In just one week the Chelsey/Ann showdown will commence, and we will learn who has the chops to be the show's first faux-legit winner! If any of you have missed any of the fun along the way -- I know I sure haven't, because my job is to see the fun in a timely fashion -- tonight's for you. There's high fashion madcappery, and fourteen wannabe models who transformed into wannabe fashionistas. To give credit where credit is due, though, there were some big-time designers and photographers and Franca Sozzanis. Additionally, there were absurd runway challenges! There were tears! And tonight, we're going to relive it all, as well as some never before seen moments. So grab your bowl of coke -- it's the cycle 15 recap recap!
Tyra opens the episode by telling us that this was a cycle of firsts. As such, it was only fitting that this cast was the first to live at the beach -- Venice Beach, to be exact. And from the start, the girls were pretty stoked about their house. They walked on their built-in runway, gazed out from the giant front window, and played in their sandbox room. And then why don't we have bumpkin Kendal -- remember her? -- tell us her favorite part: "The shower in the shower. You pick up the showerhead, you get to...you know. Bathe yourself." Is that a euphemism? After the girls were settled into their palace, it was time to lay down the house rules. A gaggle of girls including Kendal, Liz, Kayla, and the Tweedle Sisters confessionalize that rule number one is no double dipping. Cut to the queen of food issues, Anamaria, double dipping a fork into the salsa jar after she licked it. She claims that she wiped it. The replay shows that she did indeed wipe it...with her finger. Given the germs breeding in the throat down which her finger was previously, I don't think that's sanitary at all. Chris says that she loves salsa, and wants to eat salsa, but isn't going to touch it given the nastiness that has ensued. Oh, cut Anamaria a break -- that's all three meals for the day! Anamaria coughs into her fork-wiping hand for emphasis.
The girls really enjoyed the boardwalk in front of their house, and in some never-before-seen footage, Lexie visits a tarot card reader to see whether or not she'll come out on top. Lexie interviews that this is the time of times to check in with the spiritual realm about her chances of victory. The tarot card reader tells Lexie that there's going to be a woman involved who's very controlling and a little bit bossy. And who loves to eat ribs! To win, Lexie must get a few other people to help her, one of whom may wear a giant sequined cloak and the other of whom is a noted fashion photographer in quotes. Lexie tells us that the tarot lady said everything she read was positive, which just goes to show that you should put no truck in that sort of thing.
The first photo shoot was high-concept nonsense, with the girls having a word used to bully them written on their body and perhaps misspelled, and then the "answer" to that word also written on the flesh. Tyra had a heart to heart with Ann, and learned how badly she had been bullied throughout her life. Apparently Ann's friends would point out when people said shit behind her back, which maybe was not a good call on their part since Ann just ended up getting more hurt. Tyra tells Ann to tell her friends to protect her and go the other way instead of pointing out the jerks. Ann's bullying word was giant, but her power word was "Amazon." She explains that Amazons are cool, while giants are not even jolly all the time.
Kayla, meanwhile, also found that this topic hit close to home. What we didn't see was how Jay connected with Kayla before her shoot. If you'll recall, Kayla's word was "queer." When she talks to Jay about it, she starts crying and says that she's afraid to see the word on her body. She knows how powerful the word is, and says that the bullying was really bad. Jay's impressed that she's going with that word. In high school, Kayla says, some people would mumble the word "queer" and it hurt her very much, so she was nervous about taking on the responsibility of having it all over her body. But she did it and, if I recall, rocked it. Terra -- e.g. Tweedledum -- had her nerves get the better of her, while Anamaria had the overconfidence and bitchery that comes from extreme hunger.
There were concerns about Anamaria's too-thin body, and Jay even had to emphatically correct her when she said she was trying to get lean. Anamaria didn't give a shit what anyone else said. She knows how she feels, and that's all that matters. Though Anamaria had the face of a model, the judges worried that her photo sent the wrong message to young women. What we didn't see previously was the girls' backstage jitters, filmed in the holding room. As you may have guessed, we're seeing them now. Kacey asks Anamaria if what the judges said pissed her off. Anamaria says that she likes how she looks. While some girls like to see boobs on themselves, Anamaria likes to see pure clavicle. Lexie asks Anamaria if she sees their point, which is that they're not calling Anamaria anorexic, but apparently are saying that Anamaria exudes an anorexic look. That's like Simon Doonan telling cycle 2's Catie that she has ho style. Aw, I wish he would come back. Anamaria does not answer, and we fade back to panel, where she's eliminated.
