So, this episode can be summed up in just one word: Wholahay. Let me explain. The girls meet up with Twiggy and special guest Melrose to talk about how shunning your normal, boring name can give you a leg up in the modeling industry. Thus, each girl has to make up a fierce, fabulous name. And Dionne? Picks "Wholahay." Her reign of awesomeness truly can never be challenged. Under their alter egos, the girls attend a party featuring such famous personages as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and 50 Cent. Also in attendance is supermodel supermanager Benny Medina, along with the rest of Tyra's representation and, quite mysteriously, Beverly Johnson. Each of the girls has to meet with Benny & Co and try to make a good impression. Wholahay starts crying when she mentions her child. Who knew she had a child? Wholahay, that's who. Lahay. While all this is going on, Jael seriously annoys 50 Cent and he totally pushes her into the pool. Inexplicably, Natasha jumps in after her. Maybe she was a lifeguard before she immigrated to the U.S.? In any case, Benny Medina is not impressed when they come in to meet him and are soaking wet. The girls have an audience with Paris and Nicole, and Nicole totally starts some shit between Renee and Jael. Granted, this isn't a hard task, given that Renee totally told her that Jael was a bitch and she hated her. Once they're back in the house, Jael gives Renee a much-deserved verbal beatdown. It's for all the sistahs, really. The photo shoot for the week entails the girls showing four different sides of their personalities. They get to do their own styling, too, with mixed results. Jaslene, who is totally growing on me and has been looking kind of pretty, chooses "drag queen" as one of her personalities, which I find wonderfully self-aware. Meanwhile, who do you think won the party challenge? Wholahay, that's who. Lahay. (I could really go on like this all night.) She, along with friends Whitney and Jaslene, gets to pose in a Keds ad. And then, the episode we are interrupted by a very special episode of the Typrah Winbanks Show. Typrah has the girls embark on some self-discovery, and everyone admits that they hate Renee. So Typrah totally has Renee sit by her, and then they go around and the girls all say what Renee has done that's evil/bitch/hurtful to them. I know! Awesome. Everyone agrees that Renee has some issues. The other big news is that they're finally going to do something with poor Brittany's weave, thank Who. At panel, Jael's escapades in the pool don't come back to haunt her, and she is actually called first. Sarah and Whitney end up in the bottom two, with pose-y Sarah finally being kicked to the curb. Who could have predicted it? I think you know the answer to that.
Previously: Renee continued to irritate people. Sarah's controversial challenge win gave her an edge in the testosterone-laden photo shoot, but Whitney and Diana struggled. In the end, Diana got her sent home, just 'cause. Eight girls remain! They all want to be on top, na na na na na na.
We enter with the girls in their huge-ass limo, reflecting upon the loss of Diana. Whitney interviews that Diana was her best friend in the house, and that she was hit hard by her demise. She says she knows that Diana wants her to beat the rest of the skinny bitches, and prove that she's a threat. Well, in that case, I really think Whitney might want to start being a better model.
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. "Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Love, Tyra." For some reason, this clue causes Jael to jokingly attack Sarah, and Jaslene kind of gets in on the action. The whole thing would be a lot more exciting if they were naked. Cut to Renee, who just shakes her head. She confessionalizes, while wearing a scarf around her head, that the other girls are driving her insane. Jael just talks and talks and talks, she says, and doesn't know when to shut up. Hm, that sounds familiar. On Sarah, Renee says, "That bitch does not deserve to be here." Well that's quite an ambiguous statement for someone who's usually so direct. We flash back to last week, when Sarah won the challenge somewhat under false pretenses, since she actually didn't do the work she was praised for. Sarah then tells us how helpful her prize was. Being able to look at her first set of photos with Jay Manuel and then doing the shoot all over again helped her to stay in the competition.
