Mama And Children Reunion

Just one week ago, Tyra tells us, Nicole was named America's Top Model. Flashback in which Nicole whoops, smiles, tells us that she was never the kind of girl who got lot of attention. Well, judging from the reunion special to come, things haven't changed much. At the finale party in L.A., Nicole celebrated like only a top model can. Coke, booze, and regurgitation? Boy, do I wish I was there. Tyra says that Nicole is a "pure model," which is what the show wanted this year. A nation mumbles, "A little late for a half-hearted attempt at legitimacy, isn't it, Banks?" Nicole's competitors were there, too, to "help her celebrate." Now, everyone has gotten together to dish about the competition, what really went down in the house, and their future. Their futures, apparently, involve a lot of Tyra asking questions and then talking over them. But at least Jayla will have to answer for "You're a stupid, stupid bitch," so who am I to complain? Cheering leads us in from a commercial to...a talk-show set. A blue talk-show set. A blue talk-show set that looks oddly familiar even if I haven't seen it before. And then Tyra comes dancing out and waving. Yes, people, this is how it's going to go down. We are on Tyra's talk-show set, and are essentially watching an episode of The Tyra Banks Show. Man, do I feel dirty and used. Tyra tells the screaming fans in the audience who may or may not be members of her staff (caught you again, Djb!) that their dedication to mind-rotting fare involving scantily clad women and catfights has led to the most successful Top Model finale ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever! That was a direct quote. People whoop and cheer, because that's what you do when you're in a talk-show audience. And because the fans love these girls so much, they've gathered them together on Tyra's talk-show set for a reunion. Tyra tells us that it's going to be so much fun. Not if you're Sarah! She promises us juicy details about what happened this cycle, as well as what's coming up in the fabulous life of Nicole. So this won't just be a series of flashbacks that we've already seen seventeen times, strung together with some pointless talking in between that illuminates nothing except the boundlessness of Tyra's own ego, right? Right? RIGHT? Tyra welcomes all the girls, who come out on a little catwalk. I like the ones who don't seem to be stomping runway-style quite so much. These include Lisa and Kim. Nicole is, of course, the last one to come out and does so with a little bit of fanfare. She walks like...well, ass. Look, I was as impressed as the person with her runway performance in the finale, but secretly she might kind of suck. I think one week is long enough for the backlash to kick in, no? She is also wearing knee-length formal shorts, à la Kim. She looks pretty and very skinny, and her hair is straightened. Also, she has some kicking eyebrows. Tyra asks Nicole, "So Nicole, how does it feel to want to be America's Top Model, but now you ARE America's Top Model?" And while I'm not sure if there's anything officially grammatically wrong with that sentence...it just feels so wrong. I think it's the "but." Nicole says she can't even explain how it feels, because the feeling is so "undescribable [sic]," and that this is her dream and that it's amazing to be able to do what she loves to do. Tyra asks what emotion she felt when her name was announced. She says that she was numb, and that it didn't really kick in until later. Or maybe it still hasn't kicked in, since she appears to be somewhat devoid of any of the spirit of life. I guess she's probably just still stunned, or being extra-careful, or is tired from her exciting day of signing autographs at Walgreen's. The life of a top model is one big flurry of fun, after all. Tyra then announces that she's going to tell Nicole why she was chosen as America's Top Model, because it's important for her and the other girls and the audience at home to understand. I don't know. I mean, I have no understanding of how cheese is made, but I find it tasty nonetheless. Sometimes, the insider information is not only unnecessary, but undesirable, is all I'm saying. Tyra says that, this season, the judges have been looking for a high-fashion model. The past winners have had great personalities or other good qualities, but they weren't high-fashion, says Tyra, and since the show is called America's Top Model, they wanted to choose someone who had greater than an ice cube's chance on the sun of landing a real modeling job. Nice that they considered this five seasons in. And that, concludes Tyra, is part of the reason Nicole won. Way to totally put down both the past winners and this season's other contestants in one fell swoop, Typrah! ["And Nicole, for not having a great personality, apparently." -- Wing Chun] You're