It should come as no surprise to long-time viewers of Top Model that the intro to the recap episode begins with Tyra. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. Tyra on the catwalk, living out her dream to wear pasties and have someone call it high fashion, feeling at ease amongst the glitz and the glamour. And then there is a winner's montage that does not include Adrienne. You know what, get over it, Tyra. If you're going to include effing Naima, you might as well just admit that the greatest height one might achieve by winning this show is being on top...of a Brady.
Then we get some brief clips of the audition videos, which are my favorite part. I wish there were more of these. What I can glean from the quick cuts are that Brooke lives in a mansion of some sort, Megg has a staircase in her house, someone has a tire swing, Megan is fond of the extreme close-up, A.J. likes jumping on her bed and leopard print, and, of course, that Caridee is a closet folk singer, if a rather limited lyricist.
The semi-final candidates went to Los Angeles, where they immediately started to annoy us. Melrose annoyed us by dissing her "issa," that republican chick annoyed us on principle, Brooke annoyed us by rapping as her altar ego Farty G, and Tyra and the Jays annoyed us in the way that our extended families annoy us at Thanksgiving dinner when we can hear them smackily chewing mashed potatoes as gravy dribbles down their chin. There was a nude photo shoot, and then thirteen girls made the final cut. The winners were happy, the losers cried, and so another season of Top Model commenced. And now there are only seven bitches remaining: Whiney, Dykey, Slutty, Fatty, Jowly, Twinny, and Tedious. Let's take a skip down memory lane, shall we? And if you want to see what the original recaps said about these incidents, you can look them up your damn selves.
Woo hoo! Los Angeles! Top Thirteen! Gaudy mansion with numerous photos of Tyra! Girls jumping in the pool in their underwear! Oh, it all seemed so innocent then.
The girls' first challenge involved wearing ugly men's clothing. Rocker Megg thought that she would have an advantage because she's so rock 'n' roll. I bet if Megg could build a time machine and go back to one moment in history, she would choose the inaugural episode of Headbangers' Ball. Melrose won the challenge. But when the girls got back home, they were in for a surprise when some gays raided their closet. And not just any gays, but wardrobe stylist Charlie Altuna and makeup artist Sutan. If you close your eyes, Sutan sounds just like Stuart Smalley. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, I look fierce in size twelve stiletto heels!" Charlie and Sutan are basically doing a What Not To Wear with the girls. The girls get their luggage and set it up for the gays, who have a big flashy silver trash can. Sutan says that something of Caridee's is hideous, and she counters, "It was my mom's." Sutan doesn't care and throws it away. Caridee looks upset and does a father, son, and holy ghost. Dude, if her mother is dead, that's really kind of mean. Charlie thinks that a tank top of Christian's (hey, remember her?) looks like a frog threw up all over it, and that a pair of tall, sparkly boots looks like a disco ball. Monique says that she paid $200 for them. Either that is a total lie or Monique is more retarded than we had originally thought. Eugena is in agreement that Monique's boots are fashion trash, and says so in an interview.
There is more throwing away, and then for some unexplained reason, Charlie and Sutan love all of Melrose's clothes. What??? She looks like a homeless person who walked out of the movie Xanadu. She's totally going to roller skate off the wall and then dance with Gene Kelly! I can no longer trust the professional opinions of Charlie Altuna and Sutan. Anchal's clothes look like doilies. This is not surprising. Sutan tells the girls that later on in their lives, when they become big models, they're going to thank the two gay guys who came in and raided their suitcases. I can see the touching tributes to Neil Patrick Harris already.
The flip side of all of the throwing out of crap is that the girls get a little shopping spree at L.A.'s Skyla boutique. Sutan tells the girls that before they get their grubby, and probably sticky, hands, all over everything in the store, Tyra wanted them to get a little lesson on model basics. All wannabe models, pay attention. You need a mini-skirt, nude bra and panty, large bag, tank top, hair scrunchy, fitted jeans, black cocktail dress, and cute sneakers. I have all of those, except for the hair scrunchy. I threw those all out in 1987. And what about high heels? How many times has Tyra chewed out girls for coming to Panel not wearing heels?