Back in the house, Liz talks to her daughter, Kira. Tyra tells us that trying to be a top model wasn't easy for the girls who have babies back home. We see Sara similarly bawling after talking to her son. Meanwhile, Jane wasn't thinking about a baby. She was thinking about baby, baby, baby, oh baby. Yes, this Princeton student is calling home and nagging someone as to whether they got Justin Bieber tickets. To her credit, she seems to realize that this is a dumb-ass move. We are reminded that Jane had a wholesome, suburban upbringing. Footage of her at the semifinals also assures us that sometimes Tyra really does know what she's doing. Jane got a whole lot more gorgeous as she progressed through the competition. I think she maybe gained weight, in a good way, and somehow lost the bottom third of her front teeth. Jane says that she tends to come across as an Ivy League rich girl, just because she has a horse. Additionally, she doesn't think that coming from a well-to-do background is a bad thing. I maintain that it's a bad thing only if you're an asshole about it, which Jane doesn't seem to be. What we didn't see was the girls trying to give Jane some urban edge. Ha! Liz and Kayla decide to make Jane a thug, and so put her hair into little braids, tie a bandana around her forehead, and give her about five tattoos drawn with eyeliner. Then someone sticks tinfoil in her mouth. Jane says that she just embraced it, and everyone else cracks up as she tries to strike a tough pose.
When the real makeover day arrived, there were the usual tears and surprises. Kayla had a ketchup-colored bowl of hair dye, while Liz complained about how her new, manlier hair didn't compliment her already manly self. But the biggest surprise came when the girls found out that one of them was going home then and there. It was Terra who got the boot. Her sister, Chris, had no time for pouting, because the photo shoot required extreme focus. The girls were fallen angels in holsters, flipping about in the breeze and being separated from their mortal lovers. Sara could not capture the emotion of the shoot, and her A-game was missing. Kendal also couldn't manage to summon any of the needed sultriness. At panel, the judges were disappointed in almost everyone's performance. However, it was Sara who was eliminated after failing to prove that she could take a strong photo. Remember how they bleached out her eyebrows? She didn't stand a chance. Please ruminate on how pretty she was as we head to commercials.
When we return, the ladies are having a smoke-filled barbeque featuring the male models from the fallen angel photo shoot. You may remember that the evening was quite awkward, but what we haven't seen until now is the real reason that the boys bounced. One word: Myrtle. Myrtle is Chris's harelipped alter nerd ego. In kind of a terrifying manner, Chris screams, "Myrtle. Doesn't. Model!" The guys are totally horrified. This should go on the website hownottogetlaid.org. Myrtle interviews that when the dudes came in, she told them the truth: "Don't you eat any of my food!" This is like early Carol Burnett mixed with a cheesy '80s horror film. The guys are all like, "Ladies, it's been real." Kacey interviews that the way the guys left was weird before saying, "Dammit, Myrtle." Myrtle is the ultimate cockblocker.
So, you know how ANTM always casts a house full of slobs? This season was no exception. And Lexie got really tired of cleaning. She announces that she hates everyone. Kayla confessionalizes that nobody asked Lexie to clean or write notes about cleaning on paper plates. Kayla is not afraid of Lexie's mouth. It's now time to see the two hard-knocks white girls get into it! There is yelling and screaming to infinity. Chris just sits there shaking her head and thinking, "Are you for real?" I think she and Liz are having cocktails as they watch the action as well. I mean, what else would you do? Maybe pick up a sponge and start wiping something down.
The photo shoot was a beauty shoot filled with slimy sea creatures and gorgeous jewelry. Famed photographer Matthew Rolston was on hand to tell the girls which parts of them were asymmetrical. Sleepy Rhianna said things like "overwhelmed with joy" and "it's so surreal, I'm like, floating" and, despite all genetic odds, was not a very good model. Her flower child persona didn't mesh well with the creative of the day. At panel, the judges agreed that Rhianna was not versatile enough to cut it as a top model, and she was eliminated. Let's hope she gets work in a Drew Barrymore tribute band.
