The episode begins with Tyra and some guys in hazmat suits coming to the models' house to quarantine it on account of extreme nastiness. There are dirty dishes and clothes everywhere and ants, and Tyra tells the models that it's condemned and they can't live there anymore. But this is okay, because they're going to be moving to the fashion capital of… Hawaii? In some ways it's kind of refreshing that they're not even trying to appear legitimate anymore. It also seems like this all might just be an excuse for Tyra to show off her new bikini body in a backyard luau.
Once in Hawaii, the girls move into yet another amazing house. Newsflash: Erin is incredibly annoying. This of course must come as a shock to you. The girls head to the beach to meet surfers/models Sofia Beschen and Buzzy Kerbox. They will get surfing lessons, which ostensibly will help them with balance and body awareness. They manage to ride some waves fairly capably, and sadly there are no sharks in sight. As the models ruminate on their beachy fun, Jay shows up to remind them that they're not on vacation. It's time for a photo shoot challenge. The girls will have to surf in tandem with a couple of hot dudes, and must try to work it on the waves. Poor Laura burns to a crisp like a piglet in a skillet (her own words! Who fries a piglet?) before our eyes, despite wearing SPF 80. Generally, this challenge is a very wobbly affair, and it is Erin who deservedly wins. She gets a helicopter tour of the island of Maui, and chooses Brittany and Nicole to accompany her despite hating both of them. The tour looks pretty awesome, but Erin is disappointed that she hasn't won "a thing." She annoys everyone by saying this, because of course she comes off as a spoiled brat. Nonetheless, she maintains that she'd rather have jewelry.
And then there's this. The girls head to a sugarcane field for their photo shoot, and learn that Tyra is their photographer yet again. She and Jay explain that there are a lot of biracial kids in Hawaii -- known as "hapa" -- and for this week's shoot the girls will have to portray a blending of two very different and distinct races. Laura is Mexican and Greek; Erin is Tibetan and Egyptian; Sundai is Moroccan and Russian; Brittany is Native American and East Indian; Jennifer is Botswanan and Polynesian; Nicole is Malagasy and Japanese. Basically, the models are in blackface. And the styling involves, for example, Brittany wearing a giant headdress and a bindi. And, um… is this okay? Really? In any event, Nicole is once again perfect, and Jennifer also does well. Laura picked a good week to get sunburned since she's covered in brown makeup. She does just fine. Sundai looks like a fierce 12-year old in a Gap Kids ad, but manages to squeak by. Erin and Brittany are in the bottom two. Despite Erin being an insecure pill, she manages to hang on for another week as Brittany gets sent back to nerd world.
Previously: There was teleprompter trickery and madness galore at an Insider interview challenge, while the Cover Girl commercial had the girls going from stiff (Rae) to stressed out (Erin). In the end, we knew that Rae's no personality edit had doomed her from the start. Six bitches remain!
In the post-elimination limo, Jennifer tells Erin that she knew she'd be in the bottom two but wouldn't be sent home. It's this type of passive-aggressive camaraderie that the vile Erin truly deserves. To her credit, however, she agrees and says that her commercial was horrible. She tells us that she got stressed and frustrated, and we flash back to Nigel giving her the what-for at judging. Erin interviews that she's only eighteen, but needs to get better at shutting off her negative emotions and getting down to business. Meanwhile, Brittany tells us that she thinks of Erin as a whiny sixteen year old. This differs from reality only in that Erin is eighteen. Brittany, a wizened twenty-one, says that she's different from everyone in the house -- she knows herself, feels confident, and is more well-rounded. She also differentiates herself from the rest of the models by being able to add.
The girls return home to find their house covered in red tape with the words "danger" and "do not enter." Girl-on-girl crime scene? Perhaps. Two guys in Hazmat suits sort through crusty underwear to signs that say "condemned." The girls are freaked out but, as always, plucky enough to barge through the tape. Inside they find Tyra pretending to paint a condemned sign on the wall. She wears a couture Hazmat suit with no mask, perhaps because she can smize away any truly toxic airborne substances. Tyra tells the girls that this is the most disgusting Top Model house she's ever seen. And you know how grimy these girls can get. Because the house is so disgusting, Tyra had to bring the Hazmat guys in to quarantine it. And then, much like Tabatha on one of her salon takeovers, Tyra gives a tour of the grossness. There are dirty dishes -- and perhaps a file folder? -- in the sink, and a pan with crusted-on egg bits sits on the stove. Gigantic cinnamon rolls loom near, glazed with nefarious intent. Tyra tells the girls that if you soak a pan in water, nasty egg bits will come off with ease. Life lesson: learned.
