The show that makes you feel like the President of MENSA is back, baby. It's audition time, and bitches abound. These include a mail-order bride, a human ink blotter, someone with a repossessed weave, two fatties, a dentist, and at least three of the original cast members of Paris Is Burning. There are a lot of girls at first, then fewer, then thirteen. The majority of them appear to be f'ing nuts. For their first photo shoot, the girls must pose in a politically-themed shoot, and non-controversial entity Nigel Barker does the photography honors. Punky whackjob Jael is sick, until she benefits from the healing power of a hula hoop. Kathleen is just...well, let's just say that the wattage from the light socket she stuck her finger in totally bypassed the brainial area. After the photo shoot, it's on to the Goodwill, where the girls perform in a charity runway show, with proceeds going to the "vocationally challenged." I guess this means Miss J. will get the whopping $286 they raised. Jael wins the challenge, predictably because the audience the production crew wrangled from the methadone clinic door can relate to her most. Meanwhile, Maui-based mom Renee shows her bitchy side, and braggy Sarah earns the ire of many. At judging, Jaslene (whom you may remember from being batshit crazy and relentlessly jowly from last season's auditions) does surprisingly well. Most of the other photos are so-so. In the end, we come down to the heretofore mentioned remarkably dumb Kathleen (who opines that it's okay to take the fur of animals for coats if they've died of natural causes in the jungle, because animals die of natural causes sometimes, don't they? Yeah, I'll take that chinchilla with the tire tracks on the back) and also relatively dumb Jael, who doesn't enjoy winning challenges because maybe people won't like her then. In the end, Tyra and Co. decide that a two-hour premiere episode will probably provide a sufficient campaign against fetal alcohol syndrome, and so they send Kathleen home. That banging sound you hear? Yeah, she's still trying to find her way out of the judging room.
First, I have to say that, in case you didn't know, you can now buy Top Model on iTunes. Thank you Tyra, thank you Top Model, and thank you iTunes! You have drastically improved the quality of my life! In any case...
She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And yes, by "she" I mean the woman whose fat ass we've all loved to kiss for eight cycles: the irrepressible Miss Tyra Banks. And, as usual, it's all about her. Our premiere starts off with Tyra talking about Tyra. You know, she's been a model forever, blah blah blah. And it's always been her dream to pass the torch of being a top model to girls all over America. Really? I thought her dream was to charm Oprah into her own demise by inviting her over for a night of ribs by the fire, choking her with her weave, and wrestling the top talk show host torch from her cold, dead, greasy, Stedman-loving hands. Now, she tells us, Top Model is seen in over 110 countries. Proof that as the world gets smaller, it gets dumber, too. And also that America will not rest until we have ruined the rest of the world. Tyra gives Heidi Klum props for hosting Germany's Top Model, presumably to indicate that she's not seething with jealousy about (a) Project Runway, (b) Seal and (c) the fact that Heidi's still got the hot. You know why Heidi Klum doesn't ask anyone to kiss her fat ass? Because three babies later, her ass isn't fat.
Tyra tells us that the competition is getting bigger and crazier, and to dramatize that, we see some crazy folks auditioning. One woman says that she's spending so much money going to casting that if she doesn't get on the show, she's going to have to start selling her body. "To start." Out of thousands of applicants, thirty-three girls have been selected to be finalists. And seriously...thirty-three? They couldn't pick a round number? We get the stock footage of LAX that has been a mainstay of the "Tyra's doing her talk show and this is really a fortune-making afterthought" years, and we see girls meeting each other for the first time in the airport. Melissa, twenty-one, from the Bronx, says that she's going to impress the judges, because they'll see her drive and her hunger. Well, just don't let them see you eating, sweetie. We then meet Natasha, twenty-one, who is from Dallas but was born in Russia. She looks like Mail-Order Bride Barbie. Oops, spoiler. We then are reintroduced to Jaslene, twenty-one, from Chicago, who tells us all about how she didn't make it last season but is excited to be back. In the time between last season's semi-finals and this year's, Jaslene still has not seen fit to acquire a second x chromosome. Seriously, you could digitally insert her into crowd scenes in Paris Is Burning and no one would blink an eye.
Tyra tells us that the girls think they know what they're in for, but that they have no idea. If they watched at least one other season, I'm sure they've figured out that some sort of mild or medium humiliation is in store. They drive off in a couple of giant vans and appear to be heading toward the beach. In fact, they are going to some sort of a military base. And then in drives a Jeep, Mr. and Ms. J. standing in the back like the queens they are. You know Donald Rumsfeld is wringing his hands at home and saying, "This would never have happened under my watch." And then, these words from Russian Natasha, who has received the torch from countryman Yakov Smirnoff: "All of sudden, oh my God! I see Jays coming! And I'm screaming! I can't believe I'm seeing them alive." Dude, me neither. You'd have thought that some disgruntled fan would have taken at least one of them out by now. Jessica, twenty, from Inglewood, tries to convince us that Ms. J. is looking good. Bitch, please.
Jay Manuel tells the girls that they're at boot camp. They have to get in shape before they can even think of meeting Tyra. Say it with me now: "HA." Ms. J. spews out some military-like verbiage that is completely unintelligible (per usual) save for the phrase "model maggots." Heather, eighteen, from Deer Park, Texas, says that her dad used to be a boot camp instructor; she predicts pushups and obstacle courses. Rather, Jay stands in front of her and asks if she knows who Carolina Herrera is. She doesn't. Jay says that if the girls can't name at least five American designers, they don't deserve to be in the competition. He tells the girls that they have two minutes to get into their uniforms. This is really just an excuse to see ladies in their underwear. Renee, twenty, from Maui, says that her first impression was that she had this in the bag. She doesn't feel like the other girls have the character and determination that she has. Oooh, we get a white bitch this season! How novel. She is pretty, though. That's pretty novel, too.
The girls emerge in wifebeaters and camo capris with black ankle boots. They must engage in a posing competition, and are first instructed to demonstrate "fashion mad." Jay walks down the line, and gives a hard time to a cracked-out looking lady named Jael, twenty-two, eventually making her do ten pushups. She tells us that she doesn't know anything, which is why she's there. She says that it's just modeling, and that they're not curing cancer. Jael's voice is like...I can't even describe. If you could morph the cracked-out way she looks into sound, I guess that would be it. Jay tells the girls to do a concaved-back Richard Avedon couture pose. Janice Dickinson would so ace this competition. Jay asks if anyone even knows who Richard Avedon is, and one girl named Sarah knows. She gets a little pin that I guess gets her out of boot camp. Bethany, twenty, from Alice, Texas, says that Sarah only knew who "the guy" was because she's a professional photographer, and that the whole thing was bull. Every minute that I watch this show, I feel a little older and a little smarter.
