So, one of the twins comes out as maybe possibly potentially bi or gay or whatever. I think it's Michelle, but I still can't tell them apart. The girls get lessons from some Entertainment Tonight Ken doll on how to interview people. And then they have to practice their newfound skills on Janice Dickinson. I expected to be thrilled to see her, but she's still dead to me for cutting Andrew on her own show. Man, he was tasty. However, I do love that the girls insult Janice -- Caridee calls her stinky and Brooke calls her bitchy. Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janice? And a bird craps on her. I call that karma. Melrose wins the challenge, because she's the only one with a personality strong enough to stand up to La Janice. Her prize is to do some red-carpet interviewing for ET. We also get the patented Tyra therapy session with each girl. It's as boring as you might expect, although Melrose gets outed as a bitch and Caridee tells us that she once suffered from the heartbreak of psoriasis. Then Michelle comes out to her mom over the phone. (And I love that her mother can't tell the twins apart over the phone). But her mom is pretty great and mostly just tells her daughter how much she loves her. That was sweet. The big photo shoot involves the girls posing twice, once as each half of a celebrity couple (like Brad and Angelina or Oprah and Steadman). Like we need to see more pictures of Britney and K-Fed. The show demonstrates a sense of humor by making Michelle pose as Ellen and Portia. There's a judging challenge, which involves the girls giving commentary over some footage of an ANTM red-carpet event. Caridee, Brooke, and Melrose do fine, but the others all suck. The only really weak picture is A.J.'s, and she ends up going home. And then they announce that she was last week's Cover Girl of the Week. Heh.
Previously: the hate of the house transferred from the departed Monique to the sadly still remaining Melrose. A.J. turned heads and ate brains as a sexy cannibal in her photo shoot, while Megg and Jaeda struggled with their respective circus freak roles. In the end, Megg went home, and the world of rock n' roll braced itself for her ascension. Nine bitches are left, if you can believe it.
It is night. Caridee is plunking away on a guitar. Rock n' roll! Except not. It's a very mellow tune she's playing, perhaps as a eulogy for Megg. Somewhere Megg is all, "Dude, that sounds like the intro to 'Enter Sandman.' That's rad, man." I think that maybe Caridee is singing, too, but it's really hard to tell. Some other girls sit around, and one of them is perhaps contemplating why a finger-picked guitar makes her think of the Indigo Girls, and why thinking of the Indigo Girls makes her get all tingly inside. But we'll get to that in a minute. Jaeda says that being in the bottom two is depressing, and that she thinks she sucks. That makes four million and one of us. She was in the bottom two for the second time last week, and wonders what she's doing. Well, she's surely not styling her hair with any kind of talent, that's for sure.
A.J. tells us that, of the girls in the house, she was the closest to Megg, and that losing Megg is like losing a huge spirit. Like, the spirit of the teenager who died tragically in an electrical accident at a Van Halen concert in one of those Rock N' Roll High School meets teenage-ghost movies, but managed to haunt her friend into getting her GED (and winning the love of the school's resident dork, who, as it turns out, is secretly a guitar god), choosing to haunt most often while said friend and her pert bosoms took a shower. Clearly, the part of Megg would be played by Tatum O'Neal. We flash back to everyone crying when Megg left. Cut to present-day Melrose, who mocks them. She says that she cried like that when she almost went home herself, but that she's sure as hell not crying when anyone else goes home. She says that they can all go, because she's fine being by herself. Doesn't she realize that one is the loneliest number?
Meanwhile, it is day, and some of the girls are sitting around talking. Jaeda says to the twins that Michelle is the one who opens up more. She says that this doesn't mean she likes Amanda any less, which causes Eugena to pipe up to say, "I do!" It's bitchy, yet grammatically suspect enough to give you pause and just think she's kind of dumb. Eugena interviews that the twins are two different people -- Amanda is more self-conscious, while Michelle's outgoing. Jaeda then starts bouncing on the big bean bag chair Amanda's lying on and yelling, "I hate Amanda!!!!!!" Everyone laughs. Now, if Monique had done that, no one would have thought it was funny. Of course, she would have been whirling around pairs of her dirty underwear, which tends to take the lightheartedness out of such moments. Amanda interviews that when you're twins in a competition, everyone compares you a lot, which really sucks.
