Tyra Mail! "Find out the pecking order at 7:00 AM." They think perhaps "pecking order" has something to do with how they are ranked, and not with real live dirty birds. Suckas!
The girls travel to a park, where they meet fashion stylist Jason Leung, who also teaches at the London College of Fashion. Which reminds me that I'm teaching two seminars at Recapper's College this spring, so be sure to pick up a catalogue at your local Whole Foods. Today, the girls are going to learn about posing by taking a tour of London and viewing sculptures. Jason tells them to remember that, when posing for sculptors, models had to concentrate for long periods of time. Unless they were the aforementioned Lionel Richie, in which case their sculptor makes a bust that looks nothing like them by sense of touch alone while they stalk her kind of creepily but she doesn't know because she's blind, for God's sake. Don't assume I know nothing about art, Professor Dressmaker. As top models, says Professor Dressmaker, it's important for the models to be able to concentrate on the photographer, particularly while they're flying through the air or jumping on a trampoline or roller skating or hanging out in the bottom of a grave or swimming in a fish tank or just thinking about how ugly they look naturally.
The tour commences on yet another double-decker bus. They see a sculpture of Eros, the Greek God of Love, who is kind of standing on one leg and shooting an arrow. Jason tells the girls to imagine having to pose for that, and how long they'd have to stand on their tiptoes. Jayla says she's never thought before to look at a statue and wonder why it looks the way it does. It's because of the pose, she says, and if you fall out of your pose even a tiny little bit, you can completely ruin something. Jayla can now add this to her repertoire of "ways you can completely ruin something," right after "being myself." Jason takes the girls for a walk in Regent Park, where they run into a big swishy prissy statue in the guise of Miss J. Er, vice versa. Jason says that Miss J. is totally focused and doesn't even move when he hears talking. Try to have that middle Hanson boy walk by him and then see what happens. If Miss J. is anything, he's a sucker for "Mmm Bop" nostalgia. Miss J. tells the girls that, for their challenge, they'll be judged on statuesque poses, focus, and concentration. Jason tells the girls that whoever keeps her focus amidst the manifold distractions around her will emerge victorious and win a huge shopping spree. Miss J. says that since they're posing like statues, they'll also have to look like statues. This means sprayed-on silver body paint and, perhaps, a roll in peanut butter and bird seed.
“ Jayla says that Whistler's Mother is boring and depressing, but that her challenge is to make it modern and sexy. The whole thing is very Whistler's MILF. ”
Nik poses as the Vitruvian Man. Barry says that she used her arms in the most gymnastically coordinated way, and was completely in touch with every extension of her body. See, that's focus.
Jayla says that Whistler's Mother is boring and depressing, but that her challenge is to make it modern and sexy. The whole thing is very Whistler's MILF. Barry directs Jayla and says that she brought modernity to Whistler's Mother beautifully. Oooh, I hate when she does well.
Backstage, Kim asks Nicole, who still hasn't shot her photo, if she's going to ask Bre to pay for the Red Bulls. Nicole shrugs and asks if Kim thinks she should. Kim says that she doesn't know what to do in this situation and then STAY THE HELL OUT OF IT, JESUS. Bre's an asshole, but she kind of has a point about that. Nicole says that Kim has already involved herself in the situation, and did exactly what Nicole asked her not to do -- confront Bre at the shoot. Nicole secretly has really good sense, and Kim secretly really likes shit-stirring.
Meanwhile, Jay happens to be sitting right in the corner and asks, "Who confronted what?" Kim wastes no time in telling him about GranolaGate. Nicole says somewhat warily that now Jay knows everything. Jay then quoth, "This is like the whole age old story of, like...you know like the movie Showgirls or whatever?" There is no reference more fitting if this week's theme is great art. He tells Nicole that when competition heats up, people start to go kookoo, and there's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you. Jay says that when girls get together, there are going to be fights, but that you need to learn how to put that stuff aside. Nicole tells Jay that she thinks Bre might have done this because it was right before their photo shoot, but that she wants to prove that it's not going to affect her at all. Jay says that it's time to get Nicole to set, and that he's proud that she isn't letting this affect her. A lackey slathers Olay Quench on Nicole's supple, bare leg as Nicole says alluringly, "What's that smell?" My cat Miss Itty wakes up and yells, "MY FARTS!" at the TV, paws at her fluffy toy mouse a little, and falls right back to sleep.
Nicole explains that she's trying to be The Girl with the Pearl Earring, and that she's never read the book, but that she knows the picture. Well, good then. Bre watches Nicole with total hawkeye while she poses, and Nicole says that she totally shut out the situation with Bre because she messed up the pigeon challenge and needs to have a good photo shoot. Nik and Bre kind of play around in a distracting manner on the sidelines, and then Nik says shhh, because they're supposed to be watching Nicole. Jay says that Nicole did a much better job than she's done in past weeks, and she didn't let the whole "kerfluffle" with Bre affect her photo shoot. Just when you think he's the butch Jay, he busts out a "kerfluffle." Barry tells Nicole she was excellent.
Bre gets slathered with Olay Quench, and it instantly hisses, sizzles, and splatters, because that's what happens when your veins are filled with devil juice. Barry tells her that she needs to have the poise of confidence. She smirks like Mona Lisa. Bre interviews that when you have work, a whole bunch of other things can be going on in your life, and that you've got to let it go.
