Hating Ass Bitches

S17E10

The ladies are still in Greece, and decide to turn their attention to bitchery. Angelea has a particular hatred of Dominique, while Lisa comments that Allison looks like she's dead. Tough talk from someone of whom my mom said, 1) [Pointing] "She's old!" 2) [Upon Lisa's appearance] "I haven't found any bones or anything that are nice." Mama Potes: Calling it.

The challenge for a week has the girls judging one another in a mock casting. Though they have some mild criticism in regard to walks and portfolios, things really get gnarly when Miss J. asks each model to name the one girl who doesn't deserve to be there. Laura, Allison, and Lisa refuse to answer. And then there's Dominique. She says that the person who is lacking in all-star confidence is Angelea, who needs to get it together and own it. Angelea does not care for such constructive criticism, and in fact finds it unprofessional. She worked at a bank, so she should know. Laura gets in on the action and talks about how Angelea is guarded, then Lisa adds that Angelea is defensive about everything. Angelea does not want to hear any of it. She walks out with a firm, "Y'all bitches," and tells everyone to kiss her ass. She's crying, Laura's crying, it's a bad scene. Finally, Miss J. collects her and tells her to bring her ass back inside.

The girls fill out a score sheet to determine the weakest and strongest girls overall. Allison is named the weakest! That's crazy! Angelea is right when she says those ladies are some hating-ass bitches. Laura is named the strongest, and Lisa conjectures that it's because no one is threatened by her. She doesn't actually win anything for her meaningless victory. Instead, all of the girls go for a yacht ride with improbably named Greek socialite Twylem Pyper. They swim. Dominique belly flops. And then Twylem takes the ladies to a club. The shots are flowing, but the only one who seems to drink them is Laura. Sadly, no horrible shenanigans result.

For the week's photo shoot, the models have a fashion homage to the Olympic games, shot by Nigel Barker. Dominique does a so-so job throwing a javelin. Allison starts awkward with her discus but gets a little better eventually. Lisa's Olympic event is the hurdles, and though she's at first reluctant to jump Nigel talks her into it. She fears that the judges will pick a bad photo of her, and Nigel is like, "Whatever are you talking about?" I am so sure. Laura has a family history of archery, and looks absolutely lovely even with a veil over her face. And then there's Angelea. She seems to forget some of the basics, like the fact that her face should be turned toward the camera. Her final photo is really good, but Nigel had a difficult time shooting her. The judges also worry that Angelea's emotional/anger issues will erupt at the wrong time, like when she and Mario Lopez are interviewing Angelina Jolie. It could happen. In a different universe, but still. In the end, Laura's photo is named the best, and Angelea and Dominique land in the bottom two. Though all sings pointed to Angelea's exit, her personality (e.g. ability to call a bitch a bitch) saves her, and it's the unmemorable Dominique who gets the boot.

We enter with the ladies returning home to their Greek abode following last week's judging. Dominique's Greek salad photo is displayed as digital art, and even Lisa acknowledges that she looks hot, or as hot as a lady can be as she's doused in olive oil and lounging to a block of feta that's been baking in the sun for hours. Dominique says that she's the dark horse, and she knows a lot of the other girls didn't think she'd be sitting here right now. From experience I say that not a lot of viewers thought she'd be sitting there right now, either. I didn't even remember that she existed prior to the all-star season! I still have my doubts, actually. Dominique reminds us that she has two beautiful children, and says that she's on the show to follow her dreams and produce results and take it all the way. Well, she took it all the way to a giant salad bowl, which I think is far enough.

One person who is conspicuously not praising Dominique's photo is Miss Angelea. She doesn't understand why she's been in the bottom two and Dominique hasn't, particularly since her Greek salad photo shows strength and resilience and flyness amongst the wilted lettuce. Angelea still doesn't believe that Dominique is an all-star. She may have a point there. Angelea also wants people to recognize that, even coming from the ghetto (from the ghetto), she has talent. She knows that she can model, but also says that she's doubting herself. And her mama cries...