really getting the hang of this televised compassion thing! Tyra then announces that the girls all did a photo shoot for Elle magazine. We get a clip of them doing so, and Nicole is our narrator. Kim says that it's fun for everyone to be together again. "Fun." Kyle looks gorgeous. Nik says that the big group photo shoot is fun, and that everyone's having fun, and isn't it all great and fun? Kim poses sexily with Sarah, and AWKWARD! Nicole does a shoot by herself, then the rest of the losers join her, but only for a minute in case any of their low-fashion stank rubs off and ruins the picture. End of clip. Tyra -- who does, I admit, look gorgeous -- asks Nik how she liked being part of a shoot for Elle Girl. Nik says that it was exciting, but not as exciting as being on the cover. She is maybe trying to be cute, but no one laughs, which makes her just seem a tiny bit passive-aggressive. At least, she says, she maybe got a tear sheet, and she got to be with all of her friends, and isn't that the greatest gift of all? Tyra tells us that the shoot will be in the March issue of Elle Girl, which will be on newsstands in February. Be right back -- must mark my calendar! Tyra tells the girls that they've come a long way, and invites us into a flashback. For God's sake, ask some freaking questions that are actually interesting! I was really looking forward to this reunion show. SIGH. Anyway, we flash back to Kim asking the other girls how to use eyeliner at their first fashion show, Ashley refusing, and Ebony narrating. Then, at the same fashion show, Jayla maybe calls Kim fat, or at least tells her to suck in her tummy. It really was a rough beginning for Kim, wasn't it? And speaking of Kim, Sarah falls on the runway, then falls again, then strikes a scowling pose backstage that involves her bra hanging out of her shirt. Tyra asks Sarah how it felt to watch herself being Miss Tippy Tumbles. Sarah says that she was so nervous, and adds that she had it in her head from the semi-finals on that she was going to fall. Tyra says that if you believe something, it will happen, whether negative or positive. Television Without Pity viewers, repeat after me: "I believe that Tyra Banks will be replaced by Naomi Campbell for the sixth season of America's Top Model." Sarah says that she kept getting asked in interviews if she thought she was going to trip, and then Tyra starts talking over her and doesn't let her finish her sentence. Sarah tries to continue, but doesn't realize that once Tyra tramps right over what you're going to say, you are cut off for good. Until she tries to make you uncomfortable about your sexual confusion! Tyra then asks Kim how it felt to have her so-called best friend refuse to help her out with a makeup situation while someone else said she was a chub-a-dub-dub. Cut to Ashley looking sinister. Kim laughs and says that it was the hardest night of her life. She then adds, what can you do, everyone has difficult moments. I am distracted from cute Kim by the high-booted sequence of Coryn, Lisa, Jayla, and Nik in the front row. Those bitches love their tall boots. Tyra asks Kim if those incidents made her feel like she couldn't trust Ashley and Jayla. Kim says that she didn't so much feel a lack of trust as the presence of irritation. Tyra asks Jayla if she called Kim fat. Jayla says that someone was trying to zip Kim into a dress and Kim was just standing there, so Jayla pointed to Kim's tummy and, most likely, said some choice words along the lines of "Suck that shit in, Fatty Fatty Two By Four." Jayla looks like such a skank. She tries to provide evidence that she didn't call Kim fat, saying that the two of them had just been measured, and that they had the same exact measurements, "except for this area." "This area" would be the chesticles. Kim and the other girls laugh, because they hate Jayla, and with good reason. Jayla says that if she called Kim fat, she'd be calling herself fat as well, because they have the same measurements. Tyra then says, "But measurements are different," because she wants to start shit. Kim says that she's done with the subject, and they move on. Tyra says that Ashley was the first eliminated, and then asks with crack interviewing skills that obviously come really naturally as she gives a sideways look off-camera, "Ummm, but...what's up with your future?" Ashley smiles and says that she's engaged. Tyra announces that Ashley's fiancé Richard is in the house. Tyra asks Richard to stand up, and, quite inexplicably, Bill Gates rises out of his seat with a microphone. Seriously, Richard is probably a millionaire but only as the direct result of the vast amounts of time he spent in his high school AV Club. ["Ha! I said he was probably rich, and my sister theorized alternatively that he might just be very...uh, well-endowed." -- Wing Chun] Tyra asks Richard