As you ponder that question, the girls get a mere five minutes to shop as Charlie and Sutan bark either biting remarks or encouragement. As they do this, they of course trash the store. Christian tells us that she was a model before getting on this show, so had everything they asked for. Well, good, she can take it into obscurity with her. Caridee tells us that shopping was a huge success, and that she got everything she wanted and needed.
But you know what she didn't need? Melrose's bossy behavior back at the house. Remember that? Melrose makes dinner but says that she isn't going to clean the dishes, and Christian notes that people aren't feeling her whole "mother of the house" vibe. And then, there is the beautiful relationship that sprouted between Monique and Melrose. Monique sports a pair of butterfly wings and a giant sparkly microphone (or perhaps a vibrator, because you know that Monique of all people would have a gold sequined vibrator) and mocks the fact that Melrose talks all the time, as well as the way that Melrose tells everyone what to do, based on the notion that what she does/wears/uses is the best. Apparently Melrose is a fan of silk panties. More than I wanted to know, there, friends. This whole segment would probably be funnier if Monique weren't 100% batshit crazy. She interviews that she can't stand Melrose. Then Melrose is in the closet doing something and Monique totally says, "Die, bitch, die." Melrose, who is within earshot, is shocked. She says that Monique is hating on herself, and that's the problem. Monique clarifies that no, she's actually hating on Melrose. Would these two lovebirds get a room, already?
The girls had that shoot about model stereotypes. And, because the editors got mixed up and thought this was a Tyra's-most-embarrassing-moments montage, we see her trying to act over the top like a super diva model. We don't see her fall, though, which was totally the best part of that bit. Oy. Eugena is a black girl who wants to be white, and gets kudos from Jay. Caridee is genius, but maybe too zany. Christian as a model turned actress is a brokedown Tyra Banks. And Melrose, as the model who won't get out of bed for $10,000 a day, gives some rank attitude, which impresses no one. Jay hates her. She lands in the bottom two with Christian at Panel. Tyra encourages Christian to be a bad actress. That is advice she herself has certainly taken to heart. Christian goes home, even though she was really pretty. Both she and Melrose are heaving and crying. Christian says that she wishes she could turn back time. She wishes she could find a way. Then she'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd stay. Give her a second chance, will you? Because Tyra won't.
And then, there were makeovers, which happened in the girls' house. Frederic Fekkai himself was there to work magic on the girls, something for which they should have been grateful. The biggest shocker was Halle Berry hair for Jaeda, which you could just tell was going to cause some drama. Brooke liked her newly dark locks and Eugena felt similarly great about her long weave, however, Jaeda cried like a rainstorm and howled like the wind as her locks got chopped. Melrose didn't understand why Jaeda was complaining, because the cut made her go from suburban mom to supermodel. And then there was Monique, who started to cry when they took out her weave. No one had ever seen her without her weave! I bet her scalp is covered with festering boils. Jay was disgusted at the ungrateful bitches.
And then, in a moment that I can't believe didn't make the cut for an actual episode, there was some serious food drama. Monique interviewed that the twins ate all of her food. Cut to Jaeda saying that they need to have a house meeting concerning crazy Monique and how she threw away all of their food because she was mad that somebody ate her stuff. It's like GranolaGate all over again! Except, if you can believe it, even more psycho. Monique says that she took all the chips out and smashed them with her feet, and poured them into the trash can. See, this is why I don't mess with models and food. Those bitches be hungry and cranky. Amanda tells us that the whole thing is ridiculous, because they all pitched in an equal amount of money for food, and were all sharing everything equally. So there was no food that belonged specifically to Monique. They were communal Doritos. You know, if it was Cool Ranch we were talking about, I'd probably cut a bitch, too.