Also opening a big bottle of Haterade is Lisa, who doesn't understand why the judges are enraptured by everything Allison does. It's because she's awesome! Shut up! Lisa thinks that Allison looks like she's dead. THAT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING FOR. Also, tough talk, Sophia Petrillo. Lisa of course thinks she's the best all star and has the whole package and should win everything and blah blah blah. Elsewhere, Angelea tells Laura that she didn't think she'd get this far in the competition. Laura interviews that Angelea is lacking self-confidence, and is also very guarded. We cut to Angelea cracking under pressure during the Coco Rocha shoot, and Laura tells us that you can't have any doubt in your mind, because the moment you're not confident is the moment it all goes downhill. Laura just actually spoke some wisdom, people. It's kind of akin to when Jesus appears on the side of a gourd or whatever.

And then there is Tyra Mail! It simply says, "Tomorrow you'll meet with the judges... Fierce and Love, Tyra." But it's way too early for that! Everyone is confuzzled. Laura, who has turned into some kind of wizened soothsayer, says, "Is this a challenge... or a trick?" Maybe she has the sixth sense! Senses one through five are in doubt, however, as she calls this the most scariest (sic) Tyra Mail ever. Having just been in the bottom two, Laura is "escared" to death. With this, we cut to the most scariest credits of all seasons! Help, I am so escared!

When we return, the girls head to the bar of the Blue Palace Resort and Spa, where they meet Miss J. He is wearing a sort of brown toga-muumuu, and his hair is fashioned like a braided curtain tassel. He tells the ladies that they've been judged by the experts, and now it's time to be judged by their peers. Yes, this is the day when all the models are encouraged to bitch at each other! We knew this moment would come. The challenge is set up like a casting, where the girls will walk for one another and go through portfolio review and the like. Wizened soothsayer Laura nails it again when she says, "Oh my gosh, this is gonna be a train wreck." Miss J. encourages the girls not to hold back, under the guise that all-stars must be able to give and take constructive criticism. We then pan back and see that Miss J. is wearing men's dress socks and shoes with his toga and curtain tassle hair. I don't even know anymore, people.

Laura is first to walk, and Dominique says that she's a little country, but is also a white girl with sass. It's the best kind of white girl to be! Angelea tells us that Lisa's walk was sloppy, and adds a definitive, "I can't see her walking on any type of runway ever in life." Even at the airport, someone will be waiting for Lisa with a wheelchair, just so there are no close calls. It's less painful for everyone that way. Lisa gets in her own jabs, saying that she doesn't see Allison having any confidence, and would make her walk again. Angelea walks, but instead of hearing any commentary on the walk itself, Lisa tells us that Angelea gets crabby, and her attitude is really bad. We see Dominique walk, and while Lisa says that she's sexy and confident, Angelea tells her that she tried to give so much attitude that she ended up stumbling. That seems more factual than crabby, but it's certainly not said with kindness. I do have to take a moment here to note that, even though Dominique's inclusion in this lineup has heretofore been a little puzzling to me, she's pretty freaking hot. At this challenge, every other girl looks a total burning mess, and Dominique is turning it out. She's got a banging bod, and seems to have the basics of proper grooming down, unlike the rest of her cohort.

The girls then turn their attention to portfolios. Laura tells Dominique that though her face looks amazing in one shot, her legs make it appear as though she's farting. Even the wisest soothsayer can't consistently maintain a way with words, okay? Dominique doesn't enjoy Lisa's stilt photo, while Angelea doesn't care for Laura's Nene Leakes photo. Miss J. asks Laura how she feels she's doing so far in this competition, and Laura says she's learned so much since her cycle and is really strong, and feels she has a shot at winning it. The trickery continues as Miss J. asks Laura to name one girl who doesn't deserve to win ANTM All-Stars. Laura replies that, even if it means she doesn't win the challenge, she can't say that anyone doesn't deserve to be there. Allison tows the same line as Laura, as does Lisa. I didn't expect that kind of tact from D'Amato, but there you go.

