. Laura's 41.2 handily beats Kiara (36.6) and Leila (35.2) and there are tears galore. And just when you think that Tyra is going to tell Kiara that, even though she came in second, she can have the scholarship money she earned during her challenge victories... she totally doesn't. That's SO Tyra!

It's the Top Model finale! And as it turns out, Tyra has been watching a lot of American Horror Story while also feeling "Ghost Brides" nostalgia. I mean, who isn't, really. But we'll get to all of that in a minute. First it's time to ask the obligatory question, "Who will become America's Top Horror Story?" Will it be Leila, the gap-toothed wonder who made the first ever Top Model comeback thanks to her high-fashion, fan-impressing look? Or will it be Laura, the "curvy" blonde bombshell trying to step out of the shadow of her marginally notable parents? Laura tells us that strong is the new sexy, and strong is the new skinny. I love how they make it out like she's some kind of genre-busting hoss. This is a very skinny girl! And body-wise, I can't believe she's "stronger" than Kiara, the sultry athlete with the hardscrabble past who is a real-ass bitch and probably the most interesting of these three all-around. Note that I didn't say the best model. These three will get to duke it out on the grounds of a haunted Jamaican mansion, for what is billed as a "terrifying runway finale like you've never seen before." Well, the terrifying part is true at least.

And oh my God, you guys. We start out with Tyra Banks addressing the camera directly in some sort of bejeweled bodysuit with an Elizabethan collar, and talking in a manner in which I suppose she believes ghosts talk. Seriously, what is up with her voice? The accent is vaguely that of a 1930s newsreel (but ghostlier), and her enunciation trumps even that of the typically over-enunciated "towards" in each week's elimination ceremony. I ask you this, seriously: What is wrong with her? We can also see her glancing to the cue cards at her right, which takes away a bit of the gravitas. Anyway, the story of Rose Hall Mansion: "the most famous...yet infamous...house in all of Jamaica." Legend has it, according to Tyra, that long ago the mistress of the house murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own. We see a flash of "pot ledom" written in red on a mirror, which I have to say is a nice touch. The real legend of Rose Hall is a bit more detailed and sinister, and worth a read on Wikipedia. Note that this lady was called the "White Witch," for obvious reasons. The legend involves voodoo, slaves, and ghost murders. And the White Witch herself only stood 4'8" tall, meaning she wouldn't have even had a chance on the short cycle! No wonder she was so murderous. Tyra instructs us to stay tuned for a creepy America's Top Model finale, as if this show is ever not creepy.

Tyra then flashes us back to the finalists' Nine West shoot in Falmouth, Jamaica. Kelly is there with Johnny, and says that Nine West happens to be one of her most important clients. She tells them not to fuck it up, which sounds awfully familiar, and some postmodern thing happens involving the simulacra and negation of the real, and basically the world implodes and the White Witch pushes us all off of a balcony. Laura is first to shoot in a slinky colorblock dress, and she watches as photographer Jez Smith greets Kelly. They are all smiles. FOR NOW. Jez has Laura sit on a stoop so her face catches some natural light, but what she's doing isn't working. Kelly, who is literally hovering, tells Jez that Laura should be standing up. He points out that he's trying to make use of the light, and Kelly snaps back that this is her client and they're going to have to use the shot. Jez again mentions the light, and Kelly is like, "THEN WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT HER," and Jez is not thrilled. But eventually Laura stands, and Kelly continues to give near-constant direction.

Kelly tells Jez that she thinks all of the girls should be standing. He says that it would have been nice to know that six hours ago. She then says, "Well you should have talked to the producers about it, dude, I'm the talent on the show, don't be bitching at me about it." I mean, it doesn't seem like the producers are the ones who are insisting that Laura stand, thus taking her face out of the natural light. Poor Johnny is standing right in the middle of them, by the way. Jez retorts (in a really retorting tone, I might add) that he's not bitching at her, he's telling her what he thinks, and he's entitled to an opinion unless Kelly wants to take the photos herself. Kelly turns to Johnny and notes that Jez is being really rude, and Jez says, "Whatever," and then Kelly asks a producer named Jamie to ask Jez not to speak to her like that. Even though that's the way that she speaks to people all the time! Kelly says that she's really upset.