, the girls get their measurements taken, and have to pose for a photo. We meet Whitney, twenty-one, from West Palm Beach. She has a 40" bust, and tells us that in her mind, a plus-sized model can walk down the same runway as Naomi Campbell. That cell phone would just bounce right off. Diana, twenty-one, from Garfield, New Jersey, who is also a big girl, says that she doesn't feel at all threatened by the other plus-sized model. She thinks it's great. Well particularly, as has been noted, since Whitney is a dead ringer for Bobbi Kristina Brown. Diana is 39-31-45. And you know, hers are really the only measurements we get, which doesn't seem quite right. We see the boot camp photos, and Natasha tells us that she has potential because she has a different look -- she's pretty. Call her a bitch, but she kind of has a point.
There is more military tomfoolery, then in comes Tyra, followed by some guys. As Kathleen, twenty, from Brooklyn tells us, Tyra is stepping. I am too white to understand all of this. ["They're stomping the yard! Where are YOU from?" -- Wing Chun] Whitney mentions something about a fraternity to give us a little context. Tyra continues with the stupid military stuff, and tells the girls that some have potential, but that she sees some who might be going home. This is their week to prove to her that they can be America's Top Model. Tyra asks if they can handle the truth, à la Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, and then says that she loves the smell of hair and makeup in the morning. It smells like victory. What she likes even more in the morning is the smell of six pounds of bacon. That smells like breakfast. ["Such a missed opportunity for her to have said it smells like cupcakes." -- Wing Chun] Tyra tells them that she wants them to be all they can be, not bitch all they can bitch. That is a straight-up lie. She says that she wants them to be top guns, not top son of a guns, like Bad Bad Leroy Brown. Tyra talks some more, but I tune it out, and then she jiggles off and we quite blessedly head off to commercials. Trust me, my friends, it gets better.
When we return, we're at The Century Plaza, which is maybe where people on The Phil Donahue Show get to stay. Farrah, eighteen, says that she's so glad to be out of boot camp. You were only in boot camp for, like, an hour, and you didn't even have to do anything. God.
The auditions start with giant 'fro-headed Kathleen, who comes in and just starts screaming. Tyra asks why she's screaming, and Kathleen says, "'Cause you're so PRETTY!" I personally would have gone with "The photos didn't lie! Your arms ARE that big in person!" Tyra notes that Kathleen has a lot of hair, and asks if it's all hers. Kathleen says that no, it's a piece, and that she does hair. She then continues with the "You're so pretty." And seriously, it's like walking into a special ed classroom but without the "Aw, aren't they cute?" factor. Tyra and Jay try to ask Kathleen some questions. She starts to answer them, but then sees something shiny and gets distracted and tells Tyra once again that she's pretty. Kathleen tells us that her only modeling experience is strutting the streets of Brooklyn. I guess riding the bus with her sister doesn't count. She comes out in her bikini and is kind of thick. She says that modeling is what she really wants to do. I wonder if they have an organization like MENSA, but for the opposite end of the spectrum. Kathleen could at least be treasurer.
is Sarah, twenty, from Lake Zurich, Illinois. Jay tells Tyra that Sarah won the boot camp posing competition. Sarah tells us that she's twenty going on twenty-six. HA! How mature she is. I feel like that too, sometimes. Like an old soul. I'm thirty-one going on thirty-three, you know? Wise for my years. Sarah tells Tyra and the Jays that she loves the fashion industry and is, in fact, a fashion photographer. She says that she's fierce, and that when she wants something, she goes and gets it. Including a Whopper. Her size is perfectly fine, but I feel like I have to be the new Janice and call everyone too fat. Miss J. thinks she's extremely cute, and sees a model in her.
is a hooker. Seriously, this girl has on a yellow long-sleeved shirt with a shortie nightgown over it over bright blue leggings and with bright red ankle boots. Tyra and the Jays are all like, "WTF?" It's Cassandra, twenty-four, from Seattle. Her face is actually kind of pretty amidst all that craziness. The panel asks what's up with her hair, and Cassandra says that she had a wig sewn on her head. You can do that? Even Tyra, who I imagine knows all about wigs, is stunned. She asks why Cassandra would have a wig sewn on, which seems like a reasonable question, and Cassandra says that it's because she wants to flip her hair and be fierce. She tells us that she was made fun of all her life, and that people used to throw basketballs at her head. Ah, that explains it. She does have a good body.
is Heather, eighteen, from Deer Park, Texas, the boot camp instructor's daughter we've already met. She says that she can deal with someone being in her face and criticizing her, because that's what her dad did. That's totally healthy. Tyra has her give the Jays a little bit of real boot camp yelling. Jay Manuel gets down and does some pushups, but Miss J. refuses. His poor little arms would snap in twain, I bet. Heather is all about taking criticism and making it into something positive.
we have Brittany, twenty-one, from Savannah. Tyra asks what her biggest insecurity is, and Brittany says that she has an issue with volume control. She talks loud, all the time. She demonstrates, and Tyra asks if she's ever had her hearing checked out, because that might be part of it. Brittany unironically says, "Pardon?" The judges crack up. Brittany is a bartender, and says that her job is to be everyone's best friend. She knows how to turn it on. Tyra thinks that she has a foreign look, and that she expresses herself very well.
And speaking of foreign, we have Natasha. She says that she feels herself American, because we are all from different places, but all want to live in this country. Tyra asks Natasha when she got married. Natasha was eighteen. And her husband? Forty. Yeah. Miss J. straight-up asks Natasha if she is a mail-order bride. She says that this is the man who changed her life completely. She interviews that, in Russia, there are no opportunities -- unless you want to become a gymnast or ice skater or tennis player, I guess -- and that she really struggled until her husband brought her to America. Now she gets to give blowjobs all day! This is truly the land of opportunity. Natasha, like all who have fled from Soviet Russia, loves sparkly things and Levi's and America. And I know it's not Soviet Russia anymore, but that's how I like to imagine it all in my head. She walks out of the room to change into her swimsuit, and Miss J. says he wonders how many stamps it took to get her here. Jay Manuel thinks that she's gorgeous and looks a lot better in person than she does in her pictures. She struts into the room in her swimsuit. Natasha tells us that this is a model competition, and that she has a much better look than anyone there. And hey, did anyone else have someone pay $19.99 in shipping to get them home? I don't think so. Natasha is really pretty, but maybe short.
