It's early go-see week! But first, the sloppy sluts engage in some coffee making. Fatima has some coffee in the press, and apparently Lauren throws it out. Or maybe there really wasn't that much coffee in there in the first place. In any case, this is all a demonstration in Lauren actually having a secret load of stank, as she makes a fresh batch and tells Fatima to choke on it. And more! Awesome. The girls head to Elite, where they are broken into two go-see teams and get a GPS cell phone to help them navigate, as they'll have to walk the whole time. Team one is Claire, Dominique, Whitney and Stacy-Ann. We'll call them, "Team Happiness and Harmony, Until the Alarm Clock Goes Off." Team two is Lauren, Fatima, Katarzyna and Anya. We'll call them, "Frankenstein and the U.N."
The teams first head to Pamella Roland, where Whitney gets confirmation that size 10 = hoss. Then again, Fatima is too skinny for Pamella Roland, so maybe the bitches are just like my mother: never satisfied. Whitney fares better at a go-see with Shoshanna Gruss, formerly known as Jerry Seinfeld's jailbait girlfriend. She actually likes to use different body types in her runway show, so Whitney regains some of her hoss confidence, much to the chagrin of Dominique. Lauren retains her Lurch-like quality throughout all the go-sees, including the final one with Alice + Olivia. Team Happiness and Harmony, Until the Alarm Clock Goes Off wins, with Stacy-Ann booking the most jobs of all the girls. They get to shoot a summer beauty story for Seventeen.
The photo shoot for the week is kicked off by Jay running on a giant treadmill then busting through a big wall of cardboard boxes. Anya thinks he looks like a silver robot, because on her planet everyone is orange-blind. Turns out the whole shoot is inspired by a whack-ass theater troupe called Fuerza Bruta, and the girls will have to flop around -- with no hair and makeup -- in some big, suspended plastic thingy filled with water. Claire does a face plant into the plastic thingy, and has to take a minute to assess whether she has actually done some damage to her head and neck. Katarzyna gets a haircut and cries, but then gets over it. And generally everyone is all squishy and wet.
The judges are infused with the spirit of Simon Cowell this week, as Paulina references Katarzyna's weird Easter European tackiness and Miss J. calls her "Neutrogena," and Nigel says it looks like Dominique styled her hair with semen. Fatima excels and Whitney looks like a sonogram -- a fierce sonogram. It's Lauren's weakest shoot to date, and she winds up in the bottom two with Claire, who is becoming one-note and, it must be said, kind of annoying. In the end, Lurch wins out and Claire heads back to her family with only some powdered milk and a broken neck for her troubles. Toodles.
Previously on ANTM: Dominique was rubbing a whole bunch of people the wrong way, and brought out the catty beasts in Claire, Lauren, and, once again, Whitney. A music-themed photo shoot showed Lauren's gift for making a red plastic mini look elegant, while the genres of R&B and country tripped up Aimee and Claire, respectively. In the end, Aimee was sent home, which is just as well as eventually there's going to be a nudie shoot and we've seen the "conflicted girl with morals won't disrobe" thing enough in seasons one through nine. Eight bitches remain!
In the limo ride home after the eliminations, Whitney notes her surprise at being called first, and says that she went from being called last to being called first in a week. She thinks that America, and America's Top Model, is ready for a plus-sized model to win the competition. Whitney, I hate to tell you, but this country only likes the reality TV fatties when they are being inspirational and losing buttloads of weight. But not so much weight that you look better than the rest of us. Dominique tells us that she doesn't see Whitney as a winner of the competition, or someone who will get far. She doesn't think Whitney has the "can do" attitude, which Dominique possesses in spades. Personally, I think Dominique has more of a "canned doo doo" attitude. There is some major stank in that manly countenance.
