This week is all about looking good no matter what, so our six remaining heroines are bound to fail. First, Jenny Shimizu makes a visit to explain that there is room for diversity in fashion, unless you are fat or over twenty-three, and also that it really isn't that hard to get Angelina Jolie to have sex with you. Yet another Entertainment Tonight correspondent appears to tell the girls that they must always look their best because you never know when a camera is lurking, and the paparazzi -- who are known for their penchant of swarming about former ANTM contestants as evidenced by all those pictures of Naima in Us Weekly -- can't wait to get a bad photo of you. Kim has been talking all kinds of trash about people for a long time, and Bre and Nik have finally had enough. They take her to task while all the girls are riding in the limo, and Jayla starts pointing and crying that Kim has been talking shit behind her back, because neither she nor any of the other girls have ever, ever done such a thing or called someone else a stupid, stupid bitch, for example. Lisa is filled with glee because, for once, someone else is the asshole. Kim cries and later writes a note of apology, but Bre and Nik still think she's shady, and they are kind of right. Thankfully, according to the preview for week, this story doesn't end here. The girls go to London, where Miss J. wears an ironic Naomi Campbell t-shirt, and they must all cram half-naked into a little phone booth for their shoot. And then Lisa and Jayla are in the final two, and I think, "Woo! Finally Jayla goes home." But then Lisa goes home, which, given her excellent photo and comparative normalcy this week, seems totally unfair. Until I remember that she wet herself in a diaper last week, which was so not easy, breezy, or beautiful. And so, cheers to Lisa! Take a break, eat a cookie, and so long, friend.
Previously on ANTM: Kim was slightly less dumb than the rest of the girls and impressed Benny Medina enough to land a role on Veronica Mars and maybe seduce Kristen Bell. Lisa was eager to grab the spotlight, so she donned some fake teeth and famously quoted, "Take a break. Eat a cookie." And, the preview does not show us, peed in a diaper. Jayla and Nicole were in the bottom two and made to think that they were both going home but, much to my chagrin, neither went home, and all the girls were told to pack their bags because they're going to London. Much whooping -- but sadly, not much whooping cough -- ensued. Six girls still remain!
It is night. A teary Jayla packs her bags for London and says that being in the bottom two is harder than it looks. As she stood before the panel, she told herself not to cry and then, as we are shown in flashback, started crying. I have my oven on right now (cooking a delicious pot pie! Shut up, it's the greatest comfort food ever) and it's letting off this weird cabbagey smell. Why? Jayla's continued presence in the competition and the bad smell emitting from my oven: just two of life's little mysteries. A teary Nicole confessionalizes that going from thinking you're eliminated to hearing that you're going to London is a lot for one person to handle, especially one person whose brain is so tiny. Flashback to the girls dancing around upon hearing that they would be traveling abroad. Lisa says dang, she's flying to London, and is feeling good about the whole thing because she earned it. She's going to bring everything she can to the table, and then piss all over it. Flashback to Tyra jumping up and down while waving the British flag. Scary.
And then...we're still not in London. The girls get Tyra Mail that reads, "Get ready to meet someone whose modeling career has been based on individuality and self-awareness. Listen for a knock on the door at 1:00 PM." And then, there is a knock on the door. Lisa answers it and screams, "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrraghhhhh!" like the monster she is. In walks Jenny Shimizu, who does not appear to be afraid of Lisa Monster even though she is comparatively tiny. Lisa interviews that she totally recognized Jenny, who is so cool and chill. We see Jenny on some covers and in a few editorial shots. I think she looks best in the one where she has long hair and is wearing something skimpy, because I have been force-fed society's ideals of beauty and actually hate diversity. She meets the rest of the clan and tells them that she's there to give them some information and perhaps answer a few questions. She seems cool but kind of boring. Jayla interviews that she remembers seeing Jenny's Calvin Klein ad. I remember that too, only because my college a capella group used that ad as a promotional poster but pasted our own heads on all the model's bodies in a transgender fashion.