Also upset is Laura, who is getting a little shortchanged in terms of how many pictures anyone is actually taking of her while this bitchery is occurring. As Kelly and Jez hammer it out with some poor producer who is right now thinking that a free trip to Jamaica was not worth it, Laura is taken off set. Kelly tells us that Jez was threatened because she "made a suggestion" that threw him off his day. Nine West is her client, and she is their consultant, and she was right, and her shot was better. Well, at least according to Kelly. Kelly and Jez bitch to the producer for a while, and as she storms off Jez says he doesn't have this kind of drama at his shoots. Meanwhile, Laura notes that this whole thing is unfair to her, who only got five minutes to get a good shot. She cries and cries as we head to commercials.

We then flash back to the girls' photo shoots for Nylon, which is of course another part of the winner's prize package. Jimmy Fontaine is the photographer, and the girls sort of sass around in brightly colored dresses with hipster accessories. Laura tells us that she has been very insecure for her whole life, but finally has gotten to feel and know that her body is beautiful, and that she's beautiful. And I mean, come on. Who thinks, "You know, I really am horrid-looking. Maybe I should apply to be on America's Top Model"? J. Errico, who is the fashion director of Nylon, tells us that Laura was great. She's a little on the commercial side, but that's not a bad thing, since commercial work makes money. Kiara shoots , and Laura tells us that Kiara did not deserve to win best photo for the Dream Come True shoot. Laura adds that Kiara has the same expression in every shot, which does not objectively seem to be the case. Kiara tells us that she's in this competition not only for herself, but for her grandma and brothers and sisters. She feels a lot of pressure, and says that her winning this competition would be one of the greatest things to happen to her entire family. Finally there's Leila, who lies on the ground, puts her legs up in the air, and forces the editors to blur her cooch. And then, perhaps not coincidentally, she's deemed the most Nylon. She also does a great job hanging from a tree like a little monkey.

And then the girls get a surprise that at this point is really a non-surprise -- visits from their families. Laura first sees her mom and dad, in all of their C-list celebrity glory. She starts crying and then her mom starts running toward her and screeching that she can stop working and that she looks so beautiful. Laura's mother sounds exactly like a squealing pig, I am sorry to say. Her dad is much calmer about the whole thing, because he's spent a lot of time on TV and isn't totally desperate to get back on it. Laura's mom hugs Laura while making outward expressions of her happiness and looking directly into the camera. You love her, WE GOT IT. And then Leila's mom shows up, and seems generally sweet and low-key and adorable. They hug and hug, and no one tries to get a fantastic camera shot. Leila is a head and a half taller than her mom, which makes the whole situation pretty cute. And then there's Kiara's grandma! She's the sweetest little lady, and Kiara is thrilled to see her. And doesn't all this really just serve to make you dream of the greatness that would have occurred if Victoria were a finalist and had gotten a family visit? It would have easily been one of the top five TV moments in all of history. And then they would have run off together to find the only Cracker Barrel in Jamaica and enjoy country cooking in one anothers' arms.

The judges then look at the photos from the Nine West shoot. Laura did a good job, and Kelly gives her props for remaining calm during World War Cycle 19. Rob tells Laura that her photo is a little on the sexy side, but there's not much she can do about that given her look. Bryanboy likes the photo, and at least one fan enjoyed it as well. Tyra notes that Laura was tooching with her feet, thus discovering a previously unknown species of tooch known as the "shoe-y tooch." I mean...she certainly is standing on her feet. Kiara is , and Bryanboy says that even though he has supported her throughout the competition, he's disappointed in this shot. However, the fans seem to like it. I guess they've finally been won over. Rob thinks that the top half of Kiara's body looks good, but the bottom is not very flattering. Her pose is too relaxed for a mass ad, according to Tyra, and she needs an advertising pop. Also, her face is tilted back, giving her a "pea head" appearance. And, I would add, major nostrils. Kelly loves Leila's shot, and says it's the best of the day -- youthful, fresh, and fun. And she's the client, after all, kind of. Tyra says that if high fashion and commercial went on a date and got a little frisky, this photo would have popped out nine months later. And then we get a video from a fan named Camden, who is complimenting Leila and also hitting on Rob. Rob totally loves being hit on by anyone -- real, ghostly, or via video. He also agrees that Leila's shot is the best, and tells her that if she works on her runway walk, she could really clean up as a model.