Back at the house, the girls read a sweet note from Aimee. Claire reminds us that she was in the bottom two last week, which was very nervewracking. We flash back to Claire doing a jump of joy when Tyra gives her a photo, which Lauren then mocks in an interview. Lauren wasn't expecting it, and says it was disrespectful. I agree! When you are not the bootee, you always must turn and sorrowfully hug the girl to you who is going home before dolefully taking your photo from Tyra. It's like shaking hands at the net in tennis. Stacy-Ann tells us that Claire sometimes tries too hard and can be too over the top. Well! Isn't that veneer that has won Claire six straight Cover Girl of the Week designations starting to peel off! Or whatever veneer does. Claire says that the longer she stays in the competition, the more she'll get out of it, and the less guilty she'll feel for abandoning her baby. It's worth missing those first steps if you learn the correct application of a glamorous smoky eye, for sure.
Tyra Mail! "If you don't make it here, you won't make it anywhere. Love, Tyra." Tyra just told them the episode title! Meta! Dominique thinks that they're going to do something on Broadway, which is fine for her since her mom always told her she's a natural born actress. Yes, they're all going to have to pose as Broadway shows. Dominique, you'll be getting La Cage Aux Folles.
Oh! And then it's time for some sloppy sluttage. We focus in on the note, written on a paper towel, that says, "Please put dishes in dishwasher." Then we focus in on one dirty glass. Slobs! Lauren pours out the contents of the coffee press and washes it to make a fresh pot. Or press. Whatever. Fatima comes in and asks if anyone poured out her coffee. Lauren tells her that it just had grinds in it and/or a very teeny amount of coffee. Fatima wants Lauren to admit that she poured out her perfectly good coffee. Lauren isn't admitting to anything, nor is she taking Fatima's crap. Fatima really wants Lauren to apologize and tell her it was an accident, because accidents happen. Instead, Lauren decides to share the coffee she made. Well that's nice, isn't it! Lauren hands her the glass and says, "Here's your fucking cup of coffee, you big baby." Except that she totally did not say "big baby." It's like watching Goodfellas on the USA Network. The lips totally do not match up. Lauren clearly does, however, add a coda of, "Choke on it," and flips the bird. Well then!
Fatima tells us that you can't tell it by looking at her, but Lauren has a bad temper. You can certainly tell it by looking at her now. Gah! She's all wild-eyed and crazy-weaved. She storms over to Fatima and points her finger in her face, spews something vaguely unintelligible, and calls her a piece of shit. Oh my God, you guys. I think the spirit of the old Marvita is haunting Lauren!!! Any minute you know Miss J. is going to show up dressed as a priest. And then just make the girls walk the runway in nun habits, leaving poor Lauren to be possessed for another week. Fatima keeps her cool and tells Lauren it's sad to see her get so upset over nothing. She then interviews that Lauren acts like a little baby in front of the judges, which is true, but then when she gets home a monster comes out. And then her head starts spinning and she projectile vomits green stuff all over the place. Oh that irrepressible Lauren! Lauren tells Fatima that she hopes she realizes she's fuckin' lucky. Fatima is all, "The hell?" I love Lauren, but I have to admit that she's a little scary right now. And really, if we've learned one thing on this show it's that when you're having a disagreement, there's only one way to resolve it: pose-off! So save your vocal chords, ladies.
The girls head to Elite Model Management, where they meet Karen Lee, Elite North America's director of scouting. She is totally Canadian. She introduces one of Elite's top models, Kristy Hinze. Karen explains what go-sees are. And if you don't know at this point, child, I don't know what to do with you. Look it up. They're very important to a model's career, and it's paramount for a model to give a good impression. Kristy tells them to be confident when they meet a client, even if they're ultimately rejected. This last part is an important caveat for the bulk of these bitches. The girls will be broken up into two groups of four. Each group will get a Sprint navigational cell phone to help them with directions. And since most up and coming models can't afford to take taxis -- don't make Tyra tell you about the time she had to walk from Paris to Manhattan, mon dieu, the blisters! -- they'll be walking. With the sage and wholly original advice that there's no second chance to make a first impression, the girls are off!
