The girls head to the bright lights and big city of Shanghai, where they act pretty much exactly the same way they did back in L.A. When the six girls are faced with a five-bed penthouse suite, there is a bit of ganging up on Heather, who is more than a little upset at being bedless. To avoid a scenario like last week's infamous shower scene, Chantal intervenes, and Bianca and Jenah agree to share the big bed so that Heather doesn't have to sleep in the hallway. The challenge for the week sees the girls learning some martial arts maneuvers, much to Heather's delight. When they learn that they'll have to pose on a wire, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style, most of the girls are pretty excited. Bianca, however -- who has a fear of heights that we hadn't yet heard about -- kind of freaks out and ends up being disqualified when she refuses to continue to be airborne. Heather emerges victorious, and she and Chantal get a Shanghai shopping spree. The photo shoot for the week is a combination print ad/commercial for the Cover Girl Queen Collection. The girls get a script to memorize, and also get to ad lib a line about what makes each of them a queen. Too bad the Jays didn't get to film one of these, too. No one is especially outstanding performing in the commercial, but Chantal and Saleisha rise to the top of the pack, such as it is. Bianca and Jenah get have several takes, and Jenah's teeth have never looked more enormous. Heather totally sucks and has to be fed all her lines, one by one. Miraculously, she still sucks, though her photo turns out well. Lisa looks frightened, frightening, and miserable the whole time, and is continuously on the verge of tears. There's nothing easy, breezy, or beautiful about that. The real standout is the guy who yells "Quiet on the set" in Chinese. Where's his Seventeen cover shoot? Judging sees Heather getting a harsh critique, and she and Lisa land in the bottom two. In the end, Lisa gets sent back to the pole all broken-down and busted.
Previously: The girls were model muses for budding fashion designers, but Heather fumbled on the runway and felt fustration over her harsh critique. A photo shoot with a burning car in the hot, hot desert inspired creativity in some, and ass in Heather, Lisa, and Ambreal. All of the girls learned that they had to pack their bags, y'all. Six of them were going to China, but Ambreal was just going home. Six bitches remain!
We begin with the girls preparing to go to China. Bianca yells that they got China books, then helpfully adds, "Chiiiiinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" They pack like lunatics -- no one has apparently learned the wrinkle-free rolling method -- and Heather tells us that she's always wanted to go to China. That's because she's a fire sign, isn't it? Lisa, meanwhile, is a bit traumatized from being in the bottom two. She says that she's been strong for so long, but now it seems like the harder she tries, the harder she falls. God, I just want to give her, like, a balloon animal hat or a red, white, and blue popsicle or something. Stop being so freakin' sad, Lisa, you're bumming me out! Bianca asks Heather -- who's sitting on the floor packing -- if she could move so that Bianca could get out of the room. Heather continues to sit on the floor and pack without even acknowledging that someone has spoken to her. Bianca interviews that Heather is really annoying, and that she has to speak to her more than she has to speak to her little sister. Saleisha finally asks Heather to move so that Bianca can get through, and Heather does. Maybe Heather just turned off the Bianca frequency in her Asperg-ear? Bianca interviews that everyone there is Heather's mom, which is annoying, and then quietly adds, "Send her ass home," before cracking up and saying that she's mean and takes that back, though it would be easier if they did. And I do enjoy Heather, but I think that if I were actually in the house, I'd probably be a little annoyed by now.
Saleisha reminds us of how beautiful their house was before saying, who cares, they're going to China, and adding, "Let's get this party on the road." That's better than, "Let's have a party in your pants," but only slightly. Heather trails as the other girls yell, "Bye, Heather! We're going to China!" Okay, that's kind of mean. Heather is inexplicably dressed to the nines for their trip. We see the little animated plane with the girls' faces leave from L.A. and land in Shanghai approximately two seconds later. I imagine a lot of Thanksgiving travelers saw this and beat their TVs with turkey drumsticks.