Megan asks Monique why she's such a crazy bitch, but in a really diplomatic way. Michelle tells her that she's ridiculous, and ends up saying, "Who's not sharing, bitch?" Which leads to Monique's reply of, "WHERE ARE MY DORITOOOOS?" It's like the, "Steeeellllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" of the new generation. We see the chip bag carcasses in the trash. And then it is mild-mannered Amanda who finally goes off on Monique, opening all of the cabinet doors and yelling, "There's food there! There's food there!" and pointing out that Monique isn't going to starve. Everyone wonders why Monique is so deranged. Let this be a lesson to all the kids at home who call their siblings, "Blackula": you are creating a total psycho.
The photo shoot for the week entailed crazy wigs from street hair shows. The girls all looked like exotic, drag queen birds. Could you imagine if birds went in drag? It would be, like, a blue jay wearing big peacock feathers. Some girls did well, but others, like Megan and Jaeda, got overwhelmed by their hair with moving parts. What we never saw was Megg having a major meltdown. Oh no! She is totally bawling after Jay gives her some negative feedback, and tells him that, like the hair of Samson, it is heavy metal music that gives her her strength. The silent set is like Delilah, and Megg is like a shell of her former self. How can you work it without the Crüe, man???? Jay is patient with her, but you can tell that inside he's like, "...Riiiiight." Megg tells us that she never cries, but here she feels so vulnerable. And then she says to some of the other girls, "I just want to play some bongos, man." I do hope that one day Megg finds the drumming circle of her dreams and can put all this trauma behind her.
And then, the girls formed a band! Megg made bongos out of a cardboard box. A.J. calls them the ghetto bongos. Megg tells us that she felt really crappy, but once she made bongos, her worries just melted away. A.J. plays the guitar and sings a song about Megg and how awesome she is, and then a song about how there are bitches in the house. I hear this same kind of situated inspired Paul Simon in some of his early work. Megg confessionalizes that they have enough drama going on, and someone has to bring the peace. Can we get Kofi Annan in there? Oh wait, she means herself. Peace, love, rock 'n' roll, and madness, baby! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
And then it was time for Panel, and Tyra rejoiced in being able to tell Jaeda that she's no longer the prettiest girl in school. Tyra is totally working out her Naomi Campbell issues on Jaeda. But it was cute Megan who got sent home. Sad times, until we forgot about her a minute later.
And then there was tightrope walking. Of course. No one broke anything important, I'm sad to say. Melrose established herself as the "fiercest competitor," or maybe her beret somehow helped to balance her. Everyone was sick of her already, even at this early point. Monique says that Melrose acts like she's so perfect, but she's not. This jealous attitude translated back into their living situation, as there were many battles over the phone room. And then, in a never before seen catfight, they can't manage to cook over the same stove. Monique grabs something that I guess Melrose was using, and Melrose asks her what she's doing and says that she's so weird. Monique appears to be drinking a glass of chardonnay, which is a little suspect as she is only, like, eighteen. Melrose asks Monique if she has psychological problems, and Monique does that thing where she just repeats everything Melrose says right back to her. That is so annoying. Melrose asks Monique to leave because she's scaring her, and Monique just does that same thing. Monique is, like, aggressively psychotic.
And then GranolaGate Cycle 5's Bre herself comes back to take a look as the girls catwalk while wearing masks in a cobblestone courtyard. To the joy of Monique, Melrose stumbled, but her joy was short lived as she started to feel ill, and not just in the brain. She had temperature fluctuations and I guess just felt overall bad. Melrose calls it karma. Eugena notes that Monique is getting sicker by the hour, and she has to go to the hospital. She goes to the hospital and tries to make it to the day's shoot, where she's obviously still not feeling well. Jay gives her the option to stay or go, and she chooses to leave, which is clearly a bad move. The other girls, meanwhile, have to walk on a tilty runway in the middle of a pool. Caridee's boob popped out, but this wasn't the biggest snafu of the evening since Eugena fell in the water.
And then there was a runaway bird. Mr. Bojangles! He probably thought he was with the girls from last cycle, given that he's blind and all.
Panel came down to Monique and Eugena, and clearly the fact that Monique missed the shoot got her sent home, much to the relief of the other girls. Monique thinks that she wasted her time there. Oh, but you've given the rest of us so much amusement! Don't think that your life is for no purpose, little one.
