Previously on ANTM: Claire became the seventh bootee, and everyone needed a little break. So it's time for the annual clip show! We'll learn about Claire's lactose-loving ways, Marvita's magic hands, and some kind of big bed model wrasslin'. Expect to learn some new facts, in the "all birds are blind" vein.
So, as you might remember, the season started at Top Model Prep, where 35 hopefuls had to endure Miss J. in a bow tie. And they also apparently had to endure Modeling 101 with Mr. Jay and his orange chesticles. Oh wait! The class is actually called "Expressions 101." Doesn't that sound like a Designer Imposters parfum? The modeling industry, Jay tells his pupils, is all about selling imagery. And we do that with our faces. [Potes raises hand.] Um, Mr. Jay, can we also sell imagery with...images? [Mr. Jay sends Potes to the office.] Jay has each girl take out their mirrored composition books -- Marvita is like, "They did not allow this shit in juvie," -- to study their faces. He asks them to give him a look of horror. I've been doing that for eight straight seasons. Do I get an automatic A? Marvita tells us that she looks in the mirror all the time, but it usually has more to do with dancing naked than with posing. We'll see some visual evidence related to this later on. Jay then asks the girls to growl like a lion, and then to look like they just tasted a sour lemon. Dominique confesses to us that in her day-to-day life, when she's cooking for example, she'll stop and think how she'd pose if she were in an ad. For some reason with Dominique I think the ad would always be for maxi-pads with wings. She just has that fresh and free look about her, I guess. Modeling, she continues, is about being a real person. A real, IQ-challenged person.
During break times, the girls got to assess their competition. Oh! And then Fatima called the other black girls "ghetto" and all kinds of heck broke loose. Marvita clutched her pearls, and Shaya was determined to be Shaya. Remember Shaya? Yeah, me neither.
And then Stacy-Ann auditions. In addition to her famous lap dance that traumatized Jay Manuel for weeks, she sang a song. It went a little something like this, "Top Model, this is the thing / I got it in my lips / My fierce, fierce lips / I'm the ! Top! Model!" They don't call her Joni-Ann Mitchell for nothing. And then Whitney auditioned, and talked about the plight of the plus-sized girls. You know who went through a plight that was maybe a little more serious than trying to squeeze your 160 pound body into a size four sample? Fatima, who endured genital mutilation as a young girl in Somalia. It's odd how we haven't really heard about that very much throughout the rest of the season, isn't it? I guess it just doesn't rate with bickering over the coffee press. The other girls felt bad for Fatima when they learned about her past, and then Marvita busted in to ask her if she now feels like less of a woman. Compared to Marvita, I'm sure Fatima was feeling more womanly than ever at that particular moment.
It was tough for Tyra to choose the final cast for the show, but she did it with her customary robotic panache. Oh! And then Tyra threw a curve ball when she announced that a fourteenth girl would be joining the cast. It was Dominique, who told us yet again how real she is while referring to herself as "The Diva Dominique." Little did we all know.
The final fourteen headed to New York City, hooray! The girls hit their new loft with a vengeance. Anya was screaming and jumping up and down, she was so excited. And then Amis discovered the loft's truly distinguishing feature -- a bidet. This made Dominique feel at home, because she apparently has a bidet and really likes to wash her butt. You can't argue with that. Claire wondered if the bidet was actually a urinal, while Lauren speculated that she was going to drink out of it. Maybe for the makeovers they could have used it like a shampoo sink, too.
Some girls, we discover, had to learn all about the perils of living on their own. Kim asks the other girls if they know how to make hot chocolate. That water to powder ratio really can be tricky sometimes. She tries to put the coffee pot directly on the stove, and Amis gently tells her that's not how it works, thus preventing the lodging of shards of hot glass in those pretty, pretty faces and the moniker, "The Cycle of Tragedy." Amis thinks that Kimberly benefits from her stupid, gimmicky stereotype, and it's awesome and charming. Something tells me that she's maybe being a little sarcastic there at the end. Fatima puts it more plainly, saying that Kimberly is a child. Kim tells the others that she knows how to make hot chocolate after the water's already hot and Amis replies, "Yeah, you just stir it in, you genius." I'd be laughing more if I could tear my eyes away from how pointy Amis' boobs are. I'm sorry, I've been conditioned by intensively recapping Rock of Love for the past four months. Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that Kim is pretty dumb.
