College Knowledge

S19E01

Well hello, friends! I don't know about you, but I am really happy to be spending one of the last Fridays of the summer watching the premiere of the "Tyra Went to Harvard" cycle of America's Top Model. I think they should just rename this whole shebang as, Oh My God, This Show Is Still On? But Why? It is truly nothing to smize about!

So, everything is madness. Tyra's best friend and main advisor is a bearded guy in a blonde wig, which makes a strange kind of sense and explains a lot. He helps her come to the decision that Cycle 19 needs to be blown up, and also have a college theme just to give an excuse to talk about how Tyra fake-went to Harvard. Kelly Cutrone somehow survived the judging panel massacre, so she is back, but everyone else is new. In the British guy role we have hot hot hot model Rob Evans, and Katy Perry stylist Johnny Wujek will be the new Jay Manuel. Fashion blogger Bryanboy doesn't actually show up, but will be the panel member who represents us, the American voters, who will get to weigh in every week and allegedly have a quarter of the say in who goes home. I would go full-on anti-suffrage if it meant that Andre Leon Talley could come back. Oh, and the prizes are different, too! No Cover Girl contract or Vogue Italia -- the girls are vying for a Nylon spread, L.A. Models and New York Model Management contracts, campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox Cosmetics, and $100,000 cash.

Thirty finalists from colleges and cosmetology schools around the country amass themselves at a location that is at least meant to look like a college. There are lots of revelers around, texting comments in this new high-tech environment! Have you ever seen anything so groundbreaking? Are we actually in the future? The finalists have a head-to-head walking challenge, and then each have a photo shoot. The results of the shoot are put up online so that anonymous haters from across the globe can say mean things about them. I'm sure this new element of the show is going to turn out to be VERY productive!

Individual interviews with the panel abound, and there are a few standouts amongst the crowd. Leila from Rhode Island (represent!) is quite possibly the most modelesque, with her somewhat awkward and ghostly gap-toothed look. Destiny and Kiara take the prize for really depressing background stories, determination to move forward with their lives, and innate loveliness. Laura is the daughter of a soap opera actor and a beauty queen who is trying to pass herself off as a small town girl, and Jessie is the adorable architecture grad student who has a donkey booty to die for. Oh, and Kristin is the Barbie-esque beeyotch. And then there's the real star of the show, Victoria, who has the distinction of being friendless, homeschooled, and a student at Jerry Falwell's own Liberty University online. She's basically just really, really socially retarded and doubtlessly will be torn to shreds in the model house and via online comments.

And the thirteen finalists are: Kristin, Nastasia, Laura, Allyssa, Destiny, Kiara, Leila, Darian, Maria, Jessie, Brittany, Yvonne, and of course Victoria. I love how they even pretended that they weren't going to let the crazy one in the house! Sad losers include Kaci with the recently dead grandma and the girl who insists on meowing like a kitty cat at all times. But who cares about them? The thirteen finalists move into their house and do a celebratory booty tooch while simultaneously renouncing learning, as the legacy of Tyra Banks continues.

Anyway, let us not delay getting right into the action, such as it is. So, it turns out that Tyra's BFF and chief professional and personal advisor is a dude with a beard in a wig, possibly named "Trig." I mean, this probably explains some things, right? We watch a video (it's already gotten 1,156,388 views!) of Tyra and bearded wig guy (Is that Zach Galifianakis? All bearded guys look the same to me. Maybe it's Ray LaMontagne or Iron and Wine?) talking about how Tyra wants a total H2T makeover (SHOULDN'T THAT BE A TY-OVER?) for Cycle 19. It pains me to tell you that Tyra is wearing a t-shirt that says "OMS" in part of the video. That stands for "Oh My Smize." I am not making this up. Anyway, Tyra and Zach Galifianakis in a wig brainstorm for a while before Tyra says that being on Cycle 19 makes her feel like her baby has grown up and gone to college. And then a metaphorical light bulb goes off above Tyra's head, and it is the energy efficient kind that leaks dangerous amounts of mercury into landfills and slowly poisons us all, causing varying amounts of brain damage. This will be a college cycle, and like everybody at home can like totally vote for like who should stay and like who should go home OMG TOTES AMAZEBALLS HOW ORIGINAL. Zach Galifianakis gives Tyra props for her big, fierce, Harvard ideas. I'm sure that's the only time we'll be reminded that Tyra fake-went to Harvard.