The judges deliberate. I have to admit I've actually missed the deliberation element a bit during this quantitative season. Everyone agrees that Kiara is the best walker, and Tyra pulls up the Dunn's Falls photo as evidence that she'd be great in a Smashbox ad. But then there is, like, literally every other photo of Kiara. She basically sucked for a lot of the season. However, her Dream Come True photo was soft and stunning, and Tyra thought it was amazing. Bryanboy loves Kiara's look and thinks that she's inspirational. Then there's Leila. Kelly things that she's an amazing model, looks great, can't walk. Rob notes that if you're the girl who falls, you're the girl who falls on YouTube and never lives it down. Her photos were by and large great, though. She has an edgy look, including the tooth-gap, and that might get her in the door. Tyra says that Nylon loved Leila. Rob, however, says that Leila cleans up on the edgy stuff but really needs some personality. Laura is not super-skinny and has some ass, which Tyra enjoys. Rob likes that too, but says that the industry doesn't. Tyra claims that it's changing. Kelly likes Laura as a model, but notes that she's not an amazing catwalker. Tyra points out that Laura was a disappointment at the Dunn's Falls shoot, and Kelly notes that when Leila came back into the competition, Laura started to go downhill. Separate from that, though, Laura takes great photos. Kelly and Bryan debate over whether or not Laura looks like a porn star in her shot with Rob. I mean, she does have a certain undeniable porn sheen to her.

By Potes

So, just to make a note up front, this episode is really bonkers. We start off with a full moon and grainy footage of a tomb and ghostly apparitions and, like, lightning. Did they think this was going to air on Halloween? There is a runway set up outside of Rose Hall, and a tiny little audience, and Tyra addresses the crowd in a Jamaican accent. No one seems scared yet. We see Laura's parents in the audience, and her mom totally has to elbow Jeff Colby to get him to applaud when Tyra speaks. We learn that this is going to be an exciting runway show that embraces all the beauty of Jamaica -- the people, the music, the murderous slave-owning ghosts. As a dance hall crew comes out to warm up the "crowd," we cut to the girls backstage in hair and makeup, three hours before the show begins. And I honestly have no idea why the bulk of this episode is presented in flashback. I think Tyra might be trying to give the impression that we are watching a live runway show, which we all know is not true.

Tyra throws it to special backstage correspondents Kelly Cutrone and Johnny Wujek, and poor Kelly has to act like she works for Entertainment Tonight and feign excitement about how crazy everything is. It's crazy! All so crazy! Kelly puts in a plug for Smashbox cosmetics, which is apparently makeup that causes you look like a ghost. Way to sell the wares of your sponsor, show! The winning model will get a campaign with Smashbox, which will entail being flown to L.A. and photographed by Davis Factor, co-founder of Smashbox and great-grandson of Max Factor. He also shot Tyra once, but not in a murderous ghost way. A bunch of the former contestants file in (sadly not including Victoria), and then last cycle's winner Sophie shows up. She'll be opening the show, and gives the models one word of advice: Don't fall over. We cut to Leila laughing and laughing, because she doesn't know she's just become the victim of a voodoo curse.

The former contestants give their endorsements. Nastasia is rooting for Kiara, who has improved a lot (true) and worked really hard (also true). Kiara says she doesn't just want the title of America's Top Model -- she needs it to prove to America and her grandparents and her mom that she can be a model. I would argue that winning the title of this show proves no such thing. Kristin is Team Laura, because she loves Laura (except for that time she said she could not give half a shit about any of the girls) and thinks she's the prettiest. Also she hates everyone else in the final three. Laura wants to make herself and her parents proud. She says that her parents didn't want her in the fashion industry, but it would mean the world to them if she won. Darian is in Leila's corner, and gives her kudos for being kicked out and coming back. Leila tells us that she's gone through so much in the competition -- more than any other girl -- and to be a finalist after being eliminated is crazy. Though don't you feel like they eliminated her just so somebody who was actually good could come back? There's nothing about this show that is not a ruse.