As the girls hang out informally, Kathleen traces the lineage of her subpar booty. She says that she has no butt, but has a great rack, and then unzips her hoodie and unwittingly flashes all the girls. Dude, even her boobs are too stupid to stay in her shirt. Sarah starts prattling on about how she once did a runway show and had to wear five and a half inch heels. She claims that it was Chanel, and Natasha takes some issue with this, saying that it can't be Chanel. Renee double-checks that Sarah did a Chanel fashion show, and Sarah confirms that she did. She also says it was in Cleveland, which does seem a little sketchy. Sarah interviews that Natasha was giving her the business, but that she knows what she wore. Apparently Natasha, like, watches a lot of fashion shows, and says that she doesn't remember the shoes. Maybe the five and a half inch heels didn't make it past the KGB censors? Natasha interviews, "There are girls really...masc-a-lin...and they just not supposed to be here. Why are they here?" I ask myself the same question sometimes. Natasha still thinks she's prettier than everyone as we head to commercials.
Hey! It's Caridee's life as a Cover Girl! She's doing nothing, just like the rest of them.
When we return, we're on the Avenue of the Stars! What this has to do with Top Model, I will never know. ["The Century Plaza is at the corner of Avenue of the Stars and...something. Glark and I stayed there the last time we were in Los Angeles. Props to the twenty-four-hour room service!" -- Wing Chun] The girls are walking in their hotel suite, and plus-sized Whitney gives a sexy strut. Natasha starts talking about her husband, which is dangerous territory. It comes out that he brought her to America, and that she was broke and he takes care of her, and that he's forty. Heather says that her dad is forty. And a boot camp instructor! The girls ask if Natasha knew English when she came here, and she says that she knew "I love you" and "My name is Natasha." What about "Wow! I've never seen one so big!" That's not in the Mail-Order Bride Phrase Book?
A Bettie Page type walks in front of the judging panel. She has two HUGE carnations in her hair. Like, seriously? Tyra makes her take them out. It is Micheline, 22, from Atlanta. She says that she has always had makeup as her side job. Jay smears off her makeup with a Kleenex, which leads us to believe that she wasn't very good at her side job. She tells us that she's also done animation and artwork. She's happy as long as she gets to express her creative self. I long for the day when Micheline has to temp. Jay -- who really has no cause to comment on anyone else's makeup given that he looks like he's been face-painted by someone with Parkinson's -- asks who Micheline's greatest influence is. She says that John Galliano of Christian Dior "hot couture" is her biggest inspiration. Tyra totally calls her on the pronunciation of "hot." Micheline changes into her swimsuit, and damn, that girl has a lot of ink on her body. She estimates that she has twenty tattoos. She is pretty, I have to say. But that does not negate the fact that she has a tattoo of Herman Munster.
is Samantha, nineteen, from Pinson, Alabama. Samantha tells us that she's a small-town girl, and that pretty much the biggest thing that happens in Pinson is the Butter Bean Festival. Man. Pinson can't even get the limas. Samantha's insecurity is that she's missing a tooth. Miss J. recommends that she fill in the gap with a butter bean.
, there is Melissa, twenty-one, from the Bronx. She's wearing pearls, which Jay makes her take off. Melissa says that, in the Bronx, they only recognize first place. Oh, Melissa from the block, prepare to continue to walk in obscurity. Melissa tells the judges that she had her weave, and then a friend borrowed it, and then when Top Model called, Melissa asked for it back. Melissa is a total Indian weave giver! She tells us that she has tracks falling out all over the place. I guess that's what happens when you take a weave out and sew it back in. Melissa wants to prove to the other girls that Bronx girls can make it too. Tyra thinks that Melissa has a great strong face, but Jay points out that she's 5'7", and looks 5'7".
is Dionne, twenty, from Montgomery, Alabama. Two Alabamans! Break out the Skynyrd. Dionne is a student at ASU, she's a mother, she has three sisters, she's a former pianist, she used to have a pet tarantula named Sassy but she died, her favorite food is spaghetti, she love love loves spaghetti, and after that comes t-bone steaks and salad, her favorite color is blue. Dionne quite predictably leads us into the "crazy round of losers" montage. We see brief clips of a couple of girls, and then there is Natalie, twenty-two, from Atlanta, who really loves Audrey Hepburn. Her favorite movie? Dinner At Tiffany's. Make that Lunch or Brunch at Tiffany's. There are more crazy losers, then crazy losers in swimsuits. Meanwhile, Dionne is still talking. She loves to swim, but not in a big pool of water. She likes to wear her hair long, and likes something called 1B 30. This is some technical weave term. You know, were it not for Top Model and Tyra Banks, I would know to nothing about weaves. They are performing an important service to the community, in that respect. The National Weaveducation Foundation should really recognize them for their efforts. Dionne tells us that she's not only a model, but a dentist. She then says with all seriousness that modeling and dentistry are her passions. Sometimes, she daydreams about being a sexy model, practicing on somebody's teeth. I would hate to be her boyfriend. The words "open up and say ahhhh" probably make that poor man shudder, not to mention the sight of the spit rinser.
And then, Jaslene. Tyra notes that Jaslene is calm, and Jaslene says that she's very confident this season. Maybe that's because she can't see anyone else. God, do I want to brush her bangs out of her eyes. We see footage of Jaslene being a freak in last season's auditions, and then Tyra tells her that she seems almost TOO calm. There was a fire about her that Tyra liked before (e.g. Tyra digs the batshit crazy), and now Jaslene is almost a little boring. You know, these people are never happy. Jaslene says that she still has the Latina in her, and that she'll turn it up. When she walks out, she tells the panel that she still walks like this all day, every day. She must have some mad corns.
is Jessica, twenty, from Inglewood. On this show, coming from Inglewood is like coming from Jerusalem. Tyra says, "Inglewood, up to no good, holla!" I won't holla. Jessica...is not pretty. She looks like a skanky girl that you went to high school with. Jessica apparently has a temper, which Tyra goads her into demonstrating through some sort of faux-Inglewood turf battle. It would be more charming if Jessica looked like Season 5 winner Nicole. Alas, she does not.
Renee, twenty, from Maui comes . She gives a big "Oh my God, Tyra's here!" when she comes in the room. Like, duh. Where did you think she'd be, dumb-ass? Renee is currently staying with her mom in California, and her husband is in Maui trying to make some money. As it happens, Renee is not only married but has a seven-month-old son. I'm sure this is the last we'll hear of that. Tyra marvels at Renee's post-baby flat stomach. Renee tells us that her son has given her more determination, because she wants to make life for him ten times better than it was for her. See, I told you that wasn't the last we'd hear about her son. I hope he isn't named Willow or something. Renee is pretty, but seems kinda rough around the edges. Renee notes that she's not a complete bitch, but that she wants the other girls to know that, if they get in her way, she'll plow them over. The distinction between complete bitch and that seems sketchy at best.
