Greek Tragedy

S17E12

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. This is…just…what is even HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? Calm down, Potes. But I can't! I'm talking to myself like a crazy person in a written piece that I get to edit! That's how much insanity is happening!

Okay, so blah blah blah, there's a Cover Girl photo and commercial, and it's for eye gunk, and Allison can't open her eyes in the sun, which is kind of a problem. But then she closes her eyes and everyone is like, "Oooh, now we can see even MORE of the gunk!" and it's totally fine. Angelea is awesome at everything, and Lisa is just there, like always, being frustratingly competent.

There is runway show insanity. Something to do with a pool and swimming and transforming from a mortal to goddess and flying through the air on the runway, and viral video hits. I don't know. The Michael Cinco dresses are all hideous, you will not be surprised to learn. It's like he lost his money at Mood just like Anya, and had to create them all out of muslin and found thumb tacks. Everyone is wearing masks that cover about three-quarters of their face, which honestly makes them look the best they have all season. There is serious wind, and a whole lot of Miss J. upskirt shorts. This foretold the doom that would soon come to pass.

Okay, so THEN. We head to panel, and Tyra & Co. are all weird about it, and it turns out they're back in L.A. filming this under "unusual circumstances." Nigel non-explains the following: "After shooting was wrapped, our production team and the network learned information from Angelea that disqualifies her from the competition." I know! They don't say anything more about it, other than they wish Angelea the best. Some crack Google research reveals the theory that Angelea posted either about her win or the final three on Facebook before the show aired, thus violating one of those reality show 1,000-page contracts, and so was stripped of her title. This means that Angelea actually won! I know! And then was stripped of her rightful crown! Just like Persephone! (Note: I don't actually know anything about Persephone.) (Note: I just checked out Wikipedia -- Perseophone is Queen of the Underworld. That seems about right, actually.) Anyway, it is clearly impossible to focus on anything after the Angelea DQ announcement. I don't know why they just didn't set fire to the panel room and tell us that there were no survivors. I would have felt so much more at peace. Lisa wins by default, which means that poor Allison was put through the torture of being runner-up THREE TIMES in her life! Merry fucking Christmas, everybody, and enjoy your D'Amato-shaped lump of coal.

It's the Cycle 17 All-Star finale! Now, as you know, some dastardly shit is about to go down in this bitch. But for now we are just innocents, watching a montage of Lisa D'Amato spreading her legs. Tyra tells us that our three finalists impressed on their original cycles (but not enough to win!), but for all-stars they have to be the best of the best. Technically, if this were true then this would be an all-star cycle featuring past winners, and not a group of sixth-runners-up. Anyway, this season the girls had to do all sorts of fancy all-star things, like fellating hot dogs on camera and sporting a NeNe Leakes wig. But most of all, they've had to build a successful brand, so the judges can tell them that they're not living up to it.

So, will our ultimate all-star be Allison, the quirky and unique girl from Cycle 12 with one of the biggest fan bases in Top Model history? Allison has broken through her shell of shyness and consistently wowed the judges, mostly just by standing there and looking straight ahead. It is her gift, truly. Or will our ultimate all-star be Angelea, the sassy girl from Buffalo whose confidence has had some ups and downs in the competition? Her persistence and winning personality made her into a serious contender (until some sort of mystery thing happened that, frankly, will live to haunt me until I learn the truth). (Uh, spoiler.) Or will our ultimate all-star be Lisa from Cycle 5, one of the most outgoing and fearless and urinating-est girls in the competition? Lisa's in-your-face style was pretty obnoxious at first, but eventually she learned to sometimes look good and has been stepping it up continuously. Tyra tells us that this is going to be a finale to remember, which is true, but not for any of the reasons we may have suspected.

We enter in the model apartment, with the final three celebrating their status and Angelea proclaiming them the three baddest bitches in the world. Those words should rightfully be spoken by Bre, but even she probably wouldn't be lame enough to quote herself from thirteen seasons ago. Lisa tells us that she didn't know for certain that she'd make it this far, though she definitely thought she should. So humble, that one. Lisa says that she's been performing her whole life, and trying to break through the shackles of an abusive childhood. She then goes on to say that she suffered a lot of sexual, mental and physical abuse. Lisa has risen above it, gotten therapy, and is now the best she's ever been. Given Tyra's penchant for making storylines out of traumatic experiences, I'm surprised we haven't heard about this already. But good for Lisa for getting it together and dealing with her issues. She talks about how winning the competition would give her a great platform for selling her new album (entitled, I shit you not, "Flippin' the Bird"), and would help her to support her charity for kids in abusive households.