The girls leave the Shanghai airport and head to their little mini-bus, with lots of squealing. They are impressed by the city as they drive through it, and Bianca interviews that everything is made in China, so all she's thinking about is shopping, shopping, shopping. A little lead paint might actually straighten Bianca right out. Heather tells the other girls that it's just sinking in that they're in the final six and in friggin' China, before interviewing that she's getting a little nervous. She's done well so far, but now that she's so close, she really doesn't want to be eliminated.
And now it's time for a lesson in cultural sensitivity featuring the Top Model girls! Let's play it out as a mini-dialogue:
Bianca: [looking at a restaurant sign written in Chinese, with the English words "Traditional Beijing Roastduck" underneath] I like the symbols and things like that!
Saleisha: You guys, I don't understand any of the signs!
Chantal: [excitedly] China is so full of colors!
Chantal: [in a subsequent interview] I had no clue that China was going to be this futuristic, like, amazing place. I feel like we're a part of The Jetsons or something... [thinks to herself] except everyone has slanty eyes and says, "Chong chong chong!" all the time, like the place where I get my manicures. Tee hee!
Saleisha: Woo! I can't believe we're in China!
Assorted girls: [waving to passersby] Ni hao! Ni hao!
Bianca: I like friendly people! Ones who don't flip me the bird. Look at the lights!
Heather: [in an interview] Shanghai is like no other city I've ever been to. Except, maybe, Las Vegas.
And, scene.
The girls get off the short bus and run to meet the Jays. Mr. Jay tells them that Shanghai is one of the international fashion ports that they will, they hope, get to work in one day. There is a quick cut, as Mr. Jay probably cracked the heck up after saying that and needed a minute to fix his makeup and regain his composure. Bianca interviews that she didn't take a fourteen-hour flight to China just to turn around and take a fourteen-hour flight back. She's there to stay, to win, and to go home happy. Jay sends them off to move into their new house, noting that the competition is going to get really, really tough.
And then the girls speed-travel through Chinese streets, accompanied by plunky Chinese music with a techno beat, to their new hotel penthouse suite. Bitches. There is Tyra Mail waiting for them. I'm surprised they didn't have to pull it out of a big fortune cookie. "Welcome to your new home in China." Saleisha: "Oh my God we're in China!" Clap clap jump!) Tyra Mail: "You're far from home but you're getting close to becoming America's Top Model. Love, Tyra." I'm always surprised when we see the text of the actual Tyra Mail and "you're" is spelled right. The girls run through their new abode, which Saleisha notes is gorgeous. However, she says, there are only five beds in the bedroom. I wish they'd go back to giving the girls at least a couple of different bedrooms. At their old place in L.A., I always kind of expected Saleisha to jump up one morning and start singing "It's a Hard Knock Life."
The girls flop down on various beds to claim them. Well, I should say, the girls minus Heather. She is bedless and pissed. The bed that Saleisha is on is a double, and Bianca points and says that they have to share. Oh, if this isn't a producer set-up meant to lead to lesbian hijinx, I don't know what is. Saleisha says that she's not sharing, and interviews that if you're not a male, she's not going to sleep with you, and that's that. Don't make us investigate what happened in T-Zone Bunker 15 after lights-out, Saleisha. We've seen Kristy McNichol movies before. Saleisha refuses to move, and says she doesn't think that she's being spoiled, while Heather gets really mad. It's like the sequel to the shower scene -- the one that's funny until Saleisha ends up blind and spends the rest of her life whipping around and yelling "Who's there?" every time she gets a whiff of egg roll. The other girls seem to think it's kind of amusing, and Lisa tells Heather that she can sleep in the divan in the living room, much to Bianca's delight. Heather storms off and says she's sick and friggin' tired of all this bull. Seriously, she might as well be wearing a prom dress covered in pig's blood right now.
