It's the clip show! Yes, we really have reached the halfway point of the season. It just flew by, like so many birds into a glass door. But more about that later. Tyra begins the episode by again stating her life's mission: (1) to expand what America considers beautiful; (2) to question what makes a model; and (3) to open up the world of fashion to young women everywhere. That is so not catchy. I think she'd be better off with, "Turn out some fierce bitches and trick the ignorant into believing I'm relatable. Watch The Tyra Banks Show, syndicated nationally!"
Anyway, Tyra personally -- because she's a regular gal, just like you and me, and isn't afraid to use a telephone herself, as long as it's been adequately sanitized beforehand, especially if Nigel "Cooties" Barker has been using it -- called 33 semifinalists to give them the news that they were going to the Caribbean. We get to see little clips of some of the semifinalists' reactions, and now we actually know who they are! Ebony is wearing THE SAME UGLY DRESS that she inexplicably loves so much. Seriously, she looks like Maddie Hayes forced to do her best to pick out a stylish outfit at the Salvation Army. Oy. We also get to see Jenah before she got the Weave of Death rubber-cemented to her hair, which is both enjoyable and depressing. Ebony yells, "I love you Tyra!" which is most certainly the sound of irony. Listen to it clang.
We begin for reals in the Caribbean, where Captain Miss J. "Merrill" Stubing has a "fashion checkpoint." Basically, it's like What Not to Wear, but Miss J. just throws out the girls' ugly clothes with no replacements or credit card loaded with cash. As we know that at least half of them are the progeny of crack whores, this doesn't seem very nice. I am also baffled at how Ebony's favorite dress got through. Bianca has a duct-taped suitcase, which you can't really fault her for. Miss J. throws out a pair of black tights. Hey! I love black tights. Bianca interviews that she doesn't have to be ghetto, even though she has her moments. Those moments are called, "Episodes 1 - 6." Don't get me wrong, I love the girl, but her stank has been particularly well documented. She's really good-natured about the fashion checkpoint, though. Jennifah from Walpole -- aww, remember her! -- says that if Miss J. throws away her clothes or shoes, she'll die. Well, then, I guess she'll suffer a naked death. And then there is a girl who we never actually saw at semi-finals, who has a retainer. Miss J. asks if she can remove it for photos. She takes it out, and yikes! There's a tooth attached to it. Sometimes I get the feeling that what makes it to the air really just scratches the mold-ridden surface. It's truly a Halloween house of horrors.
Tyra voices over, "Right away, some strong personalities began to surface." And the catalyst strong personality belongs to Ebony, who asks if the rest of the girls want to play a game and figure out who has an eating disorder. When Marvita challenges her, Ebony gets super-stank and interviews something about knowing that she's fabulous and maybe she just intimidates the other models. See, the thing about Ebony is that she was totally trying to get on the show as the bitch, but I don't think that's her real personality at all. The inherent flaw in her plan is that there are bound to be at least two or three legitimate bitches who will beat you down and make you cry, and that's not even including Tyra Banks. I love how Marvita basically gives Ebony a verbal bitch-slap and then calmly adds, "That wasn't a nice thing to say." Aw, I wish Marvita had made it.
When it came time to meet the panel, some girls showed their winning personalities. One of these was Janet, who displayed her bikini-waxing technique on a doggie-style Tyra. Janet thinks this is evidence of how down-to-earth Tyra is, but I suspect it has more to do with Tyra desperately needing to get some. It's lonely being a multimedia mogul. We then finally get the reasoning behind the name "Spontaniouse." Spontaniouse tells us that she was so quick coming out of the womb that her mom didn't even have time to make it to the hospital. The fact that this name wasn't chosen while her mother was doped up on some birthing meds makes it even worse. Spontaniouse tells us that she was working at Wendy's, but they fired her, I suppose because she got really cranky when her weave got hot. Well, at least now we won't have to worry that she'll name her own child "Fryolateur. Then there's Heather, who has Asperger's. I think we've gotten enough information about this during the season that I don't have to repeat it.
And then, ooooooooooh! Tyra voices over, "But sometimes a pretty face can be deceiving." Yes, it's Ebony. She was super-stank at her audition, even though you can see her crack as soon as Tyra tells her the other girls don't like her. Tyra voices over that, with the competition heating up, Bianca was turned off by Ebony's undesirable attitude. I mean, that's like saying the pot and the kettle had a baby and named it "Calphalonne." Riding on their little mini-bus, a girl, I think perhaps the one with the retainer, tries to make some small talk with Ebony. Ebony's reply is, "I'm not here to make friends. I have friends already at home. I'll start remembering names when I make it to the house." Bianca, who is sitting across the aisle, makes a priceless faceless expression and then loudly says, "So corny." Oooh. Ebony is all, "Are you talkin' to me?" Bianca interviews that Ebony has no personality, and people can feel the diva-ness coming off of her. I bet they can smell it, too. Ebony again asks if Bianca was referring to her, and Bianca yells, as the rest of the bus quiets down, that who else would she be talking about? Ebony repeats that she's not there to make friends, and Bianca says that means she's fearful of things. Well, if she has any sense at all right now she's fearful of Bianca.
