The new season opens with thirty-three young women arriving at LAX. (For those of you used to Potes and Janice Dickinson, "young women" means "bitches.") They are thrown into an instant photo shoot, and after having their breakfast ruined by the Aswirl Twins, they dive right into their interviews with Tyra and her J-licious cronies. Among the thirty-three are an Indian chick, a pair of twins, a girl abandoned by her mother when she was ten, another girl whose mother died on top of her in a plane crash (I know!), a mother of two with a husband in Iraq, and your usual assortment of beauty queens, strippers, Nubian princesses, and conservative preachers' daughters. A quick cut brings us down to twenty-one. The remaining contestants are given some hair extensions and makeup to apply to themselves in advance of their photo shoot. The twist, which they learn only after they make their makeup and hair choices, is that it will be a nude photo shoot. A couple of them freak out, but they all pose in the end (although Ginger only sits for two shots). And then the cut brings us down to thirteen. (And Ginger's not one of them -- you got naked for nothing, sister. I wonder how Jesus feels about that?) The second hour opens with the thirteen finalists being introduced to the designers of Elmer Ave. Thirteen male models strut their stuff, and the girls each have to pick a guy, strip him of his outfit, and make it her own. For most of them, that seems to mean leaving out the pants and walking the runway in their panties. A chick named Melrose is selected as the winner by the Elmer Ave guys, and then the contestants head out to the Top Model house in their ginormous planet-killing SUV. Monique becomes the girl who marks her territory when she pretends to pee on a bed in order to steal it from Eugena (as there are only eleven beds for thirteen contestants). And then we learn that while the girls are pretty (mostly), they're also pigs (mostly) as the house becomes an instant sty. The photo shoot involves the contestants depicting a variety of model stereotypes. Judging is pretty much the same as last season (with all the same judges, but slightly different prizes), and in the end it's the slightly boring Christian who gets sent home.
As the great Mr. Neil Diamond would say, hello, my friends, hello. It is time for another season of America's Top Model. And the show's writers still don't have health insurance. I'm just saying. If we get to episodes that have been written by filthy, filthy scabs, we might have to stop and assess the situation. But for now, let's go forth with these unpleasantries in the back of our minds as good, old-fashioned bitchery steps to the fore. Tally hos!
But first, a HUGE thank you and shout out goes to one Mr. LTG, who fielded an 11th hour request to write this episode recaplet for me. I was traveling in Mobile, Alabama, and as it turns out, Mobile has three (THREE!) CW stations, and the one in my hotel room was apparently dedicated to six-hour blocks of That '70s Show reruns. What's up with that, Mobile? In any case...it's time for the Top Model premiere!
HOUR THE FIRST
We begin, as usual (and, much like we middle and end) with Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. To be more specific, Tyra walking down the runway, Tyra in very large sunglasses, Tyra in many photos shot for ANTM, etc. Tyra voices over that being a supermodel has been one of the most amazing experiences of her life (would that it were the only experience of her life, and many crimes against entertainment had never occurred). She says that she has traveled all over the world, and modeled some of the hottest fashion designs. At this we end on Tyra dressed like a milkmaid who turns tricks at night in one of the Victoria's Secret fashion shows. But then again, don't we always. As we see clips of past contestants, Tyra tells us that she decided to pass the torch, like so many pox-infested blankets, and introduce some of the "freshest" and "most versatile" "beauties" to the industry that she "loves." She says, "And believe me, I know a top model when I see one." Then explain this. Thought we'd forget her if you left her out of the montage, did you Ty-Ty?
Tyra continues to lie that the Top Model finalists have "blasted" into success on the runway, in magazines, and on television. On "on television" we see a clip of Kim in Veronica Mars, which was totally a Season 5 challenge prize. This year, says Tyra, a scant thirty-three girls were selected from thousands of hopefuls, and the show's "experts" (Miss J., Mr. Jay, Nigel, and Twiggy) are going to be tougher than ever. They are also going to make it tougher than ever for us not to hate them, I am sure.
We get an abbreviated version of the opening credits, which simply read, "America's Top Model. Created by TYRA BANKS." Maybe soon they'll have a cut out of her head bobble across the screen every six seconds, just for emphasis.
Some frenetic music and quick-cut scenes take us to the fashion haven of Los Angeles. A giant sign reading "LAX" indicates that either we're at the airport, or that we should be prepared for the fact that Tyra has been a bit lax about adhering to her diet during the break.
The bitches roll in one by one. Jaeda, eighteen, from Parkersburg, Iowa, is excited, says that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and sometimes still thinks that this is a dream. You wish, Mister Sister. is Becky, twenty-one, from Sierra Village, California, which she says is a small town of only 180 people. No one wants this more than her, she says, so no one's going to get it. She laughs, and so do we, if we've seen the end of the first hour. is Evita, twenty, from Gloucester, Virginia, who has been high flying but not adored. She says that she's excited to be there, but also sad, because her kids are at home sick with the flu. We get a photo of two little kids, one an infant and the other one maybe two years old. The two-year old is cute, but the baby...well, looks like a baby. You know, all wrinkly and unable to hold its own head up and shit. Evita tells us that their daddy is not at home either, because he's in Iraq. Oooh, this probably rates at least a 7 on the Tyra Tragedy-O-Meter. Will it be enough to get Evita to the finals? Two kids plus a baby daddy in Iraq plus an incurable reproductive illness would have given her a 9 and made her a sure thing.
The girls head up an escalator, where Miss J. waits and tries to disguise himself by wearing a flight attendant's outfit and holding a sign over his face. Girl, please. CariDee, twenty-one, from Fargo, North Dakota interviews that, "Holy cow! She's so...he...whatever...is so tall!" My boss, who hasn't watched this show since Season 3, was asking me who was on Panel this year and didn't remember who Miss J. was. The only descriptor I could come up with was, "You know, the one who's half a tranny." Miss J. tells the girls that in the modeling business they have to be ready for anything, and so today they'll have their first photo shoot. Monique, nineteen, from Chicago, whom we will all grow to hate presently, says that she wanted to freshen up and get all cute and stuff. There is not enough freshener in the world, honey. Miss J. leads them through the airport and out into the parking lot, where they have to stand in front of a blue wall and give ten poses.
Becky poses first, and gets at least one good shot. A.J., twenty, from Sacramento, California, poses, and then tells us that she's never done any kind of professional modeling. She was, however, the subject of a psychology book titled Charlotte Light and Dark. Seriously, A.J. looks a whole lot like Rachel Griffiths. I enjoy Rachel Griffiths, though, so this gives A.J. a leg up in my book. The photo of her that we see looks good. Then there is someone named Christian, and then a long-haired brunette goes up to pose. This, we discover, is Melrose, twenty-three, from San Francisco. She says that the other girls seem really nervous and unsure of themselves, and at twenty-three she has the confidence and knows that she wants to do this. Fucking Melrose. That's all I'm going to say for now.
is square-jawed Jaslene, a poor man's Tatum O'Neal named Megg, and Evita. Then we have Ginger, eighteen, from Derby, Kansas, who says that it was intense, but she got up there and strutted her stuff. Then we get clips of Eugena and Brittany, followed by CariDee from Fargo, who says that she's really free-spirited and crazy and doesn't care what people think about her at all. She says that she does a lot of things that people normally wouldn't do. Caridon't, I say. Then there is LeAngela, who makes me want to change my name to LePotes. Then Anchal, nineteen, from Homestead, Florida, who wants to show America that she can be the first Indian chick to be America's Top Model. Anchal looks a lot like a cartoon character. Then there is the aforementioned Monique, and then Brooke, eighteen, from Keller, Texas. Brooke looks a lot like Season 4's Rebecca, but is a whole lot perkier and hopefully doesn't have those same vagus nerve issues.