The day. the girls go to Tantra restaurant. They sit down in front of a big sign that reads "Lesley Hornby." Dionne says she doesn't know who that is. I don't either, though I would venture that at least someone in her seventh-grade class called her "Lesby Horny." And then, out walks Twiggy in a jacket and a big tie. If she had big shoes and a red nose, she'd look exactly like a sad clown. Sarah says that she's standing within ten feet of Twiggy, which is cool, because Twiggy is one of her idols. Twiggy tells the girls that when she was fifteen, one of her friends nicknamed her "Twiggy" because she had such skinny legs. She says that a wonderful photographer named Barry Lategan, whose legend we've heard extolled before, took some test shots of her, and during that session, the friend was there and happened to call her "Twiggy." Barry told Twiggy that if she ever became a model for real, that would be a great name. And the rest is fashion history.
Twiggy tells the girls that her unique name really gave her a quick start in the world of modeling. And then she introduces a "new, young model" who has also changed her name. Don't get excited, it's just Melrose from Cycle 7. She says that her real name is Melissa Rose, but no one remembers that because there are a million Melissas. She says that "Tyra," "Iman," and "Giselle" are all names people remember. Well, yeah, but they're not stupid-sounding, which I think gives them an edge. Twiggy tells the girls that they are going to have to rename themselves -- this will be the start of their "super selves." Soon, they will gain additional powers like setting other models' implants aflame with only their eyes, thus causing headlines of "Spontaneous Combustion On the Runway!" worldwide. Renee interviews that when she was younger, all of her nicknames were mean ones. That's a real surprise. She says that she's not going to go around introducing herself as "Canoe Feet." How about "Bitchface"?
The girls get, like, two minutes to make their new names, so most of them are pretty stupid. Whitney says that her middle name is Michelle, so she decided to go the Melrose route, and rename herself "Whitelle." That sounds like a fabric softener. ! Sarah says that her middle name is Moe. It is? For real? Sarah Moe? Seriously? Anyway, Sarah is going with "Moe." If Jael changes her name to "Curly," and Jaslene goes with her birth name of "Larry," things could get very interesting. ! Brittany says that she's always gone by "Brit," with one t, not two. Boring. ! Jaslene and Jael both like their names, so are going to keep them. Good decisions, ladies. ! Natasha is going with "Nata," which was her nickname when she was little. Eh, that one's okay. ! Okay, wait, I need to go to a new paragraph, because what happens is the greatest thing ever.
So, it's Dionne's turn. She says that her mom was watching the Discovery Channel one night, and there was a show about a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old girl named -- wait for it -- "Wholahay." Her family was marrying her off to a forty-year-old guy. Dionne says that she likes to date older men, so her mom nicknamed her "Wholahay." I'm sorry, but Dionne is a genius. I LOVE HER. I laughed so hard at "Wholahay" that I missed whatever happened between this point and the commercial break. I just kept saying "Wholahay." Say it with me now: "Wholahay." Wholahay Wholahay Wholahay. Knock knock. Who's there? Wholahay. Who? Wholahay. Wholahay Who? I mean, it could go on forever. A bunch of teenage girls should form a tribute band for The Who, and call it The Wholahay. Dionne = Love. Melrose, displaying a level of tact that might surprise even a casual viewer of Cycle 7, says that if you introduce yourself as "Wholahay," it's bound to be a conversation starter. As in, once you turn around, people will turn to each other and say, "What did that crazy bitch say her name was?"
So, back to the other girls, who are not as brilliant as Dionne. Renee is going with "Nayien." She says that it has a little bit of her current name in it, and is "spelled really cool, too." She once again has a scarf wrapped around her head. Is she Muslim or something? Did I just offend Muslims? Well, no matter. The girls are all going to be invited to a very smart and sexy party where they'll be meeting some very important and influential people who can help them with their careers. Twiggy and Melrose give the girls some key points to remember. 1) Be eloquent. Yeah, that one's going to turn out really well. 2) Don't monopolize the conversation. A little ironic coming from Melrose. 3) Show your sense of humor. Try to be witty, but not over-the-top. This is clearly not a challenge that is geared for a Renee win. The best part of the whole thing is that the girls have to use their new names at the party. Wholahay Meets World!