They move on from the kitchen into one of the bedrooms, where Sundai's clothes have exploded from her suitcase to all manner of empty shelves and drawers. Tyra says that the pile of clothes is like home for a rat, then lays rat-like in the pile. She tells the girls that she's lived in models' apartments in Paris and New York, with eight girls at a pop, and they were never this bad. That's because the other models got freaked out about Tyra wiggling rat-like through all their belongings and so put them away on the regular. There are clumps of hair and dirty tissues on the floor, and a little coterie of ants in the shower. Ants in the shower is pretty intense. I can't even imagine what things were really like when Toccara kept that rotisserie chicken by her bed.
Tyra gathers the girls away from the ants, and tells them that -- since America's Top Model has a reputation (of ever-increasing retardation) -- their house is condemned. This means that the girls can't live there anymore. Because... they are moving to Hawaii. As Tyra says this she opens the door to their pool area, where there are ladies doing hula dances and guys twirling fire sticks and a tiki bar and the like. Now, don't get me wrong. I would love to take a trip to Hawaii. But I am not an aspiring fashion model. Maybe if you smize hard enough Hawaii looks like Milan. I'm sure Tyra was like, "These shorties don't have a chance in hell of being models anyway... why bother with the trouble of getting visas?" Also, she TOTALLY wanted to show off her hot new bikini bod, which she does with haste as soon as the girls head to the pool area. Kiss her well-toned ass, haters. Upon the magical transformation of the house's backyard, Laura says, "It doesn't even look like our backyard! It's like, sand. And fruit. It's just awesome." In addition to the fruit, there's all sorts of delicious-looking food that the girls can't enjoy because they have to go pack.
Tyra helps Sundai pack her rat's nest of clothes into a suitcase, and Sundai interviews that going to Hawaii is the greatest thing, because she never gets to go anywhere, because she's an orphan. Top Model is kind of like Make a Wish in that way. Tyra leaves to oversee the lackeys who will pack her own suitcase, and the girls continue to celebrate and gather their precious few belongings. Laura reminds us that, as a small town girl -- and a small, small town girl at that -- it's really hard to get into modeling. Going on Top Model actually seemed like the best way to get into the business for her. And in this ONE instance, I am maybe with her on that. She ends by saying that this competition is her life. This makes me paranoid that she's going to be eliminated very soon, because Tyra can't be a benefactress to all the orphans in the world AND her entire viewing audience who love Laura to bits.
The girls take a trip on Fierce Airlines and land in Hawaii, where it is sunny and lovely and ahhh, I want to be there right now! Bloody Eyeball tells us in her weird way that the beach is something she craves. Funny, I thought she'd prefer dank tunnels. A rainbow greets the girls, which is appropriate for the Leprechaun-ish stature. And oh, man, their house. It's exactly the house you'd want to luxuriate in if you had a few weeks in Hawaii. The girls are greeted by Jennifer's commercial, which is playing on every TV in the house. Even in the bathroom! She tells us that it's a lot of face time. The girls have their own waterfall, and an ocean view, and many photos of Teyona. It's good times, except for that last bit.