Cut to Michelle sitting on the edge of Jaeda's bed. Jaeda is under the covers and has either a giant retainer or Ziploc baggie of cookies on her chest. Michelle, completely out of context, says that she doesn't tell people whom she likes. Hmmm, okay. Jaeda asks Michelle if she's ever had a boyfriend. She hasn't. Michelle interviews that, all her life, she's been hiding that she doesn't know who she is. She's still finding herself, and she's finally able to admit that she has no idea. Okay, that sounds pretty vague. You know what's not vague, though? The cut to Michelle saying to Jaeda, "I might be...gay." You know who is the lesbo super-sleuth? That's right, bitches -- yours truly. I'm like a Bloodhound Gang of one. Don't ever send me footage of yourself; otherwise I'll have to discover and tell the world that you're gay, too. Michelle adds that she just doesn't know if she is or not. Oh, yes she does. I mean, come on, there, Mickey. Brooke looks absolutely scandalized about the whole thing, in a smiley way. Brooke probably thought that lesbians were some sort of urban legend, like unicorns, or Bill Gates giving you a million dollars for forwarding that email.
Eugena interviews that she doesn't know if Michelle came out of the closet or not, but that she's straddling the fence. What looks like a fence is actually Sheryl Swoopes. Melrose tells Michelle that she looks like she's more comfortable with herself. Michelle says that she was scared of it before, but now she's like, "Whatever." Michelle, honey, if you need some sort of lesbian advisor/mentor, you just call Mama Potes. Gay is OKAY!
Michelle and Amanda walk down some stairs and to the phone booth. Amanda says, "Wow, twin." Michelle says that she came out kind of randomly, and then adds that she didn't say that she was gay; she said she didn't know if she was gay, because, in fact, she doesn't know. You know who usually don't wonder if they're gay? Straight people. ["Eh, there's always doubt. You see a Lauren Graham and you think, 'Sure, I could do a three-day gay for that." -- Wing Chun] Amanda interviews that she kind of avoided talking about it, because she didn't want to make it into a big deal, and in fact just wanted it to go away. That's not very supportive, you homophobe! As Michelle will soon learn, the best part of being a lesbian is that you can call other people homophobes at pretty much any time. Also, you get to kiss other girls. What's clear is that Michelle wants to talk about it. She tells Amanda, "I told you before, right?" Amanda gives a little "Yeah," and tries to untangle the phone cord. You know that, inside, Amanda is like, "MY BIG-MOUTHED DYKEY SISTER IS RUINING MY CHANCES OF BECOMING AMERICA'S TOP TWIN MODEL!!! KEEP YOUR CARPET MUNCHING TO YOURSELF, GAY TWIN!!!"
There is Tyra Mail. "I once heard that dumb models ask stupid questions. I've also heard that there's no such thing as a stupid question. Is there? Find out today." My, how ominous. From off-camera, Michelle says, "Maybe we're acting dumb." "Acting"?
The girls head off to meet Mark Steines, co-host of Entertainment Tonight. Does anyone still watch Entertainment Tonight? Mark says that he's been on the show for eleven years, and has talked to pretty much every star in Hollywood. I still couldn't pick him out of a line-up. Mark is there to teach the models what a good interview is. They'll get a chance to interview him, and he'll teach them some nuanced interviewing technique. As such: "Ask a question [points microphone to own mouth]...get an answer [points microphone away from own mouth]." Oooh, I don't know if I got that. Mark says that it seems simple, but it's not.
The girls take turns interviewing Mark. Caridee asks who he's wearing, and while he looks at the tag inside his jacket, she jokes, "Ahh, Mary-Kate and Ashley." Hee! Anchal asks how Mark he is. Is that really a good question? Mark says that he'll be forty-two, and Anchal says that's awesome. Anchal hasn't really mastered the [points microphone to own mouth] [points microphone away from own mouth] part of the interviewing technique. Then Brooke asks, "So Mark...how did you get your start in the entertainment industry? Where did you begin?" Mark tells her that her questions are coming in like she rehearsed and studied them. He tells her to be herself. It saddens me greatly to tell Mark that that's how she sounds all the time. He should have advised her to not be herself. , Eugena asks if Mark is married. He says that he is, and is halfway through this answer before Eugena remembers to whip the microphone towards him. Mark says, "Man, you might have snapped the head right off of that thing." Something tells me that's not the first time he's said that. there is Jaeda, who is a hot mess. She interviews that she's not good at finding questions to ask people. Jaeda just keeps saying, "Mark..." and cracking up. Michelle gets all faux-flirty (faux because she's a lesbian) and asks Mark if he knows how to answer questions with that perfect charm so he doesn't get in trouble. Mark asks how he's doing, and Michelle says that he's doing rather well. Mark blushes a little in a way that he hasn't since he interviewed k.d. lang at the 1997 Grammys. is Amanda, who can't manage to get a word out. A dykiest-looking ever Michelle confessionalizes that she could tell Amanda was so uncomfortable, and that she hasn't been her normal outgoing self at all. To wit, Amanda asks Mark what his shoe size is. One hopes that is followed by her telling him to act his age. A.J. starts off with a big, confident "Mark, how's it going?" and then loses it. She tells us that when she's nervous, she breaks out in hives. That's pretty inconvenient for a model. A.J. doesn't like questioning strangers. I can't blame her for that.