Jenny tells the girls that modeling wasn't something she chose to do. Rather, she met Calvin and Kelly Klein while on her motorcycle. Of course. Calvin and Kelly found something in her that they wanted, and Jenny got the cover of Vogue and did runway work as well. But, she says, her big story is that she shagged both Angelina Jolie and Ione Skye. Also that she's a minority, she's 5'7", she has a lot of tattoos, and she's a gay model. Quelle surprise! Cut to Nicole. Oh, as if. The camera pans straight to Kim, of course, who is actually wearing a denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Jenny is wearing a full-denim outfit, and I guess I, recapping whilst in corduroy, must have missed the lesbian dress code memo. Also, Jenny is kind of...staid. Kim says that it's a really important thing for her to see, "not conforming to just a generalized kind of...woman." I am in the market for a band name, and think that "Generalized Kind Of...Woman" might be in the running. Jenny says that she's always been a tomboy, and that in modeling, differences are beautiful, unless they are differences that result from actually eating food. Jenny says that Tyra was herself the whole time, and that's why she's made it so big. Snore. Kim asks Jenny how, as a tomboy, she reconciles wearing feminine clothing on the runway and how she makes it look beautiful. Jenny says that she thinks of it as a piece of art. Oh, double snore. Jenny says that there's always room for someone who will add flair to fashion. Lisa says, "Cool, man." Jenny leaves. Kim says that Jenny's former struggle is a lot like what she's going through now. She's starting to believe in herself and have hope that she can get farther, which probably means that some dream-crushing is imminent. She struts off.
Cut to Kim and Nicole in the hot tub. Lisa passes by, and Kim yells, "Lisa, you look like you're thirty. Go to bed." Oooh, hold it right there, skank-boy. You do not have permission to throw around "thirty" as an insult just because your extra-chubby flabby-cheeked face makes premature aging unlikely. This remark really solidifies that Kim deserves everything she's about to get. After Lisa passes by (wine glass in hand), Kim says, "She's, like, the most jealous person in the world." Bre interviews that Kim talks shit about everybody as soon as they leave the room. Bre thinks that they should leave the "BS" in the Stiletto Salon and not pack it in their bags, y'all, and take it to London. If only metal detectors could pick out bad attitudes.
Tyra Mail! "Prepare to meet the ghost of your past." Lisa is excited, or maybe drunk.
The girls enter some sort of auditorium. Bre says she thinks they're going to see their parents or boyfriends and girlfriends, and it's nice that she was inclusive there. They meet Kevin Frazier, correspondent for Entertainment Tonight, who's kind of a third-tier runway interviewer. He tells the girls that America's Top Model will be a celebrity, and will be followed everywhere she goes. I hope the Walgreens of the world can prepare for such a rush. Kevin says that even for big celebs -- like Tyra -- things can get hard. A photo of Tyra appears, and Kevin says that it's the Tyra we all know and love -- happy, fun, and vital. But then another photo appears, and it is not so pretty. First off, Tyra's wearing a trucker hat backwards, which makes me reflect upon how ill-qualified she is to give anyone advice on personal style. In a flash, Kevin tells us, anyone's ugly picture can be found in a magazine with a scathing caption such as "Tyra making faces at her co-star." Co-star of what? Also, someone give this man a Peabody!
Kevin says that, in going to London, the girls are representing Tyra and ANTM, and that they need to be ready at all times. He asks the girls if they've noticed a photographer who has been shooting them on the sly. They, apparently, have not. Kevin takes us on a tour through the gallery of bad photos. First we see a few of Bre. Kevin asks her if she always looks so angry. She interviews that she's not an angry person, and that she was just caught at a bad moment. And we'll see if perhaps those bad moments are increasing in frequency. we get one of Nik, and one of Nicole eating, which is apparently a big no-no. Kevin says that you should only eat while the cameraman's not looking. I will be sure to keep that in mind. ANTM is all about giving practical advice to the layman. We see a photo of Jayla wearing big sunglasses, which is also what smart celebs do so that no one can see where they're looking. As a picture of Kim comes up, Kevin asks whom she was talking about in the photo. He asks if she was imitating someone, and she says, "Absolutely not," but everyone laughs because they know that's a lie. Kevin says that she was imitating Tyra, and Kim says it's an affectionate imitation, if anything. Kim interviews that she should be more careful of that from now on. Foreshadowing clips its toenails on Kim's lap.
, we see Lisa eating with her feet up on the table. Kevin says that the pictures you see in magazines will make or break you. Or, the footage on television of you peeing in a diaper. Lisa interviews that she appreciates the advice because she's pretty uninhibited and would probably get into a lot of trouble. Oh, honey, it's time for you to move to the past tense. Kevin says that perception is reality, and that the girls can't travel the world and not be ready for the pesky paparazzi who are always watching them. I hear that Season 1's Tessa can hardly step out of her house due to the throng of candid-hungry photographers who are waiting for their lucky break selling pictures of her to In Touch Weekly for hundreds of cents. This is, like, the fakest episode of Top Model ever. The girls exit.