Bianca asks Heather why she's crying and freaking out. We hear Jenah say that she'll sleep on the couch and doesn't care, and then cut to Bianca interviewing, "Ha ha! Heather was freaking out! That was so funny." She thanks Saleisha for making her day, and says that was hilarious. Now, see, this is just plain old mean-girl behavior, and I have never wished quite so hard for someone to actually have nefarious telekinetic powers. When Heather is obviously really upset, it's time to stop being a dick and just give her the bed. Heather interviews that the other girls walk all over her, and that she doesn't think they're taking her seriously. Bianca, with Heather right behind her, says again that it was so funny, and that Heather cracks her up. Heather says she wishes she could get the joke, and Bianca replies, "YOU. You the joke." Oooh, please let Heather get demon-face and grab Bianca by the skull and demon-voice, "It's impolite to use a sentence without a verb," and then crush said skull into smithereens! Heather tearfully interviews that she's really over it, but is not going to let this bring her down. Commercials.
When we return, Chantal interviews that there was a big drama about who was going to sleep where, and that Heather got emotional. She adds that she doesn't like to see anyone ganged up on, and Heather often is ganged up on. Chantal knows that Heather can be frustrating, but still sees fit to intervene. She asks if there are two girls who can share a bed, and Bianca quickly volunteers to share the bed with Jenah. She couldn't have done that half an hour ago? Bianca somehow thinks that she's being magnanimous for volunteering to share a bed with Jenah. She interviews that she knows Heather has a disability or whatever, but at the same time, she doesn't like the fact that Heather is twenty-one and needs people to stand up for her. Well, I'm not crazy about the fact that Bianca is eighteen and still needs to pick on people because she's jealous of how well they're doing, so let's call it even.
A gong announces Tyra Mail. Are we sure the girls shouldn't have to read it by paper lantern? The Tyra Mail reads, "I can't stand the fighting and the bitchiness in the house -- but I love it on set. Get ready to kick some ass! Love, Tyra." The girls think that this means acting and/or kung fu. Heather interviews that Bianca might be getting a little annoyed with her, but that she's giving up on stressing because she's wasting too much energy on it.
The morning, the girls head off to their challenge. Saleisha -- continuing in the vein of "Let's get this party on the road" -- says, "Let's rock and ro-oll." Chantal adds, "Kicking butt in China." It is pretty funny that the likes of these other five consider Heather to be annoying. Saleisha impolitely tells Heather to shut the door behind her, and we're off. They arrive at a film studio, where they meet their tour guide, Louis. He points out where the Jackie Chan movie The Mask was filmed, and then a couple folks come out of nowhere for a big karate battle. We get a reaction shot, and for some reason Lisa's tank top is all wet down the front. Louis reveals his true identity -- he's Louis Liu, a professional martial arts artist. He says that, in modeling, moving and using your body is very important, so today they'll be learning the basics of the Chinese martial arts form. Heather tells us that she loves the whole idea of martial arts and always wanted to learn it when she was a kid, but that her mom never let her. "Thanks a lot, Mom," she adds. I'm guessing her mom made up for it somehow.
The girls learn about seven positions, at a pretty brisk pace. Chantal tells us that it's really hard, and in fact is way harder than it looks. Yeah, because martial arts always looks so simple. Bianca tells us that she wanted to be positive, but that she's got to be her, and so she got sour. As it starts to rain, Louis tells the girls that he has one more surprise for them. He has them put on ornate robes and leads them into a courtyard, where two men are engaging in a martial arts battle. As Louis says that he'll be putting the girls to the test, the two men are lifted up on wires, à la Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The girls will be lifted two at a time, and will have to do the poses Louis calls out. Heather thinks this is total sweetness, but Bianca tells us that she has a really big fear of heights and thinks she's about to throw up. Where was this fear when they did the tall building shoot? And also: ha! Airborne karma.