It's the end of the day, and Nicole says that she decided to confront Bre because they're both done with their photo shoots. She goes to do it, and who is right in the middle of things but Kim. How convenient. Nicole tells Bre that she'd like to talk about things, and Bre says that she doesn't want to talk right now. Nicole says that if Bre did take her Red Bulls, she'd appreciate it if Bre would replace or pay for them. Bre says that she's not replacing anything. She really does seem kind of crazy. Nicole adds that if Bre thinks Nicole took any of her stuff, the fact is that Nicole didn't touch anything. Bre says she doesn't believe her. Nicole interviews that she has no idea who took the granola bars Bre speaks of. Nicole gets a little bit heated and says that she's not comfortable with Bre stealing her things. Bre then says, "Stealing is taking it...you don't know who took it, and you'll never see it again," as we see footage of Bre pouring the Red Bull down the sink. Bre then says, "I didn't steal it, you know where it is." She's really such a bitch. Nicole interviews, "Like, there's two empty cans in the bathroom, are you kidding me?" Bre, in a voice totally devoid of emotion, asks Nicole what she wants her to do. Nicole says that she wants Bre to replace or pay for the Red Bulls. Dead Voice Bre says she won't, and asks what they do now. Nicole says that she doesn't get why Bre wouldn't do that, and she emotionally tells Bre that she's kind of a mean person. She kind of is. Nicole says that what Bre's doing is wrong and whack, because Nicole never touched any of her things. Bre says again that she's not replacing it, and Nicole says that at least now she knows what kind of a person Bre is. I am so sick of these dumb-asses. Bre takes a drink of water. Nicole interviews that Bre's the spawn of the devil and calls her a freak. Bre says in the shakily evil voice of the guilty, "I don't like Nicole. I don't believe her story. If I have to hear one more word about that Red Bull, she'll be wearing it tonight." Miss Itty writes, "Pore Nicole...OR SHOULD I SAY NIC-SHOVE-IT- IN-YOUR-PIE-HOLE. U R pretty like the nice pretty cat butt. Mmm, cat butt. =) Also, note to BrE -- OR SHOULD I SAY......BRE... -- I 8 your gran-WHORE-la bar. It made me throw upp and I pawed it around and then it looked like yuor nasty face. JMO YMMV. Kimmee, call me, U can date my mom! ROFLMAO!!!" Commercials.
“ Kim confessionalizes that she's staying away from Bre because she doesn't trust her. Well, now's a fine time. ”
When we return, there is Tyra Mail. Someone will be eliminated, and not a minute too soon. Bre interviews that she knows she's probably going to go home for what she did to Nicole. But, she says, she doesn't really like Nicole, so she doesn't feel bad for doing it. Nicole and Kim discuss how terrible it would be for one another if one of them went home. Nicole interviews that she thinks the person who should be going home is Bre, of the vicious, mean personality. Kim pours some wine and says that the girls might as well toast to the night. "What a day it's been," Kim says. She confessionalizes that she's staying away from Bre because she doesn't trust her. Well, now's a fine time. Bre eats on her bed and looks kind of mean slash guilty.
And finally, we are at judging. There are prizes, there are judges. Barry Lategan is the guest judge. He says, "Good evening, welcome to your future." How foreboding. Their future holds a whole lotta bitchery, I guess. Bre is first, and Tyra instantly asks, "What's wrong?" Bre starts with an "I think that you...okay," and then stops. Mmm-hmmmm. Tyra tells Bre that the challenge for the week is to hold a stoic pose for one minute. She starts to do this, and the judges act like fools. The challenge is the same for the four other girls. Nicole has no idea what "stoic" means, so Tyra bounces backward across the table and tells Barry she knows he wants her booty. Okay, Bre isn't the only one who's lost her mind.
The girls reconvene for their evaluation. Nicole did a pretty good job of keeping herself together with lots of craziness going on, says Nigel, even though her pose was odd. Miss J. calls Nicole out on her behavior amongst the pigeons, and she says that she has a little bit of a fear of birds, which is why she's taken pains to educate herself about them so well. Tyra notes that Eva had a terrible fear of spiders which she conquered for a gorgeous photo in Season 3. Twiggy says that she would have been out if she'd had to pose with a spider. Miss J. says that he has a fear of drag queens, and Tyra yells, "Fear of self!" Nicole's Girl with a Pearl Earring photo is met at first with some silence, until Twiggy says that that the painting is all about the look in the girl's eyes, and that Nicole's photo captures that perfectly, even with that ugly-ass '80s background behind her. Barry says, "Thanks, Twigs, that's what I was trying to get out of her." Speaking of twigs, does anybody remember a children's book with a lady who was all made of twigs? She was a total bitch and always was sweeping with a little twig broom, and one time a bird took her to be part of his nest. So, she was kind of like Bre, but...you know, made of twigs. Anyway, if you know the title of that book, email me! It totally haunts me. Tyra says that looking through Nicole's film showed that it was very difficult for her to get this pose, and that Nicole needs to relax more. Nicole chirps, "Okay!," because the judges love that, and goes back in line.