Finally, Mark calls up Melrose. This causes one of the other girls to say "Mel-stank." HA! Wow, they must hate her a lot to call her Mel-stank to her face. Melrose asks what's up with that, and says that she doesn't call them mean names. This leads someone else to say "Smell-rose." See, I wish I had thought of that. That is just genius. Melrose interviews that the girls give her attitude, but that she doesn't care. She's going to focus on keeping it positive. I'm sad to report that, despite the other girls (we'll dub them "The Mel-foes") looking on and mocking her, Melrose does pretty well. Mark tells her that a lot of personality came through. Someone else says, "She's a ding dong." More like a ho-ho. Melrose interviews that The Mel-foes are crazy, and that they care way too much what's going on with her as opposed to minding themselves. I don't know. I mean, is Melrose really surprised that people hate her? REALLY?
Back at the house, Michelle goes to see Amanda, who's lying in bed. Michelle confessionalizes that she just came out that she might be "bisexual or whatever," which felt really good, but that, at the same time, she's trying to figure out what's going on with her sister. Michelle tells Amanda that she's not being herself. Amanda says that she's being herself; she's just mellow. She is indeed being pretty weird. All of a sudden, A.J. asks if the fact that Michelle might be gay makes Amanda uncomfortable. Whoa! A.J. gets right to the heart of things. Michelle tells Amanda she's worried that Amanda's not being herself. Amanda seems kind of depressed -- perhaps because Michelle is totally getting a storyline. Commercials.
When we return, there is Tyra Mail. "BEWARE OF SUPERMODEL. SHE BITES!!!!" Brooke thinks that maybe they're going out to dinner. Girl, you'd better hope not.
The girls wind up at Geoff Thomas designs, where Mark is once again waiting for them. Mr. Thomas is unveiling a line of jewelry tonight, and the girls are assigned to work the red carpet. Mark is going to be acting like a Cyrano de Bergerac for retards, and will help the girls out via an earpiece. And then, Mark drops the bomb: their interview for tonight is...Janice Dickinson. Caridee instantly puts her head in her hands and says, "Oh my God." I wish people had that reaction when they heard my name. ["I bet Tyra does." -- Wing Chun] We get a mini-Janice montage that makes me miss her ever so. You'd never see Twiggy humping Tyra, you know? The girls are totally scared. Janice Dickinson strikes fear into the hearts of young models, which is as it should be. At least they'll be in public this time, which really limits any sort of nefarious fate that could befall them.
La Dickinson emerges from her limo, looking fierce as always. Caridee is first to interview her. In all fairness, given the way Caridee is looking right now, it's possible that Janice thought a streetwalker was assaulting her. Caridee asks Janice what makes her Janice Dickinson, who is so "over...I can't think of the word right now." Janice tries to help her with sign language. Caridee then asks her what makes her so "overpungent." Ha! In an interview, Caridee laments that "overpungent" is a smell, a very strong smell. Take out the word "over" and she's at least on the right track. The funny thing is that Janice could probably answer that in one word: formaldehyde.
, Brooke accosts Janice and says that she's looking sexy. Good start, good start. Mark tells Brooke to make Janice like her. Then Brooke asks, "What makes you so bitchy?" Again, I feel like she could answer this with a simple "The Quaaludes." Instead, Janice flounces away all pretend-mad. Or maybe real mad. Mark feels sorry for whoever has to go .
That person happens to be Anchal, who is clueless enough as it is. Janice asks Anchal where she's from, and Anchal forgets (a) that she should be doing the interviewing, and (b) what to do with the microphone.
, Eugena gets off to a good start and then a bird poops on Janice. Well, it was bound to happen at some point.