Back at home, Kim and Nicole sit in the confessional. Kim says that she and Nicole are the only sane ones. She adds that Nik is sane, but a little boring. She says that Lisa is an alcoholic, and Nicole chimes in that Lisa is not only an alcoholic, but also insane. For her grand finale, Kim calls Jayla an ugly, annoying, bad joke-deliverer. Scathing! Nicole adds, "But a wee bit sane." Kim says that Jayla is almost too sane, but not. "Who else can we talk about?" asks Kim.
Kim runs down the stairs and asks Nicole if she wants to be harmonica-ed to sleep. That is not a euphemism. Kim interviews that you need a support system in the house, and to have at least one person you feel close to. After losing Kyle, Coryn, and Sarah, Kim's forced to scrape the bottom of the barrel and be friends with Nicole. She plays a song for Nicole about her almost-elimination. It is something of a sad dirge. Then, she whispers, she is going to play a song about Jayla's potential elimination. It is a joyful jig. The whole thing is pretty funny, actually, and I guess if the soundtrack to life were played on a harmonica, there would be no need for Prozac. Bre says that Kim speaks negatively about everybody, and that Bre feels like she's walking on eggshells because Kim probably speaks ill about her when she leaves the room too. It is true that hearing someone talk shit about others all the time gets really tiring.
On the smokers' lanai, Bre asks Jayla if she talks about Bre behind her back. Jayla says that she has never talked about Bre. Bre says that's good, because she has never talked about Jayla behind her back. And I thiiiiink that both of them are telling the truth. But, says Bre, she can't say the same thing about some of their fellow housemates. Jayla says that she's heard people talking about her, and that it's been led by Kim. Other people join in because they think it's funny. And probably, since it's about Jayla, it is. Bre says, "That bitch ain't right." She waves a finger around and reiterates, "She ain't right." Some head-bobbling ensues. "I have a problem with her." Bre then gives a silent finger wave, which I believe is sign language for "It's on." It's really great to see how they don't talk about people behind their backs at all, isn't it? Commercials.
When we return, Nik and Bre, both in towels, sit in the phone room. Nik rings her friend Visa, presumably because her friends Passport and Mastercard were unavailable. Nik says to Visa that she has a story to tell her, and Bre tells her to be quiet, because Kim is near the phone room. Visa asks if Nik is opening up, and Nik says, "Naaaah." Just then, Kim enters and says, "Let me talk to her." That's kind of weird. We see a hand and a helpful caption and arrow points to "Kim grabbing phone." Visa says, "Shequeshah?" which I find to be rather strange. Kim says that it's not, in fact, Shequeshah, but rather "the gayest person in the house." Visa says incredulously, "Are you SERIOUS?" What the hell is going on? Is Nik gay? Oooh, remember this? Hmmm. Kim says that Nik is the most careful person in the world, and that it's almost a joke how quiet she is. Nik interviews that Kim said a lot of hurtful things about her and doesn't respect her because she's "not as open" as Kim is, and "not real" or "trying to hide a situation," which Nik says she's not. It totally sounds like Nik is a big closeted lez, doesn't it? Weird! And way to go, subversive editors! And way to go me! I have totally cracked the code! Mwah ha ha ha. Nik says that was the last straw. She hangs up the phone, and Kim goes laughing in to see Nicole.
It is a new day. The girls pack, and Lisa flings around a stretchy string. I know that sounds weird, but I'm just reporting what's happening. Lisa says, "When are we going to London? Honestly. Like, when are we really going?" Lisa says that she's an antsy-pantsy kind of girl and likes to be on the move. Let's go, she says, and I agree. Just get to freaking London already.
Tyra Mail! "You're on your way, but snap! One more fierce photo before you go." The girls drag their bags out and all lament that they have one more photo shoot. Nicole interviews that she will not be sad to leave the house, because everyone in it is nuts. Well, half of those girls are taking crazy as their carry-on luggage, so don't get too excited yet, my little Minnie Driver lookalike. Sepia-tinted footage of the girls going crazy ensues. We've seen a lot of it already, but never has it looked so 1850s! Sad music plays as they leave the House of Top Model.