Then we come to Dominique. She begins by saying that she thinks honesty is really, really important. Oh, honesty and realness -- the two most consistently invoked reasons for being a big fat jerk! Dominique says that the person who is lacking in all-star confidence is Angelea. Angelea of course throws her hands up and gets an, "Oh girl, no," look on her face, but is silent for the moment. Dominique continues that she sees much of herself in Angelea, and feels that if you're an all-star, you have to know it, own it, and believe it if you want other people to do the same. You can't just talk it. Dominique's voice wavers as she says that she loves and cares about Angelea, and sees so much more in her. Well, write her a letter and leave it on her pillow. This is not the time, bitch! Angelea, of course, feels attacked. She wonders where it's coming from, and says that it's unprofessional and inconsiderate. She should know, she worked at a bank.

Miss J. asks why Dominique is getting so emotional, and she says it's because she really loves Angelea. Laura picks a very bad moment to pipe in and say that she agrees with some of what Dominique is saying, and that Angelea doesn't see that the other girls care about her because she's so guarded. D'Amato interviews that Angelea will take any commentary as a sort of attack, and is basically a ticking time bomb. And yet, she opens her maw too and joins in. She tells Angelea that her brand is persistence, and yet she doesn't even know what Angelea sells. Fritos? Who cares. Dominique pipes back in to say that this might be difficult to hear now, but Angelea should just let it soak in. Dominique may let it soak in the hole that's about to be punched in her throat. Angelea says that she doesn't need to be schooled by these bitches, and then Laura gets all passionate and starts banging on the table and says that she's mad because Angelea needs to hear that she's a beautiful woman who has talent but doesn't know it. Angelea says that nobody knows her story, and then drops a Zen koan on everyone by noting, "I hear what y'all saying. But I'm not trying to hear it." Try to work it out in your brain a little while and see if it doesn't blow your mind.

Angelea interviews that, out of all the girls, she's the one who's struggled the most, and others don't expect her to succeed or be something other than hood. Miss J. stops Angelea before she can truly go off, then asks her to get up and say who she thinks doesn't deserve to be there. Meanwhile, Lisa tells us that any time Angelea is threatened she gets very passive-aggressive. I would say that she gets aggressive-aggressive, actually. Laura tries to explain to Angelea that she doesn't want her to feel attacked. But, you know, Angelea still feels attacked. She gets mad when she thinks Laura won't let her speak, and says that when she defends herself she looks angry. That's a fair meta critique, actually. Miss J. then reaches to either side of the table and clutches the hands of Laura and Allison. I mean, no one is on the floor in a pool of blood. I think everyone can handle themselves at this moment. Okay, except maybe Allison. This is all too much for Angelea, who storms out of the room while saying, "Y'all bitches. I know what y'all are trying to do. Stupid bitches. Fuck y'all. Fuck all y'all. Kiss my ass. Dumb-ass bitches." They should have kept Bianca around simply because her equivalent rant would have been much more innovative. With that, we head to commercials.

When we return, Laura tells us that she was really mad when Angelea stormed out. But Angelea tells us that she's not buying the whole, "We're only saying this because we love you," line of explanation. I'm with her on that one, actually. Back in the challenge room, Dominique tells Miss J. and the others that what she said to Angelea just now is exactly what she's said to Angelea in private many times. Well, then why rehash? Laura cries and says that she's close to Angelea, and is upset that Angelea doesn't realize that they're trying to give her compliments. In an interview, Dominique gets teary eyed and says that she does see Angelea as having the least potential, because she's not ready yet, emotionally or mentally. Angelea's line of defense is that these bitches know nothing about her. Miss J. comes out for a little heart-to-heart, and Angelea tells him that there are some sneaky bitches in this place. She then says that she can do what Dominique can't do at panel -- namely be herself, and not boring. J. says that Angelea now knows who is being honest with her, and adds that by putting her inside of this moment, which became all about her, she realized that she has the power. I don't...exactly...know what he's saying. But his toga blows way up and the sight of his skinny little chicken legs is just too much for a person to handle. He tells Angelea to get her ass back inside, and she interviews that if she's guarded she has a right to be, because a sneaky bitch will backstab you to get to the top. This episode is rife with wisdom, truly.