Night falls and the girls receive their first Hawaiian Tyra Mail: "If you want to catch a break, you're going to have to go out there and get it. Love, Tyra." Bloody Eyeball thinks they will be fishing. Laura stands there, looking puzzled and waterlogged. The girls then lounge in their bedroom(s). Erin braids Laura's hair, and sings everyone the new song she made up. It goes, "My name's Nicole and I like art. My name is Jen and I like to fart. My name's Laura, I've got hair like a poodle. My name's Sundai and I love noodles. My name's Brittany and I like math. My name's Erin and I kick ass." The noodles bit at least is pretty great. What can I say? The girl knows how to lay down rhymes. I'd maybe change the last part, though, to "My name's Erin and I inspire wrath." Brittany agrees, as she interviews that Erin is the most annoying person in the house. She does a good impression of Erin freaking out and squealing and says, "Shut up. I can't take it. I can't take the voice anymore." Sadly, she says that in an interview, not to Erin's face. Erin, for her part, thinks that Brittany just sits around making faces. The judges like her well enough, but Brittany needs to watch her attitude since she's still up and down in how she performs. With that note of caution, we head to commercials.
When we return, it is a new day and the girls have made their way to the beach. They encounter a row of surfboards and two people. One is petite model and surfer Sofia Beschen. She's appeared on the cover of Surfing Magazine's swimsuit edition, and walked in New York fashion week. The other is the legendary Buzzy Kerbox, who pioneered something having to do with surfing. He's also appeared in Vogue and modeled for Ralph Lauren. My rule of thumb is: never trust a guy named Buzzy. Sofia tells the girls that surfing requires balance and good body awareness, which is also important for modeling. Sadly, however, you never encounter sharks in a photo studio. Today, Tyra wants the girls to learn how to surf. Laura drunk-interviews, "Holy shit, we're learning to surf!"
The girls first go through motions with the surfboards while they're still on the sand. Jennifer interviews that Buzzy and Sofia are the best surfing instructors one could wish for, because they're "totally cool" and "not all up on you." Unlike some other instructors we could mention, who roll their eyes and then do impressions of your failures. The girls appear to be having a bunch of fun, exemplified by Laura's big cheese and nod to the camera as she paddles her board into the waves. Nicole reminds us that in modeling, you're often thrown into unexpected positions -- like being knocked down by a mid-sized wave -- and have to work with it. Splash! Sundai, meanwhile, always wanted to surf but never thought she'd actually do it. You know, because she's an orphan. She's very inexperienced, so has to work harder than everyone. I think she's talking in general, here, since none of these shorties seems to be a whiz on the surfboard. In fact, Sundai seems to be doing better than a bunch of the girls. Brittany sees Sundai's success in standing on the board and gets some hope of her own. She reminds us that she's not just an introverted little geek. We realize this: we have seen your blurred cleavage.
Meanwhile, Laura has a ball on the surfboard and tells us that, even though she's a southern girl, she's come a long way. She confessionalizes that she's so thankful, and in fact gives props to the big man upstairs every day for getting this far. She prays that she'll make it further in the competition. Then there's Erin, who complains that it's very hot out and she feels like she's going to fall down the whole time she's on the surfboard. Yeah, too bad she has to be on a stupid surfboard in the stupid ocean in stupid Hawaii. I think that would suck, too.
The girls take a break on the sand, and are approached by two hot guys. And Jay. What the eff is he wearing? I will give him that his arms are impressive, though. Jay reminds the girls that this is a competition and not a vacation. This afternoon there will be a photo shoot challenge -- the girls will surf tandem with the above mentioned hot guys as their photos are being taken. They must bring balance and poise to the photographs, and whoever does this best will be the challenge winner. The photographer for today is Erik Aeder, a highly-published extreme watersports photographer. He wears a sunglasses and a hat, because he is smart. Laura tells us that they only get one chance to get a good photo. It's scary, but she's having so much fun that she doesn't even think about it. As Laura waits for a wave to come her way, Jay asks if she's got sunscreen on. Laura yells back that she's wearing SPF 80. Trust me when I say that it is not working. This explains Laura's bad-chemical-peel interviews of late. Laura gets a few photos that are just short of hideous, but this is the least of her worries. She says, "I am burning to death out here! Like the sun is frying me like a little piglet in a skillet! I'm red!" Not well-read, of course, because of the dyslexia. And who fries a piglet in a skillet? A whole piglet? Think of the squealing!