The girls had their first encounter with new judge Paulina Porizkova when she gave them brutally honest critiques. She pointed out Amis' bad skin, Claire's hair that looked like it had been cut with a lawnmower, and Fatima's smallish eyes. Fatima opened her eyes wide to try to counter Paulina, and Paulina suggested that she not look so manic. And then, the money shot. Paulina told Dominique that she looked like a transvestite version of Robin Wright Penn, and even Elite's staff '70s game show host, Neal Hamil, had to let out a gasp, then admit that Paulina is fabulous.
Madcap New York adventures continued as the girls got to partake in a Badgley Mischka show in Times Square. Lauren lumbered while Kimberly got a little moralistic about how stupid expensive clothes are. The first photo shoot focused on the theme of homelessness, which clearly results when you spend your rent money on a pair of Badgley Mischka shorts. Marvita was all, "Been there, done that." Anya excelled, while Atalya floundered in her "Little Tramp" top hat. At the week's judging, Kim revealed that she really had no interest in high fashion, which set off a chain reaction of gay gasps around the room. She went home of her own accord. Aimee was upset about Kim's decision, because she took the place of someone who really wanted to be there. Atalya also got the boot for the heinous crime of being pretty. Two down!
Oh, and then it's time to talk about Allison. After a few weeks of living together, the other girls noticed that Allison had some unusual habits, including pouring steak sauce on top of Jello. And then ingesting it. Let's allow Marvita to sum it up for us, shall we? "Allison is hella-crazy. And Allison does not eat. That girl be putting A1 on Jello. She's like, exercising. She need to come up off of that bullcrap and eat some food, 'cause she tripping." I think Marvita has a bright future in counseling, if she decides not to go the modeling route. Allison measures her hips, then interviews that she once had a problem with eating very, very little, and that soon became a habit, and then a downward spiral. She says it with the vacant eyes of the malnourished, which makes her use of the past tense questionable. Allison's clearly disordered behavior in the house pretty much makes Fatima look extra mean when she tells Allison how big she is. This never-before-seen clip has really depressed me. Can't we just get some kicky footage of drunk bitches making out?
And then there was Claire. Even though she was separated from her daughter, she felt their special connection daily, via a breast pump. The girls were kind of freaked out about it at first, and didn't necessarily love it when Claire spilled it all over the floor. Claire joked about how breast milk is going to be a hot commodity, and that she would sell hers for $50 a bottle. The poor cows of the world are like, "All we get is grass and cold man-hands. We need a union."
Makeovers were ! Tyra, desiring to be extra cruel to her models-in-training, made sure the new looks were a mystery even to the girls. And then, desiring to be extra cruel to her audience, she popped up in a little TV within our TV, called "Tyravision," for some superfluous narration. Sometimes I have nightmares that I am trapped inside of Tyravision but the rest of the world has the sound off and so can't hear my cries for help. Fatima's orange hair was swapped out for a long, luxurious weave, then replanted on Allison's head. Poor Stacy-Ann got the Buckwheat, but managed not to cry about it. Top Model builds character!
And then we get to spend a little time exploring how weird Dominique is. She gives the girls a lecture about how life is love, and it's all about living in the moment, and it's important to maintain who you are. And then she kind of compares herself to Martin Luther King, because she has a dream, too. I would say that MLK Jr. guffaws in his grave rather than rolls. She also wants to be like Donald Trump and, I quote, "I wanna be like freakin' Mother Teresa, but in a diva kind of way, okay?" There is a whole book of notable quotables to be found inside her mannish frame.
The girls posed on a boat in Elle MacPherson's lingerie line. Elle gave some good advice to the girls, but Marvita, suffering from seasickness and, it appears, diarrhea, struggled not to throw up. In the end, though, the poo did not conquer her and she turned it out. Lauren was also surprisingly awesome and sexy. Allison and Dominique, however, struggled to stay afloat. Dominique looked like the bra girl in the Sears sale flyer, while Allison was both stiff and a pill. Allison was sent home, complaining of the injustice of the judges not liking her emotionless robotic personality. She took with her a consolation prize -- a lifetime supply of A1.