The girls are shuttled to the Bel Age Hotel, which sounds a lot nicer than it looks. As the girls wait around, we are introduced to Amanda and Michelle, eighteen, from Anaheim, California. They are identical twins, and have a certain similarity to Season 2's Shandi. Read into that what you will. They have kind of funny twin banter. Amanda has the straighter hair. In response to another one of the girls, Amanda says that she knows Michelle better than the rest of them, so of course she wants her to be in the competition over everyone else. Michelle tells us that there aren't a lot of tall, thin, six-feet twin models. Megan, who we will meet later, says something to the effect that they're competing. Michelle says that they've always been compared and have basically competed against one another their whole lives. People, welcome to your final two. Michelle says that the ideal situation would be if they she and her twin sister both made it, and she won. She says it with a laugh, but still...I bet Ken Mok creamed his pants when he saw these two.
The girls go up on some sort of roof deck, and proclaim how beautiful it is as they eat fruit and drink orange juice. And then who emerges but the fucking Aswirl Twins. Thankfully, they really do not get to say anything this time, but rather just serve as the opening act for one Miss Tyra Banks. They were chosen for their ability to make her look taller and thinner, I think. Tyra does that same turntable turn that she did in one of the judging challenges last season. Jesus, find some new material. At the completion of her turn, Tyra does some sort of gymnast-esque arm move that looks ridiculously hilarious. Unintentional ridiculous hilarity is something of a motif for Tyra. The girls are all screaming and crying as if it were 1984 and they just spotted Boy George. Which, judging by the size of that wig, they kind of have. Tyra says that meeting the girls is her favorite part of Top Model. Well, we knew it wasn't making a statement in support of your striking writers! She is wearing black gloves; like, is she kidding? She tells the girls that she wants them to be real in their interviews, because she can see straight through the fake. Looking in the mirror must be a real adventure, then. (It should also be noted that upon the word "fake," the camera pauses on effing rock n' roll Megg.) Tyra tells the girls to be themselves, and if they're nervous, to tell her that they're nervous. They all scream and whoop and swirl together, and then Tyra leaves, and then they scream some more and fan themselves.
It is interview time. Tyra and the Jays sit behind the panel, and see Christian first. She's nineteen, from Columbia, South Carolina. She says that she's sad to see Tyra retire, but is ready to take her spot. Well, we'll see about that, young one. Jay asks Christian to make her favorite Tyra pose, and Christian's knowledge of the shots that Tyra has done for ANTM is impressive or frightening or pathetic, depending on how you look at it. Then again, I taught myself the "Take Me Home" dance routine from Cher's farewell concert, so who am I to judge. In any case, I think that Christian is pretty. Christian says that she needs somebody to step up and give her a chance. To fail. Done and done.
, CariDee (and I think that capital D is right, though I'm not entirely certain) comes stomping in, looking like a caribou and wearing a bride's garter belt. For reals, yinz guys. Her name is pronounced, "Carrie DEE," emphasis on the DEE, which makes me think that her real name is, in fact, Carolyn Dee Somethingorother. With Jay Manuel's prompting, Miss J. goes up to CariDee and removes the garter belt with his teeth as raunchy music plays. Maybe this is why so many people oppose gay marriage. Then Jay puts the garter belt on Tyra, and tells CariDee that he has one tip for her, which is, "Don't ever do that again." When Mr. Tangerine Man is telling you that you're tacky, it's really time to reassess. CariDee tells us that she was really nervous, especially coming from North Dakota...and I totally want to hate her, but then CariDee says, "The most famous person we have in North Dakota is Paul Bunyon...and he's dead." See, that's funny. Tyra tells CariDee that she looks like Rebecca Romijn. It's true. The tag line for this season should be, "The Poor Man's Version." CariDee also has a smokin' bod. She interviews that she's weird, kooky, high-strung and out there. She tries to drop it like it's hot on the way out, and Tyra asks, "What was that?" but laughs nonetheless. Secretly, I love CariDee.
is Anchal, who is very nervous. Jay asks why she chose to wear blue contacts, and Anchal says that she's always wanted lighter eyes. Tyra, now a veteran talk show hostess (even though she's better suited to be a veteran Denny's hostess) asks if there's something culturally telling her that a lighter eye is prettier. Anchal says that in India, people do believe that lighter skin and lighter eyes are prettier. She then tearfully says that she wants to beat that and says she doesn't have to have light-colored skin and light-colored eyes to be beautiful. I think the whole, "I'm so traumatized because of my dark skin and eyes" shtick is meant to draw attention away from the Louis Vuitton-sized bags under her eyes. I give her a 5 on the Tyra Tragedy-O-Meter. Tyra says that at least Anchal is aware, and adds that she knows that she, herself, is a slave with the giant wig on her head. She says the step is to wear a 'fro, and Miss J. says, "But you've done that." Flashback to ONE JUDGING in Cycle 3, in which Tyra apparently wears a 'fro wig. How subversive of her. What's really brave, though, is letting us see how young and thin she looked a mere four seasons ago! Anchal walks in her swimsuit and...she's a little on the thicker side through the midsection. Anchal says that she wants to make a difference, and go out there and be who she is. Tyra and Miss J. agree that Anchal is beautiful.
come the twins, yelling, "Were you guys looking for some twins?" They do a snap for Tyra. Michelle says that she is the tomboyish twin, and plays basketball in college. Okay, so Michelle's the dyke. To confirm, Miss J. says, "So that's when you came in touch with your masculine side." Amanda then asks when Miss J. came in touch with his feminine side, and he says, "At birth." Amanda interviews that the twins are different, and don't try to be the same. She adds that they don't try to be different either. Amanda looks a little like Meryl Streep sometimes. J. asks the girls to pose, and they inadvertently do the same thing. Michelle says to Amanda, "Why are you copying me, clone?" I think Michelle is also the funny one. The girls walk in their swimsuits, and are very skinny. Jay says that they look very different up close. Miss J. says that the closest they need to be to fashion is sitting in the back row and watching. I call one or both of them as the winner. I am usually wrong about these things, though. Commercials.
When we return, one girl -- whom we never actually meet but who I like by virtue of the fact that she is playing guitar -- sings with one of the twins a song about ANTM. They rhyme "seven" with "heaven." Original. Some other girls sing along. Then, Poor Man's Tatum O'Neal (who also, as one astute forum poster noted, looks a heck of a lot like Blossom) jumps around and yells, "My name is Megan...I love to rock and roll!"
We cut to "Megg" running like a freak into the interview room. Miss J. falls off his chair, and she goes, "Woo!" I get the feeling that Megg goes, "Woo!" a lot. Also, please note that she probably changed her name from Megan to Megg so as not to get mixed up with the other Megan. The extra "g" on Megg is for, "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, do I love to rock 'n roll!" Tyra asks why Megg is so happy, and Megg says that she feels so alive and "on top of that world." I don't know which world she's talking about, but it surely isn't ours. Tyra says that Megg describes herself as dark and intense. Megg says that the kind of music she listens to is dark and deep. She loves heavy metal and rock & roll. Heavy metal? Do people even say "heavy metal" anymore? Tyra tells her to rock & roll runway walk in her swimsuit. She slaps her own ass when she leaves the room. I don't know about Megg. Mr. Jay says that she has a sultry, hooded eye. Is that a double entendre? Miss J. says that when she came close, he saw a reason to say no. Tyra says that when Megg came close, she saw a reason to say yes. And that is to expose her for the rock & roll fraud that she is.