Sundai is up , and assures us that getting a good picture while surfing is harder than you think. She has her same Cover Girl commercial saleswoman voice going, so we know she means business. Sundai's face doesn't show at all in her photo, which is going to be bad news. Then there's Nicole, whose sunblock actually seems to be working. She gets up on her board, but her body pose is totally weird. This is, indeed, a hard challenge. Jennifer puts her arm out straight ahead of her, and looks kind of ninja butch. Or, as Jay calls it, "Egyptian." Brittany is , and tells us that she's given this competition her all and needs to keep showing more because she wants it so bad. Her surfing photo is okay, if a little awkward. They all look super-short on the surfboards, which could be because they're actually pretty short. No lengthening nunchucks to help you now, fools! Finally there's Erin. She tells us that she's not necessarily at the same maturity level of the other girls, and additionally she's very hard on herself. She shows this more than the other girls do, but at the same time she's not going to be happy with performing poorly. Irritatingly, Erin's surfboard photo is clearly the best. She's working it on the waves.
Jay gathers the girls on the sand -- but not in the shade! Come on! -- and says that he could really tell who brought all the lessons from past weeks into this challenge. For Sundai, this was a step back since you couldn't even see her face. Jennifer's Nefertiti jazzercise didn't read model. Laura's balance was thrown off, which did not lead to a pretty shot. Nicole looked tall, comparatively. Brittany's initial pose floored Jay. Erin found real symmetry on the surfboard. And the winner is Erin. She jumps and makes frenzied arm movements like the demonic troll elf that she is. Her prize is a helicopter tour ride of the island of Maui. She picks Brittany and Nicole to share in the prize with her, even though they seem to engage in a cycle of mutual hate with her.
The girls pile into the helicopter for their tour, which looks gorgeous. They fly right by the sunset, and are amidst stunning mountains. One drawback is Erin's constant narration of the sights, which is clearly going to drive Brittany and Nicole nuts. Erin confessionalizes that she thought the tour was going to be awesome, but she was pretty disappointed because she hasn't won "any actual tangible thing." Seriously? Brittany interviews that she gets annoyed with Erin's whining, but she was also an 18-year-old once so is just going to let it slide. Except for when she talks about it incessantly in interviews. When the girls get home, the others asked how the helicopter ride was. Erin says that it was really cool, but still wasn't a tangible prize like a dinner or jewelry or $1,000 Walmart gift certificate. Sundai is appalled, and speaks for all of us when she says, "You're such a brat. Just take the dang prize." Jennifer agrees, saying that Erin is immature and has a whopping case of Spoiled Brat Syndrome. And even Purell won't kill that. Nonetheless, Erin maintains that she'd rather win some jewelry. I'd rather that she win a punch in the throat.
Tyra Mail! "Sometimes being all mixed up is a beautiful thing. Love, Tyra." I think that Brittany just speculated that they'd be photographed amongst algae, but I can't be sure of that. In other news, Laura is RED. Like Ronald McDonald's weave. It is not pretty. She says that her sunblock was waterproof, but Jennifer maintains that if it was really waterproof the directions wouldn't read "put on after going in the pool." To be honest, it's really hard for me to tell what particular strain of idiocy we're witnessing here, so I'm just going to let it go. Laura interviews that she's so red, and very miserable. She's worried that she's not going to do so well on the photo shoot. In a heartbreaking fashion she says, "I don't want it to end. I don't ever want it to end." Jennifer confirms what our own eyes tell us -- that Laura is a walking, talking sunburn. With the ominous threat that this could work against her -- or at least garner a boring speech about sun protection from Tyra -- we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls are en route to their photo shoot. They pass a sugar cane factory surrounded by sugar cane fields. Sundai notes that in some places the fields are tall and green, while other fields have been burned. She wonders what foolishness she's going to have to endure now. Little do you know, my friend. When the girls reach their final destination, they get off the bus and meet Mr. Jay, who is more orange than ever in his khaki sleeveless shirt. Before getting to any sort of photo shoot theme, Jay tells the girls that he hopes they're ready to impress today's photographer, who's someone they've kind of worked with before. It's Tyra. They really are cutting corners on the budget this season, aren't they? Tyra tells the girls that she'll be photographing them for the second time, and adds that this is the first time this has happened in Top Model history. I love how she talks about "Top Model history" like it's a real thing.