Chantal and Jenah are up first. Chantal loves roller coasters and anything involving adrenaline, so she is excited. Jenah, of course, is a veteran climber, so she isn't worried about the height, but realizes that she's pretty much forgotten the moves. They laugh and squeal as they are hoisted up in the air. And I have to mention that the hoisting part is a little low-tech, involving four dudes pulling the rope, which is threaded through a big crane and attached to the girls' holsters. There was a similar setup in my high-school production of Peter Pan, in which Peter herself flew into a chimney at least once, on video, right between the lines, "I fly and I'm all over the place/you fly and you fall flat on your face," and was possibly the greatest moment in the history of western civilization ever captured on film. The lesson here is, don't trust the AV crew.
Lisa and Saleisha are up . Lisa is not particularly fond of being lifted off the ground, and says that, at first, her fear overtook her, but that it was a challenge, so she pulled it together. Saleisha thinks that they both did a great job with the poses, and adds that she had a great time doing it. Heather and Bianca prepare to be hoisted, and Bianca tells Heather that this might be the only time that she can kick Bianca's ass. Heather raises her hands in victory. Heh. Heather tells Bianca to calm down. Ah, role reversal at its best. Bianca interviews that some of the other girls want to hang off buildings and that sort of thing, but all she really wants to do is go shopping. Way to make your mark on the world, Bianca. As Bianca is situated in her holster, she notes that she's not sure she trusts four strangers to make her airborne, given that she doesn't even trust some family members. Well, I'm sure the crabapple doesn't fall far from the tree, so I can't blame her for that. As Bianca waffles about whether she will go up, Heather asks if she's going to let her fear take over her life, and notes that sometimes in modeling you have to pose in high places. Heather interviews that she, for one, has severe stage fright. Ah, that's some foreshadowing on a bed of fried rice, right there. Louis tells Bianca that if she doesn't take part in the challenge, she'll be disqualified. Not from the whole competition, sadly; just from winning the prize. Bianca says that she wants to do well, but she's not good at heights. As she tries to decide what to do, we head to commercials.
When we return, Chantal fills us in on Bianca's fear of heights before telling us that the whole thing really wasn't that high at all. I would comment on her lack of sympathy if I felt that Bianca actually deserved any sympathy. Bianca decides to do it and prays before the four guys hoist her and Heather up. Heather strikes her martial arts pose, but Bianca just kind of looks distressed and asks them to let her down. Once down, she wants the wires taken off. She tells us that she's not going to risk her life, and that someone can't force you to get over her fear. Is it me or does she not really look all that scared? I mean, with Ambreal, you could tell that she was shaking just to go on the roof of a building. Bianca's just sort of like, "Oooh, it's so high. Wah." In any case, Bianca's disqualified. Saleisha interviews that she was scared but still did it, and thinks Bianca should have just tried, because you never know when a designer is going to want his gowns shot in the air. I guess that's true. All of this just lead me to reflect on how this show has cyclically affected my perceptions of modeling. At first, I was like, "Modeling is so stupid," and then I kind of became convinced that modeling was hard for a little while, and now I'm back to thinking it's stupid again. Thanks, Tyra, for making me question then reaffirm my beliefs!
But I digress. Heather goes up by herself on the wire and does a great job. She's so excited about it, and Saleisha tells us that she looked really graceful doing the martial arts poses in the air. Heather does so well, in fact, that she wins the challenge. Yay! Her prize is 4,000 rmb, which equals $532.18. She gets to use the money to go on a shopping spree in Shanghai city, and can share her prize with one other girl. She chooses Chantal. Oh, good. Heather interviews that she probably would have chosen Bianca, since Bianca wanted to go shopping so much, but this is a little tough love. And, sadly, I think she means tough love because Bianca didn't partake in the challenge, and not tough love because Bianca is CONSISTENTLY TOTALLY MEAN TO HER and actually told her "You the joke" and should never even be CONSIDERED when Heather has a prize to share. Oh, Heather. In any case, Chantal and Heather shop and have fun and feel like giants in a land of little people.