The girls then met Jaslene on the beach, and did a photo shoot in the water. Chantal reminds us how much she wants to be a model. Meanwhile, a couple of girls confront Ebony pretty nicely about the fact that she's being such an asshole. Ebony says she's too cute to argue. Ebony interviews that she'll do anything it takes, and that includes lowering another bitch's self esteem to make her insecure. Now the irony sounds like church bells.
Meanwhile, Tyra gives all the girls one last chance to tell her why they should be part of the lucky thirteen. Stupid Mila says that she will be America's Top Model because her look will sell clothes that she wears in ads, on the runway, and in everyday life. But will it also sell giant slip-on bubbleheads? Because otherwise, I think it's plain she's not really a contender. Tyra pretends to smile, but you can tell that it's actually a grimace. Mila tells us how, when she goes to New York, everyone tells her she should be a model. That is apparently the New York of her own reality, which she has been living in since a very young age. Bianca feels she's going to be America's Top Model because she's going to stay true to herself and where she's from, even though she's from someplace horrible and that doesn't determine who she is. And...wait, what does that actually mean? Is she going to be horrible or not? Well, I guess we kind of already have the answer to that one. Victoria wants to be America's Top Model because she's tired of being the nerd. As she says this, she seductively takes off her hoodie and lets her hair down. She interviews that if she wins she'll be a role model, since the girls who have won are very beautiful, but maybe not as articulate as she'd want them to be. With Jaslene as the reigning champ, it's hard to argue with Tory on this one.
And then, the final thirteen are chosen. Tyra tells them they're there because they're beautiful, yes, but also because they were vulnerable and told their stories without holding back. Basically, they're the freaks of the bunch. Or, they're the freaks who passed the psych test. Celebrate good times, come on!
The girls settle into their new home, with its thirteen beds and bangin' kitchen and runway. Victoria tells us that living with twelve other girls is no picnic. There's a lot of talking, a lot of screaming, and a lot of running around. I maybe could have done this during college, but I have to say if someone put me in that situation now, I would certainly be America's Top Model, because all of the other contenders would be dead. We then hear a giant crash, and Kimberly confessionalizes that something very tragic, but very exciting, but very not funny just happened. We get a little title card for MSI: L.A. -- yes, that's Model Scene Investigation: L.A., as Kimberly tells us that as she was cooking her veggie burger, because real meat is bad, she heard a "BAM" During this confessional, Ambreal is sitting to Kimberly, and Bianca is behind them holding a cloth to her face. Turns out, Bianca ran into a glass door. Yes, it's as we've always suspected. Just like birds, all models are blind! And we thought it was just Amanda. The other girls stare at Bianca's greasy face print on the glass and crack up. Bianca notes that the door is very clean. She actually busted open her lip. Ambreal tells us to tune in week to see who makes an ass of themselves. Kimberly looks at her and says, "Ass, though?" and Ambreal assures her they can put "ass" on TV. And do, every week, with an encore on Sunday.
And then, smoking side-effect shoot! Ugh, I do not need to relive this. We see Heather's awkwardness in having to pose with Saleisha. She interviews that she tries as hard as she can, but her disability does affect how she interacts with people. Lisa did a good job of looking super-sad, and tells us that for the majority of her life, she's been trying to get her mom to stop smoking. Given that she was in foster care for six years, I imagine she has been trying to get her mom to stop doing a lot of things. Mila, on the other hand, couldn't take her chemotherapy-induced hair loss seriously. She does look pretty ridiculous. The first shoot was barely in the bag when Bianca and Lisa shared a few "choice words." Oooh, this was when they had it out and Bianca totally told Lisa that America's Top Model isn't going to be a stripper, and Lisa told her that if she wants to bring it to that f'ing level, she can bring it to that f'ing level. That really was below the belt. Even Ebony, when she was pretending to be all stank, probably wouldn't have gone there. And then, to the surprise of no one, Mila went home. Well, she claims it will be to the surprise of her friends, but even though those friends are imaginary, I doubt that they'll be totally blindsided. Commercials.