, Michelle twitchily asks Janice if there's any inappropriate time for a model to have an attitude. Janice says that she doesn't even know how to answer the question because Michelle is moving so much. Michelle interviews that she tried to get some good sound bites, but that most of those happened to be of Janice making fun of her. Hey, at least Michelle isn't dead to Janice. As of yet. Michelle messes up the designer's name, and Janice is appalled.
Then there's Amanda, who tries to ask a question about Janice being the world's first supermodel. However, she's all bumbling and can't get it right, and then Janice asks Amanda to tell Janice what a supermodel is. Amanda has no clue. Mark says that if Amanda were a model correspondent on his show, they'd have to light a fire under her. Dude, they've let Mary Hart run amok all lobotomized for the last sixty years; you'd think they could cut Amanda some slack.
A.J. starts to talk to Janice, who rightfully asks what the hell is up with A.J.'s ugly pink hat. Janice tells her that the hat looks like it's got mothballs in it. Actually, I think she means that it looks like it doesn't have mothballs in it, and has been eaten by moths. Sometimes with Janice you just have to go with the spirit of what she's saying rather than getting too technical. Mark tells A.J. to get the focus of the interview back on to Janice. Janice asks A.J. to take off the hat, which A.J. does. Somehow in this process, Janice has ended up with the microphone. Mark says that A.J. has lost the interview. It's true. A.J. forgets her questions, and eventually just thanks Janice for her time. Janice notes to everyone else standing around that A.J. has broken into hives and is all red. I think those might actually be cooties she caught from Janice.
And then there is Melrose, who does pretty well, probably because she's the only one with an ounce of real bitch in her.
Jaeda is last, and can't even think of a question. Janice grabs the mic from her, but overall is not nearly as mean as she might have been.
Janice and Mark meet the girls after the challenge. Janice asks A.J. why she's still wearing her ugly pink hat, and whether she thinks that's fashion. Janice says that she wouldn't wipe her car with it. I don't think "car" is what she really wanted to say there. A.J. interviews that she loves her hat, and doesn't care what Janice thinks. I'm sorry, but that is an ugly hat. ["Word. It looks like a pair of holey bloomers." -- Wing Chun] In any case, the winner of this challenge gets to be a correspondent with Entertainment Tonight for a special event. And the winner is, of course, Melrose, who is maybe the only person who didn't suck. Janice yells that she agrees, and tells the others that Melrose blew them out of the water. Cut to A.J. saying that she's definitely excited she didn't win this prize. I am glad Janice didn't hear that, or A.J. would look exactly like her hat. Melrose interviews that a lot of the girls said that they didn't want to win it, and that she thought they were trippin', because it's going to be awesome.
The morning, or some morning in the past or maybe the future, and maybe not, after all that, even morning, Tyra sneaks into the girls' bedrooms and wakes them up from a nap. Everyone is shocked. Tyra tells the girls that she knows the modeling industry inside and out, and that it's important for her to offer them some guidance and help. You know what this means: Stop! Oprah time. Tyra notices a drawing of herself on the wall and asks who did it. It's A.J.'s handiwork. It looks like one of those caricatures that you get on the beach at Ocean City. Tyra says that it's really good, and that she's hard to draw, so people usually make her look like an alien. An enemy of accuracy, is Tyra.
A.J. is first in the Tyra one-on-one. Tyra asks how she's doing. A.J. says that she's doing better. She feels like she can't really talk to a lot of the girls there, so she keeps to herself. It's hard to try to do your best when you're around people who don't understand you, she says. Tyra asks who's troubling A.J., and the answer is of course Melrose, who is, according to A.J., abrasive and just plain not nice. Tyra asks if Melrose isn't in fact the sweet, bubbly girl who appears in front of the judges at Panel. A.J. confirms this.
And then Melrose is up , in her stupid pink beret. Melrose says that she's nervous. Tyra asks if Melrose thinks that the other girls are intimidated by her. Melrose says yes, and that she feels like they just don't want her around them. She adds that she's spent much of her life trying to be confident, and that perhaps lapses into overconfidence, which pushes the other girls away. Or, it might be her blue knit booties. Tyra tells Melrose to close her eyes and remove all of her armor and protection. AND, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THE BERET. She asks whether Melrose is scared to be vulnerable. Melrose says she's scared, but that she's strong. I don't think Melrose is getting the question. I can't wait for Tyra to whoop her ass at Panel. It might not happen this week, but trust me when I say that, eventually, Melrose will be apologizing to the hat.