The girls get into their huge ass limo and guzzle more gas, thereby depleting even more precious oxygen, as if their breathing wasn't insult enough to humanity. They meet an Australain-accented guy named Mark at a place called Prints of the City, who says that he hears they need to get some passport photos taken. Okay, first of all - duh. They are going to London today and so obviously already have their passports. And second...well, duh. They stand on a mark and get their photos taken. Mark prints them out and calls the girls together to confess that he isn't really a passport photographer. Yeah, and Tyra isn't a talk-show host. WE KNOW. This is the stupidest segment. The girls, to their credit, don't look totally surprised because even they aren't that dumb. Mark's full name is Mark Anderson, and he's a fashion photographer who has shot over two hundred covers of models better than Tyra. Mark says that the passport shoot was actually a test. Lisa interviews that she had a feeling this was no ordinary passport photograph. Do they actually think that no one who watches this show has ever gotten a passport? Honest to God.
Mark says that you have to know what your best look is even when you're getting a passport photo. We see all the shots. I think that Lisa's and Kim's are the best, and that Nik looks the worst, mostly on account of her big-ass glasses and the repressed lesbianism. But Mark declares Bre the winner for no good reason. He says she was very prepared, with her hair back for a nice clean look. Seriously, the fix is in. Her photo is not that good. Mark says that Bre will get her prize when she gets to London, and she chooses Nik to share it with her. He then gives them another surprise in the guise of product placement. It's a video/camcorder/tv phone, and each girl has a message from a loved one. We see Bre's mom, and Jayla's boyfriend. Jayla's boyfriend has a lot of facial hair and is everything that Jayla deserves. She interviews that she was relieved because she hasn't been able to get a hold of her boyfriend for two weeks, and everyone had to reassure her that he really does love her. How nice of them to lie. Seriously, two weeks? Also, my cat, Miss Itty, just totally farted, because she can't stand Jayla, either. If she had opposable thumbs, I totally bet she'd write nasty stuff in the forums all day, and that I'd eventually have to ban her for posts like, "JaYlA OR SHOULD I SAY WHORE-LA is 2 smelling like ass 4 meeee bad like my fartz~~ LOL! ROFLMAO!!!!" Miss Itty has no couth and bad grammar.
Lisa can't wait to go to London and is sick of being psyched out. Me too!
And then, limo. Bre and Nik sit in the corner and whisper about Kim. Kim interviews that she realized Bre and Nik were whispering about her. Kim clears her throat. Bre interviews that, while they were talking, Kim came over and said that she heard them talking about her. Oh, get on with the catfighting already! We see Kim and her love handle climbing over the seat. I have love handles too, but then again I'm THIRTY. Bre says that as soon as Kim said that, it was on. Bre tells Kim that she has talked about everyone in the house, and that it's not venting, it's Kim being obnoxious. Kim is all fidgety in the hands, as the guilty always are. Bre says, "Why should I feel like the special one? If you talk about one person when they leave the room, then another person when they leave the room, why should I feel --" Kim cuts her off and says that when she develops a good friendship with someone, she doesn't talk about them. I totally do not believe that. Nik says that she's heard Kim talk about every single person in the limo, and Kim says that's not true. Bre says that she doesn't believe what Kim is saying because Kim lies. She adds that Kim's character is very ugly. She makes no mention of Kim's face, which is charitable. Bre and Nik both reiterate that Kim's character is ugly. Bre says that if there's something she doesn't like and she needs to vent, she goes right to the person and situation. Oh, instead of whispering about it in the limo. Got it. Lisa gleefully interviews that if she deserved to be in the hot seat in the beginning, Kim deserves to be in the hot seat now. The whole time the fight is going on, Lisa is eating popcorn and looking on. Awesome.