Meanwhile, Dani(elle) puts on bunny ears and poses in Central Park. Oh God, she's become a Furry! Stop sniffing the Wetslicks and come back to reality, honey.
So then there was also the time when the girls were instructed in how to be contortionists, with the help of Canada's Top Model's own Stacey McKenzie. And people in the know have told me that Stacey McKenzie is really, really cool, despite the fact that on first glance she is kind of terrifying. And I mean that in the kindest way possible. Anchal showed herself to be pretty flexible, but her newly found confidence was crushed when she heard Melrose and others trash-talking her in the hot tub. She cries about how mean all the bitches can be. Honey, it's called life. The girls pose on a pedestal for designer Bao Tranchi, and try to incorporate elements of some of their contortionist poses. And Eugena wins! Well done. I don't know why, but I kind of like Eugena.
But the biggest prize of all, of course, is Tyra coming to talk to the girls about fears and insecurities. Anchal spills the beans about feeling bad because of the trash-talking bitches that she has to cohabitate with. She cries and cries that she got made fun of when she was a kid, which, she has to add, nobody probably believes on account of how freaking gorgeous she is now. You know, she had me on that one, and then she lost me. Tyra tells the girls not to let some mean girl get in their head and throw them off base. CUT TO A REACTION SHOT OF MELROSE, who wants to get you and your little dog, too.
And then, in an unseen moment, Melrose has to account for her actions in front of the whole group after Tyra leaves. All right! Megg tells her that she gets very frustrated with Melrose and the way she comes off. Melrose says that she feels misunderstood, especially in regard to the situation with Anchal. Anchal says that she tried to get to know Melrose, but she still comes off with an attitude, and says mean shit about people. And no one likes that! It pisses people off, and Melrose ignores it. Melrose says that maybe there's just a part of her that the others don't like. Oh, how can you pick just one? Melrose says that she can't accelerate and change; they're all competing, and she's not going to be walked on, and she's going to demand the same respect that she gives to the others. Basically, she just doesn't give a shit. Back at home, A.J. and Caridee discuss the fact that Melrose's bitchiness is uncalled for. She finds little ways to put other people down, and they are just over it. They note the irony that she is the oldest person there, and the most childish.
And then there was the circus sideshow shoot, which entailed a lot of raw meat for cannibal A.J., and a lot of...twin-i-ness...for the twins. Caridee put on an elephant trunk, and Melrose got extra-ugly. Jaeda, as the strong woman, struggled, and Megg couldn't get past her mutton chops as the bearded lady. She is upset at her performance, especially because of the fact that she has modeling potential. At Panel, the judges loved Melrose's wrinkly fierceness, but didn't see the potential in Megg and she was sent home. In her exit interview, Megg notes that there's so much fake going on, and it's hard to keep a positive attitude. MELROSE.
Then, in Week Six, the girls did yoga. And then yoga instructor Shirley Archer put a mask on them and told them to dance. Wow, do they look like some rhythmless crackers. Back at the house, Michelle really opened up and told the others that she might be gay. Brooke is scandalized, and Eugena notes that Michelle might not have come out entirely, but she's straddling the fence. And what better time than on the eve of an outing to meet up with Mark Steines of Entertainment Tonight to learn some techniques for being a ball-sucking correspondent. Melrose, of course, was a natural. Brooke sounded too rehearsed, and A.J. was just clueless.
And speaking of A.J., she's having some difficulty. In the hot tub, she tells some of the other girls that she's having mixed feelings about accepting her fate as a person in the house, and about doing well in the competition. It fills her with an overwhelming depression, and she says that it's like something broke and she can't fix it. You know that in her heart A.J. thinks that this is one lame-ass reality show competition. Finally, someone with some sense! Caridee says that A.J. is hard to read because she has so many mood swings and a dark side. Melrose is sick of A.J.'s complaining and her pessimistic view of life. Well, A.J.'s pessimistic view of life is sick of you too, Melrose.