Back at the penthouse, there is Tyra Mail. "Tomorrow you will channel your inner queen, and let your beauty reign. Love, Tyra." Jenah thinks it might have something to do with dynasties. Oh, please let Heather and Bianca have to act out the Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan versus Dominique Devereaux catfight!
The models walk by people doing tai chi in the city on their way to the shoot. Jenah tells us that the models were told each girl should bring an outfit that describes her personality. I hope Bianca remembered to pack her coat made of puppies! The girls meet up with Jay Manuel and Brent Poer, the representative for Cover Girl. He tells the girls that they're going to be shooting a print ad and a commercial for the Cover Girl Queen Collection. Is it just me, or is the Queen Collection totally not for white girls? I mean, which, great, but I don't know how putting Chantal and Heather in black face is going to fly. "Every woman is a queen" is the new campaign for the Queen Collection. Wow, I wonder how many tries it took the ad department to come up with that one. "Every woman is...a fairy riding on the back of a unicorn? No, no, that's not quite it. Every woman is...a siren luring sailors to their doom? No, no, too literate. Wait, I think I've got it!" Anyway, today is all about the girls showing their real selves, and showcasing their inner and outer beauty. Hoo boy. The girls have to learn a script, but there's a place in it where they get to share something about themselves and make it their own. God, I hope nobody sleeps with a nightlight. Jay tells them to get it together and prove that they can be cover girls.
Lisa interviews that everything that made her strong in the competition has flown out the window, so she needs to step her game up. I hate to tell her, but sometimes it is pretty hard to come back from a crippling lack of self-esteem. The girls practice their lines in makeup. Heather tells us that she doesn't know why, but that every time she has to memorize lines, she chokes. If she's going to go farther in the competition, she says, she'll have to step up. Sutan helpfully advises the girls that every queen is not a woman, and Bianca tells him that he is the only exception. Chantal is sad about the fact that they have to wear their own clothes, probably because they all own crap clothes, while Lisa jokes that when they told the girls to be themselves, they didn't really factor in that she's from Jersey.
Saleisha is up first. Jeffrey Chu is the director of photography, and we get our first glimpse of my favorite bit player of the episode: the guy in the gray t-shirt who yells, "No talking, quiet on the set!" Saleisha does a great job, much in the vein that Tootie Ramsey would if she were given the opportunity to film a Cover Girl commercial. She's very bubbly. Her reason for being a queen is stupid, though. She says, "I'm a queen because...well, who doesn't want to be a queen?" I mean, not me. All you do is hunt ducks and deal with the death of Princess Di and then have everyone think you're a real blowhard. No thanks. No matter, though. Brent seems like he just had a spontaneous orgasm from Saleisha's delivery. Jay tells Saleisha that her energy was great, and just suggests that she not look around like she's asking if she got it at the end of the commercial. Why does no one mention the fact that she's wearing a short backless halter vest over a tunic tank top? She does one more take, which everyone loves. She does her photo shoot and looks like she's on top of the world.
Bianca is up . Her makeup indicates that she is Queen Bozo the Clowness. Brent tells her just to relax, and that she's not in front of a firing squad. Her delivery kind of sucks, mostly because of her caustic speaking voice, but her reason for being a queen rocks Brent's socks: "I'm a queen because I have flaws, but I make them beautiful." That is pretty good. I don't know if it's true, but it sounds nice, and Brent thinks Bianca's believable. Then again, he's wearing a gold medallion, so take his feedback as you will. She looks cute in her photo shoot, too.