Then there is Eugena, who says that she's trying to work on her pictures. Tyra says that pictures are a very important part of the competition, but that a lot of the judges feel that Eugena gives off a coldness. Eugena says that it's frustrating, and that she sees all the other girls letting their emotions out. She sheds one single, solitary tear as she says this, which is totally the right move. She says that she wants to tap into her emotions, and Tyra notes that she's tapping into them right now. Sucka!
Then there's Caridee, who says that three months ago, she had -- wait for it -- psoriasis that covered 78% of her body. The horrors! Caridee has just a little bit left on her knee. She starts to cry and says that it was a very emotional thing for her. She always wanted to model, but always got turned down. She says that, her whole life, she just wanted to wake up and put on a pair of shorts and go outside, like so many people do and take for granted. And now, finally, she is able to achieve that goal. You guys, while we've been worrying about AIDS and cancer and the bird flu, and doing 10K runs and buying things with pink ribbons on them and whatnot, someone has apparently gone and found a cure for psoriasis. Well I'll be. Tyra notes that Caridee is a photographer, and asks, "Were you behind the camera because you were suffering with the psoriasis, but dying to be on the other side?" Caridee says that that is true. Wow, it's like a modern-day elephant man, but scalier.
Then there is Michelle. Tyra notes that she's flowering and opening up. HA. Tyra is totally going to give Michelle a Georgia O'Keeffe poster and a fish taco . Michelle says that she never thought that you could be a tomboy and model, but now she's realizing that you can, and that she's kind of naturally good at it. Tyra says that Michelle is indeed naturally good at it. Tyra asks if Michelle feels guilty because Amanda's dream is to be a model, but Michelle's doing better at it. Michelle says that Amanda just needs to relax and be herself, because she's not being herself at all.
And then there is Amanda, who says that she doesn't know how she's doing when Tyra asks. Tyra says that she sees somebody who's withdrawing and going inside. She asks why Amanda's light is dying. It's because the audience hasn't clapped enough. Amanda says that she doesn't want everyone to know everything about her. She mentions that Michelle just came out that she doesn't know her sexual orientation. She says that she hasn't talked about it that much, and then starts crying, saying that she's scared for her sister. She says that maybe she's gay and maybe she isn't, and either way is fine because Michelle's her sister, but that she doesn't think everyone has the right to know that about Michelle. See, that kind of makes sense. At first I thought she might have a problem with Michelle being gay, but really I think that she just wants them all to have some damn privacy. Amanda says that this is weird, and that she doesn't cry very often. Tyra says that she cries all the time, and in fact cried yesterday for two hours. Two hours? Really? Maybe she should be seeking professional help instead of trying to give it. ["Also, I would like to know what she was crying about, because I kind of want it to be your recaps." -- Wing Chun] Tyra asks whether Amanda has talked to Michelle about this. Amanda hasn't, because she's been trying to hide it from the others. Tyra says that the cat's out of the bag, and that Michelle needs Amanda now more than ever. Wow, Tyra's actually making some sense. The end is nigh. Commercials.
So meanwhile, Dani(elle) has been working so hard that she relaxes a little by getting a manicure. And she brings her own Cover Girl nail polish. Dude, the reason that you buy Cover Girl nail polish is because you can't afford a manicure, and have to paint your nails yourself with cheap crap. In which case, really, you might as well go for the Wet and Wild. So really, this My Life as a Cover Girl has taught us nothing.
When we return, Michelle and Amanda go in the phone room together. Amanda interviews that she talked to Tyra about "her sister being...I guess you could say...bisexual," and that "it's cool now." Wow! Tyra has totally achieved her dream of being somebody's Oprah! Thank goodness for the twins. Michelle and Amanda get their mom on the phone. Michelle tells us that most lesbians and/or gay people have a hard time coming out to their families, because their families can, like, disown them. It's true. Maybe that will happen now and Michelle will get adopted by Tyra. Take that, Jolie! Michelle tells her mom that she announced that she doesn't know if she's straight or not. Her mom says, "...Okay," and then there is silence. Michelle gets kind of emotional, and hands the phone to Amanda, who asks her mom what she said. Their mom has to ask if it's Michelle or Amanda talking. I suppose the follow-up question is "Now which one of you is it that likes the puss?" Michelle tears up. Amanda tells their mom that Michelle is upset, and Mom asks to talk to her. Amanda hands the phone back. She interviews that Michelle is a strong person, and says that she was happy to be there when this all happened. No matter "what type of sexuality" Michelle is, Michelle is her sister. What if Michelle is a Furry? What then, Ms. Sudden Tolerance? Mom tells Michelle not to fret about it, because they love her no matter what. Michelle says, with a huge grimace, "I know. I love you, Mommy. Happy Mothers' Day." HA! They should totally change the date of National Coming Out Day so that it coincides with Mothers' Day. In any case, I know there was some debate about how the twins' mom handled the situation. In my estimation, she did pretty well. At least she didn't say, "Don't tell your father." That might have happened to a friend of mine.