In the limo on the way home, Renee out of nowhere busts out with "I can't wait to have some stimulating conversation." Um, what you talkin' 'bout, Nayien? Jael asks if Renee is saying that she hasn't been having stimulating conversations, even though she's surrounded by the other seven girls. Renee says, "What does it sound like I'm saying? I cannot wait to have some stimulating conversations." Jael comes back with "Well that's because maybe nobody wanna talk to you." It's grammatically suspect, but awesome nonetheless. Renee looks a little hurt, which might garner some sympathy if she weren't so rancid all the time.
When the girls get home, there is Tyra Mail! "It's gonna be a hot night, time to try out your new name and shine real bright. But beware of the funky cold Medina. Love, Tyra." Renee says that she knows that song, and so thought that it was going to be a transvestite party. And really, I think we can thank Mr. Tone Loc for being the only human genius enough to rhyme "Oscar Mayer Wiener" with "Funky Cold Medina." However, I have to say that I knew instantly that Tyra's manager, Benny Medina, was going to be at the party. Didn't you?
The girls head off to the party, which is sponsored by SmartWater. Renee is still wearing the scarf on her head. The hell? They introduce themselves under their new names, and I almost die when Dionne goes up to the DJ and says, "I'm Wholahay." For some reason, Bill Maher is at the party, but not dressed as a dead Anna Nicole Smith. Sarah says that she's really excited about the party, because with her photography, one of the things that she's done a lot of is networking. I have to say that if there's one thing in the world I hate, it's networking. At parties, I like to sit in the corner nursing a drink and thinking about how much cooler I'd be if my name were Wholahay. Whitney and some of the other girls meet Tia and Tamera Mowry, the twins who had that show about being twins, but are not the Olsens. Whitney interviews that it was a big deal to be at such a "celebrity-clad" [sic] event. Other celebrity notables at the event include Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, and some guy named Jason from Laguna Beach. Jael goes up to Jason and says that she thinks he's real lame. They all laugh. Yeah, it's funny until you try to do it to Fitty. And speaking of...the girls meet 50 Cent! He says that Nayien (a.k.a. Renee) looks like a model for real. Mr. Cent must have a thing for head scarves.
At this point, Whitney said that she noticed an all-white room behind the pool, in which she saw Benny Medina. Renee tells us that he's a very influential person in the entertainment industry. And, I am quite certain, an evil genius. Doesn't everything about him -- from his white suit to his beady eyes to Mariah Carey association -- just scream evil genius? A guy comes over to Whitney and says that Benny would like to meet her, and escorts her inside. Whitney says that Benny Medina is the type of person who could make or break your career. Or, I'm assuming, just kill you off. I mean, right? There are a whole slew of other people in the room including Tyra's agent, a scary-looking "entrepreneur" named Nikki Haskell, and supermodel Beverly Johnson. Benny makes fun of Whitney's super-self name of "Whitelle," and says that she's in a world of Madonnas and Beyoncés. And I'm sorry, but what was your reaction the first time you heard the name "Beyoncé"? It sounds like a brand of paper towels. We've just become used to it, is all.
We cut from the Benny Medina room to the pool, where Jael is talking to 50. She jokingly thanks him for coming to their party, when in fact the whole thing is his party. She says, "You know how us from Detroit have a smart-ass mouth." The hell? Natasha interviews that 50 was getting sick of Jael. Jael interviews that she's not afraid to talk to anyone. I don't know; sometimes that can be a problem. Sarah leads Jael off, and interviews that as much as she loves Jael, they are there on a challenge, and are supposed to work. She says that if you make an ass out of yourself at one of those parties, you might lose a job because of it.
Sarah goes in to meet Benny, and he much prefers her photography name of Sarah Vaughn to "Moe." Does it matter that there was actually a famous person named Sarah Vaughn? Can I just rename myself "Ella Fitzgerald" or "Bob Ross" and no one will care? Brittany goes in, and Benny is less concerned with her name than he is with her jacked-up hair. She tells him that she's still getting adjusted to her weave, and interviews that she doubts she impressed him, because her hair looked a damn mess. The best part of the whole thing is how her hair looks in the interview. The only way I can describe it is to say that it's the hairdo equivalent of "Wholahay," and kind of looks like a spaceship.