Back at the girls' lounge, it's time for burpgate! It all starts off when Kathleen says that she burps and farts. And I mean, of course she does; look at that hair. Renee says that she likes to burp the ABCs. Someone suggests having a burping contest, and Natasha is all, "Girls, don't do that." The others try to gauge what her problem is, and Natasha goes on about being in a different culture. In Soviet Russia, burps burp you! Cassandra narrates the whole thing, first doing an awesome Kathleen impression and then an awesome Natasha impression that I hope we see a lot of throughout the season. Natasha tells Renee that she's normal, and that maybe it's Renee who's not normal, adding, "I'm tired of you telling me bad stuff about me." Awesome. Renee says that she's tired of Natasha being a know-it-all, and interviews that Natasha tried to make her look stupid, and that she's not about to let someone do that to her. She will do it all on her own, and quite well, thank you. Natasha tells Renee that she's not going to apologize, because Renee was "calling her bitch" right there in front of everybody. I think "Are you calling me bitch?" is going to be my new catchphrase. The two give each other the verbal hand for a little while. Renee says that she wants Natasha to know that she's not going to take any crap from anybody. She's there for a reason and a purpose -- to be America's Top Model, not to have Natasha tell her how to live her life. Now I understand why it took over forty years to end the Cold War. Commercials.
When we return, Whitney, twenty-one, from Palm Beach, Florida, enters the room squealing, with her tube top sliding down like that infamous woman on The Price Is Right. Tyra has to tell her to pull it up the whole time she's in there. Whitney goes to Dartmouth, and talks about being a black freshman in the predominantly white school. Tyra says that sounds like the fashion industry. Yeah, going to Dartmouth is just like being in the fashion industry, except with inverse IQs. Whitney says that she knows she's going to hear that she's a plus-sized model, and that plus-sized models can't handle high fashion, but that needs to be revamped, and she's going to revamp it. Oh, isn't everyone over 115 pounds. Whitney doesn't think she's fat. She thinks she's curvaceous and gorgeous just the way she is. She really seems to mean that, too. Go, Whitney! No, I mean it. Go. You're too smart to be on this show.
Not at all too smart to be on this show is Jael, who is bawling because it's so amazing to see Tyra's face. Jael looks like a fifty-year-old hooker who just crawled out of the methadone clinic. That sounds totally mean, but I don't know how to put it more succinctly. Jael continues to cry, and says that she doesn't really know why she was chosen. Let me clarify. It's because you're CRAZY. Jael tells the panel that her mother is African-American and her father is German and Jewish. Tyra is stunned that Jael is half-black, as am I. She's a pasty-looking lady. Jael interviews that people are so focused on differences that we don't see the commonalities in each other. She considers herself American.
we have Diana, twenty-one, from Garfield, New Jersey; she's the other plus-sized girl. As she walks in, Tyra says that her proportions are nice. It's Diana's goal to be the first plus-sized girl to win America's Top Model. And given that the Chinese calendar has denoted this the Year of Kissing Tyra's Fat Ass, I think she might do it. Diana used to be skinny, and when she started putting on weight, her dad would say really mean things to her, like if she kept eating she wouldn't fit through the door. And for all you parents out there...don't do that. Seriously. But Diana finally told him that he can't do that to her, and that she's beautiful, no matter what they say. Words won't bring her down. Diana tells Tyra that she doesn't want to be stick skinny, and that she loves her body. Diana predicts that because she's plus-sized, the other girls won't see her as competition. This is fine with her, because she'd like to sneak under the radar. Diana is pretty, but her hair is distractingly greasy.
Felicia, nineteen, from Houston is , and she tells the panel that everyone's been calling her "baby Tyra." It's the baby fivehead that does it. Felicia sees Jaslene and Melissa as ones to watch to pick up tips and tricks, but doesn't give much credence to the rest of the bunch. And I just have to say...what is up with this girl's eyebrows? They're glowing. It's really weird. As she stomps out, she says something about her skirt being short and her booty being tight. Well, good for you, then.
Back in the girls' hangout lounge, someone asks which girls are plus-sized models, because some appear to be on the line. Sarah authoritatively says that you have to be a size 12 to 14 to be a plus-sized model, and that Whitney's perfect. Kathleen interviews that the other girls don't seem to realize that Whitney and Diana are, in fact, their competition. Isn't it a common Shakespearean convention to have, like, the raving fool make some kind of eerily omniscient prediction for the future? I'm just saying. Kathleen notes that there is a cut tonight. Oh, thank God.
The Jays meet with the girls and tell them it's cut time. Micheline interviews that she quit her job to come there, so she hopes she's getting in the house and can prove what she's got. Per usual, the girls have to run around like chickens, each trying to find her photo in a gift bag that also includes an invitation to the Mark Ecko fashion party. Kathleen interviews that butterflies are destroying her stomach right now. I wonder how modern medicine treats that condition. The twenty lucky girls who find their photos have to get dressed on the spot and go to the party. This brings about a round of screaming. There will be photographers at the party snapping shots of the girls, presumably for Tyra and the Jays to review when they make the final cut. The girls get let loose and start rummaging through the gift bags. And the winners are: Bethany, Lauren, Kathleen, Gelecia (who?), Sarah, Dionne, Heather, Chelsea (who?), Samantha, Felecia, Brittany, Natasha, Cassandra, Hannah (who?), Melissa, Jaslene, Renee, Diana, Whitney, and Jael. Sore loser Micheline says that this competition must be more about personality than looks. No duh. She says that Jael doesn't even want to be there, and that all she does is act like an idiot. Yet, Jael beat her out. It makes Micheline want to punch her. I wish she would. It's true that Micheline is a lot prettier than a good number of the girls there. I think the tattoos did her in. Jessica from Inglewood stomps out of the hotel like one of the losers on American Idol. Bethany says good riddance.
The twenty finalists head to the Mark Ecko party, and Kathleen says that oh my God, she's in the hottest party in L.A. right now. I don't know if I'd go that far, but at the very least, Jermaine Dupri is there. He looks like a munchkin. He asks Diana how tall she is, and she says 6'1". Wow, that's tall. Jermaine says, "A bunch of tall girls in a house..." like it's a bunch of strippers in a house, or a bunch of lesbians in a house, or something exciting. The girls get their photos snapped, and Whitney notes how important they are. Natasha narrates her own time at the party, saying that she's pumped up and happy and dancing. We see this, and it's not pretty. Kathleen interviews that Natasha should turn it down a notch, because she was dancing so out there. When Kathleen is calling you "out there" and telling you to turn it down a notch, you have problems, man. You might even consider hospitalization. Diana says that she doesn't know if they will pick two plus-sized models to be in the house. But if they don't, she prays she's the one to make it. Kathleen is last to pose and says, "I think Tyra's going to use these pictures," like she has just cracked The DaVinci Code or something. Gee, Kathleen, do you think? Whitney says that she has no idea who is going to move on, which puts her nerves even more on edge, because it's all up in the air. With that, we have commercials.