is Jaeda, eighteen, from Parkersburg, Iowa, who is the self-proclaimed "hot girl" at school. They like 'em manly in Parkersburg, I guess. Apparently the whole football team is hot for her. Miss J. asks if she ever got caught in a huddle. He is so tired. Tyra says that the hot girl on campus doesn't always translate into a model. Jaeda says that she thinks she's a hot girl who can model. Jaeda interviews that she didn't come here to sit and be quiet, she came here to be seen, and she only has a week to do it. Eh, the jury is out on Jaeda.
we once again meet Becky, who says in her audition tape that she's a small town girl with big dreams. Oh, gag. Becky's baby book said that when she was three-years-old she wanted to be a model. Becky's mom wanted her to raise pigs instead. Hey, works for me. But Becky wasn't going to give up. She's going, she says, to be America's Top Model. Tyra says that Becky is generally sweet, pretty, and nice, which can also be generally boring. In all fairness, Becky is pretty and has a great rack.
is The Dread Monique. She says to Panel that they need to pick her, because she deserves it. She deserves to win a reality show? Seriously? Why does she deserve it, asks Tyra. Monique starts to cry and says that she's been through so much in life. Out of all of her sisters, she's been the darkest one. I'm sorry, but that gets a 2 on the Tragedy-O-Meter. If she was left in a grocery store by her mother, Punky Brewster style, just because she's the darkest one, then she'd jump to an 8. Monique never thought she was beautiful. This must explain why she would enter a modeling competition. But whatever, Monique is in pain. Her sisters would call her "Blackula." Is it wrong that I laughed at that? Tyra says that a lot of girls from troubled backgrounds try to enter the entertainment industry because they want some kind of validation. I will validate that Monique is horrible. Monique wants big things out of life, and wants to go as far as her mind will take her. I don't know that she should particularly trust her mind as the vehicle to take her places. Tyra notes that this competition, and the modeling industry, will mean lots of criticism, which might bring traumatic flashbacks of feeling ugly. Monique walks in her swimsuit, which reminds Tyra of a swimsuit that she wore in a calendar. We see the shot that Tyra is talking about, but really the swimsuits look nothing alike. This moment has been brought to you by, "It's All About Tyra."
Meanwhile, the girls outside have a walk-off. Sadly, not a motherfucking walk-off. As the twins walk, fucking Melrose says that she really likes them, but thinks they need some serious grooming. Okay, she might have a point. Eugena, twenty-one, from Palmdale, California, says that being twins might be their "edge," but only one person can win. OR CAN THEY? I'm just saying. She wonders why they're holding onto each other so much. It's because they're actually CONJOINED TWINS! No, they're not. But wouldn't that be something? America's Two-Headed Model! Ken Mok would roll around in a two-person Jacuzzi tub full of $100 bills and Vaseline, he'd be so excited.
Speaking of Eugena, she works her way in front of Panel. Jay notes that her application says she didn't like last season of ANTM. Eugena, hands on hips, says emphatically, "They're boring." Eugena also says that the twins, whose names she does not know, are boring, and "that little rocker chick" -- a.k.a. Megg -- has only one side to her. Tyra asks Eugena what she's about, and Eugena says that she's straightforward. She is also all about the hideous neon green bikini. Eugena interviews that she talks behind people's backs, and that's just how women are. Girl, that's just how people are. I have no beef with talking behind people's backs. It's how an orderly society is maintained. Eugena still kind of sucks, though. Tyra asks Eugena if she thinks she is likeable, and Eugena says yes. Tyra then says, "Really? Because I don't think so." Oooh, burn! Eugena says that she's caring, and Tyra and the Jays just laugh at her.
is Brittany, nineteen, from San Rafael, California. She tap dances. This leads us into the freaky losers montage. Someone does a split. Someone runs around in circles. Someone sings. And then, there's Poor Man's Rebecca Slash Reese Witherspoon hybrid, Brooke, eighteen, from Keller, Texas. Brooke is apparently something of a rapper. To wit:
"Intelligent and classy, I got a cute little booty
Not only brains, I got the beauty
Confident, but I'm not cocky
I'm going to the top, don't you try and stop me."
So, one day I was at Ikea, and I came across a display with a light fixture that is called ""Fartyg." And I, being twelve, couldn't stop laughing and saying, "Farty G," which my girlfriend and I then decided would make an excellent name for a rapper. Thus, I give you Brooke, a.k.a. Farty G., because there are more than mad rhymes coming out of that cute little booty, if you know what I'm saying. It also pains me to say that I can't help but like Brooke. She's so spunky! Brooke says that she is giving up the end of her high school year to be there, because this is her dream. She says that you have to sacrifice for what you want, and she really wants this. Brooke is 5'7", and thus on the short side, but much like with Eva the Diva, Tyra thinks her personality might get her through.
is Megan, twenty-two, from San Francisco, California. Megan says that this is the first opportunity that has presented itself in terms of modeling. Well, then, she hasn't been trying very hard to be a model, has she? Tyra says that she knows Megan has had something very traumatic happen to her. Oh, here we go. Megan says that when she was nine she was in a plane crash. There was bad weather at takeoff, and the plane started rocking. The plane crashed in a big open field. Megan's mother died of hypothermia, but part of her body was on Megan, and that warmth was enough to keep Megan alive. Okay, that's a solid 11 on the Tragedy-O-Meter. Wow. Tyra asks if Megan feels that her mother is an angel for her, and Megan says that she was a wonderful, warm, and caring person. The whole incident opened her eyes to how quickly things can change in life, for better or for worse. She hopes to make it to the top.
is Evita, whose tale of woe and a husband in Iraq really pales in comparison to the aforementioned plane crash. Evita says that she wants this more than anything, and isn't going to let her dream go just because she has a family. Jay asks Evita when the last time she cut her hair was, and Evita just looks at him. She is awfully attached to her hair, I guess. Evita tells the other girls that she always wanted to have the all-American family -- the solider and the model and the two little kids. That is some kind of fucked up George W. Bush propaganda that's infiltrated her brain, right there. Evita needed to do this for herself, and this is an accomplishment for her. Eugena, who, we've already learned, has an opinion on everything, says that she doesn't think it's right for Evita to be there with her two little kids at home, especially when she has no chance in hell of being America's Top Model. I added that last part. Evita says that she isn't going to sacrifice watching her daughter "take her first crawl" or eat her first food for nothing. Don't cry for her, Argentina, because she'll be on a plane home to them in the half hour. Commercials.
And then, this....
"This is My Life. Hey, what's up everybody. It's Danielle. But in a city that moves this fast, it's just Dani."
Dani? Just Dani? Really? There's a bunch of crap about the stuff that she is allegedly doing, and then she ends with, "I may be a Cover Girl now, but I'm still the same Dani." She was never Dani to begin with! For some weird reason, this name change makes me furious. Okay, furious might be an overstatement. But I certainly don't like it!
When we return, it is time for A.J. Light and Dark. In her audition video, she says that she wants to show people what it's like to be different, because she's different..."real different." Tyra brings up the fact that A.J. survived cervical cancer. Wow! Okay, that's a 7.5 on the Tragedy-O-Meter. It would be higher if she cried about it instead of seeming so nonchalant. A.J. says that so many people have had it worse, but it was an emotionally difficult thing to go through. Tyra notes that cervical cancer is more common in women than people think, and A.J. statistic-izes that one in three sexually active women get the virus that causes cervical cancer. She is talking about HPV, and if you don't know anything about it, follow the link. For reals. Jay asks A.J. why she wants to be America's Top Model. A.J. says she wants to show people that you don't have to be the typical blonde beauty and voices over that recent events have shown her she can take anything that's thrown at her. Miss J. loves the way A.J. looks, and Tyra agrees that she could be a diamond in the rough.