Meanwhile, back at the pool, Dionne is talking to 50 when Jael butts in. Dionne interviews that Jael kept clowning when they were there to do business.
Benny Medina and Co. are all taken aback by Dionne's super-self name of Wholahay. She interviews that it may not sound great, but that it will catch your attention. True enough. Dionne looks gorgeous. Benny asks her what the most difficult thing is about working to become America's Top Model. Dionne says that the hardest thing is being away from her daughter, and starts crying. Man! Everyone has a kid this season! What's up with that? Dionne tells us that she trained herself not to think about being away from her baby, and so was caught by surprise when she got so emotional. Benny gives her a handkerchief and tells her not to mess it up, because it's Hermes. Everyone laughs, even though someone is standing over Dionne with a spiked club. ["That's how you can tell a classy person: he makes a point of telling you what brands he buys and then lords it over you." -- Wing Chun]
Meanwhile, Jael once again starts to annoy 50. He tells her that when he wants to see her, he'll put up a smoke signal. Poor Jael will probably come trotting over only to find out that the building is on fire. Jaslene interviews that you can't be all over a celebrity -- you have to have a line of respect. It is kind of true. Learn to read social cues and leave the man alone. Jael tells 50 that her mom's black and her dad's a Jew, which makes her Blewish, and he can't hang with that. Whitney interviews that Jael has a really in-your-face personality, which you can either hate or love. And, as it happens, 50 Cent hates it. He tells Jael that he asked her to leave. When she doesn't get the hint and coyly says, "He maaaad," he totally pushes her in the pool! I thought this kind of stuff only happened to Janice Dickinson. Commercials.
When we return, we get a brief recap of how great the party was, before once more seeing Jael getting pushed into the pool. Dionne says that she deserved it, because she didn't leave that man alone. The irrepressible Jael gets out of the pool and proceeds to attack 50 Cent with her wet body and bottles of SmartWater. 50 once again pushes her in the pool. And then, a strange thing happens. Natasha actually willingly JUMPS IN after Jael. Unless there is blood coming from Jael's head and Natasha is screaming, "Are you okay, are you okay? Call EMS! Call EMS!" as she's jumping in, I really don't get the logic of this move. And neither does Dionne. She interviews, "Natasha was right behind [Jael]. Why the hay-ell do you want to jump in a swimming pool?!? When we're there for business?!?! What...are you THINKin'?!?" Will someone please make me a CD of Dionne's greatest hits? But seriously, Jael and Natasha are idiots. Jael interviews that she didn't really mind getting thrown in the pool. She thinks 50's an okay kind of dude. He loves music, and that's all that matters to her in a human being. I hear Jeffrey Dahmer listened to a lot of Captain and Tennille. I guess he's an okay kind of dude, too. Oh, Jael.
Renee interviews that she thinks any client is going to look at Jael and Natasha and wonder if they can handle a job, since they can't even handle being normal at a party. And I have to say...point for Renee. As Natasha and Jael are dripping wet, Benny Medina's lackey comes to tell them that they are requested. Nicely timed! Benny raises his eyebrows when he sees them. Jael interviews that she's not afraid of talking to successful people, because she will be sitting in their chairs one day. Well, everyone donates their office furniture to the local free clinic eventually. Benny chastises the girls for being wet when they know they're at a party to impress people, and says that you do not get up in 50 Cent's face, and you do not get yourself thrown in a pool. Hey, three points for Benny. Everyone else in the room agrees. Benny dismisses Natasha and Jael with a scowl.
Outside, 50 Cent is flirting with Jaslene. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Don't say I didn't warn you, 50.
Jaslene goes in to see Benny Medina. I have to say, she looks really pretty. Benny thinks it's a good move for her to have kept her name.
Renee and her head scarf are . She introduces herself, and Benny asks what her name is. She says, "Nayien," and he says that she's supposed to have a super-self name. She again says, "Nayien," which of course sounds a lot like "name," and leads Benny to think she's retarded. The whole thing is very "Who's on First." Or, should I say, very, "Wholahay's on First." Renee acknowledges that her name is bad. I have to say, she does look really gorgeous. I think she's probably the most legitimately attractive of all the girls, even if she has the personality of a mutant toadstool.