how it felt to have the woman he loves be eliminated first. Richard says that he thinks she should have won because -- no offense to the other girls -- she's the prettiest one to him. Awww, he's sweet. And then, the world's greatest segue: "Sarah, you might have felt bad about your runway walk, but later on in the limo there was someone to cheer you up a little, wasn't there?" Oh, here we go. Sarah looks uncomfortable. We get a clip of Kim saying that she's a big ol' lesbian, and Sarah helpfully offering to make out with Kim. And then, of course, Sarah does make out with Kim in the limo. A little window at the bottom of the screen shows Sarah watching the footage uncomfortably, and then Kim watching the footage uncomfortably. Flashback Kim explains that she's in an open relationship, and flashback Sarah says that she's young and curious and confused. A grainy night camera catches Kim and Sarah rolling around under the covers. Sarah tells her boyfriend on the phone that she doesn't swing "that way." Sarah says again that she's confused. When we return to the interview portion of the evening, Tyra asks Sarah if she's still confused. Sarah sort of stammers for a while, and starts to say that she doesn't see why it was such a big deal. Kim -- having recently taken some classes at the Tyra Banks School of Interrupting People Who Might Be About To Say Something Interesting -- interjects, "Let me take this one." In a clever bit of editing, Tyra says, "What's the spectrum, Kim, break it down," right before Kim says, "I think it's a spectrum." Tyra looks kind of pissed, despite the fact that she's clearly psychic. Kim talks a bit about the straight/gay continuum and how people can fall anywhere and blah blah blah. Tyra looks skeptical and says something that I can't make out because Kim continues to talk over her. The student surpasses the teacher! She says it's not fair to label people or box them in ["and then it looked to me like Lisa totally guffawed at Kim's choice of words in 'box them in,' or maybe I was guffawing at that and projected my childishness onto Lisa" -- Wing Chun], or to make Sarah feel that she has to make a choice when other people make out with girls all the time. Tyra then tries to start more shit by saying that Kim called her dalliance with Sarah a "stupid makeout," but Tyra knows that Sarah felt more for Kim. Kim says that she thinks she was talking about the limo, which might actually be a lie. Tyra says, "Oh, so the limo was a stupid makeout...but after?" Tyra is the worst. Even, like, FORT had enough sense to ask Sarah something about Boonville. Kim says that they were just having fun and that they've been over this so many times. Tyra then asks what Kim's girlfriend thought of the whole mess. Kim said that it wasn't her girlfriend's favorite show to watch, but that they have a good amount of trust in their relationship, and that they got through it. Cut to a reaction shot of Sarah looking weird and rueful. And seriously, if I can impart one tiny bit of wisdom upon the world, it is this: if you're going on a reality show, don't hook up with anyone. It's gross and embarrassing. Tyra tells the audience to give it up for "Kim and her woman" for still being together. "Her woman"? Man, they really should have gotten a different host for this show. I can't take it anymore. Tyra says that whether it was a stupid makeout or something more, it was definitely something we haven't seen before on Top Model. Yeah, but only because they edited it out. Why don't they try asking Nik about her love life, now? Commercials. When we return, Tyra says that the most talked-about moment of the season had to do with Cassandra, whose behavior ran the gamut from cool and distant psychopath to wacko emotional psychopath. We take a look at Cassandra kind of admitting to be a sociopath and then finding out that she's going to get a Rosemary's Baby-style Mia Farrow haircut and freaking out. The hair is cut, and we see the clip from Cassandra's audition video where she says she's easy to work with and will do what anyone tells her to do. Then we see awful-looking blonde Cassandra being told by Tyra that her hair still isn't short enough. I'm sorry, but Cassandra was totally right. She looks a thousand times better with the long dark hair. At the photo shoot Cassandra refuses to cut her hair further, and Jay kicks her the hell out and she goes back to a life of pageant queendom. Tyra tells Cassandra that she's the first person to ever walk out of Top Model, and that it was over an inch. Cassandra says that even though it looked like it was all about the hair, it wasn't. She says that there were a lot of things the ANTM folks were asking her to change, and Cassandra didn't view them as positive changes. She says something kind of incoherent about all of the pressure that you face on the show, which I