And then there's Heather. She interviews that she thinks she'd make a pretty good Cover Girl because she's not a girly-girl. Does she know what Cover Girl is? I don't know about Heather's makeup and hair, either. She's definitely looked a lot prettier. Ooh! But there's the "Quiet on the set!" guy! Hey, buddy! Rocking the grey t-shirt, as always. But I digress. At this point of the season, you're all pretty familiar with Heather's speaking abilities, so I don't think I have to go into detail about how bad she is. She gets frustrated instantly, and makes a whole litany of faces. Jay and Brent tell her that her footage is going to be really hard to edit if she keeps doing that, so when she messes up, she should look into the camera and smile. She does not do this, sadly. Jay tells her that they're going to feed her the lines, so all she has to do is repeat one line at a time. Bianca looks on with glee as Heather struggles even with this. Jay tells us that Heather couldn't mimic the performance level he was looking for, so it wasn't even a matter of memorization. Heather is a queen because she's unique, and is very dramatically proud of it. Jeffrey Chu has maybe the quote of the episode as he says, "Jay is trying to help her, feeding her the lines. But, uh...I don't think work out really well." I mean, I guess the inability to speak didn't really hurt Jaslene. But thinking about twelve weeks worth of Heather's My Life as a Cover Girl spots does make me cringe a little.
Jenah is , looking more like an albino with Alfred E. Neuman's teeth than ever. There's something about the Cover Girl camera that just brings the chompers to the forefront. She goes through a lot of takes, and I'm afraid that her teeth are actually going to accidentally poke through my TV screen and take a chunk out of my foot, unawares. Those things are dangerous. Jay tells us that Jenah looked the part of a cover girl, and that her performances were more genuine and believable. You know they cut him off before he could add, "...but those TEETH." I am not even kidding.
Chantal is , looking like the freaking Swiss Miss. Saleisha has the nerve to mimic Chantal's delivery, which is like the bubble calling the other bubble soapy. I have this sad feeling that Saleisha is going to win. Chantal is a queen because she loves and pampers herself. Of course. I mean, she looks like the Dairy Queen, but this is another matter. Jay loves the girl--door quality that Chantal has, and says that innocence serves her well in the ad. When she's done, Jay says that it was really good, but Brent doesn't look particularly impressed. Jeffrey thinks that Chantal is gorgeous and has great potential.
Oh, and then Lisa. Brent tells her to talk to the camera like she's talking to a friend. If all of her friends are in a similar line of work, that might not be such a good idea. Lisa instantly looks like she's about to burst into tears, and the fact that she can't get through a line doesn't help. Jay gives her a pep talk and tells her to get the nerves out. She starts again, and as soon as she flubs something, the tears are back. Jay tells her not to get so upset, and says that they're not expecting her to be perfect. And really, the last thing you want is your Cover Girl to look like she's in pain. Christie Brinkley just kept on smiling through her two messy divorces, you know? It's what you do. Jay interviews that the problem was that Lisa was only focused on failing, and instantly broke down in tears. Seriously, it's like a commercial for a domestic violence hotline. That's not going to sell a whole lot of shimmery shiny goo. Jay calls cut, and Lisa tells us that she's still going to pull it together in her photo shoot. Saleisha says that one of Lisa's challenges through her whole life has been not to let things overpower her or get to her. Saleisha tries to give Lisa some advice, which Lisa really does not want to hear. Saleisha is very indignant about this, to which I say there are some times to keep your know-it-all-ism to yourself, Tyra Jr. Lisa confessionalizes that, at this point, she's the only person who has to sweat. And is doing so, by the looks of it. Commercials.
When we return, everyone in China is moving in fast-forward, as they are wont to do. There is Tyra Mail, which announces impending elimination for one unlucky sod. Lisa interviews that she wants to be America's Top Model more than she's ever wanted anything. Bianca asks Lisa what she's going to do if she goes home, and Lisa says, "Cry." Lisa says that she has what it takes to be a model, but that her confidence is under the table right now. Seriously, she's not even a shell of herself. She's a shell of, like, Heather. Bianca interviews that the competition is getting really serious, and that she's not going to go home because she didn't want to fly thirty feet in the air. She says that they won't send her home for that because she won't let them. Oooh, for reals, I can't wait for the day when Bianca is eliminated, ideally instead of Heather. As Bianca herself would say, things are gonna get real ugly. Heather, meanwhile, says that she knows she's not perfect at modeling. She has strengths, but she also has weaknesses, and though she loves being in the competition, or in China, or wherever she thinks she is right now as she tries to figure out how to use a Cover Girl compact, there may be a huge chance she's going home.