And then, there is Cyndel, twenty, from Wichita, Kansas, who swirls her way in. Tyra asks Cyndel where she works. Cyndel says that she's an entertainer at a place called "Jezebels." Yeah, you know what that means, and so does Miss Tyra Banks. Cyndel interviews that she's an entertainer, not a stripper, and that there's a big difference. Dude, your name is Cyndel. Just own the fact that you're a stripper, already. Cyndel tells Panel that stripping is really just one more facet of the modeling industry. Seriously, you do not say that to Tyra Banks. Tyra gets that moralistic, self-righteous thing going on, and says that stripping is not a part of modeling. She says that she's not judging Cyndel (HA!) but reiterates that it's not a part of modeling. Okay, I agree. But it might be modeling's snaggletoothed, trailer-park resident second cousin. I'm just saying. Cyndel says that she hopes they don't get the wrong impression, and that the judges will love her. After she leaves, Tyra says with a mouthful of irony that she thinks Cyndel will be happy being a stripper, because it's the same as modeling. Hey everyone, do me a favor, and do a Google image search of Tyra Banks. I'm just saying. In any case, Cyndel's not making it to the round of anything.
, we have Jaslene, who says that every day is a fashion opportunity for her. She is wicked skinny, and also crazy. She goes through a number of poses from sexy lingerie to catalogue. Miss J. says that he doesn't think she looks drag, she just has a drag personality. They all wave a finger at her and say, "fiiiiiierce!" in unison.
Then, Fucking Melrose. Tyra notes that her real name is Melissa Rose. Melrose says that she doesn't need the "issa." It's a good thing Jane Siberry was around to snatch that up. Melrose says that people remember Melrose, as opposed to Melissa Rose, which sounds like a country singer. Hey, shut up about country singers, Melrose Place. Melrose says that she wants to show America what top models are, and what women who really want things are like. Stop giving the misogynists ammunition! Melrose says that she can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. Miss J. says he can see that she can be a complete bitch. Us, too, Miss J. Melrose loves high fashion and made a lot of the clothes that she is wearing. Jay asks her to name top fashion designers who are relevant to the industry now. She does know her stuff. Never fear, though, she still sucks.
is LeAngela, twenty-one, from Columbus, Ohio, who was the first African-American homecoming queen in her town. Tyra asks her to talk about her experience with her mother and being dropped off at Child Protective Services. The Tragedy-O-Meter is quivering in anticipation. LeAngela says that they were coming out of staying in a homeless shelter, and her mom dropped her off and never came back. LeAngela was ten-years-old. She had to stay in foster care for a few months, which was one of the worst experiences of her childhood. Does that mean that her mom came back for her or that she got adopted? Hmm. LeAngela says that she went from homeless to homecoming queen, which would be a great tag line for a movie starring Lindsay Lohan. LeAngela wants to take things to a higher level. Jay says that if LeAngela made it to the round of the competition, he thinks that she would get a big boost of confidence and take off. I give LeAngela an 8.5 on the Tragedy-O-Meter, which is still not enough to trump Megan's story of hypothermia.
there is Ginger, eighteen, whose sole purpose on earth is to annoy people, and who was a page for the House of Representatives for five months. She's a Republican, which you can tell immediately by her shifty eyes. Tyra notes that the fashion industry has gay boys and sex, and how will Ginger the Republican deal with it. Ginger says that she's not afraid to get out there and meet people and see what's different. Tyra says that Ginger is standing on the pulpit and is saying things she thinks are correct, but there is a girl under there that doesn't have this veneer. She asks who Ginger really is, and, as she tells them, Jay goes up and starts teasing Ginger's hair, and then Tyra tells her to shake her rack and drop it like it's hot. Ginger does. See what happens once you mention gay boys and sex to Republicans? They lose their minds.
And now it's time for the first cut, delivered by the Jays. Amanda says that it's very nerve-wracking, because they might move both she and her sister Michelle on to the round, or one of them, or neither. Well, I think she's successfully covered all of the options, there. The girls have to run into a salon behind them, in which there are twenty-one magazines with Tyra on the cover. Of course. In each is a photo tear shit of one girl, and these of course represent the girls who move on to the stage of the competition. The girls run in the erratic manner of a stampede of bitches. Moving on are: Christian, Amanda, Michelle, Megg, Jaslene, Jaeda, Monique, CariDee, Eugena, Megan, Becky, Brittany, LeAngela, Brooke, Ginger, Anchal, A.J., Melrose, and Evita. Wait, I must have missed two. I'm sure we'll figure out which ones eventually. Or maybe not, because that's how little they matter. The winners are all happy and screaming, and the losers have big tears. Cyndel says it's cool that she didn't make it, and wishes LeAngela luck. She's going to keep on loving herself and not let this be a downfall for her. She says she's not a sore loser. See, Cyndel does indeed have a heart of gold.
The Jays gather the girls who are moving on and say that they're throwing them right into work with a very important photo shoot. Ginger says that she loves taking photos and is stoked to get going with the part of the competition. Not so fast, little Republican friend. Jay says that there are makeup and hair extensions that the girls should avail themselves of. They have fifteen minutes to get ready. The hair pieces look crazily hideous, but those who used them will be glad. Because, you guessed it, they will be shooting Lady Godiva-style. Buck nekkid! The first reaction is, of course, from Ginger, who says that she thinks it's wrong to expose your private parts for people to see. She says she can't do it. This is why you never see a naked Republicans calendar for charity. Commercials.
Actually, rather than commercials proper, we get a fashion week review and style tips courtesy of The CW. And you, Mr. Style Tipper Ashley Javier, are no Jay Manuel. And I mean, thank God, because do we really need two? Nevertheless, get some real advertisers, The CW.
When we return, Becky, the pig-farmer, is crying. She says that she's a good girl from a small town, and it's hard for her to know that she's going to get nekkid to fulfill her dreams, but go home and have so many people be mad at her. I don't know why any of these girls would think Season 7 would get a naked bye. They must watch the show. Jay tells them that it's important to understand that nudity in a shot can be very classic, and there's a fine line between sleazy versus sexy, and flashy versus trashy. He does not mention which side of the line they'll be on today, what with their synthetic hair pieces and all.
The photographer for the shoot is named Brian. The girls strip down, and some actually lube themselves up with baby oil. That is gross. Michelle, the funny twin (and, I would say, the slightly better looking one), says to Amanda, "Twin, take off your pants...for moral support." Amanda says, "As if the twenty girls around you aren't support enough." You know who needs that support: Anchal. Anchal is stacked, man.
Jay goes up to Ginger, who says that she can't do it. Jay tells her that it will affect her standing in the competition. Melrose tells us that Ginger can't even get naked in front of herself, so there's no way she's going to do it in front of a group of people, and on a rooftop no less. Seriously, Ginger probably showers in long underwear. I wish Janice Dickinson was there to scream, "Drop trou!" and beat Ginger into submission and/or force her to walk out. Or at the very least make her cry and give her nightmares.
Brooke is the first to pose. And I have to take my hat off to the girls who got naked without any hullabaloo. They have both balls and common sense. Brooke says that there's a ferocity in her eyes, which she thinks will come out as a really intense picture. Monique is really excited to see her pictures. Becky says that she's scared out of her mind, and Evita replies that if anyone is scared it should be her, what with her two young tots at home. But in fact, Evita does not appear to be scared whatsoever as she slithers around nakedly. Her long-ass hair really comes in handy. Then there's Jaeda. And then Megan, who says she wasn't as scared as she thought she'd be. Eugena, being the hot girl on campus and thus used to public nudity, has no problem. Becky notes that Eugena has a long-ass wig to cover her boobs, and then says, "What's going to cover my boobs?" Moral indignation, perhaps? I hear it has an subtle pixilation effect.