When we return, we're reminded of something that never really became a storyline: the smoking ban! Yes, that's right. At the first panel, Tyra announced that this would be a no-smoking season. Smoker Jenah says that she's about to eat a cigarette. That's gross, in accordance with Jenah in general. Jenah deals with her frustration by throwing koosh balls at the other girls. Oooh! Hit Saleisha! And let that be a rock disguised as a koosh ball! But bad habits weren't the only thing that Jenah broke. We learn that Jenah was swimming in the pool one night and, she says, "I was just swimming and I floated up gently and just filed my tooth right down." The fuck? The water is so chlorinated that it can eat away teeth? God knows Jenah can't close her lips over those buck fangs, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Jenah, however, didn't know what happened because, she says, she can open beer bottles with her teeth. Can and did repeatedly, which is how, I guess, she smashed her face against the bottom of the pool. I mean, there is a huge chunk missing from the bottom of her tooth. Maybe this is actually all part of Jenah's plan to get those suckers filed down some day, some way. Janet assures Jenah that the show isn't going to let her look all busted like that. Ah, such comforting words from the mom of the house. Jenah takes a trip to our old friend, Dr. Edgardo Falcon, Jr., the dentist. He fixes up her broken tooth with no problems, and it looks the same as before, unfortunately.
When we return, we learn that Bianca, upset by Kimberly's elimination, went to the bathroom to "let it all out." We hear lots and lots of running water. I don't know what this means. Oh, wait, yes I do. And let me tell you how much I'd like to return to my state of ignorant bliss. Heather stands outside the door and tells Bianca not to clog up the toilet. Alas, her words are in vain, and Janet has to teach Bianca how to unclog the toilet. This just goes to show that while verbally abusing your competitors releases some bile, there still may be mounds stored up somewhere inside. Bianca likes Janet. I guess if you flush Bianca's shit down the toilet, you are safe from her tirades at least for a little while. That is like a challenge win in itself, is it not?
And then, makeover time! The girls go to the Ken Paves salon. Jenah gets the Pee-Colored Weave of Death, but doesn't seem to mind. Sarah also loves her new short cut. Things didn't go so well for Bianca, however, and she got her hair shaved the hell off. If irony makes a clang, karma sounds just like an electric razor. Miss J. tells her that she might be sad and crying, but that's the business. I do enjoy when the Jays get tough with the girls at makeover time. Bianca says that she's going to make something of this and win. Eh, we'll see. Meanwhile, Miss J. wears Ebony's old weave while Jay gets a Blonde Death Weave of his own.
Back at home, Saleisha struggles with her Tootie cut, saying it's the tightest weave she's ever had in her life. She tells us that you wouldn't think it, but this experience is stressful. She just doesn't know what to do with that cut. Oh, throw on an argyle sweater and knee socks and beg Mrs. Garrett to take you to a Jermaine Jackson concert. I do have to give Saleisha credit, though, for being smart enough to keep the tears at home and know that she has to go into judging acting confident and like she loves it. Jenah, meanwhile, found a big hunk of hair somewhere and so is tormenting Ambreal with it. Ambreal apparently has a phobia about hair. It's not like Jenah pulled it out of the shower drain. Jenah then tells us that once in a while, Ambreal would do something really crazy. And that crazy thing was flushing the spare weave down the toilet. Those poor guys at Roto-Rooter. I don't even want to know all the things they see.
For their photo shoot, the girls were made up as flowers. Ebony tells us that the last thing she wants to do is go home, so she's going to bring it all. She does, and so does Lisa. Victoria, meanwhile, put too much thought into her cactus pose, and Chantal had a hard time thinking for herself as Jay and the photographer gave conflicting advice. And then it was time for panel. As Tyra says, "Victoria's attitude at panel had been consistently argumentative, particularly with Twiggy." We get Victoria's greatest hits (at Twiggy) as she asks what's unusual about her, and denies being prickly. Tyra tells Victoria that she confuses showing personality with showing abrasiveness. I do think that's fair. An eliminated Victoria tells us that she gets really nervous at panel and comes off as abrasive, but really she's not like that at all. See, that's also fair. She adds that she doesn't think she was one of the prettiest girls there, but interesting is better than pretty. I think Victoria confuses nervous abrasiveness with being interesting. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for Jenah to play a prank on Sarah. Who knew Jenah, like, actually did anything? Sarah takes off her bikini to in the hot tub and Jenah tries to grab it. And then...Jenah does grab it. It's all very exciting. They run through the house, and it's boobie madness. Sarah says she loves Jenah, and that running through the house together naked really makes you bond with someone. The thing I can't get over about this scene is that Sarah is supposed to be plus-sized.