Angelea tells us that things like this don't happen to her. And if they do, apparently, she will somehow fall prey to self-sabotage. This all-star cycle is redemption for Angelea. She says she grew up in a rough area, and her family was on welfare and food stamps and the whole nine. However, she says, you don't have to be a product of your environment. She's not. She worked at a bank, after all. Angelea is going to continue to fight to the death, or to the mysterious disqualification. Allison tells us that she might be introverted and shy, but has come a long way. She's had quite a rough year -- her dad was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. Allison is working on getting to where she needs to be, and is trying to stay focused and positive. She says that being the ANTM all-star would be very beneficial in terms of exposure, since she wants to be in fashion and photo production, working both in front of and behind the camera. One of the reasons to love Allison is that you can really take heart in the fact that she'll totally have a career doing something interesting. You never have to feel sorry for her, except for maybe when she can't open her eyes in the sunlight.

With that, there is Tyra Mail: "Efkola, Aneta, Omorfa!" Angelea nails this as a Greek, "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful." She waves her long, gangly arms all around and I can just picture stuff flying off the shelves and the walls as she does so, like how the right-sized dog can knock everything off of your coffee table when it wags its tail. Lisa tells us that Angelea is her biggest competition, because of how much she wants to win. However, Lisa thinks that Angelea is still too fragile. We flash back to scenes of Angelea breaking down, and Lisa says that when things get hard you hold on to the handlebars of fierceness and don't let go. Tyra's signature Kool-Aid flavor is called, "Handlebars of Fierceness." Lisa tells us that Angelea has let go of the handlebars of fierceness many, many times. Meanwhile, Lisa's best-of-week motion editorial plays on the girls' TV, and Allison talks about how beautiful and stunning she looks. She admits that Lisa is a quadruple threat, and adds that all three girls are very, very different. At this point, it comes down to what a client wants. And what a client wants, clearly, is a mysterious scandal that leaves you with Lisa D'Amato by default.

The girls meet Jay at the Blue Door restaurant, which is conveniently located in the grounds of the Blue Palace Resort. I wonder if Angelea will get to keep that trip back to Greece that she won? Maybe she is there right now, hiding out with her illegitimate producer's baby, or producer-provided drugs, or juvenile rap sheet, or competing contract, or tell-all Facebook account. (I just scour the Internet for the most oft-cited Angelea disqualification theories and report them back to you.) As expected, the ladies will be shooting their Cover Girl print ad and commercial. Jay claims that the winner will have her photo become a national ad, but have you ever seen one of the winner's Cover Girl photos anywhere? Except maybe in a sad Wal-Mart display? Paige Cali, communications director for Cover Girl, is on set. She is wearing a bright yellow dress that causes Allison's eyes to turn red and tear up. Nikos Papadopoulos is once again the photographer for the day. The role of Cover Girl Lash Blast Blasting Powder will be played by Webster.

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The ladies head backstage to hair and makeup, where Jay delivers a script to them. There will be a teleprompter, but he doesn't want them to just read the lines off of it -- they should already have infused the script with personality and play. Angelea notes that Lisa is her biggest competition because of her outsized personality and star quality. Lisa herself explains that she also has character that's been built after surviving her first season with best friend Cousin Itt and second best friend Jim Beam, hitting rock bottom, and then coming back. Her print shoot is first. And I know I always joke about Lisa looking like a Golden Girl, but seriously! If you put a caftan on her and gave her a plate of cheesecake, she would fit right in on the lanai. She is also exceptionally orange. Paige praises Lisa's vivacious personality, which came through in the shoot. Lisa's commercial shoot is , and she starts off with a tight close-up on her eyes. They actually do look pretty amazing in the Shadow Blasting Powder. She then does her line reading, and oof. The worst is when she enthusiastically has to say the line, "Oh yes!" Jay tells us that Lisa was selling him a used car. In Miami. Where she lives with her two best friends and one senile old lady. Lisa does several takes of the "Oh yes!" all of which are terrible. In all fairness, Drew Barrymore speaks the exact same script in the real LashBlast commercial, and also sounds like a total tool. Jay tells Lisa to be herself, and apparently this is the magic key to success. Much like my cat, when you look at Lisa straight-on and she is concentrating very hard at something, she gets a little cross-eyed.