When we return, Tyra and the Jays prepare to whittle down the twenty finalists to the thirteen girls who are "still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model." The Jays have favorites but don't want to mention them, since any time they do, those girls disappear. Awww, I bet Tyra gets jealous, especially if the girls are similarly dragulicious. Jay thinks that Brittany has potential. She looks like Howard the Duck! Both of the Jays think that Cassandra looks like a model, even though she has to have a weave sewn into her head. Yay! I hope this means she makes it and we get more impressions. Ms. J. loves Natasha's look but wishes she were a bit taller. Tyra thinks that Diana is a perfect example of a plus-sized model, but Jay wonders if she has what it takes to make it through the competition. Everyone loves how much Whitney loves herself. Tyra says that if Whitney loves herself, that means Tyra can love herself too. Because what Tyra totally lacks is love for herself. (And actually I think she's speaking from the point of view of a viewer, but still.) Jay thinks that Whitney will serve it up over Diana. Jay loves that Dionne has diarrhea of the mouth, because you don't have to hear a photograph. Think about us at home for once, you asshole! Ms. J. likes Bethany's face, but Jay thinks that she has no idea how to pose for a photographer. Jay likes Felicia and sees a slight resemblance to Tyra. Ms. J. thinks she looks like she's got something up her sleeve. Heather would make a good commercial model. Jay thinks that Jael has the potential to walk into a room and command it. Ms. J. thinks she looks like she just got out of "ja-il." Kathleen's pose gets raves. Melissa of the repossessed weave has a tough exterior, according to Tyra, which she thinks is for protection. I'm sure they'll pick her so that Tyra can psychoanalyze her. Tyra likes how Renee has awareness of her body in her pose, but Jay thinks it's a little much and asks Tyra how often she poses like that at a party. This of course leads to some candids of Tyra and Jay, supposedly at a party, posing behind a plant. Ms. J. likes how Samantha is a little devilish, and Tyra thinks her photo is a bit reminiscent of early Janice Dickinson. They then make fun of Janice for her ever-escalating self-proclaimed number of covers. The Jays LOVE Sarah. Jay thinks that she's the only girl who looked like a model at a party getting a snapshot taken. Ms. J. and Tyra think that Jaslene was holding back in her interview, perhaps too much. Well, throw her in the "to be psychoanalyzed" pile along with Melissa.
Jay says that they have the perfect photographer for this shoot -- someone who knows not only how to make a statement, but also an entrance. I thought for sure that it was going to be Janice, but it's just Nigel. Boo. Kathleen interviews that she thinks every model wants to date Nigel Barker, "because he's so tall." Oh, man.
The girls get their hair and makeup done, and Kathleen asks her hair person how you would do anti-fur. Do you, she asks, just look at the fur like it's stank and you hate fur? I mean, I guess that's one approach. Renee whips out a photo of her son, who looks pretty cute. She tearfully interviews that she has a lot more at stake than the other girls do. Renee is excited to do this for her family, and says that she has to win this. And I'm sorry, but if your plan to support your family is to win a reality show, then you have problems. For the love of God, go to college! Get a job! "Becoming America's Top Model" is not appropriate goal setting. Meanwhile, Jael is sick with a cold. She mentions something about a fever. She says that she hopes it doesn't affect the shoot. And seriously, I'd imagine that she has enough dried boogers on her face at any given time that you wouldn't even really notice that she's sick.
Pro-fur Brittany is up first, and has to pose like she's in the front row of a fashion show. She says that she doesn't really have a problem with fur, but is a little freaked out by the fox head on her shoulder. Eeesh. Nigel says that Brittany managed to have an air of slight arrogance, which is exactly what he wanted.
Kathleen is , with the anti-fur shoot. She says that she actually likes fur, because it makes you look hot. Ah, maybe this explains the strong attraction I feel towards Pekingese dogs. Kathleen has some trouble understanding what she should be doing. Nigel tries to give her some tips, and then calls Jay over for help. Kathleen is still not getting it. Nigel tells her that he wants her to be proactive in the shot, and she asks what that means. At least she wasn't like, "You want me to look like I'm treating pimples via a convenient three-step process? For only $39.95? Like Jessica Simpson did?" Nigel notes that Kathleen has some comprehension issues, and didn't seem to understand that "anti-fur" is a political viewpoint. Kathleen says that she had some trouble finding the emotion, but that she thinks she got it at the end.
up is Jaslene, who is all about the death penalty. She has a club with a spiked medicine ball on it. That's how I think it should end for felons. Jaslene is doing it on behalf of all the Latinas out there. J. Lo will be pleased. She looks pretty great with the hair and makeup, I have to say. About 600 times better than she looks normally.
Then there's Sarah, who "believes in life in prison." Sarah says that she's worked with a lot of amazing photographers in the past, and because Jay knows that he's expecting a little more out of her. After the shoot, Nigel says that he was surprised at how little he got out of Sarah. Additionally, her face did nothing for him, and she only has one look. Yikes! Sarah is pretty annoying, I have to say.
up is pro-gun Diana. She tells us that guns are bad, but that sometimes people need them for protection. Or to bring about justice, like in Avenging Angel! So she's all for that. Diana has to do some running and jumping for her photo. Jay says that she didn't commit 100%, and that when you don't commit, the photo falls flat.
We have a brief interlude focused on Jael complaining about how bad she feels...
...before we see Renee. She is decked out in hippie dippie wear to signify that she is anti-gun. Renee says that it's hard for her to convey peacefulness. Not because she's a bitch, but just because it's hard to portray. Uh-huh.
Jael is , as a pro-lifer. She is very much pro-choice, so Jay tells her to think of something about which she's passionate enough to be chained to a clinic door. She has kind of a hilarious, old-fashioned '80s Midwestern housewife dress on. And that's how they look, you know. That's why celebrities never come out as being pro-life -- because they know that they'll have to really frump it up to make it believable. Jael tells us that her excitement is going to outweigh her illness, so her photo shoot will be stellar regardless. Jay and Nigel try to get her to step it up a little and put forth some energy, but her performance seems to be lackluster. Jay says that all he sees is nerves. Jael interviews that she knows she could have done so much better if she hadn't been sick, right before telling us that she's a no-excuses kind of girl. Well, clearly. In the room where all the girls are waiting, Jael wonders if hula-hooping will make her feel better. Didn't Dr. Weil write a book about that? The 60-Day Hula-Hoop Cure, maybe? Renee says that she knows Jael is all about being friends with everyone, and to each her own. Renee then says, "I know she's not going to win this competition." Bitchy, but probably factual. Sarah notes that, one minute, Jael was sick, and the she was hula-hooping. She doesn't know if she was just making excuses in case she didn't do well or if she was psyching herself out. God, the girl's trying to cure herself through alternative healing. Leave her alone. Commercials.