Becky tells the others that just because she's not comfortable getting naked, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want it more than anyone else there. Secretly, though, it kind of does. Becky says she wasn't raised like that, and Jaslene continues to give her shit. Becky finally says that she's going to do it, she just hopes she has a place to go home to. Dude, you're twenty-one. Move out of the pig farm and grow a pair. The photographer tells her that if she's comfortable and confident, it will be almost like she has clothes on. Yeah, almost. The others watch as Becky gets to it on the slippery podium. She looks good. They all give her a big cheer, and she says that she feels better now that she did it, and thinks she did really well. We'll see about that.
Megg is and has to throw in a stupid rocker pose. Then there's CariDee, who put a weird black extension amidst her blonde hair. She looks insane, but is actually quite sensible when she says that as a model you can't be sheltered. Twin Amanda is , and Michelle says that she's the brave twin when it comes to "these sorts of...naked experiences." I love Michelle! Amanda says that it's really slippery on the podium. Gross. Michelle goes, then LeAngela, and then A.J., who says she has no ideas. Christian is , and says that they are shooting a tasteful nude photo that glorifies the human body, and she has no problem with that. It glorifies the human desire for good ratings, at the very least. And then Ginger hems and haws and refuses to do it. Jaslene doesn't want to hear it. She poses and, man, does she look like a drag queen. Then there is Melrose and Brittany and Anchal. And then, back to Ginger. Brian the photographer says that they can make sure she's covered, or have someone go up there with her, or whatever makes her feel comfortable. Finally, Ginger poses for two pictures and refuses to do anymore. She tells us that she's going to stick to her morals and standards no matter what. Once you're up there and already naked, just go for it, you skank. Becky is of course pissed, and says that it's not fair that she only took two photos and should be automatically eliminated. Why can't they ever get a cool Republican? I'm sure there are some out there, right? Ponder that thought over commercials.
When we return, Tyra and the Jays deliberate. Jay says that Megg was not his favorite, and Tyra notes her faux-rocker mannerisms. However, Jay notes that she does look like a model in her photos. Jay loves LeAngela's airport shot, but her nude photo isn't so great. Megan told a very powerful story (and had the highest rating on the Tragedy-O-Meter!) and Jay thinks that she can handle the modeling business. However, he's a little nervous about her proportions. Miss J. notes that CariDee is ready to give 199%. Tyra wonders what's up with her hair in the nude pic. Miss J. thinks that Eugena is eugenius up close. Tyra says that when she's wrong she doesn't look like a model at all, but when she's right she's great. Miss J. is a fan of Fucking Melrose, and Tyra says that she reminds her of the girls from the late '80s. Apparently, in this era of leggings and skinny jeans, this is a good thing. Jay loves the fact that Christian knows all the Tyra Banks poses, but doesn't see a neck in her nude shot. Tap-dancing Brittany...can tap dance. Jay calls Jaslene Cha Cha DiGregorio, which is totally on and hilarious. Miss J. says that Jaslene's a bit hard. Tyra loves Ginger's face, but her unwillingness to cooperate is a problem. Evita looks vacant, but Tyra thinks she has an amazing and beautiful Native American look. Miss J. sees a great canvas with A.J. Tyra notes that her skin looks alabaster and luminescent in the nude shot, but her face is off. It's true. Jay says that Anchal looks like a Miss World pageant winner, and he doesn't think she's a model. Tyra says that when she looks at Anchal it scares her how pretty she is.
Jaeda is a straight-up man, according to the Jays, who would know, but Tyra argues that masculine women photograph well. Becky is safe, but there's something in her eye that says, "Don't sleep," according to Tyra. It says, "Don't sleep or I will smother you with a three-hundred-pound pig, you naked heathen." Brooke is a mess with her fake hair, and Jay notes that a lot of girls don't know how to style themselves when they start out. This somehow evolves into an excuse to mention Tyra's mom and flash a photo of her on the screen. Jay thinks that Brooke has something, and Tyra says that she raps, so has some flavor to savor. Jay says that Monique is the type of girl who could book cosmetic campaigns, high fashion editorials, and liquor. Even Tyra has to laugh at that. Tyra loves Amanda's energy and sex appeal. Jay says that she would be comfortable to work with. Tyra thinks that Michelle has the plain Jane model thing. Jay says that if he had to choose one, it would be Amanda. If Tyra had to choose one, it would be Michelle. If Miss J. had to pick one, it would be neither.
And now, it is time for Tyra to announce the thirteen finalists. It is evening, on the same roof deck where the girls posed all naked-like. Tyra begins to call names. There is Melrose, Jaeda, and Michelle, who is really, really surprised. Then there is Eugena and Brooke, who yells, "I've got a lot of personality you just can't bottle, here I am girls, I'm on America's Top Model." Can it with the rhymes, Nipsy Russell. Have I noted that there are a lot of quick reaction shots to a worried looking Amanda and Michelle? Because there are. there is Anchal, A.J., Christian and Megg. On Megg, Megan gives a little fisheye. Then Megan herself gets called, followed by CariDee. And then, at long last, there is Amanda. No one really claps for Amanda. Only one name is left. The last girl to join the herd of bitches is...Monique. She was just too heinous to be left behind. Monique cries that she's never been picked for anything, and Tyra goes on about how all the dark sisters are now looking up to her and thinking that they're beautiful too. As a dark sister, I concur.
As the winners scream and whoop, Tyra comforts the losers. Evita says that she sacrificed way more compared to the other girls. Well, if you hadn't got yourself knocked up in high school, you wouldn't have had to. She put her life on hold, blah blah blah. Ginger is partly sad that she didn't get to stay. Jaslene says that she's not giving up, and is coming back. Great.
Once the already-forgotten losers are out of the way, the thirteen finalists twirl and pose. Megg screams, "America's Top Model, hells yeah baby!" I wonder if I can somehow program my TV to recognize Megg and auto-mute. And with that, we prepare to move on to hour deux. Everyone take a pee break, and try to avoid Perez Hilton commentating on fashion week celeb gossip for The CW. Seriously, people, pee for a long time if you know what's good for you.
HOUR THE SECOND
We are in Hollywood. Wooo! The girls walk down Hollywood Boulevard and admire the walk of fame where they will never find their names. Christian says that being so close to her icon, Tyra, was just like touching her dream. My dreams usually aren't quite so jiggly. The girls meet Miss J. at a place called Arena Cafe. He points out a big runway and says that they're going to get a chance to strut their stuff. He then calls out the designers for the day, who are the four guys from Elmer Ave Those guys get around. The designers then call out a whole bunch of male models wearing their clothing line. Each girl is instructed to pick one guy, take his outfit, and feminize it to the best of their abilities. The one Elmer Ave guy tells them to remember that Elmer Ave is all about rock & roll. You know, if you really want to be rock & roll, rather than putting on a kicky horizontal-striped suit jacket, I suggest that you pick up a freaking guitar. God. The girls each run and pick a model to undress. Jaeda notes that she wanted the first guy who came out, because he was really hot. Melrose interviews that the other girls were looking at the men, but she had an eye for which outfit was going to fit. There is lots of undressing of men, and undressing and redressing of the girls. Megg says that she thought her rock & roll style would give her an advantage, because that's what she's so used to. I forgive her for being such a poser, only because she's eighteen.