By Potes

When we return, Johnny revisits the drama and tells us that Jez was trying to be creative and get good shots, but Kelly is the boss and so Jez has to do what she says. I thought she was just the talent? Laura cries to Johnny about how frustrated she is, and how mentally fraught she can become when she's not confident about a shoot, and he assures her that she did the best she could under the dramatic circumstances. Leila is up , and after Kelly tells the hair people what to do with her ponytail, she continues her running commentary of direction. One thing that Johnny and Kelly agree on is that Leila needs to work on connecting with the product. No pigeon toes when selling Nine West shoes! Leila tells us that she worked hard to come back and is the epitome of America's Top Model because she's so new and different. "New." "Different."

Finally there's Kiara. She tells us that she's always been a tomboy tough chick, and a lot of people didn't think she had what it takes to become America's Top Model. So now she's going to be able to rub her finalist status in all those bitches' faces. On set, Kiara is a bit too serious and staid for Kelly, who says that this isn't a comeback shot for Beverly Johnson. She wants something more youthful and energetic, and also for Kiara to open her eyes. Johnny notes that, with last week's challenge win and best photo, Kiara should be on top of her game. Instead, she is dead-eyed. Kelly tells Kiara to save her sadness for when she's back in her room. Johnny then interviews that it was great that Kelly was on set since she was representing the client, but people get crazy. And that's silly because this is fashion, and what's there to be crazy about? And...you guys, I think he just called Kelly crazy.

With that, we're back at the fashion show. The parents are backstage now, and Tyra pays a visit. She jokes with Leila's mom that she birthed a giant, then asks Leila if she's going to get her shaky walk together. Leila says yes, because this is when hope was still alive. Tyra has Leila's mom do a fierce walk, which is the cutest. And then Tyra meets Kiara's grandma, who is apparently a huge Tyra Banks fan. She speaks Spanish (although she also seems to speak English just fine), which gives Tyra a chance to bust out all she learned from Rosetta Stone and say in Spanish that Kiara is very strong. Grandma busts out with, "Sexy!" And then it's time for Tyra to meet Laura's parents. You KNOW Laura's mom was waiting to be asked to do her runway walk, being a former model and all. Tyra congratulates Jeff Colby and Mrs. Jeff Colby for passing on their showbiz genes to Laura, then warns Laura not to be too sexy on the runway. I feel like a face collar would be the ideal solution for that situation.

And then it's time for the show to begin! It starts with a short film, introduced by Tyra. In her newsreel voice, and with a crowd of ghost-masked folks behind her, she says, "Our three finalists are about to enter this ghostly abode. What fate beholds them?" I feel like maybe Victoria wrote the script for this? We then see Rob Evans enter the house, with Leila, Laura, and Kiara behind him. A voice whispers, "Come to me," and everyone looks around the abandoned haunted mansion with its ghostly lighting. The voice whispers again, and then Rob sees ghostly apparition Sophie, who is apparently playing the role of the White Witch. Given the context of slavery in the real legend, is anyone else uncomfortable with this? I mean, MORE uncomfortable with this? Rob lies down and falls asleep as ghost-Sophie strokes his cheek. Then she sees the three finalists just chatting away and looks awfully mad. A ghostly voice hisses, "He's mine!" And then there are screams. Rob wakes up and looks down the stairwell to find the three models dead. With them gone, ghost-Sophie has Rob all to herself. He seems okay with that. But then the models are apparently zombies? When is Bryanboy going to show up as a werewolf?

This whole thing was a build-up to Tyra, in a gilded-leaf face collar of her own, speaking perhaps the greatest sequence of words ever uttered on earth: "Within these walls the jealousy of the mistress has been awakened. So put on your masks to protect yourselves [???????]. Her anger has claimed the earthly lives of Leila, Kiara, and Laura. And now, their spirit-bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes, and fight for the title of...America's Top Model." A human being just said: "AND NOW THEIR SPIRIT-BODIES MUST TAKE TO THE RUNWAY TO RECLAIM THEIR MORTAL SMIZES." This actually happened! And I think it's possible that a voodoo curse has just been placed on all of humanity.