Tyra, in full fierce regalia, then clarifies for us that Top Model has been going long and strong for 18 cycles, but all that time fans have been clamoring to have a voice. I mean... sure? But I feel like I kind of resolve that by getting drunk and yelling at the TV. That is not enough for Tyra, though! She's making US the judge. Or one of the judges. Or something. But! That is not the only change on the show. Yes, that's right, Tyra fired basically everyone except for, inexplicably, Kelly Cutrone. So we'll still have her chemically imbalanced ass to deal with, yay. Taking on the role of hot British guy is an actually hot British guy who is likely not going to be as much of a creeper as Nigel was -- his name is Rob Evans, and he is fiiiiiiiine. That one might actually be an upgrade. And then there is "fashion's most powerful blogger," someone named Bryanboy. I'm sure he's very fashionable and very powerful, but I personally have never heard of him. But he'll be the voice of the people, or something. And then there's mega-stylist to the stars and the man behind Katy Perry's peppermint boobs, Johnny Wujek. He'll be the new Jay Manuel, with fewer frosted tips.

Tyra says that it hit her after "graduating" from "Harvard" that she just had to do a college cycle. So she searched high and low, east and west, from the Ivy League to big old state universities to community colleges to beauty schools. So really this is technically a "postsecondary" cycle. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Tyra found the "freshest faces" from across the USA, who are also, somewhat mysteriously, on the older side. Have you ever seen so many 23-year-old college students? Why would they not target traditional freshmen? Sigh.

With that, we are in some sort of random campus-esque scene. Except I don't actually think it's on a campus. There is a big brick structure that looks like it was the childhood home of Hansel and Gretel, though, so that's something. Is that what the Ivy League looks like? Like you're about to get eaten by a sketchy crone? Though actually, metaphorically, that's exactly what's about to happen! The symbolism on this show runs deeper than I have properly acknowledged. There's a big party going on, and our 30 finalists enter wearing t-shirts from their respective colleges or trade schools. We briefly meet Leila, 20, who is from the University of Rhode Island, and thus I feel I must root for her. Little Rhody represent! She actually seems like a delight, so hopefully I won't have to turn on her as I did one Brown alumnus Miss Yaya DaCosta Johnson, also known as Fucking Yaya. Respeito where respeito is due, though -- she seems to be doing just fine. We then meet Tyra's sentimental favorite, Maria, who is 22 and a master's student in archaeology of religion at Harvard. Such a schmancy sounding field! Maria thinks that the college edition of Top Model is great, because it shows people that all models are not dumb-asses. Well, I'm glad she's found her cause. Then there's Kiara, who is a 22-year-old student and basketball player from the University of California at Irvine. She got a full scholarship to go to college, which was needed since she had no money. And yet, modeling is her dream. She is really stunning, I must say.

Oh Lord, and then there's Victoria. She is 18, and as she puts it, "I do Liberty University online." She's clearly getting a fantastic education, doing college like she does. Victoria, who wears an American flag t-shirt and red, white and blue hair bow in her interview footage, notes that her college experience isn't the traditional one. She still lives at home with her mom, who also home schooled her. They are burying the lede here, which is that Liberty University is the fundamentalist Christian college started by Jerry Fucking Falwell. Like, you can probably major in creationism and abortion clinic bomb engineering. Victoria tells us that she doesn't have a lot of friends, which is a HUGE shocker. I suspect she's going to be a living cautionary tale about many things.

Randomly, Taryn Manning is the DJ at this fake college party. Do you think she would count this as a highlight that ranks above starring in Crossroads with pre-meltdown Britney Spears? I don't. She instructs the crowd to put their hands together for the gorgeous Tyra Banks. And then Tyra emerges sporting the scraggliest weave of all time. All time! Clearly the hair and makeup crew were Team Jays and staged a walk-off, but only after dousing her with balsamic vinaigrette. Her roots are insane, and not in a good way. Tyra then introduces the judges, who "the blogs" have been blowing up about. You know someone is too old to be messing with this shit when they say "the blogs." As noted above, there's Kelly Cutrone, who has not yet been killed by British Louise; boxer turned sexiest model alive Rob Evans, who makes all the girls have to fan themselves; new Jay Manuel Johnny Wujek, who is so exciting that he turns Victoria Irish when she talks about him. Johnny talks about how he's going to mentor these girls, and it turns out he might be the voice-twin of Rosie Pope. Awesome. Then of course there's the fourth judge, us. I don't know that I'm ready to take on this awesome responsibility. Here are the details: all of the photo shoots will be posted online and scored by fans at home, and our vote will have equal weight to one judge's vote. Which I guess indicates that it's meaningless. I'm cool with that.