Back at the pool, Renee and Sarah meet Paris and Nicole. Paris is out of there faster than you can say "Time for a dose of Valtrex," but Nicole stays to chat. I don't care what anybody says -- I love Nicole Richie. She asks how they like modeling. Renee says that she loves modeling, and then out of nowhere volunteers that she doesn't like the girls. Nicole asks Renee to tell her who the bitch is. Renee points out Jael, who, to her detriment, is dancing like a fool on the other side of the pool. She really is special, that one.
Cut to the bathroom, where Jael and Natasha are talking up Paris as Nicole fixes her hair. Nicole tells Jael that one of the other girls told her that she hated Jael. Jael asks Nicole if she told her that because she loves Jael and thinks the mystery other girl is a real bleep/rhymes with "punt." Nicole says that she doesn't know her, and then adds that she has blonde hair. Everyone knows that it's Renee. See, this is why I love Nicole. She stirs up shit and then just gets the hell out of the way. Jael interviews that Renee may be a little jealous of her. And...yeah, I don't actually think that's it. Nice try, though.
Back at home, Jael dramatically reads the Tyra Mail. "Finding your roommates to be two-faced? Well you're going to be four-faced. Love, Tyra." Ooh, I hope this means they're going to be those weird dolls with the rotating heads and multiple faces! That would be bad-ass. Jael interviews that she is, in fact, finding one of her roommates to be two-faced, and that she's not allowed to pull that.
The girls fix themselves a snackeroo in the kitchen, and Jael loudly says -- to someone else, though Renee is standing right there -- that Nicole Richie came up to her and said that another model said she hated Jael. Renee says that she did not say that. Jael ignores this and loudly notes that Nicole said that Jael was her favorite. Renee says that Nicole asked who the crazy one in the house is, and that she answered Jael. Um, no, Nicole asked who the bitch was. We saw it, fool. Jael says that Nicole said that Renee said she hated her. That sentence gave me such a flashback to sixth grade, I can't even tell you. Anyone up for a game of MASH? Renee tries to walk away, and Jael throws out, "So you can get out of my face, bitch." Oh, man. Renee says, "I'm not in your face, bitch," and Jael tells her not to be jealous. Again, I don't think that jealousy is the problem. Jael then busts out with "You're really beautiful, it's such a fucking waste of a brain." Oh, snap. This causes Whitney to jump up and down excitedly. She interviews that Jael always prevails in any situation, and that she can cuss you out up and down the street. It's true that Jael seems to have about 1/8 of ghetto in her, and is not afraid to use it. I'm afraid of her, I know that much.
As Jael eats, Renee walks back in the kitchen, and Jael yells at her to get the hell away from her. Renee says that she's not going to walk around on eggshells, and then tells Jael that she's not a mean person. Okay, given what we've seen so far, that's maybe not the argument that I would start out with. I mean, right? Start with the truth. Jael says that Renee has been disrespectful to every single girl in the house. Renee argues that people have been disrespectful to her, and Jael says, "With good reason," and adds that she understands and backs them all. Oh, snap AGAIN! I want Jael to participate in the Presidential debates, just to see what would happen. Jael versus Hillary is my dream scenario, man. It would be a deathmatch. Or, conversely, think of what a joy it would be to see Hillary Clinton in the Top Model house, smacking down Renee. Don't think she wouldn't do it. Renee asks if it's true that the rest of the girls don't like her, and there is stone-cold silence. Renee interviews, with a shrug of her shoulders, that she really doesn't care if the other girls don't like her and she's the outcast. Oh, lies. We've watched this show for eight seasons and your type is as transparent as Lindsay Lohan's underwear. Jael says that she puts others before herself, which is something Renee will never do. There is actually a finger in the face at this moment. Yes, you heard me right. A FINGER in the FACE! Jael interviews that she stood up for herself and the rest of the girls in the house, because they all really dislike Renee. Renee looks kind of troubled under her head scarf as we head to commercials.