Angelea returns, and Miss J. asks who she thinks has the least potential to be America's Top Model All-Star. Angelea then looks at everyone and says, "None of 'em." I don't know if she means that none of them has the least potential to be the ultimate all-star, or that none of them doesn't have the least potential to be an all-star. And now I have just blown my own mind again. It's a mental workout figuring what these people are saying much of the time. Angelea interviews that she believes she can win this. Just like her song says, she's been kicked down time again, but here she stands ready to win. She ain't going nowhere, people. Let's hope not, or shit would get really dull up in this joint. As the ladies fill out score sheets on each other denoting who has the best runway walk, portfolio, and overall star quality, Lisa tells us that Angelea has a mild case of "everybody owes me." She doesn't think Angelea is ready for it all just yet. In turn, Angelea tells us that she's not looking for anybody's validation. Dominique points out that you can't just storm out of a room anytime someone says something that you don't like. Really? I've been doing it wrong all these years, I guess.

By Potes

With that, it's time to tally the scores. J. announces that Allison was named the girl who is overall the weakest. She is really saddened by this news, but I think she should actually be happy since this is total evidence of sneaky bitchery. Angelea agrees with me, and sums it up with, "Y'all is some hating-ass bitches." Couldn't have said it better! Laura was voted the girl who is the strongest. That is lies. Especially in this moment, when she looks like a hand-me-down rag doll spattered in bacon fat. I mean, Laura is a pretty girl, but she has been especially busted in Greece. Lisa is unsurprised that Laura is first, since no one considers her a threat. Poor Allison and Laura, not realizing how these things really work.

Appropriately enough, Laura wins no prize. Instead, Miss J. says that the girls have been under a lot of stress, so have a treat in store. Greek's most famous socialite, the improbably named Twylem Pyper, is going to treat the girls to a day of VIP celebrity shenanigans. The girls meet Twylem on her boat. She is skeletal and haggard, as aging female socialites are wont to be. Sorry, Paris, but it's true. She asks the ladies if the competition has been tough, and they agree that it hasn't been boring. We cut back to Angelea, telling us that she doesn't appreciate other girls trying to psychologize her. And "psychologize" is actually a real word! Angelea: also wiser than she appears. At the end of the day, says Angelea, all of the other ladies fear her. That's mostly because she looks intimately familiar with knuckle sandwich delivery technology, I think.

Twylem delivers the itinerary for the day, which involves swimming in a lovely cove and then going out for the evening. She yells, "We are gonna party!" with her skeleton voice and it is terrifying. The girls take turns launching from the boat's diving board, which makes me quite jealous. Dominique is not such a fantastic swimmer, and belly flops, which must be satisfying to Angelea. Laura explains that she's scared of swimming and has water anxiety, which was exacerbated by the underwater challenge in her cycle. Tyra Banks: Giving young women lifelong phobias since 2003. But Laura jumps and survives, depriving us of yet another dramatic moment.

The girls arrive at Agios Nikolaos in Crete, and head into the Café Puerto bar. Dominique explains to us that Twylem is a really fun alcoholic. It's part of the Greek culture, which is maybe why there's all that plate-smashing. Twylem keeps bringing the ladies shots of something involving strawberries. By her own count, Allison tosses 25 of them over her shoulder. As Laura throws a few back, Lisa tells us that she chooses not to drink because she wants to be healthy. Also because Dr. Drew is watching. She thinks that the winner should be someone who can handle themselves in any situation. Cut to Laura dancing seductively while looking very, very sweaty. Really, though, I think Laura's fine. Otherwise we would follow her journey of alcohol poisoning to its logical conclusion. Nice try, show! I'm glad she's feeling better, though. Dominique and Lisa dance, and Angelea tells us that it's fine for them to have their opinions. They said what they had to say, and Angelea said what she had to say. However, says Angelea, the biggest obstacle that she's had to overcome is believing that she deserves to be there, and not listening to the negative voice in her head that says she doesn't. Her biggest obstacle is Angelea. The greatest love of all is also inside of her, so expect a good vs. evil battle imminently.