As we had surmised from the beginning, Amis was kind of nutty. She also had a tendency to break lamps. Maybe she just knew that dim lighting would benefit her in the competition. As it turned out, Amis was Marvita's dog. They bonded in their wackiness, and liked to dress up and pretend they were in a band. Whitney tells us that Amis is crazy, and if you tied her to a tree she'd argue with it. Well, trees so rarely get stimulating dialogue. Not that Amis would really be able to help with that, I guess. Amis argues with Whitney that gay love is just as good as, if not better, than regular love, and says that she hates herself and her boyfriend. She sings "Little Bunny Foo Foo." She acknowledges and embraces her weirdness, and that's what made her so marginally likeable.
Turns out, Amis wasn't the only weirdo of the cycle. Marvita really made herself at home, and apparently enjoyed walking around naked with, it seems, shaving cream on her legs. Or without shaving cream on her legs. The "naked" bit was really the part that she enjoyed. Stacy-Ann did not appear to be quite so fond of having Marvita's business in her face all the time. Prude! She does acknowledge that if she had a great body she'd probably want to show it off all the time too, and eventually Marvita reluctantly agrees to put on pants if it makes Stacy-Ann happy. I'm always on the side of putting on pants.
Then it was time to traumatize some firemen! Miss J. made our nation's heroes witness some horrifying runway walks. Oh wait! But then the firemen got to take a spin on the runway as well. Each one of them, in full uniform, showed more grace and femininity than Lauren. After the runway teach, the girls enjoyed a night out on the town at a restaurant called Revel. There was shrimp, and there was champagne. And you know that when you get aspiring models and alcohol together, there is bound to be some wrasslin' back at the house. Fatima implores the competitors not to actually kill each other, as Stacy sounds the round one bell with kitchen implements. Lauren and Marvita wrestle first as the others throw stuff at them. Lauren is hands-down the victor. Given that we now know she's a rageoholic, it all makes sense. is the battle of the baby mamas with Dominique and Claire having a go. They're pretty even, until Claire squirts some breast milk in Dominique's eye. She confesses that her secret dream is to be a boxer or a superhero. The Lactator strikes again!
The girls then had to pose with meat. Not man-meat. Meat-meat. There were beef panties aplenty. Lauren and Anya made it work amongst the raw carcasses, but Amis and Fatima were undercooked. Jay interviewed that Amis got more confused and awkward with each passing week, and this combined with her wacky elimination room headband made her a goner. Amis was okay with it though, because there were other girls with better assets who would probably make better models in the end. As she exited, she spilled her Whole Foods bag full of crap. There's some sort of metaphor in that, right?
And then, more Marvita! She was always available to relieve the tension of the other girls by laying her big, supple hands on their naked shoulders. Not that she had any ulterior motives there. Always hustling, Marvita gave a lot of massages for change. Not ch-ch-ch-change, like a Hands Across America thing (though how awesome would a human massage chain across the country be, if we could be sure that everyone washed their hands immediately before participating?) but, like, "hey brother can you spare a dime" change. Dollar bills. Fatima notes that men can't even give her a good massage like that, and Marvita says, "I don't need you all over here having orgasms and things." Reverse psychology! But Magic Hands Marvita is happy enough to rub a shoulder in need if you flash her the George Washingtons.
Posing time! With Benny Ninja and his vogueing friends! As Benny yelled out, "Catalog," "Commercial," or "Couture," the girls, who had been divided into two teams, competed two at a time in a pose-off. Lauren got confused by all the gay finger waving, but ultimately determined that it was a positive thing. Dominique was happy to be able to be "freaking drag as hell" and be not only accepted, but lauded. Whitney tried to impress by pulling out the old big girl split, and in the end her team won. But what we didn't see was the girls trying out some of their moves against the House of Ninja. Oh, girl, they will pose you to the grave. They are also the most flexible people on earth. Claire tells us that they will throw down, which is how you have to be as a model. It was good times for everyone! Back at home, the girls continued to practice their posing while Anya took Polaroids of them and offered enthusiastic critique in a French accent. Or maybe it's just her accent. It's hard to say. Claire compares her to a ditsy Hawaiian pigeon. As everyone gets ready for the big group shot, the camera runs out of film. Anya probably got hungry and started pecking at it.