Later, it's time for a posing teach with Benny Ninja. On trampolines. See, if Jenah would have broken a tooth here, it would have made sense. Janet says that she's not so sure about the trampoline, but in modeling, there are things that you're not going to be fond of. Naomi Campbell. Ambreal does a great job. Later on, a revealing game brought the girls closer together. Basically, they all get scraps of paper, and I think with each scrap of paper you pick, you have to tell something about yourself. Heather says the bedtime movie she used to watch as a kid was Terminator 2. Heather is the classic "so wrong it's right," isn't she? Saleisha cheerily says she is afraid of spiders. Then Bianca tells them that the point is to tell really emotional stuff. I think she's just gathering ammunition, but if the rest of them haven't wised up by now, they deserve what they get. Heather says until she got to high school she thought she was ugly. Her and the rest of the world. Okay, except Chantal. But don't make me tell you all about my thirteen-year-old permed bangs.
During this same confessional fun hour, Bianca says she's confrontational now because when she was younger, she got picked on a lot, and she's been hurt in her life, so she has a hard exterior around her. See, the thing I like about Bianca is that she knows the game so well she doesn't even need Typrah Winbanks to drag this out of her in an intervention sequence. Chantal is crying, and she interviews that Bianca has done a real 180 from being super-stank to being happy and friendly. Maybe she's like Samson? Jenah tells the others that they're some of the bravest and most confident and real people she's ever met, and she thinks they're all a lot cooler and a lot more confident and a lot better than she will ever be. And a lot less albino-looking, for sure.
It was then time for the girls to push their posing skills to the edge, as their photo shoot saw them transform into high fashion gargoyles on a skyscraper. Jenah was psyched about being a gargoyle, and did a great job, while Bianca finally learned to smile with her eyes. Wait, I thought it was the shoot where she learned to smile with her eyes? I wish this show would get its story straight. Meanwhile, Lisa was able to let her guard down and really get into character. Janet and Ambreal, however, didn't have so much luck. Ambreal is very afraid of heights, and just couldn't get into it. Janet, meanwhile, wasn't engaging in what Jay told her and couldn't figure out how to make her body animal-like but still make the garment flattering. What? I see anteaters wearing couture gowns all the time and they work it, so if they can be fierce with that snout, posing like a gargoyle should be cake. Janet went home, but was proud that she was able to teach Bianca how to flush a toilet during her tenure. Commercials.
When we return, it's time for a surprise visit with Tyra! Oooh, I actually like her dress for once, even though it causes her to tell her everyone that she had to practice sitting down so her panties wouldn't show. I must take this moment to interject that my favorite part of this interview with Victoria is not her tale of how Tyra thought Victoria was going to throw shoes at her, but rather that they make the girls do multiple takes of their reactions when Tyra comes in a room. Because Tyra's a down-to-earth homegirl like that. In any case, Tyra is there to talk about the modeling industry and body image. And then, it is time for the obvious voice-over of the season. Tyra begins saying that every girl in this room, if they all continue in the modeling industry, will be told to lose weight. She continues, "And when you make a decision to be a model..." And then, it's like a dubbed Japanese movie as Tyra's lips say one thing, and her obvious voice-over voice says, "You'll probably face challenges concerning your weight. So I brought two people with me today to talk about this issue." I mean, what could she have said that was so dumb they had to dub that over it? You know it was something like, "And when you make a decision to be a model, realize that one day you too might be telling everyone to kiss your fat 161-pound ass on your talk show, and while that really generates a lot of publicity, it's also kind of humiliating."
Dr. Laurie Polis enters. She has a facility and organization that deals with beauty from the inside out. What does that even mean? Either it's a center for eating disorders or they just plow you with a lot of expensive vitamins and force you to do meditation, is my guess. And then the second person to talk about this issue is Cycle 6 winner Dani. Tyra says she's very proud of Dani, and how she handled being told to lose weight. Dani tells her story, saying that when she moved to New York, she was told to lose weight immediately. She freaked out since she was thin already, and didn't know if she should go ahead and lose the weight or go home. And her first instinct was to call Tyra. Who knew Dani had such bad instincts? Tyra says that her first instinct when Danielle called her was anger. Is anger really an instinct? I think what Tyra means is that her first instinct was to tell the world to kiss her fat ass yet again. But Tyra knew how thin Dani was already, and said that they needed to figure out a plan so Dani didn't sacrifice her spirit or her health, but could live her dream. Wait, so basically Danielle called Tyra and Tyra helped her figure out how to lose weight. This is the lesson? Dani said she started eating healthy and exercising, and she got the weight off. I mean, it's better than the "low-carb coke and meth diet" that's all the rage now, but still.