When we return, it's Natasha's turn to be pro-choice. Nigel asks if she understands the concept and she says yes, she's getting rid of the baby. Nigel says, no, it means that it's her choice whether to get rid of the baby or not. At least she can blame it on the language issue. Kathleen may sound like a foreigner, but really has no such excuse. Natasha interviews that she prefers not to be involved in the pol-IT-ics, she just wants to be a model. Nigel says that Natasha didn't seem to have any idea where he was or where the lights were, and just kept facing in all kinds of strange directions. True. The girl looks good, though.
is the gay marriage shoot. Whitney says that she thought it was interesting, because Samantha is the little southern belle from Alabama. And thus, most likely, hates the gays. Indeed, Samantha says that it was tough, because she has a boyfriend, and that it was hard to act like she was in love with another girl. Oh, get over it. Nigel tells both of them to turn their bodies more toward the camera. Jay tells the girls that they can be happy, because lesbians aren't serious ALL the time. Wait, you mean some lesbians might even have a sense of humor? I'll believe that when I see it! Whitney says that she goes to Dartmouth, and that playing college basketball definitely helped her with the lesbian scene. I'm surprised that they're not wearing flannel wedding gowns with cat ring bearers, to be honest with you.
Felicia is as a straight bride, and tries out her British accent on Nigel. After finding out that she's actually from Houston, he says that it wasn't bad. Felicia has to pose to a mannequin in a groom's tux. Nigel says that she needs to step it up, and that she could have played off of the mannequin more.
Vegan Dionne is . She says that being a vegan means that you can only eat tomatoes, lettuce, carrots -- basically anything that grows out of the ground, like jalapeño peppers. You know, sometimes I get so down about the state of our political leaders these days. And then I watch this show and realize that it could all be so much worse. A vegetable-clad Dionne sits amidst ever more vegetables. Nigel thinks that she could have taken it up a notch.
Cassandra is , on a table full of meat. Hams, sausages, Big Macs, you name it. She grabs a burger, and Jay tells her that tearing apart a chicken would be more editorial. Keep this in mind, you aspiring models out there! Jay says that all of the girls fell flat today, but that he knows that this is their first shoot, and that they put forth their best effort and tried hard.
Jay meets with the girls and tells them all gently that they need to step it up. He sends them downstairs, where there's a surprise waiting for them: their giant, pimped out, gas-guzzling Hummer limo. There is Tyra Mail inside, and I must note that Tyra Mail has a new look this year! Rather than being typed out on a plain index card, we have handwriting on...an 8x10 photo of Tyra. She gets more humble by the minute, you know? The Tyra Mail reads: "The past is NEW AGAIN. Welcome to the fashion house of history!" I wish it were the fashion house of wax. That would be creepy and cool, and it would smell good if the house caught on fire. Not that I know where it is or plan on being in the Los Angeles area or even have access to gasoline and matches. There's a key with the Tyra Mail, and the girls are all excited about going to the house. Not just the house, but the Fashion House of History!!!!!!!!!!
The house, as usual, is amazing. Kathleen says that it's like "freakin' heaven." The theme of the house is past winners of America's Top Model. Isn't the theme always that, or something like it? I mean, when the theme's not "Tyra Banks ROX!!!!!" The girls claim rooms and beds, someone jumps in the pool fully clothed, and then they start to prance on the in-house runway. Jaslene loves it because she's a runway fiend. The whole thing is like the RuPaul "You Better Work" video. But with less competent sashaying and chante-ing. Meanwhile, Jael puts on a blue wig and some boxing gloves. Renee says that Jael keeps things fun, which is good, because Renee might take things too seriously sometimes. Oh, you know, maybe once in a while. Jael interviews that she thinks Renee is a great girl, and loves how opposite they are. Jael might sound a little like either Beavis or Butthead, or some combination thereof. Out on the balcony, Whitney is overcome with emotion. She's glad to be there, and this is where she's going to stay. I hope not literally on the balcony -- she'll miss all the photo shoots and challenges!
The day, the girls hang out by the pool and take photos of each other in bikinis. Kathleen says that all the girls are the bomb, but that she feels like they're all her competition, because each has her own unique "beautifulness [sic]." Jaslene says that she thinks Kathleen is the most outspoken girl in the house. She's from New York, and knows what to say and when to say it. But how to say it in a way that displays basic command of the English language -- there's the rub.
Sarah, Renee, and Felicia sit outside. Sarah says that it's her goal to shoot Vogue by the time she's twenty-five. She also wants to go into acting. With that Midwestern twang, good luck. Renee asks if she's been in movies, and Sarah says that she's done everything. Of course. Renee says that Sarah might be insecure. She's full of herself and brags a lot. Renee gives Sarah some grief for being multi-disciplinary, saying that there are tons of other girls who would die to be there FOR MODELING. ONLY. Renee is the kind of bitch I like -- the one who's really, really not afraid to be a bitch. Sarah confessionalizes something to the effect of how dare Renee try to tell her why she's there. Out on the patio, Renee tells Sarah not to get defensive as we head to commercials.
When we return, there is more Tyra Mail: "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure." This must explain Kevin Federline. (Though, now that the subject has been brought up, can I just say -- who would have thought that he would ever come off looking like the responsible parent?) Kathleen wonders what women might throw away, and then stumbles upon "lipstick" as the obvious answer. She interviews that she knows she's going to be dealing with crap. She helpfully clarifies, "Not 'crap,' literally, but, like, something that someone threw away." Suddenly it is my greatest dream to see these girls rooting around in feces.
Instead, they're going to have to root around at the Goodwill. They go there and meet Ms. J. and stylist Phillip Bloch, who is rocking the porn-star moustache. Phillip tells the girls that the Goodwill is not only a great place to shop, but does wonderful work for the community. He continues: every fifty-seven seconds of every day, the Goodwill places someone who is vocationally challenged into a new job. And as my friend Jessy said, "'Vocationally challenged'? In what vocation? I would be vocationally challenged if I tried to be an electrician." In any case, it has finally become clear how the Jays ended up on this show.
The challenge for the girls is to rummage through the Goodwill racks and put together a stunning look in three minutes. Nice. Jael interviews that she loves thrift-store shopping, and having clothes that tell a story. Like when the yellow pit stains say, "Some big slob sweated all over me while we were watching Rhoda." Renee says that she doesn't go thrift-store shopping a lot, because there aren't too many good thrift shops on Maui. ["The one I visited on the Big Island sucked too." -- Wing Chun] Kathleen, however, says that it was no problem, because she rocks the thrift shop. In any case...time's up!