It is time for the girls to walk the runway in their feminized boys' outfits. Several of them take the approach of putting a jacket on over their bras. Anchal tells us that she was nervous as soon as she walked on the stage. All she has to work on, she tells us, is her confidence and her body. Brooke looks crazy and way too intense in the face when she walks. CariDee looks hot. Christian says that runway has always been her forte, and she rules the runway. Indeed, she is motorin'. Yeaaaaaaaaaah. Motorin'. Jaeda takes the novel approach of only wearing a man's button down shirt, unbuttoned to her hoo-ha, and gives us the first pixilated nipple of hour two. Megg wears the ugliest outfit whatsoever, and then whips her hair around at the end of the runway. Rock & roll, indeed. Melrose says that she was all confidence when she hit the stage, and wants to have total sex appeal and sell the outfit. Even though she makes that pinky and pointer rock & roll sign at the end of the runway and sticks her tongue out, I have to admit that she looks pretty good. Michelle is really gangly and uncomfortable looking. Monique says that she believes that she has what it takes, because she's been through things in life that should have broken her. Hey, Monique, talk to the girl whose mom died lying on top of her and then get back to me.
The Elmer Ave guys applaud, and then one of them gives the girls a very rock & roll, "Smashing!" Some of the girls were excellent, and some missed the mark a bit. But in the end, it is Melrose who wins. The other models fake-clap for her. The greasiest of the Elmer Ave guys says that she'll receive a great prize that will be revealed to her later. Melrose thinks she's the best, as usual.
The girls go outside and discover a stretch Escalade limousine. It's bad enough that Top Model kills our brain cells. I don't know why it can't leave our precious flora and fauna alone. The girls squeal quite a bit when the enter the limo and see about forty pictures of Tyra, as well as other Top Model regalia. Christian says, "This is how Christian is supposed to be treated. Like a queen." Entitled and refers to herself in the third person! Smashing. The girls discover Tyra Mail amongst the gas guzzling. "We've all got issues. Step into my world to experience some of mine." Don't tell me their house is going to have a BBQ and cellulite and delusions of being Oprah room! The Tyra Mail ends with, "Your subscription has just arrived."
And, indeed, the girls are going to their Brentwood home. As has become increasingly typical, the house is amazing. Bitches. The house is also decked out with giant photos of Tyra on the cover of Tyra Magazine. Awww! Tyra has a fake magazine to go with her fake talk show! Brooke says that when she saw the giant photo of Tyra she thought, "Uh...I've made it." The editors cut her before she finishes with, "Into the first circle of hell." The girls squeal and scream and run through their pimped-out pad, which may or may not have bedding courtesy of either Target or Ikea. Jaeda says that there are pictures of Tyra everywhere, and Megan also notes that there's a Tyra Magazine theme throughout the whole house. This is, of course, just an excuse to show us all of the giant photos of Tyra.
Tyra voices over her "letter from the editor" that is posted on the wall. It goes a little something like this: "Welcome to Tyra, the magazine dedicated to all you aspiring divas, billboard beauties, and runway show stoppers who might need a tip or two now that you've got one stiletto in the door of the international fashion biz. I created this publication for the fashion muses of tomorrow who aren't afraid to go after their dreams today. Best of luck, and remember, readers -- if you have issues with an issue, don't just sit there. Tell me about it! In the confessional. XOXO, Tyra." What she doesn't voice over, but which you can see if you pause just right on the shot of the letter, is this chunk from the middle: "I am going to be offering advice on how to get swept up in the fabulous world of fashion without getting swept away by it. Whether it's a serious health-and-diet topic like, 'Starving Ain't Cute, So Don't Do It!' or a light-hearted lesson in 'Fashion Don'ts: Why Black Lipliner Is Not Your Friend,' I'll be here with you along this wild, glitter-drenched evil [that part might not be right, it's hard to see] ride that will end with one of you becoming America's Top Model." I think, "A wild, glitter-drenched evil ride" should be Top Model's new tag line. Some of the girls run out to the pool, where A.J. strips down to her underwear and jumps in. Wild, glitter-drenched, evil. Just like the letter said!
Meanwhile, Brooke tells us that there were eleven beds for thirteen girls. Oooh, that is harsh. She says that Monique and Christian were the unfortunate losers in the bed situation. It appears that they will have to sleep on big bean bags. Monique says that she is not sleeping on any damn bean bags. So, she says, "I politely moved [Eugena's] stuff, and marked my territory." She does this by pouring bottled water on the bed. Monique interviews that she deserved a bed (and what doesn't she deserve, really) and so was going to fight for it. She sprawls out on Eugena's bed. Eugena comes in the room and says, "Get off my bed, Monique." She then asks why the bed is so wet. Monique, who appears to be holding a giant "magic wand" -- not that I know what that is, mom -- in her hand, says that she decided to pee on the bed today. She must expect people to believe that she moved crab-like side to side while doing so, because there are two kidney-shaped spots about a foot apart. I don't think that Eugena believes the pee story, because she actually touches the wet spots. Some of the other girls stand around and watch, but no one really knows what to do in the face of such brazen bitchfacery. Commercials.
Newly-monikered "Dani" gets a special necklace designed for Cover Girl, and you too can log into a sweepstakes to get one. Thrilling!
When we return, Eugena says that Monique thinks she owns everything, and that she was a punk not to tell Eugena to her face that she was going to take her bed. Eugena wanted to fight her. Meanwhile, Monique interviews that she doesn't care; she's going to have a bed. She doesn't care if the others call her a diva, because they can all bite her. And, if I may add, risk a mouthful of vinegar. In any case, Eugena seems to have submitted and is lying on the bean bag. Not so smashing, if you ask me.
In any case, it's time for dinner. Melrose, as is her custom, is grating cheese. Christian tells us that Melrose is trying to be the mom of the house, which the others aren't feeling. Melrose tells the girls that she'll make dinner for them, but she's not cleaning the dishes. And that's sort-of fair, but since Melrose is involved I'm sure that there's an asshat-ish edge to the situation. Anchal says that Melrose took it upon herself to start cooking and telling other people what to do. Anchal finds this ridiculous, and says that Melrose is not her mother. Stop. I don't know if my frail heart can handle the drama.
The morning, there is a huge mess in the kitchen, and a dishwasher full of bubbles. The garbage is overflowing. It's nasty. Anchal also apparently left the tub all gross. Melrose calls a house meeting and decries the narsty kitchen. She asks the others to clean up after themselves in common spaces. She then tries to make a shower schedule, asking who likes to shower at night versus in the morning. A.J. sensibly suggests that everyone just tries to keep their showers relatively short. Fucking Monique pipes in that she can't commit to that, because she knows she can't take a twenty-minute shower. A.J. says that she takes hour-long showers at home, but has the presence of mind to be considerate when living with twelve other people. Monique says that that's who she is, and she doesn't care where she's living, she's going to take an hour-long shower. You know, I think she just told herself that it was her darker skin that made her family like her less, when really it was her rancid personality. Amanda says that she doesn't care for Monique and her inflexible ways. Melrose asks her to do what she has to do, while being respectful of the rest of them. Monique says she can't do that. Anchal interviews that Monique is kookoo, and that there's something wrong with her. True dat, Anchal. The bitch ain't right.
Meanwhile, there is Tyra Mail, which is now fashioned like one of those pull-out subscription cards from a magazine. Clever. Melrose discovers it and brings it out to the rest of the girls, who are in the hot tub. It reads, "People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug addicted bitches. Are YOU????" The funny part is that there's a big checkmarked box on the card that says, "YES!" Ha! I bet Janice Dickinson filled that one out. Melrose thinks that they're doing a shoot tomorrow. Anchal says that she knows she's not anorexic because she can't stop eating. You and me both, sister.
The day, the girls head to a lovely house, out of which emerges a monster dressed as Tyra, or vice versa. Tyra screams in a French accent (?!?!) and asks where the photographer is, and who these young bitches are. I watched this part with my boss, who said, "Tyra Banks has no business trying to act." Tyra screams that she is the only supermodel in the world, and is almost thirty-five, and doesn't like young bitches." Christian conjectures that Tyra's gone off some meds. Maybe that explains the weight gain. Tyra runs around and screams some more, and frankly it's really embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch. What they should have done is just invited Janice to come, and not told her anything about the shoot or what she was supposed to do, and just let her interact with the girls. Or just showed some old footage of her. Tyra screams that she's leaving the set and isn't coming back until the prepubescent bitches are gone. And then the greatest thing happens and she totally trips and falls on her face. The girls all laugh, perhaps because they think it's part of the act, or perhaps just because it's funny when people fall. It would have been better if her wig flew off. Tyra screams her way off the set. Jesus.