Team one is Claire, Dominique, Stacy-Ann and Whitney. They give Claire the phone, because she's a New Yorker. So really, they were like, "Just punch some numbers into the phone and then take us where we need to go." Claire says that her mothering instincts were coming out. I would rather have to get a cranky toddler to three go-sees than Dominique, for sure. Team two is Lauren, Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima. Lauren thought this task would be easy because she knows New York, but Anya insisted on grabbing the phone and taking the lead. Maybe she thought somehow she was going to get a signal from her home planet? After stomping down the street for a bit Anya just looks at the phone and goes, "Why are we going the opposite way?" Why, indeed. Katarzyna wisely suggests starting over. I think she means with casting.
Claire thinks that her team is great, but is worried about the dynamic between Whitney and Dominique. Dominique, however, is infused with the team spirit and is determined not to let the bitch get to her. Team one makes it to designer Pamela Rolland. Whitney tells us she's fully prepared to face the plus-sized model's dilemma, which is basically a confidence-shattering bunch of commentary from some shitty, coked-up designer. Team two heads to designer Shoshanna. Lauren is nervous about the go-sees because she's going to have to be tame and watch what she says, and doesn't want to offend someone she doesn't know. She really is a beast inside! Team two meets with Shoshanna Gruss, who really does design cute clothes and was at one time the jailbait girlfriend of Jerry Seinfeld. What is the deal with guys in their late 30's dating high school students? I think it all goes to prove that billions of dollars is the best makeover you can get. Shoshanna tells the girls that she wants models with a good energy. Lauren interviews that the judges always call her on her lack of confidence, but really she just doesn't want to act like a jackass in front of strangers, like she normally does. I guess it's...good to be self-aware?
Lauren comes out in a yellow frilly bathing suit. It is, like, the last thing you would ever, ever see on her. Shoshanna thinks that Lauren is pretty, but that she seemed a bit uncomfortable. Lauren repeats her mantra of, "Don't walk like Lurch," and then proceeds to walk like Lurch. Shoshanna loves Fatima. Anya notes that she wasn't talkative, and didn't ask Shoshanna any questions, which she should have done. No! Anya, at all costs, keep the mouth shut! Katarzyna walks in a green and white striped bathing suit. She says that she feels confident about her walk, but this is a team challenge and she has no idea how their competitors are doing.
Let's find out! Team One meets with Pamella de Vos, the president and designer of Pamella Roland. You mean...her last name isn't Roland? I'm already so confused! Stacy-Ann tells us that go-sees aren't difficult for her, because she's such a people person. Pamella thinks that Stacy-Ann has a great walk and personality, and would definitely hire her. Claire is . Pamella says she has a great walk, but doesn't have a look that she'd use for a campaign. Then there's Dominique. Whitney is surprised at how good Dominique looked in her gown, but then gets annoyed afresh when Dominique walks back to the lobby and pats herself on the back, literally, and high-fives the others with the designer right behind her. Whitney then walks, and Pamella tells her not to wiggle so much. Pamella doesn't realize that when a woman has flesh on her body, it sometimes just moves on its own. She thinks that Whitney is a beautiful girl and might work in a plus-sized market, but she doesn't work for Pamella Roland. And what hoss size is Whitney, you might ask? She's a ten. Yeah. Stick a hose in her and vacuum out some fat, already!
Pamella tells Whitney that usually they use size twos on the runway. Whitney is frustrated, and tells us that she's discriminated against because she's not a size two. She has to fight every single second of every day. Okay, then. It's not like she's the dude who had to be fork-lifted from his second floor bedroom because he couldn't fit out of the door. I mean, it sucks that the fashion industry is so focused on skinny chicks, but real world-wise it's hard for me to feel THAT bad for someone who's a size ten and gorgeous. Dominique interviews that Whitney felt defeated on the go-see. She started to slowly see Whitney break down, she says, before gleefully adding, "Bye-bye, Whitney!" with a little wave. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, Whitney rationalizes that she's not fat or obese. She feels bad about the whole Pamella Roland situation, but isn't going to get all up in her face and tell her that she best chase the chub if she doesn't want a punch in the throat, because she doesn't want to burn bridges. Pamella is like, "I only travel on bridges that carry 115 pounds or less. Sorry, fatty!" Team One now heads to Shoshanna. They are slowed down by Whitney -- not because she's too fat to walk, but because she's wearing five inch stilettos. Shoshanna tells the girls of team one that when she started the line, one of her goals was to be inclusive of more body types. All the three-legged women out there are feeling so empowered right now. Shoshanna had a daughter two years ago, and Claire mentions that she has a child as well.