Ms. J. tells the girls that this is not merely a challenge. In fact, they'll be heading right outside the Goodwill doors for a runway fashion show! Yes, that's right! IN THE GOODWILL PARKING LOT! With an audience! Probably of Goodwill employees! And their not-yet-placed vocationally-challenged compatriots! I don't think you can get too much more high-fashion than that. They should just set up a runway alongside the unemployment line. There will be an auction after the fashion show, and the girl whose outfit receives the highest bid will win the challenge. And the proceeds from the auction will go directly to Goodwill. Don't you ever say that Top Model does nothing for the community.
The fashion show commences! Natasha is first, and is generally unremarkable. Phillip Bloch narrates. Ms. J. says that Kathleen is a straight-up Brooklyn hoochie with a twist, and that the twist is that she has a great personality. Renee has a boho chic look that is actually kind of cute. Brittany's outfit gets panned by Ms. J. Jaslene looks like she emerged straight out of the '80s, while Diana wears a really cute black cardigan. Sarah totally gets my vote with a pink trench coat and gold belt. It's great. Sarah ruins the moment by telling us that she's done fashion shows before and wasn't scared, and that she thinks she had a good walk. I think Jael looks like a total hooker, even though Ms. J. says that she made thrift-store shopping work. I guess ho style is in these days. Jael says that walking out in front of a bunch of people that she doesn't know made her feel empowered and beautiful. Well, good for her.
Jay, Phillip, and the girls reconvene after the show. Jay proudly says that they've raised $286.50. And you know that the producers were like, "Fine, we'll kick in $300," and actually had to pay someone $13.50 to wear one of these outfits. The unemployed vocationally challenged will do just about anything for $13.50. They also don't know that a bank won't really cash that giant cardboard check. Suckers! In any case, Jael wins. She feels that she did her best and deserved to be recognized. She signs the giant check. Renee brats that Jael only won because she's a thrift-store shopper, and that the challenge wasn't even about modeling. Renee, honey, look around. Renee says that the whole thing is not fair. Jael says that she is so excited that she won, but doesn't know how to portray that to the other girls. This is a competition, she says, but she doesn't know how to be competitive. You club someone's knee, is how you do it. Jael asks the other girls if they still love her, and they say of course they do. She says that she hoped so, but that she's "seen things on television." Ha! That was pretty awesome. And in fact, she'll be seeing something on television as she watches this, because Renee says that Jael tries to be everybody's best friend all the time, but that she shouldn't bother to play the nice person all the time because that's not real.
Back at the house, Renee and Jael talk. Renee says that she's upset with Jael, because she acts like everything's okay all the time. Renee is a serious buzzkill. She hates happiness and wants to eradicate it from her environment. She says that she knows Jael gets annoyed with the other girls, because she's seen it. Jael says that she doesn't understand why Renee can't accept that Jael's just expressing her feelings. She says that she's not trying to force happiness on everyone, and that Renee shouldn't try to impress her personal feelings on her. Well done, Jael! Maybe she's not such a dumb-ass after all. Renee asks if Jael doesn't want her to state her opinions. No, I think what she's saying is that you don't have to be such a needless bitch all the time, Mrs. Furious. Jael interviews that her relationship with Renee wears her out. And I thought these two were supposed to be friends! Jael tells Renee that right now she's away from her child and husband, whereas Jael has nothing to lose by being there. Their situations are totally different, and Jael's not going through anything like Renee is. To which I say...touché, Jael! I have to say, I'm kind of starting to dig her.
Tyra Mail! Someone is going home tomorrow. Jaslene says that she's excited. Kathleen is nervous. She says that she thinks she did well at the Goodwill. She adds that the first person to go home really didn't even get a chance to prove herself. She constructs a sentence that has about 16 uses of the words "like" and "good," the upshot of which is that she really wants this. Jaslene tells her to keep the drive. Kathleen interviews that"you" (meaning the girls) have to realize that you're not the judge of you anymore. You literally, actually have other people judging you. You may think you're hot, she says, but does Panel think you're hot? Only if you're a buffalo wing. Kathleen gets teary, and Jaslene gives her a big hug and tells her to cry all she wants to. Sarah is typically cocky, and says that she knows she's not going home. I thought for sure this was the kiss of death. Meanwhile, since Jael has fallen short in the area of bitchery, Renee has turned to Diane. They discuss how the other girls get under their skin. Or, rather, Renee discusses and Diane nods. Renee also adds that some girls there are more serious about the competition than others. She interviews that she doesn't care if other girls win all the little battles along the way; she's going to win the war. Man. The CW needs to take the money they didn't put toward writer benefits and buy this girl some chill pills. Commercials.
When we return, it is time for Panel. Tyra is there, wearing a do rag. She says, "Hello Miss Ladies" as the girls enter. Tyra says she knows their pits are sweating. Lord. There are prizes -- a contract with Elite Model Management, a cover and spread of Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. The judges, per usual, are Nigel Barker, Ms. J. Alexander, and Twiggles Twiglet Twiggy. We see Twiggy's Seventeen cover from 1874. Awesome.
Jael is first before the panel. Tyra notes that she was the challenge winner, and asks how that felt. Jael admits that she was nervous that it would change how the other girls treated her. Tyra asks if she wants to dull her shine to be liked, and Jael says she guesses so. Nigel tells her to do the best she can so that other girls can live up to being like her. Jael says she's been realizing that. I think Natasha's broken English is starting to rub off on the rest of the room. It's time to see Jael's pro-life picture. Jael says that she's very liberal and definitely pro-choice. Her photo is pretty, but the judges think that it lacks pro-life passion. Jael says that she did have a fever, and will never let illness affect her photos again. Bad move, man. Tyra says that Jael needs to pull it together, and that Tyra has been sick at Panel. Not only did she have to look good, she had to LEAD THE JUDGING PANEL. Do you understand? It's like a doctor performing life-saving surgery when her hand has been cut off. Heroic. Jael finally says that there's no excuse, and gets back in line. That sure learned her.
is pro-choice Natasha. Ms. J. says that it's like a Polaroid, and Twiggy says that Natasha blends into the background. Her face is expressionless and there's no connection with the camera. Well, that doesn't sound good.
is Dionne, who portrayed a vegan but really likes her meat. Ms. J. notes that she has a strong face, and they look at the close-up. Tyra says that the photo is good but not great, and that Tyra would like to see more neck and less jaw.
is pro-meat Cassandra. The discussion about her photo causes Tyra to say, "Oooh, I like the meat" twice. Someone should loop that to a techno beat. In general, the judges seem to like the photo.
is Renee, the peacenik. Nigel says that she slightly disappointed him. He got a great shot out of her, but all of her photos look just like that. Tyra notes that Renee looks scared, both in front of them and in the photo. Renee goes through the whole blah blah blah soncakes routine.