When we return, some folks dab Allison's eyes with a napkin, and she tries her hardest to open them. But then they get a shot with the eyes closed, and it's great. Allison's commercial line read strategy is to be more enthusiastic than usual, because she thinks she's louder in her head than real life. She sounds dumb on the "Oh yes!" too, but I think the rest of it is pretty good. However, Jay says that Allison's introverted nature came through on film. He asks her to try to go too far for the take, and subsequently loves her energy. Can you even believe she didn't win this thing? It's too much for a reasonable person to handle.

Backstage, Angelea is very nervous and anxious to impress Paige. You know, she really wanted to win this shit. Whatever nefarious thing happened, it wasn't affecting her performance or will here -- no matter how many times Lisa says that Angelea isn't ready to win. Angelea looks very swanky if also oily in her photo shoot, and then espouses the virtues of being "real." Jay tells her she knocked out the photo, and then it's time for her commercial. She throws some 716 into it, and it's pretty fantastic. I mean, at least she doesn't sound like an automaton. As Angelea tells us, she has TOO MUCH personality. She means it in a good way. Her commercial seems to be a resounding success.

Back at the house, the girls get more Tyra Mail: "Ciao Bella! Get ready for a beach day. Fierce and Love, Tyra." Angelea wonders why part of their Tyra Mail would be in Italian. They soon head to a gorgeous secluded beach, where they meet Vogue Italia stylist Valentina Serra and corresponding photographer Dusan Reljin. Valentina tells the ladies that they'll be shooting the cover and spread for the winner's Beauty in Vogue prize. Hair and makeup happens, and Allison gets her eyebrows bleached. She really does look like a beautiful alien, and Angelea switches her "toughest competition" prize to Allison. Allison is first to have her Vogue Italia bikini shoot amongst some beautiful rocks, and magically her eyes seem to do just fine. She is trying her best to do an outstanding job. Lisa is , and says that nobody's feet but hers are big enough to fit in the winner's shoes. Sometimes it's really hard to believe that she's sober. Finally there's Angelea. She reminds us that she's been in the bottom two four times, and this is a very important shoot for her. She splashes around in the water, and then it's a wrap.

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Back at home, there is even more Tyra Mail. Yes, this is a very action packed episode! "A true goddess can rise above the competition. Fierce and love, Tyra." They all realize that it's time for the final runway show. Angelea excitedly confessionalizes that this is what she's wanted all along. The ladies meet up with Jay at the site of their final runway challenge, and he notes that this is a historical three-person finale. Not for long! He then explains the concept of the runway show. Hold on tight for this one. The girls will descend into a pool of water, which represents their transformation from mortal to goddess -- just like their transformation from has-beens to all-stars. They'll also be flying through the air and onto the runway. And then they'll hear their viral video hit songs playing, and will runway walk back and forth to that music. I mean, it's no "Ghost Brides." Jay tells the final three to be sure to use their personalities to wow the crowd.

When we return, it's showtime. The judges are in the audience, and Tyra introduces the show amongst high winds. Wouldn't it be the best if her wig just flew right off? The show begins with fire twirlers, and then a Greek model heads out and steps into an actual pool-sized pool. She swims across, and then I guess is immortal when she steps out. Some curtains are pulled up around her, and then when they're moved down there is a lady flying on wires. Well, flying might be an overstatement. She's hovering about one foot off of the ground. This thing must have taken FOREVER to film.

Lisa is the first finalist out, and tells us how she's there to be an inspiration to the abused drug addicts of the world. I do give her all the credit for turning things around. She's been incredibly lucid and occasionally charming during this cycle. I mean, she still wears too much neon green for me to ever truly champion her. But she's a hard worker, and smart, and scrappy, and you have to appreciate that. So, Lisa descends into the pool, and then decides to be fancy by doing a mermaid flip. Underwater. Where no one can see her. Truth be told, it's not her most brilliant scheme. Her long wig gets stuck in her mask, and she winds up at the side wall of the pool instead of the end. But then she goes back under and swims to where she can actually get out, and no one seems to think it's a thing.

The sheets go up around Lisa, and she explains to us that she then has to scurry out the back to get dry and stuff, while an already-dressed goddess model takes her place and gets to be "risen up to the sky" slash hover one foot above the ground. Lisa then runs back up to the backstage area where she gets re-dressed, re-wigged, and dried off. It seems like a lot of work for a whack concept. We then see Lisa's "flying" portion of the runway show, and then she gets to walk back and forth as her song plays. It's still very windy, and Lisa is actually worried that she might get blown away. That would be the best finale ever. Maybe that's what happened to Angelea? She just got blown off to sea, never to be heard from again, and the show didn't want to deal with the liability factor? That's actually my favorite conspiracy theory yet. Anyway, it's a complete delight slash terror to hear "I Be Like Whoa" again.