When we return, Jael interviews that if Renee wants to be a bitch, that's fine with her, but she can't then expect everyone to be all friendly with her. That is really the first rule of responsible bitchery.
The girls meet up with Jay Manuel, who says that, for their shoot this week, they're taking a page out of Tyra's Beauty Book. There is a spread featuring a lot of small shots of Tyra, each showing a different aspect of her personality. Thus, each girl will have to show four different sides of her personality, and will also get to direct her own hair and makeup. Jael is excited about this, which makes me scared. The photographer for the day is Kareem [Abdul Ja] Black who, unlike his namesake, seems very tiny.
Jay then points to a television monitor, and says that there is a message from Benny Medina regarding the challenge. Benny says that, after today's shoot, the winner will go out on a real job -- a national campaign for Keds that will run in Seventeen. People besides my mom still wear Keds? Who knew? And the winner is...Wholahay! Yay! Dionne starts crying. She tells us how happy she is. I'm happy too! She gets to pick two friends, and chooses Whitney and Jaslene. They do seem like two of the more fun and reasonable girls remaining. Good choice, Wholahay. The girls get fifteen minutes to come up with the four sides of their personality. I wonder who will lay claim to "Dumm," "Stoopid," "Not That Smartt," and "Huh?'"
There is hair and makeup. Renee scarily interviews that she's not worried about the photo shoot one bit. Sometimes she's so intense that she really freaks me out, man. Sarah, however, is worried, and says that she wants this so bad that she's psyching herself out.
Dionne is up first, and her sides are sensitive, evil, friendly, and "hood." She looks great with her Josephine Baker hair, but Jay notes that Dionne is afraid to go to extremes, and modeling is all about extremes.
Jaslene is . Jay references The Jungle Book and says that, just as Mowgli was raised by a pack of wolves, Jaslene was raised by a pack of drag queens. Jaslene says that she was, literally. Ah, it's all falling into place. I have to say that Jaslene is growing on me. And it is true that her resemblance to post-surgery Janice Dickinson is uncanny. Jaslene's personalities are drag queen, "cha cha diva," "modelesque," and sentimental. Jay says that Jaslene made a mistake, because her four sides weren't diverse enough. And how do you look sentimental?
Natasha is . Her first personality is sexy, and Jay tells her it looks like she was smelling dog poo. Nice. Her "surprise" shot, though, is brilliant. We don't see the other two personalities. ["'Surprise' is a personality? Someone could have explained this one to the non-English speaker, maybe." -- Wing Chun]
Whitney is up , and says that there's extra pressure on her because Jay gave her such harsh criticism at the last shoot. Her personalities are seductress (really...!), thinker, peaceful, and comedian. Jay says that the first one looks like bad catalogue, and that Whitney has to be careful about using her arms and hands around her face in such a tight shot, because that has the effect of making a person of any size look round.
Meanwhile, Jael and Renee have been bitching about each other to the hair and makeup people. Jael says that the others know that she will protect them from the evil ducks of the universe. And I mean, I like Jael, but you have to admit that she's kind of off.
Speaking of which, Jael is , and has fashioned herself a rattail of hair. Jay tells her that she's very special. Her personalities are sexy beast, anarchist, dominator, and revolutionary peacemaker. On this last one, Jael says that she is a martyr of the universe, and that Jay may capture it. He gives an "Oh, Lord" that verbalizes the collective unconscious of the viewing audience. Jay says that he hated Jael's overly dragged-out makeup, but that her performance was genius and reminiscent of Grace Jones.
Sarah is , and talks about her problems being pose-y. She does "innocent," and Jay tells her that, surprise, she's too pose-y. is angry, then "regret." ["Not 'regretful'? I hate this challenge!" -- Wing Chun] She faces the same problems. Jay says that week after week he pushes Sarah beyond her comfort zone to try to make her poses look more genuine. She knows she sucked, and Jael comforts her, eventually telling her that someone always does worse than they do. Well, we'll see.
up is Brittany and her terrible weave. Her personalities are innocent, spacey, goofy, and devilish. Jay says that today they found her weak spot. She started off strong in the competition, but maybe was a little cocky. Some of her shots fell completely flat.