Dr. Laurie Polis then interjects to ask the girls what they would do if they were in Dani's position. Bianca says she wouldn't want to sacrifice her health, but would always try as hard as she could to get the job. Jenah doesn't think she would ever compromise herself. Lisa says she's been trying her whole life to gain weight and get a butt, so no way would she diet. Sarah doesn't know what she would do, and says that she's not only too big but too small. She interviews that her weight is an issue, because she's a normal-sized girl. That really is crazy, isn't it? Ambreal says she has her imperfections that she wants to work on, but it's not to the point where she wants to be skinny. She interviews that she's going to do all that she can in a healthy way to get where she needs to be. Heather starts crying and says that she's always struggled with her weight, but in the opposite direction, because she was too skinny. Her prescription for Adderall made her lose her appetite, and she got to the point where she would get dizzy and faint. Dr. Polis says that it's going to be stressful, because girls get pelted with perfectionism. However, they should listen to the positive messages and feed them to themselves. Eating a positive message instead of a cheeseburger will really help you lose those last ten pounds. I guess we've all learned something today. Dani tells the girls not to give up, and to stick in there if this is what they really want to do. So basically, enjoy that lettuce! Tyra voices over, "Do not obsess about your weight, and stay healthy." That might have been good advice to give when they were actually in the room.
Oh, and then we get to relive the day that Tyson Beckford came to town! Tyra sets up this clip by saying that in the Top Model house, weeks can pass without the girls interacting with the opposite sex. HA! I love how the Jays and all the hair and makeup folks don't even count. Anyway, Tyson gave the girls a new focus for their male fantasies. I guess it is pretty hard to imagine Jenah whispering, "Oh Sutan!" in her dreams. We see the girls try to spokesmodel for items from the kitchen. Saleisha has a cheese grater, and says that when her man wakes up hungry in the night, she makes him a grilled cheese sandwich. Because there's nothing to turn on your partner like hands that smell like a big block o' cheddar. ["Not to mention: who in the hell needs a cheese grater to make a grilled-cheese sandwich?" -- Miss Alli] We then see Heather with her fingerprint-proof and lipstick-proof wine glass. Heather confessionalizes that she has a sudden fascination with men's arms. Tyson's arms, even with the dirty-looking tattoos, are really a force of nature. Sarah, because she's so subtle, goes for the banana. Tyson goes, "Mmmmm," when she says banana, because he has orifices too. The banana refreshes and fills you up. But that's not the real point of this segment. The point is that Sarah totally caught Tyson looking at her boobs! Ha! Tyson says that Sarah jumped out at her today because of...her presence. She does have kind of a spectacular rack. Heather fans herself like she's Della Reese.
The photo shoot was all about recycling, and even the girls' outfits were created out of recyclable materials. I mean, in some cases. Some of them are just dresses. And actually, I doubt the rest are actually recyclable materials, so there you go. Saleisha made some fierce car parts, while Jenah worked her cardboard couture. Ambreal, however, was as uninspiring as newspaper ink that rubs all over your hands, which was greatly upsetting to her. But Ebony's lackluster attitude was the real standout of the day. Jay confronts her about it, and she could give two shits. He says she's the most uninspiring person he's ever worked with. At elimination, the judges decide that Ebony has more potential than Ambreal, but Ebony has another plan. And that plan is to nicely shove it in Tyra's face and tell her she wants to go home. This, of course, leads to Tyra telling us that the most unattractive thing in the world to her is a quitter, and on this point I must quote my friend Rich, who summed up everything I think about Tyra in one perfect sentence: "I guess we can expect a follow-up to "Shake Ya Body" any day now."
Ebony tells us she did what she did because she knows she doesn't want this, and Ambreal wants it a million times more than she does. See, that's totally fair. Ebony says her family will be so disappointed when they find out that she quit, but she needs to stand up and do what's best for her. Who knew that Ebony would become the paragon of mental health by mid season?
And now, eight girls remain! Ambreal, the Howard student from Dallas, who's been given a second chance to make it to the top. Heather, the statuesque stunner from Valparaiso, Indiana. Saleisha, the spunky sweetie from Los Angeles. Sarah, the girl with the fascinating features, from Heath, Massachusetts. Chantal, the bubbly blonde from Austin. Bianca, the striking and straightforward competitor from Queens. Jenah, the ethereal, photogenic beauty from Farmington, Connecticut, and Lisa, the sexy standout from Jersey City. What do you think it means that only Ambreal and Jenah didn't have alliterative adjectives?
: More fake screaming for Tyra. BUSTED! And then a music video shoot takes a tragic turn. I think it might just be Heather fainting from her Adderall again, though.