Angelea is , and we first see her crying backstage and saying that she doesn't want her nerves to get the best of her. She says she's not even doing this for herself anymore -- it's for her family, and for Buffalo. Angelea knows this will change her life for the better, and doesn't want to mess up. Also, she doesn't want to drown. And she doesn't! Victory. The sheets go up around Angelea and she scurries off and changes, and gets a very tall wig. She is quite concerned about it blowing off of her head. All of the models have masks that are so large you totally can't see their faces. In this all-star situation, it really works. Angelea does her flying, then shimmies and shakes as her pot ledom song plays. Miss J. flies out of his seat and gyrates in a very revealing toga, and we can only be grateful that the camera wasn't six inches to the left.

Finally, there's Allison. She is apparently a very good swimmer! She's underwater practically the whole time as she crosses the pool, and then she runs out of the lifted curtains to get outfitted in her Ghost Brides gown. Allison is most scared of the powerful wind, and we again have a near-miss with J. Alexander's genitals. Allison flies on the flying contraption, and only gets tangled in her skirt and almost blown away once or twice as she walks. But she stays on her feet as "Underwater" plays, and actually looks pretty fabulous. With that, the show is over! Lisa had fun and thinks she did a fabulous job, of course. Backstage there are hugs and high fives, and Jay tells the final three that each of them stood out. Angelea explains to us that she's nervous. This is the end, and she wants this very badly. Allison, meanwhile, hopes that she's not always a Ghost Bridesmaid. She's sick of being runner up, and would actually like to win this shit. And then! After the runway show, Lisa explains that Angelea is not feeling so well. We see her sit down, looking kind of weird and weak. Lisa tells us that this hasn't been Angelea's day. She's not at ease, and her heart's not settled. BUT WHY? Because they needed to create a narrative arc of nefariousness where there was none?

After a commercial break, there are sirens. Seriously, there's a shot of L.A. with sirens. They are warning us of something terrible and wicked that is about to happen! And indeed, we cut to panel, and Tyra explains that they're back in Los Angeles for a special finale that's being conducted under "unusual circumstances." Nigel says, "It turns out that after shooting was wrapped, the production team and network learned information from Angelea that disqualifies her from the competition." ALT asks what this means, and Nigel says that it means they're going to do the final judging with the remaining two girls. In the interest of fairness, the producers and the network thought it best to evaluate Allison and Lisa on their own without the added competition of Angelea. This has to mean that Angelea won initially. Otherwise, why even make a stink about it?

And then of course, there's the question of what happened to disqualify her. Rich quite persuasively argues that the fact that Angelea wasn't used as an example in the "I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS" vein means that whatever caused her disqualification is truly nefarious in a way that would shame the show. Or, the whole thing is a giant publicity stunt engineered to make people actually talk about Top Modelagain. Whatever it is, I hope Angelea is doing okay and somehow managed to get a giant bag of cash (with a dollar sign on it) for all her troubles. She made this season approximately 1,000 times more interesting, and for that we all should thank her. Jay Manuel says that they wish Angelea all the best in her future endeavors. My experience is that whenever you see that particular language, "We wish so-and-so all the best in her future endeavors," it actually means, "So and so was fired. Good riddance. Don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave." I mean, it's a dead giveaway.

So, we're left with this hastily slapped-on crowning that absolutely no one cares about, because now all anybody wants to know is what happened with Angelea. It makes you feel kind of bad for Lisa D'Amato, the winner by default of a tainted prize. Lisa even looks kind of mad as she stands there in her disco gown bustier, white-hot rage beaming out of eyes set deep in her orange face. ALT, Nigel, and Jay Manuel are the judges. Tyra goes over the prizes once again: a fashion story in Vogue Italia, a cover and spread in Beauty in Vogue, a blog on vogue.it, a celebrity guest correspondent gig on Extra, a national Express campaign, being the face of the new ANTM fragrance "Nightmare Come True," and a $100,000 Cover Girl contract.

The judging starts, and not one person in that room can feign excitement. Not even Tyra! Allison looks perfectly lovely and sweet as always, though it would be inaccurate to say that she's quivering with excitement. Nigel tells Allison that he loved her swimming underwater in her runway show, but her walk is still not her strong point. Everyone talks about how Allison failed to work the wind when it blew her skirt all about. Tyra says that the wind is a model's best friend, even when it's threatening to blow you into the sea. Allison wishes she could have been more graceful. Nigel tells Lisa that she was an utter mess in the water. However, she did work the wind and stomped out of the train of her dress without falling and bashing her head on the runway. Victory. Jay says that the audience loved her performance on the runway, which is something you look for in a true top model.