By Potes

Lisa's Olympic sport is the hurdles. She tells us that she did the hurdles in high school, so knows what she's doing. However, the panel is sick of seeing her jumping and doing the splits, which provides her with a conundrum. She gets on set, and Nigel tells her to imagine that she's going after an antelope in her long, sheer black gown. I mean, why not? She starts off just posing, and Nigel asks her to actually jump. Lisa explains that she's nervous about jumping because of the panel's reaction. She's trying to be safe, because she thinks that if there's a bad shot the judges might pick that for panel. Nigel tells the biggest lie of his career (including "that red weave is really slimming, Tyra") when he says, "That's absurd... first of all, that's not how it works." I mean, come on now. He then tells Lisa that he specifically picked this Olympic event for her, and she's holding herself back. Lisa says, "Well do you want me to get back up there? Let's do it." And then Nigel looks totally turned on and it's so gross I want to die. He actually pants a little. Lisa then starts jumping, and Nigel tells her it's truly beautiful. Lisa accepts that her special skill is jumping, and Jay approves.

Laura is , and looks absolutely gorgeous in a brown dress with a veil over her face. Her Olympic sport is archery, and she tells Nigel that her sister is actually very good with a bow and arrow. Nigel says he's not surprised about this, and Laura simply replies, "We gotta eat!" Oh, the poor squirrels in the town or holler or coal mine where she lives. Laura is a little concerned about the net on her face, but says that she must push through it instead of hiding behind it. She looks beautiful, and Jay compares her to Athena. Nigel agrees that she's giving warrior princess. He tells us that Laura came to set and really delivered, even with the mask. As she's exiting set, Laura tells Nigel that her sister can kill with a bow and adds, "Best photo, right?"

Finally there's Angelea, who has a little purse to use for a shot put. Or as she calls it, "Pit shot." Have these ladies never even turned on the TV during the Olympics? She tells us that some of the girls underestimate her, but she likes being the underdog and is going to keep fighting. Nigel demonstrates the shot put, and Angelea has her doubts about how this whole thing is going to work. The shoot begins and Angelea poses facing the sea. The problem with that is that she's not facing Nigel. He says very tactfully, "I mean, without being obvious, you've got your back to me. I would love to take a picture of your face." Oh, Angelea. She's also a bit lost with the pit shot, and Nigel says that she was so awkward and without flow that she was difficult to photograph. Nigel tries to goad her into elegance, and actually has to physically position her, like that one task that you have to do in Cranium. Nigel asks Angelea to give drama, and then she keeps losing her arms. Angelea tells us that she's struggling to find her angles, but it's not looking good. As Angelea stumbles, it's a wrap.

Back at the model house, there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone is headed home. Dominique says, "What if we are the judges and we have to eliminate?" Angelea WILL NOT HAVE THAT. Dominique is very nervous, and notes that on her original season, she went home during a photo shoot with Nigel. Allison also has a bad feeling. She hasn't been in the bottom two yet, and notes that this would be a bad time to start. Angelea, meanwhile, says that her shoot was awkward and she didn't do so well. She predicts that she'll be in the bottom two and may be going home, and that the only thing that may save her is her personality. With these prescient words, we head to commercials.

When we return, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. Miss J. is the guest judge. Allison is up first for evaluation with her discus shot. Tyra loves the energy and thinks the whole thing is fashion while still being kind of athletic. She likes the awkwardness. ALT, however, is appalled that Allison's heel is sinking into the ground. He describes it as a terrible, terrible moment. Somebody get him the smelling salts! Miss J. likes the silhouette of Allison's body and her kewpie doll eyes. Allison honestly seems surprised at all of the positive remarks. Lisa is , and Nigel says that her photo is gorgeous. Tyra adds that she sees hurdles as well as high fashion, instead of Lisa just jumping like a fool and displaying her vag to the world per usual. ALT says that Lisa is athletic and it is her brand, and that the picture would have been fabulous for him if she had straightened her foot. No one mentions Lisa's biggest hurdle: the face.

Dominique is , and sports her curly hair again. Miss J. says that Dominique's photo is a bit awkward for him, but Nigel says that it's very difficult to pretend to throw a javelin in high heels on a rocky surface. I think it's actually a pretty cool picture. ALT says that Dominique is coming off as a warrior princess rather than an Olympian, and has a weak leg to boot. Upon Nigel's defense of Dominique, he adds that this is the first time he's ever heard a photographer making an excuse for a model. Tyra liked Dominique's film, but says that she didn't really nail a shot. Angelea and the pit shot are . Miss J. says it looks like she's asking her friend to hold her bag. ALT loves it, though, and says that not only is her heel not sinking into the dirt, but the whole thing is high fashion. Nigel points out that Angelea's straight limbs work in this shot, but a lot of her pictures were very stilted. Angelea says that she's not a very athletic person, and Tyra tells her that the best models know how to fake anything. This shoot was dead and smizeless, and she lucked into something decent.