And just when you think things couldn't get any gayer, we cut to Melrose in a gold lamé dress on her assignment for ET. She's covering the red carpet for some sort of CW event, where there are all sorts of CW "stars." I'm sorry, but I don't know who these people are. Oh, except I do know Tyra. Melrose asks Tyra what the most uncomfortable thing is that she's wearing. Tyra says it's her shoes, and then both she and Melrose take off their shoes. I bet they cut the shot of Kristen Bell asking aloud, "Is someone eating cheese?" Tyra compliments Melrose on how well she's doing. Melrose is excited and thinks it's a great prize. And really, Melrose is the perfect choice for it, given that those entertainment-show correspondents are on the whole some of the most ingratiating and annoying humans on the planet.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you'll work with the person who knows you best." Caridee thinks that this means they'll have to work with family. I hope it means that they all have to model alongside Angela's mom.
The girls arrive at a studio where they meet Jay, who tells them that they'll pose with themselves in a photograph. They'll shoot each girl once, send her back to hair and makeup, and then shoot her again. And I'm sure those of you who love high fashion will be thrilled to know that the girls will be posing as celebrity couples. The assignments are as such: Caridee will be Brad and Angelina; Brooke will be Britney and K-Fed; Eugena will be Beyoncé and Jay-Z; A.J. will be J. Lo and Marc Anthony; Michelle is Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi (HA!); Amanda will be Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; Jaeda will be "Bobby and Whitney Houston"; Anchal will be Oprah Winfrey and Stedman (DOUBLE HA!); and Melrose will be Donald Trump and Melania (TRIPLE HA!). Melrose complains good-naturedly about having to be Donald Trump. I can't believe that no one has to be Ice-T and Coco.
Jay tells the girls that, to photograph them as celebrities, they needed to get a photographer who makes his living photographing celebrities. But they couldn't find one, so instead they got frequent Tyra Banks fellater Matthew Jordan Smith. Matthew tells the girls that they will work harder today than they ever have in their lives. Really? They've had some easy-ass lives.
Eugena is up first, and poses as Jay-Z. This involves wearing a trucker hat and large sunglasses and kind of bopping around. As Beyoncé, she has a giant wig and looks toothier than normal. I highly recommend rewinding the bits where Jay gives Eugena direction, even though it will make you feel dirty.
is Anchal, who gets outfitted in the most hideous wig and mustache ever for her portrayal of Oprah. Or, er, Stedman. Seriously, if I were Stedman, I would sue. It looks like Vicki Lawrence's wig from Mama's Family. And speaking of, can you guys believe that "Vicki Lawrence and Mama: A Two-Woman Show" is a real thing? Come to think of it, why didn't any of the models have to be Naomi and Vinton? Anchal doesn't know how to play a man. I suggest that she ask Jaeda. Anchal is then Oprah. She doesn't really look anything like Oprah, but is pretty nonetheless. Jay tells her that she did a good job.
is Caridee as Brad Pitt. She says, in a really low dopey voice, "I have some kids now." Heh. Caridee poses with some crying multicultural orphans. She tells us that if she were a kid and had to hang out with herself outfitted as Brad Pitt, she'd be crying too. The styling on this shoot kind of underscores what a loser Brad Pitt is. The kids cry like crazy. Caridee is Angelina, hiding from the paparazzi. She does a good job, apparently.