Claire is prepared to bring her personality to the table and "rule the room." Sounds like a good plan! It is thus hard to understand why she proceeds to annoy Shoshanna by playing a one-sided game of 20 questions. Shoshanna tells us that a model does want to show personality on a go-see, but at the same time you have to be careful. In other words, if you have a stank personality, just be quiet for once. Whitney loves how she looks in Shoshanna's dress. It's very Mrs. Roeper. Hott! Shoshanna says that Whitney is beautiful and has a sexy figure, and that she would book her in a runway show. Shoshanna loves Stacy-Ann. Whitney thinks that Dominique's angry eyebrow face, which she claims is done by no one in real life, is going to hurt their team.
Team two heads to Pamella Roland. Pamella thinks that Fatima is beautiful, but, at a size zero, is just too small for their clothes. Pamella is all about the size twos. Pamella thinks that Anya is beautiful, but also is timid and lacks confidence. We don't get to hear what Pamella thinks of Lauren, but Fatima thinks she's awkward and needs to stand up straight for once. Point well taken.
Both teams meet at once for their third casting, which is with Stacey Bendet of Alice + Olivia. You can tell she's a total bitch. Possibly in a delightful way. Possibly not. Stacey tells the girls to be fun and animated in the clothes. She doesn't think that Dominique has a true model look, seems ambivalent about Claire, and thinks that Stacy-Ann is animated with a good energy to her. Stacey gives a half-hearted, "Cuuuute," when Whitney walks. Then it's time for team two to walk. Stacey thinks that Fatima has a great body and looks amazing in the clothes. She is not one to shy away from the size zero! Stacey has no commentary on Anya. She probably thought a ghost was wafting through the showroom again. Katarzyna is cute as a button with a really pretty face and great body, says Stacey. And then, Stacey says, "Lauren...she's very tall. But, I mean, horse walk! She's kind of, like, stomping through the showroom. It was kind of funny." She totally just openly mocked Lauren! Stacey is our kind of girl. If we loved girls in bright pink with huge bags under their eyes. This bitch needs to sleep it off, and then we'll make our final assessment.
The girls stand before Ann Shoket, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, to learn how their go-sees went. The designers thought that team one walked well and had terrific personalities, but they were lacking in personal presentation. Comb your hair, bitches! The Team Two girls were beautiful and had great photos, but they were lacking in personality and their runway needed a lot of work. Lauren totally dragged down their average. Team One wins the challenge. And Stacy-Ann booked the most jobs of anyone! Yay! I love her and feel like the editors are not doing her justice. Team One gets to be in a gorgeous summer beauty story for Seventeen. Claire is happy that her team won, but is bummed that she didn't get the individual kudos. Well, maybe you shouldn't have been so annoying, then.
Team One goes to Hearst Studio D, Seventeen's in-house studio. They put on some bathing suits for their summer beauty story. Dominique is so excited she has to fan herself. Or maybe she's finally realized that upper lip sweat is unbecoming.
Tyra Mail! "Put your best face forward but be careful not to get washed out. Love, Tyra." Anya thinks they're going through the car wash. Lauren needs it. She also feels like she's really behind the other girls, who have already mastered the art of bipedalism. She's trying to change and learn, but it's a process. The girls head to the site of their shoot, and the first thing they see is Mr. Jay, with a cable attached to his back, walking on a giant treadmill. Anya says, "He was walking, and walking. He looked like a robot. Like a silver robot." Like an orange robot with silver hair, is what she means. Some other folks hop up on the treadmill with him, then fall off at the end. On purpose. Mr. Jay starts running as, like, we hear Gregorian chants set to a techno beat or some shit. Then a big wall of boxes comes hurtling toward Jay, and he bursts through it. Bits of paper go flying everywhere. Well, that was the theatrical experience of a lifetime, wasn't it?