Kim says that maybe she got nervous and messed up. Uh-huh. Nik says that Kim purposely tries to humiliate people, which Kim denies. Bre then gives an example and mimics Kim saying, "If Jayla doesn't know she's about to get dumped, well, God help her." Oooh, this is about to get good. ["But...seriously. Incommunicado for two weeks? It's fishy." -- Wing Chun] Cut to Kim looking tearful, and an extra-evil Jayla pointing her finger at Kim and saying, "I liked you from the very beginning. And when I found out that you were talking all this shit about me all this time, how do you think that makes me feel?" Probably like a stupid, stupid bitch. Seriously, they're so self-righteous, but they all be catty bitches. Kim tells Jayla that she's sorry, and tearfully adds that she's stupid and says things for comic effect. She says that obviously it's something that she needs to work on. Bre says that she doesn't want Kim just to say that to appease the other girls. Kim says, "Look at me! Am I just saying it?" Lisa continues to eat her popcorn. Nicole then proves an unlikely voice of reason, saying, "Have we talked about this long enough?" Bre tells Nicole to stay out of it, and Kim jumps in, saying, "Why? 'Cause she's the only one who, like, maybe, like, feels good about me? Like, I can't even have one friend?" Awww, big butchy Kim is like a little kitten inside. Nicole says that she's a little bit guilty of trash-talking too, and that everyone has talked about everyone. It's totally true. They forget that we've seen the footage, and that they will some day as well. ["Well, that's the whole point. Everybody talks about everybody behind their backs. It's how the world works. And if Mean Girls taught us anything, it's that keeping shit behind people's backs is what keeps society running smoothly, and that when things are brought out into the open, chaos ensues." -- Wing Chun] Nicole interviews that it was wrong for Kim to be pinpointed and jumped on. Back in the limo, Kim cries and says that she's never said anything about Bre. She goes to the crowd for confirmation on this. And really, she's kind of missing the point here.
Meanwhile, Kim runs a letter of apology by Nicole that she has written to Nik. She tells Nicole that it bothers her when someone has the wrong impression of her. Actually, I think it bothers Kim when someone has the right impression of her.
Cut to Bre and Nik walking up a grand staircase with their dates. Bre says that their dates were gentlemen who open doors and pull out chairs, which is definitely different from what she and Nik are used to. Ho hum, ho hum. They all clink their glasses in cheers and begin to dine. Bre interviews that being around Nik has made her more conservative. Interesting. One of the English dudes says that it sounds like there's been a bit of psychological warfare in the house. Nik says that there have been good and bad times, but that the good has "overweighed" the bad.
Back at the hotel, Nicole says that Kim is being the bigger person by apologizing. The English guys drop off Bre and Kim, and Bre interviews that it has been a wonderful day and that she has never been so appreciative.
On the ride home, Bre tells Nik that she knows Nicole and Kim will have something to say because they're coming home, and notes that she's annoyed. Nik says that she's noticed that everyone has been very nice today. She looks at Bre and says, "You don't think so?" Bre doesn't think so. See, now Bre is just shit-stirring.
At home there is Tyra Mail. "Who will be America's Top Model? It's your call. Be ready at 7:30." The girls all just want to sleep. Nik notices a letter on her bed from Kim and says that she guesses it's supposed to be an apology letter. She throws it over to Bre. Kim interviews that she bore the brunt of a lot of the girls' frustration, and knows that Bre and Nik didn't mean what they said, and that their friendship is as good as ever. Kim knows very little. Nik interviews, "Sadly for me, I'm still not convinced."
The girls wake up and head to the shoot. Nik interviews that all the girls assumed from the Tyra Mail that the word "call" would have something to do with the photo shoot. Wow, how did they ever figure that out? Top government scientists have been working on this puzzle for weeks! The girls head to the shoot in two taxis and make faces at each other. Well, all except Nik and Bre, who look out of the window. They arrive at an alley where they meet Mr. Jay, who's wearing a trench coat and reading a mock tabloid. The only other thing in the alley is a red telephone booth. Bre interviews that "It's your call" finally made sense. Oh, so very dumb.
Jay greets the girls and congratulates them on making it across the big pond to London, which is notorious for rampant and persistent paparazzi. He tells the girls that they have to look good in every shot, because they never know what's going to end up in a paper or tabloid. He says that Tyra really wanted to put that to the test in this shoot, and so they're all going to be in it together. This makes no sense at all, so don't even try to puzzle it out in your head. The girls look unhappy as Jay tells them that all six of them will be posing in the small telephone booth at the same time. Ooooh, that is too close for comfort. Lisa says, "I'm all about me," but that she's willing to share the spotlight. The shot has some weird bullshit premise, whereby the girls are running out from a show and have only their galoshes and a tabloid to cover their nekkid selves. They run from a paparazzo and into a phone booth, where there are five other girls and they get their photo snapped. Jay introduces the girls to English photographer Nick Maroudias. They go into hair and makeup.