A.J. says that she was jealous of Caridee, because she wanted to be Angelina and Brad. But instead she got stuck with Corpse Marc Anthony and J. Lo. A.J. is totally lost when it comes to being Marc Anthony. And seriously, WTF is up with the makeup? She looks like she has chocolate pudding smeared all over her face. Jay says that A.J. isn't being as creative as he'd like her to be. A.J. gets some sort of butt enhancement to be J. Lo, but regrettably does not get a performance enhancement. She interviews, "I'm giving what I can to the situation, and if I can't give enough, then it's my problem." See, here is the thing. A.J. does not want to be there anymore.
up is Brooke, who is convincingly slimy as K-Fed. She has a pudding face similar to A.J.'s, as well as cornrows. Brooke says that she just wanted to loosen up and have fun with it, and not be too perfect. As Britney, Brooke has to pose with an eight-foot yellow python, named Banana. She doesn't seem to mind too much, and gets all freaky with the python. Jay says that Brooke surprised him, and showed that she has a little something brewing under that perfect veneer. We're all sluts on the inside, is the lesson we just learned.
And then, Jaeda has to be Bobby Brown. She says that she felt really comfortable doing it. I don't even know what to say about this shoot. It's just so gross. Jaeda gets a really bad Whitney wig. She looks like the clip-art version of Whitney. Jay says that he doesn't know if he believes Jaeda's Whitney 100%, but that he'll give her an A for effort. Or for "Ass almost going home, yet again."
Then Michelle gets a bad Ellen DeGeneres wig. Amanda notes the irony of Michelle posing as the lesbian couple. Jay says that Michelle is being kind of dorky, and then tells her to do an Ellen dance. She does a really good Ellen dance, I have to say. She then poses as Portia, and is wearing a dress worth $15,000. And a wig that someone found in a dumpster. I'm just saying.
Then there is Amanda, who looks like a cross between Elvira (Mistress of the Dark) and a hooker as Demi Moore. Amanda asks in a confessional if she can wear a dress or something. She's wearing a skankalicious bikini. Amanda does a bang-up job being Ashton. I guess a trucker hat brings out the creativity in everyone. Jay gives her props. Amanda says that she thinks she did well, and so did Michelle, so the twins are here to stay.
Then there is Melrose, who notes that she's doing well in the competition but feels very alone, because perhaps the other girls are "intimidated of [sic] her" "or something." "Or something" really means "hate her annoying ass." I am sad to report once again that Melrose does a really great job as Melania. Jay tells her that it's almost like Top Model history, because every frame is useable. Melrose downplays her performance to the other girls, even though inside she of course thinks she's the best. Then Melrose gets a crazy wig as Donald. And I have to say...Melrose freaks me the fuck out as Donald Trump. What an evil little she-male that is.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting canned. Jaeda thinks that she did well in her photo shoot, but she's bad at interviewing, so maybe she'll get sent home. She says that if she's in the bottom two again -- which would be her third time -- she doesn't know what she'll do. Well, I guess we're all about to find out! Commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. I should note that there's no picture of Tyra to introduce us to the judging. Maybe she was mad that she couldn't be Oprah and Stedman. Tyra notes that the girls have had a whirlwind week. There are prizes, and judges. Matthew Jordan Smith is the guest judge. Tyra notes that a lot of the former ANTM winners have gone on to do commentating of one sort or another. One of these is Yoanna, who's on the Style Network. Yay, Yoanna! I always forget how pretty she is. So as a challenge, the girls this week must commentate footage of an ANTM finale party. Tyra tells them that they have to give their P.O.V. Anchal does not know what this is, but hopes it means Porky, Oily Vittles. Anchal is hungry.
There is commentary. Michelle notes that Tyra has a weave. Brooke holds the microphone upside down. Eugena says that Mr. and Miss J. in their matching black eyeliner look like they just got back from a funeral. Liberace's funeral, maybe. Amanda says that Miss J. looks lovely in his dress. She quickly corrects that to "gown." Brooke wonders what Miss J. has under that dress. Caridee notes that people at home should take notes on Miss J., because this is what professionals do. Professional whats? Eugena says that Miss J. looks like he's wearing a big trash bag. Jaeda and A.J. just suck. Anchal, too. She says how nervous she is, and the panel starts talking about food. Anchal is like, "Finally, the promise of the Vittles will be realized!"
It's time for photo evaluations. Caridee did well on the commentary, and also on the photo. She manages to look both Angelina-ish and Bradly masculine.
Jaeda's commentary was terrible, but her photo is anything but hell to the naw. Her Bobby Brown gets raves, but Nigel notes that her eyes as Whitney look worried. Whatever, Whitney's got some things on her mind these days. Twiggy tells Jaeda to get over her fear.
Brooke was a great fashion correspondent. Tyra says that Brooke is working the snake in her photo, and Matthew says that she nailed it. Tyra says that Brooke gave off a good homeboy kind of vibe as K-Fed, which causes Brooke to remind us that she can rap. The return of Farty G! Tyra asks Brooke to rap about the picture. For the love of God, make it stop.