Jay tells them that they've just witnessed the metaphor for the day. They're all struggling here and there, and need to break through the wall to get to the level of the competition. There is a hilarious clip where we see Jay from behind, motioning all around with his hand, and the sound is obviously a voice over. Fake Jay voice-over tells the girls that what they've just seen was a preview from the hit performance art show Fuerza Bruta, in which the performers use their bodies to evoke an emotional response from the audience. Oh, Lord. I'm sorry, but I hate that shit. I am not spending $120 to see you beat on a bucket. I want some fucking show tunes, or I'm staying home. Jay points upwards and tells the girls to take a look at what they'll be doing. All I know is that it involves writhing around on a suspended plastic thingy filled with water. They will be shot from below, the better to catch them in all their squashed-bug looking glory. And, they will have no hair or makeup products. It's all raw!
The girls wipe off their makeup and get dressed in some gauzy gowns. Jay introduces them to photographer Mike Rosenthal, who is an ANTM veteran. He tells the girls that their photos should capture some movement and shapes, and not involve them looking like dead fish. Lauren stares at him, dead fish-eyed. This does not bode well for her. Claire is very excited for this shoot and wants to make a good impression. As Jay gives her direction, she says she's going to slide into the watery plastic pane. Jay tells her she doesn't have to. But she does, and her head bounces like a cat toy off of the Mylar. Jay asks if she's all right, and Claire requests for a minute to collect herself and sort of rubs her neck. With this threat of lifelong paralysis, we head to commercials.
And it's Saleisha's My Life as a Cover Girl! You can tell by the tone of her voice that she's hating her life. Which, good. I've never heard someone say, "It's so much fun," so funlessly.
When we return, Claire still may have a broken neck. Her ears are ringing, she's seeing stars, and she needs to take a little break. So Dominique goes instead. Jay tells her he'd prefer if she doesn't slam her head down on the thing, and Dominqiue is all, "As if I'd be that stupid." Dominique poses, and Jay says that she looks like a ballerina in the water. A fetus ballerina. She rocks Jay's world. He hearts fetuses. And then it turns out that Claire is okay, so she goes . Jay tells her to just ease down into the water, but she slides. This time it's a real slide, though, and not a face plant. But still. Fatima tells us that Claire has a way of trying to impress people that is a little too much sometimes. Sadly for her, she's not so impressive in her photo shoot. She forgets all about her body and is very stilted.
Lauren is , and tells herself to be cool. Jay tells her to angle her face rather than put it straight down. Lauren is having a hard time. Her contacts have come out and she's blowing tons of bubbles out of her nose. It's stimulation overload. Jay tells us that this is the first day that Lauren has actually looked awkward in front of the camera. Anya is , and is working the body. Jay tells her to point her toes to look more graceful. Like a graceful, pointy-toed fetus. Seriously, these photos are all going to look like ultrasounds.
Oh! And then Katarzyna gets her haircut. She cries. She's had her hair long all of her life. At the end, though, she hugs Christian. She says that she embraces change, so after her initial period of upset, she's feeling happy. Jay tells us that she turned into a graceful goddess the more they talked her through her shoot. A graceful goddess fetus. When it comes down to it, even the most glamorous of us are really just sperm and egg, I guess. Whitney is , and is worried that she's going to break the plastic. She actually looks like a fetal octopus. She smiles maniacally with open eyes in the water. Jay loves it, and tells her it was incredible. Stacy-Ann suffers with dead legs. They get one good shot. Then there's Fatima. If Jay is to believed, her shoot was gorgeous. And that's a wrap!