Sophie emerges from some sort of tunnel, and the judges take off their protective masks. The rest of the audience is not so fortune. At the end of the runway, she disappears or vaporizes or something. Poor Leila is going to be so mad when she sees that. Then we see Kristin and Nastasia, who work on the runway it to the best of their abilities. Laura is the first finalist to emerge. She is awfully cautious coming down the two sets of stairs, and Tyra says her body looks good. is Kiara, who just stomps it out. She looks really great with the entire perimeter of her face covered. Tyra and the other judges appreciate her swag, and backstage Johnny tells her that she crushed it.

And then there is Leila. Why is Leila getting her own paragraph, you may wonder? This is why. She emerges from her tunnel, takes exactly two steps on the first staircase, and totally bites it. Totally! The dreaded curse of the voodoo face collar enacts its revenge! Well played, White Witch! In good news, Leila does not fall on her face. Her legs sort of crumble under her, like a little baby deer, so she basically winds up in a quasi-seated position. Kelly Cutrone can not believe what she is witnessing, while Tyra Banks and all the producers internally jump around with glee. Leila tells us that she's awfully embarrassed, but has no choice than to get up and keep going. She has to focus on what's in front of her now. Sadly for Leila, what's in front of her is still the face collar. She does not get to vaporize at the end of the runway, and instead falls AGAIN! Rob can't help but laugh a little as the cameraman tries to help her up. Backstage, Johnny notes with concern that Leila seems to be limping. But once she gets back there (likely falling six more times on the way!) she says that she's fine, and I give her big kudos for not just falling onto the floor in a fetal position and crying. Especially since she's already on the ground so much! She holds it together really well, and not a tear passes from her zombie eyes. I can only imagine the good mood that Kristin is in now.

The girls get outfitted in their second looks, and for some reason Kiara has a total panic attack. This might be caused by the noxious gases being pumped out of her pink lacy face collar. She cries and tries to breathe as Johnny takes off the face collar in an effort to make the whole ensemble less claustrophobic. Back on the runway, we see Yvonne, Darian, Allyssa, and Brittany, who is giving Disney ghost bride realness. Laura comes out for her second pass, and though her dress is long and looks a bit difficult to walk in, it seems a little unfair that she's the only one without a face collar to contend with. Kiara comes out with her face collar and wings. She totally works it out, and manages the stairs just fine. Sorry, Leila, you just suck. Speaking of Leila, she comes out for her second pass, and the entire audience basically is just really still and nervous. She walks very, VERY carefully, and you can't really blame her for that. Plus, she already lost the competition, so who cares. Kelly yells at Leila to work it and not stop, and this time she blessedly gets to evaporate at the end of the runway. Leila is proud of her recovery, and hopes the judges will recognize her perseverance. She manages to get through the finale walk without tripping, or else the editors just took pity on her and kept that bonus footage for themselves.

Everyone is relieved at the end of the show, and Kiara cries as the finalists high-five. Laura is keeping the faith and hoping this works out for her, while Johnny tells Leila he's proud of her for being such a trooper. He tells the three finalists that they're all amazing in their own way, and he has no idea who's going to win. Other than "not Leila."

With that, it's panel time! Tyra explains that the judges are going to evaluate the finalists' entire body of work, and their challenge and fan vote scores will be averaged. Add all those numbers together, and the girl with the highest score will become America's Top Model. There are prizes, there are judges. Laura is up first for evaluation, and Tyra notes that she has $30,000 in her scholarship bank from her three challenge wins. If she wins the entire competition, that money will be hers. The judges first check out the video from her runway performance, and Kelly notes that she looked a bit awkward. Kelly isn't sold on her as a fierce runway model, but says that some models don't even do runway work. No one brings that up as a plus in Leila's favor, FYI. Rob tells Laura that she's more commercial than high fashion, but that's not always a bad thing. Laura then cries as she tells the judges that she's scared of being too sexy. Tyra tells her that this is a legitimate fear, since high fashion and extreme sexiness don't mix well. She needs to harness her sexy, and Gucci tooch it back. Well, of course.

Kiara won four challenges, and so will get $40,000 in scholarship money if she wins. The judges watch her runway performance, which is truly great. They just yell, "Work!" and Rob notes that she was the only finalist to put one foot in front of the other like a real catwalk model. Even Kelly Cutrone says that it was a pleasure to watch her come down the catwalk, adding that this is how it should be done. Rob agrees that she was the best walker by far. With a face collar, too! Tyra notes that her athlete agility gave her an edge on being able to navigate the runway and particularly the staircases.