Tyra tries to drone on about how the petite beauties in front of her inspire her, but thankfully Jay interrupts her to get down to business. Meanwhile, I've just noticed that the girls are standing about 20 feet from Jay and Tyra -- WTF? How can they hear anything that they're saying? Jay tells the girls that once Hawaiians started growing sugarcane, they realized that they'd need a larger workforce. As a result, people from all over the world immigrated to Hawaii to get jobs. Just for the jobs, I'm sure, since Hawaii has nothing else going for it. And then Tyra, who is either drunk or suffering from heatstroke, asks, "And what happens when men and women from different places come together?" The answer is: you get babies. But not just any babies. Lots of babies who are from different cultures or, as Tyra says, "a mix." Like snack mix! With extra wasabi peas. In Hawaii, this is known as "hapa," which means half. The most famous hapa in the world, says Tyra, is President Barack Obama. She hapas upa and downa as she says this. Okay, that joke was terrible. But cut me some slack. I'm on a plane, and I'm about to describe to you how Tyra put her fucking short-ass models in blackface.
So, okay. Then Jay tells the girls that for this photo shoot they'll undergo a transformation and have to portray two very different, distinct races. What she doesn't add, but I'll let you know now: in wondrously stereotypical fashion, while in blackface. I mean, I'm just the recapper. Laura will be Mexican and Greek. Read: wearing a sombrero on a donkey while eating feta cheese from her sandals. Laura thinks this whole thing is very cool. Which, she's drunk and from Kentucky. And she did a "hoodrat" accent at a casting call. Erin is going to be Tibetan and Egyptian, which likely means she'll be in Suzanna Hoffs's old costume from the seminal Bangles video of the mid-'80s, while reading The Art of Happiness. Erin interviews that she doesn't know much about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed. And that a blackface tribute will be an essential part of said freeing.
Sundai will be Moroccan and Russian, which means she'll be riding a camel while donning a fur hat and drinking potato vodka. Brittany will be Native American and East Indian. And at this point I'd joke about her wearing a feather headdress and a bindi, but in fact this is exactly what happens. I shit you not, people. Jennifer will be Botswanan and Polynesian. I don't know much about the Botswanan and Polynesian cultures, but what I do know is that this means Jennifer will be black to the fucking face. Frankly, I think that Tyra just should have gone all out with the racial epithets on this challenge and said, "Laura, you will be oriental and dago!" Finally, Nicole will be Malagasi and Japanese. Nicole asks what Malagasi means, and Tyra says that Malagasi people are from Madagascar. Nicole this will wear pelts from all the animals in that cartoon movie and be inventing Toyota's new hybrid. The girls all seem very excited about this challenge, which they would be after seeing all the Amos 'N Andy reruns that showed on Fierce Airlines.
The girls head to hair and makeup. Vanessa Geldbach is the wardrobe stylist. Tyra explains to us that every outfit that the girls wear isn't necessarily what people who are of the cultures they'll be representing wear NOW. Nor is it exactly what people of that culture might have worn in the past. Rather, it's a "fashion interpretation" of it. Read: fat-ass stereotype. Laura, in case you forgot, is still sunburned to the point where her face feels like it's going to fall off. However, she's certain she can overcome this challenge. With blackface! The cure for whatever ails you. Sometimes, I get unsightly redness from rosacea. Thanks, Top Model, for giving me an option that will allow me to walk proud in today's society. Michael Kanyon is today's hair stylist, while Vincent Oquendo is the lucky guy who gets to paint the girls' faces and bodies in some array of dark to very dark makeup. Erin is the only model who seems to take objection to this process. Because it legitimizes the fashion world's tendency to darken white models instead of hiring actual women of color? Because it calls to mind the racist lampooning of blackface minstrel shows? Because it's just fucking wrong and weird? No. Erin is peeved because it's going to be a bitch to scrub off all that makeup later. Which, also a good point.