guess factored into her decision to leave as well. Tyra asks Cassandra -- well, "asks" isn't really the right word. Tyra prefaces her opinion that pageants force a person to change with a question-like "Don't you think?" that doesn't fool anybody. Tyra asks if those changes were more natural for Cassandra. Cassandra says that pageants don't ask you to change your attitude and your style and the way you act. Tyra interjects with a big "I disagree with you on that. There's a 'pageant way.' There is a pageant way." Cassandra says that she's never worked with anybody in the pageant world who asked her to be less classy and more edgy and rude. Tyra then kind of goes off, saying, "By no means do I want to work with somebody who's rude. By no means do I want America's Top Model to be rude. I just want her to take away the veneer." Does this mean they're finally going to give Nicole smaller teeth? Tyra goes on a little more, because she doesn't realize that people would care more about what she said if she didn't talk so much. Nonetheless, Cassandra is defeated. Tyra then asks whether Bre's advice to Cassandra to go with her gut was out of sympathy, or out of a desire for Cassandra to leave. Bre says that she looked at Cassandra leaving in a different way, in that the modeling world sometimes asks you to change things about yourself, and that it's good to have some sense of limitations and to say no. Bre says that she respects Cassandra for putting an end to her unhappiness. Tyra tells us that Cassandra had a solution to her "hair problem" (finger quotes courtesy of Tyra) once she got home, and we go into a boring clip of Cassandra going to the salon to get hair extensions. The extensions don't look so great in the clip, but then Tyra asks her to let down her hair, and I have to say it looks quite nice now. Cassandra is pretty. We go into commercials with a promising clip of "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" which is writing checks Bankable Productions can't cash. When we return, Tyra says that one girl who polarized fans was Lisa (who is now very blonde), and that the person with the biggest reaction to Lisa was Coryn. ["My sister's boyfriend: 'What is that?' Me: 'There was a lot of speculation this season that Coryn was a man who was passing.' Boyfriend: 'I've seen men in drag a lot prettier than that.'" -- Wing Chun] Montage of Lisa/Coryn hate, with Lisa telling Coryn to stop working out, Janice telling Lisa to stop dissing the other girls, and Lisa crying. And then, of course, "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" Present-day Lisa looks really uncomfortable about the clip, but Coryn just laughs. Coryn says that she thinks it's good entertainment, and Tyra says that it's not entertainment -- it was real, and it was their emotions. Lisa says, "...Yeah." Then Tyra says that a lot of people write into "all these websites" about how Lisa is a know-it-all and tells other girls what to do. Yeah, they might write a lot more than that, actually. Tyra asks whether the advice that Lisa was giving was really about her wanting to help, or if she was a saboteur. Lisa says that she's had a lot of experience, and that it was all coming from a good place because she wanted the girls to look good and do well and become successful. Tyra says, "Even though they're your competition?" and Lisa says yes. Tyra asks Coryn and Lisa how they feel about one another now, and they say they're all good. FYI, Coryn still looks like a dude. Tyra then says that when they had their one-on-ones in the house, she asked all the girls about their vices, and Lisa said that her vice was wine. Lisa says that she was just saying that she likes wine, and that she's not trying to hide that. She kind of checks in with the other girls and says that she drank three or four nights a week, and then adds that she had anxiety and wouldn't sleep for days at a time, and that wine calms her down. Oooh, this is getting uncomfortable. Oprah would have been so good in this moment. But alas, there is no Oprah to be had. Lisa says that wine was necessary, because she couldn't take sleeping pills, and that wine calmed her down. Tyra asks if Lisa has backed off of the drinking a little bit. Lisa says that she doesn't have to drink and can in fact go weeks without drinking. She is a better person than I. She says that the girls all just went crazy because, while the misconception might be that they're in a normal house, they actually have no TV or other form of entertainment and are also all bitches. Tyra says that though there was drama in the house, there were also a lot of good times. We get a good times clip montage that features Coryn's farting machine, topless photos, pole-dancing and further toplessness (good times = boobies!), Kim playing the harmonica, and Lisa being Lisa. This entails a replay of "Take a