As you may remember, Kacey was a particularly unpopular character in the house. Lexie and Liz both had their moments with her. But what we didn't see was Chris getting into it with Kacey about some missing margarita mix. Why aren't these girls drinking Skinnygirl cocktails? It turns out that Kacey told someone that Chris drank a bottle of alcohol. Chris is upset about this accusation because she's only 20, and doesn't want to get kicked out of this competition for drinking alcohol, when she didn't. And here I was, accusing her of having a cocktail in the last scene! I guess it was root beer. Chris confronts Kacey about this terrible slander, and Kacey doesn't understand why Chris is making such a big deal out of it. Then, however, Chris screams at Kacey that she should drop it. I think this is the usual situation, where both of them are assholes. The screaming continues, and Chris interviews that she's over Kacey, and that Kacey should go be a hermit in her little bed like she used to. I wonder what Myrtle thinks of this.
There's never a dull moment at the Top Model house, and especially not when they have a primo view of Venice Beach. Jane is just walking around the house when Lexie yells that there's a naked man streaking on the beach. Given that this is Venice Beach, Jane tells us that there's a good chance this naked man is also crazy, so she runs to see what's up. Everyone gathers around to watch as the butt-naked dude rolls around in the sand, and then squats as two unfortunate female police officers have to deal with him. Finally, the officers somehow get him laid out on the back of their SUV, and Lexie deems it the best people watching they've ever had.
Ann is a native Texan and, despite her bone-thin frame, was an aficionado of southern delicacies such as the fried Oreo. I didn't even know you could make those homemade! Here's the recipe: take a double-stuffed Oreo, dip it in pancake batter, then fry it up in a pan of vegetable oil. Ann says that they're really good, because the cookie turns soft. I can't claim that I've ever had a deep-fried Oreo, but I can see the appeal. I don't hate on fried anything. Kacey admits that the deep-fried Oreo is pretty delish. The others wonder if this is her strategy to fatten them up. Seriously, only if you have Ann's metabolism can you have that shit for dinner.
Obviously, these girls need some nutritional guidance, and who better to give it to them than healthy supermodel Karolina Kurkova? She has vegetables and fruit and puts them all in a shake. Visions of deep-fried Oreos dance in the models' heads. It's hard to doubt Karolina's wisdom, when she still looks like she's 17. Kacey says that she'd rather have the deep-fried Oreo, but now that she's a model she has to make the right choices, at least on film.
And then it's time for some never-before-seen footage from the conveyor belt runway challenge! Miss J. tries to give the girls some advice on their walks. He tells Jane that she walks like she's afraid and needs to pick up her pace. That's not exactly super-thrilling advice, and frankly you should be afraid when you're walking in heels on a conveyor belt. We see Chelsey stumble like Gumby, and Liz almost breaking an ankle, and Lexie teetering and tottering, and Jane falling down the stairs once she gets off of the moving runway. It was bad times, and exemplifies why you have to sign away your life to be on a reality show -- because they try to kill you.
The photo shoot had everybody ready to rumble as the girls posed with crazy characters from Lucha VaVoom wrestling. Photographers Moshe and Eddie Brakha were on hand to make everyone feel creeped-out. Jane tried to capture the necessary aggression during her shoot, but instead gave pin-up girl. Lexie, meanwhile, looked like a homeless transvestite country singer hooker, or at least like she had homeless transvestite country singer hooker style. She was understandably eliminated.
After a commercial break, Liz and Chris continue to try to give Jane a little bit of soul. This time, it's in the form of a dance lesson. They try to get Jane to clap her hands to the beat, and shake her hips, and then suddenly Jane drops it like it's hot. Chelsey cracks up, and Chris says that Jane would not survive in the black club. This cycle, as you might remember, is all about high fashion, and before the girls had a shoot with famed picture-taker Patrick Demarchelier they had a very important fitting with super stylist Lori Goldstein. Lori drones compliments at the girls as they walk in her hideous styles. Meanwhile, some of the girls WHO KNOW NOTHING can't quite remember how to pronounce the last name "Demarchelier." Now I understand why Chelsey is in the final two. She is shocked that no one has heard of him, given that he's practically a household name. In the words of Michael Kors, Hello! Read a magazine!"