Speaking of Erin, she's first to be photographed. And, I mean, what to say. She's painted burnt sienna, and is wearing the traditional Egyptian gold lame cleavage-revealing vest and some sort of big puffy hat that covers a dark wig. Erin tells us that she's always going to be intimidated by Tyra. She tends to overthink, and her mind gets frazzled. My mind is frazzled right now, too, let me tell you. And, sorry, I'm going to stop talking about the blackface in a minute. But... is Tyra being ironic? Does she really see this as a celebration of diversity? Does she actually think she's an invincible superhero called "Super Smize"? And what does Oprah think about all this? Anyway, Erin is not doing so well. Tyra tells her that she's too pose-y, and looks too commercial. Yes, the JC Penney catalog is known for its use of blackface. Jay yells to Erin to feel the spirituality of the Tibetan culture, which is all about ritual. Tyra calls for a change of Erin's enormous hat. Erin interviews that it sucks she hasn't spent more time learning about Tibet, because that knowledge would come in handy now. And, I mean, no it wouldn't. Tyra directs Erin as such: "Think about Egypt. The people. What they've been through." And if you don't know what they've been through (which is...The Mummy?), think about what we as a viewing audience have to go through RIGHT NOW! Tyra tells us that Erin was lost. She fell into one great picture, but it was an accident.
Laura is up , and is painted Mr. Jay orange. Orangeface? And her hair is gray. She appears to be wearing some sort of a roughly Mexican-themed dress, with that Greek leafy headband thing. Tyra is having problems, saying that the styling is too "on the orangeface nose," and so turns Laura's Greek leafy headband thing backwards. I mean, it would be hard to make her look more ridiculous, so in that sense it's a success. Things aren't going so well, and Laura asks Tyra to be brutally honest with her. Tyra says she's not loving it, and points to Laura's Cirque de Soleil shot as an example of what she should be doing. Laura is then able to break out of her rut, and is helped in no small part by some amazing light. The sun wasn't on her side during the surfing challenge, but it is today.
And then, fuck. Jennifer is in so much blackface, I can't even tell you. And she's wearing an afro. But we get some time to digest that as we see Nicole's photo shoot. Nicole, who seems like she should know better, actually likes her styling and says she's always wondered what she'd look like as a different race. She's wearing a shortie kimono with some sort of imposing necklace and a giant headwrap. She is very, very brown. Tyra wants to see Nicole's famous shapes, even though Nigel doesn't like them. I think Nigel actually likes them okay, he just suggested that she try something different every once in a while. Nicole uses a giant branch to her advantage, but loses points when she doesn't know what "H2T" means. In case you forgot, it's head to toe modeling. As opposed to "H2T1," which is the highly contagious blackface flu. Nicole's hair, now brown, comes down and she gets a different imposing necklace. Tyra and Jay love everything that she does.
And then there's Jennifer, with her insane blackface. Her ensemble is one of the more intriguing, and features a really fabulous necklace, but frankly it's hard to appreciate it because of the fact that she is PAINTED BLACK. Tyra tells us that Jennifer was a mess. She did not inspire Tyra, and in fact Tyra started panicking. Because she realized that she fucking put her models in blackface? There are some styling changes, but they still don't help. Jay tells Jennifer that in Botswana there's music everywhere you go. Thankfully, she does not interpret this statement as a directive to tap dance. Jennifer turns it around, and finally comes alive in her photos. On another note, can you imagine if Tyra was doing a Victoria's Secret shoot and those motherfuckers tried to put her in blackface? I'm just saying.
Brittany is in her sari, bindi, and feather headdress. She tells us that she recalls seeing very dignified photos of Native Americans in history books. Those poor people are rolling in their graves now. Though, maybe I am a hypocrite here, because I really, really enjoy "Half-Breed" and have gone so far as to sing it at karaoke. And Cher rocked that headdress. It's different, right? Because that was, like, a serious song about being biracial, kind of. Just like "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" was all about the rampant stereotyping of those who were born in the wagon of a traveling show. Cher was all about music with a message. Sooner or later we DO all sleep alone. Anyway, Tyra tells Brittany to look at some sort of mythical eagle that's flying. I mean, why not. Jay wants Brittany to pick up the energy and make this shot high-fashion. Brittany maintains her stoicism, and Tyra tells her that it's a bit too catalog. In an interview, Brittany says that she needs to relax more and show the younger Brittany that exists under the composed mathematician exterior. In the end, Tyra says that Brittany was too stiff, and she would have liked to see some more angles in her body. Jay, however, liked it. As we all know, this counts for exactly nothing.