Jay Manuel comes out in a blue, white, and orange jacket to restore order to the situation and tell the girls that that wasn't the real Tyra Banks. She was merely portraying the crazy diva model stereotype. Wow, but it seemed so real. Jay says that today they're going to do the most controversial shoot they've ever done on America's Top Model. Oh, my God, you guys...maybe they'll do something where they actually look...gasp!...pretty and have subtle styling? It's either that, or a very realistic depiction of the love between a young girl and her donkey. We'll find out after the commercials.
When we return, Jay says that they're going to be doing a shoot in which they each convey model stereotypes. I'm sure you read about the controversy that this shoot caused in the papers on Thursday. Thrill. Jay tells A.J. that she's going to be the "casting couch" model. Way to give that to the girl who got a sexually-contracted disease that caused her cervical cancer, asshole. Amanda will be anorexic, CariDee will be the dumb blonde, Brooke will be the backstabbing bitch, Christian will be a model-turned-actress, Eugena will be the black girl that the industry is trying to turn white, Megan will be the diva with a lapdog, Michelle will be bulimic, Jaeda is a plastic surgery victim, Megg is the drunk drug-addict, Anchal is the narcissist, and Monique is going to be throwing a cell phone at her assistant. What about the model who gained thirty pounds and retired only to become the worst talk show host the world has ever seen, Carnie Wilson excepted? Who's going to be that stereotype? And finally, fucking Melrose will be the model who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. She says, "You read me right, baby." Jay tells Melrose that, since she won the challenge, she will get to be a diva for the day. She'll get a personal assistant, a massage, and other pampering. She's psyched. The photographers for the day are Oliver Bronson and Dylan Don, who apparently just flew in from Europe.
The girls get made up. Melrose meets Linday, her personal assistant for the day. Linday looks to be about twelve. Monique goes first, and is typically wooden and ridiculous with her phone throwing. How sad that I know she's typically anything just in the first episode. Jay tells her to give him some variety, because she's too two-dimensional. He says that she's not rising to the occasion, and then yells, "Bitch! Dumb-ass!" at her. Hey, that's my job! Monique admits that she might have to work on her acting skills. is CariDee, who is really into her role as a dumb blonde. Her hair looks ridiculous, and does her a disservice. Jay yells, "Gorgeous! Genius!" and eventually tells her that she looks too Lucille Ball and zany. Still, it seems like she does a good job. Megg is , and Jay tells her to give him the strung-out look. Rock & roll! Megg says that it's a stereotype but isn't true...all the time. Jay instructs her to look like a big blob, which seems to come very naturally to her. is Eugena, and Jay tells her to get rid of her gum. She says she has it because white girls smack gum all the time. We do not! But we are terrible dancers. Eugena has long blonde extensions. She says that she thinks that the fashion industry should portray African-Americans the way they are in everyday life, but that never happens. True, unless you are talking about Monique and the way she is in everyday life. Nobody needs to see that.
up is Megan, who gets to pose with a tiny dog somewhat improbably, due to its tininess, named Tyra Banks. Jay seems to love what Megan is doing, and he also loves the cute little dog. Anchal is , posing in front of a bunch of mirrors, and Jay explains to her what a narcissist is. Jay says that he wants her to be dripping on the floor sexy. Anchal says this is hard, because she never thinks herself as beautiful. Which is perhaps, why she chose to enter a modeling competition. is Christian. Jay tells her to be her, and not Tyra-lite. Christian gives Jay the same pose, shot after shot, and he tells us that she has trouble being anything but a broke-down Tyra Banks. Brooke gets to be a backstabbing bitch, which she says is her complete polar opposite. Nonetheless, it was fun to play a bitch for a day. Her makeup is atrocious, and really overwhelms her face.
Casting Couch A.J. is . Jay says that she was completely uninhibited and really looked like a model. She has to pose with a gross fat guy. She looks really great, kind of like Brenda did when she was in her sex-addict phase. , Jaeda is the plastic surgery addict. She has to lay on a table, which probably limits a person's posing, in all fairness. She only gives Jay one face, which is never a good thing. , Michelle tells us that a year ago she was pretty pessimistic about modeling and only went along with it because Amanda was so into it, and wanted to take advantage of the twin thing. But now Michelle is a lot more into it as well. We see Michelle pose as the bulimic model in a bathroom stall, and she does look creepily awesome, and a whole lot like Fiona Apple. She gets raves from Jay. Anorexic Amanda is , and Jay says that she doesn't understand how to use her body. He tells her to spend a little mirror time.
Meanwhile, Melrose is getting massaged when it's her time to shoot. Jay says that some of the diva-for-a-day perks went to Melrose's head, and she was ten minutes late to the set. Melrose says that she got a massage with her makeup done, and thus had to get it touched up. She actually kind of sasses the makeup artist, saying that her lipstick looks crooked. He asks if she should be the narcissist and tells her that it looks fine.
When Melrose finally shows up, Jay asks her what the deal is and notes that he's been waiting for her. She says, "Oh, honey, I've been ready for, like, six hours...." Oh, Melrose. Jay is not feeling her attitude and tells her not to slow up the shoots. Melrose interviews that she was so sorry, and didn't want to break down and cry, so shut herself off. Melrose, scoffing at a check for $9,999, looks ridiculous. Jay says that he wants horrified, not bad acting. Melrose would not give Jay the sense of vulnerability that he wanted. She looks so stupid. Melrose says that she could feel that the whole room was disappointed in her. Sweetie, I don't think the whole room cares that much. She rushes off to the bathroom crying and says that she feels like she's going from being the best to being the worst. We hear crying sounds and/or throwing up through the bathroom door. So much for the confidence and wisdom of her twenty-three years.
The girls return home to Tyra Mail. Someone is going home tomorrow. Fucking Melrose, who is actually wearing a raspberry beret, says that performance-wise, she struggled at the shoot. She got a big kick in the ass. Will she get an even bigger one, and get kicked all the hell way back to deluded bitch-land? Time will tell, my friends. Commercials.
When we return, it is time for someone's dream to be crushed. Yes! Tyra stands looking solemn, in a 1940's pinup inspired leopard-print halter dress. We'll just call her Sweatie Page. She asks the girls how it feels to be in the judging room for the first time. They all answer, "Crazy." I'll say. Tyra announces the prizes for this cycle. The first is a contract with Elite Model Management. Tyra says in this really hilarious way that I can't describe accurately, "I was with Elite Models for A COUPLE OF YEARS." Oooh, a couple of years! Smashing. The prize is the cover of Seventeen as well as a six-page spread inside. They recruited Seventeen as a sponsor purely so Tyra could tell us how it was her first major modeling job, and show us a picture of a prepubescent her on a pink scooter. She really was skinny back then. The last prize is a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. Also, there are judges. They are, as usual, Nigel Barker, J. Alexander, and Twiggy. There appears to be no stupid judging challenge for the week. Huzzah!