Diana is with her pro-gun photo. She has dead eyes, but the face is almost there. Nigel liked shooting her, and says that she went for it. Didn't Jay say earlier that she didn't really go for it? In any case, he was impressed that she could move. I hope he's not just saying that because she's plus-sized.
Then, there is anti-fur Kathleen. Tyra asks what Kathleen's stance on fur is, and she answers thusly: "I believe that if the animal's alive, you shouldn't kill it to make a fur coat or anything. But, if it's already dead, then...you could take the skin off. And just make a coat." And seriously, you guys...holy shit. Nigel starts cracking up. Tyra asks what she means by "if it's already dead," and Kathleen says, "Let's say, you know, because animals fight each other in the jungle, right? In the woods." Oh, man. I watched this episode with my aforementioned friend, Jessy, who is seven months pregnant. And she said, "If, in the two months, I'm tempted to pick up a glass of wine, I'll see Kathleen's face in it and just put it right back down." At this point, both the judges and the girls are laughing at her. Twiggy tells her that that's not how fur coats are made. Kathleen says, "Animals die like people die naturally sometimes, right?" Apparently, they still don't have animals in Brooklyn? I thought the borough had taken care of that. Twiggy again says that those aren't the animals that they use for fur coats, and adds that she's very, very anti-fur. As is anyone with a brain and a conscience, I have to say. And then, Kathleen's photo. Nigel says that Kathleen had one of the best sets, but that it didn't seem like she completely understood the concept. Kathleen looks at him blanky and says, "I know, right? I didn't." Oh, Kathleen. Tyra tells her that if she doesn't understand a concept, she has to ask. Kathleen says that both Mr. Jay and Nigel explained it to her so many times, but she didn't want to seem slow or like she wasn't catching on. And then Ms. J. returns to his roots of hilarity and screeches, "Weeeeeeeeeeelllll....." Kathleen says that she's not slow. We know, we know. She's special.
Then there is pro-fur Brittany, whose photo gets mostly positive compliments. Ms. J. says that she's like a bird, and very striking.
Then there is lesbian couple of the year Whitney and Samantha. Whitney says that she's definitely been "exposed" to the lifestyle. God, it's not like hepatitis. Samantha breaks down southern stereotypes and says that she doesn't think that anyone should be able to tell anyone else that they can't marry the person they love, so she's fine with gay marriage. Go, Samantha! Nigel says that both of the girls did a good job, but didn't listen when he and Jay told them to turn their bodies toward the camera. Ms. J. says that Samantha stole the photo, and Twiggy compliments her on her exquisitely lovely neck.
Man-loving Felicia is , and her photo gets great reviews.
We then have Jaslene, who was pro-death penalty. And seriously, her photo is awesome. I mean, who would have thought, right? She actually looks kind of like Janice. The judges go gaga over it. Twiggy says that the camera loves her, and Tyra adds that there's something extra-special in it. Her eyes are alive. Tyra once again prompts her to be the crazy Jaslene we all knew and felt ambivalent about, and Jaslene says that if they want her to walk down 180 steps, she will, and the last step will be just as fierce as the first. Oh my God, she is such a queen. Tyra wants to see the personality. WE KNOW. I can't believe Jaslene is going to get the "no personality" edit this year.
And finally, there is Sarah, whose political view was "life in prison." Nigel says that both he and Jay were disappointed with her shoot, and that she didn't do anything with her face. Tyra tells Sarah that there are two kinds of prisoners -- those who have given up hope, and those who feel like they have nothing to lose and everyone else in the prison is scared of them. Okay, but is Sarah actually a prisoner? I thought she was just supposed to be anti-death penalty. Like Susan Sarandon in that movie. Maybe they should have dressed her up like a nun.
The judges deliberate. Renee has no photographic savvy, but they hope she'll learn. Ms. J. feels like she might crack under pressure. Jaslene is fierce. Felicia has beautiful bone structure, and Tyra thinks she looks like Noemie Lenoir. Twiggy loves Samantha's neck and jaw. Tyra thinks Samantha has the face, but maybe not the personality. Whitney, on the other hand, has the personality, but disappears in her photograph. Ms. J. loves Brittany's photo. Twiggy worries about Kathleen, and says that you kind of want to take Kathleen home and look after her. Ms. J. says, "I don't." Heh. Twiggy wonders if Kathleen can understand what's going on around her. Twiggy thinks Kathleen is retarded. And seriously, if you're too dumb for Top Model, you have a long road ahead in life. Cassandra's photograph is powerful, but Nigel doesn't think that she has model looks. The judges neglect talking about Dionne's photo in favor of talking about her weave. Sarah was a big fat disappointment. Twiggy says that she has a very long middle section of her body, which is quite strange to look at. Jesus. It's a long torso, get over it. Diana is perfectly proportioned, but doesn't deliver in the face. Nigel is afraid she's a little deadpan. Natasha needs to get beyond being pretty. Jael is tall, which Ms. J. loves, and also looks exotic. Tyra tells the other judges that she's half-black, which comes as a shock to all of them. Nigel says that she didn't deliver on the day of the shoot. Tyra says that she was confused about how Jael was conflicted about winning the challenge because she worried that people wouldn't like her. Nigel sarcastically says that everyone loves a loser. Isn't that the whole premise behind Charlie Brown? Jael would rock that yellow and black shirt.
The girls return. Tyra tells them that, overall, they pretty much sucked on the photo shoot. She adds that, as models, it is their job to inspire and entertain. It's like a Make-a-Wish Foundation gift, but on a global scale. Tyra has twelve photos. She calls the following names: Jaslene, Brittany, Felicia, Diana, Samantha, Cassandra, Renee, Sarah, Dionne, Whitney, and Natasha. This, of course, leaves Jael and Kathleen. I can't believe they would get rid of either one of them! You talk about inspiring and entertaining! What more could you ask for? These girls could do a sketch comedy bit on The 700 Club! Anyway, Kathleen is dumb, and Jael wants too much to be liked. Jael won the challenge, so gets to stay. Tyra tells her that it's okay to do well. You can still be liked and be successful. Well, maybe. But you're not going to be liked as much, and that's the truth. Bitches are jealous, man.
Kathleen packs her stuff. She says she feels like she didn't even get to compete. But Tyra sees potential in her, and chose her to be in the house, and that means a lot to her. She says that she's not going to go home and sit on her couch like a big couch potato. She's going to work hard! That is, if she can find her way out of house. Goodbye, sweet Kathleen! We really will miss you.
week: the girls go back to school! Not literally, which is too bad for them, because some of them need a good remedial course or two.