When the girls get home, there is Tyra Mail. One bitch is going home. Whitney tells us that failure isn't an option, especially after the go-sees. It pisses her off, but it's also motivation, and she can't go home. The girls talk about how hard the photo shoot was, and Lauren says she's worried. She hopes she does well. Dominique, meanwhile, looks forward to more hard shoots, because they make her more marketable. Yes, loony bins in five states are now recruiting Dominique. Success! She says that the girl who doesn't pull this shoot off is definitely the girl who doesn't go home. Well, that's a twist. Commercials.
We enter panel with a shot of Tyra looking particularly alienesque as she presses her face to a shower door streaked with Crisco. Fenza Buente! Or whatever. There are prizes. There are judges. The guest judge of the week is Karen Lee of Elite. Oh! And then it's time for a moment of inspiration. There was a totally different shoot planned for the girls this week, but then Tyra attended Frente Jacques and was blown away. Not literally, though, or Heidi Klum would be hosting this show, too. Hey, a girl can dream.
Claire is up first for her critique. She acknowledges that she face planted really hard and her neck still hearts. Tyra says, "I heard that you were told not to face plant, but you did anyway, and then got your neck messed up." Dominique is all, "Yeah, girl, I heard that too." And really, I think not face planting is sort of a rule of life, when you can follow it. Nigel thinks that Claire's photo is interesting, although her profile looks very flattened. Claire says that they were all told to face the light, and Nigel gives her a quick lesson in looking toward the light while not sucking. Paulina likes it and thinks it's a lovely shot, while Miss J. can only think about scratching the bug off of his windshield. It's all very Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairies.
Stacy-Ann, the challenge winner, is . Nigel thinks that the angle of Stacy-Ann's face works well. Karen Lee thinks it's a nice silhouette and likes her eye contact, but says that her mouth could have been more relaxed. Tyra notes that Stacy-Ann struggled with this shoot, and it made getting her best shot really difficult. Stacy-Ann just can't win. Katarzyna and her new haircut are up . Tyra still can't pronounce her name. But no matter, because her hair gets raves. Paulina says that the weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone. As if that isn't enough, Miss J. says, "I do love your haircut, Neutrogena, I just absolutely love it." Ha...ha? Her photo is beautiful, and all the judges love it. And Tyra still can't pronounce her name.
The judges have reached a decision. There are eight beautiful ladies, and seven photos. And the first photo goes to...Fatima. She's quite happy. Tyra calls Anya, Katarzyna, Whitney, Stacy-Ann, and Dominique. This leaves Claire and Lauren in the final two. Claire takes gorgeous pictures, but the judges feel like she's one-note. America's Top Model is looking for someone who's diverse, and a chameleon. Unless you're Aimee, in which being too chameleonic sounds the death knell. Lauren is in the bottom two because the judges see the same note in the judging room. She's awkward and Frankenstein-like, and nobody thinks that's pretty. Can Claire show diversity? Can awkward Lauren loosen up and get some personality and confidence? I mean, probably no on both counts, but it's Lauren who gets the photo. Tyra tells her to take something out of the beautiful pictures she takes and use it to enhance her personal presentation.
Claire needs to take some time to study in the mirror, Tyra says. Claire notes that she's usually a big chameleon, and doesn't know why that didn't break through. Maybe she should have tried running faster on the treadmill? Tyra tells her to go home and figure it out. Claire hugs the other girls, and even Dominique gets in on the action. She skips out of the room in her ugly dress and even more unfortunate shoes. She's very sad and bummed that essentially she failed. However, it was a great experience. She learned a lot about herself and about relating to other people. That last lesson was mostly, "Don't live with eleven bitches. There is always at least one bad apple." Claire says that it's difficult that she started off so strong, because she could have been a competitor and could have been America's Top Model. And then, sadly, she feels guilty for losing because she left her baby and husband and dog. Oh, Claire. There's still some milk in those puppies! Keep on pumping, girl. Yeah, keep on pumping.
week: Fatima has some legal trouble. The heck? And Lauren chops off her finger accidentally. I guess that's better than a broken neck.