Nik interviews that the pressure is very intense, and that the photo shoots can send you home or keep you there. Kim notes that they'll all be smushed into a tiny little space, and that some of the girls are really competitive, so things could get ugly. The girls pick their galoshes and are informed that the tabloid will be their wardrobe. Six half-naked girls smashed into a phone booth together sounds really hot, but in this case it's not. The girls complain, and Jay tells them that Tyra really wants the shoot. That shuts them up but good.
Nick tells the girls that they're all in every shot, even when they're not featured, so all need to look good at all times. Bre goes first. She interviews that some of the pretty girls do not use deodorant. She among them, if I recall correctly. Cut to Lisa telling the others that she farted. Oh, of course. Bre did not think that the fart was cute. She dramatically says that she could have just died in that little box. I wish they had locked them in there for five hours with no water, food, or supplemental oxygen. Just to see what would have happened.
The girls rotate. Lisa says that her strategy is to have fun and go for it, which I think is always her strategy. Jay says that sometimes Lisa is too crazy, cockeyed, and weird, but that she's learning to tone the craziness down and just become a good model.
The girls switch again. Nik looks very sultry, but says that it was hard to feel pretty in the booth.
Jay says that Kim looks like an edgy top model, and that she has the thing that means you won't forget her.
The girls switch again, and Nicole is in front. She says that she thinks it was the hardest shoot yet, because the girls had to fight for the camera. Nick tells Nicole that she's done, and she tells him to wait, because she wants one more. Jay asks when the model dictates when the shoot's over. Nicole thinks she's being cute, but she's totally not. Jayla says that people started to get really nasty because they all wanted to get the hell out of the phone booth.
And speaking of nasty, Jayla is . Jay says that she needs to have more range in her poses. He compliments Lisa on what she's doing in the corner of the booth. See, when she's not making a gross display of her bodily functions, she's really good. The shoot's over, and Jay tells everyone that they did a good job.
Jayla says that since she was in the final two before heading to London, she needs a good photo to save her ass. Either that, or a seething display of injustice. I wonder which it will be. The girls get Tyra Mail at home, which tells them that, soon, someone will be eliminated. Bre confessionalizes that when she's tired and frustrated, she looks all around the house at the other girls, and what she sees is her competition: "If you think she's gonna get it before I do, you're crazy." She tucks herself in bed to Nik --er, diabolically -- as we head to commercials.
We fade into Panel with a photo of Tyra and the two Jays ostensibly warding off paparazzi. I shudder to think what weird homemade porn these three have stored under their beds. It is time for the seventh cut. Prizes, judges. Twiggy and Nigel make a little deal out of being glad to be back home. The guest judge is Nick the photographer. Tyra tells the girls that she came up with this week's theme of always looking fierce because it's so important for a top model -- and also, whatever they are -- to always be on. Tyra tells us that she's been a ham ever since she was five years old, and we see some corresponding little-kid photos. Oh, how I wish Janice were there to roll her eyes and mutter, "Oh, Jesus." Tyra tells the girls that how they handled the fake-ass paparazzi test outside of their hotel will be their judging test for the week. The girls do not look happy.
Kim is first before the panel, and we see her worst paparazzi shot. She looks like a creepy little old man in blue sunglasses. Nigel jokes that she was going for the nose pick. Twiggy reminisces about the good old days when she was modeling and tabloids didn't exist. Tyra then gives this introduction to Kim's photo-booth photo, which gives us some scary insight into how her brain works: "The premise is that you were backstage at a fashion show and the paparazzi came into the room while you guys were changing, so you had to run away from the paparazzi, and the safest place was a phone booth, filled with a lot of other girls who were running away from the same fashion show." Simplicity and elegance: the hallmarks of Top Model. Also, Tyra could have told the truth, which is, "The premise is that we wanted to torture you. Again!" Kim's best shot earns raves from the judges. She really does look good, despite the fact that we now know her character is ugly. Tyra says that, at first, she was disappointed in Kim's film, but that by the end it was gorgeous.