Renee is , and says as a precursor to her shoot that the girls should be careful about whom they make feel like an outcast, because they don't know whom they're messing with. I thought Renee didn't CARE about being an outcast? Instead of getting a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, if Renee wins, they should give her $100,000 worth of therapy. Renee's personalities are "dark side," sexual, "sorrow," and something else we don't see. And I mean, she looks great. She says that Jael was giving her the evil eye, so she was giving the evil eye right back. Jay says that Renee is a beautiful girl, but that she needs to take it to the level.
And then, Dionne, Whitney, and Jaslene go off to do their Keds photo shoot. It all goes well, and Dionne is very excited and grateful. I have to say, though, it does not look like Keds will be making a comeback. Those are some homely shoes, dog.
Then, the girls go back to the house. But instead of Tyra Mail, there is actual Tyra! And then it becomes clear. We're at the "Chit-Chatting With Tyra" portion of the season, also known as a Very Special Episode of The Typrah Winbanks Show. And today, Typrah is talking about "revelations and what this competition brings." O...kay. Brittany gets to start. Her revelation is that her fucking cheap-ass weave is making her head scabby. Tyra apologizes and says that they'll do something about it. THANK GOD. She says that the REAL revelation for Brittany might be that sometimes you have to speak up. And I mean, she kind of did, but we all just thought that she was a whiny-poo whinerator. Dionne talks about how hard it is to be away from her baby, but says that she knows she's doing this for both of them. Jael talks about her friend's death, and how that affected her. Tyra quite wisely says, "Death happens." Put that on a bumper sticker, why don't you. She says that people don't expect you to be stoic when someone dies and, in fact, if you are they'll wonder if you have a heart.
Then Typrah quite innocently asks, "Anyone else?" Renee volunteers. She says that she feels like she's misunderstood. Cut to an awesome reaction shot of Dionne laughing. Renee says that she's not saying that she's not mean, but then tells Tyra that she has to understand that Renee has a family to take care of. And I have to say that this whole line of reasoning has really lost some of its weight now that we know that everyone else has a baby, too. Renee says that her husband was living on the beach, and that her son was with his mom. And I think she means her mother-in-law here, though at first I was REALLY confused. But also, why is her husband living on the beach? This whole situation is much shadier than whatever Natasha's deal is. A teary Renee says that she has a lot on her shoulders, and that her main objective in being there is not to make friends. It's to win the competition and make something out of her life. And oh my God, go see a career counselor. Or go on The Bad Girls Club. It's a sad situation and all, but my sympathy is really strained at this point. The best part of the whole deal, though, is that Tyra totally doesn't take the "poor me and my hard life" bait. Instead, she makes a beeline back to the drama and asks, "Has she rubbed any of you guys the wrong way?" They answer, "All of us." Tyra is pretty impressed that all of them hate Renee. Renee says that they're all treating her like she's a bad person, but she's not. Eh, until we have empirical evidence, I wouldn't put that out as fact. Typrah then has Renee sit to her, and says that the best thing in this situation, when Renee is feeling attacked, is to go around and have the other girls say how she has hurt them. And...HA! Best for us, the viewing audience, maybe, but certainly not for Renee. Tyra got her Ph.D. in psychology from the School of Manufactured Drama.
is Renee. The judges aren't crazy about "Nayien," and note that there's already a Naima. Oh. And here I had convinced myself that that was all a bad dream. Renee says that she also liked "NeNe." The judges agree that it's better, despite the fact that it's like "Shanaynay" with out the "Sha." No you di'int! Nigel tells Renee that she has to push it. She's so pretty, he says, that she can afford to be a little ugly. As we all know at this point, Renee prefers to show her ugliness on the inside. Benny agrees that either Renee has amazing restraint or she isn't giving enough. In other words: step it up, bitch.
is Natasha/Nata, who gets no flak for her name. Her photos are really, really good. They get raves from all of the judges. Tyra says that the model has finally emerged.