With everybody looking fly, it was time for the Demarchelier shoot on Rodeo Drive. Tyra wasn't about to miss this one, and was on set in her newsboy duds. Kayla struggled for the first time in the competition. Not only did she have trouble in front of the camera, but chatting up Patrick behind the scenes caused her problems as well. She asks if he's excited about today, and then Patrick mumbles a French-accented something, which Kayla interprets as, "The more you're alive the better you look." There is some wisdom to that, I guess. She's trying very hard to understand what he's saying, but doesn't quite get there. It's even more awkward than Myrtle at a barbeque. Meanwhile, Kacey had a total disconnect with her Jane plus male model group during the shoot. It was so bad that Patrick had to yell at her to wake up. The panel wasn't impressed either, and Kacey was sent home.
Once Kacey was out of the picture, the girls took the opportunity to do some posing homework, and ignited a little chemistry with each other. Some of the girls play male models while the others are female models. Uh oh, this is like when I had my Barbie dolls also play Ken, because I never had any actual Ken dolls. I mean, who would waste money on Ken? Chelsey almost gets tongue from Kayla AND Liz, while Esther and Ann still act like they're at a sixth grade dance, even though Ann claims not to be uncomfortable at all. Kayla confessionalizes that she doesn't want to say that temptation is all around her but man, it's not as easy as it looks. I can't believe she didn't turn anyone this season. Or wait, maybe she did! Liz was determined not to let the posing exercise go to waste, and decided to cozy up to her competition. Liz grabs Kayla and pulls her into the closet, and after Kayla gives a chaste kiss to her permanently injured head, Liz says that Kayla should kiss her lips instead. Kayla, who had just gotten off the phone with her girlfriend, felt a little uncomfortable, while Chris says, "I done found out some things!" Kayla demonstrates to Chelsey how Liz tried to get a little nook-nook, and Chelsey seems scandalized. Kayla says that her girlfriend is going to be pissed, which I don't think is true since Kayla acted perfectly honorably.
Once Liz found her, ahem, swagger, she put it to good use at a photo shoot with photographer Francesco Carrozzini. If you'll recall, she dressed in drag as John Galliano and killed it, despite having no idea who Galliano is. Meanwhile, Kendal and Esther both failed in a miserable, blank, dead-eyed kind of way. In the end, Kendal's gorgeous features couldn't make up for her lack of commitment, and she was sent back to the top of the mountain or wherever.
After a commercial break, the remaining seven girls had an in-house visit from big-time designer Zac Posen, who maybe takes himself a little seriously. In a Q&A session, Chelsey asked Zac what inspired his newest collection. Zac replied, "When I create...my collection, Zac Posen. I'm creating for the women who live and breathe high fashion. That love it, that create trend. And so I wanted to create a clothing...that really felt like a new American look for a new America." First of all: trend, singular. First and a half: a clothing, singular. And second, I guess new America is poorer America, but still not so poor that you can't spend $400 on a pair of pants. Zac then takes a look at the girls' walks. Chris has too many hands, Jane needs to relax and bring her shoulders back, Esther has to watch out for fish face, and Ann is full of nervous tension. J. asks Ann for fierce attitude, which in turn scares Zac Posen. Good.
The girls then walked in a Zac Posen Z Spoke fashion show, in which there were fittings to be done, walks to assessed, and planted beeyotches to be dealt with. Our models didn't know that the other models in the show were instructed to be mean girls. I'm sure it was a real stretch for them, too. One of the mean models tells Esther and Jane that she hopes both of them fall on their faces. Esther just smiles at her, but in an interview remarks that what she said wasn't very nice. During the actual show, no one fucked things up beyond repair. What we didn't see was panel's very own ALT giving the girls kudos backstage. He tells Chris that she was throwing high fashion, and congratulates everyone for not falling. The bar is very low. ALT is deeply in love with Zac Posen, and has spent nights in his studio picking up the pins and sweeping the floor with his mother. I assume that the mother also had a broom as opposed to being the broom.
After the incredible thrill of the Zac Posen runway show, the girls had to deal with humiliation on roller skates in the form of a commercial for fictional H2T water, directed by Nigel Barker. Ann fell. A lot. It's really amazing that she came out of that experience with all of her bones intact. More generally, things were not so pretty. Jane stumbled a lot, as did Chelsey, though it doesn't seem that either of them actually hit the pavement. And then there was the overall inability to remember and/or recite a series of about five given lines. Dreck. I. Tude. At panel, it was decided that Esther fell flat and had yet to meet her potential. She was sent home, but first she had to say goodbye, in extra-long format. We see her hugging the panel, hugging the girls, making speeches, and thanking people repeatedly. Good for her for getting four more episodes-worth of dullness in!