We see Bre's worst paparazzi photo, which Nigel says isn't that bad. Bre kind of clutches her pearls. Tyra tries to make a point, but it doesn't make any sense. Bre's photo inexplicably gets a tongue bath. Seriously, it's not that good and she hasn't improved much since the beginning of the show. I like her because she is an evil genius, but she is no model. Tyra lies that she was blown away by Bre's film.
is Lisa, who is dressed like a dime whore. Lisa's paparazzi photo is HORRIBLE. Miss J. says that she looks "dodgy" because, newsflash, they are in London. On her phone-booth photo, Twiggy says that it's the best photo she's seen of Lisa. Lisa says that she can work it out. Really, it's a good photo. Nigel says that Lisa needs to concentrate on bringing the look she has in photos to real life. Lisa agrees.
Nicole is , and Miss J. says that her paparazzi photo looks a bit too "Heeeey! Oh my Gooood!" She really does look kind of stupid and, not coincidentally, super-Osmondy. Everyone loves Nicole's photo, which is typically gorgeous. Tyra says that she's frustrated, because as gorgeous as Nicole is, she's still not pushing through. She tells her that she needs to give more.
Jayla's paparazzi photo is actually good, and Tyra notes that she's the only one who didn't have a bad paparazzi shot. Jayla is pleased. Her phone-booth photo, however, is not so pleasant. Nigel says her problem is that the other girls are so dominant in the photo. Tyra says that they had to pick a photo of Jayla looking away because her full forward shots weren't giving enough facial expression.
Finally, we have Nik, whose paparazzi photo looks terrible. Nigel says it was the first bad photo he's seen of Nik. Miss J. tells her that if she's lucky enough to become America's Top Model, she needs to be prepared. The judges all agree that her posed photo is gorgeous. Tyra says that Nik is a model in semi-profile, and is almost there straight-on. Nigel says that Nik has to believe in herself.
It is time for the judges to deliberate, and Tyra yells, "It's gonna be hard!" Unless, by chance, someone recently peed in a diaper and Cover Girl saw it.
We return to the judges' deliberation. Twiggy says that she doesn't see Lisa as a model, and that sometimes she's too "in your face." Nigel says that Lisa has grown on all of them, but wonders whether she'll grow on people during a casting. Nick says that, at the shoot, Lisa moved well, took direction well, and was great fun. is Bre, who has gone up in Twiggy's esteem in the past few weeks. I guess Tyra must have sent out a memo. Tyra tells the panel that Bre won the "fierce passport photo" shoot challenge of the week, and then goes into a long boring story about how she was booked for a job early in her career based on her passport photo. When she's done, Nigel laughs and thinks, "What a self-deluded wanker." Nigel thinks that Jayla is coasting, and is one of the few girls who hasn't had a moment to shine. Nick says that she didn't take direction that well. Miss J. says that Kim's photo is beautiful, but that she's annoying. Twiggy says, "Yeah, she's annoying, but she's got a look and I love that look." Twiggy says that Nicole is a beautiful girl, and Nigel says that she's a sourpuss in person. Twiggy adds that she doesn't think Nicole is aware of how she comes off. Nick says that Nicole wasn't the easiest to work with on set, which Nigel says is a problem. Twiggy thinks Nik is a stunning woman, but was disappointed in her paparazzi photo. She adds that Nik needs to get her look together. Tyra says that she loves the photo, but that Nik looks the same in her photos week after week. The judges gleefully say in unison that they've reached a decision.
Tyra only has five photos in her hands. She calls some names. They are Kim, Bre, Nicole, and Nik. Lisa and Jayla step forward. And then, it all kind of goes like this. Lisa is the spunky girl, with so much energy and fire, who takes gorgeous photographs. But some of the judges are put off by her fire. Some, in fact, want to put it out with their own urine. Jayla, in contrast, has a nice personality according to some deluded judges, and takes nice photos, but the judges aren't convinced that she can take it all the way. So who goes home -- the girl who is the spitfire, or the girl who is mediocre? The answer seems obvious, right? Wrong. Jayla gets a photo, and Lisa is sent back to America with her tail tucked in her diaper. She goes and hugs the other girls. Miss J. drops a flower off his stupid corsage. Lisa ironically retains some dignity on her way out. She says that if she didn't win or make it to the top three like she expected to, it's okay. She gave it everything she had and stayed true to herself the whole way through: "No regrets." She says that the whole experience was pretty damn cool, and that it was exciting to get to live a dream. Awwww. I am sad to see her go, and in tribute will get shitfaced after I am finished with this recap. Cheers, you crazy bastard!
on ANTM: the girls pose like statues, and pigeons attack Nicole. Ha ha! And Kim and Bre continue to bitch at each other. Huzzah!