Laura is , and her photo is fab. Nigel calls it stunning, and adds that Laura had a great attitude and great ideas. She also powered through the mask. ALT agrees that it's a beautiful picture, but dislikes her pointy knee. Tyra appreciates the fact that Laura is smizing at the person she's about to kill. Or the muskrat that she's about to put in a stew. Overall, a solid performance from Laura.

The judges deliberate. The shot of Allison is great, but Nigel says that the process to get there was rather painful, and being athletic is not in Allison's comfort zone. Tyra likes the weirdness, but ALT sees modern interpretive dance and doesn't think it's successful. Miss J. loves Laura's photo, and can see her expression through the veil. Nigel says that Laura is fun and exciting and actually amuses you with funny stories of rat stew. Tyra quite enjoys Laura's photo, as well as the fact that she's not a twig. ALT is not super excited about Lisa's photo. Miss J. loves the fluidity and gracefulness, but finally points out that she has a dead face. Nigel and Tyra both think that the face is dreamy and different for Lisa, and works in the picture. Tyra thinks she looks fantastic, and is so confused by this that she calls ALT "Nigel."

Dominique gave warrior princess, according to ALT, which was not the assignment. Miss J. thinks that she looks beautiful, but the picture could use a little extra. Nigel says that Dominique has no fire. She is so fireless, in fact, that he forgot about Dominique's shoot by the end of the day. It's the old standby, but in this case it might actually be true. Tyra says that Dominique might not be the most memorable person, but she's professional and has been taking kick-ass pictures throughout. Angelea rocks her photo, according to ALT. Nigel says that she has the potential to be a star, but he had to work very hard to get this picture. Miss J. tells everyone about how angry she was at the challenge and how she called all the girls sneaky bitches. Tyra tries to imagine Angelea as an Extra correspondent (one of the prizes!) after having a bad day. Mario Lopez is a hating-ass bitch, I bet. He deserves it. But the judges wonder how she'd handle a situation where she may have to angrily interview Angelina Jolie on the red carpet. First of all, no one is letting Angelea get near Angelina Jolie. There is no second of all.

The models return. Five lovely ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has four photos in her hands. Those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming the ANTM All-Star. Laura gets best photo, and seems pleased as possum punch. Allison is called , followed by Lisa. This leaves Angelea and Dominique in the bottom two. Dominique looks so pretty at panel, I can't even tell you. The body, people! I don't know when or why I became a Dominique defender. It's very strange and mysterious. Tyra tells Dominique that she's taken beautiful photos week after week, but the judges are struggling with the fact that she's not memorable. They're wondering if the fans watching Top Model are going to be rooting for Dominique because she has an extra special something. Then there's Angelea. She's taken some so-so photos, but is certainly memorable. However, she's often memorable for nearly punching other people in the throat. It makes people nervous, is what Tyra is saying.

By Potes

So who stays in the competition? It's Angelea! Oh, yay. I would miss her so if she were gone, and am fundamentally rooting for her in a general life sense. Tyra hugs Dominique, and tells her to be memorable. Great advice, Tyra. Great advice. Over her viral hit, "Tooch Ya Booty," Dominique says that she's happy to go home to her husband and kids, even though she's disappointed about the outcome of the competition. She wanted to win, but accepts the fact that her journey is something different. She stays true to her dream and who she is, and with that in mind -- along with the advice to work her salad -- she can't go wrong. So long, whoever you are! If we can manage to remember that you exist, we'll miss you from time to time.

week: Tyra directs the girls in a crazy-looking shoot, and Tyson Beckford makes a shirtless appearance. Also, Angelea works on her sob story!

Potes is planning to tooch her turkey this Thanksgiving! Email her your favorite stuffing recipe (sans nuts, which will kill her) to potesypotes@gmail.com, or tweet @traciepotes.