It was then time for the girls to say arrivederci to Venice Beach and ciao to Venice, Italy! After the long flight the girls checked into their fly hotel and a bird promptly pooped on Liz. That bird spoke for all of us, really. Liz screamed and complained, and for some reason all of the bird shit spots on her arms were pixilated out. Really, FCC? Jane also got a little bird shit in her hair, but took it in stride. Ann laughed and laughed. This wasn't the first time in the competition that Liz was guilty of complaining, and in fact a montage with built-in complaint counter puts her total at 29 complaints. I want to get my Count laugh on right now. One of Liz's complaints is about her nipples, and another is about getting her license unsuspended, and another is about buying $30 worth of milk a month. And that's just a sampling! Chelsey puts it best when she tells us that Liz is a mess.
The first Italian photo shoot was set on the spectacular Venice canals, with a real-life Casanova and a boat. Jane impressed everyone with a dynamic, breathless beauty that heretofore had not been seen in her shoots. I'm sure she'd credit that with being a history major. Meanwhile, Liz continued to complain -- at least three additional complaints, according to the counter! -- and couldn't embrace the theme of the day. Liz was uncomfortable on the shoot, and it showed. She was sent home after almost fainting from heat. That complaint at least was legit.
After a commercial break, it's time for go-sees in Milan. As you may remember, the girls got really, really lost. Jane and Chris try to catch a bus but wait on the wrong side of the street, which is sort of a metaphor for their whole go-see experience. Chris tells us that she doesn't want to ask people for directions, which is frankly a really bad strategy. She gets over it enough to let Jane ask people for directions. Oh, but then they either get bad directions or can't read, and end up at a place called "Versus." They didn't win the challenge, needless to say.
Chelsey did win the go-see challenge, and on her birthday no less! The remaining girls plan a surprise party, which involves making Chelsey believe that Chris fell in the kitchen. When Chelsey comes running to help, happy birthday is sung! There are gifts, which is a good news, and a cake with candles that read "23." That's not such good news. But she can drink champagne! That's good news again. Chelsey is happy, even though she has at least half a foot in the grave.
The photo shoot had the models portraying marble statues coming to life at the capable hands of a sexy sculptor. Jane showed a crack in her usual stony persona, and burst into tears at Nigel's criticism. Meanwhile, Chris had a busted foot, and the pain showed in her face. Nigel thought she looked like she had signed out. The judges didn't see passion in Chris's photo. Tyra takes pains to tell us that they all agreed that Chris should look into acting. I mean, if Myrtle isn't an audition, what is? When Chris went home to pack, she literally tried to steal the show, or at least some food and drinks. Sadly for her, the pictures were mounted on the wall pretty well.
The moment of truth arrived for the final four when they met with Franca Sozzani, editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia. Their challenge was to present themselves to Franca as ALT lurked and watched. Chelsey impressed Franca the most with her tales of living in Idaho, and chose Kayla to spend the evening with her in a luxurious seven-star hotel. Gucci was across the street, which was cause for celebration, and there was a double shower with oven mitt loofahs. Chelsey tells us that she wanted to share her prize with Kayla, since the two of them are less accustomed to the good life than Ann and Jane. We saw the girls have a champagne toast, but didn't see Miss J. arrive to give them some private walking instruction. Can't these bitches get even one night away? J. shows the girls what not to do, which involves no copious straightening out of their garments or walking too fast. Kayla enjoys the lesson, even though J. accuses her of swatting a fly when she tries to give a little flair. It happens.
, Tyra met the final four at an amazing villa to shoot a stunning motion editorial directed by herself. Tyra wore a straw hat, and was blown away with everyone's posing in motion. At panel, the decision was especially difficult given that it was a double elimination. Chelsey was sexy, believable and raw, while ALT doubted if Kayla was high fashion and Nigel thought Jane needed an out of body experience to make her realize the value and importance of working it. Despite all odds, Ann did sexy very well, and ALT thought some force of nature was propelling her. After looking at everyone's body of work, Tyra said, the choice seemed clear. And thus Ann and Chelsey were in the final two, and Kayla and Jane said goodbye.
Now, only two bitches remain! They are Ann, the shy and awkward girl with the statuesque couture photos from Dallas, Texas, and Chelsey, the hard-working, freckled, beautiful pale beauty from Boise, Idaho. And in mere days we will learn which one of them is America's Top Model!