Finally there's Sundai who, for obvious reasons, does not have to endure the blackface. They couldn't figure out a way to whiten her up somehow? She's totally wearing that Russian hat, along with a Moroccan-inspired dress. It has mirrors on it, is how you know it's Moroccan. Sundai reminds us how crazy the whole Top Model world is for her, but how grateful she is to be in it. She's going to try hard, so she doesn't have to go home. Sundai winds up being the big surprise of the day for Jay. So far she's been pretty mediocre, but today she nailed it. And with that, it's a wrap.
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Erin's not sure how her photo shoot went but, true to form, hopes that the other girls did crappy. We flash to Erin in her bedroom, complaining about how burnt she is and how scratchy her linens are. Yes, she wants 450 thread count. Brittany reminds us that Erin is immature and has a bad attitude, which is ostensibly a liability in this competition. As Laura says she's scared and Erin snits, "No big deal," we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time for panel. There are prizes, there are judges. Supermodel Kirsty Hume is the guest judge for the day. Jennifer is up first for evaluation with her Botswana/Polynesian photo. In it, it must be noted, she looks a lot lighter than she was on set. Maybe some of the retouchers had an inkling of sense. Nigel tells her that the first thing he sees is Botswana. He then adds that the photo is almost National Geographic. Maybe someone will tell her that she looks like a savage. Nigel says that ultimately when he looks at the photograph, he sees a beautiful, interesting woman that he wants to know, but it doesn't necessarily scream "model" to him. Kirsty adds that Jennifer's body angle is not as flattering as it could be. Other than that, she looks stunning. Tyra says that Jennifer made crazy faces when they first started shooting, but she rocked it once Jay told her about the integral role that music plays in Botswanan culture. Also, she sold the necklace she was wearing. Frankly, that necklace sells itself, and if anything an ad featuring a short blackfaced model looking like she was in National Geographic would make me think twice about what I was putting on my neck.
Laura is up , and is so sunburned I don't know how anyone can take her seriously. She explains with vigor that she was Mexican and Greek. Nigel says that he doesn't see Laura in the photo, but that said the close-up is stunning. Kirsty also loves it, and notes that it's quite the transformation. Tyra tells everyone that the shoot was terrible at first, but then Laura asked Tyra to be brutally honest with her feedback and was able to turn it around. Looks like Laura will last another week if her face doesn't fall off.
Erin is , with her Tibetan and Egyptian photo. I think the photo is actually pretty good, and I can't stand Erin. Miss J. compliments her concave back. Then Nigel asks what she was thinking, and what her inspiration was. Erin repeats her line about knowing nothing about Tibet other than people want to free it, which led to a lack of emotion in her head. Kirsty says that she can see that in the picture, and wonders if Erin could have done something stronger. Nigel says that Erin can't fall back on how pretty she is. She takes good photographs week after week, but now she has to deliver an edge. There's no power in her eyes in this picture. Miss J. calls it beautifully bored. Tyra says that the first time she photographed Erin, Erin blew her away. This time, however, Erin was the only girl who seemed not fully present in the shoot. Her photo also read "jeans ad." Tyra asks what was going on. Erin says that, after her last photo shoot, Tyra told her she had no personality on set. Since Tyra's a judge, Erin got tweaked out and intimidated and showed even less personality. Good strategy. Nigel tells her that every client and every photographer she'll meet are judging her, and Tyra adds that you can show personality by asking questions such as, "What do Tibetan people do?" Miss J. says that you appear to be smarter by asking questions than you do by asking nothing, which I actually think is good advice. Unless you have a tendency to ask really dumb questions.
is Brittany, the Native American / East Indian hapa. Nigel says that her photo is very stoic, and he doesn't necessarily see a lot of energy. Miss J. agrees, saying that she could have been more animated with her giant headpiece and giant sleeves and giant madness. Kirsty adds that Brittany seems overpowered by the sari and the headdress. Tyra calls the pose catalog, which makes jeans ad model Erin smirk. Brittany tells the judges that she wanted to be stoic and elegant and poised, and Tyra says that she should always remember that she's a model first. Nigel tells her to think future, and not just vintage. Does he mean vintage as in "vintage Native American chiefs?" Or, like, the Trail of Tears is so vintage? Or Cherokee Red is a kick-ass vintage beverage? (Which, actually, it is. Do they still make that?)