The day, the girls' correspondent skills were put to the test as they interviewed Janice Dickinson on the red carpet. Caridee calls her overpungent. A.J. forgets her question, and Jaeda gets tongue tied and causes Janice to steal her microphone. Melrose, however, was awesome, and got another challenge victory, which made everyone hate her even more.
Tyra visited the house again for some soul-searching one-on-ones. Melrose thinks that the other girls are intimidated by her, although she notes that her air of overconfidence might push people away. She's as cold as ice! She'll never take advice! And someday she'll pay the price, I know! Caridee tells Tyra about suffering the horrors of psoriasis. Good times.
At the week's photo shoot, the girls pose as celebrity couples. With themselves! So, like, Caridee played both Angelina and Brad, Eugena was Jay-Z and Beyonce, etc. But A.J. was not enjoying being J. Lo and Marc Anthony. In an interview, she asks how she's supposed to be, "Latino...or Mexican, or whatever." I can see how being a cannibal would be a lot easier than being Latino. Playing Mexican or whatever just seems so OUT THERE. Jaeda made a great Bobby Brown, but an iffy Whitney. (And speaking of, how excited are you that Whitney is getting her shit together? Seriously, it could be the Greatest Comeback Ever. Go, Whitney! Shred the receipts! But I digress.) Back in Top Model Land, Jaeda stages a judging of her own. I have to say, she makes a pretty good Tyra. The trick is sounding like a mildly disabled robot. The twins are in Jaeda's bottom two, and her speech is so funny. She says, "So you know both of you...look very much alike. But each of you has your own personality." HA! In the middle of this tense moment, Caridee totally farts. Awesome. In the mock-elimination, Michelle gets chosen. Hmmm, foreshadowing?
At the real Panel, Jaeda still doesn't get raves, and lands in the bottom two for the third time. But an indifferent A.J. is the one to go, and that seems totally okay with her. She interviews that she came into this competition not knowing what to do with her life, and she hopes that it's given her some direction that modeling is at least an option for her future. I'm down with that.
The photo shoot involved Tyra behind the lens, and the girls wearing some freaky contacts. Scary/sexy was the theme. Tyra says that she wants angry and evil, but with sex appeal. Kind of like Katie Couric. What? She's hot. We get to see all of these photos, because Tyra is the best. Do you get it? THE BEST. The girls then got schooled in subtle sexiness by burlesque sensation Dita Von Teese. While Melrose and Caridee were comfortable being sexy, others had some problems working it. These included Michelle, who in all fairness had a baseball bat to work with, and virginal, pure Brooke, whose only prop was her hymen. The head of Elite Models had the girls over for a dinner party, in which the girls provided the entertainment by walking down the table like it was a runway. I do not like to eat with shoes near my food, so I don't know how the guests of that party did it. Amanda stumbled a little, and Anchal struggled with the fact that her body is more suited for swimwear than runway. In the end, it was Melrose who scored yet another challenge victory, thus really sealing the hate of the other girls. And Anchal still can't get over the fact that she's fatter than she used to be. Ain't we all, sister. Caridee offers the helpful advice that Anchal should stop, "Fryin' up that sausage." But sausage is so delicious!
And speaking of sausage, the girls did a photo shoot with Special Guest Star Fabio. The theme was romance novel covers, and Anchal used her curves to her advantage. Brooke, however, was pretty clueless. Well, give the girl a break, she didn't get to go to prom. The judges criticized her for her inhibition in the shoot, and she was eliminated. She says that it's hard, because she wanted it more than anyone. And, they fail to mention, it was the night of her high school graduation! Stupid Tyrant.
So only seven girls remain! They are: Melrose, the bold beauty with an eye for fashion from San Francisco. Eugena, the sexy siren who sizzles on the runway, from Palmdale, California. Michelle, the long tall tomboy, and her photogenic twin Amanda, from Anaheim. Caridee, the stunner from Fargo with the super-sized personality. Anchal, the gentle breathtaking beauty from Homestead, Florida. And Jaeda, the statuesque student from Parkersburg, Iowa. Who will win? It's anyone's game, bitches!