And then it's time for Shanghai Panel! There are prizes, there are judges, there are gongs. I'm surprised there's not a big picture of Chairman Mao behind Tyra. Jeffrey Chu, the director of photography for the Cover Girl commercial, is the guest judge.
Lisa is up first for evaluation. Oh, brace yourselves. In her commercial, she says that she's a queen because she's strong and she's focused. Add "and I have great organizational skills" and she could be on the fast track to a career as a medical technician in no time! Hint, hint. The sad thing is that Lisa actually sounds pretty good, but just looks like she's going to break down any second. Miss J. asks whether she was about to cry, Nigel calls her the queen of nerves, and Twiggy says that she could see the panic in her eyes. That's just what you want in a Cover Girl. Tyra tells Lisa that if she thinks she's going to cry, she should cry. Because if you don't, you'll just be on the verge of tears for the whole shoot. She makes a decent point, there, I guess. Let it out and let it go, as long as you don't mess up your eye makeup. It's like a Zen koan. Lisa's photo is actually really great. Nigel thinks she looks charming, approachable, and real, which is the kind of queen that Queen Latifah is after. Jeffrey gives her credit for being able to deliver a photo like this immediately after being so shaken in the commercial shoot. Tyra notes that Lisa becomes very self-conscious at critique, and while what the panel says may seem harsh, it's actually constructive and doesn't even rate to the shit they're going to hear if they try this stuff for real.
Chantal is , and her commercial is super-cute. At least, Tyra thinks so, though she notes that Chantal is more like a princess than a queen. Tyra secretly hates Chantal, I think. Nigel loves Chantal's nose wrinkle at the end of the commercial, which makes the whole thing extra-charming. When the judges see Rebecca's photo, Miss J. calls her Rebecca From Sunnybrook Farm. Tyra adds that it's about being a queen, not milking a cow. Chantal realizes that her outfit was super-stupid. Tyra tells her that she has to watch how she smiles in photos, because the big cheesy grin is not fashion.
Bianca is , and Tyra asks her about not completing the challenge. Bianca says that she has issues trusting strangers, and Miss J. tells her that she's in the wrong business. Oh, snap! I think Miss J.'s commercial should say, "Girrrrl! I'm a queen because I don't even have to wave my finger in your face." Tyra tells Bianca that her commercial was flawed and a mess, but that she looked beautiful. Miss J. tells us that he was a queen when he came out of the womb. He probably did have tiny sparkly stiletto heels on, which I imagine wasn't too pleasant for his mother. Jeffrey says that Bianca was fluid with her lines, but that the pacing wasn't so hot. Bianca's photo gets a lukewarm reaction. Tyra says that they chose it because it showed a beautiful black woman who is a queen: she has a little bit of funky attitude, but is also approachable.
Then there's Jenah, who's wearing a really cute dress. She actually looks pretty great standing there, but looks like a total f'ing freak in her commercial. Nigel asks Jenah what her own critique would be of the commercial, and she says she thought she did pretty well. Nigel tells her that she lacks charm. Well, now that Ebony's gone, someone had to fill that gap. Nigel thinks that she didn't deliver the lines with any sincerity or sweetness. She looks great, he says, which is why she's there, but now they want to take it to a new level. He asks if she knows what he means, and she says yes, and then he says in the creepiest child-molester voice, with the creepiest child-molester look in his eyes, that he doesn't want to tell her again. While Jenah may lack charm, I think Nigel lacks the ability to control when he's going to turn into a total skeeve. Weird. The judges love her photo even though you can't see her face and it looks like she has a steel rod in her neck. Maybe they just wanted to stop her from reporting to the Chinese authorities that Nigel touched her in a bad place with his eyes.