And then there's Leila. We all know how that one went. She only won one challenge, and so will get $10,000 if she wins the competition. And then everyone gets to watch Leila fall. Twice. Again. Tyra notes that Leila's arms are completely still as she walks, and that part of the reason why models swing their arms is to stay balanced. Now that is a legit tip. Upon watching Leila's falls again, Kelly says that if she was the person who cast Leila in this runway show, she'd be fired. Leila starts to talk about the face collar and tail on the dress, and Kelly cuts her off, saying that she doesn't want to hear excuses, and you either do it or you don't. Leila tears up as she says that she know she can improve in the future. Tyra and Rob agree that Leila's mess-ups were mental and not physical. Her mind got the best of her. Tyra asks what Leila thought about on the runway, and Leila says that she focuses on the motions, and being strong and graceful and confident. While she talks, her arms start swinging, and Tyra is basically like, "Look! Your arms move!" Poor Leila.

By Potes

The girls reenter, and it's time to find out who will be America's Top Model. There is a screen with each of the finalists' photos and a bunch of flipping numbers. Leila is the first eliminated, with the lowest score. She got an overall score of 35.2, which includes 8s from Kelly and Tyra and a 7 from Rob, a challenge average of 6.7, and a fan vote of 5.5. She seems resigned to her fate, though she does tear up a little. Tyra notes that Leila had phenomenal photos, but THE WALK. Had she been a stronger walker (and/or not fallen twice), she probably would have taken the whole competition. But she made a comeback, which is a footnote in America's Top Model history. Leila has learned a lot, and accepts the fact that she came in third, which is still pretty good. Her adorable mom is proud.

So it all comes down to Kiara and Laura. Kiara started off not particularly strong, but Jamaica agreed with her and she started to tear it up. Then there's Laura. She was great out of the gate, but started to get off her game a bit when Leila returned. The numbers flip for what seems like an eternity, and we finally learn that Laura is the winner. She has a final score of 41.2, which includes 9s from Kelly and Tyra and a 10 from Rob, a challenge average of 7.6, and a fan vote of 5.6. Kiara was well behind with 36.6 points total -- a 7 from Tyra, 8 from Kelly and 9 from Rob, challenge score average of 8.3, and a fan vote of 4.3.

By Potes

Laura sobs with happiness, as Kiara sobs with genuine sadness. Tyra tells Kiara that she got so far, and also Alicia Keys complimented her singing. What does that have to do with anything? Kiara hyperventilates just a bit, and says that this is very hard for her, since it's everything that she ever wanted. And no one likes to be bested by a rich girl with acres and a pond. But life goes on and moves forward, and Kiara is ready to get back up and finish school. She hopes this is the beginning and not the end, and is glad that her grandma is there to support her. Grandma tells Kiara that it's okay, and that she's beautiful, and wipes away a tear from Kiara's cheek. And really, how much of a dick is Tyra for not giving the other two finalists their scholarship bank money? She could do one good thing, one time, ever. And doesn't. Stick that in your Smize app and see what comes out.

Laura's parents come out, and her mom only tries to steal all the attention for a few seconds. Jeff Colby cries, which apparently is a first. Laura thinks it's amazing that she's representing strong, healthy girls with a butt. So congratulations, Laura! Photo shoot after photo shoot your fierce H2T moves won over designers, clients, and your fans online! You've raked in an extra $30,000 for your scholarship fund by crushing challenges! And like other notable hoss Kate Upton (yeah, who would want THAT body?), your healthy body image, fierce smize and non-stop determination make you an inspiration for girls around the world. Get out there, Laura, and show the world your flawsome curves! Fierce and love, Tyra. Also, thanks for having stopped talking about being a small-town girl about halfway through the season. Jeers and ugh, Potes.

time: We're not done yet -- there's a highlights show! With Victoria talking about a three way with her brother!

Potes would like to be considered in contention as America's Top Horror Story. Tweet your endorsement @traciepotes, or email it to potesypotes@gmail.com.