The final 30 strip down to their bikinis so they can have a motherfucking walk-off. Homeschooled, socially retarded Victoria walks against Kiara. Kiara throws shade by saying, "Liberty University... isn't that an online school?" OH KIARA, IT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT! Rob is impressed by Kiara, and maybe also wants to bone her. The motherfucking walk-off features Kristin, 19, from Florida State College of Jacksonville, and Nastasia, also 19 and from East Stroudsburg University. Kristin, who is very blonde and pretty until she opens her stupid mouth, tells us that she used to be a mean girl, but maaaaybe isn't one anymore, except for the times that she is. up we have Jessie, 23 and adorably nerdy from the University of Southern California, and Allyssa, 20 from Florida State University. Allyssa seems to be not at all noteworthy and yet makes it to the final 13 (spoiler). I'm predicting she'll be the first booted. Jessie is a grad student, and says that although she's never modeled professionally, she's had offers at Trader Joe's. For this show, I think that counts. Also, she's got a major donkey booty that causes Kelly Cutrone to smile for the first time ever. Victory!

we have the aforementioned Maria from Harvard walking with Laura, 21, who goes to Paul Smith's College. Laura's got a little bit of a complex about how Paul Smith's College in Lake Placid New York is going to show up Harvard, which is basically the same complex everybody has about Harvard. we have Delaney, 20, from Texas Christian University and Ivory, 18, from Cypress Community College. They couldn't have gotten an Ebony on this cycle too? Think of the opportunities! Then there's Christin, 22 from the University of Illinois, and Darian, 22 from Louisiana State University, who just wants us to give her the competition. Does that mean it will end after one episode? If so, I'm in. We then see Sara, 20 from the University of Virginia and Briana, 22 from the University of Texas at Austin. I just spelled Texas as "Texis," which is a testament to how dumb recapping this show has made me. Briana is energetic, fun, and has ADD. Great?

we see Savanna, 19 from Michigan State University, and Brittany, 18 from Chandler-Gilbert College. Boy, there are a lot of colleges in the world, aren't there? Brittany tells us that she may look sweet, but underneath it all she's a fierce competitor. Wow, a completely new archetype! I am stunned at the originality. Then there's Jasmine, 22 from Elan Makeup Studios, and Deedra, 23 from Oregon State University. Jasmine's thing is that she meows, which is never going to trump being homeless. Maybe she'll get a scratching post as a consolation prize when she doesn't make the final 13. we meet Amber, 23 from Texas Tech University, and Destiny, 18 from the Aveda Institute. Destiny grew up in Ashtabula, Ohio, a town dear to me for being name-checked in my favorite Bob Dylan song. She says that she grew up very lower-class, lived in a group home for a while, and has been the kind of person who wakes up in the morning angry at everyone. More about her later, but I peg her for the top three easy. we have Rhode Islander Leila, and Kaci, 19, from Kent State University. Leila stands out to Johnny for her runway walk and distinctive look, aka her jacked-up teeth. I'd put her in the top three too, though.

With the motherfucking walk-off over, and the people at the party texting what they think about all the girls even though they are right there and ostensibly could actually talk to someone about it, it's time for the models' photo shoot! Johnny tells Leila that she looks like Kristin Stewart, which is something that she gets a lot. Kelly Cutrone already hates Harvard Maria, but Johnny sees a little bit of potential. Brittany has crazy Ramona Singer eyes and body movements, but thinks she did a good job. Nastasia is impressive for both her posing and her hair, and I continue my love affair with Destiny, who just might be this cycle's Angelea, but either less or more stank. It's hard to tell at this early stage!

By Potes

With the photo shoot over, the models head to the "social media room." This is a room with some laptops and a wireless connection. That's VERY high-tech! The photos of the top 30 are posted online, where fans and haters get to comment on them. I am actually starting to feel that this concept is rather cruel and unusual. As someone who has worked in this medium for many a year, and is also just a citizen of the world, I can state with certainty that the level of discourse that you find on The Internets can be, well, problematic. I include myself in this -- I mean, I spent like seven cycles just talking about how many ribs Tyra eats. I hope these ladies have thicker skins than usual. Leila tells us about how the girls get to tell their friends and families to give them positive votes in real time, and it's so groundbreaking. Did anyone out there even know this was happening at the time? If any of you did, I feel like you would have alerted me. No one even knew that this premiere was happening! I'm only here because my editors alerted me!