break. Eat a cookie," which I love. They show her wearing the WildBoyz's diaper, but no mention of the public urination that followed, which I find curious. Lisa laughs at her own antics, and I am pleased that she finds herself funny. Tyra asks the girls what they thought of Lisa's antics, and Bre says that Lisa lost her mind, and that living with her was tiring. She is one to talk. But we'll get to that in a minute. Tyra then awkwardly says that she wanted to tell Diane that she had such a big personality in casting, but that it disappeared when she moved into the house. Diane says that the personality is still there, but that she was stressed and away from her family and out of her comfort zone. She says that she took the competition seriously, and acted accordingly. When you're the plus-sized girl, you just can't win. And on that note, Tyra asks Diane if she thinks a plus-sized girl can ever wine the competition. Diane says that, coming into the competition and not knowing how the show works, she thought yes, but after experiencing it, she thinks no. Tyra says that Cover Girl loved Diane, and that it's important to know that it is possible, but you have to come in with the goods and be so tight and so fierce that the judges have no excuse to eliminate you. Oh, that's bullshit. We all know that they'll just make up a reason if they don't have a legitimate one. She says that the judges found her weakness, so they could get rid of Diane, but that Tyra did and does see something in her. Unless this story ended with, "And Cover Girl is giving you a contract!" (and it didn't), I see no reason to take a trip to "Tyra Loves The Fatties" PR-Land. Jesus. Commercials. When we return, Tyra says that she's learned over the years that stress makes girls behave badly. Cue the "You stole my secret" montage that we've all come to know and love. Jayla steals Nik's secret, Nik bumbles the commercial, Nik says that karma's a bitch, Jayla wonders why Nik is giving her the cold shoulder, Lisa tells Jayla why, Jayla confessionalizes that Nik is a stupid, stupid bitch and a lot of other things. Including, it can't be quoted oft enough, "I really, really hope you see this. I don't like you. You're a stupid, stupid bitch." When we come out of the montage, Jayla is kind of smiling and looking more like a gingivitis-laden Clay Aiken than ever. Tyra asks Nik for her reaction. Nik handles the whole thing with a good deal of tact, saying that while Jayla warned her in London that she might have engaged in some nasty talking, Nik really didn't know that Jayla hated her with such ferocity. There is a quick shot of Kyle looking gorgeous, which is, like, the highlight of the whole show. Nik says that Jayla apologized, which I guess counts for...NOTHING! Tyra says to Jayla that it seemed to Tyra that Jayla was a little guilty and was trying to deflect the guilt. Jayla says that while Nik bore the brunt of her anger, she actually had a problem with a lot of other people in the house who talked about the whole thing behind her back and also generally hated her, just like the rest of us. Bre pipes up, "I loved you." The crazies always gravitate toward one another. Tyra asks Jayla if she felt bad about stealing Nik's secret, and Jayla says that she did feel bad, but that she didn't do it on purpose. And this, of course, launches Grandma Tyra into some boring-ass story about how she stole another model's pose when she was in a Tina Turner music video back in the day. I heard that Tina Turner did the same thing in Tyra's "Shake Ya Body (Body)" video. But Tyra understands where Jayla was coming from even though she doesn't think Jayla handled it in the best possible way. Tyra asks the girls how being on the show compared with their expectations. Coryn says that it looked much easier on TV. Our old friend Ebony says that she first saw the show when she was in tenth grade and was like, "OMG, I have to do it" and finally tried out when she was eighteen. I want a little talking Ebony doll to carry around with me and amuse me whenever I get sad. She's such a dork, and I love it. Tyra asks Kim what her favorite memory is. Kim says it was just hanging out with the other girls in the house. Lisa interjects, "All the laughs," and says that they've all shared more laughs together than arguments. The girls agree. Tyra asks if any of the girls would like to share their toughest moments, and then calls on Kyle. Kyle says that, for her, the criticism was the hardest, because a lot of times the judges would say something one minute, and something totally different the , and so it was very hard to mold herself based on that advice. She just said the same thing that we always say! Tyra asks if any lasting friendships were formed, and it turns out that Ebony and Lisa actually met at the Top Model auditions and continue to amuse each other