Then there is Brit(tany) with her broke-ass weave. Twiggy says that her photos are very Parisian Elle. Brittany has a look like, "I'm great, aren't I?" Tyra thinks the "innocent" shot is very Lucille Ball. Good remarks all around.
is Whitney. Nigel thinks that "Whitelle" sounds like a department store. He also thinks that Whitney's photos look amateur. Tyra says something about her looking harsh in a lot of her photos.
Then there's Jaslene. She also gets kudos for keeping her name. Nigel says that her photos all look beautiful, but all look the same. Twiggy thinks that her sentimental shot is lovely, but doesn't look at all sentimental. Ms. J. says that the more he looks at Jaslene, the more she looks like Janice Dickinson. I tell you, it's the drag queen connection. Overall, Jaslene's performance is sub-par.
is Sarah/Moe. Benny points out that whenever Sarah says, "Moe," she does something really goofy. I guess he hasn't realized that that's just how she looks. Nigel says that all of her photos look posed rather than natural, and that Sarah's problem is that she doesn't let her guard down. Benny thinks that her "happy" photo is corny, and not exotic or interesting at all. Tyra says that it was technical good modeling, but that the hair and everything else just looked commercial. Sarah is in trouble.
And last is Dionne/Wholahay. Twiggy just deadpans, "It's not a great name." The British never understand true genius. Tyra says that Dionne's skin color is so gorgeous, so why not name herself "Brown." Yes, Brown. Twiggy thinks that Dionne's "hood" photo looks like a peeved housewife. Benny says that a girl from the hood and pissed-off housewife are essentially the same thing. Yeah, except the housewife will cut you. I love how Twiggy has the stones to make a comment about what's hood and what isn't. Tyra passes on Jay Manuel's comment that Dionne always does a good job, but needs to take it to the level.
The judges deliberate. Natasha was awesome, and Nigel gets to rework his favorite phrase by saying, "She's made wrong the new right." Tyra's glad they kept her around. Jael's photos are great, even though she's a little tough for Twiggy. Nigel thinks that Jael is getting better and better. Benny says he wasn't moved by Renee, and thought that she had a dirty sophistication. Man, did he hit the nail on the head with that one, evil, Tom Wolfe-looking genius that he is. Renee ain't got no class. Twiggy and Tyra both feel bad about Brittany's weave. Ms. J. makes a nonsensical comment, per usual. Twiggy doesn't get Whitney's photos. Tyra says that she thinks Whitney is the whole package, and that she speaks and expresses herself so well. Benny Medina, being once again right-on, yells, "That's not what the gig calls for. For the most part there are other standards that we look to for a model, and I don't think she has them." He should totally be on the panel all the time, man. I mean, someone has to be the voice of reason, right? Jaslene fell flat. Sarah was too posed, and Ms. Jay says that she hasn't taken the best photos throughout the competition. Tyra says that she thinks Sarah has taken the best pictures that she can take, which is not a compliment. Benny Medina loves Dionne. He thinks that she's eloquent and sexy and has a great spirit. He also thinks that she will have a great career. Woo! Ms. J. then says "Wholahay," and mocks an African accent. I dare him to do that in front of Yaya.
The girls return. Jael gets called first. I cannot BELIEVE that the whole pool incident didn't at least result in a sternly worded talking-to. Ditto with Natasha, who is called . Then we have Dionne, and Brittany. Tyra says that they're going to do something with the hamster that died on top of Brittany's head. Then there's Renee, and finally Jaslene. This leaves Whitney and Sarah. Oy vey. But the truth is, they're never getting rid of Whitney. Sarah is sent home. She cries mascara rivers, and some of the other girls look really upset, too. Sarah says that she's really disappointed, because she wanted this more than anything. She opened up more than she's ever opened up, and she had hoped that it would show the judges that she's trying. She says that at least she came out of the competition knowing that it's okay to be herself. And really, Sarah ended up being much less annoying than the premiere episode would have indicated. So kudos to her!
week: big surprises! Natasha apparently misses her baby. And there's some kind of a reunion. If it's anything like my family reunion, it will involve multiple crock pots full of stuffed cabbage.