we have Destiny, my one true love, who is at the Aveda Institute for cosmetology. She cries with excitement, and then tells her sob story. Her mom kicked her out of the house at 14, and she ended up in a group home when she was 16. She was poor and hungry and homeless, and maybe IS poor and hungry and homeless currently as well. Tyra asks how she manages to get food, and Destiny cries as she says that sometimes her friends will take her to dinner. Tyra then prompts her to admit that sometimes she dumpster-dives. She could at least be kind enough to frame it as if Destiny is a freegan. As opposed to Tyra's exploitation masked as compassion, Rob kindly tells Destiny that his story is similar to hers. He got kicked out at a young age, had no money, and trained his ass off as a boxer because he had no home. His trainer would feed him and let him stay at the gym. He relates to Destiny, and tells her that what happened to her in the past will definitely make her stronger. Destiny's photo is underwhelming, but Rob likes it and Tyra is impressed at her drive.

And then it's time for the parade of losers! First and most loser-ish of all is Ivory. Her thing is that she's a complete crackpot with a missing tooth, and can also fit her fist into her mouth. Allyssa is notable for having "BO$$" tattooed on the inside of her lip (and, eventually, for stealthily making it through to the final 13). Amber from Texas Tech University's special talent is that she can kind of shake her booty. Then there's crazy stripes and leopard print lady Briana, who sings a Pot Ledom song, terribly. Christin is maybe a cheerleader, and Jasmine meows. A lot. Tyra hisses at her, because that's how this whole thing works.

And then finally we get to crazy Victoria! Tyra points out that Victoria is awfully mature for 18, and Victoria says that she's a 50-year old lady on the inside. I'd give her flak for this, but I kind of feel that way too. I have the soul of a Golden Girl, and I'm okay with that. The judges like Victoria's photo a bunch. Rob says that she's weird looking, but in a good way. Johnny says that her features are interesting and a bit off, including her bigger nose. Victoria then says that she has both Jewish and Native American heritage. Wait. She's Jewish? What on earth is she doing at Liberty University? The tag line for their online school LITERALLY is "Training champions for Christ since 1971." I did not make that up! Tyra reads aloud the words of an online commentator named Melissa who says that Victoria has a boring face, then asks Victoria to address said commentator via the camera. Victoria is characteristically weird, then talks about how her people were "led off" on the Trail of Tears and in the Holocaust, and finishes by saying that if Melissa has a problem with her face, she's racist. Well then. Johnny is like, "...No way is this one going to pass the psych test." Back in the social media room, Victoria Skypes with her mom, who is also her best friend, and cries a bunch. Something tells me we're going to be seeing a lot of that. Backstage, the other girls talk a lot of shit about her, and do some really bang-up impressions, and Victoria hears it all. She's embarrassed, but says that her mom told her to expect such things since this is the first time she'll have been around other actual humans. She's not going to let any of the shit-talk get under her skin, or so she claims. It's not easy being a trained champion for Christ!

By Potes

up we have Jessie, whom all the other models apparently love. Her butt is already legendary! It turns out that Jessie is getting her master's degree in architecture, and knows how to rock a cat print mini-dress. Tyra instantly gets to praising Jessie's world class ass, then tells her that she should have been facing the wall in her photo. Are we going to get a Jessie butt-cam throughout the season? Jessie is cute and delightful about the whole thing.

And then we get to the opposite of cute and delightful -- Kristin. It turns out she's been suspended from high school multiple times for physical and verbal altercations. She tells us while smiling that she's not proud of her brawls, and would never get in a physical fight again since her face is too pretty to scratch up. She IS gorgeous, I hate to admit. We flash to Kristin's photo shoot, in which Kelly Cutrone told her that it's not enough to be pretty -- you have to give different angles and poses. In an interview, Kristin tells us that you CAN be just pretty, and it's worked for her for 19 years. Kelly isn't a fan of her photo, but it turns out that Kristin had the most likes on Facebook. Something tells me that trend will take a swift turn downward now that we've gotten to hear her speak.

is Nastasia, from East Stroudsburg University in Pennsylvania. Nastasia can pop-lock, and her knowledge of how to isolate movement is apparently a big help with her posing. She tells us that she might not be the tallest girl in the competition, but she has heart. Also, I would add, amazing hair. Johnny thinks that Nastasia crushed it in her photo shoot, and Nastasia agrees.