And then there's Saleisha. Twiggy says that she's an actress, and looked absolutely beautiful in her commercial. Nigel likes the way Saleisha is moving her shoulders around and touching her neck at Panel, and points it out to all the other girls. Saleisha's photo is just okay: she has a squinty puffy face and looks like she has bags under her eyes. Tyra says that she also has a problem with her prominent lower lid and then, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! It's a photo of Tyra without makeup. A little warning would be nice time, guys. She says something about brown makeup making the bags recede. Yes, two pounds of brown makeup. Lord.
Oh, and finally we have Heather. You know how her commercial went. Tyra says that Mr. Jay said Heather couldn't mimic the performance level he wanted even when he was feeding her lines. Tyra says that she's going to be hard on Heather because she has to if the competition is going to be fair. She says that they're not going to expect her to remember it all -- they know that she has Asperger's and ADHD and "other things." What are the other things? Undeaditis, perhaps? Tyra says that they know all this, and so Heather gets fed her lines, which is a type of favoritism some of the other girls probably object to. Why, I've never heard that from anyone! In any case, Tyra says that if Heather was being fed lines, every one of her line readings should have been fantastic. Nigel tells her to focus and make sure she does the things she can do right. Jeffrey adds a succinct "Don't make funny face," and tells her to assume that the camera is still rolling if she doesn't hear "cut." Heather's photo gets raves, however, and Twiggy says that this is the first time they've really seen her smiling on camera. Nigel says that they might want to see a little more of this side, in fact.
Deliberations! The judges agree that none of the girls did particularly well, but some really sunk/stunk. One of these is Lisa, who also can't handle critique. Jeffrey likes her presence, however, and Miss J. hopes that that she can pull it together because she's one of his favorites. Chantal's commercial was Tyra's and Twiggy's favorite. Twiggy loves Heather's look, but doesn't know if she'd be able to hold it together if she got a real job with a client. Nigel thinks Heather is conquering herself. Tyra notes, though, that she didn't expect Heather to pull off a smiling and sweet photo. Saleisha is friendly and approachable, but Miss J. doesn't see a whole lot of improvement. Nigel, however, says that you can see her potential, and Tyra notes that inner beauty goes a long way. Twiggy loves Jenah's photograph, but Nigel isn't fond of Jenah herself. He says she seems to think that she deserves to be there because she's pretty, but that he doesn't see any inner beauty. I think the teeth are holding it in like a big, enamel-coated cage. Tyra isn't sure if Jenah is particularly invested in the competition. Bianca's delivery on her commercial was hideous, but as always, she has that famous winning smile. Nigel isn't impressed by her at all, though. He's so salty today!
The girls return. Six girls, five photos. You know the Chinese fire drill. Tyra tells the girls that they did poorly overall, but that one of them rose to the top of the pile. And that's Chantal, who is delighted. Saleisha gets her photo , followed by Bianca and Jenah. This leaves Heather and Lisa in the bottom two. Since Heather is so much fun to have around, and Lisa is a total drag who bums us out week after week, Heather gets a photo. Bye Lisa! The other girls actually look kind of shocked. Tyra tells Lisa to build up her self-esteem and strength, and for a minute looks like she's going to bust into Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." In her outro, Lisa continues to be kind of a Debbie Downer, saying that being there is a leap over what a lot of people would be able to do, and is something nobody would expect her to be able to do, period. This is why Tyra has to have Lisa on her talk show and offer her a free year of therapy or something. Lisa says that she's not going to walk away a loser. This is the biggest thing that's happened to her, but she expects bigger things in the future. I hope none of them involves her dancing in a bikini.
week: Go-sees! And Jenah starts to get a little nervous.