And then there's more Marvita! After winning a guitar, Marvita terrorized her roommates by making songs out of everything she said. The first song in her set is entitled, "The Proceeds Go to Breast Cancer," followed by, "She Ain't Got No T-Shirts." That's a crowd pleaser. Marvita tells us that it's her guitar, so she's gonna play it. At midnight. When people are trying to sleep. This brings about her big hit, the habitual encore, "She's Getting Pissed Off." Claire tells us that Marvita likes to push people's buttons a little bit. And seriously, LEARN A CHORD. Just one. After being told to shut up, Marvita exits the room noting that the other girls don't appreciate her skills. I guess the magic hands don't apply in all circumstances.
The photo shoot involved paint jizz dripping down the girls' faces. Fatima had some fierce shots despite her hairy armpits, while Stacy-Ann's man jaw helped her for once. Whitney, despite being enamored of her own face, struggled to find the right pose. She was being blinded by the paint, which had to be annoying. But even worse was Marvita's evident lack of effort, which the cameras showed to full effect. Jay told her to bring it. Marvita tried to find a softness within herself, but all the judges saw was that she was giving up on the competition. She was sent home. This means that we're nearing the end of the clip show, as clearly Marvita was the only one to actually do anything interesting. She truly was a gem. Marvita tells us that she learned that she was pretty photogenic, which she never knew. This complete perceived lack of photogenic beauty was what led her to audition for a modeling show, I guess. Marvita is going to keep knocking on doors until somebody answers, because she doesn't want this taste of the good life to be just an appetizer.
In the Top Model household, it seems, the girls always find new and inventive ways to pass the time. These include chin-banging rounds of broomstick limbo. I think that's what people without TVs end up doing, for real. I'm happy being a double-stuffed couch potato, thanks. But the peaceful atmosphere of fun and games doesn't last for long, especially when you have some bitch's damn alarm clock ringing in your ear at 6 a.m. Yes, it's alarm-gate! It leads Claire to call Dominique a shady bitch, and Anya to plead for Dominique to take responsibility for her clock, before someone cleans it for her. The fight continues and escalates, and Dominique makes the fateful mistake of asking Claire if she calls her husband a bitch when they get in an argument. Claire helpfully points out that at least she has a husband, and feelings are hurt. Well, a little. Dominique still thinks she's the greatest, though.
And then there was the coffee press incident. Fatima made coffee, which Lauren might or might not have thrown out. When Fatima challenged her, the monstrous side of Lauren came out. Seriously, when she goes at Fatima with a finger waving by her waist she looks like she's a member of the Sharks. You don't know where that finger has been, or the damage that she can do with it.
In yet more special unseen footage, the girls go to New York hot spot Libation, where they imbibe in, you guessed it, libations. They start dancing and the, much to Whitney's disgust, they stand on their leather seats -- in stilettos -- and begin humping each other. Whitney doesn't dance like that. Not even with her best black friend? Loosen up, Whit! You know who needs no encouragement to loosen up? Stacy-Ann. She smuggled the complimentary bottle of vodka given to the girls in her trench coat so they could continue the party at home. That is a girl after my own heart.
And finally, the girls partook in a shoot inspired by the off-Broadway sensation Fuerzabruta, which entailed them flapping around like fish in a big, suspended plastic thingy filled with water. Dominique assures us that it was not an easy shoot, but she managed to rock it nonetheless. Fatima and Anya were also graceful and took great photos, while Lauren busted out her Miss Piggy face and Claire 1) almost broke her neck when she face planted onto the plastic thingy; and 2) sucked. Jay says that her aggressive nature didn't work, and she was too stilted. In the end, the lack of variation in Claire's shots led to her elimination. She was pretty sad about the part where she left her baby to be on the show and then didn't win.
Seven bitches remain! There's Lauren, the awkward yet incredibly photogenic punk rock girl from Brooklyn. There's Katarzyna, the sexy stunner from Roslyn, New York. Whitney, the poised and proud full-figured competitor from Atlantic Beach, Florida. Stacy-Ann, the lovely and melodious sweetie from Miami, Florida. Dominique, the strong and self-assured girl from Columbus, Ohio. Anya, the ethereal and effervescent beauty from Honolulu, Hawaii. And Fatima, the indomitable and exquisite girl from Boston. Which one will become America's Top Model? The fat one, maybe.
Coming up: Legal trouble threatens to derail Fatima, and Lauren appears to cut off her finger! What will she do if she loses her most dangerous weapon?