The girls have their photo evaluations. Nigel thinks that Megan owns her diva model photograph, and that it's a great first photo. Tyra points out that the close-up, however, isn't so great. She notes that Megan gets a little bit of the pig nose. It's true. Megan takes it all in stride. Monique is . Miss J. asks why a white girl can't throw the phone. We're too busy smacking gum. Twiggy thinks that Monique needs to be more in the forefront of the photo, because the assistant really stands out. Nigel says that it looks just crazy. Tyra tells her that her face needs to be angry as well as attractive. is CariDee. Tyra says that she was very proud of CariDee -- she gave stupid, clueless, idiot -- all kinds of dumb. Tyra then pretends to act dumb, and it is once again horrible and embarrassing. Just be your normal self and the dumb will shine through, Tyra. She says that CariDee already has the personality, noting that some of the other girls have the model thing down but are dead personality-wise. That must make them feel great. She tells CariDee to pull back a little bit and focus on the beauty.
Anchal is . Tyra tells her to take her hair down to make herself look more like a model. She says that Anchal is one of the most beautiful women that she's seen in a long time, but it's the type of beauty that is almost too pretty. Anchal has to fight against her beauty so that she's not Miss World, but rather Miss Top Model. Tyra asks Anchal how she feels looking at herself with dark eyes in the photo. Anchal says that she feels free, and that she thinks she was hiding behind them. She starts crying, which is smart, as it guarantees that she will stay. Tyra asks Nigel, "being Indian," to respond to that. I thought Nigel was Sri Lankan. Eh, close enough, I guess. Nigel gives some spiel to the effect of how we're all different and beautiful. Blah blah blah, stop singing kumbaya and get back to cutting the bitches apart, I say.
is Megg, who is dressed in a very rock & roll blue knee-length jersey dress. Tyra tramps it up a little for Megg so she looks more like a model. Miss J. says that Megg looks busted in her photo, but a great busted. Tyra says that the shot that's up doesn't bother her, but her face tends to look flat in photos. Twiggy says that they need to see Megg's eyes. Tyra says that Megg's model face is beautiful, but she has to be really conscious of it or go home. is Amanda, whose anorexic photo is great and gets raves all around. Tyra says that this was the only shot that worked. She says that she knows that, compared to Michelle, modeling is Amanda's true dream. Tyra says that she knows that Amanda wants this, and has more ability than some of the girls behind her, but it looks like she got nervous. Amanda says that everyone was watching her, and Tyra says that in that situation, a bitch really needs to turn it out. is Michelle, whose photo is scary yet amazing. Panel seems to like it.
Then, there is Melrose, whose black velvet blazer and hair make her look old. Tyra helps her clean up and says that she shaved eight years off. No fifteen-year-old I know looks quite that haggard. Nigel says that Melrose could show more emotion, and that she photographs looking old, even with retouching. Tyra reads Jay's comments from the shoot, which note that Melrose was late, and also had a bit of the 'tude. Nigel says that everyone knows he hates girls who are late to his set, which gives the rare opportunity for a flashback to Jenascia. Melrose apologizes and says that it won't happen again.
, it's time for Brooke, whose pretty delicate face is lost, according to Nigel. Tyra tells her that she needs to figure out how to make an ugly, pretty face. Nigel says that it's something she can practice, but one thing they don't have is a lot of time. is Eugena. Nigel likes the shot, but Twiggy thinks it's bland. Tyra says that Eugena has one of the strongest faces there, so to see her just sitting on it is frustrating. Eugena is sitting on her own face? She should teach a class on that at her local community college.
Then, there is A.J. Light and Dark. Tyra says that she can usually feel a girl's desire when she walks before Panel, but she isn't getting that from A.J. A.J. says that she has low confidence, because she doesn't look like the other girls and has a different thing going on. Oh, A.J., this is entirely the wrong time to fabricate a sob story! Especially one that is at best a 3 on the Tragedy-O-Meter. Nigel points out that tens of thousands of girls tried out for ANTM, and A.J. made it to the final thirteen. She mumbles, "I don't know why." Nigel continues, "So that for some reason breeds insecurity?" Brenda Chenowith would have been a lot more strategic. Nigel asks if she thinks the face in her photo is pretty. A.J. says that it's okay, and Nigel says that he's got news for her: it's one of the best faces they've seen so far. Really, she looks great. Miss J. tells her to try to find her neck, and A.J. says something about how they kept pushing up her collar. Tyra says that A.J. is full of excuses, and demonstrates how to find your neck, even behind a sheet of 8 1/2 x 11 paper. Smashing!
Christian is , and also needs a lesson in model grooming. Her photo doesn't work for Twiggy, and Christian notes that she didn't really understand the concept. Tyra demonstrates bad acting for the third time in the episode, though the first when it's deliberate. She notes that Jay was frustrated that Christian kept giving him the same face. When Jaeda approaches, Tyra asks if it's chilly in the room. At first I thought that Tyra was noting that Jaeda was a tit nipply, but she actually wants her to take off her suburban mom-like jacket. Nigel tells Jaeda that she needs to work on bringing out her femininity. Tyra says that all of her shots looked the same. Miss J. suggests bringing in some more facial expressions. Wow, I wish I had thought of that. Commercials.
When we return, the judges deliberate. Twiggy was excited about A.J. and liked her photograph. Tyra says that she didn't realize at casting that A.J. had such a confidence crisis, and Twiggy notes that this whole process might be hard for a confidence-impaired lass. Jaeda has a masculine look, according to Nigel, and Miss J. agrees that she's dragalicious. So much for the hot girl on campus shtick, huh? Eugena has got what it takes, but isn't working it. Amanda's photograph is one of Twiggy's favorites. Nigel says that between Amanda and Michelle, Michelle has the look and confidence, while Amanda has an edgy side. Because he's an expert on everything today, Nigel notes that his wife is a model and an identical twin, and the two of them are constantly up against one another. If you have a competitive edge, it could destroy you. Yay for stuff to look forward to! Also, Nigel's wife is hot.
Twiggy is worried that you can't see Megg's eyes in her photographs, but Nigel says that he thinks she's one of the most attractive girls there when she opens her eyes. Really? Tyra loves that Anchal is getting closer to feeling beautiful. Tyra says something about them all knowing, as people of color, how difficult it can be to love yourself, even though that is, in fact, the greatest love of all. Twiggy is all, "Jolly-o, then!" No one says a word about Anchal's photo, which I actually think is quite good. Miss J. and Twiggy both think Christian is boring. That's what you get when you model yourself on Tyra Banks. Brooke has a great personality, but her photo is mediocre slash ugly. Twiggy likes Megan, even though she doesn't particularly like her photo. She notes that Megan is a bit like Season 5's Kim, and Tyra notes that Megan is softer. But also, if After Ellen can be believed, a lesbian. Nigel says that CariDee got one of the easiest photos, and adds that dumb blonde is resting on easy for CariDee. I think he just called CariDee dumb. Miss J. loves Monique. Twiggy thinks she has a great body and is very interesting and very beautiful. Melrose, according to Miss J., looks a little long in the tooth, but he believes they can young her up. Tyra is disappointed in Melrose's on-set behavior, and gives this helpful advice, "If you a bitch...hide it!" Indeed.
Thirteen ladies, twelve photos. The following folks are in: Michelle, CariDee, A.J., Megan, Anchal, Megg, Monique, Amanda, Jaeda, SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeew (that was a hello from Miss Itty -- there is actually no contestant named SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeew), Eugena, and Brooke. Will Melrose and Christian please step forward? Melrose gets all dramatically teary right away. Christian is boring, and Melrose just kind of sucks in general. But we'll have to wait for another time to savor Melrose's ouster, because she gets at least one more week. Christian is out. As soon as Tyra gives Melrose her photo, Melrose drops to her knees in the most ridiculous display of drama that you have ever seen. Christian, meanwhile, cries with some semblance of dignity. Tyra gives the weeping and shocked Christian a hug. Poor Christian. She thinks that she could have gone far, and didn't see it coming. I guess being the first eliminated is how God smites you for idolizing Tyra Banks.