, the judges review the Cover Girl commercials. Nigel tells Allison that she looks really beautiful, and that he can almost feel her talking through her eyes even though they're closed. Jay talks about the struggle with the chatty eyes, and how he made the creative decision to film with Allison's eyes closed a whole bunch. It worked out in this situation. ALT thinks that Allison looked beautiful, but wishes that her articulation of the script had popped a bit more. Tyra agrees that on camera, you have to exaggerate. Lisa's commercial is super-fun and flirtatious, according to Nigel. He thinks it works on many levels. ALT also loved it, and says he felt like Lisa was selling a product. Jay, however, still felt like the commercial could have had more Lisa in it, and Tyra was simply not impressed. She tells Lisa that she was 50% herself, and Cover Girl wants some damn personality. It felt safe to her, which is decidedly off-brand for Lisa.

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ALT saw fabulousness in Lisa's Cover Girl photo, but says that her flaw is that she's overly cocky. Tyra, of course, loves that Lisa is a survivor who has been through hell and back, and also Celebrity Rehab, which is more like purgatory. She thinks that Lisa is an example to young girls that you can get past your crappy circumstances. ALT thinks that Lisa could do the Extra gig, but Nigel points out that in that particular challenge Lisa was the worst and Allison won. Allison also had some spectacular shots in Crete. And then Tyra brings up how Game loved Allison the most. But of course, there is the matter of Allison's crunk eyes. The light is Allison's enemy, which is not so great if you're a model. But I thought this wasn't even about modeling? In any case, the judges have reached a decision. For the second time!

Allison and Lisa return to the panel room. Tyra tells them they've been on quite a journey. And now one of them is going to be the default winner! Allison pretends that she's nervous, and Lisa monotones that her knees are shaking. Tyra says that in fact they should be nervous, because they're about to see the alternate non-Angelea ending of the motion editorial. And Lisa wins. She has the most mellow reaction ever as she pretends to try to squeeze a tear out of her eyes. She says that this is amazing, and she won't let any of the judges down. Allison says that she's happy for Lisa, and is amazed and overwhelmed by all the fans who have reached out to her. She clearly knew things were going to go down this way, and hopefully enjoyed her bonus trip to L.A. Allison is taking art direction and painting very seriously, and hopefully made enough money from this whole thing to get her by for a while. I love how she doesn't even pretend to want to be a model.

Meanwhile, Tyra tells Lisa how much she deserves this, and is an original and a star. Lisa says that she feels incredible, and fake-cries that her confidence actually comes from a very vulnerable place. There are reasons why Lisa did not win the acting challenge. She says that she's not overconfident, but has to lift herself up every day. We look back on Lisa's photos from each week which, in fairness, are not all horrible. Lisa claims that she's not going to let anybody down. Like certain other people who shall not be named. ANGELEA. She be like whoa, and so be we.

And so, the long-awaited all-star season comes to a close in scandal and shame. Angelea, wherever you are, I hope that killing somebody or having an affair with Nigel or over-Tweeting or participating in a giant stunt was worth it! And thank you all for reading over these long weeks. Happy holidays to all you shady bitches out there! I hope you get the Top Model perfume that you put on your wish list!

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The judges deliberate. Tyra says that both Allison and Lisa are strong but very different, and Nigel agrees that they both have something special. Lisa is gutsy, according to Nigel. ALT says that she came in as a rag doll (dressed as a very tacky Mad Hatter, I would add), but Jay says that she had the most personality on the stage in their initial live judging. ALT adds that Lisa started as a ragamuffin, but eventually got better. "Better" -- it's high praise. Tyra says that Allison has had some crazy fans all along, and Nigel adds that she's cool, interesting, weird and odd. Everyone loves her Michael Jackson photo. Jay says that Allison captures people's hearts, and even the photographers who shoot her are drawn in by her look. She's inspiring to everyone who comes around her, especially her fiancé Game. Nigel agrees that Allison has high muse potential. Jay then says that when Lisa steps on set, you want to shoot her. In fact, I would agree with that. He thinks she's the type of superstar who could own the red carpet. Nigel says that Lisa is a jack of many trades. She's a singer, an actress, a performer, a personality. Notice he doesn't mention "model." But he thinks that people will buy into her brand.

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All that Potes want for Christmas is some insider info as to why Angelea was DQ'ed. Tweet her @traciepotes, or email potesypotes@gmail.com.