Amanda was way too timid in her commentating, but the judges love her photo. Tyra says that it's the most convincing shot, and Miss J. agrees. Tyra says that Amanda has the sultry, relaxed energy of Demi Moore, and Nigel says that the photo proves she can be a true chameleon.
Eugena was a little Joan Rivers in her commentating, but Tyra notes that it's the kind of stuff that people sitting on the couch want to hear. When Eugena's photo comes up, Twiggy asks if Jay-Z is a pop star. Tyra tells her that Jay-Z is a rapper, and then starts cracking up. People do the exact same thing when Twiggy asks them if Tyra Banks is a talk-show host. Nigel says that Eugena looks like Beyoncé, but that her eyes could still have more life. Tyra tries to hypnotize the audience with her crazy Beyoncé eyes. Look away!
A.J.'s commentary was like bad public-access television. Her J. Lo and Marc Anthony photo is cheesy. An evil guy with a soul patch in the background is managing to steal the shot. Nigel says that A.J. has such a strong character of her own, and seems to be afraid that she's going to lose it. Twiggy says that it's a shame, because A.J. has given some fabulous photographs. A.J. looks like she could give two shits.
Then there is Michelle. Her commentating delivery was very staccato, and she lost points for mentioning Tyra's weave. Michelle's Ellen and Portia photo looks like love. Jay said that Michelle's Ellen was frighteningly good. Matthew says that Michelle's Ellen was great, and Tyra adds that her eyes are closed as Portia, but that she's still pretty.
Melrose is great all around. Twiggy cracks up at how good her Donald Trump photo is, and Tyra commends her regal portrayal of Melania. Whatever, she's good. You have to hand it to her. Even if she's still freaking me out as that freaky little Trump man.
Anchal knows that her commentary sucked. Tyra tells Anchal that she has two idols in her life. One is her mother, and one is Oprah. Anchal did Tyra proud with her Oprah. However, she looks like a damn freak as Stedman. Tyra quite correctly blames the hair and makeup people, and says that they should be shot. I think they should be forced to wear that wig out in public for a week. Tyra asks Anchal how it felt to portray such a powerful and inspiring woman as Oprah. Tyra should know. Anchal says that she tried to portray the confidence of Oprah, who spends a million dollars a week and flies to get doughnuts. The panel makes fun of Anchal, who is really kind of a dumb-ass and therefore deserves it.
The judges deliberate. Melrose is awesome, yes, we know. Eugena is so-so. Jaeda has no confidence. Caridee is extraordinary, according to Twiggy, and Matthew loves her too. Brooke's picture and commentary were strong. A.J. wants to do dark rather than glamour, says Tyra, but as a model you have to do everything. But, notes Twiggy, A.J.'s had some great photographs. Matthew thinks Amanda has potential. Michelle really got her shot. Matthew prefers Amanda, and Nigel prefers Michelle. Anchal is an insecure mess in person. And then the judges do a really hammy bit with doughnuts, and Tyra talks with her mouth full. I guess we should be surprised that she ever talks with her mouth empty.
There are nine girls, and eight photos. Brooke, Melrose, Amanda, Caridee, Michelle, Eugena, and Anchal are still in. This, of course, leaves three-times-a-loser Jaeda, and A.J. The judges aren't sure how much either girl cares. A.J. takes beautiful photographs, but doesn't seem to have the desire to model. A.J. kind of rolls her eyes at this. Jaeda hasn't had strong pictures, but hasn't shown the confidence and caring that overshadows them. She came in to Panel defeated and almost above the judging test. The competition is about caring and passion, says Tyra, but neither of the girls showed that. Except when one of them was Bobby Brown. Who woulda thought? So Jaeda gets another chance, and A.J. goes home. She tells Melrose that she realizes she has it, and should be nice. Has what? Crabs? A borderline personality disorder? What? A.J. says that Tyra eliminated her for the right reasons, and that she's glad that she gave up her spot if it's for a more deserving girl. She thinks she could have subconsciously sabotaged herself, but that what's done is done. It's a shame, that one. I thought A.J. was a contender. So did the nation, as A.J. was named Cover Girl of the Week! And she's not even a lesbian!
week: Eugena gets fed up with her housemates and starts talking trash. The girls apparently pose as vampires, and get all burlesque with Miss Dita Von Teese. Hey, boobies!