greatly. I would maybe watch a show featuring the two of them for at least one week. Commercials. When we return, Tyra says that she'd like to talk about how the pressure built during the course of the show. She notes that, as the final six headed off to London, Bre seemed like the girl who was most stressed out by her competitors. Cut to the Crazy Bre Montage. Bre confronts Kim about shit-talking in the limo, notes that her granola bars are open, she empties out Nicole's Red Bulls, tackles Kim, is an ass about the granola bars, Jay compares the situation toShowgirls because he is still an idiot, even if a marginally more likable one, Nicole calls Bre the spawn of the devil, Tyra calls out Bre at panel, Bre freaks out while waiting for the panel's decision and tells Kim that she is an ugly person, and God don't like ugly. God also don't like that short gamey green Brazil sweatshirt that Bre has been wearing in every clip we've seen thus far, because He also hates B.O. Back at the reunion show, Kim playfully throws a pillow at Bre and Bre throws it back, but only after sticking a knife through it. Tyra asks Bre why she went crazy. Bre says that, when they got down to only six people, she became more irritated by the others. Tyra asks if the pressure was more intense as the prize got closer, and Bre says that it was very stressful, and that she lost the essence of herself because her mind was blown. Tyra says that there has been some speculation about who stole the granola bar. Tyra says that the judges looked in Nicole's eyes and didn't think that she stole it. Nicole kind of smiles but does not confirm or deny. The judges did, however, think that maybe Jayla stole it. Ha! Jayla says that she was asleep the whole time. Nik says that she was sleeping right to Bre. Kim says that she wishes she had stolen the bar, but that she hates granola. Tyra says that somebody on the stage is lying. That person is Tyra Banks. I mean, honestly. It does seem like the most logical explanation is that the crew somehow tampered with it, which she doesn't even present as an option. , we take a look at the final fashion show, in which Nicole and Nik worked it something fierce. Tyra says that watching it takes her back, and that she was a proud mama, and that they both did a great job. Tyra says that she remembers watching Nik's final interview, in which she said that she wanted everybody to know her name, and always glad she came. She wanted to be where she could see our troubles are all the same. And, Tyra says, now everybody knows her name. She asks Nik what else she wants, and says that she knows little girls come up to her and say, "Nik you shoulda won!" Nik says that she wants to be signed to an agency, and that it would be amazing if she could be signed to the agency that Tyra's with. Tyra says that she doesn't have an agency now, because she's retired for real and didn't you get the memo that IT'S ALL ABOUT TYRA. Tyra says that she used to be with Elite and IMG and L.A. Models. Nik says, "Anyone, hey, call me!" She does seem a little desperate, and Kim pulls back ahead in my fantasy girlfriend league. And now, it's time to celebrate the winner once again. Tyra says that Nicole will have her Cover Girl shoot very soon, and will be modeling eyewear. Nicole says that she's excited to be a Cover Girl, and that her meeting with Ford was very positive, and everything's just great and exciting and anaesthetized. Tyra then tells us that part of Nicole's win was a shoot with Elle magazine, but what we don't know is that, every year, Gilles Bensimon does a big couture shoot for Elle. She explains to the audience that "couture" is expensive clothes, and does so with an expression that says, "Ain't that a crazy bitch?" She says that Gilles Bensimon fell in love with Nicole so much that he's flying her to Paris to shoot the six-page couture spread for Elle. She reiterates that Gilles loves Nicole, and Lisa mouths, "That's pretty cool." Tyra then gives us a preview of Nicole's Elle Girl< cover with Tyra. Nicole says that it's way cute, and that she can't believe that she's on the cover of a magazine, especially one where the font is all on top of her and not on Tyra at all. Tyra says that she looks old and like Nicole's mama. She then says that Nicole auditioned at the Mall of America. That is indeed a fascinating fact. Is this over yet? Indeed, it is! Thank God. And now you too can apply for Season 7 at the UPN website. Tyra tells the others to make her proud and work their butt off, and that she'll see us in the spring. Kim and Lisa jump around like jackasses, Nik and Bre embrace, and we're out. Thanks all who have read the recaps for this season! I hope you've enjoyed them as much as I've enjoyed recapping the episodes that don't suck. Happy holidays, all you catty bitches, and I'll see you again in a mere few months!