Then there's Sundai, who was Moroccan and Russian. Miss J. says that it's the same face and same angle. However, Nigel adds that she's finally mastered that one angle because this is the best photo he's seen from her. Kirsty says that it's beautiful, but Sundai looks like she's drowning in her outfit. Sundai took initiative on the set, according to Tyra, which is a good thing. However, Sundai photographs short and looks like a Gap Kids ad. She still looks like a model, but a 12-year-old model. Yeah. Sundai knows this is bad news.
Finally there's Nicole with her Japanese and Malagasi photo. Nigel tells her that her photograph is stunning from top to toe, and she's made the whole thing very modern. Tyra agrees, saying that she's modeling H2T even though her Ts are not in the shot. Kirsty also thinks that the photo is stunning and Nicole looks graceful, and Miss J. commends her for elongating her neck even amidst a giant neckpiece. Bloody Eyeball prevails again!
The judges deliberate. Miss J. thinks that Jennifer has something special, but Kirsty says that her body is awkward. Tyra thinks that Jennifer could be more geometric while she's being National Geographic. Laura's photo shows an incredible transformation according to Kirsty. Tyra thinks that it's a beautiful shot, but she doesn't necessarily see model. And it's very important for the girls to bring fashion into these blackface pictures. Erin comes across as insecure, according to Kirsty, and looks insecure in her photo. Tyra was confused by Erin's insecurity after she was so confident the first time Tyra shot her. Miss J. agrees that Erin should have come and dazzled her. Tyra thinks that Erin is the type of girl who is in her own way and creates the tornado that doesn't exist. There was a lot going on in Brittany's photo, and it was one of Tyra's favorite wardrobes, but all Brittany gave was boring catalog. Nigel theorizes that Brittany's analytical nature got the best of her. It's a gorgeous shot, but it's obvious, and fashion is about breaking the obvious. Sundai's photo is great, but it's the same kind of look she always has. Tyra says that she looks twelve, but a fierce twelve. Nicole is perfect. Miss J. says that there's something special about her, and she's a hard worker. Tyra adds that Nicole kept modeling even when the camera wasn't on her, which is what models do when they want it so bad. With that, the judges have reached a decision.
Six beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has five photos in her hands. These represent the five women who are still in the running to become America's Top Model. The first name that Tyra is going to call, who has the best photo of the week, is Nicole. Clearly. Even in blackface. , Tyra calls Jennifer, followed by Laura and Sundai. This leaves Erin and Brittany in the bottom two. Two beautiful ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has one photo in her hands. The girl who does not receive this photo must get the hell out of Maui, stat. In Brittany, the judges see a gorgeous girl who has had great pictures and okay pictures, but her pictures are becoming formulaic rather than inspiring. Then there's Erin, who has a very memorable face and takes beautiful photos. But for some reason, she's standing in her own way. She's becoming intimidated, leading to self-sabotage. So who stays? Stupid Erin. Gah. Again. Brittany totally starts having a small breakdown. Tyra tells Erin that she has to stop being intimidated, and should imagine Tyra in her underwear. Erin correctly says that that's even more intimidating. Finally, a modicum of charm. Tyra doesn't disagree, and tells Erin to imagine SOMETHING that's not intimidating.
Brittany bawls, and says that it hurts because this photo is her favorite that she's taken. Tyra maintains that this photo is safe. She tells Brittany not to lose the beautiful mathematician. But she has to let the art enter and just relax. Brittany tells us that it's hard to say goodbye, but she's so proud. Being called a catalog model is a great compliment to a math nerd. And she feels that this isn't the end for her, but rather a jumping off point. To a career in math.
week: Bikinis! And someone maybe gets the bends in a scuba-themed shoot!
Seriously? Blackface? Let Potes know your thoughts at potesypotes@gmail.com.