is Yvonne from UT Austin, who is this season's "fiercely real" girl. She's also Miss Black University of Texas, and has the beauty queen wave down. This will undoubtedly come back to haunt her in every critique throughout the season. Yvonne doesn't get along with her father, for somewhat vague reasons. However, her mom is awesome, and got through college with two kids, which is an inspiration for Yvonne. Yvonne did what Jesse should have done, and turned her butt to the camera. Rob loves it, and Tyra is excited about Yvonne's preexisting tooch. Her numbers are steady on Facebook, but not great. People like that she's showing off her curves, but think she needs to learn how to pose. Rob correctly notes that if Yvonne lets all the skinny bitches in the house get to her, she'll fall apart. Let's hope she has a Cracker Barrel-sized side dish of self confidence to get her through.

Then we have Kiara, the basketball player from UC Irvine who is majoring in sociology. Kiara wants to show girls everywhere that you can go from being beaten down and homeless to becoming a model. Tyra asks her to elaborate, and Kiara says that for the majority of her life she was abused. She ran away from home at 16, found a shelter for battered women, and worked her ass off every day to get a college scholarship. Tyra notes that Kiara talks about her past as if it happened to someone else. It's true that Kiara is almost preternaturally poised. She says that she doesn't like to dwell on her past, but rather accelerate it. I don't know what that means, other than she probably at some point will need some therapy. The judges like her photo, though Tyra tells her that she should be less sexy and more athletic. Kiara Skypes with her grandmother, and makes it clear to us exactly how much she wants to be in this competition. (A whole lot.)

And then it's time for Tyra to announce the 13 finalists. First, though, she announces a whole new prize package. The winner will receive a fashion feature in Nylon magazine, which means no more Franca Sozzani. She will also get to be the face of the ANTM fragrance, Dream Come True, be offered a contract with LA Models and New York Model Management, and will have campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox Cosmetics. There's no Cover Girl contract, but the winner will get $100,000 cash. Did we know that Cover Girl was out? I wonder what finally made them pull the plug. Maybe it was fear of Victoria.

The first finalist to be announced is beeyotch Kristin, who will go on to annoy the living life out of us all, I'm sure. Nastasia is called , and feels like she's about to throw up. With happiness! Small town child of third tier celebrities Laura is called , followed by predicted first bootee Allyssa. Destiny is a finalist, obviously, so at least will be guaranteed a hot meal for a few more days. Kiara is called , followed by Rhode Island gap-toothed Leila, and Louisiana Darian. Maria gets a spot, probably just because Tyra is so eager to swap stories of hanging out in Harvard Square with all the other co-eds. Jessie is called, hooray! She is typically adorable about it, and is totally going to be the nice, normal, awesome girl in the house. Crazy eyes Brittany is called , and attributes her success to being a believer who makes her dreams come true. Shouldn't little birds be flying around her head or something? Doesn't her fairy godmother get any credit? Plus-sized Yvonne is called, which leaves only one finalist spot. Victoria looks very solemn and nervous, even though everyone else obviously knows that Tyra could not pass up that visible, quivering brand of crazy. She's the lucky 13th, and claims to be the happiest person in the world. to her, Jessie is kind of like, "Let's calm down there, nutbag!" But in a nice way, of course.

By Potes

You know who is not the happiest person in the world right now? Kaci. Her poor, deceased grandmother must be so disappointed. Or, if she had any sense, glad. Briana tells all the fans out there who did not vote for her that they can kiss her black behind. Has she also been rejected from American Idol? That felt very familiar. We see lots of tears from strangers who weren't even worth of speaking during the episode, and then Jasmine meows her goodbye.

But who cares about those losers? We have our final 13, and they are invited to run amok in their new Hansel and Gretel house. Let's hope someone left a trail of breadcrumbs back to the room where panel is held. There are theme rooms in the house. Kiara makes herself at home in the sporty fierce room, while Jessie and Leila are happy enough to be in the geek chic room. Kristin gravitates toward the obnoxious pink room. She places herself right in the center, because she thinks the world should revolve around her. Her words! There is a collective booty tooch of celebration, more tears of happiness, an overdose of sincerity, and we're out!

week: Some sort of nightclub runway show, apparently. Destiny gets a low score, and Kiara suggests that it might be because she was too stripper-ish. That does not go over so well. And surprise surprise, Victoria is too much even for this crowd of drama queens.

Potes thanks America's Top Model in advance for totally ruining her Friday nights. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.